[Derpy vs Fluttershy] - Ponyville 4th Annual Staring Competition Finals
“Good morning, Ponyville! Welcome back to Equestrian Center’s coverage of the Ponyville Fourth Annual, For the Foals, Staring Competition finals. I’m Bob.”
“And I’m Jim.”
“And we are minutes away from the finals of what I have to say has been the best staring contest to date.”
“You say that every year, Bob, but this time I have to agree. We have had some spectacular performances from both veteran starers and up-and-comers alike.”
“Indeed, Jim. Let’s review our contestants before these finals get underway. Roll the clip, Highlight…. First up we got Fluttershy. Don’t let this one’s cool temper get the best of you. When you stare against her, you best be ready to handle the heat, or you're going straight to Blinksville, EQA.”
“Yes, Bob. There’s a reason why Fluttershy has been reigning champion since this sport’s inception. Just look at the intensity in her eyes.”
“I can’t, Jim. I just keep blinking.”
“Through sheer ferocity, Fluttershy and her stare have dominated the qualifiers, easily securing her position in these finals today. All who’ve underestimated her have learned an important lesson: don’t stare at the shy.”
“Just look at how she took on Rose here. Rose didn’t even last five seconds against the Stareinator. And all that coming from such a sensitive little mare too.”
“It’s truly hard to believe, Bob.”
“It is, Jim. But that shy is no lie. I’ve heard she can be a real sweetie outside the staring circuit.”
“Well if there’s one thing we can say about Fluttershy’s stare: it’s quick and brutal. She’ll make you want to blink, maybe even before the match even starts. So far her strategy has worked well for her. Especially when you consider that few managed to last longer than a couple of seconds against her.”
“But Fluttershy may be facing her toughest competition yet, Jim. In these finals, she will be going eye-to-eye against the wall eyed underdog herself: Derpy Hooves. Let’s take a look at how she has been performing so far….”
“Now I think Derpy has really proven herself this competition, don’t you think, Bob?”
“Let me remind those of you at home about this mare here. She got last place during the Ponyville Third Annual, For the Bunnies, Staring Competition. Last place! And against the competition that year, you had to try if you wanted to lose. Now she’s here—in the finals—with only one pony in her way from victory. That alone tells you the dedication this mare has to the sport of competitive staring.”
“It does indeed, Bob. But what fascinates me about Derpy is not as much her climb to the top as it is her unorthodox approach to staring.”
“I’ve never seen it before, Jim. Unlike Fluttershy, Derpy seems to take a more… relaxed approach. Derpy doesn’t try to close the match out immediately, she’s fine to stay in it for the long haul.”
“Right here is what I’m talking about. This is what we’ve never seen before this competition. As you see there, Derpy is staring with one eye at a time while her other eye is looking away, to then later swap eyes when her starting eye begins to tire out.”
“And… bam! She’s swapped eyes. Now she’s on a fresh eye—ready for more—while her opponent is left straining. I don’t even know if that’s legal, Jim, but the fans love it.”
“She’s come a long way, Bob. What I appreciate about Derpy is how she not only applies, but also exemplifies the fundamentals of competitive staring.
“Explain that to me, Jim. I’m not seeing how a one-eyed approach is the ‘fundamental of competitve staring.’”
“Well… okay. The strategy’s atypical, but the approach is what’s key here. What a lot of amateur starers don’t understand is what Derpy is doing in the ring. In competitive staring, you can take the slow and steady route. Derpy is showing that canwork. Often it’s better to learn how to outpace your opponent rather than to try and intimidate their blink. Only specialized starers, like Fluttershy, are capable of that type of approach.”
“I see where you’re saying, Jim. What Fluttershy brought to competitive staring effectively redefined the whole sport. But with that, many starers have tried to be like Fluttershy and—let’s be honest—no pony can stare like Fluttershy.”
“But because of ponies attempting to become the next Fluttershy, the original fundamentals to competitive staring were... forgotten. Sure, Fluttershy dominated the competition when she first entered the scene, but perhaps there was something true—even in competitive staring—to the phrase: slow and steady wins the race.”
“That and an eye trick. But I think you're right, Jim. But even beyond that, I feel Derpy has represented the average pony here in this staring contest today. Don’t you think? That even when life knocks you down and you end up placing last, if you just apply yourself, you can make it anywhere. That if Derpy can make it this far, so can you. You too can accomplish your dreams if you just work hard enough at them.”
“You’re bringing me to tears, Bob.”
