Chapta 1: Hussie hocks a big loogie
It was a beautiful day in Equestria, the sun was shining and the birds were singing ISNT IT BEAUTFUL GOLLY. There was a sweet smell wafting through ponyville which was coming from Sugarcube Corner.The smell went all the way to Cloudsdale where Rainbow Dash was taking a nap. "mmmm what is that smell?" the blue pegasus said. She flew to wherever her nose took her, and stopped at Sugarcube Corner, where she found her friend Pinkie Pie, pulling a fresh batch of cupcakes out of the oven. "Hi Rainbow Dashie!" the pink pony said. "Would you like some fresh baked cupcakes?" "Uhhh yeah." Rainbow Dash felt something suspicious about Pinkie Pie, her erratic movements were at a somewhat lessened pace. "Are you feeling alright Pinkie?" "Never felt better!" Rainbow Dash was just about to disregard Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie and chow down on some cupcakes, but she noticed that there were visible sleeping pills that looked like sprinkles on the cupcakes. So then Rainbow Dash Just Said NO, causing Pinkie Pie to call Rainbow Dash a chicken, but Rainbow Dash had a ace up her sleeve..wait they don't wear clothes so uhh well you get the idea, her mind thought up of the most brilliant,earth-shattering, and witty retort of them all. Time slowed down as Rainbow Dash spoke her burning words. "I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey." Pinkie Pie now agasp at how she ever could have let Rainbow Dash build that immense comeback, she ran upstairs panicking, giving Rainbow Dash a chance to call the cops. When the police arrived Rainbow Dash had distracted Pinkie Pie long enough for a new recruit to the police officer unit to handcuff Pinkie Pie. Then Pinkie pies face scrunched up like this http://img.ponibooru.org/\_images/6bb8978cae8fbca1d3f96e813058d337/102936%20-%20bubble\_blower%20pinkie\_pie%20plastic%20scroble%20Scrunchy\_Face%20toy.jpg, then acting quickly, Dave uses some sweet moves bro and takes off the mask. "GEE WILIKERS, IT WAS MR ROBERTSON ALL ALONG!" everyone shouted. "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS AND YOUR DUMB DOG!" Everyone fell silent. "Oh sorry, i forgot that aren't any dogs in this room." Silence. A cough or two. "MMMMMMMMMHPHPHPHPPPHPHPHPHPHPMHMMHMMPMMM" A loud voice was coming from the baking closet. Dave, deciding to open the door as coolly as possible, raised his leg and busted down the door, to find Pinkie Pie bound and gagged. Dave removed the bindings with his snoopy snow cone sword and she was freed. Pinkie Pie, out of breath from screaming fainted, so Rainbow Dash put a fresh baked cookie under her nose and she was instantly revived. "Gee that was weird." Rainbow Dash said. "Oh well, at least I got a good laugh out of it." So then, the police took Mr. Robertson away. Rainbow Dash suddenly forgot, she left her car parked in the parking lot, so then she jumped in her car put her key in the ignition and reversed out of the parking space, accidentally running over Discord, Queen Chrysalis, and Lord English. "I thought i felt something." Rainbow Dash murmured to herself, then dismissing the thought entirely. After all, no one would ever go behind her car with her reputation as the worst driver in all of Equestria. But then she remembered it wasn't her who backed out her car, it was actually Dave backing out. "wow that was weird, do i even own a car." So then she remembered, Pinkie Pie was going to hold a party for Rainbow Dashes heroics. She did a 360 because she saw a xbox 360 and went to the party. Everypony was there, Vinyl Scratch, Lyra Heartstrings, Berry Punch, Derpy hoo-okay when i say everypony was there i meant everypony was there k. There was food and music and fun things to do. Rainbow Dash was just about to have a bite of a Eclair because yknow parties always have those things, when suddenly the sky became dark and grimdark and darkgrimdarkgrim and grimgrimdarkgrimgrimgrimdark. A Deafening shockwave burst from the sky and a purple void appeared.Out of the void came a giant pair of lips which then start terrorizing Ponyville with explosions. The special ops team B.A.W.K [Battle Avengers With Kentucky] was sent in to engage their target. Then the elite team goes to work, shooting egg guns of all calibers at the gargantuan being, but to no avail.The lips then emit a