Equestria Girls: Dark Assault

by Verbose Mode

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Equestria Girls, Comedy, King Sombra
Length: 1317

A great darkness from Equestria has invaded the human world via the mirror portal, ready to unleash it's evil magic. Or so it thinks.

King Sombra has invaded the human world via the mirror portal, ready to unleash his evil magic.

Things go poorly.

I blame the Rage Review's Skype chat.

Satire of the usual dark-and-edgy stuff, if you couldn't tell. Poe's law, and all. I refuse to give this any more attention. No editing, no effort, no f***s given.

Published 2015-12-09 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-09 03:50:01 UTC

"erraverim"

The red piece of necromantic bone tumbled through the surface of the mirror and out onto the cold, artificial stone in front of the school, a tiny ruby of evil in the night. The pony who's mind had been controlled on the other side was released, confused and wondering how she had gotten to where she was.

The fragment of horn bubbled with malevolent magic, drawing in the essence of shadow and darkness to it, writhing and boiling as it grew and took form. The towering shape a man cut a black shadow across the courtyard, ebony armor glinting in the moonlight, blood-red cape stirring in an unseen and unheard breeze.

King Sombra, Lord of Shadow, was restored.

The Dark Lord took a moment to examine his new body and surroundings. The bipedal stance was of little consequence, he had his magic and shadow-powers to fly if he had any trouble. Clouds rolled in from the horizon as he stepped to the grand building in front of him.

At his approach, the entrance opened and a slim, feminine figure in deep blue stepped out.

"Excuse me, sir? I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Lord Sombra allowed himself a smile, baring his teeth at the foolish creature's petulance. A surge of his magic created a flash and rumble of lightning in the skies above. "Your request is denied, mortal. Tell me, what is the name of this location?"

The female blinked slowly. "You are currently standing in front of Canterlot Municipal High School. I am vice-Principal Luna Jubilaus, and this is your last warning. Turn around, march your armored rear back through that portal to wherever you came from, or else."

That prompted a large laugh from Lord Sombra. A glorious laugh as the heavens roared and icy rain began to fall.

Vice-Principal Luna crossed her arms and tapped a foot. "You're not going to leave willingly. Of course, just like the rest. Well then."

"FOOL! I AM KING SOMBRA!" He threw his arms wide, summoning dark fire to his clawed hands as he swept up to tower over her. "I wield powers beyond your puny comprehension, insolent waif! You cannot hope to challenge me! I will rip away all you hold dear, your people will be but slaves to-"

"Ahem."

Vice-Principal Luna glanced pointedly at one of the dark lord's hands. He looked over to see two things he did not expect.

The first was the piddily black flame in his palm where a glorious pillar of writhing arcane energy should have been. The second was the fist of the ‘upstart waif’ in front of him, arcing around to connect very firmly with his shnoz. He stumbled back, stars bursting behind his eyes as he held his nose and gave a muffled howl.

"So much magic on theatrics, mister. That's not exactly efficient in this world, when magic is a highly limited resource." Principal Luna noted, rubbing her wrist. "Feeling a little drained? Manipulating the weather can't be all that easy, and those flashy flames looked like they took a lot."

"Why, you insolent-!" Lord Sombra threw a hand forward, sickly purple magic pouring from his eyes. "Suffer in your worst nightmares!"

Luna blinked slowly as her eyes tinted green, then faded. "Ooh, I got a chill down my spine, although that might have been the rain. I'm going to hit you again."

"What?"

She hit him again.

"YEAAAAAARGH!"

"Much more effective. You really ought to try blocking." Principal Luna bounced playfully from toe to toe, fists raised.

"I WILL END YOU, YOU-WAAAAAOOF!" Sombra's lunge toward Luna resulted in her stepping neatly to the side and hooking a hand under his armpit, one leg cutting under his foot. The Dark Lord of the Crystal Empire skidded up the stairs on his chestplate and chin. "Owwww..."

"Quite. Are you done? I'm the two-time regional woman's judo champion, I can do this all night."

"Luna?" A new voice called.

Luna turned to see Principal Celestia puttering toward them on her motorscooter. "Ah. Good morning, Sister. Another one fell through, again with delusions of tyranny. How did you know to come and check on me?"

"And you thought it would be funny to smack it around a bit?" Celestia pulled her riding helmet helmet off as the rain petered out and began rummaging around in her bag, holding up her phone for a moment. "Sunset modified the sensor she and Twilight installed on the statue to send me a text if it goes off. Do you have one of their little devices?"

Luna nodded, showing her slightly oversized and gaudy wristwatch as Sombra tried to stand up. "Of course. It's been draining his magic every time he tries to use it, I imagine he's completely exhausted by now. He stopped after the brainwashing attempt."

"You... dare... challenge..."

"To be completely honest, it doesn't look like it was much of a challenge, mister... ah...?" Celestia looked between them pointedly.

"Sombra, was it?" Luna asked. “By-the-by, your rain is stopping.”

"I... am KING Sombra..." staggering to his feet, he reared at the top of the steps to his full and imposing height, "and I will rip that blasphemous device from your limb with my bare claws if-"

He was interrupted the distinctive clicking of high-voltage capacitors rapidly discharging in sequence and the related beam of said voltage arcing to him.

A look that could only be the result from a large amount of electricity running through one's body plastered on his face, Lord Sombra keeled over, sliding back down the slick, wet stairs rather stiffly. Luna blinked and looked at Celestia, who was holding out a heavy, complicated-looking device with a gun-like grip on the side and a glowing targeting scope on top.

"What was that?"

"I have no idea, something the girls made to stop eldritch abominations coming through the portal. That was the 'Warning' setting."

"We've tried warnings, what's the next setting?"

"Umm..." Celestia checked one of the knobs on the back of the device. "'Restrain.' There is also 'Banish,' 'Immolate,' 'Condemn' and 'H.A.R.M.O.N.Y'... I wonder what that does?"

Luna aimed a sharp kick at the downed Lord of Shadow as he groaned and tried to stand. "I was about to come home, can we skip to Banishment? That sounds like it would solve our problem quickly."

Celestia shrugged, turning a knob. "I really should ask what 'H.A.R.M.O.N.Y' does before I get tempted to try using it. Knowing Miss Sparkle's design safety measures, it's liable to trigger the heat death of the universe. Banish-laser it is."

Tired of being ignored, King Sombra lunged to his feet with an inhuman roar, ready to shred his tormentors. “YOU WILL SUFFER MY WRATH, I WILL REDUCE YOU TO GIBBERI-”

After a faint whine of stressed electronics from the mystery box, King Sombra vanished mid-lunge and mid-rant with a faint "pop."

"Oh dear. That was anticlimactic." Principal Celestia said, shutting the device down and placing it back in her shoulderbag. Luna stepped up behind her and sat on the back of the scooter, shrugging tiredly.

"We ought to talk to Miss Shimmer and Sparkle tomorrow about security with a portal on the premise. A way to vet those crossing over, perhaps..." Luna mused.

"And find a way to keep better tabs on them, especially if they are making weapons-grade magical devices." Celestia started the scooter, puttering back around the courtyard and onto the street. "You know, from Sunset on, everyone that deals with portal magic has had something in common..."

"Suicidal overconfidence?" Luna suggested.

"However did you guess?"

“It’s a bit of a pattern.”

Author's Note

I refuse to regret this.

I don't think I've written anything this dumb in my life. And I'm counting the story about spacegoing quail from the fifth grade.

EDIT: ~~Nobody's gotten the chapter title yet... Internet, I am disappoint.~~ Thanks, FanOfMostEverything.