Mr. Bean in Equestria

by totallynotabrony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Other, Comedy, Crossover, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2294

Exactly what it sounds like

It's about Mr. Bean in Equestria.

Published 2012-06-05 20:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-05 20:54:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Early one morning, the residents of Ponyville were visited by a strange creature. He did not make a very exciting entrance, making his first appearance curled up on a park bench and fast asleep.

The creature, called a man by some of his fellows and a nitwit by others, was rather elongated by pony standards. The bench struggled to contain all of him. He was clad in slacks and a tweed jacket. Lacking a proper mane, the top of his head was covered in a simple thatch of dark hair. The look on his face was placid. Perhaps he dreamed of brightly colored magic ponies.

“What in the world is this thing?” asked a teal unicorn mare.

The other pony shook her head, tossing her pink and purple mane. “I have no idea.”

“That’s our favorite bench, Bon-Bon,” the unicorn complained. “We always sit there.”

The other mare comforted her friend. “There there, Lyra. I’m sure we can find somewhere else to go.”

“But I can’t sit just anywhere,” retorted the teal pony. “You know how bad my scoliosis is. I have to sit a certain way in a certain place.”

“There’s a lot of benches around here,” her friend reminded her. “Let’s go find another one.”

Shortly after the pair of them walked away, a purple unicorn hurried by with her nose buried in a book. She failed to notice the strange creature on the bench, even when he rolled over in his sleep with a grunt. She was busy reading about multidimensional teleportation and had no time to stop and observe the scenery or the multidimensional traveler currently sleeping on the bench.

A few more minutes passed. A battered cart rolled by, pushed by a stallion who wore an apron and a little paper hat.

“Hot drinks!” the pony called. “Breakfast tea.”

The man shot up off the bench and marched over to the startled vendor pony. The stallion stuttered and backed away. “Uh, tea?”

The man nodded vigorously. If he had been a little more awake, he might have been a little more appreciative of the fact that he was surrounded by an entire town full of ponies. For the moment, however, his number one objective was to acquire something hot and brewed to drink.

The pony set a cup of tea on the top of his cart. Grabbing the sugar container, the man poured quite a lot of sweetener into the cup before tossing back the beverage in one gulp. He sighed contentedly, and opened his wallet.

The tea seller would not seem to accept payment with British Pounds. It was really quite troubling, and the man became slightly anxious at the notion that he might be in France. Well, it was a good thing that he had his lucky Euro.

The pony stared at the two-toned coin that the strange creature had produced. Rather than argue further, he said, “Thank you, and have a good day,” before hurrying away with his cart.

Turning around, the man swept his eyes over the park, taking in the bench where he’d woken up, the lack of gloomy British weather, and the dozens of colorful ponies that were everywhere. He froze, staring in astonishment at the things previously mentioned and a few new ones just for variety.

There was a gentle tug on his trouser leg. “What’s your name?” asked a small yellow pony who wore a pink bow in her red mane. Two other fillies, an orange one with wings and a white one with a horn, stood nearby.

The man knelt to the ground, thinking it only proper that he not speak down to a new acquaintance. He cleared his throat. “Bean.”

“That’s nice,” said the white filly.

“It’s simple,” added the orange one.

The man agreed with that. People were always telling him that he was simple. After all, that was surely better than being complicated.

“So, what now?” asked the first pony. Her voice was twangy and drawly and reminded Bean of a cowgirl in a western.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders figure out what the heck this guy is?” suggested the orange filly, pointing a hoof at the man.

“What would a cutie mark for that even look like?” asked the yellow pony.

“Um, anyway,” broke in the white one. “He’s wearing weird clothes. Maybe my sister can help.”

Bean had no idea what they were talking about, but the weather was pleasant enough for a stroll, so he followed them when they beckoned.

Outside the park, the town buildings were all brightly colored and seemed festive. It reminded Bean of a circus. He thought that the all the ponies must be some kind of sideshow.

The three little ponies led him inside a shop that looked something like a carnival carousel. “Hey Rarity,” called one of them. “Come meet our friend, Bean.”

A white unicorn stepped out from the back room. “Very well, let me—” she stopped short as she laid eyes on the visitor. A shriek escaped her lips.

The man checked his clothing. Front, back, side to side, arms, legs. After several seconds of frantic searching, he found no stains or otherwise objectionable things.

“Oh my, tweed? said Rarity, walking over. “Mr. Bean, we simply must do something about that jacket.” The horn on her forehead glowed and the buttons on the front of the garment began to undo themselves.

Bean nervously let her have the jacket. She dropped it on a table near the door. Next, the pony began tugging on his tie. The man clutched at his throat, trying to conceal the fact that it was a clip-on. The buttons on his shirt began to slip loose.

It was his belt buckle coming undone that finally provided sufficient motivation for Bean to leave, and quickly. Holding his trousers up with one hand, he grabbed his jacket and dashed out the door.

“Stop!” called Rarity. Bean didn’t. Outside, he paused momentarily to redress himself, and then resumed his frantic escape.

The man had never regretted tea before, and still didn’t, but was very sorry to have spent his Euro. If being disrobed by a unicorn was the price of such an action, he most certainly would be carrying two lucky coins from now on.

A whimsical building carved from the inside of a tree presented itself. A sign out front indicated that it was a library, so Bean ducked inside. What better place to hide?

Unfortunately, the building consisted of just one large room and no convenient bookshelves to conceal one’s self behind. There was also a dragon.

“Um, hey,” said the small purple creature. “I’m Spike. Need a book?”

Bean nodded and plucked one off a nearby table. He spread it open and did his best impression of a scholar examining something highly important. He hoped his acting was successful. The book was written in a language he had never seen before.

“Oh, astrophysics,” said the dragon, sounding impressed. “You must be really smart.”

