“Hey, Pinkie Pie!”
Hi.
“Thanks for cheering me up!”
Don't mention it.
“Pinkie Pie! Your party yesterday was great!”
Thanks.
“Pinkie, hi! You look happy today!”
Do I? That's great.
All the passing comments of her 'friends' clouded the pink mare's thoughts. She was making her usual rounds around town, smiling and waving at every pony she saw. They all responded back with great big grins and words of praise. Words she didn't think she deserved. Words she didn't want to hear.
It has become a daily routine for Pinkie Pie, her rounds. Every day at around the same time, she would greet and talk to each and every one of her 'friends'. Every day, she would paint on a gorgeous, stunning smile that everypony loved.
She waved to the last of the ponies as she approached Sugar Cube Corner. It was closed today; Mr. and Mrs. Cake were away visiting relatives in Manehattan. Pinkie had the store to herself.
Every day... every day is the same.
She shut the door behind her, taking the time to make sure no pony was paying attention to her. No pony was.
Why does it always hurt so much?
Pinkie's famous smile had disappeared. A new expression had taken it's place, an expression filled with pain. Her eyes lost that sparkle of excitement they usually sported. They were glossy and unfocused. Her mouth contorted into a frown, the corners of her lips quivering slightly as it began to rain.
Why me? Why is it my job to keep everypony happy all the time? I can't do it. I don't want to do it.
It fell steadily, dampening the fur around Pinkie's eyes. The drops were large and salty, blurring her vision slightly.
I want to. No, I need too.
The mare had found her small, sharp knife left in it's usual spot. It was waiting for her, like a good friend would. The handle felt comfortable in her hoof as if it belonged there.
Just a few small ones. Just enough to make me feel better.
Pinkie Pie knew it was wrong. She's known that fact since she started a few months ago.
Its not that bad. It'll help me be able to keep smiling. No matter what, I can't stop smiling.
The weapon seemed to move on it's own, slowly tracing over scars that had been made on previous occasions. Pinkie didn't want anyone to find out about this, so she tried to make them as unnoticeable as possible. She would make a few small gashes, no longer then an inch or two, and wait for it to heal. Then she would repeat the process over the same small scars.
It usually worked and calmed her down.
Usually.
There have been a few times when she couldn't stop herself from doing more than a few small cuts. Days when the pink mare just couldn't keep up the fake smile any longer. Remembering days like that only made Pinkie want to repeat them. She couldn't, though. Her 'friends' would get suspicious if she used the same excuse again.
~
“Pinkie? What happened to your hoofs and legs?”
White bandages were wrapped tightly against her front forelegs, making sure the cuts stayed closed until healed.
Pinkie's heart skipped a beat. No, she can't know. No pony can know.
She giggled happily. “Oh, Dashie, it's nothing really! Gummy and I were fooling around and things got a bit out of control, is all.” The lie flew from her mouth with ease; Pinkie Pie had taken the time to come up with this excuse, if the occasion of somepony noticing ever arose.
Rainbow Dash's concerned expression was still present, but she seemed to be a little more at ease.
“Are you sure everything's okay? You've seemed... off, lately.”
Pinkie Pie felt her face grow slightly paler. Rainbow was clever, too clever, despite her narcissistic personality and tendencies.
She forced her grin to widen impossibly, until her face ached.
“Dashie, I promise, I'm fine! I've just been a little stressed out lately, that's all. With a good night's sleep, I'll be back to normal in no time!”
Luckily for Pinkie Pie, Rainbow believed it all at the time.
~
The knife carved its way into the pink mare's skin slowly. Immediately, her garish pink fur was tainted with hints of brilliantly bright crimson. The liquid slowly oozed from its spot, silently creeping down Pinkie's leg.
Just one or two more, that's all.
Another slice was placed directly below the first. A third somehow found its way onto the mare's other leg. A fourth was made, twice as long as the others. A fifth, slightly deeper than the previous one.
Pinkie's front forelegs had gone numb, as expected. It didn't hurt, it never really had. The rush adrenaline and emotional release is what kept making her come back.
One more, and I'll stop.
However, after once more, Pinkie Pie didn't stop. A sixth, seventh, eighth... the mare had lost count. She was too engrossed in her unfinished painting to stop and count them up.
A loud sob had broken the heavy silence. More tears leaked from the corners of Pinkie's eyes as she choked on her sobs. Her sessions of cutting usually ended in more tears.
“Why... w-why do things have to be like this?” she said, aloud.
“Why can't I be happy and normal like everypony else?”
