A King's Vanity

by Kyromancer

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Original Character, King Sombra, Adventure
Length: 3471

I used to be in the buisness of keeping secrets, so I know the vibe that surrounds someone who's keeping one even if it's the princess's favorite pet and her dragon slave.

Two months have passed since the Changeling wedding fiasco and again I find myself being taken on another misadventure with Twilight and her merry band of misfits back into the snow to assist in some rescue mission for the Princess of 'Love'.

Published 2015-12-01 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-01 21:00:01 UTC

Train Ride Planning

Dear pink bedazzled diary, it’s been eight months since Twilight has forced me to write in you, six of those months I’ve been strung up in a cell like a puppet for a bug queen that got off on my pain then was nearly eaten alive by fire ants only for a riot to break out between the queen and another race of changelings which was only a cover for Twilight and Rainbow Dash to teleport me back to a camp on the outskirts of the Changeling prison. Shortly after, Celestia launched something from a trebuchet at the epicenter of the prison turning everything up to the camp into glass then I was then drugged and sent back to Canterlot thankfully an old friend was able to heal my wounds and replace my wings with brass lookalikes (hopefully this doesn’t turn me into a moving lightning rod) another thing that might be worth mentioning is while I was being tortured Fluttershy felt everything I was going through and fell into a coma, however when Luna went inside her mind she was able to see the glimpses of me getting my wings ripped off but it was the spire outside the cell window that gave them the location of where I was. Fluttershy woke up last week and now I find myself on a train being forced to go on another endeavor with the Six to meet Princess Cadenzia and Shining Armor at a place called the Crystal empire the knot in my stomach twists every time I look at Twilight… that can only mean she’s hiding something and the fact she brought her dragon assistant with her can only spell more trouble.

I close the diary and wrap it in leather bindings then slip it into my pack and walk out the bathroom to find everyone at the round table with an empty chair in front of Twilight, yet next to Fluttershy who still avoids eye contact with me every time we meet.

“So what do we do?” I growl putting my sunglasses back on.

“Just trust me” Twilight answers.

“FUCK THAT-” I shout slamming my hoof onto the table “-if there’s something you’re hiding by all fucking means tell us.

“I can’t!” Twilight growls “I promised Prin-“

“Yeahyeah you promised Princes Celestia you wouldn’t tell us about you secret assignment even though telling us might keep some of us from dying” I state.

“Never say die!” Fluttershy shouts slapping me on the shoulder… however given the force it was no less than a tap.

“Well, look who decided to show-” I laugh “-Hello Fluttercunt where were you when they decided to drag me out of my bar and force me on another one of your misadventures on Celestia’s orders?”

“Well to jog your memory, YOU are still under Celestia’s orders to find the other three elements of your emo element group so that means you are going to help us with this little problem or else we’ll have Celestia will have you sent to Tartarus to have a little fun in their staldingo parties. Plus since we’re no longer connected by your coltfriend’s spell I won’t need to worry about your well being if you die.”

A malicious smirk stretches across Fluttershy’s face; everyone stares at us waiting for the next move so I reach into my pack and take out a hunting knife stick out my tongue before they can react I plunge my tongue down to the hilt and rip my tongue in half. Rarity faints and falls on top of Spike while Dashie and Applejack jump across the table to take the knife but Twilight stops them, Fluttershy puts her hooves over her mouth as a stream of blood slides down her chin. Pinkie rushes to Fluttershy’s side just in time to see my tongue fuse back together.

“Gin may be crazy but he’s not stupid, we were all desperate enough to think that his spell could be undone with a different type of magic; desperate enough to forget there could’ve been a failsafe. Now he laughs at us by allowing the spell to act like my healing potion.”
Twilight walks up to Fluttershy tells her to open her mouth, Fluttershy swallows the blood and sticks out her tongue… everyone breaths easy when the see her tongue isn’t split.

Fluttershy’s posture returns to the timid animal whisperer. “How did you know-“

“Let’s just say our heat cycles are synched.”

I leave the car and walk to the bar; I pull out my stogie and light a cigar.

“You know that’s bad for you… right?” Spike states jumping on the stool to my left.

