Canterlot Crashers

by Orkus

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 8307

An evil dragon warlord takes over Canterlot, and has kidnapped all four of the princesses! Out of options, the remaining mane five summon the only warriors capable of setting things right once more, even if their means to do so are extremely violent.

Sablewing the Wicked, a black-hearted dragon with an immunity to magic, invades Canterlot with his army of diamond dogs, goblins, and kobolds. As they attempt to defend their kingdom, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are captured and imprisoned by the foul reptile, and he proceeds to take over the entire city. A rescue attempt made by Princess Cadence and Twilight Sparkle is then performed, and immediately thwarted, resulting in their capture as well.

Having used the Elements of Harmony to save the Tree of Harmony recently, and being one pony short of using them anyhow, Twilight Sparkle's friends find themselves in the worst predicament imaginable. After raiding the library in the Castle of the Two Sisters in search of an answer to their problem, they happen upon, and then proceed to use a spell that shoots out into the multiverse in search of brave, suitable heroes to combat this monster.

Answering the call, four strange characters come forth: The Green Knight, Orange Knight, Red Knight, and Blue Knight; each powerful warriors in their own separate rights, who have honed their expertise in the field of beating the ever-living crap out of anything that has the sheer balls to simply be standing in their way.

Having been bored out of their minds in their home dimension (and being threatened that they would never return should they decide not to help), the four knights jump to the challenge to RIP AND TEAR and rescue some more princesses. They set off, weapons and sandwiches in hand, to kick some monster butt, crash some castles, and take names as violently as physically possible!

...Oh, and a certain mailmare with strabismus joins along on the mad adventure.

Rated T for scenes of gore, swearing, and an overdose of testosterone poisoning

Featured!

Published 2015-12-09 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-05 18:58:08 UTC

Holding Out For a Hero

Luna, a grimace of utter frustration painted upon her face, continued to slam herself against the steel bars of the cage. The prison she was held in resembled a domed birdcage, and the metal it was made of was pure, meteoric iron; a rare material that completely nullified the use of magic.

"Luna... it's no use..." Celestia spoke, from another cage that rested nearby. "You're just going to hurt yourself if you keep it up."

"It's better than doing nothing!" the Princess of the Night shouted to her sister, her lip curled into a snarl of defiance. "I'm not going to sit here and let Sablewing... that scaly wretch... simply win!"

Both of them were being held in their throneroom, since, apparently, their captor had an ironic sense of humor. The doors to the room suddenly opened, and Sablewing himself entered, stalking toward the captured sisters, his orange, reptilian eyes focused on them, while his black-and-purple cape dragged behind.

Sablewing the Wicked was a black-scaled dragon, and too late did Celestia, Luna, or all of Canterlot for that matter, find out that he was immune to magic. Whether it was from a charm, a talisman, being born with it, none of them knew.

"What do you want now, Sablewing?" Luna asked, when the dragon was close enough.

"I just wanted to stop by to inform you that I've captured your only hope of escape," he replied in a rather civil tone, his deep voice itself as smooth and cold as the finest iceberry wine money could buy. "The two, last princesses in Equestria, as a matter of fact. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, and Princess Twilight Spa-"

"You're bluffing!" Celestia interrupted with a shout, in disbelief.

"Am I..." the dragon cackled, before snapping his fingers. On cue, a pair of kobolds; small, upright, dragon-like creatures around the size of your average pony, came into the room, each pushing a cart that contained a slightly smaller version of the cages Celestia and Luna were in. Inside of one was Princess Cadence, who lied still, most likely knocked unconscious by something, and in the other was Celestia's prized student, Twilight Sparkle.

"Princess Celestia... I'm so sorry..." Twilight apologized, her face and tone both at their most forlorn that Celestia had ever seen it. "We thought we could swoop in and get you two out, but... Sablewing was craftier than I thought. He had monsters and traps everywhere! Cadence and I..."

"Don't be," Celestia replied to her student, attempting to smile comfortingly. "We were defeated in the same way. I have faith that your friends will find a way to help."

With another snap of his fingers, Sablewing's minions brought both Twilight and Cadence out of the room, and another figure entered as they left. It was an enormous, hulking diamond dog, with a just-as-big wooden club made of a raw tree trunk sheathed behind his back, and the floor trembled with every step he took. His body looked shaggy, with unkempt, dirty hair littered all over it. Over his head, and concealing his eyes was a horned helmet, while his large mouth below contained four, long canines protruding from his lower jaw.

"They shall be brought to their jailers, my lord," the dog spoke to Sablewing. "Does this mean that we... won?"

"Yes it does Killer, and as per our agreement, you may take Luna," the dragon said in a matter-of-fact tone, motioning to the Princess of the Night with his claw. "Consider it a reward for a job well done on your part."

"Yes!" Killer smiled with his crooked fangs, as he ran up to Luna's cage, grabbed the handle at its top, and lifted it from the ground.

"Sister!" Luna cried out, as her cage began to move away from Celestia's. Celestia attempted to grab onto her sister's hoof, but the bars prevented her from even getting close to touching it. Killer brought Luna up to his face and looked into her eyes.

"Now I'll never have to howl at that stupid moon of yours again!" Killer roared to the dark-furred alicorn. "You're my prisoner Luna! Hahaha!"

As Killer was about to depart from the throneroom with his new prize, Sablewing spoke up, raising a clawed finger as he spoke.