She made several more cuts before letting the knife fall from her hoof to the floor. She was unable to grasp it any longer. It landed with a 'clank', splattering several small drops of blood in random directions.
Pinkie Pie hadn't cut this much since... well, actually, she's never cut this much before. Usually she would stop after four of five small ones.
Her sticky forelegs stung as the cuts swelled up. Had she cleaned the knife since last time? Pinkie couldn't remember and she frankly didn't care.
The mare's front legs gave out, giving her a one-way ticket to the floor. The pain got worse; both of her legs ached terribly.
This hasn't ever happened before... Why does it hurt so much now?
Pinkie tried to get up off the floor, but her legs would not allow it. She struggled for little bit, until the pain erupting from her skin became too much to handle. She stayed still, letting her legs go limp.
For the first time, Pinkie Pie regretted her actions. Usually, they made her feel much better... But this time, it only made her hurt worse.
More droplets ran down her tear-stained face, falling to the tiled floor to meet and mingle with the drops of red. She stayed still and silent, lost in her own thoughts.
If only everypony didn't expect so much of me... maybe I wouldn't have to do this to myself. It's just impossible... I can't keep everypony happy all the time. I can't even keep myself happy...
If I can't keep everypony happy, I'm worthless. There's nothing I can really do, being a lousy earth pony.
I can't do magic like Twilight or Rarity... I can't help animals like Fluttershy... I can't be somepony to look up to like Dashie... I can't even help ponies like Applejack-- and she's an earth pony too. What can I do? Throw parties? Play 'pin the tail on the pony'? Bake a cake? All such worthless qualities...
If anypony saw me like this... would they still want to be my friend...? I doubt it.
Negative thoughts kept swirling around in the pink pony's head, draining every bit of hope she possessed. Pinkie had been thinking like this for quite some time, allowing herself to dwell on topics like this more and more. Of course, not everything she thought was the truth. But in her current state, she was blinded from seeing the real, positive effects she had on everypony.
Somepony... anypony... help me...
~
“Rainbow!” a certain lavender unicorn called to her friend. The winged mare looked down from her cloud, an air of annoyance surrounding her.
“What do you want, Twilight?” she replied without interest, refusing to move from her perch on the cloud. She had been 10, maybe 15 minutes into her afternoon nap.
“Can you please come down here? I want to talk with you about Pinkie Pie.”
Rainbow Dash gave in and flew down from her cloud upon hearing the name of her best friend. She cocked her head to the side in confusion, wondering what Twilight wanted to talk about.
“Yeah? What about her?” the cyan mare asked.
“Have you seen her at all recently? She never hangs out with any of us anymore. I've talked to Rarity, Applejack, even Fluttershy, and they all say that she never visits any them anymore.”
Rainbow pondered what Twilight said for a minute. Now that she thought about it, Pinkie rarely came to see her anymore, or even drop by for a quick 'hi'. “You're right, Twilight. The only times I've seen her is when she walks around town often. But besides that, nothing at all.”
The pegasus thought back to when she had seen Pinkie wearing a few bandages around her legs. She remembered how she immediately assumed the worst, and how Pinkie's face had gotten paler and paler with every word she had said.
“That's odd, isn't it? Usually Pinkie is always hanging around somepony, but it seems as if she's been on her own for a while,” Twilight observed out loud. Rainbow Dash nodded, agreeing with the unicorn. She couldn't help but feel guilty for letting her bouncy pink friend be alone the past few days. “Maybe you could go pay her a visit? If anything's bothering her, I'm sure she's most likely to open up to you, Rainbow. You two are best friends, after all,” the lavender unicorn offered her a smile. Rainbow Dash, however, did not return it. Her mind was solely focused on Pinkie Pie, worrying about her.
“Actually, that's not a bad idea. I'm going to go see her now,” Rainbow said before trotting away quickly, not even giving Twilight a chance to respond. Her trot became faster, eventually breaking into flying at her normal speed: fast.
~
Pinkie Pie's legs had finally stopped stinging and aching. In fact, she'd lost all feeling in them all together. She had finally managed to get up off the ground, with much difficulty. Even now that she was on all four hooves, she was still wobbly; teetering back and forth as she stumbled about.
The pink mare picked up her friend, (using her mouth, as her front hooves were currently useless), and dropped it back into the drawer it came from. She made a mental note to bandage herself up once her hoofs allowed it.
Taking an old rag from the counter to clean up any traces of her incident on the floor, Pinkie heard hoof-steps right outside the entrance to the sweet shop. Her heart began racing and she felt the color drain from her face in fear. She panicked, not really knowing what to do.
A sharp knock was made on the door.
“Pinkie Pie? Are you in there? It's me, Rainbow Dash.”