fireball, turning B.A.W.K into fried chicken. "So much for backup" Dave said. Twilight Sparkle then politely asked "HOLY FRICK WHAT IS THAT" and Dave replies with a whisper, "hussie lips" causing everypony to scream wildly. Then Hussie's lips shout, "QUITE, I WILL EAT ALL OF YOU" "BUT NOT BEFORE RUINING YOUR CHARACTER SO EVERYONE HATES YOU" and with that hussie's lips turn purple and lo and behold, Gamzee jumps out of the lips with a graceful leap, and kills every butt. "just the butts ohhh yeeeeeah" said Gamzee gleefully. Suddenly Tavros appears with his magic glowing lance that craps pixie dust, and REAL WORKING LEGS and challenges Gamzee to an ultra showdown, but Gamzee doesn't want to fight and explodes into a million banana cream pies. And so, Tavros wins the heart of Nepeta and Kanaya, but he doesn't know who to choose, and Aradia and Feferi appear as well and they're in love with him as well. So then Tavros decides who he should be with with a coin flip. Heads for Kanaya, Tails for Nepeta. So he flips the coin, and with a slow drop, lands perfectly sideways. So then Tavros kicks the coin to at least make it go on one side, and anticlimactically splits in two. "uhhhhh cant i just be friends with all of you instead?" Tavros said. Tavros might have acted a little more brashly, but there was a reason for why he didn't. There had been Pone-Combine hybrids launching out of Hussies Lips who quickly established a suppression field over all of Equestria. Tavros then with everypony, flew into Hussies lips to destroy the Combipone. They fought through heavy Combipone resistance, but were soon near their energy core control center. They faced a Combipone advisor and they beat its face. So then they get to the center core and are about to destroy it when suddenly, a portal appears and Queen Chrysalis, Discord, and Lord English walk out of the portal. Terezi is shocked by this and asks how they could have possibly survived getting run over by dave. Then, the trio said in unison, "We got better". This made Applejack so mad because she had seen this cliche far too many times and bucks them straight into another dimension. They then destroy the core, and time slows down. Gman appears and he walks toward Tavros and whispers in his ear"lol hl3". Then Gman morphs into Gabe Newell and goes through a portal into Valves cafeteria, where hl3 is being held captive. So they go through the portal and they corner Gabe, but he pulls out all his collection and holds hl3 at knifepoint and says, "hl3 wont be released, that is until my....requirements are met" "you will have to code and compile l4d3 for hl3 to be released." Everyone gasps at their predicament. So they begin to code, and Tavros gets a little bored so he hits on Applejack "whats up baby butt" but then, he notices the sign. No Workplace Romance Allowed. Tavros is then discouraged by this and sheds a single manly tear, which lands on the keyboard and it instantly makes l4d3. All it really did was change the textures of the survivors and added hats. Gabe then takes notice and rolls toward Tavros. "that'l do". So then hl3 is released and everyone gets a copy. Tavros then says "well its been fun but i guess i should get back home" but then he realizes that he doesn't work at valve anymore and can hit on the ponies. He then walks towards Applejack but as soon as he begins to speak a portal appears and Equius comes out of it. All of the ponies are instantly attracted to him and he says "haha im 2 cool 4 u scrub" and Tavros says "oh ok", but then Equius starts to sweat and Rarity says "ewwww" so Tavros notices this opurtunity and says "ONLY A REAL MAN USES DEODORANT AND THAT DEODORANT IS OLD SPICE, WITH DOUBLE SUN POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" this causes all of the ponies to swoon and then another portal appears and Celestia flies out of it and says "who said something about suns" and notices the sweet smell of Tavros and Old Spice and swoons. But then Tavros notices that he can only like the ponies with horns so he has to choose between Rarity, Lyra, and Celestia. So then first of all, he rules out Rarity because she is stuck up, and so he has to choose again, but then Celestia asks if he likes bananas so Tavros instantly goes with Lyra, and is teleported with her to Equestria along with all of the other ponies. To Be Continued.
