The Lost Spell Book

by ASGeek2012

Chapters

Chapter 1 - Accidents Happen
Chapter 2 - More Accidents Happen, Elsewhere
Chapter 3 - Alicorns Take Action, And Luna Goes Bananas
Chapter 4 - Sexy Wings and Evil Monologues (and, oh yeah, Twilight shows up)
Chapter 5 - Saving the Day Through Friendship and Trickery (but mostly Trickery)
The Totally Not A Sequel Hook Epilogue

Chapter 1 - Accidents Happen

Spike awoke with a start to darkness, and he yawned as he rubbed his eyes. "Umm ... Twilight?" he called out in a sleepy voice as his half-lidded eyes looked around.

The library was dark, largely because it was still dark outside. His eyes snapped fully open when he remembered exactly why it was still dark. "Twilight!" he called out as he hopped out of his basket. "Is this when you're supposed to find those Elements of, um, whatever they were? Twilight! -- Oh!"

Spike had found a parchment tacked to the wall, thoughtfully placed where his small stature would find it, filled with Twilight's impeccable script. He tore the parchment from the wall and read: "Dear Spike: Went to get Elements of Harmony and defeat Nightmare Moon. Will be back by dawn, so don't worry about me. Regards, Twilight Sparkle."

Spike looked up and let out a breath of relief. "Oh, well, if it's only going to take until dawn, then that shouldn't be too ... wait ... if it's eternal night until she defeats Nightmare Moon, then the dawn ..." Spike frowned. He could not tell if Twilight had simply been nervous when she wrote that or was trolling him.

In either case, Spike tried to take Twilight's words to heart, but, troll or no, Twilight was too beloved a friend for him to find solace in his basket. He instead decided to keep himself busy. Where Twilight had only just moved into the library the day before, she had not had time to unpack a lot of personal effects. In fact, many of her belongings had to be sent to her afterward, arriving much later in the day. Well, most of them ...

Earlier that day ...

"What do you mean, half my luggage got sent to Manehattan?!" a wild-eyed Twilight cried.

"Hey, don't yell at me!" Spike said as he brandished the parchment he had just coughed up. "I'm just your underpaid messenger!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "You'd think Moondancer would have gotten it right when I asked her to do me just this one favor and send my stuff to me."

"Unless she was sore over you missing her party," Spike muttered.

"Huh?"

"Nothing!"

Twilight looked askance at him. "Look, it's not like she's going to harbor some sort of grudge that will fester for the next two or three years."

"Oh, of course not," Spike murmured.

Spike chuckled at the memory.

What had made it were several boxes of books, mostly rare titles and special editions. Spike decided to sort through a few and file them. Twilight would likely frantically refile everything to match her own arcane style later, which was amusing for Spike to watch, so win-win all around.

Spike was down to the very last box, which contained only three volumes. All were quite old, their bindings creaking as he picked them up, their pages yellowed and crinkly.

"What's this one?" Spike said as he lifted the first. "Hmm. Totally Tanna ... Tanta ... Tanlat ... er, something-and-something Transformations. Huh. I thought transformation magic was forbidden."

He flipped through the pages. Most of the arcana was lost on him, but from the drawings he ascertained that much of the magic was centered around transforming other creatures into ponies. He had no idea why anypony would want to do such a thing. His confusion only increased when he found other spells that further modified the pony body.

He scratched his head at one particular page. "Why in Equestria would you want to do that to a stallion? And that specific part of him, too? Hmm, Twilight has that page bookmarked. Huh, I wonder why."

He shrugged and closed the book. Only then did he note a warning at the bottom of the front cover: Do not subject book to jarring thuds from a height.

Spike frowned. "That's a weird warning."

He picked up the next book. "And this one is ... Ancient Portal Magic - What We Know And Don't Know." He noted it had a warning as well: Do not stack this book atop other books. Spike raised an eyebrow and set the book aside.

He reached for the third book. "Coincidences, Con ... Contra ... Con-tri-van-cies, and Chaos - How to Avoid Them in Life And Magic. Oh, let me guess, this has a warning, too."

It did indeed: Do not stack with other books on powerful magic.

Spike stood and placed his hands on his hips. "Oh, I see where this is going!"

Now, Spike did not become Twilight's assistant by being dumb. Well, actually, he didn't get the position by being smart, either, given that he was hatched by Twilight and was effectively an indentured servant, but that's beside the point. That Twilight had not turned him over to a dragon orphanage meant that he at least had some intelligence for the job.

And with that intelligence, he knew books that he should not touch when he saw them.

A smug smile on his face, Spike carefully put the books back the way he had found them, avoiding any jarring thuds, placing them on edge without stacking them. He would do something else instead, like tacking down some of those loose floorboards Twilight had complained about earlier. He just had to find where they were again.

Spike's plans were forever interrupted when he noticed it was getting lighter. He gasped when he realized it could only be one thing. When he saw that Twilight had not, in fact, left the oven on accidentally and started a fire, he realized it could only be the other one thing.

He climbed into the window as fast as he could, and his face broke into a wide smile as the first rays of the morning sun streamed into the room. "Hooray! You did it, Twilight!" Spike cheered, dancing on the windowsill. "No more eternal night! We won't freeze to death! We get to live! We -- whoa!"

He lost his footing and fell from the windowsill. Not a big deal, really, as he had fallen from tops of ladders and had been body-slammed by doors multiple times. A little fall was not going to hurt him. Besides, it allowed him to find where one of those loose boards were, as his feet sank far into it, the other end levering up and catapulting the object that sat upon it high into the air.

Unfortunately, that object was the box he had so cleverly stashed away, its contents immediately slipping free of their container.

"Oh, come on!" Spike cried even as the books continued to arc through the air.

The transformation book fell from a height and landed with a jarring thud.

The portal book fell next, neatly stacked atop the first.

The contrivances book fell last, stacking it with the other two books on powerful magic.

The inside of the library was bathed in a flash of light far rivaling the morning sun, accompanied by a thunderous boom which shook the walls. When the small earthquake set off by the explosion had abated, Spike slowly lowered his claws and opened his eyes.

At first, he thought perhaps all that had resulted was a light show and a bit of charring on the wooden floor, as a stack of books still remained at the center of the magical explosion. His relief was short-lived when he realized that now two books sat where three had fallen. Spike rushed up to the pile and discovered that the book on transformation magic was missing.

Somewhere outside in the distance came Pinkie Pie yelling, "A PARTY!"

Spike sat down heavily, still staring at the scene of the accident. "Yay," he said in a lackluster voice. "No more eternal night. We get to live. Except me. I am so dead."

Ultimately, Spike did indeed live to see another day, as he did what any good panic-struck loyal assistant would do in a case like this: he covered his tracks.

Some judicious filing of the remaining books, a mop to clean up the char marks, and what Twilight did not know would not hurt him. With it and the whole Nightmare Moon incident behind him, he settled down into a largely care-free life where Twilight dealt with the much more important matters, like running off griffon bullies, helping her crazy-flanked Apple family friend with the harvest, and having sleepovers (he was still pissed at being sent away when Rarity -- Rarity! -- was there all night in her beautiful slumbering glory).

He awoke late one morning, grateful to be allowed to sleep in after the latest incident had disturbed his slumber the night before. What was her name again? Dixie? Pixie? Whatever. All he knew was that he had been woken from a sound sleep because of that infernal unicorn.

He made an executive decision that he needed even more sleep. He rolled over and closed his eyes with a contented smile.

"Where is it?!"

Spike's eyes snapped open at the sound of Twilight's frantic voice.

"Is it here?! ... Is it over there?! ... Did it get misfiled?!"

"Um, Twilight?" Spike called out, lifting his head.

In the library below, dozens of books spun about, glowing with unicorn magic, a frizzy-maned Twilight at the center of this organized maelstrom of the printed word. "Where is it?! Where is it whereisitwhereisitWHEREISIT?!"

Spike stretched and climbed out of his basket with a sigh. "You okay, Twilight?"

"I am not okay!" Twilight cried as the books twirling about her stacked themselves neatly off to the side, joining half a dozen other piles. A new set of books were magicked off the shelves and spun about her like some strange literature roulette game. "I am missing a very important book! So help me, if I find out this got lost in Manehattan because of Moondancer's screw-up--"

Spike hid a smirk behind his claw. "Which book was it?"

"A book on transformation magic!"

Spike stopped smirking.

"That book could be very, very dangerous in the wrong hooves!"

Spike fidgeted, his gaze sliding off to the side. "Um ... h-how dangerous?"

"Indescribably dangerous!"

"Oh, come on, nothing is indescribable! That's just being lazy."

The books halted. Twilight looked up. "What?"

"Using words like 'indescribable' is just a way for the author to get out of coming up with properly descriptive text to allow the reader to sufficiently envision the scene."

Twilight blinked. "What in Celestia's name are you talking about?"

"Just repeating back what you told me about stuff you read. I'm totally not trying to stall or misdirect you!"

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Oh, really, now?"

Spike gulped. "Oh, look at the time! I better go put the tea on and just leave you to your 'indescribable' dangers while -- whoa!"

The books fell as Twilight's magic grabbed the dragonling and plopped him down before her. "Spiiiike ..."

"I have no idea where your book is!" Spike cried.

"Which book, Spike?" Twilight said in a dangerous voice as she stepped forward.

Spike took a step back. "Um ... the one you didn't tell me the title of yet?"

"That's right, I didn't. So how would you even know what I'm talking about?"

"Because ... I-I'm such an excellent assistant! I just know exactly what you need."

"And do you have the book I need?"

"You mean the one you haven't told me the title of yet?"

"Yes, that one."

"Um ..."

"Do you know the title, Spike?"

Spike grunted when he discovered he had been backed up against the wall. "I might know ... it was, er, Totally, um, Tanta-something--"

"Tantalizing," Twilight said through clenched teeth.

"Oh, that was the word!" Spike paused. "And the next one?"

"Titilla ... um, er ..." Twilight blushed. "Never mind what it was! The final word was Transformations!"

"So the full title was ...?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Totally Tantalizing and ... that other word ... Transformations!" She loomed over Spike. "Now. Where. Is. That. Book?!"

Spike swallowed. "I, um, may or may not have seen that book."

"That makes no sense. It's either one or the other."

"It's called plausible deniability, Twilight."

"How do you even know words like that?" Twilight cried. "You can't even spell 'threshold', 'precipice', or 'brink'!"

Spike folded his arms. "I know whatever words will prevent me from being sent to the dragon orphanage."

Twilight lowered her head. "I am not going to send you to the dragon orphanage, Spike."

Spike paused. "You're not?"

"Of course not! Do you think I would do that to my loyal assistant?"

"Well ..."

"I mean, yes, the only dragon orphanage in Equestria burned down last month, so I really don't have one to send you to anyway, but that's the beside the point," said Twilight. "Now, tell me exactly what happened to my book. Start from the very beginning."

Spike nodded. "Okay, well, about three or so millennia ago, unicorn ponies invented what would become known as paper in order to better preserve the written word--"

Twilight glared at Spike. "Not that far back. No more stalling now. Tell me."

Spike sighed. "Okay, fine, here's what happened ..."

He went on to recount everything that had happened with only a few minor embellishments concerning his attempts to save the books with little regard to his own safety.

"--and then when using my breath as a rocket flame to propel me to the spot where the books would land failed, I--"

"Thank you, Spike, I've heard enough," said Twilight, turning away. "Pack your bags."

Spike blinked. "What? Why??"

"I'm sending you to the dragon orphanage."

"B-but you said it burned down!"

