To do that which I was asked.

“That THING is a prince!?” I heard Prissy Cunt say, as I snapped out of memory lane (presumably it took a couple seconds) “I demand that his prince-hood be revoked! for un-princely behaviour!”

“… What un-princely behaviour, Blue Blood?” Asked Tia, looking exasperated.

“How on earth is he a prince” Whispered Luna into my ear.

“ House Blood was made into minor Princes and Princesses  when you were sent away, for being the only ones to actually stand against you.” I gently whispered “It appear the line gone from being noble in name and behaviour, to noble merely in name.”

“Oh…” she said sadly.

“He has no respect for the throne Auntie! Look at him, he’s got Nightmare Moon on it with him!” said Prissy, obviously worked up.

“I designed this fucking throne for their father, I believe that I would be one of the only people to truly respects it’s history you cunt. Oh and you have already accepted my duel, so you cant demand anything about me.” I said, aggravated that he would say I do not appreciate history.

“Wel-uh-I-You will regret this day Freak, You will die one way, or another.” he threatened, then left, clenching his wittle fists like a baby with a toy.

“So how  are you that pricks aunt Tia?” I said, rubbing a sobbing Luna’s back.

“Last of the line of Blood, royal orphanage.” Tia said, worrying about her sister, a fact of which I’m quite proud of.

When we finally got Luna to calm down and go to bed, her tower already furnished to her liking, apparently, though I did have to promise to make her night sky ‘glorious’. Which I did through putting all the constellation I remembered from my old world into it, leaving a big gap which had Luna’s cutie mark in it, along with her sister’s.

I went down to the kitchens to get a small nighttime snack when I heard whispering, ominous whispering. Naturally I followed it, I mean, I was in the royal castle, with a princess who had just come back, a princess who was a big player on the political scale and me, the princesses best ( I like to think ) friend.

I found two servants whispering outside Luna’s door, I snuck behind a pillar and quietly listened.

“You sure this is the room of the night bitch?” said servant #1

“Yea, I saw the Princess and the Freak take her here earlier.” Said servant #2

“Alright, I’ll go rid the world of evil, you stand guard.” #1

“Alright.” #2

I stepped out from behind the pillar and kept to the shadows, quietly sneaking up on them, sadly I didn't have my blades on me at the moment. As i reached them Number 2 spotted me.

“Hey who the hell are you!” He whisper-shouted as I stood up.

“Who me? I’m the Freak.” I said, punching him in the side of the head and knocking him out.

The other one drew a folding knife and said, “Now what are ya gonna do bitch? Huh?”… I wish i was kidding but he lunged at me… with a pocket knife… I dodged to the side and grabbed his arm, twisting and bringing my knee up under it, breaking it. He started screaming until i conked him on the back of the head, knocking him out.

The guards came running and Lu woke up. opening the door to see a discarded knife and me picking up two people in dark clothes. She paled, instantly realising what had happened after she looked at number ones arm (Which was bent about halfway to the hand, after the elbow) the guards, however, were less intelligent and as soon as they saw me the levelled their spears at me, shouting

“HALT CREATURE! You are under arrest!”

“For what exactly?”

“You are under arrest for attempted assassination of a prisoner. stand down and come quietly!”

“Now I know Celestia did not call Luna a prisoner.”

just as i said that Tia came running, All the guards bowed in a circle around me… it was awkward until one of them noticed I didn’t bow.

“Bow before the Princess beast!” he said, hitting the back of my knees with his spear shaft.

I may or may not have knocked him out and dropped the assassins after eating his spear as a dragon… oops

I noticed that Lu was still frozen, pale and hyperventilating. So i started walking towards her to calm her down… of course i had forgotten i had been told to halt… they may have poked me with those sticks of theirs… 9 knocked out guard and a shocked Celestia i was able to walked to Luna, beginning to rub her back and tell her calming things.

“And just why are there twelve knocked out ponies on the floor Omny?” she asked, sounding bored already.

“well, as you saw ten of them attacked first, i merely defended myself, the other two however, were planning on assassinating Luna, oh and I still need to show you both that thing i mentioned, so yeah hows your night been?”

“they, they were trying to WHAT!?!” she screamed as her hair seemed to turn into black fire, reminding me of an old friend that I lost track of, Swart Vuur.

“Ok Tia don’t calm down but do put your hair out. and use your inside voice.” i said calmly as, if you remember, I was their babysitter, I’ve dealt with her when she was angry before… She still has those big sibling instincts i see.

We eventually got Luna to calm down, of course she wouldn’t move from my side for some reason… I’m guessing it’s because she feels safe or something, i don’t know. Eventually the guard captain came and, surprise surprise he immediately thought it was me, the idiot (I was HUGGING THE FUCKING PRINCESS!).

