No, You're Late

by TripleOscillator

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2938

After Rainbow falls asleep at yet another one of Twilight's lectures, Twilight tries a very different approach to the whole 'learning' thing.

You know what really grinds the gears of Twilight Sparkle? Whenever she tries to give Rainbow Dash an interesting lecture about something slightly left of the whole 'friendship' field, she ends up talking to no one but herself! Dash keeps falling asleep, as she has again this time.

So what if Twilight tries a style of teaching that's a little bit... different?

Well, I'm sure Rainbow's new boss (and the Foal Free press, for that matter) would have quite a day with another stubborn egghead around.

Published 2015-11-30 15:20:08 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-30 15:20:08 UTC

It's All Relative

“Rainbow Dash!” A quiet voice from somewhere else called out. No response.

“Rainbow Dash! Wake up!” Her eyes snapped open.

All a fuzzy haze - everything was completely out of focus at first, just randomly shaded and entirely obscured blobs that floated around ahead of her. Within the space of a second, everything in the room became clear: a long blackboard, covered in a load of very neatly drawn mathematical squiggles that were unrecognisable to Rainbow; a book lying on the desk she sat at, the opened pages completely blank, but with a few variously hued strands of hair falling into the crease in the middle and a section that was covered in drool; and of course, a mildly furious alicorn standing in the middle of the room, staring back at her with an intensity that could burn anything that went past to a crisp. Although, maybe not quite that intense. But still.

“Oh, morning Twilight!” She yawned, as if completely oblivious to what she had done.

“Rainbow, please don’t tell me you fell asleep through my entire lecture about the properties of the space-time continuum?”

“Wait, you gave me a lecture? Why the hay did you do that?”

The violent echoes of the Princess of Friendship face-desking with an almighty smack made their way around Equestria, for everypony all the world to witness the frustration. Well, that’s at least how Twilight felt it, as her nerves jolted at the impact of her forehead against the polished wooden surface.

“Ugh, I thought you said you wanted to know all about - to put it in your words - ‘space and stuff’.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right! I really liked my awesome astronaut costume that I wore for Nightmare Night, and it got me thinking about space, and all that kind of stuff. So I, like, woke up this morning, and thought: ‘Who knows more about anything that anyone else I know? Twilight, duh!’ So I came ‘round your place, and next thing I know, I’m half asleep on a table with a book for a pillow!”

“So I’ve just wasted one and a half hours of my morning. Great!” She exclaimed, throwing her forehooves up in the air while letting her magic move the vast blackboard to the side of the room, where it would be less obstructive.

“Well, not all wasted.” Rainbow swished her tongue around in her mouth and grew a surprisingly pleased expression on her face. “Did we have tea earlier? I don’t usually have tea, but this batch was really damn good.”

“You drank all of my tea, Rainbow. All of it!” Twilight whispered through gritted teeth, before loosening her jaw back to the audible ‘normal speaking’ mode. “And actually, yes, it was all wasted. I finally had the chance to teach somepony about something fascinating and completely left of the whole ‘Friendship’ field of study, and it’s like I didn’t even say a word to anypony at all!”

“Hey, it’s no real biggie. You must’ve had fun explaining all of that, right?”

“But there was no point to doing all of that if you weren’t going to learn anything, Dash.”

“Do I look like one of those - what are they - quantamacum physicians? What if I didn’t really want to learn anything… well… nerdy, like that?” Dash tried to reason, pointing out the quite obvious.

“Well, what if, I don’t know, I gave you…” Twilight’s voice faltered, as the idea hit her ever so suddenly. It was cunning. Devious. Dastardly, even. But it was definitely ideal. Her mind cleared of any other stuttered thoughts as a light bulb lit up above her head, and a sly grin spread across her face, “... no other choice.”

“Wait, what did you say?”

“Sit down! Sit down and remain completely still.” Twilight ushered Rainbow back into her seat and came right up beside her.

“Okay…” The she hesitantly obliged, but soon relaxed back into her typical slouch.

“Now, close your eyes, and don’t move.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to fall asleep.” Dash grinned slyly.

“Just don’t move, Rainbow.” Twilight leaned down and lighted her horn, the spell igniting, allowing the powerful magic to cascade from her body and surge into her mind, where it attached to the various complex thoughts about time and whatnot and enhanced them into greater, more emphasised thoughts. Italicised, made bold, underlined, bright yellow highlightered - the whole lot. Then, like a cell from a biological organism, they split in half, leaving two copies of just regular complex thoughts. While the original ideas stayed behind, the copies were caught by the current of magical energy, and rode the surging wave out towards her horn.

“Uh, Twilight, why are you just standing ther- OOOOOOOH SWEET BUCKING CELESTIA!” As Twilight let her magical appendage gently touch down against the right temple on Rainbow’s head, Dash felt a spark zing its way from there straight into her mind, jolting her nerves alight along the way and sending that feeling all the way down her spine, making her body feel a tingle like the worst ever case of morning pins and needles.

“TWILIGHT! I FEEL WEIRD!” she shouted, as the energy focused itself into a stream that made its way through Rainbow’s mind, intertwining it with the very essence that drove her slightly out of whack thought process, and rooting itself within her surprisingly fearful and scary imagination (but let that be the subject for another tale).