“I tend to, Jim. But there’s an important point here that needs to be established. What makes these finals so historic is the amalgamation of the two ponies competing here today. The battle between fierce aggression and undaunting endurance. Folks, we have a legendary matchup just ahead of us—right here—as the competitors are just about ready to enter the ring to get this thing started.”
“As a reminder, The Ponyville Fourth Annual, For the Foals, Staring Competition is in support of the For Foals Foundation. All proceeds of this event go to support the foals, fillies, and colts in need all over Equestria. Whether they’re bullied in school, are in need of a good friend, or grew up in Manehatten, the Triple-F seeks to remind us: there’s hidden talent within each filly and colt; let’s let it shine.”
“Don’t be a fool, support the foals. How’s that?”
“Keep trying Bob.”
“I will, Jim. But I gotta ask, who are you rooting for today?”
“I’ve got to put my bits down on Fluttershy.”
“Really?”
“All the way. She’s been three-times reigning champion for a reason. That reason being her unrelenting stare. Only a few competitors lasted a minute against her, and half of those who did were found cheating... and still lost. I have no doubt Derpy can last the minute, but we have yet to see how far Fluttershy can take her stare. Can Derpy really go the distance against her? She may need to last five minutes, fifteen minutes even, and I’m not convinced she can do that against Fluttershy here today, Bob.”
“I gotta say Jim, I don’t think you’re giving Derpy enough credit here. She has gone against some fantastic starers through this competition and she came out against them all with flying colors. Look at this mare, she doesn’t even sweat! Many of the starers who were projected to break Fluttershy’s legacy were in Derpy’s bracket, and in case you forgot, she trounced them all! She even bored Twilight, the Princess Twilight, to blink out of their match. To do that to somepony who reads for a living, that takes skill, Jim. You’re hearing me, right?”
“I hear you, Bob, but I still gotta go with Fluttershy. Like Derpy, she too trounced her competition but in a hundredth of the time. That and with three Golden Eyes under her lashes, Derpy is going to have to push herself hard just to compete. She impressed many ponies—myself included—but I don’t think what she has is enough.”
“And with that, it looks like we’re just about ready, folks. Fluttershy and Derpy have entered the ring and are facing each other, eyes closed, awaiting the official’s cue.”
“Alright, listen up you two. I want a clean match from the both of you. No proddin’, no pointin’, and no joke tellin’. You got that? Now, good luck to you both. Three... two... one… STARE!”
“And we’re off, folks! Fluttershy opens up with an intense barrage right out of the gate, but Derpy isn’t flitching! You can already feel the intensity sparking between these two! I can barely watch, Jim!”
“Derpy has already lasted longer than ninety-percent of Fluttershy’s competition. I’d say we have a match here. Remember, this is for it all. The gold is on the line. The question is what are these two willing to give to claim it.”
“I’m glad I’m not down there, Jim. I’ve blinked at least twenty times already!”
“Something’s off, Bob. Actually, it Derpy.”
“We already talked about that, Jim.”
“Something different, Bob. Each match Derpy has stared in, she has always began with her right eye, but this time, she started with her left.”
“Why do you think that is, Jim?”
“I can’t say, Bob. Either way, make a note: with her left eye staring, her right eye is waiting as backup for when she needs it. Once her left eye needs to tap out, she’ll swap eyes and continue her stare with her fresh eye in its place. By doing that, she- ”
“Hold onto that, Jim, Derpy is straining to maintain eye contact right now! She’s is backing to her hindquarters! She’s going to need that backup eye right now ‘cause Fluttershy’s stare is just too much for her to handle!”
“If Derpy wants any chance in at the gold, she’s going to have to pull off that eye swap and soon. Remember, for her to successfully swap her eyes, she must maintain eye contact as she pulls her right eye into place. Only once her right eye has made contact can her left eye look away.”
“But can she do it, Jim? Can she do it under this much heat? I don’t think Fluttershy will let her!”
“Derpy’s going for it. She just has to move her other eye into contact.”
“She is shaking down there! I don’t know if she can get her eye to move! But she’s not giving up yet, folks! Derpy has come all this way to prove herself and she’s not going to back out now! She’s making progress. She almost has it! Come on, Derpy, You gotta get your eye in the game! It’s all on the line! And… and…. She has it! Her eyes are swapped! Derpy has swapped her eyes!”
“And her left eye drops immediately. But now that it’s done its job, the question is if Derpy can hold her stare long enough for Fluttershy to tire out and blink in concession.”
“I don’t know, Jim. Fluttershy is maintaining her stare as if the match had just begun. Her glare has not wavered in the slightest!”
“She’s like a statue, Bob.”
