Give it all up, and get into character. Welcome to your new life.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 1 of 6. Starts December 9th, 2145 AD. 3:00 PM GT.
WARNING!!! THESE ARE CLASSIFIED AUDIO LOGS OF AN ONGOING MILITARY OPERATION! UNAUTHORIZED VIEWING OR LISTENING OF THESE FILES IS A FEDERAL CRIME UNDER UFP LAW. OFFENDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED AND MAY SERVE UP TO 30 YEARS.
Log #1 Starting...
So here I am.
Sgt. McLaren here. Reporting From UFP Shuttle whose name I am not allowed to say on record. For security reasons of course...
Down below me is the Pearl of the great, wondrous, heliocentric Equis Solar system. The one goddamned Planet that has all scientists completely bloody befuddled. One planet that simply shouldn't exist. One planet that defies and challenges everything we know about our universe.
Equis I: Center of the solar system with one micro sun and earth sized moon orbiting it at all times. Occupied by intelligent life forms of several differing species. These species include a bird and lion hybrid known as the 'Griffon,' an anthropomorphic species of a bull known as the 'minotaur,' a winged fire breathing lizard promptly named the 'Dragon,' and various other species that I can't think of off the top of my head. However, the one I have been forced to remember is the Equine species, the ones who essentially named the Solar system and planet, known as 'ponies.'
Yeah, We decided to go with 'ponies' because that is what they look like. Least relatively... they are much 'cuter' if that is the word to describe it.
Anyways, I am getting off track. I am pretty sure my superior officer, or whoever is listening to this, is getting tired of listening to my rambling.
I've been sent here under orders to survey the planet, take photos from orbit essentially. After I take my photos, I am to send them to UFP Venture for Analysis. Via space comms of course, I am not supposed to move until I receive my orders to go home after all.
Anyways, that is about it. I gotta go do my thing now.
Though, before I get off and do my job, I just have to leave this personal note; for future reference I suppose. I have no fucking clue why HQ chose me for this mission. You would think that a scientist, or even just a skilled photographer, would be better suited for this job. Why do they need a dumb grunt like me to take pictures? Makes absolutely no fucking sense. I am dead certain I am not here patrolling for pirates or going to be getting into any sort of combat, so why send a soldier?
Anyways, it was just a thought. I just hope to get this done and over with so I get get back home. So I guess I better get to it.
Sgt. Mclaren, Signing off. End of log one.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 1 of 6. Ends December 9th, 2145 AD. 3:07 PM GT.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 2 of 6. Starts January 13th, 2145 AD. 12:00 PM GT.
WARNING!!! THESE ARE CLASSIFIED AUDIO LOGS OF AN ONGOING MILITARY OPERATION! UNAUTHORIZED VIEWING OR LISTENING OF THESE FILES IS A FEDERAL CRIME UNDER UFP LAW. OFFENDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED AND MAY SERVE UP TO 30 YEARS.
Log #2 Starting...
Sgt. McLaren here. Reporting once again from one shitty UFO.
It has been quite a few days now; a few days being the severe understatement of the century. I have just finished taking my shitty pictures and sent them off. Now, I eagerly await their reply. God of fucking mighty, I can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here!
Seriously, this place is driving me absolutely up the goddamn wall! I just can't! The whole place is nearly pure white there is absolutely NOTHING to fucking do here! Nothing but jerk off, shit, eat, and sleep! Just NOTHING!!! You assholes could have at least got me a boflex or something to at least keep me in shape!
I have gotten so fucking bored I actually enjoyed my moments taking pictures of the freaky inhabitants of this god forsaken world!
Did you know that there are three fucking variants of ponies? Three motherfucking variants!? Well, I do now. After all, I have been Staring at them for over a FUCKING MONTH!!! Don't even get me started on that freaky forest and its wildlife, that shit is just fucked up! Also, that village right next to it? THEY ARE FUCKING SUICIDAL!!! Also, Rainbow Maned ponies that shit rainbows, they are apparently a thing.
I think I might just go insane up here.
All I can say is that I should of brought a book, perhaps even my PDA. Yeah, Probably my PDA. Books don't got shit on that fancy piece of tech.
Anyways, that is the end of my report. As you can clearly see, THERE IS NOTHING TO FUCKING REPORT!!! Can I go home now? I need to get shit faced with some friends and family after this bullshit.
Sgt. McLaren, signing off. End of log two.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 2 of 6. Ends January 13th, 2145 AD. 12:07 PM GT.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 3 of 6. Starts January 14th, 2145 AD. 6:33 AM GT.
WARNING!!! THESE ARE CLASSIFIED AUDIO LOGS OF AN ONGOING MILITARY OPERATION! UNAUTHORIZED VIEWING OR LISTENING OF THESE FILES IS A FEDERAL CRIME UNDER UFP LAW. OFFENDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED AND MAY SERVE UP TO 30 YEARS.
Log #3 Starting...
What... the actual fuck.
...
You motherfuckers. You assholes lied to me.
You told that this was my last run...
You told me that I would be able to go home...
You told me that all I would have to do is complete this one last simple mission...
You tricked me, you actual fucking bastards.
*sigh*
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have officially been fucked by my own government... an amazing feeling, I'll tell you. I never believed I could get fucked this hard...
Oh well, might as well be semi professional about this.
Sgt. McLaren, reporting in from the UFP Absolution...
...
Yeah... I'm keeping that in.
I was originally under the belief I was sent to Equis I of the Equis solar system to preform a survey mission. A long, yet simple mission of taking pictures. Once I was finished, I would receive the order to go home and be honorably discharged, essentially getting me out of the military and back to the family I haven't seen in 5 years... Turns out, I was wrong.
As soon as they received the photos from my mission, they proceed to give me new orders. Turns out this was indeed a survey mission, but nothing like I originally thought. This was a survey mission to see where the best point to drop me off would be...
*sigh*
They want me to infiltrate Equestria, their government to be exact.
I am not sure what they plan on doing to me, to make it so I blend in and such, but I got a feeling it has something to do with that device in the corner. I always wondered what the fuck that thing was, ever since I got here. Now, I think I might know... The possibility scares the living shit out of me.
I still don't know the exact details of this mission yet, they are going to send them to me an hour from now. It might not be as bad as I think, but I have severe doubts. All I do know is that I am not going home. Not now, not anytime soon. Infiltration missions like these take years, maybe even lifetimes... Hell, given all the secrecy, it wouldn't surprise me at this point if I no longer exist. Amazing how that works...
I thought about running. Taking the ship and hightailing it to Earth, but I know at this point that I wouldn't make it. They would find me, and then I would be in serious trouble. If I really do no longer exist, they would have no problem blowing my ass out of the sky. Plus... I just can't do that. It has never been me to run from a mission, especially if it is this important. It is why I became a soldier after all, face the odds, protect the federation and its values, all that crap...
Can't just run from this, even if I wanted to.
Well, not much else to do other than wait. Let's see what I got myself into. Maybe it isn't that bad... Maybe they are not about to ask me to do the unspeakable...
Sgt. McLaren, signing off. End of log three.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 3 of 6. Ends January 14th, 2145 AD. 6:41 AM GT.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 4 of 6. Starts January 14th, 2145 AD. 8:01 AM GT.
WARNING!!! THESE ARE CLASSIFIED AUDIO LOGS OF AN ONGOING MILITARY OPERATION! UNAUTHORIZED VIEWING OR LISTENING OF THESE FILES IS A FEDERAL CRIME UNDER UFP LAW. OFFENDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED AND MAY SERVE UP TO 30 YEARS.
Log #4 Starting...
Sgt. McLaren here... Reporting from UFP Absolution.
It is just as I feared. Everything. Maybe even worse... I... Feel sick. This isn't right.
...
Well... I just got my mission details. They require me to infiltrate the Equestrian Military, AKA the Royal Guard, and rise to the highest rank possible. I am to remain in that position until I receive further orders to carry out the final part of my mission. Simple right? Well not in a human body, as they generally don't let aliens from outer space into their ranks. Not so thankfully, the eggheads came up with a solution... this device in the corner.
This device... it is suppose to turn me into one of them. The 'Earth Pony' variant, as they call it, to be exact. However, that is not the only thing...
I... I'm Sorry. I can't do this right now. I need to think. I really need to fucking think...
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 4 of 6. Ends January 14th, 2145 AD. 8:03 AM GT.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 5 of 6. Starts January 15th, 2145 AD. 9:03 AM GT.
WARNING!!! THESE ARE CLASSIFIED AUDIO LOGS OF AN ONGOING MILITARY OPERATION! UNAUTHORIZED VIEWING OR LISTENING OF THESE FILES IS A FEDERAL CRIME UNDER UFP LAW. OFFENDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED AND MAY SERVE UP TO 30 YEARS.
Log #5 Starting...
Sgt. McLaren here. Reporting in from the UFP Absolution.
I've calmed down a bit. Least enough to explain my situation. As fucked up as it is...
Now, where did I leave off? Oh, right... the device. The thing that is about to molest my DNA and turn my balls inside out
Yeah, you heard me right. This fucking thing is not only going to change my species, but it is also going to rule 69 my ass.
I know it might not sound like it at the moment, as I am trying to maintain my cool, but I am not a fan of this idea. My balls are just fine where they are thank you very much! Hell, I sent them a fucking email saying as much.
Unfortunately for me, they just had to have a good reason for this... Just had to.
They simply told me to read the text under section 4 of my briefing; a section on male and female gender roles in Equestrian society. Turns out females ponies are the more dominate of the two gender roles here, and have far more rights than males. This essentially meant that I would have an easier time getting up the ranks as a female rather than a male...
...but at what cost?
*Sigh*
They assured me that they would turn me back as soon as I completed my mission. However, that doesn't change the fact that I am going to be in a body that isn't mine for a huge period of time... I will no longer be man nor human. I am going to be a man trapped in a mare's body...
...quite literally.
Well, this doesn't change anything. I still have this mission, whether I liked it or not. At some point, I am going to have to accept what is happening...
I am going to be a fucking mare... I still am not happy about that. I think I might just kill someone when I get back, likely my CO.
...
Yeah, I'm keeping that in. You hear that? Imma coming for you when this is over! Imma make you my bitch! That is RIGHT! I am going to strap you into this machine and turn you into a female dog with throat cancer! Then I'll take you out back and shoot you!
Wait... Shit... Can't... I don't even know who the fuck you are. Dickhead.
So, yeah, jokes aside, its time... I'm scheduled to be deployed tomorrow, so they want me to get started as soon as I can... Fuck them, seriously, I would like them to work up the nerve to step into this thing; especially knowing what it does.
Again, doesn't matter, does it? Going to happen no matter how I spin it.
Enough wasting time. Just do it.
Sgt. McLaren, signing off. End of log five.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 5 of 6. Ends January 15th, 2145 AD. 9:20 AM GT.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 6 of 6. Starts January 16th, 2145 AD. 3:20 AM GT.
WARNING!!! THESE ARE CLASSIFIED AUDIO LOGS OF AN ONGOING MILITARY OPERATION! UNAUTHORIZED VIEWING OR LISTENING OF THESE FILES IS A FEDERAL CRIME UNDER UFP LAW. OFFENDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED AND MAY SERVE UP TO 30 YEARS.
Log #6 Starting...
...
...
...
...
Sgt. Mc...
...
Oh... Excuse me. Sgt. McLaren no longer exists. He was just torn apart on the molecular level and transformed into something else.