“Keep it down, Rainbow! It’s nearly done.” She replied, trying to shush her noisy ~~guinea pig~~ guest. ‘Honestly, why is she screaming like that?’ Twilight thought, finishing off the spell and taking a deep breath to ease herself back into normal calmness.

“Alright Rainbow, you can open your eyes. It’s done.”

A whiny shrill echoed through Rainbow’s ears and a vast expanse of white nothingness filled her vision, completely paralysing her other senses while her mind came round. “Woah. Where....? What…?” She wondered, as she felt the blankness begin to blur over with subtle hints of colour. The sensation was odd, to say the least. Like being trapped within a sphere of endless white light, floating around the space as your numb body refuses to even acknowledge that it even exists any more, while your brain can only decipher the emotion of confusion, as if it was restarted and needed to make sense of its senseless surroundings. Gradually, the light around her started to fade away as the rest of her body began waking up and feeling free enough to move. As the room finally became clear, it revealed a very familiar face with a worried expression looking straight at Dash.

“Rainbow? Are you okay?” Twilight asked, wrapping her foreleg around her and helping the befuddled pegasus up.

“Y-yeah. I… I think so.” She replied, squinting at Twilight while rubbing the back of her head.

“Do you feel any different?”

Dash looked down at her hooves, and began feeling the rest of her body, making sure that everything was still there, and in one piece. “Uh, no.”

“Alright, but can you remember anything important?”

“Um, well, I woke up on that desk over there, and you were all frustrated at me and stuff, then we had a bit of an argument, then I woke up again feeling all weird.”

“So, nothing concerning the functions of the space-time continuum?”

“The space-time whatty what?”

“Not even the tiniest bit of physics I lectured about?”

“Wait, you gave me a lecture? Why the hay would you do that?”

Twilight looked down to the floor and sighed. “Oh well. I knew it was a bit of a long shot doing what I did.”

“Yeah, you know I don’t do lectures, Twilight. It’s just so slow and boring I need things to be fast, like me!” Before she could carry on, Dash was interrupted by a familiar growling sound coming from her belly, beckoning her to feed it with delectable treats. “Oh, shoot! I haven’t had breakfast yet! Sorry Twi, it was great seeing you and all, but I’ve gotta fly!” With merely a few beats of her powerful wings, Rainbow left a gust of air in her wake as she left the castle.

“Goodbye Rainbow! I’ll see you around!” Twilight shouted, hoping that Dash could still hear her. “Spike! Can you take a note?”

The dragon hopped into the room with an open scroll and quill at ready. “Sure! What do you want me to write?”

“Note to self: never do university-style lectures in front of Rainbow again.”

***

The sun hung in a position halfway between the horizon and directly up ahead, as if readying itself to fall below the horizon on this lazy afternoon; as Rainbow Dash zoomed across the clear skies above Ponyville to the small cloud building high up above the outskirts of town.

“I really hope I’m not late!” She panted to herself as she slowed down for the landing on the soft, pillowy space in front of the entrance. Not slowly enough to not be flamboyant, but not quickly enough to punch a massive Rainbow Dash sized hole in the wall. She swung the door open to the modestly sized office building, where several ponies sat around a planning table with a map of Ponyville on it, moving around cloud figurines across it like the most tedious board game the world had ever seen. Only slightly more boring than that.

“Great! I’m right on time… time. Time. Time. Time.” Rainbow froze in place, her vision blanking out as her mind opened the floodgates to a newfound reserve of knowledge, as if by magic! She was compelled into suddenly learn incomprehensible amounts of new information that surrounded the topic of the physics. More specifically, the workings of the space-time continuum.

“Rainbow Dash. You're late.” A gruff stallion said, as he left the table to find out why his least favourite employee was late to work this time.

Rainbow didn’t respond. All she did was mutter inaudibly to herself, while staring at a blank tuft of cloud that turned out to be one of the walls of the building.

“Um… care to explain yourself? Hello-o? Anypony in there?” He asked, but to no avail once more.

“Rainbow Dash! Why are you late?” He asked, borderline shouting at her.

Finally, after another period of awkward gazing at the wall, Rainbow looked at her boss and replied. “I'm not.” She said, her voice monotonous, the expression on her face completely blank.

“What do you mean ‘you're not’? You were supposed to turn up today at two for your afternoon shift. It's now nearly four thirty. I think that makes you very late indeed.”

“I'm not late.”

“Dash, what are you on about? I literally just explained to you that-”

“Think about it!”

The stallion rolled his eyes and sighed. “Give me one second. You’re late. There, does that confirm it to you?”

“Well, maybe I’m not the one who’s late. Maybe you are the one who’s late.”

“What?” He said, completely bewildered at Rainbow’s obstinance and apparent ignorance. “That’s literally the stupidest thing I ever heard.”

“No no! Think about it!” Dash continued to reason. “Everything within the four perceptible dimensions that we live in is relative to everything else, correct?”

“I… I don’t… what?” He stuttered.

