Chris Chan's Equestria Adventure

by Fernandothestraw

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Adventure
Length: 1917

Chris Chan starts a new life in Equestria after leading an unsuccessful one on Earth

The probability of a human landing in Ponyville as a pony is akin to getting rescued by another starship 29 seconds after being thrown overboard from the previous one. However, this is what happened to Chris Chan. Will he be a failure, as always, or will he be able to start anew and better himself?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-10 14:22:51 UTC

Starting from Scratch

Chris Chan, the founder of Sonichu Inc, had yet again came up with a brilliant idea. In an attempt to promote his Sonichu toys, he drew a lewd picture of it.

Chris immediately set off to work. Using his incomplete set of colour pencils, he started drawing and finished in less than half an hour. It depicts Sonichu fingering his childhood bestie whilst shouting “Julayyyy” in orgasmic fervor.

It is not surprising that the drawing soon received tons of negative remarks across the internet.

L33tg4m3e: lol kris u suxx0rz

Fetishist1342: Seriously dude, just do humanity a favor and kill urself

PewdiePinkie: I never knew Chris Chan could stoop that low. This is bad even for his standard

Suxcokz Cleetus: Your parents must be proud of me chris

Julay29126: Sometimes I regret having u as a childhood friend

The last one hit him hard. After reading it he cried for the whole day.

“Chris, time for dinner!” His mother called out and concurrently rolled her eyes. She always wondered that had she practised safe sex 30 years ago, she would not have to raise up a basement-dwelling manchild.

“Chris, come down this instant or I won’t wash your dirty, crapped briefs for a week!” She raised her voice. It usually works wonders, but not this time.

Heaving a deep sigh, Chris’ mom went down to the basement to check on him.

Chris was dangling on a noose, his lifeless body swinging from side to side. That one comment from his childhood friend has killed his will to live. On the table lay a suicide note. His mom picked it up and started reading it.

“Hi, I am Kristien Weston Chandler, der oreeginal kreater of Sonichu and Rosechu. I has decide to kill miself cos mi sweethart Julay made me sad. I can not take it so I kill miself. To mi mother, tanks for washing mi derti, kraped breefs all der time. Plz help me promote mi Sonichu. Dis is all I wish.”

“And nothing of value was lost,” she shrugged and promptly left the room. After delivering that sick burn, the noose broke, no longer able to withstand Chris’ obesity.

Chris opened his eyes. He looked around, and was shocked to find out that he landed in Ponyville. Being the original brony that he was, Chris was immediately able to recognise the all too familiar town. He looked down and found out that his limbs have turned into hooves. He’s a pony now!

He checked his body, and was disappointed to find out that he’s just an ordinary earth pony.

“Hi friend, welcome to Ponyville!” Chris was suddenly face to face with Pinkie Pie.

“Omg Pinkie!” He rushed towards the pink mare and snuggled her tightly. He then started chewing on her mane to find out whether it really taste like cotton candy.

“What the buck are you doing!?” Pinkie Pie violently kicked Chris in the groin as he started licking her cutie mark. The usually nice and patient mare seemed increasingly annoyed by Chris’ outrageous antics.

“Yeow!!!” Chris shrieked in pain. He then cooked up a sob story about how his house had burned to ashes, rendering him homeless. The irony lies in the fact that this actually happened when he was still alive.

Pinkie Pie sighed. “Follow me to Princess Twilight’s castle, my friends and I will think of a solution.”

Soon, they arrived at the castle. The interior was unlike anything he saw on the show. It was filled with pony porn and rule 34 My Little Human. On his left was a giant mosaic depicting Twilight and Rainbow Dash in a 69 position whereas on his right he could see a picture of Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Fluttershy having a threesome. There are many such pictures hung on the walls and a few My Little Human posters as well.

“Hey girls! We got a new pony in town!” Pinkie Pie cheered, expecting excitement from her friends.

The rest of the mane 6 looked at Chris Chan and their face immediately turned beet red. Pinkie Pie stared at him and leaped a step back in disgust.

Chris enormous member was dangling down after getting an involuntary hard-on from all the lewd paintings hanging in the corridor. This alone would not have proven to be that much of a problem. Unfortunately for Chris, so turned on was he that he had involuntarily shat himself too. This time, there were no dirty, crapped briefs to hide him from the embarrassment.

He looked down. A puddle of shit had formed on the ground.

Pinkie laughed awkwardly and quickly shoved Chris out of the room. Outside, she held him firmly against the wall and chided him menacingly, “Yo, faggot, don’t you bucking dare embarrass me in front of company, you hear me? One more time and I’m going to make cupcakes outta yo ass, motherbucker!

Chris timidly nodded, cowering at her out-of-character behavior.  This time, he re-entered the castle room, making sure to control his behavior and most importantly, his bowels.

“Hello, pleased to meet you. My name is Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship. May I ask what’s yours?” Twilight asked with a fake smile plastered on her face.

“My name is Chris Chan, the original creator of Sonichu and Rosechu. I’m coming to live a new life in Equestria after my house burned down and killed everyone in my family except me…” Chris droned on about his fake predicaments and by the end of his lament, Fluttershy was in tears.

“Oh you poor, poor thing! Come and stay with me, I’ll make sure you’ll be comfy in my little cottage!” Fluttershy volunteered.

