Cultural Misunderstandings
The wind howled, coursing around the tired climbers like a wild thing as it scoured the snow-beaten mountain peak. Still they pressed on, working as a team to pull themselves to a small plateau. Though the cliff face brought a modicum of shelter from the driving snow, the bitter chill still ate at them.
Tundra Peak, Mighty Explorer and Graverobber Monthly’s Stallion of the Year three years running, turned his head just in time to see his partner slip sideways, her limp form collapsing into a snowdrift. He was at her side in a heartbeat, cradling her head in his lap as he rubbed life back into her numbed forelimbs.
“Oh no you don’t, Princess. We’re getting to the top of this mountain together or not at all! Come on, up on your hooves. We’re almost there.” Blinking rime from heavy eyelids, Princess Twilight Sparkle struggled to make out the rugged, handsome face just above her own.
“T-Tundra…” She groaned. “I don’t think I c-c-can…” Shuddering, she brought her hooves more tightly around herself, desperate to hold onto any scrap of warmth her body could produce. “I-It’s just so c-cold…”
"Don't worry, Princess. I have a plan." Tucking her scarf more snugly around her, the intrepid explorer began to gather as much snow as he was able. Widening and patting and shaping, he continued, working with hoof and wing until a circular, domed shelter began to take form.
Pulling his beautiful, fallen princess inside and out of the bitter wind, his mind raced. He swallowed, taking a deep, shaky breath. It was time to follow his heart. “Princess Sparkle, I have a plan.” Twilight tore her gaze from the spiraling snow visible through shelter's small door. She blinked up at her partner, confusion written across her drowsy face.
“W-what do you m-m-mean, Tun– EEP!” Twilight’s eyes snapped open wide as she felt his weight descend upon her, warm and heavy, as he held her close.
“It’s the only way, Twilight, we need to keep you warm. We have to share our body heat, or we could both freeze."
“....If it’s the only way…” Twilight mumbled, numbed by cold yet warmed by love. She leaned up towards him, eyes closing as he brought his muzzle to hers. “Save your princess, Tundra.” It was time. After so many adventures, after so long, she would finally-
Boom! A colossal crash shook the mountain, and the two explorers found themselves falling, swallowed up by oblivion faster than they could scream.
*****
“RAINBOW!”
With a pained groan, Rainbow Dash’s head emerged from the sea of playing cards. Twilight could only look on in helpless frustration at the ruins of the mighty Mount Everbeak. Once the home of a secretive order of monks who had dedicated their lives to guarding the legendary Jewel of Regeneration, the enormous card structure was now no more.
“Hey Twi.” Rainbow rose, shaking herself to free the cards tangled in her mane and tail.
“Wow, when you play Go Fish, you go all out. Aw, hey! Tundra Peaks!” As Rainbow Dash plonked herself down on her rump to examine Twilight's action f- Collectible scale reference model, Twilight mentally thanked Cadence yet again for teaching her breathing exercises were sometimes the one thing keeping her sane.
Raising a hoof in front of her, she took a long, deep breath, drawing her hoof in to her chest. She was calm. She was serene. She was a leaf on the wind, watch-
“Eew. Hey, Twi, did the Crusaders get ahold of your Savvy Sparks? She’s got purple paint or something all over her.”
Twilight’s eyes snapped open.
“You know, she kinda looks like-”
“Yes the Crusaders had her now I should put her away now thank you!” Twilight sputtered, plucking the two from Rainbow's grasp with a burst of magic. Tundra Peak and Sassy Sparks quickly found themselves on a new adventure exploring the inside of a nearby box. as Twilight turned back to her visitor. “Now, was there a REASON you came to visit me today?”
Rainbow pondered a moment before her eyes went wide. “Oh, yeah! Come on, we need you in the market! There’s a couple of tourists from out near Appleloosa, they started a fight!”
“What!?! Rainbow, why didn’t you tell me?!” Twilight dashed to the window, craning her neck for any sign of disturbance. Sure enough, Twilight could see the tip of a massive carriage poking from behind several buildings in the market, an ever-growing crowd of ponies forming around it.
“What do you mean? I just did! Come on, Twi. No time for jokes- we need to hurry!” Leaping into the air, she spread her wings and took off out the window, heading for the market. With one final deeeeep, calming breath, Twilight spread her own wings and followed.
*****
By the time they arrived in the marketplace, the crowd had grown substantially. forming a makeshift ring around a broad, open carriage painted in dusty oranges, yellows and browns. As Twilight watched, the whole thing shuddered violently. The crowd cheered and continued to stomp their hooves at whatever blow had been struck, unaware of the arrival of royalty. Not all were so focused, however- Upon landing, Twilight and Rainbow Dash found themselves greeted by Rarity.
“Oh, Twilight! It’s simply dreadful!” Rarity lamented. “Those awful brutes, they’re causing such a scene! They began squabbling over a hat in the market, and it came to blows before I even realized what was happening! They’d been shoving each other since they’d gotten off the carriage, but this! They’re causing such a mess!”
Closing her eyes, Twilight took one last deep breath, steeling herself for what was to come.
“Don’t worry, Rarity- I’ll handle this.” Opening her eyes, she began to make her way through the crowd, a simple telekinetic wedge separating the crowd as she walked. Start a fight in HER town, would they? Well, she’d soon teach them a thing or two about polite social interaction!
As she stepped forward into the ring, Twilight’s jaw dropped. Two full-grown male buffalo were engaged in a shoving match of epic proportions, slamming into each other with terrifying force. As she watched, one managed to overpower the other, sending him smashing into the Buffalo City Tours logo gaily painted across the coach’s side.
She blinked.
She blinked again.
And she turned right around and began trotting right on back towards her library, the entire incident behind her.
As she cleared the crowd and began to make her way down the road, she turned to see Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity run up, clearly dissatisfied.
“What the hay, Twilight!”
“Darling, you’ve simply GOT to do something!”
“Come on, Twi! Ain’t nopony but you can stop this!”
Shaking her head, Twilight apologized, continuing back towards her library. “Sorry, girls. There’s nothing I can do.”
Stunned, Rainbow Dash flapped her wings, landing on the road in front of the alicorn. “What do you mean there’s nothing you can do? It’s just a couple guys hitting each other! You could stop them in your sleep!”
Sighing, Twilight shook her head. “I’m sorry, Rainbow, but there’s nothing I can do.” Half turning, she gestured back to the conflict behind her.
“Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.”
Author's Note
Yes, this entire fic was based around that bit of wordplay. Written in about an hour on my phone while doing renovations.
I'm not sorry.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo
