Who am I?
The words haunt my thoughts as I gaze over the darkened skyline of Canterlot. The night is completely still, quiet as the grave. No moon illuminates the streets; I cannot not bring myself to shine my light when I can find none within myself.
What use is my light, when my Sister outshines it without effort?
'The brightest spark can never compare to the softest flame.' She'd said that to me once, before She'd taken me over. One of the many things She'd told me, to keep me trapped and sobbing in the darkest corner of my own mind.
What use is freedom? I'm still a prisoner in my thoughts, only now I'm my own warden. Nightmare needn't have bothered to trap me.
I look up at my night sky, the stars glimmering softly. I know each by name, many of which are known only to me. They are as hidden as the burdens I carry.
A twinge of bitter amusement. I've always been one for symbolism.
My head feels heavy, so I let it fall. I sit, staring down at the marble floor of the balcony, unseeing.
There's nothing inside me. Illusions, actions, false smiles and chosen words... It's all I am.
A tiny little noise in my throat. All I can muster. It's not even sadness; not really. I would rather be sad than empty.
I sink all the way to the floor, resting my head against the railing. It gives me a modicum of relief, exhausted and drained as I am.
I stare, unthinking, unseeing. It's a strange form of agony, to have nothing inside me. As though I shouldn't feel wrong at all, because there's no pain. No pain, no desire. And yet there is something in that absence... A permeating sense of just wanting something to be over.
"What use am I?" I ask. My voice is a simple monotone. That should have concerned me, I knew that, but... It didn't. I couldn't care.
Two princesses. Only one is needed. The hard truth that I've been struggling not to acknowledge. It cannot have gone unnoticed that in the last thousand years, Equestria had not suffered in my absence.
I do not rule. I do not fight. I raise the moon and I craft the stars, but Celestia can do it just as well. Perhaps not as artfully, or as lovingly, but what do the ponies beneath care for my fine touch?
An accessory of Celestia's rule. That's all I am. No power, no importance beyond what she grants me. No more valuable than the crown she wears.
I close my eyes, allowing my head to sink further. My mane hangs limply around my head.
I've always excelled at illusions. Where my sister has her strength, I have finesse. But my illusions aren't always magic.
Every smile when I sit the throne at night. Every laugh and chuckle when Celestia makes a joke. Even my eyes hide my emptiness, for Celestia's gaze had failed to see past them.
The illusions that conceal who I truly am... Who I am not.
I shiver, cold despite the warm evening. I draw my forelegs closer to my chest, that simple movement so laborious.
A blank slate is all I am. A festering collection of turmoil, carefully organized over years of managed agony until I became tranquil emptiness. It brought me no relief, leaving me with only that suffocating miasma that surrounds my thoughts, covers my eyes and ears, taints everything with a darkness I cannot banish with any light.
I manage to lift my head, looking up at my night sky again. Even now, I can appreciate its beauty. The pride, the joy, and the fulfillment are all there within me... But so distant. Far-off echoes, memories of happiness, as untouchable as the stars themselves.
A trickle of magic is all it takes. Dozens, hundreds, thousands of my stars wink out of existence, leaving behind naught but a black abyss.
So fickle, I muse. Seemingly eternal, yet so easily banished with a single thought. Had anyone even noticed? Did it matter?
Nothing is truly eternal. No stars. No happiness. No life.
Not even mine.
Time and time again, I have wondered. Those ponies who had decided to end it all, to throw their lives away... Did they ever truly wish to die?
"Or did they only wish to stop feeling this way?" I ask aloud.
Not at first... never right away. I'd told myself it would pass. That I would get better, and become happy again. That I would be able to laugh sincerely. To take pride in my work again. To serve Equestria and rule at my sister's side.
But it never happened. It wore away at me. It still eludes me how the void can wear away at emptiness to create something worse, but what little resolve I had left faded.
I don't want to die, but I'll do anything to stop feeling this way.
Alicorns are ageless and resilient, but Celestia and I wield power far beyond other ponies.
