The Only Chapter (Probably)
"Oi! Phil! Why does mum even want us to clear out this old part of the cellar?" Grant asked, lifting up a framed portrait of Queen Victoria. He blew on it, sending a cloud of dust in his brother's direction.
Phil Mitchell coughed loudly. "Watch it, bruv!" He took a few steps back and breathed deeply. "She's ordered a job lot of lager off some dodgy bloke and now she needs somewhere to put it all."
Grant lifted another faded portrait. "I never even knew this store room existed."
Phil returned to the pile of junk they were going through and picked up an antique mirror. "We should take some of this stuff to a second-hand shop. See if we can get some cash for it." He started rubbing the dust and grime off the mirror's surface with his sleeve.
Phil almost dropped the mirror in shock when the reflective surface began to glow and his arm went through it. He furrowed his eyebrows in surprise, wrinkling his bald head. "Bruv, come and have a look at this!"
Grant put down an old vase and approached his older brother. "What's going on, Phil?"
"Just look!" Phil put his arm through the mirror.
Grant opened his mouth in surprise.
Phil took his arm out again. "So I'm not just imagining it?"
Grant shook his head, jaw still hanging.
"Good, cos I've been sober for months."
Grant finally regained his ability speak. "We gotta show mum."
* * *
Peggy watched her sons demonstrating the mirror's magical abilities with an unimpressed expression on her face. "What you two playing with Aunt Sal's mirror for? You're supposed to be clearing out the old cellar."
"But mum!"
"Don't you 'but mum' me, boys. You know you're not too old for me to put you over my knee. Don't think I won't."
"But don't you wonder what's through there?" Grant asked.
"I wonder when you're going to finish tidying that cellar," said their diminuitive mother, striding up to her well-built son.
Grant cowered in fear, took one look at the mirror and decided whatever lay on the other side was less scary than his elderly mother. He jumped through without hesitation.
"Wait for me, bruv!" called Phil, leaping in after him.
Peggy shook her head in disappointment before rolling up her sleeves and stepping through the mirror herself.
* * *
The three Mitchells gazed at their new surroundings in awe. It seemed palatial, but at the same time it was like no palace they'd ever seen on the telly. The colours were so bright and pure.
"Halt!" said a talking horse. "Who goes there?!"
Peggy was so taken aback by the horse's disrespectful tone of voice that she didn't even consider how unusual it was that a horse was talking at all. "I'm Peggy Mitchell, and these are my boys, Phil and Grant."
"And what do you think you're doing in Princess Celestia's palace?" asked the horse, who the visitors only just started to notice was dressed in ceremonial armour.
"We've just come from the Queen Vic, and—" Peggy started before being interrupted.
The horse bowed deeply. "I'm so sorry, ambassador. I didn't realize we were expecting a royal delegation today. My humblest apologies."
Phil stepped forward. "No, we're not ambassadors. What mum meant was—"
He was cut off by Peggy putting her hand over his mouth. "What my son means is we're not just ambassadors — we're Queen Victoria's closest advisors. Show us to this Princess… what did you call her?… Celestial."
"Celestia, ma'am," the horse corrected, standing up straight again. "Follow me, ambassadors."
The armoured horse led the three humans to a grand doorway and pushed it open. A couple of other similarly dressed horses played a fanfare on trumpets. "Princess Celestia," announced the first horse, "may I introduce the ambassadors sent by the Queen of Victoria." He bowed and backed out of the door.
A large white horse wearing a tiara rose from a throne. "Welcome to Equestria," she started. "I was just having a talk with my former student, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and her friends, the Elements of Harmony, about the importance of friendship, and I am happy to have you visiting here in the spirit of friendship between our two great nations."
Six slightly littler horses — ponies perhaps — who had been gathered around the horse that seemed to be called Princess Celestia turned to face the Mitchells. A purple coloured one smiled at them and said, "after all, friendship really is the most important thing we have."
Peggy stared at her in suspicion. "Friendship? What about faaamily?! Nothing's more important than faaamily!"
The purple pony took a couple of steps forward. "But friendship has the power to unite ponies of different kinds, from different lands, with different experiences and upbringing."
"Nothing's more important than family!" Peggy stated forcefully.
The purple pony took another step forward, unfolding a pair of wings. "Friendship!"
Peggy looked sternly at the pony. "Family!"