“A menacing statue, Jim. Regardless, Derpy appears to have regained her composure and is far from bowing out of this competition! And if Derpy can maintain her fortitude under this pressure, what can Fluttershy do against her, Jim? How can you win a staring contest against that which does not blink? If this approach doesn’t work for Fluttershy, what other option does she have? She may just tire herself out of the match.”
“I wouldn’t count Fluttershy out yet, Bob. Derpy is once again on the back hoof. She is struggling to hold herself still. The official is watching her closely for a blink, but she has not broken eye contact yet.”
“She is sweating up a rainstorm down there! It’s tempting to wipe it off, but that’ll only distract you more. You have to give your opponent your full and undivided focus.”
“But you don’t want to focus too hard, Bob; especially against a competitor like Fluttershy. Stare into her eyes too much and you’ll just wear yourself out into blinking. It’s a tricky balance between attentiveness and lenience that I don’t think Derpy has mastered with both of her eyes just yet.”
“It’s gotta be tough keeping balance when your strategy is so unbalanced. But wait! Jim. Jim! Are my own eyes deceiving me?”
“They are not, Bob. Derpy is attempting to swap her eyes again; switching back to the left eye she started with.”
“This is unprecedented! Derpy invented the eye swap method in this very competition! Now she is about to attempt do the eye swap again! A double eye swap! I have never seen anything like this before, folks! This could be one to remember!”
“But is it even possible? Derpy’s trying to get her left eye up but it’s not moving. It may have already thrown in the towel.”
“You’re right, Jim. This ain’t looking good for Derpy. She has got to make contact with her left eye or she’s done for. Her right eye has done just about all it can do. She needs her left eye in place and now.”
“Uh oh. Derpy is squinting and squinting hard. That’s a bad sign in competitive staring. She’s put in a good effort here, but I’m afraid she’s running out of steam fast.”
“But she is not yielding yet, Jim! She is giving all she has right now! She knows this may be her one and only time in the finals! It’s now or never, and she is pushing herself one-hundred-and-ten-percent to the end!”
“I’m not so sure she can do it though. It looks like it’s too much for her to handle.”
“Wait! Woah! What’s this? Her eyes are open, folks! Wide open! She is giving her all! The strain is real, but so too is her determination! Can she do it? Can she get her eye in place? It’s almost there! Does she… she has it! Her left eye has made contact! She has done it! She has done the double eye swap!”
“Actually, she’s not swapping, Bob.”
“She’s not?”
“No, look. Derpy is staring with both of her eyes against Fluttershy. She’s not dropping her tired eye out, she’s reinforcing it with her other eye.”
“Fluttershy remains undeterred! She’s got the same unrelenting stare that she started with! Knowing what’s on the line, neither of these two are willing to back down! They are going ‘til their last! I can’t handle this, Jim! My eyes are popping out of their sockets! In all my years of competitive staring contest casting, I have never seen a match this intense!”
“It’s not everyday you see staring match with ponies like these two, Bob.”
“The intensity is so immense that you could bake a cake between these two! There is so much at stake and they both know it! Neither of them is going to be the one who blinks-”
“Whoa-”
“Hold up! Fluttershy’s head just jerked over there for a second. She brought it back, but... she is not looking too hot, Jim. She is stumbling back and forth right now.”
“She looks dizzy, Bob.”
“But Fluttershy still has her eyes on the prize. She is not going to look away! But can she sustain herself to the end?”
“She may, Bob, because Derpy is struggling herself. She may be standing in place, but her legs have gone stiff. She could collapse any moment.”
“This is down to the wire, folks! One of them going to win this and it won’t be long now! They won’t stop until the other- they’ve hit the ground! They’ve both hit the ground! Eye contact has been broken! I repeat, eye contact has been broken!”
“But who broke eye contact first? Highlight, can we get a replay of this?”
“Yeah, let’s see what an instant replay has to say to us…. Okay? And…. Ohhh! Fluttershy broke eye contact first! Derpy Hooves has won it! I can’t believe it! Derpy Hooves has won it! The crowd is going wild!”
“What a match, Bob. These two pushed themselves to the floor before either of them would give in. We couldn’t have asked for a better matchup than these two.”
“I gotta commend them both, Jim. They gave their all, and that gave us a spectacular performance that is sure to go down in staring contest history.”
“Fluttershy’s raw force against Derpy’s mixups; you don’t see that everyday, Bob. This may redefine the world of competitive staring as we know it.”
“It brings a tear to my eye, Jim, and not just because they’re kinda sore after that match, but because we witnessed something amazing here today. You know what I mean?”