My god... Fuck this voice... This isn't my voice! THIS IS FUCKED!!!
...
Alright, get yourself together. This is the last one you have to make...
...
Former... Sgt. McLaren here. Reporting in from UFP Absolution.
The procedure was completed successfully, as you can probably tell from the sound of my extremely girly voice. Yeah, you probably like that, don't you? You fucking sickos...
Alright, I'll get to the fucking checklist you so desperately want me to get to.
I have all four fucking legs.
I have all four fucking hooves.
I have two extremely oversize fucking eyes just wide and ready for sand in the face.
I have a mane and a motherfucking tail.
I have two EXTREMELY OVER FUCKING SENSITIVE EARS!!!
I have a fucking snout.
I completely lack any form of fucking wings or horn. Thanks for that by the way!
AND I HAVE A FUCKING PUSS RATHER THAN A SACK!!! ARE YOU ALL FUCKING HAPPY!!!???
...
*sigh*
Well, now that I have vented my frustration, I am ready for my mission, HQ. Game face is on, and there is no going back. Nothing else matters but the completion of all mission objectives.
Repeating objectives now as proof that I have a understanding of my mission, and no longer require mission briefing.
Objective One: Establish myself into society and blend in with the crowd. I will establish relationships only if my cover requires me to do so.
Objective Two: After completion of objective one, I shall complete the recruitment program and join the Royal Guard. I will act as any normal recruit to avoid arousing suspicion.
Objective Thee: After completion of objective two, I shall do everything in my power to rise to the highest rank in the Royal Guard. If that rank is unreachable, I will achieve the next best rank.
Objective Four: After completion of objective three, I shall maintain my position until further orders are given to either carry out the rest of my mission or order me to come home.
I assure HQ that all documentation of the mission that I have received has been destroyed and deleted.
I understand that anyone who threatens my mission is to be eliminated ASAP.
I understand that my mission as a whole is to make sure 'Equis I' never becomes a threat to the UFP. If I am told to pull the trigger, I will not hesitate.
The mission is understood. I will begin my infiltration now. Wish me luck.
And go fuck yourselves.
...
Yeah, I'll leave that in.
Agent ID Ruby Shine, former Sgt. McLaren, signing off. Final log.
Pre-Mission Audio log of Sgt. McLaren. Log 6 of 6. Ends January 16th, 2145 AD. 3:30 AM GT.
I woke up on a road. It was quite uncomfortable I have to say... Shame, I was actually quite drowsy at the moment... Considering everything... Quite the huge blow to my spirit admittedly... I am no longer human.
Oh fucking well, I guess. Life might be a bitch sometimes, but we got to just move on. As much as I would love to lie here and pity myself, I had a job to do. Lying down and waiting to die wasn't a part of it.
Orienting myself onto four hooves, I stood up and took account of my surroundings. I appeared to be in a pasture... One that was quite familiar actually... Heh, I must remember it from one of the photos. Which one though?
As I observed the area around me more, that question answered really fast. Just up the road, I could see a town in the distance...
Ponyville.
Of all the fucking towns I could be dropped in. They dropped me near Ponyville. The town of suicidal idiots.
Well, shit. I really do want to kill that bastard now. If only I knew who he was...
Whatever, it doesn't matter now. I have a job to do, and I intended to complete it. A simple mission after all...
Yes... Simple indeed...
I began my walk towards Ponyville. There was no sense in sticking around any longer, as I have stated before. Nothing left for me here, just things to forget in preparation for the road ahead. I can't allow myself to be weak, I have to be strong to make it though this. I have to play the role, and believe in it. There is just no other way...
"Give it all up, and get into character. Welcome to your new life." I muttered to myself.
Despite my attempts at self encouragement, I couldn't help but shed tears...
Author's Note
Wrote this within a day, and now officially the first one shot I have ever done and actually completed. Probably the shittiest too...
Well, I guess time will tell.