"I'll rebuild it with my own horn and hooves brick by brick if I have to!"

Spike did not, in fact, have to go anywhere, other than a quick trip to the store to get some of the herbal tea Twilight used to settle her nerves. She uttered a sigh as she sat on her haunches near the spot where the books had crashed to the floor that night months ago, sipping a steaming cup of said tea.

"Well, Spike, at least I've confirmed from tracing the faint remnants of the teleportation magic that the book is nowhere in Equestria," she said with a sigh.

"So ... I don't have to go to the dragon orphanage after all?" Spike said hopefully.

"Oh, I wasn't serious, I was just upset. I apologize."

"I really am sorry I lost your book," said Spike. "Are you sure it's nowhere to be found?"

"Nowhere in this world, anyway."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Come again?"

"The force of the magical explosion likely quantum-tunneled it through the thaumic barrier, thereby resulting in a hyperdimensional warp encapsulating a spacetime conduit through the metaversal aether."

Spike scratched his head. "You lost me after the word 'explosion'."

"It got dumped into another world, Spike."

Spike gasped. "Oh, no! Is that part of the indescribable stuff you mentioned earlier?"

"Actually, no, this is a good thing."

"It is?"

"Yes. You see, Spike, if it wound up in Equestria, it could be found by any competent unicorn mage and used for twisted purposes," Twilight explained. "If it instead went to another world, then the odds of somepony finding it intact, and translating it from a foreign language with no proper primer, and being able to work a spell from what would likely be an incompatible magic system -- if that world even had magic at all -- are so astronomically small that the book would effectively be useless. It would be complete nonsense to them, like the Ponyich Manuscript is to us."

Spike considered. "Are you really sure of that, Twilight? I mean, what if they did have--"

"No, it's impossible!" Twilight declared. "You'd have about as much chance of finding, I don't know, a magic mirror that allowed a pony to step into an alien world that just happened to speak the same language, where our magic would just happen to work, and where there are analogues to every pony we know here except represented as aliens."

"Huh, yeah, that's pretty far-fetched all right," Spike said with a chuckle.

"Exactly. So as much as it pains me to no longer have that book, at least it didn't fall into the wrong hooves."

An uneasy quiet settled over them.

"So, um," Spike said. "Just why did you have that book in the first place if it's so dangerous?"

"Oh, um, well, not all the spells are dangerous," Twilight said as she took another sip of tea.

"You mean like the one to enlarge a stallion's--"

Twilight spit out her tea. "Spike! You read it?!"

"Well, no, I didn't. I can't read magic, remember?"

"Oh ... well, good." Twilight lifted her cup.

"But it did have pictures."

Twilight spit out her tea again. "You looked at the pictures?!"

Spike frowned. "Jeez, Twilight, what's the big deal? I mean, yeah, no idea why you'd want to do that sort of stuff to a stallion, but I'm not the magic-user here."

"Er, right. You're not."

Spike tilted his head. "Are you blushing?"

"I am not!" Twilight lied. "It's just ... warm in here."

Spike smirked. "Uh-huh."

"Listen, Spike," said Twilight, her lips twitching into a smile. "I'd appreciate it if you kept this quiet."

Spike shrugged. "Yeah, sure, I can. Why?"

"Never mind why, just do as I say."

Spike paused. "Does this have something to do with sex?"

"What?? No! Absolutely not!" Twilight cried. "Why would you even say that?"

"Because it's the one subject that makes you completely freak out, so I just toss it against the wall sometimes and see if it sticks. Like now."

Twilight frowned. "You can be a real troll, sometimes, Spike."

Spike grinned. "Takes one to know one. Oh, and you're still blushing."

"I'll have you know that my interest in those spells was purely academic."

"So then I shouldn't read anything into the names of Princess Celestia's guards that you scribbled on the bookmark?"

"Right. Nothing at all."

"Or the measurements next to them?"

"Estimations! Not real hooves-on data!"

"And the formula projecting their final--"

"A thought experiment only!"

"You're blushing harder."

Twilight ground her teeth. "What is it going to take to end this awkward conversation?"

Spike smiled. "I get to sleep in for the next two weeks."

"Fine, done. Now--"

"And a hot fudge sundae every day at Sugarcube Corner for three weeks."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Okay, done."

"And you let me set up a hidden camera next time Rarity is here for a sleepover."

"Don't push it, Spike."

"Sorry." Spike paused. "So what was the part of the danger, then, that was indescribable? The stuff you bookmarked was kinda weird but not Nightmare Moon level danger."

"It's not that part that worried me, Spike," said Twilight. "It's the first part of the book."

"Oh, the transforming creatures into ponies bit?"

"Yes!" Twilight shivered. "That part of the book goes into great detail on the workings of earth, unicorn, and pegasus magic. It even talks about the magic behind cutie marks. It would have to in order to convey the necessary magicks to ensure a proper transformation."

"O-kay," said Spike, scratching his head. "And this is bad how?"

"Spike, don't you get it? Armed with that knowledge, somepony could create their own magical pony civilization from scratch! I don't think the original author really understood the implications of her work. That's why I was protecting the book, to keep it out of irresponsible hooves."

"And so you can enjoy testing out the stallion-modifying spells."

"Yes -- no!"

Spike laughed.

"Argh! You can be a real pain, sometimes."

"You don't mean that."

Twilight smiled weakly. "No, I don't. But let's stop talking about this, okay? It's been said and done, and you've wheedled enough concessions out of me. Deal?"

Spike smiled. "Deal."

Time heals all wounds, and thus did the terrible rending in Twilight's heart over the loss of her beloved book finally scab over and slowly mend. It helped that she had so many other responsibilities to distract her over the next few years. From her crazy friends' friendship problems to a recalcitrant draconequus; from Canterlot's bug problem to ancient empires appearing out of thin air; from that damn draconequus again to, well, that stupid draconequus again; from Tartarus prison escapees (and that infernal draconequus yet again) to cutie-mark mad ponies (no, not the Crusaders). Through all this, Twilight had her hooves quite full and had all but forgotten about the book, except perhaps in her (totally academic) dreams.

As Twilight would soon discover, however, having something be lost and forgotten does not preclude it coming back to bite one on the flank later ...

Chapter 2 - More Accidents Happen, Elsewhere

The ancient works annex of the museum was like a tomb, dead quiet and smelling of the mustiness of the ages. A sigh like that from a haunting spirit drifted through empty corridors lit only by the baleful light of the full moon. Well, it would have sounded more eerie had it not been accompanied by the impatient, staccato cadence of hard-heeled shoes.

The "spirit" finally stopped at the doorway to the back room and spoke. "Amy?"

At a table, yellowed parchments and musty tomes littered in organized chaos around her, a mousy-looking dark-haired young woman sat, her nose buried in a book larger and heavier than most cinder blocks.

The "spirit" of the museum -- namely a middle-aged woman named Patricia Tanner who was its manager -- called out again, more insistent, "Amy?"

The young woman seemed not to notice.

"Amy!"

The woman's head jerked up, her large-framed glasses almost flying off her head. "Huh? What??"

Patricia sighed. "Amy, you need to go home."

Amy Sommers sighed and adjusted her glasses. "Already?"

"Already? It's almost eight at night!"

Amy's eyes widened. "Eight? Oh, um, sorry, Ms. Tanner. Time must have gotten away from me again."

Patricia shook her head as Amy closed the book and gathered her things. "I know you're really interested in this stuff about ancient magic and witchcraft, but I'm getting a little concerned that you're too obsessed with it."

Amy pushed her glasses back from the tip of her nose. "I am not obsessed."

"This is the fourth day in a row you've been here well past your shift time. I'd call that obsessed. Now, I've been gracious enough to let you look at these old documents against my better judgment."

Amy giggled.

Patricia cocked an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

"Oh, nothing," said Amy as she selected a smaller book from the top of a neat stack of old documents whose pages were yellowed with age. She cradled the book to her chest with one arm, her other holding a tote bag that she slung over her shoulder. "I'll see you Monday." She started for the door.

Patricia frowned and stepped in front of her. "Wait a minute."

Amy blinked innocently and smiled. "Yes?"

"What's that book you're holding?"

Amy glanced down at the book, a medieval relic on witchcraft. "Oh, just some reading I wanted to take home with me."

Patricia folded her arms. "You know you can't take stuff out of the museum. It's against the rules."

"Oh, but I really need to take this home with me, Ms. Tanner."

"No, you need to leave it right here."

"But I really need it."

"You do not need it, Amy."

"Oh, but I really do."

"Amy, you do not. You need to leave it here."

"Ms. Tanner, I need to leave it here."

"Amy, for the last time, you need to take the book home!"

Amy smiled. "I'm glad we were able to reach an agreement. See you Monday."

Patricia nodded and smiled, watching Amy head out of the room and down the hall with the book. Wait, with the book? Why, yes, that was what Patricia had wanted all along. She was glad Amy had seen reason in the end.

Amy burst out giggling as she walked out of the museum and into the cool night air. I did it! I did it! she exulted in her mind. I understand how even the oddest nuances of pony magic work! I'm almost ready!

Her heart thumped as she drove from the museum with the book sitting in the passenger's seat. She wished she could cast the transformation spell as soon as she got home, but she needed just a little more preparation, hence the need for the relic from the museum. Not to mention she would want a whole day to get used to her new form and learn how to channel her new power.

Amy felt as giddy as a schoolgirl on prom night as she pulled up to her house. She ran up to the front door, threw it open ...

"About damn time you got home, sis. When's dinner? I'm starved."

... and her mood promptly crashed and burned like the aforementioned schoolgirl being stood up at said prom.

She stared at the lanky form that was her younger brother Brad as he lounged on the sofa in the middle of a beer can and potato chip crumb infested hive of chaos where a neat and tidy living room once was. Such a mess was more appropriate for a college dorm room, which was where Amy had last seen him.

"Wh-what ... what are you doing here?!" Amy cried.

"Hey, tone it down, I'm trying to watch the game," Brad said, gesturing at the football game on the TV.

"I don't care what you're trying to do! Why are you doing it in my living room?!"

Brad smirked and ran a hand through his disheveled blond hair. "Oh, yeah, that. Gotta crash here for a bit til I find another place to stay."

"And just what is wrong with your dorm room?"

"Heh, turns out, they don't want me staying there if I've dropped outta school."

Amy's book fell from her limp fingers. "What?? Why?!"

"Guess I failed too many tests," Brad said with a short laugh.

Amy clenched her teeth. "You can't stay here."

"What, you gonna toss out your brother? Your own flesh and blood?"

"You don't understand! I ... I have something really important I need to do, and I can't have you here when I do it."

Brad snorted. "You? The wallflower? What could you possibly have to do other than bury your nose in another book?"

Amy gave him an indignant look. "I will have you know that--"

Brad raised an eyebrow as his gaze dropped to the floor at Amy's feet. "Speaking of books, what's that?"

Amy gasped and snatched up the book, hugging it to her chest, but not before Brad had seen the pentagram on the cover. "None of your business."

Brad rolled his eyes. "Christ-on-a-pony, are you still into that weird occult shit?"

"I don't have to answer to you."

"You're gonna turn out to be as batty as Mom."

"Don't say that," Amy snarled. "Don't ever say that about my mother."

"Hey, she's my mother, too."

"Don't remind me."

Brad shrugged. "Anyway, what about dinner?"

Amy frowned. "Like I'm going to cook for you."

"Fine, then let's order out. I could go for some pepperoni pizza."

Amy narrowed her eyes and marched through the living room. "Then go order it. None for me."

