The Bureaucracy of Canicide
Chrysalis ground her teeth as she fumed at her latest failure. Twilight Sparkle was still alive despite her best intentions; Chrysalis counted her lucky stars that she made it out unscathed and unimprisoned. She really would have liked to return with at least the Crystal Heart, though. It would have looked lovely on her mantlepiece and have made an excellent consolation prize.
She grasped a quill and list in her magic and read it silently.
Let’s see, kill Twilight Sparkle. Well, that was a bust.
She crossed it off the list and put an X next to it. “Alright, let’s see what’s next on the list…” Chrysalis’s grimace split into a smile as she read the next item.
Next is... killing a puppy in celebration. Well, maybe I can’t do it in celebration, but I could still do it to lift my mood.
She placed the list and quill on the table and left her quarters to enter the Greater Hive Area. Outside were scores of changelings in unusually high spirits, conversing about… whatever it was common changelings conversed about, she didn’t really get involved in the affairs of her subjects. Chrysalis raised an eyebrow.
That’s strange, I thought they’d be more dejected than this.
She finally reached the Puppy Bureau. Sitting at the table were two changelings she knew well; their names were Thorn and Zorn, and they seemed to be doing an awful amount of paperwork. Chrysalis stood at the table for a little bit and watched them work, growing ever more irritated.
She decided to clear her throat, at which Thorn and Zorn jumped and put on the most obviously insincere smiles she ever saw.
“Ah!” Thorn said, “hello, my queen!”
“What can we do for you today?” Zorn asked.
Chrysalis grunted. “I’d like a puppy.”
Zorn leafed through the paperwork. “Now, will that be to love or to kill?”
“To kill. I have a good bit of stress to relieve, and I’d like to do it quickly, if you don’t mind.”
Thorn nodded and paged through his own set of papers. “Ah, yes, I think I remember you putting in a reservation for a...ah, yes!” Zorn picked up a stamped piece of paper. “A chihuahua!”
Chrysalis nodded. “Indeed. The squeals they make as I snap their necks really help me get out of a bad mood. And,” Chrysalis said as she leaned into Thorn, “I’m in a terrible mood.”
Thorn gulped and nodded. “Of course. I’ll get your reservation out for you.” He went into the back room.
Chrysalis tapped her hoof as Zorn kept marking documents. “So,” Chrysalis asked, “all the changelings seem to be in high spirits.”
“Indeed they are,” Zorn said with a smile. “There are a lot of puppies entering the gates of Paradise as we speak.”
“You mean a lot of puppies with snapped necks,” Chrysalis interjected.
“That, too.”
Thorn emerged from the back room, his face blanched and without a puppy. Chrysalis glared at Thorn. “Well?”
Thorn scratched the back of his neck. “Well, it seems… uh… we…”
“We what?” Chrysalis stomped a hoof on the ground.
“We, may… have… overshot our projections, and…” Thorn bowed deeply. “I’m sorry, my Queen, but we’re out of puppies to kill.”
Chrysalis’s eyes popped open. “What do you mean there are no puppies to kill! No chihuahuas?”
Thorn shook his head.
“No shih tzus?”
Thorn shivered and gulped.
“No…” Chrysalis gasped. “No corgis?”
“N-no, Queen Chrysalis, we’re out of the killing kind of puppies.”
Chrysalis growled as she snatched up Thorn in her magic. Her chest heaved in and out as she eyed down Thorn, who shook like a leaf.
Chrysalis took a deep breath and placed Thorn down. “Well, no need to make a mountain out a mole hill. Just get me a love puppy. I’ll have to repurpose it to suit my needs.”
Zorn raised his head. “Are you sure? The loving breeds are—”
“I said get me a puppy to kill!”
Zorn jumped, nodded, and entered the back room. He emerged holding a goldendoodle in his magic, Chrysalis licking her lips as she grasped it in her own.
“Thank you, Zorn. This will do.” Chrysalis turned around and headed back to her room. “This will do…quite nicely.”
Chrysalis stared at the goldendoodle puppy that currently jumped on her foreleg as its tail ticked rapidly and its tongue wagged to and fro, its positively bushy face brimming with delight. She had brought this puppy back to her private quarters in order to kill it, and she intended to do so. But as the puppy wrapped it paws around her ankle and stared into her eyes, she realized something.
I can’t; it’s too cute.
Chrysalis embraced the puppy and slowly siphoned its love, careful not to accidentally murder it. The puppy sloppily licked her face, causing her to giggle with glee… until she felt a wet warmth trickle down her body. She sniffed, detecting the foul scent of dog urine.
She ground her teeth and grabbed the puppy’s head, fully intent on snapping it―but the smile on its face melted her heart because it was just too precious! It was just a puppy after all. It needed to be potty trained. Chrysalis let go and watched the puppy leap onto her bed, circling three times before it made itself comfortable.
She’d worry about the paperwork later. This puppy needed a name! She sat down and put her thinking cap on, stroking her chin while she stared at the golden lump on her bed.
“Now what to name you… name, name, name.” She wracked her brain until a name came to her, her face exploding with mirth.
“I’ll name you Name,” she said as she stood up and petted Name, “what do you think of that?”
Name looked up and barked in approval before resting its head back down. Chrysalis smiled.
“Yes, Name is a wonderful name.”
