Princess Twilight's Precarious Pancake Problem
It was a beautiful morning in Ponyville and an unusually early Twilight Sparkle was in her vast kitchen, sipping on a cup of coffee. The alicorn princess was well rested after a good night's sleep and felt very keen on trying out a new idea of hers. Making pancakes. Usually Spike was the one doing all the cooking, but this day Twilight had decided to surprise her friends with delicious pancakes of her own manufacture. They would be so amazed! She smiled to herself.
"Oh, Twiiilight daarling! I didn't know you could make such exquisite pancakes!", she said to herself in what was meant to be Rarity's voice, while simultaneously wiggling a white kitchen mitten that somewhat, at least to her vivid imagination, resembled her friend. She giggled to herself.
But no success could come without the proper preparations! Twilight knew that as much as anypony, perhaps even more so. For she was without a doubt a very clever alicorn princess. Therefore she had brought a couple of cookbooks from the castle's library, all placed on the kitchen bench in a neat stack. She had never made pancakes before but she knew everything about the process from a theoretical perspective.
"Three eggs. Check. Two and a half ponyiliter of flour. Check..." she read out loud as she placed the ingredients before her on the exquisite crystal top of the kitchen bench. "...and six ponyliters of milk. Also two tablespoons of butter and a pinch of salt."
Twilight then proceeded to carefully put the eggs in a crystal bowl and with them half of the milk and all of the flour. On the milk package was the text "HAS ANYPONY SEEEN THIS PONY?", and beneath it was a picture of Starlight Glimmer.
"Yes, I've seen her a lot... Her whereabouts are very well known to me," she said with a smile, thinking of all the adventures that had transpired recently. In fact, she had safely ~~deported~~, eh, returned... Starlight Glimmer to her village several weeks ago and... Oh, wait. Her eyes narrowed as a horrible suspicion arose.
"Oh, no! The milk is old! That's why the package still talks about Starlight as a missing pony!"
The princess sniffed the milk in the bowl with her purple snout. Indeed it smelled a bit old. And the eggs joyfully bobbing around in the milk didn't look very fresh, either.
"Perhaps I should have broken the shells before placing them in the bowl?" she said, scratching the back of her head with a floury hoof. "But the book didn't say anything about the eggshells... Well, I can always fix that with a spell!"
Twilight's horn started to emit a pinkish glow as she used a small wind-spell to form a little tornado in the bowl. Carefully it dashed around the ingredients, elegantly breaking the eggs in the process with its centrifugal power. Science and magic working together, she thought to herself. The shells would probably disintegrate completely, according to her calculations, and add a nutritious touch of calcium to the mix. Good for the skeleton!
As she stirred the mix with her spell, Twilight turned on her crystal-powered stove.
"Morning, Twilight!" a familiar voice said behind her.
"Good morning, Spike," she said as she turned around.
"What's up? Are you experimenting with some science-stuff?"
"No, I'm making pancakes!"
"Pancakes?"
"Yes. I have invited my friends to a pancake breakfast. I'm planning to show everypony that you can learn anything if you carefully study the process step by step, using knowledge obtained from books! Then ponies will finally understand the importance of reading."
"So... you don't want any help?"
"No, but thanks for asking. I'm perfectly capable of manufacturing these pancakes, just as good as the pony who wrote the book. I call it the Magic of Reading. Then ponies will see for themselves that even a librarian... eh, princess... who never cooks can utilize a different set of skills just from reading books... Oh, I sounded like Zecora! Anyway... Then ponies will want to try it for themselves. But where will they go? Ponyville doesn't have a public library anymore... They will have to come here, to my castle in droves to read my books, like helpless flies to a spider's web! Imagine that, Spike! Ponies everywhere, desperate for knowledge! And.... then... and then I will not feel so lonely anymore."
"Eh... great. I'm sure your plan will work just fine."
"Exactly."
As soon as Spike had left the kitchen Twilight started to fumblingly tear open a new package of milk and pour its contents into the batter while eyeing through the page of the cookbook.
