A Very Tarkin Hearth's Warming
'Twas the Night Before Hearth's Warming
‘Twas the eve of Hearth’s Warming, that magical time of year
When all the ponies do frolic and spread their good cheer.
And throughout all Equestria the ponies do roam,
Seeking perfect gifts, to bring them on home.
They buy toys and candies and decorative knick-knacks
Then wrap them all up and place them in stacks.
So the next day they can give them to foals,
To friends and to family, and bring warmth to their souls.
And so cheer goes around, and a fondness is spawned
Which spreads through the world, and the galaxy beyond.
But on this fair night not all was that well,
For the ponies of Equestria did run like hell.
In the sky sat a sphere that caused their distress.
A titan of steel, large to excess.
Because on this Hearth’s Warming, the Empire was here
To dash all warm feelings, and fill eyes with tears.
And the orb did scatter ponies to both near and to far
For ‘twas none other than the mighty Death Star.
Onto this great station Princess Twilight was dragged,
Her mane a wild mess, and her face looking sagged.
For the Empire’s Stormtroopers did put her in chains,
They yanked her and pushed her, and called her mean names.
And they took her to a man whose eyes were a-sparkin’
“Hello,” said he. “I am Grand Moff Tarkin.
I’m here to put an end to your holiday cheer,
To take all of your love, and replace it with fear.”
“Why?” asked the princess, her bright eyes storming.
“Why do you attack us this eve of Hearth’s Warming?”
“I’m glad that you asked,” said Tarkin with delight.
“Because to me this is an awful night!
You ponies become filled with cheer and good will,
And it spreads through the galaxy like a revolting spill.
For the spirit of Hearth’s Warming is very contagious.
Even our Stormtroopers give gifts – it is simply outrageous!
Every year on this day the problem gets worse,
As your ponies’ Hearth Warming spreads its foul curse!
On this day not one soul does quiver with fright,
Instead they laugh and they sing and party all night!
So once a year my war machine does grind to a halt,
And I am quite angry, for it is all your fault!”
And the Grand Moff did bang his hands on the table.
“You stupid ponies and your holiday fable!
My slaves and my soldiers are all way too happy!
They get cheerful and merry, and much much too sappy!
Why just this morning one of them dared
To wish me season’s greetings – as if I cared!
But this year I’ll show them all what the Empire’s about
When I put all of your holiday spirit to rout!”
And then Tarkin showed Twilight a screen
Where Imperial Stormtroopers acted quite mean.
They marched through Ponyville to destroy and to loot,
With blasters a-blazing, and matching white boots.
And very quickly the Empire’s soldiers did steal
Ornaments and toys, and even somepony’s meal.
They took boxes and stockings and lovely trees too
And even the animals from the Ponyville Zoo.
They piled all the loot inside a great ship
Until it was so full, it started to dip.
And then Tarkin’s men did run amok
With blasters blazing, as the ponies did duck.
They shot banners and streamers and kegs of root beer,
And at anypony showing holiday cheer.
The citizens of Ponyville might well have been fucked
If the Stormtroopers’ aim hadn’t still sucked.
And when at last the troopers did leave,
The ponies of Ponyville had much cause to grieve.
For the Empire had wrecked their holiday celebration.
They had stolen the presents, and blasted the decoration.
Each store and each home had been picked very clean
For there was not one treat left to be seen.
Every last toy the troopers had managed to take
And they had eaten every slice of Hearth’s Warming cake.
In minutes they had ruined long weeks of work
All because Tarkin was a big angry jerk.
And the Grand Moff did smile with great satisfaction
For he had wanted exactly this reaction.
“Ha!” said Tarkin to Princess Twilight.
“All the Hearth’s Warming gladness has ended tonight!
For I have stolen your presents and your tasty treats too!
Now not one pony can celebrate, not even you!
Hearth’s Warming is gone, with all its good cheer.
Now all the people will tremble in fear.
My slaves will be sad, my soldiers be jerks
As my great war machine once again works.
So tremble, little pony, before the Emperor’s reign!
For your precious Hearth’s Warming shall never come again!”
“You’re wrong,” said Twilight with utter conviction.
And Tarkin did start at her eloquent diction.
“Hearth’s Warming does not come from a store.
Hearth’s Warming means… just so much more.
It’s about family and friends and the love we all share
The friendship and harmony, and joy in the air!
We care for each other, and that is the reason
That we ponies celebrate the Hearth’s Warming season.
And even your men, oh Grand Moff, can see
That the joy is the sharing between you and me.
So though you stole our presents and toys,
The holiday will still come for all the girls and boys.”
As Tarkin stared down through his video screen
His eyes widened, shocked at what he’d seen.
For the ponies of Ponyville did not cower in fear,
But hugged one another, and dried all their tears.
Then they all worked together, every stallion and mare.
All the scars they did fix, the damage repair.
And though they had but a little, they shared quite a lot,
Like in some heart-wrenchingly sappy holiday story plot.
And though they had no presents, or tree to gather ‘round,
Soon all Ponyville echoed with the sound
Of Hearth’s Warming carols, bright, happy, and strong,
As all of the ponies began singing along.
For though they had nothing, they still had each other
Mother and Father, Sister and Brother.
“You see, Grand Moff?” Twilight asked with a hum.
“That is where Hearth’s Warming comes from!
Not from presents or streamers or holiday treats,
But from the ones we love, and all those that we meet.
Our closeness in friendship, our herd, our pack.
You cannot break that with your cruel sneak attack.
And it’s that spirit that spreads, you know it to be true.
Even your Empire can feel the joy too.
That’s why your men party, that’s why there’s good cheer
For love is so much stronger than fear.
And so long as we live, so our hearts have spoken,
The joy of Hearth’s Warming can never be broken!
But why don’t you join us? There’s room for one more.
And all of us ponies can open the door
To our hearts that this night need not be tragic.
For I can assure you: friendship is magic.”
Tarkin thought as he sat, eyes wide with realization
And mouth curled up with abject frustration.
“You’re right!” he said with anger in his voice.
“All of these ponies have made the choice
To come together in friendship, in love, and in peace!
And no matter what happens, they will not cease!
For Hearth’s Warming comes not from box or some pin,
But from love and from joy, and the spirit within!
You’ve opened my eyes, you’ve shown me the light
For now I know that there is no end in sight.
Hearth’s Warming will spread, with its joy and its cheer,
And it will grow stronger, each and every year.
I thank you, Princess Twilight, for you have shown me true.
Now I know exactly what I must do!”
“You are welcome,” said Twilight, her face a grin.
“If you’ll come down with me, we’ll welcome you in!”
“You were right, Princess Twilight, sun and stars damnit!”
Then Tarkin pulled down a lever, and blew up the planet.
“There,” he said, his face quite smug.
“Every one of them’s dead, down to a bug!
There will be no more Hearth’s Warming, no more good cheer!
Every last being will curl up in fear!
No more gifts, no more laughter, no more holiday feasts!
For now every last pony is completely deceased!
You cannot spread friendship, spread love, or spread trust,
When all of your planet is naught but space dust!”
And he said as she stared up with horror and fright
“Happy Empire Day to all, and to all a good night!”