"Oh, and before you leave, tell the soldiers that you and them can pillage the surrounding land to your heart's content," he added. "Just make sure you don't kill too many ponies. We still need that slave labor, you know."

"Hehehe... of course, my lord..." the diamond dog chuckled evilly, as he nodded to his master. Refocusing on the hall ahead of him, Killer walked out of the room, Princess Luna in paw, as Sablewing looked back at the grimacing Celestia.

"If you do this, the sun will never set, and the moon will never come out," Celestia said. "This land will become enveloped in a never-ending day!"

"I fail to see the problem with that," Sablewing grinned, speaking in an uninterested voice, as he straightened his cape out in the snobby manner you'd expect a high-ranking noble to do.

"Twilight Sparkle's friends will come," the alicorn spoke, with a frown and arched brow of pure anger. "And if not them, then somepony else. And they will stop you, Sablewing, heed my words, and heed them well."

"Really?" the drake smirked, his orange eyes rolling sarcastically, as he slowly walked up to Celestia, savoring this most palpable moment. He only opened his mouth again once he was close enough for his looming shadow to be cast over the princess.

"If so stoppable I am... then what kind of fools do you think will come to help you?"

"This is bogus," Green Knight complained as he threw his book, Alchemy for Dummies, away, the paper making a "fwip" noise as it sailed through the air, and bounced off of the bee-like alien head mounted on the nearby wall of the house.

"I'm going to ignore the fact that you just used the word "bogus,"" Blue Knight moaned, as he turned over on his back from where he laid sideways on the bed. "Why'd you even use the word?"

"Because I'm bored," he replied. "It's been a month since we killed something worth killing, and nobody's decided to attack the castle. We really need more enemies."

"Wanna spar, like what Red and Orange are doing?" he inquired, looking to the weapons rack on the wall nearby with a thoughtful expression. Green shook his head.

"No," he replied. "Last time we did that, we had to clean up the mess we left behind, and I'm most certainly not in the mood for that."

"Oh..." Blue whined.

Before he could ask a another question, part of the roof suddenly exploded, as an orange shape barreled in, slamming into some of the furniture, and sending splinters everywhere.

"Gah! What the?!" Blue shrieked when he heard the noise, as the shape slowly stood up. It was Orange. He raised a fist into the air, and let loose a booming cheer as Blue and Green were still recovering from what they just saw.

"The catapult launch was a success!" he cried to himself, moments before the red figure of Red burst into the room.

"Success? Hah! Yes!" Red replied, as he ran up his friend. They both unleashed flying chest-bumps upon each other, still caught up in the vigor the moment provided.

"We need to do that again!" Orange shouted, as he brushed the last of the dust off of himself.

"It's my turn next, right?" Red asked, as he clenched his armored fists, and bounced up-and-down on the balls of his heels excitedly.

"You bet it is, bud," Orange said back, patting him on his helmet. "But remember, I get to choose where to shoot you!"

"Guys! What the actual hell?!" Green screamed before they could run off, motioning to the hole in the roof, and the totaled furniture. "Look at the mess you made! No more catapulting for you until you clean this up!"

"Pff. You're not our mom! You can't tell us what to do!" Orange said back, folding his arms, his tone as childishly arrogant as it typically was.

"I'm not going to ask again," Green responded in a much more quiet, and forbidding voice, his form slowly becoming enveloped by a noxious green haze. "Clean. This. UP."

"Make me..." Orange replied, as he slowly walked up to his comrade, his own body glowing the color of a brilliant flame, as wisps of the blaze began to poke out from his hands.

"Um... guys?" Blue spoke anxiously, as he tapped Orange on the shoulder, putting his self-inferno out. Both took their eyes off of each other, and looked at Blue.

"What now?" Orange and Green asked simultaneously.

"That," he calmly replied, pointing to the corner of the room. All four of them looked to it, and saw a strange anomaly taking place.

There appeared to be a purple-ish vortex of some sort forming where he pointed. It seemed to be getting bigger by the second, and had a bright, white glow coming from the center.

"What is that?" Red inquired, walking up to it until he got pulled back by the others before he could do something stupid.

The rapidly swirling and growing, purple-and-blue mass only expanded more, sending out a powerful draft of pure magic that wafted throughout the entirety of the room, scattering paper and scraps of whatever else into the air.

"What in the king's overtly-righteous beard is that?" Blue asked, as well.

"It looks like a... portal of some sort," Green replied.

The portal only stayed swirling where it was, doing nothing else the entire time. It was almost as if it was practically beckoning them to enter. Each of the knights looked to one another with unsure expressions.

"You know, if it really is a portal, it could lead somewhere full of giant velvet worm-monsters with acidic booger-spit that could melt the flesh from your bones," Blue started. "Or possibly someplace full of bone-crunching, steroid-infused giants and demonic spiders with poisonous stingers on their heads."

He traded a wary glance with the other three, before joining in on the devious smiling they began to show.

"LET'S DO IT!" they all shouted in unison. Hollering like a bunch of psychotic hooligans, the four grabbed their assorted weapons and shields from the rack on the wall, and leaped, head-first, into the portal, which promptly closed behind them when they were fully through, disappearing into thin air. All the paper that had been sent flying by the vortex went limp, and drifted to the ground. Soon, everything was still.

The door suddenly burst open, and Pink Knight barged in, the usual overly-optimistic smile on his kiss-covered, helmeted face.

"Guys! I'm home!" Pink shouted in his fabulous voice. "Are we ready to- guys?"

He looked around, but all that stood in the room was the usual junk, weapons, assorted trophies, and a hole in the roof he could swear he never saw before. After seeing nobody was here, and shrugging, the pink-armored warrior of virtue simply closed the door and left.

Help, I'm Stepping Into the Comfort Zone

"Nothing's happening, nothing's happening, nothing's happening!" Pinkie Pie shouted, as she bounced up and down nervously on the stony ground, panic filling her voice. "Rarity, I thought you said you cast the spell! Did it work?"

"It went off like it said it would... I just... I don't know!" the white-furred unicorn replied, as she flipped through the ancient, dust-coated book she held in the air with her magic. "I'm not Twilight! I don't use abnormally complex spells like these!"

"You must find out," a brown-furred, but heavily bruised royal earth pony guard, wearing battered, battle-worn gold armor, spoke up. "The fate of the princesses rests on it!"

"You don't think I don't know that?!" Rarity hissed back.

"I think everypony should just calm down," Fluttershy started, in her kind, fragile voice. "The spell probably takes some time to go into effect, that's all. And you tried your hardest Rarity, so please don't blame yourself if something went wrong. I mean... if that's okay with you..."

"I'd reckon you're right, sugarcube," Applejack agreed. "Rarity, we've never seen a spell like this before. Odds are, we probably don't know how long it'll take to... well, finish."

"We don't have time for that, though!" Rainbow Dash argued, as she hovered in the air nearby with her wings. "We have no idea where that dragon's going to strike next!"

The ponies were inside of the library belonging to the ruins of the Castle of the Two sisters. After a quick, but thorough search through Twilight's library at her tree house, they found nothing that could help them, and so, out of options, came here in an attempt to find a solution.

The several royal guards whom accompanied them were the only remaining soldiers from Canterlot to resist being captured by Sablewing's forces. After meeting up with Twilight's friends, they all traveled to the old castle. Only one of the guards was in the library with the former element-bearers, and and the others were keeping watch outside.

With haste, Rarity began to flip at a faster pace through the book, desperate to find anything worth reading. Rainbow Dash gave another impatient huff.

"Well, Rarity? You know what's happening yet?"

"For the last time, Rainbow..." Rarity began, taking in a deep breath for what she was about to say next, not noticing the portal forming a few feet over her head. "I DON'T KNO-"

She let out a yelp of surprise as four, armored, multicolored shapes fell from the portal, and landed right behind her with a clatter of metal, creating a pile. Rarity jumped back, and looked with the others at them, as one of the knight-esque, non-pony figures sat up.

"Ugh... where are we?" Blue wondered aloud, as he rubbed his helmeted head. His head spun around as he noticed his surroundings.

"I don't know," Green replied, as he began to sit up as well, followed by the other two. "But for some reason, I just got a sudden craving for sugar, cupcakes, and marshmallows."

"Oh, look," Red said, as he became the first to notice the several equine creatures that stood before them. "Horses."

"I'm sorry," the guard spoke up, stepping forward to them. "We're not horses, we're ponies."

"Gah!" Red shrieked in apparent surprise, disgust, and horror, as he pointed an accusing finger at the guard. "It speaks!"

"Well, of course I speak. Why wouldn't I?" he replied. His response was met with a punch to the face by Red, using enough force that the blow sent the stallion flying to the other end of the room, where he slammed into a wall, and landed on the ground.

"Die, aberration!" Red shouted, as he picked his mace up, became enveloped in a nimbus of pure electricity, and charged toward the downed guard, flinging himself forward once within range. "Die! Die! Die!"

Acting fast, Rarity used her magic to catch Red as he sailed through the air, moments before he could do any harm, suspending him in a telekinetic bubble.

"Hey! What gives?" Red cried out, now held in an immobile state above the ground, bearing a confused look as his eyes searched for the reason he was hanging there. Blue, Orange, and Green, each not as bloodthirsty and quick on the trigger as their comrade, simply stood in silence as they observed the ponies. The quiet that came between them didn't last, as Green spoke up.

"Assuming the rest of you can talk, and are as sentient as the one over there, you'll have to excuse Red," he started. "He hasn't stuck his thumbs into the eye sockets of anything for a while, and he's been dying to kill something for the last month. In other words, he's a bit too... easily excited."

"Rarity... please tell me these aren't the guys that the spell said would help us..." Rainbow Dash whispered to the white unicorn. With an unsure sigh for a response, Rarity slowly brought Red back to where the other three knights were, and dropped him in front of them.

"Listen," she began, taking a step forward. "I used a spell that transported whoever you four are from your dimension, to here. You have to help us with something."

"You've really gotta help us!" Pinkie continued. "There's an evil dragon that took over Canterlot, and he's got an army of-"

"No, I want answers," Green rudely interrupted before any of the could hear the full story. "Just who in the name of the king's castle are you all?"

"I'm Pinkie Pie," Pinkie started in a joyful voice, before gesturing to every other pony in the room when she said their names. "That's Rarity, that's Rainbow Dash, that's Fluttershy, that's Applejack, and that was a Canterlot guard your red guy hit against the wall."

"My friends call me Orange," Orange began, in a friendly manner. "This is Green, that's Blue, and that nutjob is Red."

"So... now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, now you can explain what's going on," Blue spoke, as he let the bladed tip of his sword tap against the ground.