"Oh, ponyfeathers! I forgot... I've already put 3 ponylitres there. Now it's too much milk! Well, I just compensate with an extra egg and some more flour..."
She tossed the cookbook away and dashed to the fridge to get the butter and an extra egg. When she returned she scooped up two tablespoons of butter and threw them into the mix. There.
"Now, melt the butter and pour it into the batter..." she read.
Twilight proceeded to put the bowl on the stove to melt the butter. She stirred its contents with a spoon.
"Somehow, this doesn't feel right..." she said to herself, furrowing her brow.
She riffled through all of her cookbooks and it slowly dawned on her that the batter should probably not be cooking on the stove right now.
"Buck!" she yelled and quickly pulled away the bowl, burning her hooves. "Bucking hay!"
In the process she knocked out one of the open milk-packages, setting free a deluge of milk all over the kitchen bench and the wide open cookbook.
"Oh, no! Drat! Blasted milk..."
She then started to violently shake the soaked book, an action that the increasingly desperate alicorn immediately came to regret; the binding broke and a few pages fell into the mix!
"CELESTIA DAMN IT!!!!" she screamed in anger.
Without a single word Twilight salvaged the pages from her batter and meticulously crumpled them into a ball that she shoved back into the book, dripping of pancake batter. Then she slammed it shut and tossed it into a corner.
"Deep breath, Twilight. Deep breath... Remember what Cadance told you."
Now it was time to pour the mix into the frying pan. Twilight had acquired a brand new crystal pan, shipped all the way from the Crystal Empire by mail. It was so fresh that it was still in its cardboard box. With another deep breath Twilight opened the box and very carefully removed all the cardboard and foam from the pan. Fine... Everything was going to be just fine... This frying pan had cost her twelve hundred bits, a huge amount of money, but it was worth every penny. It said clearly on the box that this was the Best Frying Pan in Equestria, approved by "Princess Candace" herself. It was a non-stick-pan.
But some idiot had put a STICKER right in the middle of the pan! It bore the picture of a smiling pony with a chef's hat and the text "The Non-Stick Super Ultra Royal Frying Pan! Guaranteed to make cooking fun!"
With a growling sound the princess started to peel and scrape the inside of the pan to remove the sticker. But it was a very well-glued sticker and it just wouldn't let go, no matter how much she scraped with her hooves.
"Arrrgghh!!!!" she growled and shook her hoof in vain! "Stupid, dang dirty sticker! Go to Tartarus!"
The furious alicorn then threw the pan on the floor and jumped around in the vast kitchen, frothing and bucking like a mad horse while teleporting herself around in bright flashes of magic.
The door swung ajar and Spike entered the scene.
"What's the matter, Twilight? Are you OK?"
"Yeeeees..." she growled with an angry smile. "I'm fine... I'm just.... relaxing."
"Relaxing?"
"Everything is under control."
"But..."
"I said everything is under control."
"Ok, then..." Spike said with a shrug and retreated back the same way he came. "Just tell me if you need some help..."
"I WILL, THANK YOU, SPIKE!!!!"
When the door was firmly shut, Twilight dove on the frying pan like a timberwolf jumping on its prey. She pinned it to the floor with all of her four legs, standing on the edge of the pan like she was playing a one-mare game of twister. Then she bowed forward and began to use her horn as a crude tool to violently stab and scrape the sticker from the pan, working in silent, destructive rage.
*
Meanwhile, a small group of schoolponies and their teacher, Miss Cherilee, were having a field day in the outskirts of Ponyville. They had been picking flowers for their biology class later this day and collecting ants, beetles and worms to torture under a microscope. Now they were on their way back to the schoolhouse, passing through the area where Twilight's castle was located. The Castle of Friendship was a good landmark to use for navigation, Cherilee thought.
"Okay, listen up, foals! We'll stop here for a short break to enjoy our lunch-packs and those of you who wants to go into the bushes and powder their snouts may do so. Just stay in the area so you don't get lost."