“I think I do, Bob.”
“I’m going to need a break after this one, folks. But first, to put the spotlight on our victor, let’s head down to the field for a quick interview from our spotlight, Spotlight. Spotlight...”
“...Thanks Bob. I’m here with the newest Ponyville Staring Competition champion, Derpy Hooves. Derpy, that was amazing. How did you pull it off?”
“Well… gee. I don’t know? I guess I just thought... hey, I’ve got two eyes... why not use both of them?”
“This win must be very special to you. Tell me, what is on your mind right now?”
“I… I just don’t know what went right?”
“Neither does anypony else, Derp... whoops! She’s being carried off by the crowd. Afraid that’s all I’ll get out of her for now. Back to you, Bob...”
“...Thanks Spotlight. What a match, eh Jim.”
“Indeed, Bob. I have never seen so much effort poured into a staring contest prior to this one. Everypony take note: these two are top class starers.”
“In a moment, we’ll return to our field reporter for a few words from the runner up. But first, Jim, what was the defining moment of the match?”
“It has to be when Derpy swapped her eyes a second time, to actually go full force into staring with both eyes at once. Normally, I wouldn’t think that’s an odd strategy, but Derpy did it like no pony has before. That mind game she played where we thought she would just swap a second time, but instead going full offense when Fluttershy was least expecting it. That one moment was all Derpy needed to close out the win. All credit to Fluttershy though. She put in a strong game with that constant pressure she’s known for. But it appears that her fury was no match for Derpy’s mixups this time.”
“It would seem so, Jim. And with us once again is Spotlight with Fluttershy, the runner up. Spotlight...”
“...Hello again, Bob. I’m here with Fluttershy who just took part in one of the most intense staring contests to date. Fluttershy, how are you holding up?
“Heh... I’m... okay.”
“You gave a great hustle in there, but what happened towards the end?”
“Well... I’m used to somepony staring with both of their eyes, but after I got used to Derpy staring at me with one eye... she then stared at me with both of her eyes, and each of them began alternating... in and out. It made me lightheaded and I fell over.”
“What are your thought’s on Derpy’s performance throughout this competition?”
“I’m proud of how far she’s come. Really. She pushed herself hard to get here, and I couldn’t be happier going up against somepony like her in the finals. I just… need to lie down for a while. Um... is there a reason that pony’s pointing that case at us?”
“What a good sport. You did a great in there, Fluttershy. Back to you, Bob...”
“...Thanks Spotlight. What sportsmareship, am I right? Well I suppose that does it for us folks. Make a note of today, because your going to find this match in the history books. I’ve been Bob.”
“And I’ve been Jim.”
“And tune into Equestrian Center next time for all of your horse sporting needs.”
Author's Note
A fun little idea I had that I'll be updating every so often with new sports and new competitors (commentated by Bob and Jim of course.)
Got an idea for a SPORT
or its competitors?
The more silly or entirely-made-up the better. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
Next up: Competitive Speed-Reading!
[Twilight vs Pinkie] - The ReadExtreme Speed-Reading Trials
“Thanks for tuning in with us, folks. We are just about to witness Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie go book-to-book in the ReadExtreme Speed-Reading with Meaning and Toned-down Feelings of which I am Deeming, Cleaning, will not be Competing... Competition. I’m Bob.”
“And I’m Jim. And it’s just called The ReadExtreme Speed-Reading Trials, Bob.”
“Just thought I’d add a bit of rhyme this time, Jim. I probably don’t have to warn our viewers out there, but there’s going to be a lot of reading happening.”
“Yes. For those unfamiliar with the sport of competitive speed-reading, what will happen here is Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie will each be given a pile of the same ten books. Neither of them have read these books before, so neither will know what to expect.”
“Remind me again how we know neither of them have read these books, Jim?”
“That’s because, Bob—and get ready for this—these are math-history-economic-law textbooks. You couldn’t pay a pony to read these blocks.”
“Not at a normal pace at any rate.”
“The first pony to have read all ten of their books, cover to cover, will be declared the winner of the ReadExtreme.”
“Today’s exhibition match will be taking place in Princess Twilight Sparkle’s castle library. Gotta ask Jim, you think there might be the slightest bit of home field advantage going on here?”
“Well Bob, it’s hard to have Twilight and library without a home field advantage. Though I suppose you’re right that this is a literal home advantage. It is no exaggeration to say that Twilight—in preparation for this competition no doubt—has slept here for at least the past few months.”