"Where do we begin?" Applejack said. "For starters, an evil dragon named Sablewing the Wicked sprang a surprise attack with his army of monsters on our land's capitol, Canterlot, and our four princesses of the land, one being our friend, Twilight Sparkle, tried to defend it."

"Ooh. Princesses," Red whispered to his friends, his elbow bumping against Orange, faintly, but obviously intrigued.

"Anyways, due to that varmint Sablewing having a mind as sharp, long, and deadly as his claws, they've all been captured, and we have no idea how to get them back," the earth pony went on. "Without them, Ah'd be willing to bet my tail that Sablewing will take over all of Equestria in no time. In other words, you may very well be our only hope, as of now."

"Yeah, screw that," Blue blatantly refused, in an arrogant laugh. "Even if we get the chance to fight some monsters and save a few princesses, I... err... we have no reason to work with..."

He looked at each of the ponies in the room before finishing.

"...A group of talking, pastel-colored things that I'm having a hard time believing are "ponies." Why should we sully our hands doing your grunt work for you?"

"Because, "Bluey," if you don't help us, we're not going to send you back to your home, and you'll be trapped here with us!" Rainbow Dashed replied, tauntingly. "So, what'll it be, huh? Help us and go home, or don't, and never see your friends and family ever again?"

Blue raised a finger, about to come up with a witty retort to the comment dealing with so-called "friends and family" he may have possessed, when they all turned as the sudden creaking sound of the door opening rang out. In dashed came another guard, wheezing and out of breath.

"Element bearers! Your help is needed!" he cried. "Ponyville is under attack by Sablewing's forces! There are simply too many for us to hold off! What should we do?"

"Did someone say "attack?"" Red exclaimed, as his head shot to the guard. "As in, violence? As in, dare I say it, a time when I can use my mace to turn someone's skull into a pulpy mixture of chunky salsa and gray matter, and not get berated for it?"

"Yes, but... um... I'm not sure if lethal force would be necess-" the guard tried to reply, seconds before he was flung aside like a paper doll by a red blur that sped out of the door, mace swinging in the air overhead, whilst screaming joyous thanks, blasphemous profanities, and chanting the word "Battle! Battle! Battle!" over and over again to the blue sky. Back with the rest of the knights, a look of both interest and uncertainty began to form on their individual faces.

"Guys, I think we should follow him," Orange said to his friends, with only a minor hint of reluctance in his voice. "Ya'know... before he takes all the action for himself."

"I second that!" Blue immediately said, raising a hand. Green, folding his arms and shaking his head, turned around and faced the ponies, almost begrudgingly.

"Alright, fine. We'll help you," he spoke to them. "But only because we're bored, and you've oh-so generously given us some damsels to rescue, and enemies to fight."

"Any... other reason?" Fluttershy inquired. Applejack seemed to silently ask the same question as well, as indicated by the raised eyebrow look she was giving them.

"...And to punish evil, and preserve good, and yada yada..." he sighed back, before turning to Orange and Blue. "You guys ready to head out?"

"Sure, why not," Orange shrugged nonchalantly, as he inspected the blade of his battle axe, making sure it was nice and sharp.

"I'm up for it, if it'll ease the boredom," Blue spoke, as he finished stretching out one of his arms, before gripping the handle of his sword, and lifting it.

Nodding in full agreement, they all ran up to the door, carelessly shoving aside the same, dazed guard from before as he was just standing back up. Before they could exit it though, Red's head suddenly reappeared from the corner of it, startling the three other knights slightly. His expression appeared to be a mix of worry, and confusion.

"I forgot to ask something," he began, in an embarrassed voice. "Which way is "Ponyville," exactly?"

A Good Old Rousing Round of Pillage the Village

"So... we're in a world full of... ponies?" Blue inquired to Orange, as the two tried to catch up with their aptly-named green and red comrades. "Not that I'm complaining or anything, but... ponies?"

"I don't get it as much as you my icy friend," Orange spoke. "But it sure kills the boredome, eh?"

"Yeah, I guess," he chuckled back, turning forward again before his brow curled in confusion.

"Hey, is that smoke I see in the distance?"

Blue peered in front of himself as well and saw the black cloud he was told of forming just over the trees as well.

"You know what they say. Where there's smoke..." he began, grinning maliciously.

"...There's fire!" Orange finished. The two let out hoots of joy and pulled out their weapons, ready for battle.

As the chaos of marauding goblins, kobolds, and diamond dogs went on around her, Dinky, a young unicorn filly with a gray coloring to her fur and a blonde mane, backed against the outer wall of a house as a kobold cornered her, his small, alligator-like face focused on her smaller form, a spear held in his claws ready to perform irreparable damage. Just as he was about to attack the defenseless foal, another, larger gray shape burst in, and got between the raider and the filly. It was a pegasus mare with a pair of golden eyes that were as crossed as her current expression.

"Stay away from my Dinky!" Derpy shouted, as she turned about and bucked her rear legs at the lizard-like creatures. The kobold went flying back upon being struck, but quickly got back up and ran back to the pony, raising his spear and bellowing as he charged.

"NA-NA-NA-POW!" a voice went suddenly out. The kobold stopped in reaction, turning to look for who made the noise, and was swiftly met with an armored fist to the scaly face as a red figure came into view. Several teeth scattered about in various directions as the reptile's snout was broken by the knight's knuckles, and he fell onto his back.

