Kung Fury in Equestria

by Bad Dragon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Discord, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3745

Kung Fury gets zapped to Equestria, and one thing is for certain: This magical land of ponies is in need of some justice!

In pursuit of time-traveling Adolf Hitler, Kung Fury ends up in Equestria. Can he overcome Discord’s devious ploy, and vast legions of Changelings in his righteous path?

All the while, the shadow from the past lingers in the background, plotting to undo everything that the lone cop holds dear.

[You may also enjoy the Youtube reading (Chapter 1 ( •_•)>⌐■-■ Chapter 2 (⌐■_■) Chapter 3) and mp3 download (Chapter 1 ♬ Chapter 2 ♫ Chapter 3) that are available for this story.]

* This story is a MLP crossover with the movie: Kung Fury
Authors:
Cosmic Cowboy
neorenamon
Dismal The Zoner
Bad Dragon

The story collaboration is still ongoing. If you wish to join this project, click —> here <—

Published 2016-06-23 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-23 17:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1: What Just Happened?

"Adolf Hitler, I Kung Fury with the aid of friends past and future, have beaten your unstoppable German Army and your second rate Führer-Fu. Will you be sensible and surrender to law now?"

"No, Kung Fury! While I admit that I do not yet have the awesome power of Kung Fury, I am bound for a glorious victory in the end! As the world's greatest military mind, I had a contingency plan in case you defeated me with your awesome Kung Fu!"

"I don't care what sleeve you have your Doomsday Device up, I shall still defeat you in any place or any time! With my allies, I shall hunt you down to the ends of the Earth!"

"It is surely nothing so plebian, you American simpleton! If I, Adolf Hitler, cannot rule this world yet, then I, Kung Führer, shall rule another one in another reality! A place where none of you could even hope to follow me. With the help of the modern technology, I can now travel beyond this dimension."

“Hackerman, can he really do that?”

“Possibly, yes. He stole my 16 bit computer system and integrated it with the iron eagle’s time hacking matrix. The calculating power he possesses now is immeasurable.”

“Drat.” Kung Fury said.

“You can’t win, Kung Fury!” Adolf Hitler cackled from his seat atop a giant golden Nazi eagle. “I have mastered the arts of time and space! Nothing can save you now! With a press of a button me and my precious”—he caressed the hard beast between his legs—”will be transported from here and now.” As he opened a hatch on the thick and sturdy shaft of the overgrown bird, a big red button rose up from it. Placing his hand above it threateningly, he surveyed the observers notoriously.

Kung Fury turned to Hackerman. “Will there be no way for us to follow him?”

“He stole my computer, I am powerless to do anything. I can’t even open a single window if there’s nothing there to process my command.”

Adolf was not contented by the lack of attention. “I’m pressing the button now.” He waved his hand above it.

Everyone looked at him with a gaze of contempt.

With a smirk, he slammed at the button as his eagle dived toward the cop as a bird of prey plunges toward—a prey.

The unstoppable police officer known only as Kung Fury did a back handspring out of the way, landing on both feet and one hand in a low stance. He leveled a burning glare at Kung Führer and said nothing.

“It’s working! Mark my words. It really is!” Adolf repeatedly pressed on the button. “It just needs some time to charge me and itself with über-chrono-energy to induce a time-space-shift. That’s all.” He kept flapping at it. “You’ll see!” He proceeded to slam the button with both hands. “Anytime now…”

“Kung Fury!” a familiar new voice shouted from the Miami city sidewalk. “Use this!”

Kung Fury turned toward the Dyno-sapiens voice, just in time to catch the bazooka that his partner, Triceracop, threw to him. He allowed himself a smirk as he locked and loaded it. With a slick move of a hand, he spun the massive weapon on his shoulder.

It wasn’t a moment too soon, as Hitler’s eagle reappeared from behind a fifty-story building, towing a fully-loaded train cart in its talons. Kung Fury knelt to the pavement, readying the weapon to fire. He unpinning the last safety lock and aimed carefully. “Fly on this, Icarus!”

The backblast of the rocket kicked up city debris all over the block in a cloud of dust, old newspapers, and flames as Kung Fury fired the bazooka at the eagle. The missile struck it right in the crotch.