With a speed somewhat paradoxical to his name, Snails dashed off into the bushes almost before Cherilee had finished her sentence.
"Well, I guess he really needed to powder his snout right away. When you gotta go, you gotta go... Or urine trouble," Scootaloo said with a twinkle in her eyes.
There was a muffled sound from one or two foals giggling at this crude and lame joke. Cherilee was not particularly pleased.
"Riiight... Anyway, my pupils, have your lunch now and then we'll be on our way back for some biology," said Cherilee while picking up an apple from her saddlebags. "Just sit down an enjoy the peaceful serenity of the nature for once. And remember; no swearing. I'm looking at you, Scootaloo."
She closed her eyes and listened to the birds singing in the trees and the wind blowing among the leaves. Miss Cherilee did enjoy it very much. Ahh. Peace and quiet.
* *
In her luxurious kitchen Twilight was sitting on the floor, panting from exhaustion. Scattered around her were bent forks and twisted spoons, smashed plates and broken knives. But despite her best efforts the sticker was still firmly glued to the middle of the pan!
"Alright, then... you stupid... sticker... Now you leave me no choice! You have brought this upon yourself... huff... You should have let go when there was still time... I will not feel sorry for you... pant... Now you'll face the full consequences of your insubordination!"
With a powerful blast of magic, a fire-spell, Twilight engulfed the pan with flames shifting in green, blue and white. The flames scorched the crystal floor and made the white oven mitt catch fire.
Twilight stood back, her horn still warm from the gigantic amounts of magic that had passed through it, and took a deep breath as the smoke dissolved in front of her. Slowly, eyes narrowed and ears pinned, she took a glance at the pan. The sticker was burnt to a black crisp.
"And that's the end of that," she said, dusting her hooves. "That's what you get if you mess with the Twilinator."
She picked up the pan with magic, careful not to burn her hooves on the hot crystal, and moved it to the kitchen sink.
"And now I'll just flush the ashes down the drain and then continue with my pancakes."
She turned on the water and a loud FFFFFFSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! was heard as the cold water met the crystal. Then it shattered with a POFF.
"THAT'S IT!!! BY CELESTIA'S TAIL, I'VE HAD IT!!!! TO TARTARUS WITH YOU!!!!" she screamed and in an impressive feat of telekinetic magic she ripped the tap from the kitchen sink and hurled it through the window, shattering the colorful glass in hundreds of pieces! Immediately water started to spray from the destroyed plumbing, soaking the angry but surprised pony.
A stern voice yelled from outside;
"Princess Twilight! What is the meaning of this?! You could have hit one of the foals!"
Twilight looked out from her shattered window, water dripping from her mane. She saw Cherilee standing there next to the twisted remnants of the tap. Her pupils were all around her. They seemed a bit shocked, but only half as much as their teacher.
"And the language you are using! That is far from being a good rolemod..."
"GO FUN YOURSELF!" Twilight shouted at the top of her lungs and slammed the window shut, shattering it even more.
With her kitchen now overflowing Twilight galloped away and grabbed a huge carrot from her pantry. Using a rolling pin as a club she hammered it down the plumbing.
"Now, stay there or you will regret the day you were... um... sown?" she said and threw the pin across the kitchen.
She took a glance at the clock on the wall. Oh no! Her friends would arrive any minute now! And her pancakes were only a nasty looking batter with small pieces of eggshell in it... But she would not fail! The mighty alicorn Princess Twilight Sparkle would NOT be defeated by some lousy pancakes! She would not allow it!
But perhaps she could redefine the meaning of pancake? Who said anything about the consistency of pancake? Maybe a fluid, drinkable pancake would be just as good as a solid one? Twilight put the bowl with batter to her lips and took a huge gulp. She shivered in disgust as she chewed the small pieces of eggshell in her mouth.
"Oh, Celestia... That was just horrible..."
* * *
Downstairs Spike was dusting a bookcase (one of too many) when he heard the doorbell ring. Quickly he hid his little apron behind a book, just in case Rarity would be on the other side of that door. He had to maintain his high level of coolness, he thought.
