Wisp of Hot Air
By themouthofmush
"While brutal honesty may be preferred, a little white lie won't harm anyone."
- FlashKensin77
The soft touch of freshly fallen winter powder covering the water’s edges; the branches of bare trees ebbing and flowing with the cold breeze; the marks where ponies skated on top of the frozen crystal white of the frozen lake while others played amongst its snow covered banks.
Such a sight would normally bring pleasant times to mind, from when I was young, running around and playing with my foalhood friends, and from when I got older, trying to enjoy the weather for what it was and for the opportunities it would bring, but now...now, it didn’t bring any kind of joy to me; it only brought sorrow and sadness.
Fitting that the lake be surrounded by the cover of darkness, helping the once joyous location to reflect the sadness that I currently felt – the soft power turned into small rigid glass, the branches into hooves and claws popping out of the ground in hopes of getting me, the lake’s frozen surface a mirror devoid of anything besides vast darkness, and the winter breeze a bone chilling wale.
As I looked around, memories started to surface – over there where I hurt my friends by accident, over there where I broke my right forehoof...over there where I hurt my ex marefriend, hurt her to the point of her almost taking her life.
“What was I even thinking back then?” I asked, a sigh leaving my mouth. “It was stupid and dumb...so why did I do that? Especially to her, of all ponies.”
I shook my head, trying to get her out of my thoughts. “No, no; that’s not why I’m here. She’s not why I’m here.”
I went over the checklist in my head, checking one last time to see if I have put everything where it should be, if I’d put all of my affairs in order. Satisfied that they were, I focused on the task at hoof, looking across the lake for my destination.
“The thin ice should be somewhere around here, I know it.”
Ah, trying to end that pointless life of yours I see. Good, good.
I turned around, planning on telling whoever was there to shut up and leave me alone, but no pony was there, even though the voice was close to my ear.
No, you aren’t going crazy; well, at least not any more than usual.
I covered my ears, in hopes of it stopping that voice somehow. “I’m not going to have a mental breakdown, especially not this close to-“
To offing yourself by drowning in frozen water? You do know that there are easier and more effective ways to go, right.
“No, no. This isn’t happening.”
Oh, this is happening alright. And stop doing that, you look like an idiot.
“SHUT IT!” is what I said, or at least that’s what I tried to say, before something wrapped itself around my throat, stopping my sentence from even coming out.
A dark figure appeared in front of me, it’s eyes the color of the blood moon with a glare as frozen as the night.
Now, that I got your attention, let me tell you something, something that everypony should have told you before: you should have killed yourself a long time ago.
I was thrown into the lake’s banks, the snow slowly soaking my coat and chilling my bones, knocking the wind out of me, the form slowly moving toward me.
You are just a worthless piece of space in this world of ours. You have done nothing with the life that you were given. The so-called “friends” of yours are just ponies that couldn’t give two shakes of a lamb’s tail whether or not you’d disappear off of the face of the world.
I curled up into a ball, trying to block out the figure’s voice to no avail, as it stopped in front of it, it looming over me, casting me in a shadow that was apparent, even in the dead of night.
That’s cute. You’re still trying to block me out. Well, let me tell you something buddy – it isn’t going to work, not at all. I’m in your head. How else would I know what I’m saying? These are the things you tell yourself every day when you see yourself in the mirror, when you look at your own reflection, when you see every other pony going about their happy go lucky lives, as you oh so put it.
I could feel tears run down my face, as the darkness of the shadow started to get denser with each passing second.
‘How can they be that happy? How are they able to be like that? Why can’t I be like them anymore? Is something wrong with me?’
“S-s-s-stop, stop it! T-t-that’s enough!”
No, it’s not enough! It’ll be enough when you finally act upon those feelings of yours that you’ve been having for some time now!
I felt my throat start to close up as more tears ran down my cheeks.
No wonder that mare almost killed herself over you. If a loser like you hurt me as much as you hurt her...oh boy, killing myself would be the only thing to do. It would be the ultimate way to get back at you. Since, let’s face it, if you weren’t able to see how badly she was trying to keep that failing relationship running, a relationship that was failing because of you, a relationship that was going on for years, then, well, you really don’t deserve any kind of happiness in life. I mean, she’s a bombshell of a mare that any stallion would be lucky to be with; and yet, you took it for granted.
I tried to get some air, to breath, yet it seemed like no air wanted to be anywhere near me.
