"... finally, it is my hope," Twilight muttered to herself as the quill flew across the page, "that this primer on Modern Equestrian will help to ease you into a more modern mode of speech. Your sister's faithful student (and your friend), Twilight Sparkle." Twilight was quite pleased with herself. Most Saturday's there'd be some sort of unpleasant commotion that would distract her from her studies, or a friend would desperately require her help.
Today, thankfully, had been very quiet. Spike had gotten up extra early so he'd finish his chores in time to help Rarity collect gems, and Rainbow Dash hadn't even crashed into the library with her stunt flying. A breakfast study session while working on her daily checklist had done wonders for Twilight's productivity. The library (courtesy of Spike) was spic and span, and Twilight's neatly compiled report on the evolution of Modern Equestrian for Princess Luna was all set to be mailed off to Canterlot for perusal at her leisure.
But it was nearing noon, and the chocolate chip muffin Twilight had indulged in for breakfast had long since run its course. Just as she finished wrapping up the seventy odd pages for delivery to the post office, her stomach expressed its displeasure rather loudly. Even home alone, Twilight looked around furtively, blushing furiously in embarrassment.
"Hehe, uh, whoops. I guess lunch is in order." With the thought of food dancing through her mind, Twilight levitated the package into a set of saddlebags and started for the door. "I bet Hayfield's Diner could help me fix that."
* * *
The brief trot across town was thankfully disaster free. Twilight knew she was being a bit jumpy, and certainly her feeling of hunger wasn't helping, but it was hard to shake the worry that something would come along and spoil her delightful Saturday. Still, with nopony crying out for help, and no monsters shaking the town's foundations with their ponderous steps, Twilight opted to not look too hard for trouble. After all, she really wanted some lunch.
With a jingle-jangle, Twilight stepped into Hayfield's Diner and was all but poleaxed by the smells alone. Fried hay of a dozen subtle varieties sizzled and smoked, crisp and fresh carrots and apples glistened upon beds of equally fresh lettuce, and the scent of home baked pies make almost Twilight weak in the knees. Twilight would have taken wobbly knees any day if it meant her stomach would stop growling like an enraged manticore.
Poking his head out from the kitchen, Hayfield shot Twilight a cheeky grin. "Ah, I love the sound of hunger." The light brown stallion rumbled from behind his reflective sunglasses. Cocking an ear in Twilight's direction, Hayfield hummed appreciatively. "It sounds like ... profits. Go on and take a seat wherever Twilight and let's get you fed."
Thankfully, the diner was fairly empty, sparing Twilight from too many knowing looks. Sidling into a booth, Twilight only had a hoofful of moments before High Test pranced over to taker her order.
"Hey there darlin', what can I git for you?" drawled the bright blue unicorn. Smiling gently, Test poured out a cup of coffee for Twilight, "Or should I just tell Hayfield that you were doin' one of your study sessions and need to be brought back from the almost-dead?"
Twilight grumbled something into her coffee cup as she tapped the #3 special with her hoof.
"Oh-kay, just the #3 then?" chirped Test as she scribbled something onto her notepad. "I guess you did get to eat and sleep a bit, usually you just sorta face plant on the menu until at least cup number two of coffee." Topping off the cup in question with a giggle, Test pranced away to give Hayfield the order.
Twilight sighed and took another lingering pull at the bitter, life giving brew. It wasn't everyday that she got to visit Hayfield's, and Twilight enjoyed these little solo dining moments. Rarity only once set hoof in the diner before politely excusing herself. Apparently just putting one hoof in was enough to tell the fashionista how little she wanted to do with the establishment. Applejack and Pinkie Pie both just prefered other places for their meals, and Fluttershy wasn't much of one for dining out regardless of venue. Rainbow Dash did tag along from time to time, but would spend the next week or so going over the top with her stunt flying to 'burn off all that extra grease.'
"Hey, pass me that jawn."
Twilight cocked an ear to the booth just behind her. That had sounded like a word she didn't know. And that was rather interesting. 'I wouldn't want to intrude though, maybe I can guess what the word is by context.' Twilight thought to herself. Settling in with her cup of coffee, Twilight focused a bit more attention on the other patrons.
