Screw the rules we have magic!

by daxz99

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other
Length: 2992

Two lovecraftian horrors get bored and decide to go to equestria. Ready to antagonize who ever they come across whether it be princess, noble, or even a random pony from town.

It was peaceful that night in Canterlot. The stars were shining, the crickets chirping, and a portal opening from another dimension with two lovecraftian monsters coming through it, because they were bored. Welp there goes the neighborhood. Join Archimedes Berthold Smith and Julius Rembrandt Xavier as they antagonize all of Equestria, starting with three unfortunate souls.

Published 2015-12-08 05:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-08 05:40:01 UTC

Boredom is a dangerous thing.

Boredom is a dangerous thing.

Screw the rules we have magic!

Chapter 1: Boredom is a dangerous thing

A single plain book sat upon a pedestal in an empty void, with a spotlight shining down upon it. “Once upon a time there was an ending, but before that there was a beginning.” A mysterious voice bellowed. “Here’s how it went.” The voice spoke as the book slowly opened.

“Ok let us start this story. It all started on one fine day in the middle of the night, where two dead boys got up to fight.” Interrupted a second voice as the book’s pages changed to show the strange scene.

“Julius what are you doing?” Chided the first voice, as the book snapped shut.

“Oh, Hello Archimedes, just reading these nice people a story. Why do you ask?” Questioned the now named second voice, Julius, as the book feebly tried to open.

“You do realize that they came here to read a story about us, not to be read a poem by us right?” Said Archimedes the first voice.

“Well it would make sense, but I thought I would try something different.” Julius tried to explain as the book started to feel rather left out of the conversation.

“Save that for later my friend.” Archimedes replied with a sigh.

“Ok then, see you later folks. Bye!” Exclaimed Julius as the book got fed up with this intro and decided to go home.

Somewhere in a void that always has been, yet never was. Where time doesn’t quite work.

“Archimedes, i’m boooooored.” Whined a rather childish Lovecraftian horror.

“Then go blow something up Julius.” Commanded it's, equally as bored, but not as vocal, best friend.

“That’s what i’m bored of.” Julius said.

“Then go read a book or something.” Archimedes replied with an annoyed voice.

“I’m honestly offended that you suggested such a boring task as a source of entertainment.” Julius responded in an offended manner.

“Then I don’t know Julius-” Archimedes stopped talking as reality seemed to buckle in on itself and twist into a pretzel for a brief moment. But not quite, for what truly happened is inconceivable for a three dimensional being to truly understand.

“What was that?” Shouted the first eldritch abomination.

“Just a bit of reality manipulation” The second replied hastily.

“Why?” The first said accusingly.

“I...I’m bored as well.” Archimedes confessed sheepishly. Julius, who was to horrifying to describe, (1) looked at it’s friend in surprise.

“You’re bored? How can you be bored?” Questioned Julius as It raised seven nonexistent eyebrows. “You’re always making smaller versions of yourself, to send off to different realities to recreate all that fictional magic we remembered from the third dimension.” It stated with an incredulous tone in what may or may not have been it’s voice.

“Yeah but I accidentally almost destroyed that universe.” Archimedes quickly responded. “And the heros, who are pure of heart ‘banished’ me to another dimension for all eternity.” It divulged with a sigh.

“Why do you follow those rules anyway?” Questioned Julius.

“Because it’s too boring otherwise. There’s no challenge to it.” Archimedes groaned in a weary voice.

“Why do they keep doing that to you anyway?” Asked Julius, confused as to the odd ways of mortals.

“Because, if you are a creature that can create universes with ease, but you don’t love them like they are your own child, then you are automatically branded as demon by most creatures.” Archimedes clarified with a annoyed tone in it’s voice.

“Well, do you want to go to another reality?” Julius recommended with what might have been a grin.

“What are you suggesting?” Archimedes questioned raising a theoretical eyebrow as it’s friend's sudden proposition.

“Well, we can make universes/realities at will right. Why not do that, and then go in and see what we can find?” exclaimed Julius with a cheer to it’s voice that only made Archimedes question why It had a sudden sensation of worry for what it’s friend was about to do.