"EXCELSIOR!" Red continued, as he ran up to the downed reptile, grabbed it, and chucked it at a nearby goblin, crushing the squat, green creature. Derpy, surprised by her rescuer, was even more amazed as three more alien, multicolored, non-pony beings sped forth.

"What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!" the blue one cheered on, his frost-tipped sword cleaving through a kobold's chest, sending a wave of green blood and armor about the dirt ground.

"Don't ask how I do this. Just... beans," the green one said in a normal, inexpressive voice, to a horde of nearly a dozen of the monsters he dashed in front of. Finishing his claptrap, he sent forth a misty, cloudy blast of green gas at them, poisoning and suffocating them slowly the moment they inhaled. Soon, they all fell to the ground like dominoes, choking on the foul, tainted air.

"Pardon us, ma'am," the orange one wielding an axe apologized, tipping his helmet forward to the mare in friendly respect as he passed by. Derpy and Dinky could only watch with surprise and awe at what came next.

After a good few minutes of hacking, slashing, biting, kicking, throwing, breaking, random cursing, punching, more hacking, bludgeoning, and name-calling, the four colored knight-esque figures quickly made short work of the remaining raiders, and once the dust had (mostly) settled, they were all either dead, or had fled the town when their rampage subsided. Though the ponies around them cheered at their success, Red wasn't happy about that.

"Hey! Come back!" he shouted angrily, running after them a short ways before stopping. He pulled out his bow and took three shots at them, but missed.

"Aww..." he complained, kicking a rock as his three friends came up to comfort him. "It's no fun when they run..."

"What? Where are those idiots all running off to?" Killer asked himself, watching from a hilltop as his army ran from Ponyville in a cowardly fashion.

"It appears your army is faltering," Princess Luna chuckled from the cage she sat in a few feet away. Killer shot her a death glare from behind his helmet, but the alicorn easily ignored it.

Turning to the kobold next to him, Killer reached into his back pocket and pulled out a set of keys. "Here," he spoke, giving them to the smaller reptile. "Keep these safe. I have work to do..."

With a hint of worry in her cyan eyes, Luna watched as the giant diamond dog pulled his equally gigantic club from his back, and trudge off to the entrance of the town.

"Guys... do you, um, feel that?" Blue asked his friends, as he felt tremors going out through the ground below.

"Sure do," Green replied, casually. "Sounds big. Sounds bad. Sounds tough."

No sooner had he spoke, a large shape, five times each of their sizes, came into view from behind a building. Upon seeing them, the dog-like figure wielding a tree trunk as a weapon let out a growl.

"So... you're the ones that chased my army away, eh?" he spoke. "You may have beaten my army, but now..."

He thumped his tree trunk-club on the ground, shaking the ground further.

"Now... you deal with me!"

"Oh, boy!" Red said in an excited voice, rubbing his hands together with glee. "This reminds me of that time we fought that giant barbarian! Remember, guys? We fought him, and we killed him, and then a chest fell on him from the sky, and then he exploded, and then-"

The knight couldn't finish talking about his flashback, as Killer swung his club and slammed the unwary knight into the ground, leaving only his flailing legs above the dirt. Stuck for a good measure, Orange, Blue, and Green rushed forward with battle cries, and attacked him, their weapons only able to hit his legs. Killer laughed at their pitiful attempts to apprehend him, and swatted Blue and Orange away, leaving Green alone, whom he scooped up in a claw.

"You're so pathetic, it's almost funny!" the dog barked at Green, once the Knight was on his eye-level. With one arm still free, Green sent out a puff of green smoke, causing to diamond dog to cough as he wafted it away with his club.

Unaffected and unamused with the attack, Killer threw the knight straight through the air, and his green form soon crashed through the roof of a nearby building with the name House of Lamps spelled out on its front. Wood, splinters, and timber scattered with his rough landing.

"Green... no!" Orange yelled, once he and Blue picked themselves back up.

"If he's dead, I call his boots," Blue said in an uncaring manner. Either way, both returned their focus back on the beast before them, and charged blindly forward. Killer laughed, and brought his club down in reply, whacking them away.

Though he was sore, Green came to a few seconds after landing. Upon adjusting to his situation, he noticed he was surrounded by lamps, and a puddle of lamp oil was leaking nearby, thanks to his impact. The wretched, evil gears in the knight's head began to turn the moment he saw where he was.

"Ooh..." Green spoke to himself, a devious thought coming into his mind. "Now there's and idea..." Grabbing as much of the unbroken items in his hands, Green shuffled outside, tittering to himself. Upon leaving the store, he saw the dog was laughing, and his comrades were all broken on the ground, groaning in pain; save for Red, who was still stuck head-first in the ground, screaming muffled curses from where he was.

"Looks like it's time to oil up, big guy," Green cackled, as he chucked the first lamp at the enormous dog. It shattered on Killer's shoulder upon impact, sending the clear, flammable, petroleum-infused liquid it contained all over his body. The dog growled and turned to Green, just as another flew through the air and hit him right on his helmeted face. As the dog tried to wipe the liquid away, Green tossed what else he had left at the brute, covering as much of his body as he could in lamp oil, and looked to Orange with his permanent, stony glare.

"Orange, now!" he hollered out. Moaning, the knight in question saw what his friend was talking about and quickly set to action, knowing exactly what to do. A sphere of fire left his raised palm and flew toward Killer, and once it touched his shaggy fur, his entire body erupted into an inferno.

