Signed, Sealed, Delivered

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Sex, Main 6, Romance, Equestria Girls, Comedy
Length: 2451

This holiday season, everyone is just looking for some love. Especially if Derpy has anything to say about it.

This holiday season, everyone is just looking for some love.
Some of them are going to receive it by force.

Especially if Derpy has anything to say about it.

Prereading by bahatumay
Featuring a joke by Wanderer D

Published 2015-12-22 23:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-22 23:00:02 UTC

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

The doorbell rang. That was odd. Fluttershy hadn’t been expecting anyone. It was still a week until Christmas, too soon for people to be picking up furry friends for the holiday. It was also getting late in the day, almost closing time.

She dusted off her hands from the Christmas decorating she’d been doing to the animal shelter and went to answer the door.

Derpy the mail carrier was there with a box the size of a refrigerator. “Hey Fluttershy. This is for you. Sign here.”

“What could it be?” Fluttershy asked as she took the clipboard and signed.

“I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised,” said Derpy, taking the clipboard back and winking at a passing car. Or maybe it was at Fluttershy. It was hard to tell.

She tipped her post office hat and turned away, leaving Fluttershy with the box.

Examining it for a moment, Fluttershy couldn’t find any markings to indicate what might be inside. It was too large to get through the front door. She reached into her purse for the medical kit she always carried and took out a pair of scissors. With a few snips, styrofoam packing peanuts began to spill out of the hole she had made.

Just then, the box exploded.

Fluttershy screamed and fell back through the door amid flying foam peanuts. A strong pair of hands caught her before she hit the floor, however.

Opening her eyes, she found herself looking into the gaze of Bulk Biceps, who was blinking as if unused to seeing light. Despite his short hair, there were foam peanuts clinging to it with static.

“Um, were you in there?” Fluttershy asked.

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“How did you get in there?”

Bulk frowned. “I think I was kidnapped.”

“That’s terrible! Here, I can help. Um, if you put me down.”

He quickly stood her up and let her go, blushing. Fluttershy smiled and took his hand, leading him inside.

Down the street, Derpy smiled with the satisfaction of a job well done. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night kept her from the swift completion of her appointed rounds. Especially not during the holiday season. Her bosses had told her shipping was especially important this year. And she was going to make sure everyone got shipped.

Her meager understanding of the post office’s mission aside, no one could call Derpy passive. When people needed relationships for the holidays, she made it happen.

Getting into her mailmobile, she glanced at the list of destinations and set off for the Carousel Boutique. She had a shipment for Rarity.

Carousel Boutique received deliveries all the time, so it hadn’t been hard to scope the place out to determine how Derpy would go about making her next delivery.

The box she brought into the boutique was not as big as the last one Derpy had handled. Rarity watched her struggle with it, coming over to lend a hand. “Here, just set it down. Goodness, what could be in such a big package?”

“I’m glad you like my big package,” said a muffled voice. A different voice giggled in response.

“Quiet!” ordered Derpy, kicking the box. She turned to Rarity. “Sorry about that. Sign here.” Frowning, Rarity signed and watch Derpy scoot out the door.

While Derpy might have meant well and was really good at kidnapping, she wasn’t great at seeing the difference between an adult and two boys stacked on top of each other and wearing a trench coat.

Which is what Rarity discovered when she opened the box.

“What’s your name?” she asked suspiciously as the boy(s) stumbled out of their confinement.

“Uh, er, Snips...Snailman. Yeah.”

Rarity stared for a moment before the corner of her mouth quirked up. “By chance, would you like to do me a few favors?”

“Um, sure!”

Free labor was best labor. Rarity smiled.

Meanwhile, Derpy was on her way to the next stop. Four boxes remained, and the contents of one was protesting quite loudly. Derpy was happy to get rid of it, dropping it on Rainbow Dash’s doorstep and ringing the bell.

Dash answered, glancing down at the box before taking the clipboard Derpy thrust at her. “Sign here.”

“What’s this?” Dash asked.

“A surprise,” Derpy replied, snatching the clipboard back and quickly departing.

Dash shrugged and dragged the box inside. She bounced it up the stairs to her bedroom. Grabbing her limited edition Wonderbolts combat dagger with built in neon glowing action, she jabbed it into the box and cut the top off.

Looking inside, Dash stared incredulously. “Trixie?”

“Yes,” Trixie squeaked. Her eyes went to the knife. “Are you the one who dared kidnap such a high profile illusionist?”