Pinkie didn't dare respond. Maybe if she was quiet enough, Rainbow would leave to look for her elsewhere. Maybe.
Another knock, this one louder than the last. “I know you're in there, Pinkie Pie.”
“Go away!” was all the pink pony said in reply.
“Pinkie, if you don't open this door on your own, I'll just let myself in.” The door knob jiggled, but refused to grant the pegasus entrance. Rainbow's frustrated grunts were audible from inside the shop. Pinkie let out a small sigh of relief, she had at least remembered to lock the door behind her. She knew that something like a locked door would be useless in the way of a determined pegasus, though.
“One...” Rainbow began counting.
Pleasepleaseplease don't get to three.
“Two...”
Please, I'm begging you. Don't come inside. You'll see the monster I've become.
“Three!”
Rainbow Dash burst through the door with all her might, sending it flying off its hinges, breaking it.
Broken. Just like Pinkie Pie is.
Rainbow took a minute to regain her composure, shaking off small bits of wood from her mane and fur. She blinked, eyes adjusting to how dark it was inside the shop. Pinkie had the curtains tightly shut.
“Pinkie? Everything okay...?” she approached her friend, noticing first that she was still quietly crying. Possible reasons for the pink mare's tears flooded into Rainbow's head, but all but one vanished once she saw Pinkie's legs.
The pegasus's eyes widened as conflicting emotions ran through her head.
Anger. To some extent, she was angry with Pinkie Pie. Why had she done such a stupid, dangerous thing? Pinkie should know better than to play around with knives, especially when it put her very life at such a high risk.
Worry. If Pinkie's cutting this much now... how much as she cut in the past? Will her habits continue in the future? Or possibly get worse?
Confusion. What had driven Pinkie to start? Why hadn't she come to confide in Rainbow Dash, or any of the others?
Guilt. That one was the strongest, by far.
It took Rainbow quite some time to find words for the pink mare. Nothing in her head seemed right to say at the moment. Finally, she decided on a single word.
“...Why?” her tone was soft, as if the question was some sort of secret unfit for the ears of anypony except the mare in front of her. She was unable to make eye contact with Pinkie, and instead directed her eyes to her hooves. They were shaking.
Pinkie didn't respond at first. She looked around the room randomly, desperately looking for something, anything, to take her mind off Rainbow, even if only for a second.
“Pinkie Pie, please te--”
“Because I just can't handle it on my own, okay?!”
Once again, the rain began to fall, but this time with an audience present.
Her voice rose, wavering in uncertain tones. She continued on, “I just can't do it. I can't, Dashie, I can't! Keeping everypony happy... do you have any idea how hard it is? To have the responsibility for everypony's emotions? ...Everypony's emotions... except my own. No, my own don't matter! As long as everpony else is happy. Then I'm supposed to be happy too. But I'm not. Tell me, Dashie, what do I do then?”
Rainbow didn't know how to reply.
“It's just not fair. Everypony has someone to turn to when they're feeling lonely or sad. I don't. I have to smile for them, Dashie. No matter what I'm feeling. I can be having the worst possible day of my life, yet I have to keep smiling. Why? Why do I have to keep smiling, Dashie? It hurts! It hurts so much.
“Sometimes, I just want it all to end. The pain. But I know I can't do something like that, it'd be too selfish to do. So instead, I turn to my friend, the knife. He's really nice to me, Dashie. I can tell him all my problems and secrets, and he'll still like me. I don't have to smile all the time around him. I can just let everything out.
“It hurts. Seeing all those ponies smile so nicely everyday... Their smiles are true, Dashie. Mine aren't. But everypony thinks my smile is the best... but its fake! They expect so much of me. I just... can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, okay? I've let everypony down. But I just can't do it. I can't.”
“Pinkie Pie... I--”
“It's okay, Dashie. You don't have to say anything. I kind of figured that after seeing what I'm really like, you wouldn't want to be friends anymore,” the pink mare's tears had run dry. She turned away from the pegasus in front of her, expecting Rainbow to leave.
“...You can be really stupid sometimes, you know that? Why wouldn't I still want to be your friend? You're still the bright pink pony we all love. We just don't know you as well as we thought.”
Pinkie's ears perked up as she turned to face Rainbow Dash. The blue mare pulled her into a tight hug. Pinkie could feel the crook of her neck become damp as Rainbow cried silently into her.
“I'm so sorry. So sorry. I had no idea... I'm sorry.”
Pinkie smiled softly at the mare in front of her, returning the hug.
A real smile.
“I'm sorry too, Dashie... Thank you.”