"Huh? You love pepperoni pizza."

"Not anymore. I'm vegetarian."

Brad frowned. "When the hell did that happen?"

Amy whirled around at the base of the stairs. "When I discovered what my true calling is, what I am destined to be. It is in preparation for when I transcend this limited form so that I may tap more fully into the great pool of mystic energy of which I have only taken the barest sips until now."

Brad made fake gagging noises. "Fuck, Amy, you sound as batshit insane as Mom was before she was committed."

Amy set her eyes hard. "I don't expect you to understand," she said before turning on her heel and marching up the stairs.

She rushed into her bedroom and slammed the door, leaning against it and letting out a frustrated sigh. She stepped over to her desk and set the book down, raising her eyes to the large, faded poster taped to the wall above. In the poster, a woman stood clad in a robe and pointed hat of deep blue covered in arcane symbols. One arm was raised in a flourish, her hand trailing sparks, a smug smile on her face. Below the picture were the words: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TINA.

Amy sighed wistfully. "Don't listen to him, Mom. You just didn't discover the secret, that's all. But I did. I found it."

Well, "found" in a relative sense. She had needed to look only as far as the end of her bed, which was where the "secret" had fallen after appearing in a flash of light somewhere near her ceiling several years ago (her mattress preventing a jarring thud due to its fall from a height).

Amy smiled and glanced towards the door. Panting softly in anticipation, she reached under the bed and slid the instrument of her rebirth out, its appearance a pleasure that would be rivaled only when she could at last consummate this relationship begun when it had first appeared in her midst. She slid her hands in a gentle caress across the inlaid gold of the title: Totally Tantalizing and Titillating Transformations.

The door behind her suddenly opened. "Hey, you got money to pay for the pizza?"

Amy gasped, thrusting the book back under the bed. She leapt to her feet and whirled around. "Get out of my bedroom!"

Brad smirked. "Hey, relax. I'm not gonna look at your secret stash of sex toys."

Amy blushed. "I do not have--!"

"So will you pay, or what?"

Amy narrowed her eyes. "Yes, I will. Now go away."

"Hey, um, this thing you gotta do," said Brad, scratching the back of his neck. "You're not gonna do something weird like a séance or something, huh?"

"It is most definitely not a séance."

"Good, 'cuz I kinda invited my girlfriend over tomorrow."

"You did what??"

"And I really don't want her having to hear you doing weird chants or something like that."

"Brad, how could you do this?!"

"Don't worry, if we start making out, we'll keep it down."

"You cannot do this in my house. I--"

"See ya later!" Brad retreated and closed the door.

"--forbid it! UGH!!"

Amy clenched her hands into fists and fell onto the edge of her bed.

She closed her eyes. "All right, calm down, Amy. Don't let this deter you. You can still do this. Just don't let yourself be distracted. Then you can turn Brad into a newt, just like Mom did once."

Or so her mother had claimed. Unfortunately, Brad had gotten better by the time Amy had a chance to see for herself.

Amy took a deep breath and pulled the book from the museum into her lap. While she had understood the basic language of the transformation book, the arcana contained within was far more complex. She was the most recent in a long line of witches, magicians, and conjurers, but this magic was advanced enough to require extensive research.

It had paid off. The bit of bamboozlement she had done on Ms. Tanner was from an obscure branch of reality-warping abilities that was part of what the book referred to as "earth pony magic." Very few of these "earth ponies" were graced with such abilities. Since she had been able to tap into it, she felt this meant she was worthy of the book and capable of the spells contained within.

The book from the museum represented the final link. It would enable her to start casting the actual transformation spells upon herself. Then she would be fully open to the "pony magic" and almost nothing would be beyond her grasp.

Amy was so excited that she could barely sleep that night (well, that and her brother's snoring was enough to wake the dead). Early the next morning, she crept out of her bedroom, careful not to disturb her slumbering brother. With luck, he would stay in bed until at least ten or eleven like he always had on weekends when he still lived at home. She made herself a cup of tea to brace herself before returning to her room.

Her heart pounded, her hands trembling as she withdrew the transformation book and placed it atop the bed. She opened the book to the page she had bookmarked and smiled. She took a deep breath and stood. She opened herself fully to the Earth's magical energies, feeling them tingle and buzz inside her. She pushed her glasses up her nose and gazed down at the book.

She giggled, her eyes twinkling. She had waited for this moment for years ever since she had been gifted with this book. She was sure she had been smiled on by the divine. What else would explain why the book was written in perfectly legible English? Or why its magic was compatible with Earth magic? Surely this could not be some mere contrivance or coincidence!

The spell she was about to cast had no means for her to choose what kind of pony she would become. It instead performed the transformation based on the innate abilities and personality of the one to be transformed. She was not worried. With as great and powerful a magical pedigree as she had, why would it not make her a unicorn? Really, the only question was what her cutie mark would look like.

"All right," Amy said in a breathless voice. "I'm ready."

She started the incantation, pronouncing each word carefully but with enthusiasm. Her heart raced as power surged through her body, her voice rising in equal measure with her growing delight. When she reached the end of the spell, the last words were shouted with enough force to shake the walls.

Light exploded and thunder boomed, and Amy was thrown hard against the door, knocking her glasses askew. For a few moments, she swam in the twilight waters of unconsciousness before finally climbing upon familiar shores of perception, the room spinning around her head a few times before growing still.

Amy blinked rapidly. She raised a hand before her face and uttered a loud gasp, her eyes growing wide, for her hand ...

... was still a hand.

"W-what??" Amy cried. She looked at her other hand, which was also still a hand. Feet were still feet. She felt the crown of head and felt nothing more than her disheveled hair. "No. No! What went wrong?! I had the spell perfect! Why am I not a pony?!"

"Mmrgh ... huh?"

Brad's eyes flickered open just as the rumbling stopped. He frowned and lifted his head, squinting at the clock. He groaned at how early it was and let his head fall against the pillow. He winced when he heard his sister shout something from her bedroom.

"Ugh, keep it down, sis!" Brad called out. "Some people are tryin' to sleep."

Brad closed his eyes, but less than a minute later, his face scrunched up, and he opened them again. He felt weird. His limbs seemed to lay at odd angles, and he couldn't feel his hands or feet.

He grumbled and turned over, thinking he had just slept on something wrong, but that only compounded the weirdness. The pair of briefs he had worn to bed felt loose, like the elastic band had failed. His attempt to pull them up compounded the weirdness again with interest. All he felt was a hard, rounded something slide across his skin.

"What the hell?" Brad murmured, now rising to full wakefulness but still short full understanding. He tried to fiddle with his briefs again, gave up, and rolled out of bed so he could adjust them properly.

As he slid over the side, the briefs slipped further down, entangling his legs. He let out a startled yell as he fell, crashing to the floor on his face like a drunken horse. He gasped to recover the wind that had been knocked out of him.

He planted a hand against the floor and blinked when he heard a very odd clopping noise. The oddness was doubled when he heard it again with his other hand. He muttered a curse when he felt his legs entangled by his briefs. He kicked them off in his hurry to right himself.

He rose. Sort of. He seemed to be half-risen. His attempts to correct this state of affairs were ignored by his body, which insisted there was no more rising to be done. Was he not still on all fours? Brad looked down to confirm this was indeed the case.

Except he was not expecting to see the kind of fours he was on.

"Wha--?!"

He raised a trembling hand to his face, but unlike his sister just moments ago, his gaze instead fell upon a hoof attached to a sea-green leg.

"What the fuck?!" Brad cried. He tried to move and almost fell on his face again, his body appearing to continue to adhere to the earlier unexpectedly apt analogy concerning inebriated equines. He looked behind him and saw a tail trailing from his butt, colored bright peach.

"What happened? ... Wh-why ... why am I a pony?!"

Amy sat on her bed, the transformation book in her lap, her eyes wild. She curled her fingers into her hair. "I had it right. I know I had it right. Why didn't it work?!" She yanked the museum book from her night table and flipped through it. "All I needed was how to direct the magic. Direct it up and into me, then ... um ..." She stared down at the book and face-palmed. "Amy, you idiot."

She had everything right except the direction. She had the enactor phrase wrong. One syllable had been out of place.

"Okay, all I need to do is repeat the spell and use the correct enactor." She lifted her head and looked around in puzzlement. "But if that means the spell did work, then where did it get directed to?"

"AAAAAAAMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!"

"Gah! What?!" Amy cried, her head jerking to the side so fast that her glasses almost flew from her face. She rolled her eyes. "Not now, Brad!"

"Get in here, quick!"

"Rrrgh! I'm busy!"

"I need your help, Amy, PLEASE!!"

Amy tossed the museum book to the side and slammed the transformation book shut before hopping off the bed and throwing open the door. "Brad, I swear to the goddess, this had better be nothing short of your bed being on fire!"

She marched down the hallway and threw open the door to the guest bedroom.

"Now what were you ... shouting ... a-about ...?" Amy's voice trailed off as her eyes fell on the green-and-peach little earth pony who stood beside the bed, a pair of discarded briefs near his hindquarters. "Brad??"

"Y-you're seeing this, right?!" the pony spoke with Brad's normal voice (adjusting for abject panic, that is). "I'm not hallucinating? I'm not crazy?!"

Amy's eyes filled with tears ...

"I know! This is terrible! I have no idea how this--!"

... and she burst out laughing.

Brad looked on in wide-eyed confusion as his sister clutched her sides and leaned against the door frame.

"Oh, g-goddess," Amy struggled to speak amidst peals of mirth. "Oh, my ..."

"You're laughing at this?!" Brad cried.

"I-I can't help it ... your ... y-your cutie mark ..."

Brad blinked. "My what?!"

"On your flank."

"Flank?? What are you--?"

"On your butt, you dork!"

Brad looked at Amy as if she had grown a third eye -- which was sounding a lot better than being a little pony -- and turned his head. His eyes widened as he spotted a detail he had not noticed about his morphed body. He had a tattoo on his rear, that of a magnetic compass but with a large crack in the glass.

"I always knew you were aimless in life, Brad, but this just proves it," said Amy, setting her off again in gales of laughter.

Brad stomped a hoof. "Will you tell me what the fuck is going on?!"

Amy wiped her eyes as she straightened up, her belly aching from her prolonged laughter. "Okay, I'll try to explain this to you, but not in here."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because you've lived in this room for less than a day and it already reeks of beer, chips, and pizza. Come downstairs with me."

Brad sighed. "Fine. Assuming I can even use these stupid hooves. I ... huh?"

When he tried to take a few steps forward, he felt something waggle in the rear that was not his tail. His eyes widened, and he lowered his head, peeking between his forelegs. "Gaaah!" He backed up and rammed his butt into the side of the bed.

Amy rolled her eyes. "What's your problem now?"

"I am not moving from this spot until you find something for me to wear!" Brad cried.

"Huh? Why?"

"I'm naked!"

Amy sighed. "Brad, you're a freaking pony. You don't need clothing."

"Yes, I do! At least on my rear!"

Amy looked askance at him. "Why?"

Brad blushed. "Because I may be a pony but ... I still have ... um, bits."

"Bits? What bits?"

"You know perfectly well what bits I'm talking about!"

"I have no clue."

Brad paused. "Boy bits," he said in a low voice.

Amy snorted, then started laughing again.

"This is not funny!" Brad cried.

"Dude, if you think I'm going to be impressed by your manly stallion bits--"

"You're my sister! You shouldn't be seeing my bits, period!"

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Amy cried. "Your tail will hide them. I really don't have the patience for your crap now, Brad."