The diamond dog let out a series of yelps and cries as his massive form was enveloped in burning, red-yellow flames. Dropping his makeshift weapon, Killer flailed about in a vain attempt to extinguish the fire, looking around desperately for something to douse it, until his eyes landed on a pond a few dozen meters away. Unthinking, he rushed to the pool as the three knights ran up to Red and pulled him, leg-first, out of the ground.

As the four wandered to the pond, they aw the dog sighing in relief. Upon noticing the four figures, he turned to them and laughed evilly.

"Your only hope of beating me, and it's gone," he chuckled. "What will you do now, weaklings? What could any of you possibly do? Hehehe..."

The dog's face then went from smug to fearful in a matter of seconds as he saw a literal spark gleam in the utterly enraged Red Knight's eyes, and raised his hands to the large dog.

"POWER!" Red screamed at the top of his lungs in as hammy of a tone as he could muster, electricity discharging from his fingertips and arcing into the water where the diamond dog stood. "UNLIMITED... POWER!"

The dog shrieked in pain as he was shocked violently, the water it stood in amplifying the power of Red's magic to the maximum. Red only stopped half-a-minute later, when he used up most of his energy in his attack, and the enormous diamond dog, though not moving or making any more noises, still stood.

Steam and smoke rose from the dog's form, as well as what sounded like the popping and snapping of slightly charred flesh. With a defeated moan, Killer's eyes closed and he fell, face-first, into the water below, unconscious. Bubbles formed around his submerged face before stopping a few moments later, and all went still.

Whatever goblins, kobolds, and diamond dogs still remained all saw as their leader was beaten, and promptly turned about, fleeing from the town. The ponies that were defending themselves let out more happy cheers as they saw their attackers fully abandon the battle, and instantly set to helping each other recuperate.

Luna sighed in relief as nearby ponies came to her aid, her cage now undefended. Her jailer, in his haste to escape, dropped the keys to the princess's prison, and they were promptly grabbed. The moment she was released, Luna's horn lit up and cast a spell of reparation that extinguished all the fires in Ponyville, and fixed the majority of the damage done to its buildings.

"Citizen, do you know of the ones responsible for defeating these beasts?" she asked once her task was done.

"It was those four guys that look like knights, my princess," the brown-furred earth pony that let her out replied. "They're not ponies, and they look a little weird, but they helped us." Nodding to him, Luna spread her wings out, happy to do so after having had them confined to such a small space, and took to the air.

It wasn't long before she located the beings in question, and landed in front of them. Captivated by this new creature's appearance, the normally rambunctious quartet let her speak.

"You have my earnest thanks, brave knights," Luna spoke. "I am Luna, one of the princesses of this land, and ruler of the night. By defeating the diamond dog leader and sending his lackeys running, you have freed me from my bonds, and given this land the hope it desperately needs in this dark hour. For that, I am eternally grateful."

Red, Blue, Green, and Orange, hearing her regal title, each shifted a wary glance at one another, knowing what just had to come next. As the alicorn waited for them to respond, the quiet that followed had become very palpable. As she was about to speak again, it was broken.

"SHE'S MINE!" the four suddenly cried out in unison, tearing their weapons from their sheaths, and attacked each other in a dogpile of vivid color and a flurry of rapid movement, much to Luna's great confusion.

The Quest (Officially) Begins!

By the time the dust the four warriors kicked up had settled, Red was standing atop the three-body pile of his bruised and injured friends. With an overly proud swagger in his strut, he marched off of of their puling bodies, and walked passed the onlooking five ponies and dragon from before, and up to the still-confused Princess Luna. Bending down on one knee, his entire, nuttier-than-a-squirrel-pie look somehow changed into a normal, possibly even civil expression; utterly devoid of anything immature.

"Most elegant Princess of the land, I, a simple, humble knight of thine realm, only ask thou to bequeath in a kiss of thanks upon mine lips," he spoke, motioning to his mouth. Luna only gave him a look that begat chagrin in reply. Red, seeing that she apparently disagreed with his proposition, was about to stand up again and leave when Luna suddenly closed her eyes, leaned in, and kissed him passionately on the lips; much to his surprise.

To his friends, Red appeared to be in ecstasy, as seen by his floating body and rapidly flailing limbs. When their lips parted a second later, Red took a moment to drift back down to the ground, as Luna's expression quickly returned to the stern visage it was before, as if having already forgotten the moment. Red, on the other hand, turned about and walked back to his friends in a manner akin to a drunkard.

"Whatta... woman..." he said in a dreamy voice, before collapsing at his friend's feet.

"Easy there, lover-boy," Green spoke, as he and the other two picked him up and dusted him off. As they did this, Pinkie Pie stepped toward their leaded with a questioning look.

"Now that that's over, what happens next?" she inquired.

"Yeah, what happens next?" Orange concurred.

"Well, I must go and make sure the other towns and cities along the countryside are alright," Luna started. "I must also make sure the sun and moon are raised and lowered accordingly."

"What should we do?" Rainbow Dash asked. "There's always the chance that those monsters will return, but if we stay here then we can't go anywhere else."

"That is most troublesome..."  Luna stated.

"Send us!" Blue suddenly spoke. "We got summoned here for a reason, after all. And if I didn't know any better, I'd say we're expendable."

"YA HEAR THAT? WE'RE EXPENDABLE!" Red suddenly cried out to the heavens, dropping his mace and shield so he could raise his fists to the sky. His expression quickly became muddled as he snapped out of his mania. "Wait, we're expendable? Nobody tells me anything anymore."

"Then you shall be the ones responsible for rescuing the other princesses," Luna agreed, with a grin of confidence. "Before we can march onto Canterlot and rescue my sister, we must first save Princess Cadence and Princess Twilight Sparkle however. As far as my previous captor bragged, they are not as well-guarded, and we need all they can give."

"Who do we rescue first?" Green asked, as he flicked some dirt from his sword.

"Princess Cadence is the one," she replied. "I do not know where Twilight Sparkle is, but she may know. Her husband and herself are trapped in the Crystal Empire by one that goes by the name of "the Black Knight." I fear what he may be attempting to do..."

"Uh... quick question..." Red began, scratching his head. "Where is this place? I might not be the sharpest fork in the crayon bin, but I think my comrades have as much of an idea of this land as me."

"That's right..." Rarity said. "You'll need somepony to lead you. But who?"

"I'll go," a voice spoke up. Every character there turned to the approaching gray form they each recognized as Derpy Hooves.

"Derpy? You want to do it?" Fluttershy said in shocked tone.

"I... I want to go too," the mare said again, her golden, crossed eyes shifting positions. "These guys will get lost if somepony doesn't lead them, after all. And I deliver mail, so I know how to get everywhere."

"Are you sure about this, sugarcube?" Applejack said.

"Yes," she replied, nodding. "My daughter can stay here where it's safe, but I want to go make sure that monster that started all this gets what's coming to him."

Luna let out a sigh. "Very well, Miss Hooves. You shall be the one to help these strangers reach the Crystal Empire."

"Very good! We leave immediately!" Red shouted, lifting his mace up and instantly running toward the nearby dirt road roaring like a bear.

"What about lunch?" Blue spoke up from where he stood. "All that fighting made me hungry."

Red ran back to his friends, still boisterously shouting, before stopping and putting his weapon down. "We leave after lunch!" he shouted again.

Sablewing stood by the balcony of Canterlot's castle, sipping from a clear chalice in his claw that was filled with red wine as he admired the view. He couldn't help but feel as though something was off, but he shook the feeling away. The sound of claws pattering on the ground behind prompted him to turn, and there, running up to him, was a smaller shape.

It was a kobold bearing blue scales, and a tired expression. It was clear he had been running for some time, judging from his panting.

"Who are you, my friend?" the dragon asked, once the being stopped.

"Dross the messenger," the small reptile responded, bowing his head to his leader. "I have... I have bad news, my lord."

"Bad news?" he inquired. "Go ahead and tell me."

"Eh... Killer, your chief Diamond Dog... he has been slain, my lord."

Sablewing's expression shifted to one of surprise on his black-scaled face, before mollifying to what it was before. "By whom?" he asked, his tone still soothingly normal.

"Four short warriors unlike anyone I've seen before," Dross responded. "They then freed the princess, Luna, and I personally fear that they will attempt the same thing with the other three. I... I also think they may be from another universe."

Sablewing hummed, looking into his chalice and the red liquid in it. The kobold saw he was thinking about his next move.

"Send for... the Warboss. Tell him we have a job for him," he finally said. The kobold blinked in surprise.

"The Warboss? A-are you sure?" he asked. "That goblin's a menace. He doesn't listen, tried to kill us the moment we brought him and his clan here from his universe, and ran off to pursue his own agenda... it was a miracle we paid that bastard enough to stop raiding our outposts..."

Sablewing chuckled as he walked closer to his minion. "He's a treacherous fiend, and he's as brutal as a rabid dire wolf, that much is true. But you must remember, he has the mind of a child. A hyperactive, violent, cruel child with an attention span as fickle as an autumn wind, mind you. Which is why we're going to tell him that he'll have an "enemy worth fighting" in the form of our little... problem."

"You think it'll work?" the kobold inquired again.

"My dear minion, of course I do," he replied confidently, turning to walk down the balcony's aisle a short ways, the smaller reptile following obediently. "Though we may have lost a princess, and a good warrior for that matter, all shall turn out in our favor I assure you. Now, fetch me a carrier pigeon, if you may."

"Of course, sir," the kobold bowed, before going forward and leaving as fast as he came in. As he went away, Sablewing turned about to the balcony, and once more sauntered to its edge.

"So... Killer, the mighty diamond dog, has been slain by four short characters from another world, has he?" he spoke to himself, swishing the wine in his chalice as he mulled about his current situation. "If there's anything I knew since I was a whelp, it's how to fight fire with fire..."

He took a sip, admiring the flavor of the vintage, fermented beverage before swallowing.

"...And as any should know, it's that my fire is much hotter than most else's..."

Ride of Da Ruff Ridas

Rukk Gougesnik was a goblin. Not an ordinary goblin, mind you. He was a warboss - an orcish-goblinish term for "warlord" - to his clan. His clan was known as the Ruff Ridas tribe, and their greatest talent was their ability to tame giant wolves and ride them like one would ride a warhorse. Many other goblin tribes not unlike his own practiced this, but his tribe practically lived off of this ideal to the point that every greenskin was bred to ride these fearsome, canid beasts.

While the rest stood outside doing other things, he and a few other top-ranking goblins sat in front of a large, wooden table inside of a small cave that lied in the middle of what he now knew was the Badlands; a land that coincidentally went by the same name of where his tribe and himself lived before they were whisked away to this dimension. It wasn't like the dry plains of home, though. There was much more arid desert, and a lot less monsters to worry about, such as ghouls. Behind their table was several dozen big sacks full of gold, silver, and treasures that had been plundered and stolen from raids, or gained from bullying the opposition.

As the table of gobbos heartily ate their food, swigged down pints of fungus beer, or just made talk to one another about amazing battle stories or half-truths they cooked up to gain more attention (the majority of which were pure lies about stealing wyvern eggs or bravely fighting elves), Rukk himself was busy nibbling on the leg of a chicken, pulling off the fat, meaty bits with his small, but jagged teeth. Lying against one side of his throne of wood and furs was a long-bearded axe he used in most of his ventures, and on the other side rested a large wolf with a dark gray pelt. The she-wolf, Snaga was her name, was the goblin's best friend, and, as with every adult wolf in the clan, a personal mount.

"Oi! Oi!" a high-pitched shout suddenly echoed throughout the cave. Their attention brought off from their food and activities, each goblin lifted their big-nosed, pointy-eared heads and saw a goblin lad enter the cave with something clutched in his hands.

"Oi, look at what I copped!" the gobbo shouted again, raising his hands overhead and showing off a pigeon. "I waz just feedin' the pups, and dis bird 'ere landed in front of me! What a dumb bird. I fink he wants me to eat 'im. I just thought I'd show you first, boss."

"Dat's a messenger bird ya git. Hand it over and zog off!" Rukk demanded in his typical nasally voice, tossing his chicken leg away, which was promptly beset upon by his wolf. Afraid of getting a knock over the noggin if he disobeyed, the goblin did as he was told and with only a hint of reluctance in his step, gave the pigeon to the warboss and fled from his sight. After inspecting the cooing animal for a bit, he located and pulled the piece of paper off of its leg with his green fingers. With that done, he threw the bird into the air and the feathered creature flew out of the cave and away in a panic; no longer wishing to be in the company of such foul creatures.

Rukk read for some time, still fairly rusty on understanding the common language. When he was finally done, a toothy grin of pure malice stretched across his face from pointed ear, to pointed ear.

"You all right, boss?" one of Rukk's many lieutenants asked; specifically one with a rather long nose, even for a goblin.

"A 'course I am, Longnose," he replied. "It's from dat lizard git dat brought us 'ere in da first place! He says dat there's four strong gits he wants us to kill dead an' proper."

"Ooh. We gonna krump em, boss?" Longnose inquired again, rubbing his greasy hands together in glee. "I knows you's is right about 'im being a right foul git fer bringin' us 'ere in da first place as a half-done attempt to make us "slaves," but I do so very much wanna fight someone wiff proper weapons and fighty-skills."

"Maybe... maybe..." he spoke, sniffing his nose. "I don't wanna do what Lizard-Boy says, but it does certainly sound like fun. Better 'en standin' 'ere and doin' nothin' but eatin' and countin' gold."

"Can we, boss? Can we?" another, smaller goblin sporting a large helmet that covered most of his head asked in an excited tone as he placed a hand on his sword in enthusiasm.

"Ah... why not," their leader finally relented, crunching the paper up and tossing it away.

As the goblins around the table cheered, Rukk called for Snaga. Grabbing his bow and axe, and jumping into the leather saddle on her back, he grabbed at her reigns and mushed her to the opening of the cave. When they had exited it, the two found themselves facing the large goblin encampment just outside; the sun from overhead shining off of the Rukk's pointed metal helmet and fur cape-covered back, and casting a tall shadow thanks to the trophy rack that was attached there as well, showcasing a couple of dwarf skulls and a Bretonnian knight helmet from back in their world.

"Oi, ya sods! Listen up!" the warboss yelled out in an echoing voice as he raised his axe to his lackeys, who ambled around the camp until they caught wind of his words. Even the snotlings; an even smaller subspecies of orc and goblin with an incredulously dull and semi-sentient mindset, looked up at Rukk Gougesnik, as if in anticipation of his words.

"We got us some good-old boys in need of a good krumpin' up northward!" he started. "I was told in a note I just 'ad dat they took on an entire army of dat scaly git's monsters an' traitors an' 'en beat da snot outta dem! I say we go show dat scaly runt 'ow to do it proper, an' mount their 'eads on some pointy sticks, eh? What do you boys say to dat?"

Howls and roars of approval immediately sounded out, followed by the sound of multiple armored feet stampeding to the pen where all the wolves that weren't currently let out were kept, while some stayed behind to pack up their belongings. As soon as all the goblins had grabbed their assorted weapons and mounted their wolves, they raced over to their warboss, waiting for him to give the words to move out. They were not disappointed by what he said next.

"Ruff Ridas... let's ride out an' go get some!"

With that, the hundreds of goblins and wolves howled once more, and every single one followed their leader as he and his wolf bounded off at a top speed through the Badlands desert, in a northern direction, kicking up a thick cloud of dust and dirt in their wake.

Mooks to the Slaughter

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A Tale of Tales

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Spear of Justice

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Making Some New Allies

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Interview With a Campfire

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The Undead's Bite

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Do You Believe in Magic? (No, I Believe in Quantifiable Physics)

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Prelude to the Final Battle

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CANTERLOT CRASHERS

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