The man waved a hand as if flattered.

“No, don’t ‘oh you’ me,” said Spike. “I want to learn. Show me something cool.”

Bean thought for a moment and knelt down, reaching behind the one of the larger scales on the side of the dragon’s head. They resembled ears, so he figured the trick would work well enough. He pulled out a ten pence coin and showed it to the dragon.

“Whoa,” exclaimed Spike. “How’d you do that?”

“Magic.” Bean snorted with laughter.

The library door opened. “Spike!” called a voice. “I just talked to Rarity. She says a strange creature wearing tacky clothing named Mr. Bean is in town.”

The dragon hooked a clawed thumb at the man. “That might be him, Twilight.”

Bean put on a wide smile and waved vigorously to the purple unicorn that had just come through the door.

“He knows some super cool magic,” added Spike.

“Really?” Twilight walked closer and offered a hoof, which Bean took. A wave of electricity rippled through the unicorn’s body, her mane and tail standing out straight.

Bean chuckled and put his hand in his pocket, concealing the joy buzzer. Twilight stumbled back, unhurt but very surprised.

Spike laughed. “Oh wow, you should have seen the look on your face, Twilight. He got you good.”

The unicorn grumbled at the foalish prank. “Anyway, Rainbow was telling me about a strange machine that Applejack found on her farm. It has an emblem on it that says ‘Mini,’ and apparently it smashed into her barn.”

Mr. Bean folded his hands behind him and looked towards the ceiling.

“Sounds interesting,” said Spike.

“You’re not coming,” said Twilight, still irritated that he’d laughed at her. She turned her attention to the man. “You, however…”

His eyes flicked back and forth, looking for a potential escape route. Fortunately, the pony wasn’t interested in fighting or even stripping his clothes off. She turned to go and gestured for him to follow.

A short walk away was a farm with apple trees. An orange pony who wore a cowboy hat was examining a piece of equipment that was currently embedded in the side of a building. Bean recognized the yellow-green automobile but pretended he didn’t.

“Twilight, Ah’m glad you’re here,” said the orange pony. She looked at the creature walking with the unicorn. “Who’s this?”

“Applejack, this is Mr. Bean,” said the purple pony.

Bean gave the farmer a short wave before going back to pretending that it was the first time he had ever seen the car. The front end was buried in the wall of the barn, but he managed to get one door open.

He smiled as he plucked a plush bear from the dashboard. “Teddy!”

“Is that yours?” said Twilight accusingly. The man waved a hand dismissively, looking away and hiding the bear behind his back.

There was a flutter of wings and a multicolored pony descended from the sky. “Hey, is this the guy who trashed your barn?”

“We’re still workin’ on answerin’ that question, Rainbow,” replied Applejack.

The pegasus walked around the car, examining it as she went. “What does this thing do? Does it move?”

Bean held his tongue. The other two ponies, purple and orange, started talking about something and began to walk away. He thought it would be a fine time to slip into his car and perhaps leave town.

The engine started straight off. Bean happily backed the car out of the barn, which collapsed since there was nothing holding it up any longer. Amid the cloud of dust, he made his getaway.

Bean put on his blinker and made the turn from the farm onto the main road. He adjusted his rearview mirror, and did a double-take. A pair of magenta eyes were glaring at him from the back seat.

“What are you doing?” demanded Rainbow.

With a surprised intake of breath, Bean’s hands flew up, letting the steering wheel chart its own course. It promptly decided to spin the car into a ditch.

The man was out of the car practically before it stopped moving, running hard. The teddy bear was firmly grasped in one hand, but he took nothing else from the car because it might slow him down.

“Hi!” exclaimed a pink pony with a frizzy mane, who bounced alongside him. Bean waved his free hand at her.

“You’re new around here, aren’t you?” said the pony. “I’m Pinkie Pie. Ohmygosh, I know what I should do! I need to throw you a welcome to Ponyville party. It’ll be lots of fun, and you can meet everypony, and have fun, and do fun things!”

Bean stopped running. A party did sound fun. The pink pony led him back to town. In almost less time than it takes to tell, a lavish array of treats and beverages were spread out in a dandily decorated room in the local bakery.

The ponies that Bean had met earlier in the day showed up while he was getting a glass of punch. He carefully kept his back to them, so they wouldn’t recognize his face. There were several things wrong with that plan, however, and they still managed to pick him out of the crowd.

“That was a really wild ride!” exclaimed Rainbow. “I’d like to do that again sometime.”

“I kinda wanted that old barn to come down anyway,” said Applejack.

“Is anypony else concerned that he isn’t from Equestria?” asked Twilight.

“Oh darling, stop being so racist,” answered Rarity. “He’s simply a terrible dresser.”

“That sounds kind of mean,” said a yellow pegasus quietly.

“It’s a party, Fluttershy!” shouted Pinkie. “Lighten up.”

The man raised his glass to that. He helped Teddy with his own drink. Of course, the bear would have to watch his intake.

Several hours later, even the suspicious Twilight had been won over by Mr. Bean’s inability to do anything right.

“I guess he doesn’t have the capability to be a threat to national security,” she admitted, but quickly added, “On purpose.”

The six ponies walked outside with Bean, intending to recover his car. It lay where he had left it, blinker still blinking fitfully.

Twilight pulled the car out of the ditch with her magic. Bean waved goodbye and got in with Teddy. Twilight turned away as he closed the door. She quickly whirled around, or tried to. Her tail was caught in the door.

Bean started the engine and drove away. It had certainly been an interesting adventure meeting the ponies, but hopefully he would get back home soon.

He turned up the radio to cover a strange scream-like noise.

Author note:
Thanks to SmockHobbes for the cover art.
Fun fact: The official color of Mr. Bean's Mini is "applejack green". The more you know.