My name’s Fernando. I’m a straw. Not any ordinary straw, but I’m the most interesting straw in the world. I am currently residing in Sugarcube Corner, being the only straw lucky enough to live a pony life. Throughout my stay in the bakery, I have acquired literacy, simple magic and other useful skills. My first mixtape was only released a week ago and it is already selling like cupcakes. Despite my successful life as a straw, I was not always born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Just like every other straws in Equestria, I started off humble, and would have remained this way if it wasn’t for this one mare who turned my life completely downside-up.
Life as a straw is never something to be proud of. Straws never have childhoods. Straws would never live long enough to have one anyways. Neither do we have friends, relatives, or significant others. We are manufactured en masse in an enormous machine and before we even have the chance to break the ice, we would be separated into bundles and tightly sealed in plastic wraps, confined to the claustrophobic condition until the plastic wraps are torn open. Ponies would then use us for drinking and our lives would end shortly after.
Our lifespan is terribly short, with the exception of a few lucky straws who manage to stay inside storage areas for years. These straws are not exactly lucky considering that there is literally nothing to do while we’re alive. It is also notable that such cases are extremely rare. Majority of the straws are used within a week or so. After serving our purpose in life, we wouldn’t become better off either. Some of us would eventually end up buried deep underground for years while many others would meet the fate of the incinerator. Both are equally terrifying.
I was one of the straws that were going to be used for Countess Coloratura’s concert. I never got the appeal of concerts. Then again I’m a straw, and straws don’t get the appeal of anything. We lead horribly boring lives. We are horribly stupid as well. Among us I’m the only straw with an IQ higher than an average pony’s. The rest could barely count to 10 and some are not even aware of their inevitable fate.
On that day I was packed in a cart together with many other straws, on our way to the concert area. Inside the cart, I half-heartedly wished myself a 12 dayversary out loud. What’s the point of a dayversary? There wouldn’t be anymore dayversary after that day. Those idiots were pestering me for hours, asking me to sing the dayversary song with them. Eventually I got so fed-up that I reluctantly obliged to their absurd requests.
So there I was, grudgingly anticipating my demise while those babbling idiots were too dense to even know what was about to happen. Just as things couldn’t get worse, the cart suddenly hit a pebble, spewing all of its content, including us, to the ground.
I laid there, feeling groggy and kind of nauseous. I looked up. There was nothing much to see. A road. A bird. Lots and lots of trees. Just plain, boring Equestrian scenery.
One of the straws, identified as the idiot among the idiots, blubbered exuberantly, “OMG OMG OMG. That was so fun! Weeeeeeee~”
Oh shut up. Just shut up, please.
At that moment I saw a pony rushing towards us, hastily picking us up and putting us back into the plastic wrap. “Gee, looks like these straws can’t be used anymore. Guess I’ll just throw them into the nearest bin.”
Great. We were about to jump out of the plastic wrap into the nearest bin.
When it was my turn, she picked me up, but hesitated for a moment. She stared at me, so I stared back at her. Oh what a sight to behold! Right in front of me was the most beautiful mare I’ve ever seen! I didn’t get the chance to meet a lot of ponies, and everyone I met were visually unappealing, especially the factory workers. Since then I had expected everypony to be just as hideous looking.
Words alone could not describe the beauty in front of my nonexistent eyes. Everything about her is perfect. Everything from head to hooves. I tried to find flaws behind her smooth pink fur, sparkling blue eyes, adorable cheeks and luscious mane. My attempt proved to be futile. The more I stared at this beautiful mare, the more unworthy I felt. I’m just a straw, I told myself. I don’t deserve to be with such a gorgeous pony.
Is it nuts for a straw to fall in love with a pony? If it is, then that mare was nuts as well. She looked at me with bedroom eyes and started stroking my long, hollow body. “Mmmmm… you are such a sexy straw…”
The diameter of my opening expanded upon hearing these seductive words. In case you do not know, an enlarged opening is equivalent to a hard on. And why wouldn’t I have one? It was the most arousing sentence ever spoken to me in my life. “I’m keeping you… hmmm, what should I name you?” She scratched her head, apparently in deep thoughts. My nonexistent heart beated with a mixture of anxiety and anticipation. What is she going to name me?
“Ah ha! I’ll name you Fernando! You looks Spanish to me!” She giggled adorably and let out an adorable squee.
My nonexistent heart exploded twice.
“I’ll keep you in my mane, lil fella. Just don’t do anything naughty inside,” whispered the beautiful mare. I was plucked into her thick mane, enjoying every minute in it. I sniffed her mane. It smells weird. A good kind of weird, actually. It was a mixture of lavender and vanilla, a pleasant combination that made the whole place feel like paradise. I took a deep whiff and soon drifted off into a blissful slumber.
Not long after I started to dream. Everything I dreamt of was about her. I dreamt of Netflix and chill with her, I dreamt of cuddling sessions with her, I dreamt of romantically making out with her… Nah, ain’t gonna happen.
“ Uh, I don't think so. But lucky for you, I have the biggest straw collection in Equestria!” I was suddenly jolted from my dreamland fantasy. I felt a hoof on my body. It’s grabbing me! I surveyed the surroundings in apprehension and was relieved that it was only her. She held me in her hoof, and defying logic, held me upright without anything supporting me.
“I call this straw… Fernando.” She said in an exaggerated tone. I blushed, feeling honoured that she could actually remember my name. That’s when I realise something terrible. I don’t even know her name! What is she called? Well, whatever her name is, it would be nothing short of her beauty. Meanwhile, I’ll just go back to sleep.
“Howdy Pinkie Pie!” Once again I was jolted awake immediately, trying to identify the source of the voice. Turned out to be another mare, this time orange in colour. The pink mare, with a smile, replied with a casual “How’s it going.”
Looks like she is named Pinkie Pie. Well, that is quite a delicious name if I say so myself. A delicious name deserving of a delicious pony.
Speaking of delicious, if given the chance to, I would definitely eat Pinkie Pie, figuratively of course. If I have teeth, eating her would be guaranteed to give me a massive toothache. She’s just too sweet for me to handle.
All this love is making me babble like an idiot.
Anyways, we had a wonderful performance by the former Countess Coloratura, now known as Rara. Her voice was magnificent and though I hate to admit it, I actually enjoyed the show. Perhaps concerts are not that bad after all.
Soon, it was nighttime and a day of fun finally came to an end. Pinkie Pie trotted home, full of lethargy. That poor mare was dog-tired and could barely keep herself stable! I felt sorry for her and badly wanted to help her. Maybe I could fix her a dinner. Maybe I could help massage her aching hooves.
Then again, I’m a straw, so I resorted to doing nothing. With nothing to do of course I feel asleep.
I dreamt again. Straws often dream a lot because most of the time that’s the only thing we’re capable of doing. I dreamt of Pinkie Pie tugging me to bed, giving me a goodnight kiss and whispering in my ears, “we’re family now.”
I thought that I was the luckiest straw in the world. Instead of ending up cremated in incinerators just like all the other straws before me and many others yet to come, I ended up being the one out of hundreds of straws to be selected as the special companion of a beautiful mare. There are many beautiful mares in Equestria, but this mare is different. This mare is Pinkie Pie.
Luckiest straw in the world? Oh, I don’t think so, I know so!