“Gotta admire that dedication. But not as much as you gotta admire the audacity of Pinkie Pie to challenge the princess of books and reading, at books and reading. I admire her gumption, but I don’t see how she stands a chance, Jim.”
“Don’t forget, Bob, this isn’t your typical reading: this is speed-reading. I agree that Pinkie Pie has an uphill climb ahead of her, but where Twilight is a pro in the reading, Pinkie may make up for that in the speeding. For all we know, she may have a trick up her sleeve that will win her this ReadExtreme today.”
“And with more on Pinkie’s tricks up her nonexistent sleeve, let’s head down to our spotlight on the action, Spotlight. Spotlight...”
“...Hey, Bob. As you can see behind me, Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie are just about ready to get this read-off underway. The official over there is giving one final check on their stack of books before they get going. I asked Pinkie Pie earlier today if she was going to bring something to the competition knowing she was going up against such a seasoned reader. She told me her plan was simple. She is going to put her face in the book. Just plop her face right there in the book. She called this her patented Face-book strategy. That along with copious amounts of sugar-loading before the competition. Back to you, Bob...”
“...Thanks Spotlight. Well Jim, that explains why she’s so jittery down there.”
“Pinkie may be too jittery, Bob. Remember that in speed-reading, you still have to read. Anything Pinkie misses reading she will have to go back and reread correctly. While energy is part of what separates the speed-readers from the everyday-readers, too much energy may only lead to mistakes. And given her competition, Pinkie can’t afford to make any mistakes.”
“Well there’s no questioning that Twilight has a greater experience in this field. What is worth questioning is if Pinkie’s strategy is really enough. Are jitters and Face-Book enough to beat the princess at her own game? Jim, we’re about to find out. Both competitors have snuggled up into prime reading positions right beside their stack of ten books, and are ready to go.”
“The official is giving them one final rundown before they begin. Also, we want to apologize that our sound equipment malfunctioned in transit and—save for Spotlight—we will be unable to hear the ruling on the floor as it happens. We will do our best to interpret what we can see from here.”
“It’s like they’re in a library, Jim. Shush! No noise allowed.”
“I suppose it’s only appropriate. We’ll keep in touch with our field reporter to stay up to date on the competition as it gets underway.”
“Actually it looks like they just started! Each of them have grabbed their first book and are zipping through pages now. Pinkie is bursting through hers at a rapid speed, while Twilight appears content to take a more relaxed pace. Gotta say, Jim, it’s quite mesmerizing watching their eyes go.”
“Try not to get lost in them, Bob. Also, can we get a closeup of their first book? I’d like to see their titles as we go…. Their first book appears to be... Twenty-Nine Uses of The Pegathagorus Theorem in the Court of Law. Oh boy. They don’t start easy with these, do they? That is a thick textbook.”
“You just gotta push through it, Jim. The slower you read, the more painful the book.”
“Now that we’re underway, Bob, I forgot to mention one advantage Twilight has in this competition.”
“What is that, Jim?”
“Her magic. Twilight can use her magic to levitate the next book off her stack to save her a few precious seconds over picking it up with her hooves as Pinkie will have to do.”
“So… are we talking like... a total of two seconds saved?”
“...Okay, it’s not much. But more importantly, she doesn’t need to use her hooves to flip pages. This can allow her to maintain her focus better on reading rather than keeping her hooves at the ready to flip each time she finishes a page.”
“I guess…. That does make the minutiae of page turning all the less time consuming. But honestly, Jim? Do you really think that’s going to make the difference here? I mean-”
“Just a sec, Bob. Twilight has put down her first book already. That was quick. She has immediately levitated her next book off the stack which is... How the Chain Rule and Financial Potholes Relate…. I don’t even want to know how, Bob.”
“Neither do I, Jim. But as I was saying, I’m tired of those sports columnists who like to complain about the so-called unicorn advantage: that is to say when a unicorn gains an unfair edge over other ponies in a sport through the use of their magic. They always point to small aspects, like page flipping, as evidence as to why unicorns seem to strive in certain competitions. But I gotta ask, really? Is that really gonna make a difference, Jim? I’ve heard a bunch of claims about the unicorn advantage, but personally, I don’t think it’s real.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I don’t. I don’t think the unicorn advantage exists.”
“Well in that case, what about the alicorn advantage? Or maybe the princess advantage? ‘Cause it appears Twilight has put down her second book while Pinkie is still struggling to get through her first. Pinkie’s initial speed has slowed down dramatically since the start.”
“Those twenty-nine uses will hold you up, Jim.”
“But do you think Twilight is not benefitting from using her magic here?”
“I didn’t say that, Jim. I said I don’t think the unicorn advantage exists in any relevant way. She may be benefitting from what her magic allows, but who knows if that method is costing her somewhere else? In the end, the better speed-reader will come out ahead. If Twilight happens to win, it’s because she’s the better speed-reader. Plain and simple.”
“That’s an interesting point, Bob. But regardless, Pinkie is gonna have to do something quick lest she fall prey to what I will call the Twilight advantage.”
“I think she’s just the better speed-reader, Jim. Nothing more to it. Pinkie was clearly outclassed here from the start.”
“And to drill-in that point, Twilight has just finished reading her third book, Optimism in the Depression, and has moved onto her fourth book, Calculus, A Limit Towards Infinity.”
“Infinity ain’t far enough between me and these books. But look at that! Pinkie solved how the Pegathagorus Theorem can be used in a court of law and has placed down her first book. I’m sure that information will be useful someday. Until then, she has now started on book two, How the Chain Rule… the chain rule one. But still, it’s not looking good for her, Jim. She already looks winded.”
“Indeed she does, and with nine books still to go. Unfortunately for her, competitive speed-reading is not known for its comebacks. Making up the distance of even a single book is nearly impossible to do, let alone two... now three books as Twilight lays down her fourth book and picks up her fifth.”
“The Fall of the Crystal Empire; A Lesson in Trickle-Down Economics. Yeesh. I don’t know how she does it, but Twilight makes this look like a light read! But before we trickle too far into this one, let’s take a moment to check in with our spotlight on how our speed-readers are doing. Spotlight...”
“...Bob, I am here witnessing what has to be one of the most one-sided speed-reading comp… heh, ‘what has to be one of the most won…’ erm… anyway. I chatted with Twilight earlier before the competition got underway asking if she was nervous about the upcoming ReadExtreme. She told me it would be no sweat since she regularly reads twenty books on a Saturday over tea, before noon, while she brushes her teeth…. How she brushes her teeth and drinks tea, I will never know. But she practically cracked-up laughing when she heard there would only be ten books here today. Bob...”
“...Thanks, Spotlight. That princess, Jim… she’s an egghead.”
“Tell me Bob, It was because of all these books that you decided to get into sportscasting, right?”
“Exactly. Who has time to read these days?”
“Apparently Twilight does as she lays down her fifth book already.”
“Actually, that was her sixth book, Financial WOAHS of the Neighteen-Hundreds. She just picked up her seventh book... When the Quadratic Formula Wiped Trottingham Off the Map…. Who writes this drivel, Jim?”
“Heh. Well, uh… I’m sure whoever wrote it is quite the, um… oh hey look! Pinkie Pie finished her second book and has moved onto Optimism in the Depression.”
“But does that book have enough optimism for her? She is still four books behind Twilight.”
“Indeed. For those of you just tuning in, Pinkie Pie has just finished two books to Twilight’s six- scratch that, seven books. Twilight has just started her eighth book out of ten.”
“The Cottage Bubble; Economic Crisis or Mathematical Adventure? Just when you think they can’t get any worse! Great Celestia, not even a bonfire would want these books!”
“Yes Bob, speed-reading is an art, but competitive speed-reading is brutality. Once you get to the big leagues, there’s no such thing as an easy read. It just goes to show: if you want to enter the ReadExtreme, you best have the endurance of a buffalo and the tolerance of a bro-”
“Hold up! Pinkie just put down her third book. She’s not giving up yet- wait, wait… no... oh dear. She was so focused on her own books that she hadn’t noticed Twilight’s finished stack of seven books yet. Jim, that cannot feel good to see.”
“Well Bob, it’s like Pinkie said, you just gotta put your face in the book. If she has to go down, she might as well go down reading. It does seem Twilight is slowing down a bit though. Actually, she’s looking quite confused down there. This may be the break Pinkie needs, though I can’t tell for sure what’s going on from here. Spotlight, can you give us an update?”
“...Sure can, Jim. It appears in reading The Cottage Bubble, Twilight is caught up on an analogy about a pie chart and a mortgage having a debate about horseshoe prices at a carrot-dog stand. I mean, clearly that doesn’t make any sense, right? Why would a pie chart care about horseshoes?”
“...Thanks for the update, Spotlight. Well Bob, seems like that may hold her up. A good tip for any aspiring speed-readers out there is to practice breezing past any random analogies you come across. Kinda like those pitfalls you find while trotting across the desert in autumn. Yeah, just like those. Better just to avoid them.”
“In other words, when you come across an analogy pitfall, it’s best not to read into it.”