“No. But it looks like I’m the one who saved you.” Dash grinned.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t need anything from you.” She stood up from the box.

“Well, all right then.” Dash stepped back and put the knife down on the shelf next to her sports memorabilia.

Trixie stared. “Isn’t that the trophy you got for winning the soccer conference last year?”

“Yeah, what about it? I didn’t know you liked soccer.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie shows up to your soccer games to watch you fail, not to watch your beautiful body run and- curses! Trixie is doing it again!” Her face went red.

Dash burst out laughing. “And I suppose next you were going to offer me some great and powerful lesbian sex as a reward for saving your life?”

“How did you know?” Trixie gasped.

Dash paused, but then shrugged and went with it. An opportunity to troll someone like Trixie was too good to pass up.

“Well, aren't you going to ravish Trixie?”

Dash grinned. “You’ll have to give me a good reason. I don’t pick up just anyone.”

“Trixie is gorgeous and desirable!”

Dash snorted. “Sure. Whatever Trixie says.”

In response, Tixie suddenly disrobed, tossing aside her stage performer tear-away clothes. “Inspect the Great and Well-Endowed Trixie!” She grabbed Dash's hands and pressed them against her chest.

Rainbow blinked. “Huh. Um. These are...really nice.”

Trixie thrust her chest out further and smirked. “Was there ever any doubt?”

A few blocks away, Derpy was arriving at her next destination, Sugarcube Corner.

Pinkie was behind the counter when Derpy came in, wheeling a box with a hand cart. “Hey, is that the sugar I was expecting?”

Derpy smiled. “In a manner of speaking. Sign here.”

Pinkie scribbled her name. “Oh, and here’s the muffins you wanted.”

Derpy took the bag and thanked her before leaving. The job had its own rewards but sometimes there were special bonuses along the way.

Pinkie hauled the box into the back room of Sugarcube Corner. It seemed to be fighting with her. She’d never had baking supplies do that before.

Opening the box, she discovered a man in a uniform. He seemed on edge, judging by the way he tackled her and shoved a gun in her face.

“Hey, aren’t you Soarin’, the Wonderbolts pilot?” she asked.

“Where am I?” he demanded. “Where is that woman dressed like a mail carrier?”

“Oh, she just left,” said Pinkie. “You’re awfully tense. Would you like some pie?”

Soarin’ stared at her. “You have pie?”

Pinkie touched his arm and gave him her biggest grin. “And a lot more! All you have to do it get off of me. Although... I don’t mind if you stay where you are, either.”

Soarin’ looked around. There certainly was a lot of pie on display. It was both stacked to the ceiling and sticking in his face.

“Okay,” he decided. “I’ll radio in later.”

At school, Derpy carried a box upstairs to a solitary door and knocked. It opened to reveal Twilight Sparkle, blinking in the light as she emerged from her dark science room. She occasionally did dark science in there, too.

“Hi Twilight,” greeted Derpy. “Sign here.”

Twilight took the clipboard. “Do I know you?”

“Your name’s on the package,” Derpy replied. That didn’t answer Twilight’s question, because Derpy telling her that she’d been stalking Twilight for weeks wouldn’t go over well. Derpy knew that from experience.

Receiving the signature, Derpy left. Twilight frowned at the box and tugged on one corner, ripping the tape. Inside, was a short, squat man with a hat about as big as he was.

“What are you doing in this box?” Twilight asked.

“I was kidnapped, probably by my no good rotten neighbors,” he replied, getting out. “Name’s Big Daddy McColt.”

“Why would your neighbors do that?” Twilight asked.

“Probably upset about the latest upgrades my clan engineered and built.” He shrugged.

“I like engineering.” Twilight smiled. Though she didn’t yet realize it, she was also instinctively attracted to short guys. It may have had something to do with her late night research. Yes, research, she thought, mentally both steepling her fingers and blushing.

She gestured to the door of her room. “Would you like to come in and talk about it? Could I make you a hot beverage? You mentioned engineering; perhaps we could do some science together.”

“Do I detect a subtle undertone in your suggestion?” he asked.

Twilight blushed. “Oh good, it’s working. I’ve been trying so hard to improve my social skills with entendres but the opportunities are so few and far in between.”

Well, that was still better than fighting with unruly neighbors, he decided. “It’s all right. You can be direct with me.”

“First, let me ask: what would you like to use as a safe word?”