I could teleport myself into the center of the sun. I could split every atom in my body. I could hurl myself into the moon at such speed that my body would simply cease to exist.
My only hesitation is inane, pointless thoughts that continue to plague me.
What if Equestria does need me?
What would Celestia think?
Would it hurt?
I already know the answers. I have no reason to hesitate.
"Luna."
I pause in my ruminations. I look back over my shoulder, seeing my sister standing behind me. She isn't wearing her crown, and her mane is as still as my own.
"Sister," I say. I try to sound happy to see her, but I can't. All I can muster is an empty monotone. "Did you need something?"
"Please. Talk to me." There's sadness in her voice, but desperation as well.
I look away from her. "About what?"
"The stars," Celestia says gently. "I was watching when they vanished."
I shrug and rustle my wings. "Nothing to worry about."
"Why can't you look at me?" Celestia asks.
I flinch, turning back to stare out across the Canterlot skyline.
I hear a weary sigh. "Luna, this has gone on long enough."
I look back at her. I don't need to school my features; I couldn't make a real expression if I tried. "What do you mean?"
"I am not blind," Celestia says. She steps forward, her hooves gently tapping against the floor. "I know you have been... struggling."
Surprise, dulled by apathy. "How?"
Celestia smiles weakly and lies down next to me, where I can look at her more easily. "I know you, Luna. I've known you for millennia, even if I didn't know to pay attention until... recently."
I no longer have the energy to lie. "I admit, I have been... unwell."
Celestia moves closer, and I feel her feathers brush against my back. "It's worse than that."
I continue to stare off into the distance. "Perhaps."
Her wing covers my back. I'd find it comforting, under other circumstances. "Is there anything I can do?"
I clench my eyes shut, inhaling sharply. "I don't know," I tell her. "I truly don't know anymore."
A knot in my chest... Like I want to cry, like that would offer relief, and yet... I can't cry. It doesn't boil over, it doesn't well up. It just... festers. Like the rest of me.
"In a way, this is worse than when She took you," Celestia whispers.
I blink, turning my head slightly to see her out of the corner of my eye. "Worse?"
"At least then, I could believe it was all because of her." This time, Celestia is the one who looks away. "Not because I didn't pay attention. Not because you were vulnerable and suffering, and I failed to see it."
Despite the numbness, I do feel a flicker of sympathy for my sister. "It's not your fault, Tia... It was always mine."
Celestia's head whips around, her magenta eyes staring into my own with surprising ferocity. "That's not true. You cannot blame yourself for this, Luna. You cannot."
The vehemence in her voice is such that I can't bring myself to reply, despite not really believing her words.
Her wing tightens over my back. "Luna... There are ponies who can help you."
I snort softly. "A mind healer?"
Celestia gives me a stern look. "A psychologist. Many advances have been made in your absence."
I lower my head, resting against the floor again. "How could a mortal pony understand?"
Another squeeze from that soft wing. "Mortal minds are not so different from our own, Sister. Please... at least try it."
When I fail to reply, Celestia shifts again, wrapping her hooves around my neck and pulling me against her. The numbness recedes, if only a little, and I lean into her warmth, closing my eyes as my exhaustion overwhelms me.
"You can't go on like this," she tells me, rubbing a hoof along my back. Soothing. Comfortable. It reminds me of happier times, even if the feeling is so far away.
I sigh. I lack conviction, but then, so have I always since this began. "I will try, Sister. It is all I can do."
Celestia breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank you. Do you wish to be alone?"
I pause, turning that over in my thoughts. I want to be alone, but... do I even know what's best for me?
"Stay with me," I whisper to her. "Please."
I know she smiles, even though I don't see it. "Of course, Luna. Whenever you need me."
She remains at my side as we gaze upon the empty night. In the void I've created, I focus a weak trickle of magic. A single white star appears, centered in my canvas. A solitary spark, the sole flame of defiance that I can muster.
I smile softly. As I return to life, so too will the night.