“After what I’ve been through, dying of lung cancer is a painless death” I answer slipping the stogie back into my pack

“Is that REAL leather?” Spike gasps.

“The benefits of having a fuck buddy who’s a mortician. “ I answer

“What’s an ‘eff’ buddy?”

“Someone who understands what it’s like to have urges society wants us to repress until the right moment.”

“I didn’t know Ponyville even had a… what’s it called?”

“Mortician… someone who prepares the recently dead for the sendoff their families wasted money on for ‘closure’ well when the stiff has a wake the family waits for the urn with the ashes to arrive so between that period of the funeral and the burning of the body, Nightshade makes a little extra money sending certain organs to those in need and when she heard that I smoke the same cigars she does, she wanted to send a little gift for the messy work I help her with even though I was no materialist.”

“Is that why she’s your ‘eff’ buddy?”

“No, she’s my fuck buddy because I showed her she didn’t need corpses for ‘recreation’ then when I came back from Canterlot she introduced me to her sister Mistletoe and before then I thought it was bad luck to separate twins. But something tells me that Twilight didn’t send you here too here about my misadventures”

“No I came here for my own reasons plus we never talked much after the Gala”
“You never thought that was a good thing? Besides the first month after I came back, you had your birthday and I was able to keep the promise I made to Spitfire. That was when I found out the spell could heal my injuries”

“You fought the Wonderbolts and won?” Spike scoffs.

“They only know one method of attack! Fly in a straight line then split off to do a pincer move, I saw the attack coming so I hovered above a tree line and flew up at the last second; making them crash into each other and gave Spitfire the opportunity to break my leg before knocking her out so when the bone reset I thought it was Gin’s way of telling me that even though Fluttershy was free from the spell, me and him weren’t”

“So when Fluttershy was in heat?”

“It confirmed my suspicions that we were still part of his plan b”

“How’d you deal with it? I’ve been through some of Twilight’s heats so I know firstclaw it’s not pretty”
The dragon shudders as I dump the cigar cinders into the ashtray.

“Twins, Spikey-“I chuckle “-twins”

Meeting Princess Cadenzia Again

I look out the window to see the familiar ice caps when the train stops Spike and I go back to the car just as the conductor enters from the other door.

“End of the line” he announces.

We leave the train, the snowstorm makes the seven clump together while I keep my distance despite Pinkie’s pleading and see a familiar stallion wearing a black visor and cloak.

“Shiny!-“I shout over the wind “-I was hoping never to see you again”

“That makes two of us Changeling lover” He growls

“You wound me ya blind bastard! Although I did had my eyes set on the queen, my wanting to establish borders for the changelings had nothing to do with my blind patriotism towards Equestria”

I start laughing when the ground shifts and a black mist slides over the mountains and molds into the head of a grey unicorn with a curved horn, its red eyes are engulfed in a purple mist it lets out a deep menacing chuckle and flies towards us.

“RUN!” Shining screams.

Without thinking we make a mad dash to a dome made out of energy Shining turns back and fires his magic at the ethereal unicorn, the unicorn fires back hitting Shining directly on his horn making black crystals form out of it.

“And I thought I was reckless” I mutter grabbing Shining and jumping through an energy dome.

The wind stops, the snow turns to grass I look up to see the sky looking like a painting while buildings surround a glass spire.

“That was to close” Twilight sighs.

I turn to her grab her by the back of her head and throw her to the ground.

“Who the fuck was that?” I growl through everyone’s shock.

“Let go of my sister or so help me-“Shining barely has enough time to finish when I hold my wing across Twilights throat.

“You’ll do what soldier boy? Are you going to use your incestuous big brother act to keep me from killing her? You should already know
Shiny… I DON”T BLUFF so I’ll ask again very, very calmly WHO.WAS.THAT?”

“That was Sombra-“Twilight gags “-the first ruler of the Crystal Empire, he’s the reason we’re here you’ve seen what he’s capable of so let’s all try to get along so you can go back to being alone.”

I fold my wing back and pick Twilight off the ground.

“You’re not going to apologize?” she scoffs brushing past me.

“Twilight I have been sorry since the day I was born. Lead the way Shiny” I sigh.

