What the F*ck?

by BluEngy

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Science Fiction, Random, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1999

Side stories in the [i]Soldier Among Ponies[/i] universe.

Totally non-cannon stories in The Marine universe that should not be taken seriously. Most of these just popped into my head after seeing something. None of these stories will affect the main story at all, though some may tie into others.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-01 17:30:03 UTC

WTF: To Be Young Again

I was walking to Twilight's library. I got a letter from her via Spike's fire messaging thing asking me to come to the library at noon, it said everyone would be there so I thought 'Why not.'

As I approached Twilight's library, I began to wonder what she could want. 'They better not be planning some kind of sleepover or something.' I thought.

I reached Twilight's front door, and, being the respectful person I am, knocked on the door. From inside, I heard Twilight say, "Could you get that, Spike?" and a reply of, "Sure thing, Twi". A few seconds later, the door opened, revealing the interior of the Library, and a small purple reptile standing in the doorway.

"Oh, hey, Shawn. Come on in, the girls are already here." Spike said.

"Kinda half expected that." I said, walking into the hollowed out tree. I then notice the Elements sitting in a circle around a book.

"Hey, Shawn. We were beginning to think you wouldn't make it." Twilight said.

"Hey, you told me to meet you here at noon, and it is just now noon." I said, looking at my watch. "Timing aside, what are you guys doing."

"We're trying to figure out the text in this book." Rainbow Dash said.

"The writing seems to be in Equish formal, but with strange markings on a few letters, and the words make no sense." Twilight said. "We were hoping you would recognize the language, and hopefully be able to translate it."

"Alright let me take a look." I said. Twilight levitated the book up to me, as soon as I made contact with the book, Twilight's magic faded, as expected. "Let's see here." I said trying to make heads or tails of the text "'Girar para trás as mãos do tempo, e trazer alegria para aquele que será chamado mãe'. Hmm, I'm thinking Portuguese, but I may be wrong. Let me run my translator." I looked at the PDA screen on my left arm and selected the translator. I then spoke the lines again, and he translator did it's work. After about a minute, the translation was done. I pressed the speaker button, and the PDA came on with a very monotone voice.

"Turn back the hands of time, and bring joy to the one who will be called mother." it spoke.

"What could that mean?" Fluttershy asked.

"Sounds like a spell of some kind, doesn't it, Twi?" Spike asked.

"You're right, Spike. It does kind of sound like a spell." Twilight said.

"Maybe ya should try it out, see what it does." Applejack suggested.

"Wait, is it really the best idea to cast a spell that we don't have a clue as to the effects of? What if it's dangerous?" I said, just being my usual cautious, analytical self.

"Only one way to find out." Twilight said, charging the spell. Her horn quickly began to glow very brightly, and she seemed to be straining slightly.

"Spike, get behind me." I said, as Twilight's horn kept getting brighter. He complied without question.

The glow of magic coming from Twilight's horn was almost blinding, when suddenly, there was a massive burst of energy, smacking into me and throwing me across the room. The last thing I saw was Twilight pass out, before my head hit the wall and I blacked out.

I woke up with a groan, and began to slowly rise to my feet. Very slowly. My joints felt like they were going to give out at any moment, And the MES didn't seem to be helping. Before I could even get onto my knees, I looked up to see what takes the cake for the weirdest thing I've ever seen, and I worked at Walmart for four years, so it's a pretty big cake. First thing I saw was Spike chasing  what looked like a foal version of Rainbow Dash up the stairs. The next thing I noticed was a foal version of Rarity with a bite mark on her shoulder, crying; and a foal version of Pinkie Pie with slightly darker colors and strait hair, scowling at Rarity. The next thing I noticed was foal version of Applejack, with her stetson covering most of her head, only leaving her mouth exposed. The last thing I noticed was a foal version of Fluttershy nudging Twilight, who was still full grown. There was also some conversation going on here, but It was simultaneous. My trained ears were able to pick out what was being said by who.

"There has to be a counter spell! There has to be!" Twilight said.

"Well hurry up and find it!" Spike yelled.

"Mama, I'm hungry." Fluttershy practically whispered.

"Ah'm still a big pony." Applejack stated.

"WAAAA! She bit me!" Rarity whined, referring to Pinkie Pie.

"So what." Pinkie Pie, also seemed to have turned emo.

I just let my face fall back to the floor.

Of course I was utterly confused, but what was really confusing me was the fact that they could talk. 'Some of their adult minds must still be in there.' I thought.

I sighed. I really didn't want to get involved in this, but I knew I would regret it more later if I didn't help Twilight. I once again slowly rose to my feet.

"Shawn! You're awake! Oh thank Celestia, I thought I'd hurt you!" Twilight exclaimed and rushed to help me up when she noticed me.

"Yeah, I'm fine." My voice came out just above a whisper. "I just feel really weak is all."

"You need to lay down." Twilight said, I felt too weak to argue. She guided me to a couch in the corner of the room, it was a little bit small, but still big enough to fit my whole body on if I bent my knees a bit.