And then there’s those “friends” of yours. The ones who only seem to be around whenever it’s convenient for them, yet never around for when you truly need them. I wonder why that’s the case. Hmmm. Oh, I just thought why.
The eyes were just mere inches away from mine, the intensity behind them piercing my soul.
It’s because they aren’t your friends. They have been using you, this whole time, and you’ve never realized it. This whole time, they’ve been doing that, not even behind your back, and you’ve never caught on. Now, what does that say about you? Huh. It says that you are gullible, oh so gullible. You honestly believed that anypony would actually want to spend time with you without wanting something, ANYTHING, in return. That’s pretty naïve; no, not naïve. That’s just pretty stupid of you. I mean, shouldn’t you be the one who should realize whether or not those close to you actually give a flying feather about your very existence or not?
I felt the pressure wrapped around my neck let up as the figure moved away from me, allowing the precious air to finally get into my lungs.
I looked up at the figure, hoping the rage that has been building up since I was thrown was in my eyes. I wanted to give it a piece of my mind, to tell it off, to let it know that it knew nothing at all about my life, but only a single word was able to come out.
“W-why?”
Even though I knew it didn’t have a mouth, I felt it give me a smug smirk.
Now, that’s the million bit question, isn’t it? Why would I want to do any of what I’ve just done and said? Hmmm, nothing is really coming to mind. Why. Why, why, why. Could it be that I’m actually trying to do something out of the goodness of my heart and make sure you don’t do something so stupid as killing yourself?
It turned to face the lake, completely acting as if it were the only thing worth talking to.
Or maybe, just maybe, I want you to kill yourself. I want you to go out there onto that lake, walk onto a patch of thin ice, crack it, and drown, just like you wanted all along. To want those in your life wonder what happened to you, why you just disappeared in a puff of smoke, no goodbyes, no sign of where you went or why you left, just gone. For your body to be found months from now, when the lake thaws out and melts away in the spring, when everypony in town would have just accepted the fact that you just disappeared without a reason. Now, wouldn’t that just be an enjoyable time to be had.
The wind picked up, blowing some fresh snow around the area. I had to close my eyes just to make sure that none of it got into them. When they opened back up, the figure was gone. Just as suddenly as it showed up and messed with me, it disappeared, leaving me to contemplate everything that it said.
“W-was, was what it said...was it true? Was everything that it said...” A sigh escaped me as I looked out into the lake, my current course more than set. “Everything that it said, everything, was true. Why should I try to hide it from myself any more than I already have?”
I took a step, the first of many and quite possibly the last of my life, onto the lake when the wind picked up again, carrying with it more snow. I didn’t bother closing my eyes – why would I when I was near the end of my life? – so I was able to see the scene in front of me change.
The wind parted a few of the clouds in the sky, gracing the once dreary darkness of the lake with a few strands of gentle light from the moon, as well as carrying and dropping a soft snowfall.
Beautiful, isn’t it.
The sudden appearance of the form in the corner of my eye made me lose my balance and fell sideways onto the slush.
It’s a shame that most take these sorts of things for granted. The figure shook its head and I swear it heard it sigh. So many don’t realize that it’s the small things in life that are the most important.
I stood myself up and just stared at the figure for what felt like hours. “So, now you are getting all sentimental? Now? Right after all of those things that you just got through telling me. You decided that now, right this second, to show even the smallest amount of emotion!”
The figure looked out into the lake, with what looked like deep thought, or at least as much thought a shade could do, before it turned and looked at me with its red eyes.
The eyes, they were different, somehow – what once was malice, anger, destruction, and rage behind those blood red eyes, now, now there seemed to be something else behind them. The blood reds seemed to have turned kind, as if they were small orbs of the sun’s light, casting those it looked upon with warmth, safety, comfort, and kindness, just to name a few.
I am different from the one you were speaking to.
“Sure, right; whatever you say.”
I turned my attention back towards the lake and the task at hoof.
Before you go, allow me to say a few things.
I stopped in my place, refusing to look anywhere besides what was in front of me.
“And why should I let you do that?”
Did you not allow the other the other that luxury? Only seems correct that I should get the same treatment.
“Right,” I sighed. “Makes sense that this breakdown would want to be polite and courteous while giving me more reasons to kill myself.”
What I offer is mere words. Whether or not you decide to act upon them or not is up to you and only you.
I sighed and turned back to face the shade, careful not to slip on the ice. “Alright, I’m all ears.”