The purple pony's horn began to glow. Suddenly, an orange pony wearing a hat stepped forward to intervene. "Now calm down, sugarcube," she said, wrapping a leg around her purple friend. "Friendship is important, but so is family, which, if you think about it, is really the first group of friends you ever make."
"You stay out of this, Applejack!" the purple pony snapped, pushing her friend aside. "This is between me and the midget lady!"
Phil and Grant stepped forward to defend their mother. "Who are you calling a midget?!"
"That pompous cow!" Twilight shouted in an out-of-character manner.
Phil looked at Grant.
Grant looked at Phil.
Phil nodded at Grant.
Grant nodded at Phil.
At once the two brothers sprung into synchronous action, Phil diving on the purple pony and grabbing her in a headlock while Grant drove his fist into her side.
"Gah!" the pony cried. "Help!"
Peggy smirked. "Where are your precious friends now, pony?"
"Right here," came the silken voice of a glorious alabaster pony with a deep purple mane and tail, who had somehow circled behind Peggy. Her horn glowed pale blue and Peggy found herself being lifted into the air by an unseen force.
"Help! Put me down!" Peggy yelled, her limbs flailing around uselessly.
"If you insist," the white unicorn laughed, and Peggy dropped to the ground, twisting her ankle in the fall.
"Why you little…!" Peggy half-ran, half-limped towards the unicorn, putting her hands around her neck to throttle her.
The orange pony known as Applejack leaped to defence of the unicorn, turning her rear to Peggy and bucking her hard with both back hooves. "Hands off my marefriend!"
Peggy flew across the room, smacking into a nearby wall. She tried to get up, but found herself too dizzy and slumped back against the wall, almost passing out.
Meanwhile, Phil and Grant were still laying into the purple pony, delivering blow after blow. Bruises were already becoming visible on her delicious flank. A blue pegasus and a pink pony with curly hair were both tugging at their leather jackets, but to no avail. Phil and Grant would not stop their relentless attack on the winged unicorn.
Eventually the pink pony bit Grant between the legs and he doubled over, howling in pain. This allowed the purple pony to regain control of her senses. Her horn glowed as the two men who had been attacking her lifted into the air.
Peggy started to regain her senses and looked up to see a pale yellow pony standing over her. "Are you alright?" came the soft voice of the pegasus. Peggy's fist flew up and connected with the yellow pegasus's jaw, and the pony staggered backwards, blood running down her muzzle.
Grant reached out and grabbed at the blue pegasus that was flying by, getting her in a headlock. He shouted down to the purple pony who was somehow causing them to levitate. "Now you let us down, or I'll snap this pony's neck!"
Suddenly a loud voice interrupted them. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"
Everyone in the room turned to see a dark blue horse, smaller than Princess Celestia, but also wearing a crown. Even Peggy, who was approaching Fluttershy, ready to deliver her final death blow, stopped to see where the loud voice had come from.
"EVERYONE, STOP THIS AT ONCE!"
Twilight gently lowered the two men, and Grant released Rainbow Dash from the headlock. She quickly flew a safe distance away.
"SISTER! WHY HAVE YOU DONE NOTHING TO INTERVENE IN THIS FIGHT?"
Celestia put down her bucket of popcorn. "Ummm… friendship lesson?" she muttered with a shrug.
* * *
Ten minutes later, the Mitchells were back through the mirror and safely in their own home.
"Okay, so that was weird," said Grant, straightening his leather jacket.
"Yeah, I don't think I want to go back there in a hurry," Phil agreed.
Peggy slapped them both. "Look at the time! The pub will be open!" She hurried downstairs, her sons following after her. "Oh thank goodness, Tracey, you star!" she said, smiling gratefully at the barmaid who had taken the initiative to open up the pub and start serving the lunchtime crowd.
Peggy went immediately to the beer pumps and looked up at the next customer. "What're you having?"
A red-faced centaur stared across the bar at her. "'Is he friend or is he foe?' the landlady wonders," the centaur said mysteriously. "I can assure you… I am no friend. I am Lord Tirek, and I will take what should have been mine long ago!"
"Boys!" Peggy called.
Phil and Grant stepped up behind Lord Tirek, grabbing him by the shoulders. They marched him out of the Vic's front door and threw him out onto Albert Square.
Peggy stood in the doorway a scowl on her face. "Gerroutta my pub!"
Author's Note
Doof doof… duff duff duff… du du du du…