“Well, it is. So, that means according to you, it’s four thirty in the afternoon, but according to me, it’s merely quarter to two in the afternoon. Therefore, according to me, I’m not late!”

“But… but that makes no sense! You are late! Look at the clock! It says that it’s four thirty, so it is four thirty!”

“But that’s merely based upon our position in Equestria relative to the sun. Manehattan is several hours ahead of Ponyville because it’s further east, meaning that on those longitudes, it appears to be later in the day. So if we were to use a clock from there, it would show that it’s actually six thirty. And if we were to use a clock from Vanhoover, it would show that it’s two thirty, and if you go even further west, it’s actually still morning!”

“But that doesn’t change that you are late to work!”

“I’m not even talking to you, am I?”

“Excuse me?” He huffed, on the brink of outrage with Rainbow’s stubborn arrogance.

“No I’m not. I’m talking to a you… give me a sec. Sec. Hehe, puns.” She claimed, as she pulled out a scientific calculator that seemingly popped into existence from nowhere (maybe Pinkie Pie was around at the time. Who could tell?).

“Yes, just as I said. I’m actually talking to a you from roughly 0.00000002001384571 seconds ago. Just like, when you look at the moon, you’re only really looking at the moon from around two and a half seconds ago.”

“No, you’re talking to me right now!”

“Relative to yourself, sure. But relative to me, I’m talking to a you from the near past. That makes you, according to me, in the future. And according to you, that makes me in the future too! Isn’t that cool?”

“Rainbow, what the legitimate buck are you going on about?”

“Wait,” she paused, for unnecessary effect, “what if you aren’t even here?”

Her boss rolled his eyes, with yet more supposed ‘nonsense’ coming his way. “That’s absurd because I’m right here, standing in front of you and shouting!”

“Maybe. Or maybe your actual mind, the one in which you are actually present in is several hours, days, weeks, possibly even months ahead, relative to my mind. You could even be several months in the past, too, where the existence of today hasn’t even crossed your mind. Therefore, with all of the possibilities in mind, you are probably not here.”

At this point, steam was hissing out of her boss’ ears, while his entire face turned a very irritated shade of deep crimson and his eyebrows angled downwards so aggressively they looked like they were ready to spear forwards and maim his nose. “BUT I AM HERE, AND SO ARE YOU, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT YOU ARE LATE!!!”

“But you see, as I have been explaining to you, relatively speaking, I am-” She began.

“AAAARGH! COME HERE YOU LITTLE BRAT!” He screamed, charging towards Rainbow with his head angled low and a look of fire in his eyes.

“But there’s still so much more to consider- argh! Okay, I guess we could talk outside?” She attempted to reason as she flew out of the building and down into the streets below, her boss in hot pursuit.

***

Boss’ Boisterous Barrage Boils Over Big Time

-By Daisy Swirl

If you were present in Ponyville at around four thirty (or so we were told) on the afternoon of Friday the 17th of August, you may have witnessed a rather unusual and disturbing spectacle.

The local resident Rainbow Dash was chased through the streets by her new boss. At first, the chase was barely noticed by many, but the entire situation escalated quickly out of control as the stallion smashed his way through market stalls, nearly knocked over trees and even caused minor personal property damage by colliding with the roofs of houses in the area.

One onlooker described it as: ‘Watching the world’s most athletic university lecturer being chased by a confused pupil (several years older, mind) who had blown a fuse and lost his marbles over the sheer complexity of her ideas,” while another commented: “Hehe, I ain’t seen anythin’ funnier for a long time. Kinda weird how Rainbow was sayin’ all o’ these crazy things - kinda in the same sorta way that Twilight can get, now that I’m thinkin’ about it - but it was really funny all the same.”

Apparently, the whole debacle was sparked by the late arrival of Rainbow to work. While this is no surprise to any of you that are local to Ponyville, the new boss, who had arrived from Cloudsdale not very long ago, has been suffering from this ever since he met his boisterous employee for the first time. After a lengthy argument concerning all sorts of things, the key word being used by Rainbow on multiple occasions was ‘Relative,’ her boss completely lost the plot. The rest, they say, is history.

As of today, her boss has taken up counselling sessions and anger management in order to deal with the stresses in his life that he has to deal with everyday, as he keenly pointed out in a very recent interview: “She just wouldn’t stop talking. It was just… argh! And she was late every day. Every single day, and she just couldn’t care! Like her job of organising the sky wasn’t important! Then that day, she just went completely cuckoo crazy! Speaking all of this nonsense, refusing to admit to being late, and refusing to go to work. It drove me up the wall, and, well… I had a bit of a moment.”

While the residents of Ponyville are used to somewhat more devastating or dangerous circumstances, the incidents on that afternoon really do go to show that even the smallest and most insignificant things can suddenly turn into big problems.

Rainbow looked up from the article and straight at Twilight, who was wincing with regret after Dash had read the story aloud. “Never do that to me again. Ever.”

Author's Note

If you have any constructive criticism concerning the writing above, feel free to post a comment outlining where I have made a minor boo boo.
Alternatively, just read and enjoy. Mr Grapefruit, out :pinkiehappy: