MAD: You can't cure stupid.

by Mcmuffinator

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Drama, Romance, Adventure, Science Fiction
Length: 4118

MAD. That is what he has been since the day he was born. He trained to be better at it. He tempered his mind, to accept it. For one man whose life was MAD, he shall struggle against those who simply refuse to accept that can't cure stupid.

He was MAD. That's all he needed to understand, since that was all he was ever meant to have. Locked away with the worse of the worst without ever having been given the chance to commit his own, he along with those like him spend their days waiting for the one thing they were put there for.

A prison break.

Taken from a universe of technological wonder to a single world of a far slower pace, the man shall struggle to lie his way through their way of life. A better one, according to the ponies who live there, than one held together by something as stupid as MAD. So when an entire culture seems hell bent on convincing you just how stupid you were, nothing compares to when they realize just how stupid you really are. Cause you can't cure what you are, but you can sure as hell get more creative at it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-10 19:40:02 UTC

MAD's first step: No one will notice

Mutually assured destruction. Or MAD, for short.

For humans, whom always questioned such doctrine, it wasn't until the expanse of their realm opened before them to the wonder of many other civilizations that they would finally find an answer. That not only would such insanity span the cosmos in far greater destructive thresholds, but even through broader everyday life.Eager to learn, hard to let go of a grudge, humans would soon adapt or perish under the perception turned fact.

They were a one world minority.

So, naturally, MAD. Right? They had one tiny little planet, and if the day they found out they were no longer alone taught them anything it was that some asshole might just come and steal your moon. Why? Because nothing you can do about it. Even as half a world watched in horror as almost half a world worth perished in the aftermath of what would later be laughed off as but a non-consequence, they were finally understanding what it is to be truly MAD.

But it is one thing to watch lightning strike and make fire, and another entirely to be able to do it yourself. Turns out those moon grabbing bastards had been busy for quite some time, and like the guy who shows up after you just got your ass handed to you, the Moonless Coalition's MAD was still better than something stupid like AD. So beaten and battered, but eager to get a little payback, humanity jumped into the fray that held the known universe tighter than a black hole.

Black holes. Silly humans. Those are called prisons.

In what would embrace another form of MAD so enamored that should any within dare question it's hold the entire eggshell of a pocket dimension may simply implode and erase all within. Or at least, what was the idea. With galactic prisoners keeping watch over others just as dangerous, each prison would only house a few guards that were no less subject to it's harsh reality than the coldest killer. But with monsters guarding other monsters, it would be up to the guards in case any did escape to prevent it's greatest threat from spreading.

"Sure glad you think I actually have any choice in the matter." The man, standing before the cackling sludge like creature shackled and imprisoned in a force field reinforced container, presses a few more buttons on the center front keypad. "You made a hole."

A hole. That's all there was to it for the man who stands unaffected by the sludge creature's thrashing and roars of contempt to it's reestablished fate. His choices were simple, as there were none. If he didn't seal the rupture on his end, then the prison would collapse and be violently pulled through, causing a catastrophic reaction. He couldn't go back, because it just wouldn't last.

"Stay? You, here?" The man laughs to the idea. "So you can get bored and find new ways to destroy everything you see?"

The creature didn't need a name, just a number. It wasn't too large, even almost minuscule, if they were to go by the ancient numeric of the man's own people who most have chosen to abandon. But the only way to be sent to pocket dimension prison is to reach the first digit, and this creature had a sequence five long. It couldn't stay here, because it just wouldn't last.

"They're planning to kill you as soon as you get back." The man's solemn words secure only harsher thrashing and snarled threats of a tongue he just couldn't reciprocate. Finishing the key sequence on the pad front and center, he steps back just as purple arcs of energy strike and lash outwards in all directions.  "Good luck!"

Humming so loud that he begins to feel what he hears, he dares not look away even as the snap of imploding air pelts his face with specs of debris from the cavern floor. Enveloped in darkness once more, he continues to stand in the deafening silence.

"Especially since I fused the locks on your restraints, you son of a bitch."

