Epic Roast Battles of Equestria

by Anon ymous

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 1702

Famous people of earth get into rap battles with my little pony cast.

(Based loosely on Epic Rap Battles of History.)

Famous people of earth get into roast battles with My Little Pony cast.

These are short, as they are mostly dialog, so short shorts if you will.

Made with Eternal Aviator , thecakeisabiglie, and of course me.

Published 2015-12-14 11:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-14 11:00:01 UTC

Bill Nye vs Twilight Sparkle

A crumbling sound was heard, parts of the crystalline castle fell shook loose from the roof of the room Princess Twilight Sparkle was in and she noticed a faint song echoing through the room, steadily getting louder and rather obnoxious.

“Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill Nye the science guy!” A seemingly third-person voice yelled in dramatically changing tones as a bipedal being wearing a blue suit jacket over a white vest with a black bow tie flew in through a newly made hole in the ceiling with a jetpack. He dropped the jet pack and landed flawlessly in one careless move and turned to face the Princess of Friendship.

“Today we're gonna learn a few facts about how the solar system works and how your ruler has absolutely no tact!” He stated matter-of-factly.

A sudden and urging annoyance bubbled up in the gut of the Princess as she found herself a lot less worried about who or what this being was and more so that he was challenging the logic of Equestria’s two rulers.

“Why would I need to learn about something that’s not true, especially when my books give me all the information I require to prove you wrong? I bet your theories are as half-baked as a squires prior dreams!.” Twilight snapped, a foul expression planted on her features.

Bill Nye laughed dramatically loud. “Your bullshit is enough to fill a black hole, and they're endless like the false theories that are printed in your books I bet!”

“The sun and moon are moved by magic, but I bet the gravity of your ego alone could make them go on there own!” Twilight retorted, a small smirk coming to her lip.

“Hah! You think that’s how it works? Times must be dire, the sun doesn't even move, that’s just a conspiracy made by some liar for pushovers like you to eat up for breakfast!”

Twilight scoffed. “The sun is moved by powerful magic, and fibbers get ponies to follow, thus I think you must be quite the liar.”

“Oho, that’s rich... Every time you come up with something you say it’s because of magic this and magic that; science is proven, your bizarre theories are cloven in half by my facts. So contrary to popular belief, Einstein, I think you’re telling yourself all the lies you've ever heard.” The scientist chortled.

“Our logic is far more superior,” The princess replied, her brow furrowed. “We have evidence to say so, a powerful pony to do so, now why don’t you go back to whatever backwater hovel you crawled out of and have your own ponies preach your horrid theories?” The purple alicorn sneered, thinking she had won.

Bill Nye didn’t respond, but instead slowly floated into the air, extending his arms out from his sides which caused the castle to rumble like an earthquake before quickly ascending into space with Bill Nye’s power of science.

“Look over there…” Bill said, pointing at a nearby solar system that seemed impossibly close. “Now over there…” He continued, pointing at another. “What do you see? Planets moving around suns, and moons moving around planets! How do you explain that? Science has the facts and the proof! Now prepare to have your mind blown.”

Twilight was aghast. “But wait that's wrong! Haven’t you seen the sun? The princess moves it! Are you so dense as to deny their existence?” The princess insisted. “Go back to your backwards world and cry to your parents, because you have just lost and can't put up resistance!” Twilight Sparkle yelled in a shout that shook the floating castle to the foundation, the blazing sun at her back and her wings flared outwards threateningly.

Bill Nye folded his arms, and looked into Twilight eyes. Forcing all the intensity of every great scientist across the universe into a single statement, from Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein to himself.

“Fact after fact, I have proven you wrong, your life wrong, your beliefs wrong, and all you could do was use your half assed books written from all but relics of beliefs by people who had nothing more to believe in. In fact you don't even exist!” Bill Nye stated, his voice echoing across the infinite expanses of space as though it were multiple people talking at once, shaping the universe itself for eons to come.

The duo fell into a deathly silence as space and time echoed around them, their gazes hot enough to rival the largest of suns that surrounded them as time seemingly froze around them.

Author's Note

WHO WON? WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE? VOTE IN THE COMMENTS.

Travis Miles vs Fluttershy

Travis Miles vs Fluttershy

A wooden door was busted down as a black boot, followed by the leg of a blue jumpsuit, bashed in the lock. A man covered in metal armour stepped out and promptly stabbed himself with a hypodermic needle for splinter damage. Right behind the heavily armoured man was a slouched and meek young man in a letterman Jacket.