Outside town, Derpy was on her way to the final delivery. The long, thin box in the back of the vehicle was addressed to Applejack. Derpy found her in the barn at Sweet Apple Acres and instructed, “Sign here.”

Applejack displayed just as much confusion as the others, but dutifully signed for the package. Derpy departed, and Applejack began to open the box, surprised to discover the contents.

“Uh, Principal Celestia.”

“Applejack.”

Applejack wasn’t sure what was stranger; the fact that Principal Celestia was in a box, or just how calmly she was accepting this situation.

“What are you doing here?” Applejack asked.

“I’m guessing kidnapping, though for the strangest reason.”

“What’s that?”

Celestia gestured towards where Derpy had departed. “That mail carrier mentioned that she was sure there would be plenty of happy couples tonight.”

“Well yeah, it’s not like the whole school don’t fantasize about you.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow and her lips turned up with it. “The whole school?”

“The whole school,” said Bulk, in Fluttershy’s loving embrace. “Out of all of them, I would pick you.”

“Oh, r-really?” said Fluttershy. “Is that really true?”

His smile was good enough for an answer and she returned it. It was nice to have found someone else so similar in gentleness and testicle size.

The two of them had found a private space in a back room of the animal shelter. Not the room with the animals. That would have been weird. Maybe later if Bulk revealed that he was into kinky stuff.

Speaking of the kinky stuff, Snips and Snails worked on Rarity’s landscaping. She watched them from behind her sunglasses as she sat poolside, the two of them trimming hedges and mowing the grass.

They were inexperienced and foolish and so very underage. At the very least, they would get some good advice from her on how to actually treat a lady by the time they were legal. They'd soon grow up and grow out of their silly little crush on her. But if they didn't…

Rarity grimaced and returned to her magazine. Well, they had a long, long, long way to go. In the meantime, she had free labor. They knew it too, and had apparently decided it was worth it. Was it really manipulation if everyone involved accepted it?

Meanwhile, in Rainbow’s bed, a very different kind of manipulation was happening, the kind that left Trixie breathless and blushing.

They both came up for air. Dash looked at Trixie and smiled. Trixie, however, was wondering if perhaps she’d gotten in over her head, figuratively. Literally was a different story.

“Let us never speak of this again,” Trixie implored

“Are you kidding? I’m proud of this,” said Dash.

“What happened to earlier? Aren’t you worried that everyone will know?

“Duh. All the guys will probably give me high fives.” Dash put her arm around Trixie. “Come to the Rainbow side. We have peanut butter crackers.”

Pinkie, on the other hand, had something much better.

“This is some pretty good pie,” said Soarin’. “But aren’t you worried about a mess in bed?”

“Not so much,” said Pinkie. “Really, when I bring out the after-sex snacks, that’s when you have to worry about crumbs.”

“You have snacks too?”

“Hey, I didn’t say to stop!”

Coincidentally, “I didn’t say to stop” was what Twilight ordered as Big Daddy McColt labored in the laboratory room / sex dungeon. The hastily constructed mechanical devices, weird science, and engineering that now decorated the room were all effects of their new relationship.

They were busy doing it IKEA style, inserting unit A into slot B, but still had time to get to know each other. He was a widower. She was a nerd. They both had blue hair.

He, perhaps though, did not notice the webcam she had installed. She wanted to remember this for a long time.

And in the case of other things that lasted a long time, Applejack had taken a page from Big Macintosh and was speechless. So was Big Mac. And Granny Smith.

The house was quiet and dark. The sun had set hours before. Applejack finally managed, “That was...all of us...how did you…?”

Celestia smiled impishly at the three of them. “Do you have any idea how much experience I have?”

Experience with kidnapping was one thing, but actually being in a relationship was quite another, as Derpy was finding out. While misunderstanding her post office duties, she was still as diligent at her job as she could be: lick Stamp, ship package, post envelope. Now if she could only get a package in her envelope.

She looked with longing at her crush. But no, such a tease.

“Sorry babe,” said Postage Stamp. “Got to go. It’s holiday season, and we Fed Ex employees have shipping of our own to do.”

At least Derpy could look forward to a threesome with Wilson.

Author's Note

Crackships selected from suggestions by my loyal readers.

Title inspired by an Onion article I remembered from 2011.

Wanderer D suggested the Stamp joke in Seattle's Angels Podcast Episode LXI. I said I would write it down.

Merry Christmas.