Brad's eyes widened. "You don't have the patience? I'm the one who's the pony here!"

Amy smirked. "Yes, I know. And until you learn how to use those 'stupid hooves' as you put it, you're dependent on me. So unless you want me to just lock you in here, you'll do what I say and stop screwing around. You got it?"

Brad clenched his teeth -- which for an earth pony made an impressive grinding noise -- before he hung his head and sighed. "Fine, whatever."

Amy grinned. "Now, come along." She giggled. "My little pony."

Brad frowned and made a very horse-like snorting sound as he clopped along behind her.

Five universes over -- four if one takes the hyperspace bypass -- inside the Castle of Friendship, Princess Twilight Sparkle was suddenly roused from a sound sleep with a gasp, her heart pounding. She knew something was ahoof, as there was no mistaking the sensation that now filled her with a sense of dread.

Her alicorn senses were tingling.

Chapter 3 - Alicorns Take Action, And Luna Goes Bananas

Spike rubbed his eyes and yawned as he trudged into the Cutie Map room, where Twilight was pacing. "I don't see why my sleep needs to be disturbed by your insomnia," he muttered.

"Spike, something terrible has happened!" Twilight cried.

Spike raised an eyebrow and glanced at the table which normally held the Cutie Map. It remained quiescent. "And this couldn't wait til morning because?"

"Because the longer we wait to act, the greater the potential damage will be!"

"What kind of damage are we talking about?"

"Monumental! Colossal! World-ending!"

Spike folded his claws and glanced about. "Huh. Must be the most quiet and organized armageddon in history," he muttered.

"Not this world, Spike, another world."

"And you can tell this ... how?"

"Because I am intimately connected to the event that precipitated this crisis."

Spike snorted at the word "intimately" and smirked.

Twilight stopped pacing and frowned at him. "And so are you!"

Spike blinked. "Huh??"

Twilight stepped up to Spike. "You are just as much to blame for this as I am."

Spike's eyes widened. "I-I am? How?"

"Because your actions caused this mess, and now I have to clean it up. You need to understand how disastrous this will be everypony involved and well beyond. You were very naughty and now it is coming back to haunt you at last."

Spike gulped. "Okay! Okay! You caught me! I'm sorry!"

Twilight tilted her head. "What?"

"Jeez, Twilight, I know it was bad, but you didn't have to make it sound like the literal end of the world."

Twilight paused. "Are we talking about the same thing?"

Spike paused, his eyes shifting as he fidgeted. "Um ... isn't this about the hidden camera and the pics of Rarity that accidentally got out on magicnet?"

Twilight's eyes widened. "What?!"

"Nothing!" Spike said, smiling nervously. "Forget I said anything!"

Twilight frowned. "We'll discuss that later. What I am talking about is that book on transformation magic. Remember?"

Spike scratched his head.

"The one with spells that could turn other creatures into ponies?"

Spike gave Twilight a confused look.

"The one that had other spells to modify existing ponies?"

Spike shrugged and shook his head.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "The one you teased me about because of the names of Celestia's guards and, uh, measurements on the bookmark?"

"Oh, that one!" Spike said with a smile.

"This is nothing to smile about, Spike," Twilight said. "Somehow, that book not only survived the journey to another world, somepony has figured out how to use it. I sensed a spell from the book being cast."

"How did you manage that?"

"Because when I had first received the book, I had cast a spell on it as a precaution in case somepony did use it. I had not expected to be able to sense it from outside Equestria, but at the time I had not anticipated becoming an alicorn. My ability to sense it must have increased with my ascension."

Spike looked thoughtful. "So, do you know where the book is?"

"Roughly," said Twilight. "But in order to retrieve the book, I will need to open a portal to that location. That's too much for me to do alone." She took a deep breath. "I need to call in the other alicorns."

Spike's eyes widened. "Wow, you mean both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?"

"And Princess Cadance," said Twilight. "Fortunately she happens to be in Canterlot for an economic summit on banana imports."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Well, that was convenient for the plot."

"What?"

"Nothing! So when do you leave?"

"We leave right now," said Twilight.

"Wait, what??" Spike cried as he was magicked onto Twilight's back. "Why do I have to come along?"

Twilight extended her wings. "So you can tell me all about this little incident concerning the pictures of Rarity."

"Only if you don't fly too close to the dragon orphanage!"

"No promises, Spike," Twilight said as she took off.

Princess Celestia uttered a sigh as she slowly paced in her throne room. "Twilight, you were right in coming to us with this rather critical matter. Of course we will be happy to assist."

"Yes, it is most important we help you retrieve this book," said Princess Luna.

Princess Cadance smiled gently as she stepped up to Twilight. "And it is good to see you again, Twilight."

"I am really sorry you're going to have to miss some of that summit," said Twilight.

Cadance shook her head. "Don't be. To be honest, it is dreadfully boring. If I have to hear the word 'banana' again, I am sure I will go insane."

Celestia turned towards the others. "It is hoped that this disruption will be noted by somedragon so that he does not precipitate such a crisis again."

"Hey, I wasn't the one who had the book in the first place!" Spike said.

Celestia paused and turned her gaze towards her former student. "I must say, Twilight, I am a bit surprised to hear that you had this rather powerful book on forbidden magic."

Twilight swallowed. "Ah, well--"

"And even more so when you did not report the loss of said book to me."

Spike smirked. "You mean other than she would have freaked out that you'd throw her in the dungeon?"

"Spike!" Twilight cried. Her lips twitched into a smile as she gazed at Celestia. "Heh-heh, that Spike, always a kidder. I mean ... he is, right? You wouldn't have really done that to me?"

"Of course not, Twilight," said Celestia. "I would never have done that to my faithful student."

"The dungeons were closed for maintenance at the time due to smoke damage from the dragon orphanage that had burned down," said Luna. "But I'm sure that's beside the point."

Celestia stepped up to Twilight. "But I feel I must know what it was about that book that fascinated you so much."

Twilight's eyes widened.

"I do admit to a little curiosity myself," said Cadance. "Why are you blushing, Twilight?"

"No reason!" Twilight cried. "Certainly nothing to do with the book!"

"Twilight, I know I am not your teacher anymore, and you are effectively a peer," said Celestia. "But I insist on knowing what fascinated you about the book. Certainly you had no interest in turning other creatures into ponies."

"Of course not!" Twilight said.

"Then I am struggling to understand what drove your interest in the book."

"You appear to be blushing harder now, Twilight," said Luna.

Cadance's eyes widened. "W-wait, this isn't about--?"

"Bananas?" Luna suggested with a small grin.

Cadance narrowed her eyes. "Not funny."

Twilight glanced about in the vain hope that Queen Chrysalis had decided to invade again so the changeling queen could use her magic to make Twilight sink through the floor. When this appeared not to be happening anytime soon, she sighed and lowered her head. "I suppose nopony would believe me if I said I kept it for academic reasons."

"You forget, I can see into your dreams," said Luna.

"Any dreams I had about it were not nightmares."

"I can most assuredly attest to that."

"I thought you were the Mistress of the Night," Twilight muttered. "Not the Voyeur of the Night."

"Please," Celestia said. "Let us not bicker over this. Twilight, what is it you found fascinating about the book?"

Twilight raised her head. "Um ... o-okay ... well ... there are spells in the book that operate on existing ponies. Stallions, specifically."

"Oh, dear," Cadance murmured.

"There are spells to change a stallion's ... well, bits."

Celestia paused. "Bits?"

"Yes, bits."

"Why would you want to do that?"

Cadance stared, wide-eyed.

Twilight blinked. "Um, you do know what bits I mean, right?"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Twilight, I know perfectly well what bits are."

"Then you know they can be changed."

"I don't see how, they're pretty stable."

Luna turned to her. "Um, sister ..."

"So my economic advisors tell me."

Twilight face-hoofed. Spike was barely containing his laughter. Cadance looked as if she wished she were back in the Crystal Empire.

Celestia tilted her head. "Unless you mean these spells can cause inflation?"

"Well, of a sort," said Luna.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Cadance exclaimed. "Not money bits!"

Celestia blinked. "I am afraid I am most confused now."

Luna stepped forward. "Oh, very well." She leaned in and whispered in her sister's ear.

Celestia's eyes widened, and a red glow touched her cheeks. "Luna! H-how did you ever learn about such ... naughty magic??"

"When you've been banished to the moon for a thousand years, you have to find something to do to pass the time."

Cadance shuddered and closed her eyes. "I'm going to my happy place right now and pretend this whole discussion never happened."

"Now that we have finished thoroughly embarrassing me," Twilight declared. "Can we please get back to the crisis at hoof?"

"I agree," said Celestia. "Opening a portal is dangerous even in the best of circumstances, Twilight. Are you absolutely sure you can provide enough information to properly target one?"

"That is a problem I realized on my way over here. I will need to wait until there is a second discharge of magic from that book before we can target it with any precision. But we could at least start the process."

"So does that mean there will be two ponies that need to be converted back to whatever they were before?" asked Spike.

"Quite possibly, yes."

"Unless," said Luna. "This unknown mage used the other spells in the book."

Twilight blushed faintly again. "Do we have to come back to that?"

"I feel it is a possibility we should consider."

"Why? Those other spells work only on somepony who is already a pony."

"And we can assume at this point that there is at least one magically-generated pony," said Luna. "Therefore, any further magical discharges may be the result of the other spells being used on this pony."

"Then I will simply reverse those effects as well," Twilight said.

"That might be awkward," said Luna.

"What? How??"

"What if said stallion parts were in use at the time?"

Twilight just stared.

"It would be like ordering a banana and ice cream desert and suddenly the banana seemed a lot smaller after it was served. Quite a disappointing situation."

"I just want to get that book back and fix whatever was done with it!" Twilight cried. "I don't care what parts, bits, or bananas are in use!"

"Will you two please stop talking about bananas?!" Cadance cried. "I swear I'm going to see them in my dreams at this rate!"

Celestia stepped forward. "I am bringing an end to this pointless -- and frankly disturbing -- debate. Myself, Luna, and Cadance will combine our powers and begin forging the portal."

"Thank you," Twilight said with relief, gesturing towards Spike with a hoof. As the dragonling jogged over to her, she said, "In the meantime, I will be waiting to sense another magic discharge, and we will use that to set the final location of the portal. While I'm waiting, I think I need to wind down a bit."

"Would you like my servants to bring you some tea?" Celestia asked.

Twilight would have much preferred something a little stronger, perhaps some Smoky Mountain Moonshine Whiskey, rumored to be just one step down from a direct alcohol IV drip. She instead sighed and nodded. "That would be lovely, thank you."

The princesses -- minus Twilight for the moment -- later gathered in another room in Canterlot castle. Celestia lifted her head, the glow from her horn fading. Upon the stone floor, a circle of magical runes glowed softly. "I have laid the basic foundation of the portal," said Celestia. "If you both would kindly augment it?"

Luna and Cadance in turn infused their own energies into the same runes, their glow doubling, then tripling. A vortex spun within, rising up towards the ceiling and forming the start of a quantum-tunneled, hyperdimensional condu-whatsit through the spacetime meta-something ... well, you get the idea.

"Very good," said Celestia. "We now need only wait for Twilight's arrival. She can infuse the last of the needed energy while she is targeting the other end of the portal."

"I do hope it is soon," said Cadance. "I must admit, I am a little shocked to find Twilight had such an interest in this particular, um, brand of magic."

"I see nothing wrong with it," said Luna. "She is a grown mare, after all. She is simply indulging in a little healthy fantasy."

"But I do hope her life is not all fantasy," said Celestia.