“… … … That was good one, Bob.”
“Thanks, Jim.”
“But it seems Twilight has moved past that conundrum and is onto her ninth book already... Bigone Biweekly Bisections of Biology.”
“I don’t know how any of this bi-lates anymore, Jim.”
“Hopefully more than that pie chart did, Bob. But I’m afraid this competition was a foregone conclusion from the start. With just two books to go, Twilight has nearly wrapped up this ReadExtreme, leaving Pinkie Pie on the waiting list.”
“Not even the Dewey Decimal System could save Pinkie now. As I said earlier, I don’t know how she stood a chance here. Though to her credit, against Twilight, who would have? And I know ponies will bring it up, but I don’t want to hear anything about the unicorn advantage or the alicorn advantage or the princess… whatever advantage. All that’s happening here is simple. Twilight has played a fair game that she was unintentionally training for all her life. Not even Pinkie’s jitters are enough to compete with that.”
“Yep. Even as Pinkie Pie lays down her fourth book, Twilight picks up her tenth and final book: Money Mattress; Comfortable Appreciation…. I suppose that’s an appropriate title considering Twilight’s comfortable lead.”
“Easy there, Jim. Don’t make me complement your quips! Though I gotta hand it to Pinkie here. She has only sped up as the competition has gone on. Like a true athlete, she pushes herself to the brink, even when the match has long been decided.”
“It’s not every day you see a competitor push herself this hard when she is this far behind.”
“It is impressive to see, Jim.”
“Pinkie Pie even manages to put down her fifth book. But with five books still to go, Twilight Sparkle places Money Mattress on top of her finished pile and takes the win. I’d like to say I was surprised, Bob, but I’m afraid that was as expected as it could be.”
“I’d say one surprising outcome of this match was that Pinkie actually managed to make it halfway through her stack of books against the reading legend herself. If we could just stuff two Pinkies together, then perhaps it would have been a close match.”
“If you want to look at it that way, Bob. But really, who’s to say? Twilight had this in the bag from the start. Who knows if she was even trying?”
“At any rate, lets check in once again with our field reporter on the spot. Any final thoughts, Spotlight?”
“...Why would a pie chart care about horseshoes? That makes no sense!”
“...And I suppose that concludes this ReadExtreme. I’ve been Bob.”
“And I’ve got to stop you right there, Bob. There is some commotion going on between Twilight and the official down there.”
“Wait, why? Didn’t the official call it already? Twilight won.”
“I thought so, but...”
…
“Hold up! Bob, I’ve got what’s going on.”
“What is going on, Jim? Twilight won this already?”
“But she didn’t. Look there, where the official’s pointing.”
“At Money Mattress? I don’t see why… oh…. Oh no! Twilight’s tenth book has a page missing! The last page is missing! She technically has not finished reading Money Mattress. The competition is still going!”
“Twilight is furious with the official, but he refuses to declare her the winner. Not until she finishes reading the final page of her tenth book. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie has kicked into overdrive. She has already sped through her sixth book and is on her seventh as we speak.”
“This is unprecedented! Twilight is tossing her books everywhere right now in search of that missing page. She has to find it before Pinkie overtakes her in what could become the biggest upset in competitive speed-reading history! Jim! Is this really happening right now?”
“It is Bob. The rules clearly state that a book can only be considered read if the reader has read through every single page. I don’t know how, but there’s a page missing from Money Mattress and Twilight has to read it in order to take victory in this ReadExtreme.”
“Money Mattress, what have you done? Pinkie has just nailed down her eighth book and is onto her ninth!”
“Twilight is emptying every shelf in her library in search of that missing page. I don’t know, Bob, this is just making a bigger mess to sort through.”
“But it’s what she has to do, Jim! She needs to find that page to wrap this up and she’s running out of time to do it! Pinkie has just laid down her ninth book and has cracked open her own copy of Money Mattress, her tenth and final book! This is it! It’s now or never Twilight! Where is that page?”
“Pinkie Pie is practically vibrating at the speed she’s reading right now. She’s almost finished.”
“Wait! There it is! Twilight found the page!”
“Pinkie Pie slapped down her last book. She is done.”
“Oh no! Pinkie was too late! She couldn’t quite wrap it up before Twilight found her missing page. Jim, you can see the disappointment on Pinkie’s face. She was this close!”
“Hold on, Bob. Twilight found her missing page before Pinkie Pie finished, but Twilight hasn’t read that page yet.”
