Odd Bird investigations

by Steam Punk

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Mystery, Random, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 1355

A human people watcher must solve a time ripping crime after getting kidnapped by a tree.

Corky Bird is odd even by pony standards. A ripped piece of paper has made each alternate Equestrian future into an Alternate Equestrian timeline. Everyone is worried about the horrors that will come having what they call their ideal reality torn apart from its roots. (not that Corky Bird's concerned) The Tree of Harmony has intervened to get certain . . . agents to stop the rip from opening further. Yet why is a human in Equestria? The tree of Harmony doesn't come with an instruction manual and Corky now has to figure out what the crime was, what does her kidnapper want, and how to get home. Sadly ripping a hole in the space time continuum is circumstantial evidence for our reluctant amateur sleuth.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-02 10:01:54 UTC

Prologue

To whom it may concern,

I have not learned a valuable thing about friendship . It's a little too convenient I got kidnapped from the Xanthus School for Privileged People, the boarding school I attend, to a place surrounded by the school's mascot of talking horses. Not to be confused with Canterlot High or Crystal Prep the last time someone mentioned candy colored people was a re-run of a popular children's movie.The problem at hand hoof being what my kidnapper wants. You yourself are the most experienced in conveniently knowing everybody's every-pony's propensity for destined futures and have either the gaul or good grace to conveniently direct these destined individuals in the right direction without giving anyone any-pony straight answers. Perhaps it was out of Guilt for being too straight forward with your first pupil or maybe it stems from a deep seated twisted retribution for booting your sister to the nearest celestial body above the lithosphere. I am in no position to offer well mannered tact given the nature of my kidnapper had unleashed Magic Ex Machina in a blaze of lights, shadows, lies and destruction. If you are reading this than please note I still have your all too convenient train ticket but have decided to attend with a unbiased and unconnected third party. This is not being crass this is me being fair to your hospitality and me sticking to my complete and utter distrust of everyone in general.

Sincerely,

From whom you sent the train ticket.

*****

Dear, Diary,

The  Xanthus School for Privileged People, an enormous artistically designed eyesore just down the street from my little suburban house. Overall the school has a good reputation for providing education only to the elite of the elite, which is well-deserved.  I couldn't go five steps down a class hallway without bumping into the daughters of literal royalty or unheard of celebrities, even if the country is so small it's actually no big deal but they like to brag about it loudly. Also when I came here on a scholarship to go to school, I appalled some classmates by being having two jobs to pay for school. Grant it, I get a full school career tuition free but the school supplies and textbooks cost more than my babysitting expenses.

This document was only one of many to highlight the course of much people watching research. From the respected library of Bubble Plum's used Books Emporium I perused several outdated documents based on physiology and equine behavorial sciences. Much to my chagrin I will have to quit looking in the Animal sciences section for such articles. It appears that here in whereever I'm in. I'll stick to calling the city, Dodge. That anything with hooves and slash or mythological background like oh say Griffons, minotaurs, or otherwise are the dominate species. You'd think getting chased by the local wildlife was a good idea but no. It turns out that here a human really *can get eaten by dragons. They really can run away from sand sharks and tick off an overheated yak.*

Technically, this new world looks shockingly similar to Arizona or Colorado and thinking that slapping a yak's backside would not illicit words from said yak that were meant for a mature audience. Pardon the digression I didn't mean to compare the diplomat of Yak Yakistan to cross between a buffalo and a hairy angora cow.

To begin my query according to local Equestrian Folklore, Princesses are supposed to be the beings with phenominal cosmic powers. Over a millenium ago the first two Alicorns controled the sun and the moon. Preposterous that talking horses have the power to move an entire planet. Before the Princess Cadenza and Princess Twilight (note to self she's new) these two had a tussel using the Elements of Harmony to banish her to the moon. She returns to only get both thwarted and painfully purified. After that came the return of the Crystal Empire, a war was averted. The Princess of Friendship was crowned and now polices the planet like an attack dog crossed with  therapy to solve friendship problems, at least her and her six fellow annoying friends.

The overall behavior for seemingly convenient positive happenstance has been "Magic is as Magic Does." The symbols on the flanks allude to talents and disposition coupled with facial expressions show easily how any one of these ponies feel about their lot in life. They accept it as destiny. Personally I find it to be a copout. I like the challenge of reading people to have a cheat sheet chartered across their buttocks takes the fun out of it!

Magic has caused as many problems as it has solutions. For this magical land to be so environmentally perfect tells me that this world has a man made quality to it strangely enough. The equines say nothing is man-made but I can note Pegasi pushing clouds into orderly fashion. Earth Ponies who are heartily sturdy and robust take care of wild animals and plants just like you would farm animals or an exceptionally friendly petting zoo. Even the unicorn Bubble Plum displays sparkly telekinetic powers. His magic dexterity (when he doesn't sneeze)  gives me a contextual clue that before Alicorns evolved. Unicorns used to control astral bodies. It would explain the star related names I'd found in the newspaper such as Starlight Glimmer, Sunset Shimmer, and Moon Jelly.

. . . scratch that last name. He's a oddity unto himself.

So far word has spread about a disaster involving a magic time traveling scroll.  Clues I have found are this. Something blasted me here and I am still recovering from the affects.  The tree had six of these holes for cutie marks but the jewels spread to six more distinct shapes. More items are "missing" in distinct quantities. I shall take a couple days off to regroup before I go to the castle. Like my roughdraft of my letter says I was too conveniently invited to have a royal audience, too conveniently as soon as I arrived to the closest place with a mailing address.

I vow to finish this mystery!

Sincerely,

Corky Bird

*****

A sneeze erupted the cloud of dust blowing out from behind the towering bookshelves and overpriced baubles. Bubble Plum's watering dark turquoise eyes squeezed shut as a new itch bent up his muzzle. The royal purple unicorn sneezed again, violently tossing his curly bright blue mane. If his wide brimmed wasn't put on a peg by the door it would've blown off. He adjusted his bow tie before lowering the duster to the table that had been forelorn even messier after the dusting.

"Ah-CHOO!" shrilled Bubble Plum nasally, he'd sniffled wiping his nose on one dusty foreleg. Dodge Junction was a dust bowl if nothing else were it not for the hay that assailed Bubble Plum's stuffy nose. The dust constantly kicked up from the traveling horse carriages outside. All those constant allergens were a losing battle Bubble Plum had given up on battling the moment he further kicked his feather duster away. His magenta magic levitated several heavy tomes from the Animal Sciences section. Little sandy plumes scattered up another moment. Eyes squinted he screwed up his face sucking up another snort.

"Blech-CHOO-GOO!" Bubble Plum sneezed around another cough.

The unicorn kept wiping tears from his eyes. Antihistimene levels danced their merry between the dust motes and allergies.

"Is it cherry buckin' season already?" he wheezed, One cautionary sniff confirmed his suspicions, he sneezed again. "Ugh! Oh. Yeah-CHOOO er-a-yup. Cherry buckin' season. I reckon I ought tah-ah-EH . . . EH-WAH-CHOO . . . snrk I  hanker for dutch oven cherry cobbler. Yum."

Bubble Plum smacked his lips at the thought. The allergy riddled book store owner could never escape the siren call of home cooking. Then again all plans for lunch disappeared at the sound of the dinner bell. Bubble Plum adjusted his bow tie. He'd trotted to the open door only to get assailed by the grusome shadow. A long mangled shadow blocked whatever shady light leaked through the door. Bubble Plum tucked his tail and screamed.

****