Hello whoever is reading this. You're probably wondering why me of all people is sending you this message. Before you click X on this page I at least want you to read what I have to say. All of it. Thanks.
When I first began having suicidal I was sent to the Horsham Clinic, some obscure mental health facility in the middle of nowhere. I was there twice. The patients were surprising relatively normal people who too had it rough. Even though I fucked up everything I was going to say and otherwise was extremely socially awkard they regarded me highly. But, well, how should I put this? After leaving they ceased to give a damn about me. I was infamous in the clinic for being possibly the most negative person there. They told me to stay positive, yet they break off all forms of contact with me when they say I can talk to them on the outside anytime they want.
Sometimes they completely ignore me. Most of the time after venting to them they do a face-heel turn and break off contact because they don't want to deal with me. After hearing what I had to say, of course. Its beyond hypocritical. Everyone at the clinic had depression. They know what it feels like to have nobody care for you and be alone. So how could they possibly force that feeling on someone else? ME? They fail to realize that I'm more depressed and negative than I ever was before. Despite that they no longer talk to me, I can still see images of them in my feed. Them living their life happily and having a damn good time. Besides a couple people behind a computer screen I have no real friends. I'm alone. And the feeling of loneliness is truly a hellish feeling. At this point I'm willing to do drugs/alcohol to get rid of this awful feeling. Anything. What ever it takes, even if it meant having to live up to someone else's standards.
Not only that, I'm plagued by mocking dreams everynight of me going out with my "supposed" friends and having fun. All is good until I wake up. Then I realize it was all but a dream. Not reality. I return back to my miserable, lonely existence until the next mocking dream comes. I can't even tell my own family, for they freak out whenever I feel the slightest bit of sadness.
Until recently, I've come to a realization about myself. After looking through my old messages, I realized just how fucking cringe worthy they were. When I vented to my former friends I sounded like an absolute crazy person. I didn't stop. I would send these messages complaining about how oh-so depressed I am. Which I was and still am. But even people who have depression don't want to hear that shit. Especially with the way I sounded. Not only that, I'm socially awkward as hell. So that showed up. A lot. I even made a joke about eating a cigarette or some shit like that. Such stupidity.
I hold true that it was wrong for them to break off contact but I'm the one who's more at fault here. I sounded like a complete nutjob. Its no wonder they closed off contact. And given the circumstances, I certainly would of done the same. I'm a hypocrite.
In group people always asked me why I hated myself. Why I'm so negative. Its because of the countless mistakes I make when talking to people. Time after time I made myself like a fool. And I have absolutely nobody else to blame but me.
For those I sent this message to, you know who you are. I'm truly sorry for the way I acted. It was dumb and foul. I have tried to move on, but I still end up making these same mistakes. And there's the fact that you're damn pictures keep showing up in my feed. Somehow.
As I said, I'm truly sorry for my stupidity. I ask for your forgiveness and hopefully, to become friends again. That's all. Tally-ho!