“Hold on I need to change into my humanoid form.” Sighed Archimedes.

“Why would you need to do that?” Wondered Julius.

“Because, that is my second most used form. And since this one melts eyeballs and breaks minds with just a glimpse. It wouldn’t be good for the beings in the other realities. I suggest you make one as well, if you don’t already have one you like.” Archimedes replied in a lecturing tone, a thing It was wont to do.

“Do I have tooooo.” Whined Julius.

“Yes and I don’t want to hear another word about it.” Archimedes commanded.

“Fine.” Conceded Julius.

*Current location: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Time: Pb&j*

“Well those were all busts.” Sighed Archimedes as It turned to Julius who somehow had a apologetic look on what many philosophers believed to be It’s face.

“Sorry Archimedes, you think that adding tons of puppies would have been a good idea.” Apologized the horrifying horror of horribleness (2).

“Ok, lets try this one more time. After this i’m taking a nice long break to Japan, the people there always seem to enjoy my presence.” Groaned a stressed and increasingly annoyed terrifying terror of terribleness (3). as It swiped It’s [omitted] the portal opened with a large boom of energy.

“Ok, last one for today. Now where are we heading?” Asked Archimedes.

“I lost the list, so I have no idea.” Replied Julius.

“Wait, we had a list?” Questioned Archimedes.

“Well yeah, I made one several realities ago at 12 O’clock.” Replied Julius

“Wait, you’re keeping track of the time?” Asked an astonished Archimedes.

“Does it really matter?” Deadpanned Julius.

“No but that is amazing all the same.” Conceded an impressed horror.

“LET’S DO THIS, LERO-” Julius started to shout, but couldn’t finish It’s sentence because It was pushed into the portifying portal of portableness (4) by Archimedes.

“Welp here we go.” exclaimed Archimedes before It entered the portal.

“WHEEEEEEE” Exclaimed an excited Julius as It traveled through the portal before everything seemed to stop including Itself.

“Hey what gives?” Complained an annoyed monstrosity. “You need to change into your ‘human’ form.” Archimedes proclaimed as he walked up to his frozen best friend.

Archimedes was already in his human form. He wore a purple and yellow suit top with purple pants, had sky blue eyes with actual clouds in them, and had straight dirty blonde hair. If you are wondering what style, it was buzzed and left to grow until right before they were visible to himself, covering the forehead and back of his neck, with an olive skin tone. (5)

“Do I have to?” Whined Julius

”If you don’t, this part of the universe is going to collapse, I can already see the stress marks appearing in the air around you.” Chastised Archimedes

“UGH fine.” Groaned Julius. It then transformed into a man wearing a green suit complete with fancy tie, coat tails and top hat. (A/N) He had blue spiky hair,(6) his eyes were lava red with obsidian chunks visible, (7) and his skin tone was a little lacking, so he was just caucasian.

“Better?”Grumbled the annoyed Julius.

“Much.” Replied Archimedes before slamming his hand down on his friends back sending him to the end of the portal.

*Location:Canterlot back alley. Time: 500 years after the banishment of nightmare moon*

*WHAM*

“Ow.” Croaked a muffled voice. As it’s owner was slammed into a floor made of stone, in a pitch black alley.

“Well that was pleasant” Chimed a very pleased Archimedes as he landed on Julius’s back.

“For who you or me?” Asked the hole in the ground that was Julius.

“Both but mostly me.” Replied Archimedes in a humorous tone.

“How was that fun for me?” Questioned Julius with a groan as he laid in the hole.

“It wasn’t, I lied to try and make you feel better. But hey it could be worse.” Answered Archimedes as he looked around.

“How so?” Inquired Julius, still lying in the hole.

“At least we still have all of our appendages.” Replied Archimedes as he stepped of of Julius's back, and onto the stone road. “So how was your fall?” He continued as he read the poster on the wall next to him, apparently an orchestra a due to play on a wednesday.

“I didn’t fall, I did a random gravity check.” Retorted the still underground Julius.

Julius stuck his head out of the hole and tried to see where he was, but couldn’t. “I can’t see a damn thing.” He said as he tried to see through the darkness.

“I can.” Archimedes replied in a smug tone.

“Shut up.” Julius retorted.

“Stick up your hooves and give us all your bits!” Shouted a feminine voice, that tried to sound threatening.

“The fuck?” Shouted Julius as he waved his hands about. “Do these look like hooves to you asshole? We have hands!” Julius continued as he finally picked himself off the ground and out of the crater he made, while he brushed off the dust from his suit.

“What are hands?” Asked a masculine second voice.

“I think that’s what minotaurs have.” Replied a feminine third voice.

“Isn’t that what dragons have?” Inquired the second voice.

“No you idiot, dragons have claws.” Bickered the third voice.

“Will you two quit with your semantics! We are trying to rob these things here!” Angrily shouted the first voice.

“Ok hold on, I think you guys need a light source here.” Announced Archimedes as he looked at the rather humorous scene. He then picked up Julius, snapped his spine, and shook him like a jug of soda.

“What the hay was that.” Remarked the second voice. All of a sudden a green glow lit up the alley way. It had a cobblestone road, with walls made of brick. In one direction it split off to the right and left. And in the other it kept going beyond what was illuminated. It was also where the would be muggers stood.

The first voice was a unicorn mare, with a blonde coat, blue mane, and a bunch of blueberries as her cutie mark. She turned around after the light began to shine. “What was that noi-” The unicorn questioned as she turned around, but stopped as she saw the now bent at 90 degrees and glowing Julius.

“What’s the matter Blueberry?” Questioned the second voice, revealed to be a pegasus stallion with a brown coat, a tan mane, and a bouquet of forget-me-nots for his cutie mark.

“OH SWEET CELESTIA WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT THINGS SPINE!” Screamed Blueberry

“What’s wrong with yours?” Replied Archimedes as he pretended to sound offended for his friend.

“What are you two talking about?” Asked the pegasus as he looked over Blueberry’s shoulder. He saw Julius and then passed out.

“Why’d Hazelblossem faint this time?” Wearily asked the third voice, who was another unicorn mare who had a red mane and white coat and had a candy cane stick for a cutie mark.

“RUN PEPPERMINT! GRAB HAZELBLOSSOM AND RUN!” Screeched Blueberry as she ran around her friends and off into the night.

”Huh?” Peppermint said with confusion as she tried to find her now long gone friend. She then turned around to see what spooked her normally stoic friend. She saw Julius and froze.

Julius stared back at her and grinned as he thought of a smartass excuse as to why he was currently in the position he was in “Ah yes hello, we were looking for the limbo competition. As you can see I was practicing when you approached us, could you tell us where it is?” Questioned Julius as he grinned wildly.

Peppermint seemed to sag in relief. “Oh, ok then. It’s down the road three buildings down to the left can’t miss it.” She told him as she picked up the pegasus and left. She was glad that they decided to ignore the failed mugging. Meanwhile Julius was confused.

“Wait what? There really was a limbo competition, I was just saying that to fuck with them.” He said in a perplexed tone.

*Later that night. Blueberry’s house.*

“Oh sweet Celestia! Those things were monsters!” Rambled Blueberry as she paced back and forth across her bedroom floor.

“What are you talking about?” Replied Peppermint as she tucked Hazelblossem into the bed. She was starting to become worried for her friend.

“The thing in that tacky suit broke the other ones spine, like it was nothing!” Screeched Blueberry as she turned away from her friend, to hide the growing green tint to her face. Peppermint looked at her like she was crazy, she was beginning to suspect that she actually was.

“Can’t be.” Peppermint told her friend. “He said he was going to the limbo competition. You would know that if you didn’t run away from him as soon as you saw him.” Chided Peppermint.

“Didn’t you hear that snapping sound! I don’t know about you but I know what the sound of a spine snapping is and that is what it was!” Replied Blueberry harshly.