The figure straightened itself out, like a teacher about to give a lecture to a student.
What the other said, it isn’t completely true. By that, I mean that some of the things said could be misconstrued as correct or false by anypony. While some might think and see of you as the way it described you, I like to think otherwise. It is true that while you haven’t done as many noteworthy things as those around you, or those on this planet, but you have done more than enough to show that you did, in fact, exist. That you did leave a hoof print for your time here.
I wanted to turn away, but something, something in the way it spoke, made me want to give it all of my attention.
You might think of me as trying to “butter you up,” but I am not. All I am giving you is my two bits from what I have seen by looking inside of you, by looking into your soul.
It is understandable to have those types of thoughts about one’s self, about one’s worth, but you have never, not once, tried to act upon them until now. Do you know why that might be?
I looked down at my hoofs, my ears pressed against my head. “N-no...I don’t.”
It is because of those you have decided to let in.
It made no sound as it moved toward me and touched my chest.
Those that you consider your friends, the ones that you care more for than anything else in this world, even more than yourself, they are the reasons why. You haven’t thought of acting upon these thoughts of yours until now because they were always in the back of your mind, giving you comfort, even when they were not around.
I started to feel my body shake as those words started to sink in.
‘How would they act if I did go through with it? What would they think of me? Would all of the things that I have done for them be wasted if I went through with it?’
For the third time tonight, I felt tears start to fall down my cheeks.
From what I’ve seen, they would miss you, more than you know. You have always tried to be the healer, the pony they could come to for support, for a shoulder, and for an ear. You have given them so much comfort, so much care and kindness, gone out of your way multiple times for them; just know that they would indeed miss you.
“N-no, they w-w-wouldn’t. If that w-was the case, why a-aren’t they ever around?”
I cannot speak for them, but they too have lives to life; they too have their ups and downs, accomplishments and struggles, victories and failures – just as you do.
I looked up at the figure, tears in my eyes, and felt that it was smiling at me.
You are a kind and sweet soul. You have never meant to harm anypony, not really.
‘You have never meant to harm anypony, not really.’ Those words hit me like a crate of bricks as I fell onto my knees in the slush.
“B-but I have. I’ve hurt somepony. I hurt her so hard, that...that...”
Listen to me, little one, when I say this to you: what was done was not your fault.
“B-but I....it was my fault. I’m the one-“
What happened wasn’t anything that you could have controlled. It happened by accident and circumstance.
“But she...she...”
Yes, she almost did, but she didn’t. Because of you; you were the one who found her before it was too late, the one who rushed her to the hospital even if it meant pushing yourself past your physical limits, the one who refused to leave her side before she got better. Goodness, you simply refused to eat anything for a few days until she had eaten three meals. Now, tell me, what kind of pony does that sound like to you: a guilty one or an innocent one?
A few moments passed before I was able to speak. “A guilty one...somepony who tried to right the wrongs they have committed.”
The figure looked into my eyes before looking back onto the lake.
I feel like my time is almost up, but I will leave you with one last thing: Life is very fragile. It’s so easily lost and so hard to obtain. Every decision seems to weigh heavily on us...but always know that there will never be another you. You are unique, one of a kind; a treasure. Everypony deserves a chance at life. Whether we use it, however, is up to each and every one of you.
The wind picked up, once again, blowing the snow around me, my hoof shielding my eyes on reflex. When the gust subsided, the figure was gone, once again, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I turned, yet again, to face the lake, mulling over all the things the figure told me, hoping that it would come back, to give me more to think about, even though a part of me hoped that it wouldn’t come back, that it would just stay gone.
“If you are going to come back to mess with me mind, go ahead...it’s not like this mental breakdown of mine could get any worse.”
Minutes passed by and the moonlight was once again covered by the clouds overhead, casting darkness to the surrounding area once again.
A sigh escaped me. “So, that’s it then. No more theatrics, nor more dog and pony show. Just going to leave me here, alone with my thoughts.” I shook my head, trying to see if any more of my screws were loose.
“Guess, in the end, I was always here by myself, huh.”
I turned my gaze up into the sky, the darkened cloud cover and moonlight battling one another in a dance. I lingered on, holding onto that sight, for a few seconds before I closed my eyes.
With a deep breath, I took a step...
Author's Note
Which path do you think was taken? Would that have been the right path to take? Or maybe, would there have been any other path besides that one to take in the first place?
Please let me know your personal answer to those questions, if you have one, below.