Taken in by the rush, like a chill down his back, he seems no less capable of seeing what lays before him even if he was never born to be able. The dark stone that had held strong during their conflict now lay broken and cratered, but no less appreciated for having kept the prisoner from escaping any farther. Ignoring the splash of liquid below his feet now risen up to his ankles, he simply cannot help but let one knee fall when finally close enough to give that which is owed much, a helping hand.

"You never told me how you all handle this kind of stuff." The man nods. "But I guess you wouldn't know, either."

The man reaches down to the first of two arms on either side, careful to lift and fold onto the center mass. Doing so three more times, he finally hobbles down farther in order to slide his forearms underneath before heaving upwards with a loud upturn of water. Paying no heed to the heavy mass in such a small frame, he simply looks around the darkened cavern filling with water for a possible exit.

"So I'm going to be honest with you, which is something I hate doing because It always leads to drinking!" The man talks loud, even chuckles, to no one who could properly answer. Swirling about until something finally catches his eyes, which now bristle with bright blue light, he finally moves forward for the first time in his entire life. "Been in prison all my life, like you. So I don't know what we're supposed to do."

Approaching what seems to be just another solid wall of rock, it is the small bleeding cracks that interests the man. With the bright blue in his eyes flickering as if in rapid activity, he guides his vision to the deep left and then gradually upwards. Forced to lift his head so not to impede his visioned train of thought, his ample nodding gives way to him moving back towards the farther wall.

Setting the crystallized four armed figure back down, in gentle lean against the wall, the man stands back up and walks back over towards the bleeding wall. Stretching his arm directly out from his side, a small metallic cylinder shoots out from the underside of his forearm up into his now clenched hand. Twisting his wrist, the cylinder shoots forth blue electric arcs from both ends into a bo staff just under his own height of six feet. Twisting once more to let one end swing down into the water below, the electricity only grows in intensity.

Traveling all through the water laced cavern, and even up and through the entirety of the man's body, nothing is spared the tendrils of blue electricity snapping and crackling in abandon. Bringing the pole into a slow but steady twirl between his fingers, his eyes never leaves the wall as the staff begins to disappear to the whirl of a blue haze forming in it's place. Pulsating in brilliance and hum, volatile droplets of shimmering liquid begin to rise and pulse to the same heartbeat of a man finally afforded a chance to speak from it.

If only he knew what he was supposed to say.

So just as it began did it all come to fall back down. Whirling back down to the light patter of drizzle across the shin high lagoon that continues to fill their current tomb, the man finds himself secluded once more in pitch darkness both in and out.

"Got to thinking." The man's venture betrayed by the whoosh of water that voices echoed fail to conceal. "Never sat well with me, the things they said we would have done if left on our own. How they saved us from turning out bad by never giving us the chance to."

The man raises his left arm, letting the palm of his open hand touch the cold wet wall. Pressing harder, to no progress to be had, he simply begins to swivel his have back and forth as solid wall gives way to something far less profound.

Sandstone.

Rearing back with with far less energy gathered into his metallic staff, he stabs it forth much like a spear into the center mass of brittle sediment before him. Met with a no less humble display of progress, he repeats the process several more times as larger and larger chucks are broke away. Noticing the ever increasing bleed of water, he halts his latest assault half thrust.

Walking back over towards his four armed crystallized comrade, he kneels forward to press his left shoulder into it's upper abdomen, holding his arm behind it's back before heaving them both up. Bobbing down and then back up until comfortably firm, he then goes back to where he had once stood before the slowly crumbling sandstone. With water beginning to gush out in small horizontal geysers in ever increasing streams, it only exasperates farther when several vibrating impacts ripple the water below the man's water dredged knees.

"But you and me, we're in it together. You died for it, and I'm going to have to live with it. You'll just have to sit and be patient until I get myself killed and we can go over how all of this was supposed to have gone, cause I sure as hell ain't got a clue."