Chris eagerly agreed. But then he suddenly remembered the yellow pegasus’ role in the show.

“Erm… Fluttershy? Do you happen to keep ducks in your cottage?”

“I do keep a family of ducks in my cottage. Why do you ask?”

“Fuck! I’m not going to stay in a hellhole full  of ducks!” He reacted with disgust.

Awkward silence ensued.

“Erm… Chris, how in tarnation did ya know that Fluttershy keeps critters in her cottage?” Applejack question.

He frantically racked his brains for a good excuse. Too bad, it isn’t big enough to process much thoughts. In the end, he resorted to probably the worst excuse ever.

“I looked into the cottage while she was experimenting with a rabbit.”

“Like I give a buck about giving you a shelter!” Fluttershy lashed out at him angrily and stormed out of the room.

Chris shrugged nonchalantly. He was not too fond of her anyways.

“So… who else wants to volunteer?” Twilight asked. She was slowly running out of patience. Chris was probably one of the most impudent and disrespectful pony she has ever met in her life.

“Not me! Crapping yourself is one thing, but being a peeping Tom is just too uncool for me,” with that said, Rainbow Dash swiftly flew out of the room to join Fluttershy.

“Applejack, what about you?”

Chris shook his head violently. He hated farm life and was afraid of having to do farmwork as rent.

He looked around at his remaining options. His eyes instantly fell on Rarity. Not only had Rarity been his favourite pony ever since MLP turned G4, but recently she has also started to become his ultimate waifu.

How should he make his first move?

He walked towards Rarity and holding her cheeks, he said, “let me live with you, baby. You have the nicest plot in the whole of Equestria. If you let me stay I’ll be your sweetheart forever. We can even make Sonichu toys together!”

Smooth.

“Go away you dirty ruffian!” Rarity slapped him across the face, followed by incoherent swearing. If Rarity’s unladylike reaction was considered hardcore, then Spike’s one following suit could be said to be out of the world.

“You bucking retarded asshole! Motherbucking small dick bucktard! Get the bucking buck away from Rarity, or I’ll bucking burn you with my bucking fire breath, Faggot! If you don’t leave her alone this bucking instant, I swear you’ll never bucking see the motherbucking daylight!” Spike hollered at Chris while furiously punching his fists in the air.

Rarity pulled Spike away just as he was about to flip him the bird. The duo then left the room, leaving Twilight and Pinkie alone with Chris.

Twilight sighed. “Okay, Pinkie Pie, that leaves you. Please don’t argue this time, for I can feel my sanity level slowly dropping.

“Okie dokie lokie… “ Pinkie Pie muttered under her breath, her expression devoid of enthusiasm.

Chris Chan contemplated for a moment. Living with Pinkie Pie is probably the best choice for him. Firstly, besides her out-of character moment, Pinkie Pie is probably the nicest pony in Ponyville. Secondly, there will be lots of cakes and other delicious pastries in Sugarcube Corner. It is of little surprise that the latter appealed to him more.

And thus he readily agreed, much to the pink mare’s disappointment.

Later that day, he toured around Ponyville together with Pinkie Pie, whom had also taken up the job as his personal tour guide. He was able to recognise most of the ponies. “Hi Carrot Top.” “Sup Lyra.” “Are you two lesbians, Bon Bon?” The other ponies cast him a puzzled look every time her greeted them. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie hung her head low in embarrassment.

Soon, the arduous tour was over. By then, it was already evening. Pinkie Pie brought Chris back to Sugarcube Corner and over there, she explained to Mr and Mrs Cake about his plight.

“Sure, we can keep him, but do keep a look out for him,” Mrs Cake reluctantly agreed after Pinkie’s incessant pleas. Very soon, Chris jumped into Pinkie’s bed and promptly fell asleep.

“Hey! Get off my bed!” Pinkie Pie shouted and shook Chris Chan back and forth to wake him up. It was futile. By then Chris was already sound asleep. After much hesitation, Pinkie Pie jumped into the other side of the bed with a feeling of utter dismay.

Pinkie Pie yelped in the middle of the night. She was feeling intense pain down her privates. She looked down and saw Chris Chan biting her clitoris. Blood was trickling down her privates as he continued devouring it.

“Mmm… delicious!” Chris muttered in his dreams. With one final chomp, he sliced her clitoris up, separating it from the rest of the vagina.

Pinkie Pie screamed hysterically and kicked him in the face. This woke him up immediately and also forced the bit of flesh out of his mouth.

The commotion woke both Mr and Mrs Cake up. They entered Pinkie Pie’s room, fearing a rape.

They stood speechless as they stared at Pinkie Pie’s privates. Blood was gushing out of the wound and the missing piece of clitoris could be seen on the ground 3 feet away from her. The poor mare was wailing in pain while Chris Chan tried to comfort her with crappy Donald duck impersonations. It only made her plight worse.

“We got to call the ambulance!” Mrs Cake shouted. Not long after an ambulance arrived and Mr Cake helped with loading Pinkie Pie onto the stretcher.

There was one more challenge. Pinkie’s clitoris was lying on the floor and covered with Chris’ slimy saliva. The paramaredics looked at one another, and in unison, pointed at the fattest one in the group.

“Buck my life…” The scapegoat muttered under his breath as he bent down to pick it up.