After walking past a few houses Twilight tells us that this place is supposed to home to ponies who’s coats shine like gems but after walking past a few of the locals none of their coats were anything like gems. Shining opens the doors to the throne room and Twilight runs towards Cadance and they carry out their childish dance when I finally notice how starved Cadence is when she clears her throat. She still manages to smile, trying her best to make me forget about the power hungry tyrant in the snow.

“Good to see you again Frostbite“she tries to hug me but I back away.

“Princess Cadenzia… even when you’re half starved and have yellow teeth, you still manage to look positively ravishing” I mutter.

“Hitting on a married mare through your teeth? I think you’ve improved” she coughs.

“I blame your sister-in-law”

“HEY!!” Shining shouts, I roll my eyes and walk out the hall. “Where are you going?” Shining shouts again, I stop at the doors and look back.

“I’m going to stall our ethereal king and may very well die in the process while you take your wife to rest and everyone else does whatever your sister tells them to do. Whatever happens will happen and I hope never to see you or your wife till you see fit to rip me out of the comforts of a blissful blackout, so fuck you Shiny and have a nice purgatory filled with endless nagging and ungrateful brats. Also if you want them to be as smart as your sister, don’t treat them like infants in the early stages.”

Stalling

With the noise of the festival at my back I walk to the edge of the shield.

“Sombra!!” I shout “I want to talk to you”

The shield falters for a moment and I see the green serpentine eyes surrounded by the purple mist.

“And who of such low birth seeks and audience with me?” A deep guttural voice echoes.

“A willing recruit.” I answer.

Ten seconds pass when one of the crystal ponies gets too close to the shield, a massive black crystal emerges from the ground and a misty figure of Sombra snaps at her making her run off. After she vanishes into the fleet of brightly colored tents Sombra glares at me.

Don’t flinch, don’t fucking flinch!

“Come into the snow” He says “Away from these… dull creatures”

I walk through the shield… the winds sing an endless opera of screams, Sombra flies at me turning the cold icy ocean into a royal chamber decorated with red and grey flags, a fire emanates from a solid gold hearth and I find myself sitting in a chair carved out of emerald and encrusted with rubies. I look at the tea table and see an aquamarine chess board with obsidian and diamond pieces.

“Now then-” Sombra chuckles; moving the c3 diamond pawn forward one space “-Let’s talk.”

“Last time I played chess, I lost against a ballet dancer…” I growl moving the G8 knight to F6.

Sombra laughs and throws the game into the fire “Then perhaps I shall offer you a drink? SLAVE!!!”

The room vibrates with his voice, a door opens and Fluttershy limps in balancing a platter with a glass of merlot on her head. Sombra engulfs the merlot in a thick dark purple aura pours the drink into a glass chalice I grab the glass from the purple mist.

“Let me guess-“I mutter taking a sip of the noxious syrup “You found the crystal heart, destroyed it, enslaved the Elements of Harmony and took over Equestria?”

“Indeed-” Sombra answers putting the merlot back on the platter and Fluttershy limps out “-While looking through your memories, I also broke the magical spell that disgusting colt lover placed on you as an act of thanks while making you my personal own assassin”

“Knew you’d be old fashioned but it’s strange that I would become an assassin when I spent most of my life as an honest thief”

“It took a considerable amount of effort to undo the damage they did to your mind but fortunately it was only in its larval stage and given your silver tongue it would have been a waste to throw you into the mines.”

“But I still have metal wings” I state waving the heavy brass past my eyes.

“Consider it punishment for giving into your primal instincts against a possible ally.”

“And yet this is only one of a few possible outcomes.”

“How many exactly?”

“Four”

“Not one for high stakes?”

“Not one for looking for the most outlandish of possibilities”

“Then tell me of these four outcomes” Sombra growls leaning forward

“One: You succeed and turn Twilight into your apprentice because with her grief of failing a test to her teacher and failing her friends will break her mind long enough to see the alternative side in a much more favorable light that is IF she had taste of dark magic”

“Seems a bit cliché”

“Two: The crystal heart is found but the traps you’ve laid out for anyone trying to steal it is lethal and so ends the life of Twilight Sparkle, you gain enough power and when Cadence is unable to keep the shield up you retake the Crystal city and continue your life of mining up crystals until the lands run dry, then the slaves start to revolt, you get slaughtered by your faithful zealots and they parade your head through the city on a pike”

“They can try”

“Three: Since this land has unhealthy habits of letting ‘good’ win whenever some force threatens the already shifted balance, they find the crystal heart and you will no doubt be obliterated by the power of ‘love’”

"‘Love conquers all’ what a disgusting notion” Sombra spits into the fire.

“You’ll receive no complaints from me on that m'lord”

“And the final outcome?”

“You kill me and an Element of Harmony dies with me leaving Equestria defenseless you then kill every alicorn you see then you continue your reign as if nothing changed. Plus if you kill me, you eliminate an even greater threat to your kingdom”

“Yes… this ‘Gin’ has been a particular problem in your journeys but he had a different name under my rule”

“And here I thought we both had a great distaste for clichés”

“Sometimes they are unavoidable”

“So he was telling the truth when he said he had lived for eons”

“We called him Hermot, and he was alive long before I was born… he showed me the gift of darkness but he never told me of the spell that could prolong his life but no matter how hard I tried, no matter how painfully I killed him he would always come back so I decided to bury him in a large room with many old wards but when my empire faded… so did the wards.”

”A creature older than Princess Celestia herself? One even the great king Sombra fears and has been on this planet long before either of you with no historical records? What the fuck is he?”

“He simply is, if he wanted to tell us about his past we would already know but for now the time for talk is over, it’s time for you to prove your worth. If I release you from this illusion, will you go back to my castle and kill the princess of love?”

Before I can answer the room is filled with a loud klaxon alarm, everything turns into a black mist and is replaced with snow, Sombra flies over me and toward the spire, and I try to move back into the shield but he looks back at me and a concussive force knocks me back onto the other side of the train tracks. The wind howls and ice stabs through my skin as I try to trudge back to the city when a loud blast fills the air and the shield rushes towards me stopping an inch from my nose… I walk through the shield to find all the snow has melted, the air is warm, and no wind can be felt.

I reach the city and find all the crystal ponies have their original sheen as do Spike, Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Cadence and even Shining. All are now well groomed but when I look into a window I see that I’m still the same dull, ragged white coat and dirty black maned stallion that was dragged out of his bar and forced into his sentenced servitude, I glare at Twilight and when we meet eyes I gesture to the spire, she whispers something to Cadence, then tosses Spike into the crowd who catch him and start parading him through the city leaving me to piece together what happened when the booming thud of the spire doors snap me out of my daze and I see the six, Cadence and Shining staring at me ready for the moment I explode but I just let out a long, deep, shuddering sigh… I’m too tired to be pissed.

Outcome Three

“Seems I was right about love… complete, utter bullshit meant for the blind and needy” I spit at the floor tiles.

“Frostbite” Cadance whimpers and walks to me but I hold up a hoof making her stop dead in her tracks.

“I’ve wasted enough energy talking to your sadist king while your sister-in-law went on a scavenger hunt, but somehow she forgot about a trap that would alert his royal highness that she found his precious jewel, so he flew towards his prize while the baby dragon assistant fell to his death and at the last second your husband threw you into their path saving both Spike AND the city showing everyone just how loved they are while I was left in the snow… seems fitting if you ask me, the white stallion with fake wings unworthy to see what he would look like crystallized.”

“But-”

“Enough! It's not like anything I say even matters, you're just going to forget everything I tell you and go back to being surrounded by what I never deserved while I fade from existence, guess I’ll sleep in the dungeon till Twilight says we’ll leave-” I turn towards the six “-and I don’t want to hear another FUCKING word about love or sit through any bullshit lectures…only I’m forced to defend Equestria and after I’m done defending it, I go back to the same shithole bar, order the same shit drink and wait till the drink kills me”

I open the doors and allow the mass swarm of Chrystal ponies to flood into the room, despite the protests of Shining, Twilight, and Cadance over the ponies’ cheering; I make my way to the train station, lie down on a bench, put my sun glasses back on and drift into a dreamless sleep.