The dragon opened the door and indeed Rarity was on the other side, along with Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
"Howdy, Spike!" Applejack said while tapping her hat.
"Hello! Please, come in!"
"Ah brought some of Granny Smith's fine apple pie and some cider... Well, there would have been cider if some pegasus hadn't drank it all on the way here..."
"Yeah, I tried to tell Fluttershy... hic... to not to, but she wouldn't listen!" Rainbow Dash slurred and nodded at her.
"I'm not talking to you right now," Fluttershy said and looked away. "You've hurt my feelings."
"Oh, come on, Flutters... It was totally not... hic... my fault, it was the cider that drunkened me!"
"Anyhow, Spike daaarling, Twilight told me there would be a surprise," said Rarity as they entered the castle.
"Yeah, she's got something cooking... I mean, she has totally some surprise in store for you."
"Oh, that sounds absolutely divine! I simply aadoooore surprises! When can we see it?"
"Soon, I think. Just make yourselves comfortable in the dining room and she'll..."
A loud crash was heard from the kitchen upstairs.
"What in tarnation was that?"
"That was just Twilight putting the final touches to her surprise."
"Oh-my..."
"Spike, are you sure she's okay?"
"Yes, I think she's doing rather well..."
A muffled "AAAArrrrggghhhHHHHHH!!!!!" sounded from up above.
"But I could of course go and check just in case."
"Do so."
The little dragon knocked three times on the kitchen door. No answer.
"Twilight?"
Still no answer.
"Twilight, your friends are here. They want to see you."
He looked down and saw that he was standing in a small stream of water coming from the kitchen. Spike slowly opened the door, not sure what he would encounter on the other side. As the door swung open he saw that most of the kitchen was demolished, burnt, smashed and turned upside down and inside out. Everything was stained with pancake batter and on the floor was a huge puddle of water. It was gushing from the remnants of the kitchen sink that looked like it had exploded. The twisted and torn plumbing resembled a banana peel. Small pieces of carrot was evenly splattered over the walls.
In the epicenter of this disaster area was a small, slouching figure sitting alone on the floor. It was completely covered in pancake batter and its head was hidden underneath an empty bowl.
"Twilight?"
The defeated creature moved, slowly turning towards him.
"Why... must... I... fail at every attempt..." Twilight sobbed.
Spike rushed to her aid and lifted the bowl from her head.
"No, Twilight. You don't fail at every attempt. You've only failed at your first attempt and you've probably learned a lot of stuff from it, I bet!"
"But I... I..."
"Everypony got to fail sometimes. How can you learn anything if you don't allow yourself to fail from time to time? Would you like to make another try?"
Twilight nodded.
* * *
Twenty minutes later that morning Twilight and her friends were sitting at the table, enjoying delicious pancakes.
"I've made them all by myself," Twilight proudly proclaimed.
"Ya did? These are some fine pancakes, Sugarcube."
"Simply divine!"
"Um... very nice pancakes, Twilight."
"Pancake-tastic pancakey goodness! Mm-mm!"
"Awes... hic... awesome!"
"How did ya do it?"
"Well, at first I failed really big, but I learned a lot from my mistakes...," Twilight said with a smile. "Combining my new experience with my old knowledge I eventually discovered how to make a pancake. And if you can make one, you can make a hundred pancakes. You'll never know what you can learn by reading books, but a little practice makes it a lot better! Even if you might fail at first."
"Learning..." Rainbow said with a yawn as she fell asleep with her face on the table. "Zzz... it's so... boring... to learn... stuff...zzz..."
"I think Twilight's right," Fluttershy said while putting a blanket over Rainbow's shoulders. "Everypony could learn wonderful things by reading books and trying new skills."
"Still...zzzz... boring...."
And everypony had a laugh.
THE END
Author's Note
I haven't written a pony-fic in a long time, but two days ago I made some pancakes and got the idea for this fic. I'm not sure what category it should fit in, so I placed it in "Random"...