“You are under arrest creature, for assault on royal servants and guards, as well as holding a princess hostage.”

“… You need to give the guards intelligence test Tia.” I said, getting frustrated.

Luckily another guard came along, a vampony, the captain of the night guard (who I accidentally forgot the name of.) and said, and I quote

“Why the buck are you arresting the prince, Shining?” He instantly paled, stuttering

“W-w-well he knocked out ten guards and two servants!”

“What happened to two sides to every story?” The Night Guard Captain (Whos name was Percussor Nocte i remember) said. I remember why I liked her so much, she could, I think, keep up with Dionysus himself in a drinking contest.

The day guard captain merely mumbled something under his breath… He’s probably lucky I didn’t hear that.

“Alright the what’s your story Creature?” he asked, gritting his teeth (A bit racist are we?)

“Well first off my name is Omnus. Secondly both princesses are hear and I'm not in chains… Evidence Done. HUZZAH!” I reasoned, then asked Percussor “When you get done with your shift wanna go to the bar? You know which one right?”

“That one got shut down, How about the one down south at the end of The Thing's street?” She said back (The Thing is the name of one of our friends, think pony Elephant Man, but immortal)

“Ok then, when do you get off?” I ask in return.

“About an hour, see you there at 3?”

“Sure thing Persy, see you then.” (It is currently around one AM… I’ve been standing here a while.

So I finally got Luna to go to bed in my room, because she wouldn’t go back to her’s. and turned around to a smiling Celestia… Oh god not this again.

“So, protecting Luna are we?” she asked (I wonder if she's going Trollestia or Molestia, She goes into them when she’s tired)

“Go to bed Tia.” Is all I say

“Would you like to come with me?” asks Molestia, rubbing my abs.

“No.” I deadpan, leaving a frowning Molestia to go to bed, then seeing Pers out of the corner of my eye.

I make it to the bar at just before 3, meeting a smirking Percussor

“So, getting in with both of them? eh Tiger?” she asks, punching me lightly in the arm as we head inside to get roaringly drunk and regret it in the morning.

———————————————————————————————————————————

‘Ow-ow-ow what the fuck did I do last night?’ is the first thought that entered my mind when I awoke, the next is ‘Oh fuck I’m in my bed with Pers… well I’d better let her sleep so I don’t die as much…’

Of course she’s a vampony and awoke to, i imagine, my heart rate increasing. She yawned (What is with these ponies and adorable yawns?) and blinked a couple times, before freezing as she notices that she was laying on me.

“Well, this is a hell of a way to wake up isn’t it Om?” Oh thank god she’s not mad. “I am a bit hungry though so unless you don’t mind…” She said, stretching her face up to my neck.

“Not at all, I know how hard it is for you get food.” Was my answer

She bit down, it didn’t feel special or anything, just like two needles were put into my skin, it didn’t hurt but it was uncomfortable. I held still though.

“Your lucky I don’t mind, I imagine it’s harder to feed off of a struggling person.” I said, as she was still feeding.

She looked up for a second, pausing and saying, “Thrill of the hunt though.” and then went back to feeding.

She fed for another five minutes then stopped, licking her lips at the taste of my blood.

“Still my favourite taste i see.”

“I take care of myself, keeping prepared just for you.” I tease, bopping her on the nose. “So about how we woke up.” I say, noticing she was still naked, as was I.

“I-It um changes nothing?” She said, with a bit of hope in her voice.

“Alright then, it means nothing.” I said, as she sagged and sighed, from relief I assume.

Then I tried to get up,,. then realised that I had just been fed off of, my blood need time to recuperate.

"Give me five minutes will ya? My legs aren't good enough to walk on just yet." I asked. She merely smirked and started dressing, then left after she was done.  "Bitch!" I laughed to myself

I got back to the palace at ten AM, having woken up at nine, to see not one, but two angry princesses, a boring-haired Purple and a pink alicorn… with a crystal heart cutie mark.

“And just where have you been Omnus Compositae?” asked Celestia (Uh oh full names are out, think fast!)

“I may have gotten drunk and woken up in a random alley.” I said (Nice!)

“And why do you smell like you had a one-night stand?” asked Luna (Fuck.)

“Well I assume we had a drunken gang-bang” I said (YOU FUCKING IDIOT)

They all frowned at that… of course Purple went,

“Oh so you do mate like us, I wonder what if your genitalia are the same?” Then she blushed after she realised what she implied.

The Pink one had left after I mentioned the words gang-bang.

And thats how I got laid, Got drunk, beat the shit out of Blue balls with a rapier, had a migraine for three days, and how I DIDN’T get the princesses to talk with Faust.