“I… I don't know if this is a good idea, S-Sir.” The boy grumbled to the armoured man.

“Shut up, Travis. You were challenged to a fight, and I'm here to help.” The heavily armoured man said as he drew a futuristic looking pistol. “Now, where are they?”

Just as suddenly as the duo had busted in, another large fist smashed through a window on the other side of the room. A bull head with a headset attached to it followed suit.

“Here's Iron Will!” The Bull’s head said as it clamored through the broken window, pursued by a worried-looking yellow Pegasus. “ Fluttershy wants to battle the one named Travis!” Iron Will said as he gestured to the pony behind him.

“B-b-but I don't want to fight anypony!” she whisper-shouted, while hiding behind her long pink mane.

“I, uh, um, I… don't want to fight either, man.” Travis shakily answered back, eyes darting around, looking for an escape.

“Fuck that! Put your fists up, Travis! You're gonna’ fight!” The armoured man shouted before giving Travis a push forward and taking a step back.

Iron Will seemed to seize up before looking down and facepalming himself. “When Iron Will said fight, he meant to fight with words. We just had to choose the weakest target around.”

“H-hey!” Travis defended, before getting a glare from the Sole Survivor and shutting up instantly.

“Well, why didn't you fucking say so?” The armoured man replied. “Travis, put your fists down. You're gonna’ fight with your mouth.” He gave the skittish boy another shove forward. On the other side of the room the small Pegasus was shoved forward as well, as the two motivators of the room gave confident nods to the nervous duo.

“H-hi... I'm um, uh… I'm Travis? Apparently we’re supposed to fight with words… I guess.” He scratched the back of his neck and looked down nervously.

“Well, uh, I'm Fluttershy.” She replied in an almost whisper tone. She then turned her head upward and looked Travis in the eyes. “And I won't let Iron Will down again!” she followed up in a regular talking tone.

“I don't know about you, but I think I've made bigger accomplishments in life then you probably ever could! Oh, sorry I didn't mean-” A snap from the Minotaur in the room shut her up as Travis began.

“I mean, I live in a nuclear wasteland? Doesn't that count for more than you could ever survive in your… uh, pathetic life?” The Sole Survivor let out a Whoop for the roasts that his homeboy Travis was putting down.

“But just look at you. You look weak and scrawny what could you ever do? I mean that's not-” Another snap from the Bull made her quiet.

“I may look like that, but at least I'm not afraid of my own shadow?” Travis looked back to give a glance at The Sole Survivor. “Am I even doing this right?” A reassuring nod from the armoured wastelander made him chuckle awkwardly and face Fluttershy again.

“That isn't true! At least I went to get help instead of, oh, you know…” She trailed off and looked slightly ashamed. Iron Will made an audible sigh and she finished her earlier line of thought. “Instead of, instead of having to get help from my friends!” The yellow mare spat out.

Travis looked taken aback. Than he remembered that his only friends were a Gopnik who owned a bar and an insane wanderer that was on a conquest for his son. That didn't cheer him up. The inhaler of Psycho he was handed by the Sole Survivor with a passing comment of “Your roasts aren't doing enough damage, take some Psycho.” did though.

Travis took a hit and dropped the drug. His eyes widened, went bloodshot, and he sprouted a massive grin. He maniacally laughed for a few seconds before snapping his head to Fluttershy, which she flinched at.

“Ha, ha, ha! Man, my friends can talk at least, most of yours are dumb as rocks, it's like bread with too much Yeast, it's just bad and sad.” He cackled to himself and waited for her response with baited breath.

Something snapped in Fluttershy at the insult aimed toward her Animal Friends. “I actually have a life! Something you could never get! All you do is stay in a shack in a city and play the same songs over and over again! Mines rife with excitement, yours is filled with embarrassment!”

“Oooh, that hurt! No, not really, how many fights have you been in? I'm guessing none because of how absolutely easy it is to cow you! That's all you'll ever be, a coward, never brave a second in your life! Oh wait! What am I talking about? You don't have one!” Travis snapped back almost exactly after Fluttershy fired off her burn.

Fluttershy took a step back to calm herself, Travis followed suit. Time froze as the effects of the Psycho and Flutterrage wore off and the both of them stared at the floor in shame.

Author's Note

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE? WHO WON? YOU DECIDE.

Special guest editor: Magnificent Toaster