Purpose.

Something other ponies say you have.

Pain.

Something other ponies say you can feel.

Love.

Something other ponies say you feel for someone.

Loss.

Something other ponies say will happen.

Empty.

Something other ponies don't tell you and leave you to find out for yourself.

Other ponies told me that everything would be alright, but they would never understand the pain, the loss, and the emptiness that I felt.

My name is Lilly, I live in Manehattan and I have lost my ability to feel. Having emotions was too hard. When I was a filly, an event occurred that left me with a state of emptiness that could not be filled. Even now that I have grown, I still find it hard to feel anything but emptiness.

Other ponies say to me that it's normal to feel this way after someone you loved is hurt this badly.

Loss.

Every time I go to sleep, I can see their agony, their suffering, their state of shock.

Pain.

I always wake with a start, screaming until I realize it was just a nightmare. At least it was this time.

Tonight I walked over to the mirror and saw myself although it did not resemble what I used to be.

I loved to go to school. I would play with my friends and I loved it when my mom would pick me up from school.

The face in the mirror shouted, Ha! What friends? The only thing you wanted was for her to leave you alone!

One day, my life was changed forever. That day was when somepony tried to murder me. I wanted to run but I was frozen in place, my fear binding me to where I stood. She jumped in front of me as the stallion shot, hitting her instead.

You're the reason she's dead! Ha ha! If you really loved her, you would have ran on your own, my voice mocked me.

He shot everypony in the room, except me. He fled as the sound of sirens had come within earshot.

My mom spoke to me, through hazy eyes and gritted, bloody teeth,

"Lilly...I love you... please...be the best...pony you can be...I love you...Don't ever forg-" She stopped.

I remember myself saying, “Mom?” the tears swelling in my eyes causing her image to blur and ripple as her her body went limp in my hooves.

I cried so much it hurt, I felt loss. That same day my dad blamed me for my mom's condition and had kicked me out of the house. On the very same day, I felt pain.

When didn't think it could get any worse I realized I had nowhere to go to and a note that seemingly came out of nowhere had something about you in it but fearing it was bad, I did not read it because I knew you were dead.

Three times in the same day I felt loss, pain and regret. After that day i remember wondering why me? Why did that happen to me and why I was the only pony to survive the slaughter, how self-centered of me to think that way!

I used to love the world and the sound's it made only if you stopped to listen, but not even the birds chirped on that day. I would always look to the sky and take flight and watch as the wind tear through my mane taking all my stress away.

Now nothing feel's right after that day. I felt like a monster, I wanted to die, all that had happened had made me feel terrible. But through it all I found some pony, she gave me a roof over my head, fresh food and didn't expect anything of it.

I was happy that day. I felt like this was a second chance.

It's been a few weeks now and she still lets me live here, here in Ponyville with her. I have stopped having bad dreams about what happened that day and now, now I seem to have dreams about the good times with you mom.

From the day I was born till the day she died, she had loved me and wanted only the best for me. Where are you now? Are you watching down from the heavens my guardian pony?

Or are you just waiting for me to forgive myself for what I had done, what he had done. I always felt strange around you but I couldn't explain the feeling.

For it was a mixture of them creating the feeling like the mix of paints create the beautiful masterpiece.

I have been thinking about you mom, about all the things i never got to say and the things we never got to do. I remember one day I had asked for a kite so you could teach me how to fly it.

I bought one today in memory of you, I am now going to fly it and hopefully it will reach the heavens and you can smile knowing that I'm fine.

But I'm not really, I say I am but I feel really strange like I don't deserve to live where you’re not alive. But i try not to think about it too much.

The pony I used to be is gone, now the pony you wanted me to grow up as is further than it's ever been from my grasp.

I feel that strange feeling again and again, without you... i really want to live for you, to keep your memory alive.

But it gets harder and harder every day and I don't know how much more of this I can take, I will try to focus on the good in our memories for I cannot bare the bad ones and if I continue to remember them, I might break one day my guardian pony.

I fear I have depression from what happened. I flew the kite, did you see it mom? It was the one you liked, the filly soaring through the skies like I used to do. I thought you would love it and now I have done it but there is no sign that you saw it.

I want to see you again so i can hug you and never let go.

I have my own home now mom, I pray every night to you up there.

I pray about everything I do without you and how much I miss you.

I want to see you again but people say I can't because you’re to hurt. I just tell the other ponies that I will find a way to see you once more, to see that smile as I hug you and you hug back and we both never let go.

The pony I once was is now dead and will not come back... I'm sorry for what i am about to do my guardian pony up high in the sky.

They said I couldn't see you yet, that's where there wrong.

I will see you again, even if it means paying the ultimate sacrifice to do so.

I have tied a noose and now standing waiting to kick the chair from underneath me. There are so much thing's i never got to say to you or do with you.

I will finally get to see you again.

I kicked the chair and am now choking fighting for every last breath. As my eyes start to darken and i feel my last bit of air taken out of me, I smile.

I will get to see you again... I now realize that what you said to me as a filly was true, I have felt every feeling you told me about and mom, i never got to say this for i did not know what this feeling was.

Now I understand it, I love you.

And like that I had ran out of breath as my body went limp and all I could see was black

Author's Note

Please leave any feedback you think would help this chapter. and some thing's you may like to see in the more to come. Thank you for your time.