“How-” Peppermint hesitated. “How do you know what a spine snapping sounds like?” She questioned.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older” Answered Blueberry trying to avoid the subject.

“Hey guys, what are we hiding from?” Asked a voice from behind Blueberry.

“Hey you two, how come you aren’t at the limbo competition?” Asked Peppermint with a tilt to her head.

“They wouldn’t let us in because we were of ‘unknown species’.” Replied another voice as Blueberry’s eyes went wide and her pupils turned to pinpricks. She slowly turned around and looked straight into Archimedes’s eyes.

“Hey there, what was that about my suit being tacky?” He asked the shivering mare as his eyes narrowed.

“Ah-” was all she let out before she fell to the floor unconscious.

“Sorry about her, after she lost her farm she’s been rather grouchy.” Apologized Peppermint as she dragged Blueberry to the couch. “That’s why she had the idea to try and steal from somepony, I tried to convince her not to do it, but she’s been getting desperate lately.” Peppermint apologized as she laid her friend on the couch.

“How did she lose her farm?” Asked Archimedes as he stared intensely out the window, studying the night sky.

“Well times have been tough recently and the economy hasn’t been all that great.”Peppermint replied as Archimedes quickly turned back to look at her before she noticed he wasn’t paying attention. “Hazelblossom over there used to own a gardening shop with his wife before it got foreclosed, after that he and his wife got divorced because he couldn’t provide for her and their children.” Sighed Peppermint.

Archimedes, who looked like he was unimpressed, replied “Oh, that sounds so sad.” In a monotonous, and well practised tone. He then shook his head and said. “Ah, forgive my demeanor just then. I’m just not one to show emotion for those I don’t personally know.” He then looked to Julius, who looked like he was about to start sobbing at any second. “We’re going to help them aren’t we?” Deadpanned Archimedes, regretting the decision to find the ponies who tried to mug them. Julius could only nod his head, as chunks of obsidian fell from his eyes.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! Ok. We’ll help you get back your various properties. What was yours so I know what to ask for?” Questioned Archimedes as he pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a deep sigh. Peppermint seemed to perk up when she was asked.

“Oh well I ran the sex shop between the library and a bakery.” Replied Peppermint with a cheerful smile.

“PFFFFFT AHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Howled Archimedes, as Julius’s face went from one of pure sadness to one of pure shock and horror. Archimedes had trouble breathing as he asked her “If you haha...don’t mind me, oh my god I can’t breath. What kind of, heh heh, sex shop?” He choked out as he tried to calm himself down.

Peppermint’s eyes seemed to wander as she remembered her little shop.“Oh it had a little bit of everything, toys, books, photo sets, if you were on a certain list you could even go into the brothel that was in back!” Replied Peppermint who had a sad smile on the entire time as she reminisced about the good old days. .

Archimedes started to walk to the door as he said. “Well, we’ll see what we can do. It might take a while though.” He looked back at Peppermint and saw that she was looking rather confused at his words.

“And what can you do?” Questioned Peppermint with a hint of hope in her voice. He then preceded to grin widely at her.

“Many great things, many of which are also probably illegal, if only because no one has thought to make a law forbidding it.” Replied Archimedes as he waited in the door frame for Julius..

“Who would we see about this anyway?” Asked Julius after putting his sanity back together, and walking outside with Archimedes.

“The National Canterlot Bank.” Replied Peppermint as she closed the front door.

`Archimedes looked to his still shocked friend and shouted. “Well Julius, to the bank!”

Author's Note

(1) And if we did, it would make your eyeballs bleed for all eternity

(2) It’s a family name

(3) That was a self given name

(4) I’ve lost control of my life please help me

(5) So says the editor, and as the saying goes ‘if the editor ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy

(6) And i’m talking spikes at the end of a pitfall trap. He made it so if you bump into him you will lose an eye trust me on this.

(7) You could see it bubble from time to time, especially when he’s angry.

(Authors Note) Think the once-ler suit from the lorax movie but without the goggles and gloves.