Luna smiled. "Yes, I would hope she can engage in the real thing now and then."

Celestia's eyes widened. "I-I didn't quite mean that!"

"Oh, but I did."

"You would," Cadance muttered.

"Not all of us have a nice stallion at her beck and call," said Luna with a grin.

"Oh, he is not at my beck and call! At least ... not in that way."

"Do I detect a bit of disappointment in your voice?"

Cadance's eyes widened. "Most certainly not!"

Celestia sighed. "Luna, really, what has gotten into you?"

"Perhaps I find the situation a little more amusing than the rest of you," said Luna.

"But not at the expense of embarrassing Twilight. Or Cadance, for that matter."

"I suppose you are right, Tia." She turned to Cadance. "I am sorry if I made you feel awkward, Cadance. It was not my intent."

Cadance nodded. "It's fine."

"I also apologize for my earlier gratuitous use of the word 'banana'."

Cadance sighed and waved a hoof. "No, it's all right. I guess I was a little too sensitive. It doesn't help that Shining Armor was pestering me before I left about bringing back some bananas for him."

"Does he not have a good banana of his own?"

"Oh, well, yes, he can get bananas whenever he wants. It's just that, well, he's not very impressed with them."

The doors glowed lavender and opened, and Twilight trotted inside, followed by Spike.

"So you're saying Shining Armor would prefer to have a larger banana?" said Luna.

"I guess you could say that."

Twilight stopped and blinked.

"Does he at least have a tasty banana?"

"Well, all the bananas in the Crystal Empire are tasty."

Twilight's jaw dropped.

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Really, now?"

"Well, yes. I actually do like bananas myself."

"So, naturally, you would be keen on Shining Armor having a larger banana if--"

"I don't want to hear about my brother's banana!" Twilight shrieked.

Dead silence fell as all three princesses stared at her. Spike held his claws over his mouth, his sides trembling.

"Oh," Twilight said in a small voice. "You were talking about fruit, weren't you?"

Cadance narrowed her eyes at Luna. "Well, I certainly was."

Luna smiled. "Whatever else would I be talking about?"

"I don't care anymore, just stop it," Cadance said. "No more bananas of any kind."

"Very well." Luna paused. "Cucumbers, perhaps?"

Spike fell over laughing.

"Urgh," Twilight growled as she trotted up to the circle.

Celestia stepped forward. "Have you sensed another use of the spell book?"

"Yes, I felt the surge of a second spell being cast, and I am presently working out the last of the targeting calculations in my head," said Twilight. "Though I am at a loss as to how I will communicate my desire for the book to the inhabitants of this other world."

Spike picked himself up, his voice still bubbling with mirth as he spoke. "How about just by talking to them?"

"Spike, they likely don't even speak the same language!"

"Then how did they manage to read the spell book?"

"I don't know. Maybe the one who found the book is an unimaginably powerful mage in their world. Or super-intelligent. Or both!"

"Or they could just happen to have the same language and similar magic systems," said Spike.

Twilight sighed. "I told you years ago, Spike, that has as much chance of happening as--"

"--as that magic mirror in the Crystal Empire?"

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "Shut up."

Celestia stepped forward. "Perhaps we should discuss the disposition of the book once it is returned."

"What?" said Twilight. "I thought that I would ... um ... well ... just ... k-keep it?"

"For purely academic reasons, of course," said Spike in her defense (mostly).

"Yes, exactly!"

Celestia exchanged a look with the other princesses.

"It will be perfectly safe in my castle," Twilight said. "Nopony will be able to just walk in and take it."

"Right!" Spike said. "Nopony has ever been able to stroll in unannounced! Oh, well, Twilight's friends do all the time, though. Heh, actually so does everypony in Ponyville."

"Spike?"

"And Starlight Glimmer was able to just stroll right inside, too."

Twilight gave Celestia a smile, one eye twitching. "Spike?" she growled through her teeth.

"Oh, but she didn't take any books! Well, she did waltz up to the Cutie Map and use it to help open a portal to the past to mess with the timeline and--"

"Spike!" Twilight cried whirling around. "You're not helping!"

Spike spread his claws. "What?"

"I don't intend to leave it out in any old bookshelf. I'm going to secure it properly. But never mind that, I have completed the final calculations and can pinpoint the portal now."

Celestia smiled. "Very good, Twilight. Please, impart your energies into the circle."

"Yes, it needs just that much more amount of thrust from your horn to properly consummate the spell," said Luna.

"And I am sure I speak for everypony when I say that the sooner we can get this over with, the better."

"At least before we run out phallic jokes," Spike murmured.

Celestia turned. "I'm sorry, what was that, Spike?"

"Nothing!"

Twilight stepped forward and lowered her head, her horn glowing. The energies of the circle surged outward and then upward, brightening and thrumming. With a final powerful, well, thrust, it fully opened the hypermetaquantumdimensionalwhosiwhatsit to whatever world lay beyond. She lifted her head and took a deep breath. "All right. I'm ready."

"Good luck to you, Twilight," said Celestia.

"Yeah, good luck!" Spike cried, waving a claw. "Don't forget to write! See you la -- whoa!"

Spike was surrounded by a lavender glow and pulled into the circle behind Twilight. He frowned and folded his arms as he stood beside her.

"Ready, Spike?" said Twilight.

"Not really, but that never stopped us before," said Spike.

Twilight lifted her head, her horn glowing. Both her and Spike vanished in a flash of magic.

Luna turned to the others. "So, while we await her return, who's up for a rousing game of Truth or Dare?"

Chapter 4 - Sexy Wings and Evil Monologues (and, oh yeah, Twilight shows up)

A very green-faced Brad -- well, more green than his pony fur, anyway -- galloped into the downstairs bathroom, leaving behind his partially consumed breakfast of cold pepperoni pizza in the kitchen, and proceeded to retch loudly into the toilet. Amy rolled her eyes from where she was seated cross-legged on the sofa as she looked up from the transformation spell book open in her lap. "I told you, ponies don't eat meat, you nitwit!"

The handle rattled and Brad cursed before both were finally drowned out by flushing. "I hate being a pony!"

"And I hate hearing you complain about it, so we're even."

Brad emerged from the bathroom, looking less green -- to the limits of his normal greenness -- and frowned. "I can't believe you want to turn yourself into this."

Amy dropped her gaze into the book. "I am expecting to turn myself into a unicorn."

Brad rolled his eyes as he trotted forward. "Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense."

"It's so I can wield more powerful magic."

"The only magic I want you to wield is something to change me back."

"Yeah, well, that will have to wait."

"Huh? Why??"

Amy looked up. "Well, ah ... heh ... I don't actually have a spell to change you back."

Brad's eyes widened. "You what?!"

"These spells only change people into ponies, not the other way around."

"But you've only been looking at the first part of that book," said Brad. "What about the rest of it?"

"Oh, um, well, those are different kind of spells that do things to existing ponies."

Brad raised an eyebrow. "What sort of things?"

"Nothing you would be interested in," said Amy quickly.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"But maybe there's a spell that would make it easier to use these dumb hooves."

"Trust me, there is nothing hoof-related about those spells."

"Then what about something to make me bigger?"

Amy snorted.

"What's so funny?" Brad demanded. "I just don't like being this small."

Amy giggled.

"I mean, what would my girlfriend say if she saw how tiny I was?"

Amy laughed.

Brad stomped his hoof. "You're not helping!"

"I'm sorry, Brad, but the fact of the matter is, there are no spells in this book that can help change you back."

"Then that's the stupidest spell book ever written," Brad declared. "You sure Mom didn't write it?"

Amy frowned. "Listen, pony-boy, if you don't want me turning you over to the glue factory, you'll treat your sister with a little more respect."

"Oh, yes, of course! Yes, all bow to the sorceress who can't even shoot her spells straight! I'm real impressed! I ... um ... uh-oh ..."

Amy had risen from the sofa and loomed over him. "You're going to stop nagging me and let me concentrate."

Brad gulped and backed away. "B-but you just said there are no spells to--"

"Have you been listening? I'm going to become a unicorn. Once I am, I will become powerful enough to change you back. But there's every possibility that if I am too distracted when I cast the spell I might not become a unicorn. Then you'll be a pony for the rest of your life."

Amy did not truly believe she would be anything but a unicorn, but it had the desired effect on her brother. He looked up at her with shimmering eyes reminiscent of the day years ago when Amy had threatened to reveal to their mother his stash of porn magazines if he didn't quit teasing her.

"Do we understand each other now?" Amy said with a satisfied smile.

"Y-yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Amy."

"And?"

Brad blinked. "Huh?"

"Use my full title! Like Mom!"

Brad's eyes widened. "You're not really gonna make me call you ...?"

Amy simply smiled.

Brad sighed. "Fine. Yes ... oh Great and Powerful Amy."

Amy giggled. "The Great and Powerful Amy accepts your proper show of respect."

A knock sounded at the door.

"Oh, shit, that's gotta be my girlfriend!" Brad whisper-shouted. "She can't see me like this!"

"You go hide out in the downstairs office," Amy said. "And I'll take care of everything."

Brad gave her a wary look. "What are you going to do?"

"Don't worry, Brad. The Great and Powerful Amy knows what she's doing ..."

Another knock sounded, more insistent this time, just as Amy jogged up to the door and opened it. On the front porch stood a young woman with long, wavy red hair, her body poured into blue jeans and a pink spandex top. The hand she had used to knock on the door was still raised. She smiled and dropped it to her side. "Oh, hey there!" she said in a bright voice. "You must be Amy, huh? Brad told me he was crashing at his sister's place."

Amy smiled, looking over the young woman for a moment, as if assessing her. "Yes, he arrived rather unexpectedly yesterday."

The woman giggled and stepped past Amy and into the house, glancing around. "Yeah, he said you'd be a total peach about letting him stay for awhile."

"Did he, now?"

"Yep. So where is he?"

Amy closed the door. "He's temporarily indisposed. He had a little trouble keeping his breakfast down."

The young woman raised an eyebrow and placed her hands on her hips. "Oh, he better not be getting sick."

"Well, he is a little horse at the moment." Amy giggled. "Okay, that was bad."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Inside joke. In either case, he's not quite himself this morning."

The woman rolled her eyes. "O-kay, I am definitely not getting whatever he's got. He may have to forget about any bedroom action, if you know what I mean." She tilted her head, her eyes flicking over Amy. "Um, you do know what I mean by that, right?"

"You mean sex?" said Amy. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Brad said you, well, don't get out much."

"My, but he does seem to go on about me, doesn't he?" Amy said. "Your name, honey?"

"Oh, it's Heather." She strolled over to the sofa and sat down. "And, um, don't call me honey, 'kay? So, is he gonna be long?"

"What's your hurry?" Amy sat down next to her. She placed a hand over the transformation spell book. "We can get to know each other a bit better while we wait."

Heather forced a smile. "If it's all the same to you, sugar, I'd--"

"So do you know each other from college?"

Heather sighed. "Uhhh, yeah, I guess you could say that."

"You attend -- well, used to attend, I suppose, in his case -- the same classes together?"

"Oh, no, I don't go to college." Heather giggled. "In fact, he had to sneak me into the dorms anytime we wanted to fuck."

"And they didn't catch on?"

"Well, I guess they did once he started missing too much class."

"He said they booted him out because he failed so many classes."

Heather grinned. "Well, yeah, I guess there is that, too."

"And you don't work during the day?" said Amy.

"Oh, I work odd jobs here and there when I start to run low on money and can't beg some off of my parents. I don't like to be bogged down, you know? I like my freedom."