“Perfect aim!” cheered Triceracop from the sidelines, raising his fists high up to the sky.

The bird emitted a metallic squawk of pain as it staggered in the air. Its claws spread out, letting go of the train cart.

Triceracops eyes widened as he watched the heavy load whooshing through the air. “Kung Fury! Look out!”

The eagle and its rider swerved to crash into a building while the train cart continued on its path, straight toward the lone cop. Kung Fury threw away the empty rocket launcher and dove in an attempt to escape to safety.

A blue flash of light blinded beholders of the monumental crash. The fallen object send a shockwave through the city, lifting up dust in its wake.

A thundering roar boomed, shattering windows, as the cart spilled ceramic piggy banks all over the street. Triceracop closed his eyes and turned away to shield himself from the flying debris. A massive dust cloud engulfed him. Particles made their way to his lungs, causing him to cough. Despite his deeply engraved phobia of massive objects crashing into Earth, he still managed to call out to his dear friend, “Kung Fury!”

Triceracop ran into the street, tearing through the shards of piggy banks, looking for his partner. As he came to the warped train cart, lying in a shallow crater of broken asphalt, he feared the worst had happened. There was no sign of Kung Fury.

“Katana!” Triceracop cried out. “Help!”

It was at that moment that the gun-toting Katana arrived astride her tyrannosaurus, late to the fight because of the constant traffic on South Dixie Highway. She jumped off her moving mount.

The dinosaur kept running, without losing momentum. He slammed his head against the train cart, sending it flying.

Katana surveyed the scene, as the dinosaur sniffed at the air. They both sensed something was wrong. Katana hopped down and joined Triceracop.Together they examined the crater.

The hole was completely void of life. A dead cockroach in the middle of it was an irrefutable proof of this narrated statement.

The rubble beside the crater moved. A sewer lid rolled to the side, revealing a hole in the street. Barbariana climbed out from it, dragging her minigun behind her. “I took a shortcut, but I didn’t expect it to be so slippery. What do you people put in your underground tunnels, anyway?

Dubious silence engulfed the team.

“Someone say something!” She ordered.

“He stole my computer,” yelped Hackerman as he crumpled on his knees. ”I can’t even chat anymore…”

“There, there” Barbariana patted him on the head.

He pressed his hands together. With teary eyes, he looked up to her. “It had 8 bits of static RAM!”

“What happened here?” Barbariana looked around. “Where’s Kung Fury?”

Katana fell to her knees in despair.

“Not much left of him,” lamented Tricericop, a single tear drifting from his eye.

A Dozen floors over their heads, Kung Führer swung precariously from a flagpole. “Did I win?” Both him and the ass of an eagle, sticking out of a skyscraper, were crackling with electricity. “This is going even better than I planned for. When I come back, I shall rule you all!” Hitler was enveloped in a large explosion of light. When the light pollution cleared, Hitler was gone.

"Oh no!" said Triceracop, "Hitler has escaped this dimension.”

"I don't sense his Nazi in any of the nine realms," added Thor, who had just dropped in out of thin air. “Hackerman, can you track him?”

“My state of the art system had two memory slots that could be addressed in sequence, but inexorable Führer stole it from me!” He started shaking. “Hitler truly is the worst criminal of all time!”

“I guess that’s a no…” Triceracop turned to Thor “Will you be able to stop him if he comes back? Surely a god can do something, right?”

“No. Hardly anyone worships Thor anymore. My power is veining with each second I spend outside my time. You’re on your own on this one, but do not fret, my friends. When you all die, you shall surely hold a spot of honor among the steroid abusing warriors and chesty maidens of Valhalla!" With a strike of lightning, he vanished.

“If only Kung Fury was still with us,” Barbariana outcried.

They all sighed in defeat.

None of them knew that Kung Fury was still very much alive. This knowledge was hidden even to Kung Fury himself. He was, however, already contemplating this very possibility as he sat at Discord’s round, pink, table.

Author's Note

Cosmic Cowboy
neorenamon
Bad Dragon

Upon reading this chapter, readers are welcome to play the Comment section minigames.