The four foals not being chased around the library by a dragon must have noticed the fact that I towered over them, as they were all trying to hide behind Twilight. "What's wrong, girls?" She asked them. I guess she had the same hypothesis that I did.

"There's a big scary monster on the couch." Fluttershy squeaked.

"That's just Shawn, he can't hurt you." Twilight said.

"Now you're just flat out lying to them." I said, my voice still barely above a whisper.

"Okay, he won't hurt you." her tone became a little threatening on 'won't'.

"Mama." Fluttershy whimpered. "I'm hungry." she then proceeded to use the most dangerous weapon in existence. Cuteness. Fluttershy looked up at Twilight with the biggest, beadiest eyes any creature could ever possibly muster. And Twilight was no match.

"Alright, Fluttershy. Give me a few minutes." she said. I could only see two possible meanings behind her words, and considering the circumstances, the stranger and more... unsettling, one is more plausible. As if to confirm my thoughts, twilight pulled a book down with the symbol of a baby bottle on the cover, opened it up, flipped through a few pages, and after reading a bit of one page, lit her horn with a spell that surrounded her... lower area, then soon disappeared.

"Alright, Fluttershy, just give me a few minutes and then you can eat. Okay?" Twilight said in a gentle tone.

"Okay, mama." Fluttershy said, slightly disheartened that she would have to wait longer.

Twilight walked into the kitchen of her small house, and came out moments later with a glass of water. "Here, Shawn, drink this. It should help with your voice, and maybe revitalize your muscles slightly." she said, levitating the glass over to me. I imagine it is the biggest glass she has. I took it and drank the whole thing in a few gulps.

I sighed after putting the glass down and sat up, "I feel like I just have a lack of motor control for some reason."

"Seems plausible, considering the effects of the spell." she said, she levitated the book that the spell originally came form up to her face, "I'll see if I can find anything that looks like a counter spell-AH!" Twilight yelped in surprise when Fluttershy latched onto one of her teats. "Oh, not so quick, Fluttershy." She was blushing like crazy. Soon, Pinkie Pie trotted up to Twilight and looked like she wanted to say something, but didn't know how to say it.

"What is it, Pinkie?" Twilight asked. Pinkie kind of eyed Fluttershy, but still didn't say anything. "Are you hungry too?" she sounded like she couldn't believe what was happening. Pinkie nodded. "Alright, go ahead, Pinkie." Pinkie smiled, a little, and latched onto Twilight's free teat.

'The other two are gonna come up soon and say their hungry, I just know it.' I thought. Sure enough, not ten seconds later, Rarity and Applejack trotted up to Twilight.

"Don't tell me you two are hungry too." Twilight said. Rarity and Applejack looked at each other, then the floor. "Alright, but you'll have to wait your turn."

Not long after that, Spike came into the main room holding a squirming Rainbow Dash in his arms. "Alright, I caught Dash... Twilight... what are you doing?" he was just confused.

"Oh... um, I did a spell so that I could feed Fluttershy- I didn't think ALL of them would be hungry." Twilight's face was a deeper shade of red than Big Mac's coat.

"Come'on, I'm hungry too!" Applejack whined, seeming to get impatient.

"Wait your turn!" Rarity chided.

"Let. Me. Go!" Rainbow said, trying to escape Spike's grip.

"Just hold on to her, she'll run out of energy before you do." I said, "Trust me, I've had to deal with a similar situation before."

"I'll try." Spike said, grunting. Sure enough, slowly but surely, Rainbow Dash, started to struggle less and less, until she stopped squirming entirely. Spike put her down. "how did you know that would work?"

"I have twins." I said, simply. "You know what, I'm just gonna go back to camp. I'll be back tomorrow. You know how to get to me if you need me."

"Alright, Shawn. I'll send you a message if I need you." Twilight said.

I walked to the door, opened it, and walked out.

the next day

I was standing in Twilight's living room, for some reason, at noon, again. Twilight had sent me a message 2 hours ago saying she had found the counter spell.

"So, why the hell am I here exactly." I asked.

"You can relieve a lot of the tention between us, with you here, with you here, it's not just us in the room." Twilight said.

"Wouldn't having Spike in here have the same effect?" I said.

"Um, well, yes. But-" Twilight began, but I interrupted her.

I sighed. "You just want me to be here in case anyone decides to do something stupid, don't you?"

"Yes." Twilight admitted.

"Let's just get this over with." I said, facepalming. "I have things to do.

Twilight nodded, and charged the spell, then pointed her horn at the foals, who were sitting on the floor like, four feet away from us. She fired the spell, and it surrounded the five ponies.

There was a bright flash, and and the place of the five foals, stood the Elements of Harmony, back to their original ages. They looked around confusedly, then focused on Twilight and I.

"Ugh. What happened?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"It'll come to you, just give it a moment." I said.

They waited for a bit, then their eyes widened, and the looked at Twilight, all the while turning a shade of red that would put any tomato to shame.

"Oh, my." Fluttershy said, trying to hide behind her mane.

"I'm leaving." I stated and walked to the door.

"Well, at least ya know you'll make a good mama, Twilight." Applejack said.

"What the fuck." I said. In my mind, this day would play out as by far the weirdest day of my life.