“Wait. you don’t mean…”
“I think…”
“Pinkie won? Pinkie Pie won? Did Pinkie Pie seriously just take the win? I can’t believe it! In a challenge against the reading princess herself, Pinkie Pie has reigned victorious in this ReadExtreme! Folks! Jim! I am speechless right now!”
“Apparently so are the competitors, Bob. Neither of them are celebrating. Rather, they both look... upset.”
“That’s… odd. It seems the official is giving them some conflicting messages down there. Spotlight, are you getting any of this?”
“...It doesn’t make any sense!”
“...Spotlight!”
“...Oh hey, Bob. Yes it seems the official claims that neither competitor has finished their ten books. In fact, the official claims neither competitor has finished their first book.”
“...Huh. Your right, Spotlight. That... doesn’t make any sense.”
“...No, it makes perfect sense, Bob. The official claims that they were never speed-reading, but instead were actually speed-skimming. It doesn’t disqualify them, but Twilight and Pinkie would have to start back from book one and neither one wants to do… heh, ‘book one and neither won….’ Uh, but... I must admit Bob, this is the first event I’ve reported on where both competitors feel cheated. And I don’t know how, but I feel cheated by that pie chart. Doesn’t make sense, Bob...”
“...Thanks, Spotlight. You’re one of a kind. Now... I gotta say, Jim, with calls like this, I don’t think there’s a future for the sport of competitive speed-reading.”
“Well the point here, Bob, is that neither of them were technically reading. If they were reading, we’d have a winner.”
“No, they were reading. We saw what happened down there. That official doesn’t know squat!”
“Regardless, I’m afraid that there won’t be a winner of The ReadExtreme Speed-Reading Trials today. Both competitors seem to have agreed to forfeit rather than start the match over again; of which, I can’t blame them. Save for maybe one, those books don’t hold much value in rereading them.”
“Jim, the winner was Pinkie and we all know it. She finished reading first.”
“Oh come on, Bob. Twilight was one page away from winning. One page. She’s clearly the better speed-reader here; which you claimed the winner should be.”
“But Jim, think of the story if Pinkie won this. This match would go down in history had that happened.”
“You’re always for the underdog, Bob. Look, if Pinkie Pie had won, it would have been because of a ridiculous play call by the official. It was exciting while it happened, but one page shouldn’t count when your five books ahead.”
“Who knows, Jim? Even if there are rarely comebacks, that doesn’t mean they can’t happen. What can I say? I’d love to be there when it does.”
“Well, there shouldn’t have been a comeback in this match, Bob.”
“Yeah, maybe. Regardless, I do think there is one thing we can agree on.”
“Yeah?”
“The official is the one to blame here.”
“I completely agree, Bob. What a poor representation of moderation on the part of the official.”
“Just look at him; he doesn’t even care! He didn’t even once let the competitors know they were speed-skimming as he claims they were.”
“Not to mention he checked and double-checked their books and didn’t catch the missing page ahead of time.”
“You know what? I’m curious if he actually did notice the missing page but didn’t do anything about it. Something about him. He just seems like the kind of pony who would do that.”
“I’d be curious if somepony didn’t take legal action against him for this sheer display of negligence.”
“You think somepony would?”
“Maybe. All I’m saying is that if he’s taken to court over this, he better know how to use the Pegathagorus Theorem.”
“Tuh. Well on that note. I’ve been Bob, he’s been Jim, and we’re done here. ‘Til next time, folks.”
Book List:
1) Twenty-Nine Uses of The Pegathagorus Theorem in the Court of Law - by Sea Squared
2) How the Chain Rule and Financial Potholes Relate - by Quantum Bracket
3) Optimism in the Depression - by Up’n Down
4) Calculus, A Limit Towards Infinity - by Coplanar Tangent
5) The Fall of the Crystal Empire; A Lesson in Trickle-Down Economics - by Slippery Slope
6) Financial WOAHS of the Neighteen-Hundreds - by Stinkin’ Rich
7) When the Quadratic Formula Wiped Trottingham Off the Map - by Play-by-Play
8) The Cottage Bubble; Economic Crisis or Mathematical Adventure? - by Derpy Hooves
9) Bigone Biweekly Bisections of Biology - by Binocular, inventor of the Bilingual Bipedal Bicycle
10) Money Mattress; Comfortable Appreciation - by Davenport of Quills and Sofas
Author's Note
Next time on the ReadExtreme Speed-Reading Trials... ReadExtreme: FanFic Edition
(Well okay, I've got other ideas to write first.)
Up next: The Ship It 'Til You Win It Round 1 Qualifiers!
Sponsored by Hay Shack.