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Chapter 2: You Are Dead!

Discord took a sip from a pink tea cup. “So, my new best friend, do you know what the difference is between ‘the one’ and ‘dead one’?” Discord asked.

Kung Fury clenched his buttocks but said nothing.

“Exactly!” Discord proclaimed. “Nothing! There is no difference because you’re dead!” He leaned back in his chair and laughed at the echo of his last words.

Kung Fury narrowed his eyelids.

“Oh, come on! That was a basic one. Even a pony as dense as Twilight would have gotten it.” He looked at his guest in anticipation with the last shred of hope of finding a smidgen of sense of humor reflecting of off him. The serious expression of Kung Fury’s face was as off-putting to Discord as the previous sentence would be to a reader.

Upon receiving no response from the silent co-speaker, Discord put all his effort in the final attempt to deliver the joke. “The one is a dead one!” he squeaked, holding back a burst of laughter.

The face of Kung Fury stayed fix as if it was frozen in time.

“Our relationship doesn’t seem to be working out too well, but It’s not me, it’s you!” Discord expressed strongly. “There was nothing wrong with my joke. I know because it literally cracked me up. And I do mean literally, see.” He grabbed his shoulders and shifted his torso around. There was indeed a crack on his back. “It leads right to my crack!” He burst in a crazed hysterics.

“Sir,” said Kung Fury.

“Fine…” sighed Discord. “Let’s get down to business then. I need you to do me a favor. In return, I’ll teleport you to your weird Earth. I promise that you’ll be mostly unharmed. Unlike your friend Cockroach who I left for dead to express how serious I am.”

“I don’t have any cockroach friends.”

“Such ruthlessness. I can use that…”

“I’m not a mercenary,” Kung Fury said. “I’m a cop!”

“You do something for me, I do something for you. It’s a really simple concept to grasp.”

“Until I see Hitler in handcuffs, I have no time for second rate criminals!"

Discord pressed his paw between his eyes and leaned on it. “I haven’t even told you what the target is.”

“I’m not a hitman,” said Kung Fury.

“You’re a cop?” Discord sighed.

“Exactly!”

Discord raised his eyebrows. “Sir, cop, you’re the most unreasonable person, I’ve ever come across…”

“By the power that is invested in me, you’re under arrest, for obstruction of justice!”

“Ugh! You’re no fun…” Discord face-pawed. “Tell you what. If you want to get at me, you can find me at the Changeling Hive where I’ll be hanging out with my dear friend Chrysalis. I hope she’s not still busy planning world domination with the Kung Führer fella. Either way, you’ll have to get through her to get to me or your beloved brother. Ta-ta.” Discord vanished just in time to avoid Kung Furie’s round kick.

“Adolf Hitler is not my brother!” Kung shouted in the air. “He just stole my title before I got it!”

“Wait, why am I leaving? This is my house!” Discord’s voice boomed. “You leave!”

Bright light enveloped Kung Fury, zapping him out of the chaos dimension.

Author's Note

Authors of chapter 2:
neorenamon
Bad Dragon

Upon reading this chapter, readers are welcome to play the Comment section minigame.

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Chapter 3: Who are you?

“Hey, get off of me, you!” A voice came from the ground.

“Huh?” Kung Fury looked down at a winged, blue creature under his shoes. He quickly jumped off of the animal and glared at it.

The pony stood on all four and snorted back at the cop. “What in Equestria are you?”

“A curious—talking critter, aren’t you?” Receiving nothing but raised eyebrows as a response, the man continued. “I’m Kung Fury.” A choir boomed from the background. “A cop from another universe. I’m on a mission: Make Adolf Hitler answer for his crimes. As a side quest, I need to arrest Discord for obstruction of justice!”

A purple aura formed around his body emphasizing his epic statement. “Now answer my question, blue, are you Discord in disguise?”

“I’m no Discord. I’m Rainbow Dash!” A chain of text flew between them so fast that her name couldn’t even be narrated. “What in Equestria was that?”

“I’ll take that as a no.” Kung Fury’s aura subsided as he brought down his fists. “What is our current location, citizen?”