"Given how Brad dropped out of college, it would appear he does as well."

Heather smiled. "Yep! He's a free spirit, just like me. Nothing to tie me down. Sky's the limit sort of thing, you know what I mean?"

"Most definitely."

"You know something? You're not really what I expected."

"Oh?"

Heather nodded. "Yeah, Brad pegged you kinda low on the coolness scale, but I think you're a little higher than that."

"How much higher?"

Heather shrugged. "At least twenty percent, maybe?"

Amy smiled. "You're going to be a pegasus, for sure."

Heather blinked. "Um ... pardon?"

Amy pulled the spell book into her lap. "Oh, nothing. Say, mind if I read you something interesting, Heather?"

Heather raised an eyebrow. "Um, well, if it won't take long."

"It won't," said Amy as she opened the book. "Trust me."

Inside the office, Brad paced until he could no longer stand the sound of his clopping hooves. What was taking Amy so long? All she had to do was make some excuse for him and tell Heather that he'd call her later.

Brad uttered a frustrated snort and stomped a hoof (a gesture which, despite its origin, was rather satisfying in letting off steam), his tail twitching. He was starting to regret ever coming to his sister's house in the first place.

What was Amy saying now? Her voice had gone suddenly weird, more like a chant than ...

He gasped. "She wouldn't ... she couldn't ... she ..."

Suddenly, a familiar voice wailed from the living room, "What did you just do to me?!"

Brad bolted, galloping down the hall as fast as his hooves would take him. He nearly pitched forward onto his muzzle as he skidded to an ungainly stop just inside the living room.

His eyes widened as his gaze fell on the little pony mare with dark blue fur and bright red mane and tail who stood next to the sofa. Clothing several times too big hung from her petite frame, entangling her legs.

"Oh, God," Brad breathed. "H-Heather?"

The mare's pupils shrunk to surprised points. "Brad?? Is that you? How did ... ack, get away from me!" Heather snapped as Amy descended on her. "You've done enough!"

"Stop complaining and stop squirming!" Amy said as she pulled at the loose clothing. "I'm just trying to prevent you from falling on your face."

Brad glared at Amy. "There is no way in hell that was another accident!"

"Of course it wasn't," said Amy with a smirk.

"Y-you ... you admit ... you did this on purpose?!" Brad sputtered.

"You said you didn't want Heather to see you like this. So now you're both ponies. Problem solved!"

"I didn't mean for you to turn her into ... into ..."

"Hey, wait, what are you doing?" Heather cried as the spandex top and bra were pulled away, revealing two feathery appendages at her sides. "You're going to leave me naked?!"

Brad's jaw dropped. "A-a-are those ... wings??"

"Huh? Wings?" Heather turned her head. "I-I have wings? I ... ack!"

Amy had managed to pull the remaining clothing from Heather in her moment of distraction. "In case you haven't noticed, Heather," said Amy with a grin. "Your little pony boyfriend here is naked, too."

Heather's eyes widened. "Oh, um, so he is," she murmured.

"Why did you do this to her?!" Brad cried.

"I told you before, ponies don't need clothing," said Amy.

"I don't mean that! Why did you turn her into a pony in the first place?!"

"Why not?"

"That's no answer!"

Amy giggled. "But just look at how adorable her cutie mark is!"

Brad turned his head and looked at Heather's flank. There he saw an image of a pony in silhouette lounging on a cloud in a blue sky, superimposed on a heart symbol. He had to admit, it did look rather cute. In fact, she looked cute as a pony, especially those wings.

"Um, Brad?" Heather said in a cross voice as she trotted over to him.

Brad tore his eyes from those feathered, lovely, shapely, sexy wings. "Huh? What?"

"When you said the other day you were interested in a little pony-play, I thought you meant kinky sex, not being turned into a pony!"

"I didn't exactly plan this, either!" Brad cried. "Thank my damn sister for that!"

"How the hell did she do it? Can she change us back?"

"Yes. Um ... eventually."

"Eventually?"

"I think."

"You think? That's not what I wanted to hear, Brad!"

Brad frowned. "Don't yell at me! At least you got something cool out of the deal!"

Heather tilted her head. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You at least got wings."

Heather glanced at herself and unfolded them.

Brad smiled and felt oddly flushed. "S-see, they look good on you."

"Oh, um, well, yeah, I guess they do look kind of cool, I ..." She eyed him and refolded her wings. "Wait, you got some sort of secret wing-fetish you didn't tell me about?"

"Huh? No! I didn't mean that!"

"Are you sure?!"

"Positive! I don't do that sort of wing -- I mean thing!"

Amy laughed.

"This is not funny, Amy," Brad said. "Seriously, why did you do this? It's not like you to do something just to be mean."

Amy smiled. "You're right, I did have a reason. You see, once I transform myself into a unicorn, then we'll have one of each type of pony: earth, pegasus, and unicorn. That's what's needed to complete the circle of pony magic."

"Um, Brad?" Heather asked. "What the hell is she talking about?"

"I don't expect you to grasp it," Amy said in a lofty voice. "I realized soon after I started this venture that transforming myself into a unicorn was not going to be enough to achieve my aims. I absolutely need the other two pony types."

Brad stared. "I thought you making me into a pony was an accident!"

Amy giggled. "That really was an accident. I simply took advantage of it."

"I don't understand."

"Join the club," Heather muttered.

Amy giggled. "I had every intention of transforming myself first, getting used to my new form and abilities, and then finding two unsuspecting people to become my earth and pegasus ponies. But after this little accident happened, after I cast the spell with such ease, I realized I was already more powerful than I had ever dreamed I would be. I didn't need to wait."

"Is that why you said that stuff about me being a pegasus before you did this to me?" Heather said.

"Oh, but that's the beauty of it," Amy said with a sly smile. "I don't control what kind of pony results from the spell. But the fact that I could accurately predict what you'd become means I have an even deeper understanding of pony magic than I had dreamed possible!"

Brad trembled. "Y-you have no intention of changing us back, do you?"

Heather gasped. "What??"

"Oh, my little ponies, why would I want to do that?" Amy said with a laugh.

"Wh-what are you going to do with us?" Heather whined.

"You two are going to help me realize an even greater goal, one I had not dreamed I would do anytime soon. It was something that I dared not aspire to for fear of my reach exceeding my grasp. But now, seeing just how Great and Powerful I really am, I intend to do it now and thus accelerate my ultimate plans. You two should be honored to participate in such a momentous event in history. You will have a front row seat for--"

Brad face-hoofed. "For crying out loud, will you please stop monologuing like some cartoon villain and tell us what you want to do?!"

Amy rolled her eyes. "Fine, whatever. I mentioned there are three types of ponies. Well, there's actually a fourth type. A very rare type, a very powerful type, one that embodies the abilities and magic of all the three base types, one that I intend to ultimately transform myself into! A kind of pony called--"

A crack of thunder reverberated through the room, shaking the walls and sending the transformation book sliding from the sofa onto the floor. The air whirled in a vortex, buffeting papers about, and ruffling the hair of human and pony alike. The whirlwind coalesced into a single column of crackling energy just off the end of the sofa, a circle of glowing runes forming on the floor about its periphery.

In a flash of light, two figures suddenly materialized inside the circle. One was a little, purple dragon thing, no bigger than a dog. The other was a pony with lavender fur, and a mane and tail of deep blue streaked with purple and pink, and a red star surrounded by smaller white stars upon her flank. A horn extended from her forehead. Wings lay folded at her sides.

"--an alicorn," said Amy. She sighed. "Well, shit."

Chapter 5 - Saving the Day Through Friendship and Trickery (but mostly Trickery)

"Twilight!" Spike said in a hushed voice as his widening eyes fell upon the human girl. "She recognized you. She called you an alicorn!"

Twilight shook her head. "No, Spike, it has to be a coincidence."

Spike gave her an odd look. The ponies and the human beyond the transport circle also exchanged similar looks. "Wait, what? She's a human, just like in the mirror."

"Then why is she so ... plain-colored? Why doesn't she have the same vibrant hues of the humans at Canterlot High?"

"But I know I heard--"

Twilight shook her head. "No, this is obviously a different universe than the one beyond the mirror, and the chance of a common language is very slim. It's more likely she said some other word or phrase -- maybe 'hello' or 'who are you' -- that just happened to sound like 'alicorn' in our language."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "And her other words?"

"Same thing. Coincidence."

"Uh, Twilight? I know the word 'shit' when I hear it."

Twilight gasped. "Spike! Please! Your language!"

"What? I only said 'shit' because she said 'shit' first!"

Twilight frowned. "Regardless, do you really want one of the first things they hear from an otherworldly emissary to be our curse words?"

Spike frowned and folded his arms. "Well, shit," he muttered.

Twilight sighed, her horn glowing. "Now, be quiet, and let me concentrate so I can craft a translation spell. All I need is for them to speak and--"

"Um, I don't think that will be necessary," said the human girl with a small smile.

Twilight blinked. "W-wait, you can understand me?"

"Yes."

"Then you understood every word I said since I got here?"

The woman smirked. "Yes, this plain-colored human understood everything."

Twilight's eyes shifted to the side. "Well, this is awkward."

Spike's gaze drifted over the room and fell upon the floor near the sofa. His eyes widened, and he pointed. "Twilight, look!"

Twilight turned her head and smiled. "Ah-ha! Exactly what we came here for. This will be easier than I thought."

Her horn glowed, and so did the transformation book. All three creatures in the room gasped as it lifted itself slowly from the floor. "No!" the young woman cried, wrapping her arms around the book and hugging it to her chest. "You can't have the book!"

"I'm sorry, but that book is too dangerous for you to keep," said Twilight, her face becoming strained as the glow from her horn brightened. "And it's not yours to begin with!"

The young woman's arms tightened around the book, and she dug in her heels on the carpet. "You're not taking this book from me!"

"Twilight, what's happening?!" Spike said.

"Erk ... I-I don't know!" Twilight said, her eyes squeezed shut, her horn almost blinding bright. "S-something's wrong. It's like I can't get enough power to pull the book from her! Oh, dear, I have to stop!"

The glow from her horn died, and she panted hard.

The young woman giggled. "I'll tell you what's wrong. I've already become too strong for you. I am, after all, the Great and Powerful Amy!"

"Urgh, not this again," Twilight muttered.

"Do you think she's right?" Spike asked.

"More likely this is some limitation of the portal where I can't project my magic far enough into their world."

The Great and Powerful Amy smiled smugly. "And besides, you already had your turn at it."

Twilight tilted her head. "I beg your pardon?"

"Well, look at you. You're an alicorn. You've already used this book to achieve your glorious plans."

"I did what now?"

"You've already created your own civilization based on pony magic," said Amy as she caressed the book. "You already have countess adoring pony subjects at your beck and call, willing to do whatever you want."

Twilight's pupils abruptly shrank. "I-I don't have anypony at my beck and call!"

Spike smirked. "Definitely not. She was lucky Mayor Mare didn't cite her for raising the Castle of Friendship without a building permit."

Amy hugged the book tighter. "All I am asking for is the same chance to build my own pony empire!"

The earth pony stallion suddenly trotted forward. "That's what you intend to do?!" he cried in a horrified voice. "Are you freaking insane?!"

"O-kay, I officially have no fucking idea what is going on," the pegasus mare said.

The stallion turned his head towards her. "Amy wants to change everyone into ponies so she can play at being some kind of queen over them. Over us! It's the same kind of insanity that got Mom committed. She even started calling herself the Great and Powerful Queen of the World or some shit like that."