"What, you means this jawn?" Twilight could hear another pony shuffle something with their hooves. One of the shakers, it sounded like. So maybe 'jawn' was some slang word for a salt or pepper shaker? Twilight tapped her chin with a hoof, trying to place the ponies accents.
"No, the other jawn. S'got a nozzle an errything." Twilight frowned and looked over her own array of condiments. So 'jawn' didn't refer to shakers, but to one of the condiment bottles? But there were ketchup, mustard, spicy mustard, and hot sauce bottles on the table, all with nozzles. There's no way any of those could be the mysterious 'jawn', right?
"Oh, sure here." Wait, what?!
"Noice, thanks Cheesy." Twilight boggled in her own seat. There's no way ... Twilight firmed up her resolve and hopped out of the booth. For the sake of her sanity and the accuracy of her paper on the Modern Equestrian tongue, she had to find out what 'jawn' meant.
Lightly stepping over to the booth, Twilight paused to look at the ponies therein. One was a robust pegasus mare, the other a somewhat waifish looking earth pony mare. The pegasus had a dark green coat and a white mane and tail, and was wearing a hoofball jersey. The earth pony had a bright red coat and equally bright blue mane and tail, though her fetlocks and the tips of her mane and tail all ended in white, as though her colors were draining out of her. Looking up from her sandwich (with freshly applied mustard), the earth pony said "Mmph, whas hup?" A quick swallow later, and she tried again; "Hey, what's up?"
Twilight blinked twice. That wasn't the first time she'd seen a pony's throat bulge to accommodate so much food at once, but it was her first time seeing it from a pony that wasn't Pinkie Pie.
"Way ta go Ice, ya broke 'er brain." chortled the green pegasus. Ice promptly flushed scarlet (or more scarlet as it were) and shot the pegasus a dirty look. "Shuddup Cheesy, I just forgot is all."
Twilight blinked for a third time and coughed into one hoof. "Uh, no, it's fine. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I was hoping I could ask you two a couple of questions."
Cheesy and Ice looked at each, shrugged, and looked back to Twilight. "Sure, but why dontcha hop up here and take a seat wit us. No sense'n makin' you sit on tile when there's space up here." Cheesy said before deftly hopping over the table to sit next to Ice.
Twilight flashed the burly pegasus a relieved smile before taking her recently vacated seat. "Thanks! So I overheard you talking a little bit, and I got very curious about that word you were using, 'jawn'. Can you explain what it means, oh, and maybe where your from?" Twilight pulled out the roughly bound primer on Modern Equestrian and some loose papers. 'Maybe this could make a nice forward.' she silently mused.
Twilight blinked and missed at least part of what happened next. Cheesy and Ice looked at each other, grins started to form on their features, Twilight blinked, and then they were looking back at her with curiously blank expressions. "Sure as sure we can. Lemmie start by properly introducin' ourselves tho." said Cheesy.
Gesturing to herself, "I'm Cheesesteak, and this is my marefriend Wooder Ice." Wooder Ice made a little waving motion before stiffling a giggle fit at Twilight's quirked eyebrow.
Seeing Twilight's quill start scribbling, Wooder Ice held up her hooves in an X. "Whoa, slow up there Twilight. What Cheesy was tryin' to say is my name is," Wooder paused to clear her throat before carefully enunciating "Water Ice. Ugh, s' such a hassle to say it all proper like."
Twilight almost snapped her quill, and Water Ice's name trailed off in wasted ink. "Wait, why is your name Water Ice?"
If it wasn't for Cheesesteak and Water Ice's massive grins, Twilight would have likely chosen to teleport away rather than face the humiliation for asking about another ponies name. "I just mean, because, well aren't water and ice the same thing? Just at different temperatures and states of matter!"
As Twilight continued to stammer apologies and try to explain why she found it so hard to believe a pony would be named after two different states of water, Cheesesteak had tears running down her face from gut born laughter and Water Ice was rapidly running out of breath from giggling.
As High Test calmly settled Twilight's food in front of her, Twilight took her embarrassment out on her hayfries. After all, if her mouth was full, maybe stupid, imprecise words would stop coming out. 'Ooo, note to self, develop a spell that allows for speaking while the caster's mouth is full. I bet that'd be interesting to test.'
"Ah, ah sorry Twilight. It's jus always such fine to watch ponies flip their lids tryin' figure out my name." Water Ice grinned in a part apologetic, part mischevious manner (about a 60/40 split by Twilight's best guess) and stood up in the booth. "Here, maybe seeing my cutie mark will make it easier on you." As Water Ice pointed to her flank, Twilight saw the rainbow hued snow cone there.
"Hey, how come when I tried to eye your flank when we just met you punched me in the eye?" Cheesesteak asked in a slightly hurt tone.
Water Ice sat back down, rolling her eyes. "Cause you started the conversation with 'Hey ice flank, nice flank!'" Water Ice giggled, "Admit it, if anypony said something like that to me now, you'd kick their plot so hard they'd get to visit the Moon without needing to offend Celestia."
Cheesesteak chortled and nuzzled Water Ice, "Can't argue with the truth."
Twilight coughed lightly into one hoof, drawing the two mare's attention back to the table. "I hope you'll excuse my ignorance, but I don't see the relation between your name and snow cones."
Water Ice smiled, "Do you know any other names for snow cones?"
"Well, I've also heard of it referred to as Neightalian ice, why?"
"Ah, see, in Fillydelphia, Neightalian ice is called water ice, and with the accent it often sounds like wooder ice." chimed Cheesesteak, who took extra care to enunciate around the hay fries she'd filched from Twilight's plate while she was busy taking notes.
Overlooking the blatant theft of her lunch, Twilight added that information to her notes. "Interesting. Thanks for the information; those little bits of detail really do help hold a paper together." Twilight flipped to a blank page, "But, please, could you explain that word, jawn? I am working myself into a bit of a tizzy; it's so infrequent that I learn a new word these days, it's like Hearth's Warming came early!"
Cheesesteak snickered and Water Ice elbowed her marefriend in the side. "Ignore Cheesy here, she things getting excited to learn things is uncool."
"And I'm right!" laughed Cheesesteak. Seeing Water Ice start to pout, the brawny pegasus quickly smothered her mirth and nuzzled Ice. "But for some very special ponies, they can make the uncool the coolest."
Water Ice groaned, "In the interest of keeping Cheesy here from devolving into more ice-slash-cold puns, lemmie tell you what jawn means."
Twilight nodded with feverish anticipation, quill hovering over the paper. Water Ice nudged the bottle of mustard to the center of the table. "This is a jawn."
"Ooh, so 'jawn' is another designation for mustard in Fillydelphia?" Twilight asked as comprehension dawned. Quick notations on her paper screeched to a halt as Water Ice nudged the salt shaker forward.
"This is also a jawn." Water Ice quietly said, and with great solemnity, she pointed to Twilight's coffee cup. "That's also a jawn."
Twilight's eyelid began to twitch. "So jawns are not just condiments, but also coffee? Or just coffee cups?" The quill gripped in Twilight's magic made fitful twitches across the page, splattering tiny spots of ink as Twilight's self control was taxed.
Cheesesteak, pointed one hoof at High Test where she sat with a copy of Ponyville's local paper. "She's also a jawn," Cheesesteak said around the hoof she was using to try and hide her smile.
Twilight's quill snapped, and the purple unicorn slammed both hooves on the table top. "WHAT!?" Quickly remembering herself, Twilight sat back down and waved off Hayfield's questioning look from behind the counter. "What do you mean High Test is a jawn? How does one word mean so much?!"
Water Ice and Cheesesteak were leaning against each other, doing their very best not to laugh too loudly at Twilight's distress. "I think the best way, heh, to describe it s'like a multi-tool," giggled Water Ice. "It's not really precise, but it gets the job done."
Cheesesteak wiped a pair of tiny tears from her eyes, "Hoo-boy, I haven't laughed that long in ages."
"You mean five minutes ago when Twilight was loosin' her cool about my name?"
"Yup, ages." snickered Cheesesteak.
Twilight sighed and did her best to remove some of the ink splotches on her notes. "What's the point in having a word that's so imprecise?"
"Cause it's Filly's and nowhere elses." declared Cheesesteak, chest thrust out pridefully. "Plus, it's great for getting other Fillydelphian's to pay attention real quick. All you need to do is say, 'Check out that jawn', and they have to look where you're pointing, or ask for clarification. Heck, it's how I've broken the ice at a lot of parties and stuff."
Water Ice sat up suddenly, "Oh, and jawn isn't just things or ponies, it's also places and events. There's been a lot of times when somepony would ask me if I saw Cheesy's latest jawn, or been to that baller jawn down the block. Hoofball game and a house party, in case you were wondering."
Twilight added a few more notes with her shortened quill. "I ... guess that makes more sense. I still don't see how ponies could go around calling everything, anything, and anypony a jawn day in and day out though."
Cheesesteak frowned a bit, "Well you can't use jawn all the time. I think the best time to use it is when you can't think of the proper word to use."
Water Ice nodded sagely, putting on an air of worldly wisdom. "True dat. S'like when I told Cheesy to pass me the mustard but the word 'mustard' was on the tip of my tongue, so I just used jawn instead."
Twilight scribbled for a few more moments while Cheesy and Water Ice polished off her hay fries. The purple unicorn made sure to scoot her sandwich a bit closer to herself. "So, I do have one other question. All words come from somewhere; do either of you know the etymology of jawn?"
Cheesesteak blinked slowly with an expression of befuddlement, while Water Ice tapped her chin with a hoof for a moment. "Etymology, etymology, oh!" Water Ice sat up and smiled brightly, "You mean you want to know what word jawn was derived from?"
Twilight nodded eagerly as she summoned a fresh quill. "Yes please!" Looking down at her notes, Twilight cocked her ears to signal she was ready to hear about how 'jawn' came to be.
Water Ice caught Cheesesteak's eye and grinned slyly. The two mares carefully schooled their expressions into displays of neutrality before Water Ice deliberately cleared her throat. "I have no idea."
Twilight slammed her head into the table. "I should have seen this coming." Groaning, she rested her chin on the cool tabletop and glanced over at Cheesesteak. "How about you Cheesesteak, do you know what word jawn comes from?"
Cheesesteak shook her head emphatically. "No way. I heard about it from my older brother, and he said he heard about it from his best friend. As far as I know, everypony knows somepony else who knew the word first. S'like jawn just existed one day, with nopony to hold responsible."
Twilight's left eye twitched. She could feel bits of her mane spring out of place, and it felt like the dinner was getting warmer. Anger, unspeakable anger roiled away in her at the thought that a word could just be, with no origin to speak of.
"Uh, Twi? You're kinda on fire." stammered Water Ice.
As Twilight's eyes began to glow with eldritch light, Cheesesteak slapped a hoofful of bits onto the table, grabbed Water Ice about the barrel and jetted out of the dinner on powerful wing beats, shouting "Nice to meet you all, peace!"
"No origin?!" roared Twilight, arcane winds tearing at the venetian blinds and sending High Test scrambling for cover as coffee cups and plates whipped around the raging purple unicorn. Purple and black flames licked at her coat and replaced her mane and tail entirely. Twilight stood up on the booth's table, scoring the surface with mystical fire and summoned ink. "If jawn came from the void itself, then from the void I will tear its true meaning and origin!"
Twilight laughed manically, bending her formidable intellect to tearing her way into the space between worlds. "Luna asked me for a report on language, and with the Sun and Moon as my witnesses, I shall not be denied!"
* * *
Mayor Mare sighed from the chair in her office. Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash had all run by the town hall a few minutes ago. It wasn't hard to guess their destination, anypony could see the gaping rent in the sky just over Hayfield's Diner. The sounds of babbled words and letters, from thousands of languages and an uncountable number of throats, filled the air, and ponies caught near the source reportedly were, ah, how did Pinkie Pie put it?
"Oh yes, 'flipping the fudge out' and screaming about John or something." mused Mayor Mare. "I don't know what minotaur or diamond dog has caused this fiasco, oh maybe a griffon, but I trust Twilight and her friends will resolve it neatly."
Sighing, Mayor Mare opened on of her desk drawers and pulled out the counter, labeled 'Days Without Incident/Mishap/Catastrophe'. Mayor Mare pressed the button that reset the count from '6' back down to '0'.
"Oh well," muttered Mayor Mare, "maybe next week it'll be quiet and I can finally go up to seven."
Author's Note
If Fillydelphia is Philadelphia, but with ponies, then clearly they have water ice, cheesesteaks, and the greatest word ever, jawn. This is how I think Twilight would react to jawn, so now ya'll get to read about it too.