Rainbow Dash flew up from the ground and dusted herself off before she answered the question. “We’re just outside of Ponyville.”

“Ponyville?” Kung Fury looked around, but he saw not one hive in sight. So it figures. This critter before me doesn’t own any of the features I remember Discord having. If she’s not lying, then I have some travel ahead of me. “Alright, Rainbow Dash horse, where do I go to find the Hive.”

“The Hive? What are you talking about? And just so you know, I’m a pony!”

“I understand. A midget—flying horse.” Kung Fury’s eyes narrowed. I can’t tell if this pony is tricking me or what. Maybe I’ll just have to ask another pony; one who knows where I need to go. The paperwork after this job will be a bitch to fill out. He turned to walk away from the ignorant civilian.

“Hey!” Dash—dashed in front of him. “I can’t just let you wreak havoc on Equestria.”

“Trust me, you cannot not let me. Best you step aside, citizen. Obstruction of justice is a serious offense.”

“No need to get so defensive, hothead.” She hovered before the cop as he walked toward Ponyville. “If there’s injustice going on, I want to be there when it gets bucked.”

“Endangering civilians is not in my job description. In fact, I’m supposed to cut back on doing it.”

“I’m no civilian!” She did a somersault in the air. “I’m the fastest Wonderbolt there ever was. And what’s even 20% cooler, I’m the Element of Harmony. The one and only—Rainbow Dash. Once, I went against an entire changelings army, and lost… But we won in the end!”

“Changelings!” Kung Fury grabbed Rainbow by the neck. “Where are they?”

“Khk!” Dash said, chokingly.

Kung fury spread his mighty hand and released her from the deadly embrace. “Talk!”

“They attacked Canterlot.” She coughed. “They’re far gone now, though. We beat them in the end.” Her eyes pierced him. “And if you lay your tentacled hoof on me again, I’m gonna beat you, too!”

“They attacked, you say?” He stopped walking and took a big inhale. “Injustice is in the air. Hm… It smells—like old books.”

“Nah!” Rainbow Dash waved a hoof. “That’s just Twilight on her morning reading flight. Best if you ignore the ‘aroma’. She’s sensitive about having her dump smell of dull being questioned. She rubs the books all over her body to start the day. Perfume of smartness, she calls it.”

Kung Fury looked up and saw another pony with wings, wearing a crown.

“Twilight, over here!” Rainbow Dash yelled.

“Rainbow!” A book fell from her hooves, but she caught it with her magic. “Are you sure your new pet will go along with Tank?”

“Intriguing,” Kung Fury said, observing the magical aura around the book. “Who are you, purple sorcerer?”

“I’m Princess Twilight.” Her name was slapped onto the screen. Twilight gasped at the sight of her three-dimensional name floating in front of her. “Is that my name?”

“Do you not recognize it, princess,” Kung Fury took up a pair of black sunglasses from his back pocket.

“Well, I do, but how is that even possible?” She dropped her book on the grass. “It makes no logical sense.”

“Try not to think too hard Princess, everyone gets it. Observe!” He took a wide stance and put on his sunglasses. “My name is Kung Fury.” His name appeared before him and burned away a few moments after. “Let’s not get carried away, though. Lollygagging may not be strictly illegal, but it is not encouraged, either. I still have a mission to complete and that’s to arrest Discord for obstructing the law.”

“Wait, how did Discord obstruct the law exactly? Again…”

Kung Fury looked away into the clear blue skies. A short breeze passed by which made the tails of his head strap sway in the wind. All followed by a moment of silence as both Twilight and Rainbow waited for his story.

“My trip started when a train card fell on my head, and I was somehow transported to this universe where I first met the punk who called himself Discord. I ordered him to get me back to Earth, so I could conclude my primary mission and arrest Adolf Hitler, also known as Kung Führer. A leader of a massive army.

“He laughed and told me that he couldn’t do that because I was dead. I got super angry and was going to end him with my finishing kick™. Then, suddenly, I ended up here.

“I wasn’t able to arrest Kung Führer in my world, but I hear he’s taken residence in this one. I thought I’d pay him a visit.” Kung Fury turned around and looked at Twilight. “And that’s why I need you to direct me to the hive, citizen princess.”