Twirling the bo staff for a few seconds to make good on his intended finale, blue energy drags through the air like a firefly on it's collision into the sediment wall. Refusing to concede to the cold eruption of liquid that roars like a waterfall into the cavern, the man leans forward until equalization has finally had it's fill for the newly created aquifer.

Taking one last look around, the man's glowing blue eyes flicker to the air bubbles that gurgle out from underneath his heels. Turning back forward, small vibrations impact with each heel forward. Slow but dutiful, he dredges through the watery passage into an eventual incline that becomes ever more difficult as hard sediment begins to shift into slippery mud. Forced to slam his staff down as a third leg less he slip back down the dark abyss, he eventually finds himself leveling off just before the first hairs on his head find air once again.

"Gaaarrrbbb-!"

Shooting forth into the life giving air, the man knee splatters down hard onto the mud as the chill of life giving air desperately tries to breach the water rushing back out in his coughing fit. Somehow keeping his grip over his shoulder, he continues to cough and gag with no free hand to wipe away what stings his eyes. Brought into his current dilemma through his own idiocy, he gasps in just enough air to laugh himself into another.

"Ack! Hah..." The man spits and slowly recollects himself, still anchored by one knee in the mud. "Like I said, just be patient."

Rising yet again from the muck, eyes flickering alive with orange brilliance as he turns his head to his surroundings, he finds his current position in the drained basin nothing impeding. Turning in place to give the entirety a once over, it is what his eyes shouldn't see that holds his all.

"Hot damn is this place alive." His quick shifts of attention to certain directions linger longer than others. "Definitely not random concentrations." Cussing underneath his breath at only himself. "There's one only a few miles away."

First step. Blast far enough through sediment far weaker than assumed and kill a whole bunch of indigenous beings.

"Well. No one needs to know." Looking around the drained basin once more. "Least no one cares about something like this."

Applejack's Lament : Pond stealing rascals!

Earth Ponies. Hearty, stout, and grounded like the largest mountain west of Canterlot. For what they lacked in magic or soaring grace they made up for in good old fashioned determination and grit, along with enough stamina to see it through day and night if need saw fit.

Savants of the earth, and for one Earth Pony named Applejack, she took pride in such a fancy title even if she dare never admit.

"Hmm mmm mhm."

Much the same way she would never openly comment on how darn happy she was to see every apple tree in the orchard plucked clean by the end of each and every season. A family tradition for a family that prides itself on doing it together, for the family.

"Always an exception for the extended family!" Applejack lauds with closed eyes and a wide grin as she trots through the farthest orchards, bouncing so much with each trot that her bobbing tail never touches the ground. "Still family. Still counts!"

But with the season's work finished and the never absent ache of overworked hooves throbbing with each trot, she desires only what a fancy pony like Rarity and her fancy spa could never hope to deliver. Bringing all her brushes and workings for a good old fashioned scrubbing the good old fashioned earth pony way, she needn't open her eyes for her hooves since just a little filly have always known the way.

Secluded to the other side of the farm that faces Ponyville, if she were ever to describe, she would use only one word.

Hers.

"W-wait up, sis!"

But exceptions are bound to be made.

Especially after little sis becomes just another hoof closer to becoming the mare shes always been destined to be. She had already grown so much in such a short amount of time, slowly creating a life outside the farm that may one day take her far away from it. Life was good, but like anything good, it has to eventually move on so you understand just how good it really was.

"Better get your hooves snapping, Apple Bloom!" Applejack tries her best to slow down but only succeeds in swaggering her hips instead, much to the shattered fence post from her whipping tail ball. "Aw, shoot. Oh well, just another thing to mend on a day not today!"

Snagged by the smell of moss, Applejack's trot quickly pushes into a full gallop. Somehow able to still balance the basket on her back while kicking up dirt and grass, she merely leaps into the air like a little closed eyes filly on the banks of her twenty acre basin.

"Sis!" Apple Bloom, still in full filly gallop, skids to a stop just in time before going off the cliff as well. "Sis, are you okay?!"

Staring down past the cliff, Apple Bloom fidgets and gallops in place before throwing caution to the wind as she too jumps down. Trying her best to land, but failing miserably, she instead rolls and slides down the thick smelly black pond muck until she collides muzzle to rump with her equally caked sister. Noticing no reaction whatsoever, fret turns to tears when Apple Bloom clamors and struggles to move.

"Sis!"

"Wha? Huh?" Applejack rouses from her unexpected nap. Having been far heavier, she had gone through the thin cushioning that had mostly protected her sister without any sort of brace in fall. "Apple Bloom? A-apple Bloom are you okay?!"

"I'm not the one that got knocked silly, darn it." Apple Bloom slinks through the muck to Applejack's head, pressing her own next to it as she tries to push off the mud. Even as her own nostrils threaten to close up, she continues to rub and smear away as she checks all over her big sister's head. Diligent in her work, she never fails to notice . "Don't be moving."

Doing as told, Applejack seems anchored by something far too heavy for such a little filly to have delivered.

"I must be a horrible sister." Applejack whispers.

"Now I know you knocked yourself good." Apple Bloom quickly looks eye to eye with her sister for the tell tale signs, only to instead freeze when she notices something more worrisome. "You're not a bad sister! I jumped down all on my own. I'm okay, okay?"

"I just never noticed you had a knack for this sort of mending stuff."

"Who do you think went and kept the cutie mark crusaders from being cutie mark martyrs?" Apple Bloom's attempt at humor, of a far harsher context for one her age, rewards her appropriately. "There you are."

"Apple Bloom. I don't want to hear you talking like that ever again!"

Apple Bloom holds her hoof out, with a more at ease smile. "Only if the best sis I could ask for agrees."

Meeting eye to eye, both caked so full of mud that Rarity would pass out and die were she to catch sight or smell, the apple sisters both begin to giggle and laugh. Erupting in far more earnest bellows, Applejack begins to climb to her hooves before taking a light hoof to the nose.

"Nuh-uh. I never said you could get up, and you still haven't shaken my hoof." Apple Bloom's giggles and wide smile evaporates like the sun under a fast approaching storm. "Don't make me tell Granny you think you're a bad apple."

"You wouldn't dare." Applejack rears back in surprise, hesitant but eventual in pressing her hoof against the much smaller one. "You can't go scaring an old gal like that. You know how Granny is. If she even gets a whiff of one of us being down, she does that... stuff."

"Hey, I like her hugs and snuggles!"

"You're a filly, that's what you're made for." As if for a little payback, Applejack bats a little mud off her hoof onto Apple Bloom. Not quite one to stop at just a tiny jab, she makes sure to follow up all proper. "Can always tell Big Mac you were crying."

"Are you crazy?!" Apple Bloom jumps back. "Granny's at least so old she can't almost hug you a goner!"

"Apple Bloom!"

"He can!"

"You shouldn't talk like that about your elders." Applejack lowers her head to even eyesight with Apple Bloom. "You hear?"

"Then why was it that one time I caught you dipping into the cookie jar you said it was okay because she couldn't catch you anymore?" Apple Bloom rubs the underside of her muddy muzzle with an equally muddy hoof. "Didn't she just sick big brother after you?"

"Still ain't never quite forgiven big brother for that day." Applejack snorts. "Dang traitor."

Erupting once more in laughter, the apple sisters hide just a little sorrow behind the coming of a change. As one still growing finally comes to understand the one she thought was done still had a long ways to go, she cannot help but wonder.

"Sure you don't mind?" Apple Bloom quickly notices the confusion. "About lil sis not being so little anymore?"

"You're always going to be my lil sis, Apple Bloom. Just like no matter what, we're always going to have a big brother." Applejack breaths in deep. "But I have to admit there is one thing that I do mind. Mighty so, can't help but admit."

"Hmm?"

"What in blazes happened to my darn water!" Applejack jumps to her hooves. Searching all around as she circles in place, slopping the muck over her sister and herself, she only grows more frustrated to the absence of any clue. "Can't just up and be gone."