"Great," Spike muttered. "This world has two people as nutters as Trixie."

"Unlike Trixie, Amy just may have the power to do what she has planned," Twilight whispered. "It's imperative we get that book from her somehow. We can't let this continue."

"But if you can't project your magic enough--"

"I may be able to find a way to work around that, but I need time."

The stallion suddenly galloped over to them. "Please! Whoever you are, can you change us back?" he cried as the pegasus trotted over behind him. "Then we'll do whatever you want. We'll get the book back from Amy for you!"

"Don't you dare cross me, Brad," Amy declared. "Or you, either, Heather. The Great and Powerful Amy will not be thwarted!"

"To answer your question," said Twilight to the stallion Brad. "It's been a short enough time since your transformation that your bodies still contain the morphic resonance from your original bio-thaumic auras that will allow your physical manifestations to be re-transmogrified into their original non-equinoid state."

The others simply stared at her.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Yes, I can change you back."

"And I will just transform you into ponies again," Amy declared with a sly smile. "I can cast the spell faster now."

"Sh-she's right, Brad," said Heather. "She took maybe all of a few seconds to read that spell when she did this to me."

Brad sighed and lowered his head. "Well, shit."

"They seem to like that word in this universe," Spike said with a smirk.

"All right, everypony," said Twilight. "And, um, everyhuman, we obviously got off on the wrong hoof. If you would all please give me your attention for just a few moments."

Brad turned more fully towards her, his tail swishing once. Behind him, Heather's gaze was drawn to the movement, and her eyes widened.

"Thank you," said Twilight. "Let me begin with some introductions. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is my assistant Spike. While I am technically a Princess, I am most definitely not the ruler of my world, simply an emissary. Now, Amy, if we--"

"The Great and Powerful Amy!" Amy corrected.

Spike rolled his eyes.

Twilight forced a smile. "Yes, my apologies. Great and Powerful Amy, if perhaps we could discuss this matter in a calm and rational fashion, I am sure we can come to an understanding. Otherwise, I fear we will remain at this impasse indefinitely."

Amy sighed. "Oh, very well, but not with these two ponies present."

"Hey, wait a minute!" Brad protested.

"It's okay," said Twilight. "Brad, was it? And Heather?"

Heather blinked and jerked her head up. "Huh, what?? I wasn't staring at his ... er ..."

Twilight tilted her head questioningly.

Heather swallowed. "Never mind. What is it?"

"Would you and Brad kindly leave the room so that I can discuss this matter with, um, the Great and Powerful Amy?"

Brad turned to Heather. "I don't think we have much choice."

"Brad, take her into the office," said Amy. "Don't come out until I tell you." She turned her gaze to Twilight and smiled. "Not until Princess Night Sparkly and I have had our little chat."

"That's Twilight Sparkle," said Twilight as the two ponies left. She leaned over to Spike. "Now I have my chance to do what I do best."

Spike smiled. "You gonna cast some amazing spell at her? Oh, I know! You're gonna trick her into entering the transport circle, take her back to Equestria, and duel her!"

Twilight smiled. "Better. I'm going to lecture her!"

Spike's smile faded. "Oh, yeah. That always works ..."

"I'm really sorry about this, Heather," said Brad as he trotted into the office.

Heather tore her gaze away from Brad's hindquarters. "Oh, um, yeah, no problem."

Brad turned to face her. "Look, we'll get out of this mess somehow. That purple pony said she can change us back. She just needs to talk some sense into Amy." He sighed. "I hope."

"I'm sure it will turn out fine."

Brad raised an eyebrow. "What's with you?"

"Huh?"

"Why aren't you as upset about this as you were before?"

Heather rolled her eyes. "What's the point in getting all worked up about it now?"

Brad stared. "You sure that spell of hers didn't affect your brain?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"This isn't like you. When you get upset about something, you whine about it constantly until it's fixed or something else distracts you."

Heather frowned. "I was not distracted! It's just ... well ..."

"Well, what?"

Heather giggled softly. "I, um, kinda got a look at, well, your ..."

"My what?"

"Your bits."

"What bits??"

"You know perfectly well what bits I'm talking about."

Brad just stared dumbly back.

Heather smirked. "Your stalliony bits."

Brad gulped. "N-never mind my bits! We have to think about how we're gonna get out of this mess if that Twilight pony can't convince Amy to give up the book!" He eyed her. "You do want to change back, right?"

"Of course!" Heather said. "I want to be human again just like you do."

"Well, good."

"You think I want to have to deal with grooming this much hair for the rest of my life? And feathers on top of it?"

Brad glanced at her lovely wings. "A-all right, fine, then."

Heather slowly grinned. "But, um ... if they're going to take awhile, maybe ... maybe we should have a little fun while we wait."

"Huh?" Brad said. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Heather giggled. "What did I come over here for in the first place?"

Brad's pupils shrank to near dots. "Y-you can't be serious!"

Heather stepped towards him, fluttering her eyelashes. "Here I thought you were the one who wanted to be kinky."

"Heather, there's kinky, and there's just plain fucking sail-off-the-edge-of-the-earth weird! Guess which one this is!"

Heather sighed and frowned. "Fine, suit yourself."

Brad turned away, at least until he heard a soft fluttering sound. "Wh-what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing."

"You're ... you're moving your wings."

"So?"

"Well, stop it!"

Heather smirked and fully extended her wings.

"Nnng ..."

"Ha! You do too have a wing fetish!" Heather said.

"I didn't until Amy screwed with us!" Brad cried. "And we are still so not doing this!"

Heather frowned and snapped her wings closed. "You know what? You totally suck as a pony, no matter how impressive your bits are."

"Given that I don't want to be a pony in the first place, I ... um ... wait ... did you just say my bits were impressive?"

Amy yawned as she sat with her arm on the back of the sofa propping up her head, her other arm curled tightly around the transformation spell book.

"... and furthermore," droned Twilight. "The existence of ponies in Equestria is a natural adaptation to the world in which they evolved. The balance of the environment is intricately tied to the magic of its denizens. You cannot impose such structure on another world which developed under different principles. For example, the introduction of pegasi and their weather-controlling abilities could wreak havoc simply due to the fact that the climatological model of your world is based on self-regulation and would react adversely to being manipulated by the very ponies that you seek to create."

Amy sighed and flicked her gaze down to Spike. "Does she always go on like this?"

Spike sighed. "Unfortunately, yes."

"So was this all a plan to bore me to sleep so you can take the book?"

"I think she's on to us, Twilight," Spike whispered.

Twilight frowned and stomped a hoof. "No, that's not what this is about! This is all very important! I'm trying to show you how disastrous it would be to convert your world into some sort of Equestria Mark Two!"

Amy stood. "Look, Princess Sparkle-Butt--"

"Twilight Sparkle!"

Spike snickered.

"Whatever. I am not giving up this book, no matter what you say. Why don't you just head back where you came from and enjoy the adulations of your pony subjects?"

Twilight face-hoofed. "Ugh! I do not command some sort of empire! I don't even co-rule Equestria. My full title is the Princess of Friendship."

Amy snorted. "Seriously? That's your title?"

"Why, yes, it is."

"So why aren't you casting some sort of friendship spell at me?"

"That's not how the magic of friendship works," said Twilight. "It's not instantaneous."

Spike nodded. "Yeah, it usually takes about a half hour."

"Oh, so it's more like a slow-acting friendship poison?" said Amy.

"Yes ... No!" Twilight cried. "Spike, you're not helping!"

"What?" Spike said.

"I'm trying to make her see reason. I'm trying to prevent a potential disaster. She doesn't understand the power she wields."

Spike raised an eyebrow and glanced over to Amy for a moment. "Um, I think she fully understands her power, Twilight," he whispered.

"Yes, she knows full well how to channel her power, Spike," Twilight whispered back. "But not how to properly apply ..." She trailed off. "Hmm."

"You have an idea?"

"I just might." Twilight lifted her head and turned her gaze upon Amy. "Great and Powerful Amy, I've been conferring with my assistant, and it is our opinion that you don't even need the book."

Amy raised an eyebrow. "Oh, do tell, now?"

"Yes. The very fact that you were able to so easily cast the spells from the book shows you already can tap into the natural thaumic field of your world. You don't need what you call 'pony magic' because you already have your own."

"You'll forgive me if I don't believe you."

"Then allow me to prove it to you."

Amy narrowed her eyes. "How?"

"Allow me to help expand your thaumic channels."

Amy rolled her eyes. "And all I have to do is walk over there, right? Nice try, Princess Sparkly-Bits."

"Twilight. Sparkle," Twilight said through clenched teeth. "And no, you can stay where you are. In fact, feel free to put the spell book out of reach of my magic."

Amy hesitated.

Spike grinned. "Of course, if you're scared, we understand."

Amy blinked. "What?"

"Eh, it's okay. We understand if you're afraid you're not as magical as you think you are."

"You can't insult me like that!"

"Um, actually, I can, since I'm over here and you're over there." Spike snorted. "Oh Great and Powerful Aimless."

"Amy!"

"Whatever."

Amy snorted. "Fine! The Great and Powerful Amy will allow this." She turned towards the end of the sofa furthest from the transport circle. She dropped the book to the floor, then with a grunt she hoisted the leg of the sofa far enough to kick the book under it.

"Good work, Spike," Twilight whispered as Amy turned towards them and took up her previous position. "Ready?"

"Ready," said Amy.

Twilight smiled, and her horn began to glow. Amy, likewise, was suffused by the same glow.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Amy said in alarm.

"Relax, it's fine," said Spike.

"How do I know this is not some friendship spell or poison or whatnot?"

"Because she would've used it by now if she could?"

"Oh. Good point."

Twilight's horn glowed brighter. "Amy, this is a spell to help augment your natural thaumic channels and allow you to better tap this world's pool of magical energy. It doesn't take much power, which is why I can cast it well enough into your world to have an effect."

Amy nodded slowly. "Um, okay. So what do you want me to do?"

"Try a simple levitation spell," said Twilight. She glanced at the coffee table. "There's some sort of rectangular object on that table."

"You mean my cell phone?"

"Yes, try lifting it with your magic."

Amy gave Twilight a dubious look, but she turned her gaze towards her phone and concentrated. After a few seconds, the object was suffused by a weak glow. Amy's eyes widened.

"That's it," said Twilight. Her eyes flicked to the side and narrowed slightly. Behind Amy, the far corner of the sofa glowed. "Now just lift."

"O-okay," Amy said. She took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes in concentration. She uttered a gasp when the cell phone began to rise.

"Very good!" Twilight said. Her horn brightened. The corner of the sofa lifted.

"Oh, wow," Amy murmured.

"Lift it higher."

Amy smiled and nodded. Slowly, the cell phone rose until it was level with her eyes.

Behind her, the book slid out from under the sofa leg and rose.

"Excellent, Amy!" Twilight said. "Just one more thing to do. Pull it towards you. Give it a good yank!"

The cell phone and transformation spell book both suddenly zipped through the air.

"Ow!" Amy cried when the cell phone impacted with her forehead.

"Oof!" Spike cried when the book impacted with his gut.

Amy blinked rapidly as the glow around her body faded. Her eyes widened as she beheld the book in Spike's claws. "Wh-what did you just ..." She whipped her gaze behind her. "You ... h-how did ...?!"

"Ugh, you could've warned me," Spike groaned. "I almost tossed my breakfast."

"Sorry, Spike," said Twilight. "But I didn't want to risk Amy catching on."

"Just what did you do?"