“That might not be as straightforward as you make it sound,” Twilight said.

“I don’t have much time to spend? I’d rather see the paperwork already in the past than in my future.”

“Best if we take this to Friendship Rainbow Kingdom Castle before Pinkie Pie notices you out in the open,” Twilight suggested. “You’re in for a party if she does.”

“I can handle a pink pie,” exclaimed Kung Fury. “As long as it’s pie flavored.”

“I’ll race ya!” Rainbow Dash poked Kung Fury and bounced away in the air from the immobile stature incarnated. “I want to see if you’re just all talk and no action!”

A gush of wind spun Rainbow Dash in the air. She looked around then glanced at Twilight, “Where’d he go?”

“I think you lost the race, Rainbow Dash.” Twilight smirked.

“Whaa?” She looked to the castle. “No way am I losing to two legs!”

Another gush of wind ruffled Twilight’s mane. She smiled as she picked up the book from the ground. She dusted it with a hoof and talked to it, “Let’s win this race, The Intrinsic Aspects of Inner Flow Magic!” Her horn shone brightly. The moment she blinked, she won the race.

“Heya, Twilight.” Spike walked by her with a broom without even throwing her a glance. “How was your high reading?”

“Spike! I’m glad you’re here.”

“Hm?” He looked up to her.

“I need you to send a letter to each of the elements, except for Rainbow Dash. They need to get here as soon as possible.”

“Why not also call upon the blue, flying disaster?” Spike asked. “With her on your team, you won’t even have to look for trouble. You’ll be drenched in it.”

“No invitation needed. She’ll be bursting in here any moment now, anyway.”

“Why doesn’t the magical table call the rest, instead?” Spike asked.

“It’s not a friendship problem; it’s a justice problem.”

Kung Fury burst through the castle’s door. He decelerated by spreading his hands on both sides of the hallway. Sparks flew from his palms as they grazed the walls.

“Rainbow Dash? There’s something different about you.” Spike leaned his head to the side. “Did you get a mane cut or something?”

All the friends sat down around a large crystal table. Twilight stood up to present the issue that Kung Fury called to her attention. “Alright, so to begin, we have here with us-”

“Don’t fret, princess. I’ve got this.” He stood up. “My name is Kung Fury.” He put on his sunglasses as the name came up in front of him, but this time instead of glowing with fire, it shone with pure plasma. Twilight and her friends covered their eyes.

“Sweet Celestia, that light is too bright,” Spike said as he fell back onto the ground.

Rarity didn’t cover her eyes but instead left them open to gaze at the beauty that shined from his very name. “It’s marvelous!” she cried out as she brought both forehooves together with much delight.

“Everypony, please ignore the illogical effect that can’t possibly be explained,” Twilight said.

“I’ll get some ice for Rarity’s eyes.” Spike ran out of the room.

“You do that!” The princess nodded. “Now, I need you all to focus on the more pressing matter.”

“I can’t see…” Rarity whimpered.

Twilight didn’t let herself be interrupted. “Kung Fury claims the changelings are back”

Gasping sounds echoed through the hall.

"Supposedly”—she threw Kung Fury a questioning look—“Discord joined with Queen Chrysalis and her minions in her hive. It could be that he’ll aid them as they suck love out of everypony in all Equestria. We’ve seen him do it before, just with magic that time…”

“He promised not to do it again!” Fluttershy cried out and quickly put both forehooves on her muzzle as her face turned red.

Kung Fury folded his hands and said, “I will get him, not just for obstructing the law, but for straight out breaking it by becoming an accomplice of a criminal. I’ll put an end to their evil, messed up, not-gonna-work plan.”

“Remember, Kung,” Twilight put a hoof on his fist that was frozen in spatial dimension. “This is our fight, too. We’re in this together. As friends!”

“I had friends once…” Kung Fury’s voice trailed off.

Pinkie Pie put her forelegs on the table. “Don’t you dare say it was horrible!”

“No, it was great, actually. They saved my life and the whole world with it.”

Author's Note

Dismal The Zoner
Bad Dragon

Upon reading this chapter, readers are welcome to play the Comment section minigames.

GDoc