Catching the slow struggle of her little sister, Applejack follows in pursuit as they both eventually make their way down towards the lowest center of the once large basin. Quick curiosity however is met with quicker apprehension as Applejack jumps in front of Apple Bloom.

"No farther, for you." Applejack affirms without sounding angry, but firm nonetheless.

"But what about you? That's a big hole!"

Not far, but now noticeably farther across than either had first expected, does the ground cave down into darkness that even the slanted sun cannot fully breach. With the chill flowing up and over the ponies, does a sense of foreboding to their current situation come to bare.

"I'll be mighty careful, but I don't want you getting too close and falling in." Applejack nods to herself before turning towards the wide expanse not far away, but not before something snags her tail. "Apple Bloom, I said I'll be careful."

"Let's just go back, k sis? We can get big mac and come back with some ropes and stuff."

"I think I'm old enough to check out a hole in the ground." Applejack snorts to the notion, otherwise.

"But I'm not big enough to pull you back out if you go and fall in!" Apple Bloom begins to plea. "Please? I got a bad feeling."

For the second time of the day, the apple sisters would find themselves in another tug of war over who leads in their ever shifting world. Not one to ever like being anchored on the whim, it is Applejack who finds herself most torn between what she wants to do and what she knows deep down she should. Distracted, but still perceptive, she looks around from afar for anything to help sway her hinged answer.

"Tracks?"

Tracks indeed, but none she would immediately recognize. Coming in down from the southern embankment turned cliff, it's travel down the steep thirty foot decline only encourages more confusion. Sunk down deep, each long but thin hole seems far too small for the amount of soil pushed aside, saturated or not. Running her vision along each imprint, she does so until they disappear down it's side of the abyss.

Brought to alert whether she commands it or not, her eyes focus and scan all around the emptied basin for what now only causes the hairs along her back to stand on end. Even turning her head back behind, up and farther past Apple Bloom, she can account only for their own less than graceful entry marks. Whipping her head back towards the only other set of tracks, the only thing needing made clear hits like a sledge.

It never left.

"Apple Bloom. The mud is too thick for you, and I don't want you to slip and get hurt in a tumble." Applejack's agreement to leave does little to set the filly's nerves at ease with a tone as flat as a running board. "Get on my back."

"But I thought you hated it when I used to do that?" Apple Bloom confusion finds only the eerily slow crouch of her sister for her to climb on just enough to cause her to clamor atop. Much like she would when she was smaller. "What's wrong?"

Walking backwards, eyes focused dead center upon the edge of their side of the chasm, Applejack disregards any and all fallen from her basket on her slow dredge up the slippery embankment. So focused, she fails to notice the beginnings of what was the very reason she always hated when Apple Bloom would get on her back.

"I'm scared." The filly continues to tremble while doing her best to not slide off.

"I know. But don't worry none, we're getting out of here and headed right home."

"But all your brushes and stuff!"

Applejack sways her head halfway between where she is headed and especially towards what she cannot wait to leave behind. So tense on her slow ascent to the crest she nearly trips when passing the first hoof through thin air, but catches herself and the falling filly in her muzzle just in time to get a ear full of Apple Bloom's fear induced scream. With one eye forced shut from the discomfort, she finally brings solid lush green soil underneath her once again.

"Darn it, Apple Bloom." Applejack rubs a hoof over one of her down flapped ears. "Had to let me have it all, did ya?"

"S-sorry!" Apple Bloom slowly begins to shimmer down. "It's just you had me all worried something bad had happened."

"Now that we're back up here, nothing's gonna."

"Well, what do you expect me to be like when you're acting like we're surrounded by a bunch of timber wolves?" Apple Bloom does her best to pat her body with a hoof to try and knock off some of the crud. "Oh no!"

"What?" Applejack darts closer. "What's wrong!?"

"Dang it!" Apple Bloom looks over across the way towards not far from where the tracks had started from. "It's gone."

"What's gone!?"

"The thing that was watching us. Must of spooked it when I went and screamed."