"Simple," said Twilight with a smile. "I couldn't project my magic very far beyond the portal circle, but by using Amy as a conduit and tapping her own magical abilities, I was able to augment my own magic and grab the book."

Spike's eyes widened. "Wow, and you even used words I understood in explaining it!"

"You tricked me!" Amy screamed. "What the hell kind of Princess of Friendship are you?!"

"The not-dumb kind?" Spike suggested.

"I'm sorry I had to do that," said Twilight. "But I really had to get this book back."

"Then everything you said about not needing the book was a lie!" Amy cried.

"Actually, it wasn't."

"It wasn't?"

Spike raised an eyebrow. "It wasn't?"

Twilight smiled. "I wouldn't have been able to pull off that trick if you weren't already inherently magical, Amy. You really do have the ability to practice magic. You just need to develop it. You could be this world's very first true mage."

"But ... but the book ... the pony magic ... how can I turn people into ponies without it?"

"You don't need it. You can develop your own magic."

Amy gave Twilight a forlorn look. "But ... I like ponies ... they're just so cute and adorable and ..."

Spike frowned. "Is it me, or is this getting kinda creepy?"

"Let's not dwell on it too much," said Twilight. She turned to Amy. "Could you call the two ponies, please, so I can change them back?"

"I don't have much choice, now, do I?" Amy said bitterly. "Thanks to you."

"You mean you're not going to become the Great and Apologetic Amy?" Spike asked.

"Huh?"

"Eh, never mind."

Amy frowned. "Brad! Heather! Get in here!"

"What, you mean now?!" came Heather's breathless voice.

"Yes, right now!"

"Give us ten more minutes!"

Spike raised an eyebrow.

"We might not have that much time," Twilight called out. "The transport circle energies are waning."

"Get in here now!" Amy bellowed.

Two sets of hooves clopped down the hallway. Both ponies appeared, their manes and tails disheveled, the feathers of Heather's wings ruffled. Twilight's eyes widened.

Amy tilted her head. "What the hell were you two doing back there?"

The two ponies exchanged a glance. Heather giggled. "Well, if you must know, we--"

"I don't want to know!" Twilight cried, blushing. "Keep it to yourself, please!"

"Especially since this was supposed to be rated 'teen','" Spike muttered.

"Now, please, trot over here so I can change you two back."

"Wait, Twilight, what about the other spells in the book?" asked Spike.

Twilight's blush deepened. "Spike, this is not the time to bring this up!"

"But don't you need to reverse those first if they were used?"

"Urgh," Twilight muttered. "Um, okay, Brad, did Amy use any other spells on you from the book?"

"No, she didn't," Brad said. "She wouldn't even tell me what they did."

"Good." Twilight's horn glowed. "So let's get this done."

"Wait, what other spells?" Heather asked.

"We don't have time to--"

"Just some stuff that does things to stallions," said Spike.

Heather's eyes widened. "What kind of things?"

"Does something to their bits, I think."

Brad blinked. "Huh??"

Heather giggled. "Oo, this sounds interesting. Can we maybe try that first before we--"

Brad frowned. "What? I thought you said my bits were already impressive!"

"Well, yes, but you can never have too much of a good thing. I mean, we don't have to go bananas with it."

Spike chuckled.

"That's it, I'm transforming you back now!" Twilight shouted, and her horn blazed.

A flash of magic later, and two humans stood where two ponies once were. Brad immediately raised what had been a hoof and breathed a sigh of relief to find that it was a hand. "Yes! Thank you! I never want to be a pony again." He glanced down at Twilight. "Um, no offense."

Twilight smiled. "None taken." She glanced at Amy for a moment, who was giggling. "Ah, you two may want to excuse yourselves for a bit."

"Huh?"

"You're naked, dude," said Spike. "I mean, we don't care, but obviously you humans--"

"Gaah!!" Brad yelled and bolted up the stairs and slammed the door to his bedroom in his wake.

Amy burst out laughing.

Heather frowned and quickly gathered her discarded clothing, draping them over her body as best she could before turning towards Twilight. "You sure she can't pull this shit again?"

"If you mean can she turn you into a pony again, no, not without the book," said Twilight.

"Like you were all that upset about being a pony just now," Amy said with a smirk.

"Hey, I got handed lemons, so I made lemonade," said Heather.

Spike snickered. "More like being handed a banana and--"

"Spike!" Twilight cried.

"What? I was just going to make an analogy to an ice cream desert."

"Oh."

"With two scoops," Spike murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

Heather rolled her eyes and ducked into the downstairs bathroom.

The circle of runes on the floor began to flicker. "We better get back, Spike," said Twilight. She looked up at Amy. "I am sorry if you're still angry with me. I wish I had time to get to know you better, and, well, maybe make a new friend." Twilight smiled. "I would have loved to talk about magic with you."

"So you really think I can be a mage without the book?" Amy asked with a small smile.

"Definitely! You have the potential, you just need to apply it. It may take awhile, but I'm confident you can do it."

Amy's smile widened. "Thanks. Maybe we'll see each other again some time?"

"I would love to visit you and see how you've developed your abilities." The energy around her and Spike crackled. "I have to go! Please take care, Great and Powerful Amy!"

"You, too, Princess Twilight Sparkle."

Bright light enveloped pony and dragon, and they and the summoning circle disappeared in a flash of magic.

Amy narrowed her eyes. "Yes. We will meet again, Princess," she said in a low voice. "Count on it."

The Totally Not A Sequel Hook Epilogue

Twilight emerged from the hidden chamber deep beneath the castle, a glow from her horn closing the heavy stone door behind her with a jarring thud. She turned and concentrated, her horn brightening as several runes appeared on the door slab, burned into the stone by her magic. These wards would not only help secure the door but alert her if anypony tampered with them.

For good measure, she added one last touch. She hung a sign on the door which read BEWARE OF THE MANTICORE.

Twilight uttered a tired sigh as she entered her library. "That should be the end of that."

Spike looked up from his comic book. "Sorry you had to seal away that book."

"It's for the best, Spike," said Twilight. "This way, nopony can get their hooves on it. And no clumsy dragons can send it to another universe."

"Yeah, you really need to watch those dra -- hey!"

Twilight giggled. "I'm kidding. Everything worked out in the end."

Spike considered. "Were you serious that Amy could become a mage on her own?"

"Oh, indeed, she can."

"So that spell you used, did you really augment her tommy chapels?"

"Thaumic channels. And, yes, I did. I had to in order to use some of her own magical energy to lift the sofa and retrieve the book."

Spike frowned.

"Something the matter?" Twilight asked.

"You really think it was best to create another potential Trixie?"

"Oh, well, really, she would have developed that level of ability on her own eventually."

Spike gave her a dubious look. "Just how much did you augment her atomic chattels?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Thaumic channels. All right, maybe I had to nudge them a little more than I had anticipated. But it's fine, Spike. The only danger would be if she still had the transformation spell book."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Her energy flow is strong enough that, if she still had the book, she could very easily transform herself directly into an alicorn!"

Spike took on a thoughtful look. "But what if her llamic mantles are strong enough to open a portal to Equestria and take the book back?"

"For the last time, Spike, it's thaumic channels! THAUMIC CHANNELS!"

Spike snickered.

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "You knew how to pronounce it all along, and you're just trolling me again, aren't you?"

Spike grinned. "Yep!"

"That's not nice."

"But it's so easy to do!"

Twilight slowly smiled and laughed. "I guess I deserved that. I really should have kept that book more secure in the first place. I am sorry for any grief I caused you over it."

Spike smiled. "So I can sleep in for a few days?"

"Of course."

"Aaaand maybe some extra deserts at Sugarcube Corner?"

"Sure thing."

"And we can just forget that little incident concerning Rarity and the hidden camera?"

"Don't push it, Spike."

Spike shrugged. "Can't blame me for trying."

"In fact, thanks for reminding me," said Twilight with a sly smile. "I'm doing a ribbon-cutting of a new wing on the dragon orphanage in a few days. I'm sure you'll love it."

Spike gasped. "What?!"

Twilight paused a beat before adding, "Oh, I meant as my guest at the party afterward."

"Very funny," Spike growled, folding his arms. "Troll."

"Takes one to know one, Spike."

They both laughed.

"Say, Twilight, just one more question," said Spike. "Are you absolutely sure she won't be able to do any pony magic without the book?"

"Positive," said Twilight.

"So it's impossible?"

Twilight paused. "I didn't say that."

Spike sighed. "Here we go ..."

"No, really, Spike, this time it's so close to impossible that it's not even worth considering. There is a very infinitesimal chance that, while I was augmenting her channels, the projection of my thaumic field could have resonated with her biomagical aura such that the latent energies of the spell book could have integrated themselves into her neurological matrix and--"

"You know what?" Spike said, stretching his arms and yawning. "I'm ready for bed. Good night, Twilight."

Twilight sighed but smiled. "Good night, Spike."

If the "pony incident" had any sort of positive effect on Brad, it had motivated him to find a way to get out of his crazy sister's house as soon as possible. This, unfortunately, meant getting a job, which cut severely into his time with Heather. Thus he was looking forward to seeing her that night, so long as Amy didn't interfere.

Not that he saw all that much of her. She had become a complete recluse after that purple pony had filled her head with ridiculous notions of being a mage in her own right. She appeared from her bedroom only long enough to eat, where she scarcely said a word to Brad or gave more than monosyllabic responses to direct questions.

Well, except for earlier that morning, when Amy was all smiles and practically gushed at the idea that Heather would be coming over that night. He tried not to let that disturb him. Surely that was not just some cheap, obvious foreshadowing. He also thought nothing of the coincidental rainstorm that just happened to generate a stock ominous atmosphere for when he returned from his job that evening. Though when he looked up and saw the blinding flash of light from the bedroom window and all the other lights in the house go out, well, he started to read something into that.

Thus the lightning that just happened to flash seconds later was not strictly needed to increase the sense of dread he was feeling, but it was a nice touch.

Brad burst into the house. "Amy?! Amy, are you all right?!"

The only response was the patter of rain on the windows and roof.

He tried the light switch, but it appeared all the power was out. He ducked back out to his car and returned with a small LED flashlight. "Amy?" he called out as he swung the bright beam to and fro.

His heart raced as he crept up the stairs.

"Amy, if you're here, say something!" Brad called out. "Y-you're creeping me out right now!"

He remembered the effects that had accompanied that portal that brought the purple pony and her assistant, and wondered if his luck could be such that Amy had simply done the same and transported herself to another universe. Really, that would suit Brad just fine, as he was almost ready to move into his own apartment.

At the top of the stairs, he swung the flashlight towards the master bedroom. The door stood ajar. Brad gulped and crept forward. "Amy?" he said in a soft voice as he nudged the door open further.

His eyes widened as the door creaked open. The room was littered with papers covered in arcane symbols, all over the desk, tacked to the walls, piled in stacks on the floor. The only spot that was clear was a roughly circular area near the bed, the carpet scorched in a pattern one would expect from something incendiary exploding outwards.

His flashlight beam caught something on the floor in the center of the blast. He reached down an picked it up. It was a single, long, silvery-blue feather.

Brad gasped when he heard a clopping noise behind him. He whirled around, bringing his beam to bear on the doorway, but he hardly needed it. The glow from a horn had dispelled the darkness.

"Why, hello, Brad," came Amy's silky voice. "Do me a favor, will you?"

Brad was too stunned at the sight before him to do anything more than nod.

"Hold still."

Amy's horn brightened.

"Well, shit," Brad muttered before the blast of magic hit him.

THE END (inasmuch as there are no words left to read)