Lament of an Author

by TAW

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Tragedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 2189

Unproductive, indefensible meta bullshit

Because sometimes just because you put effort into something, doesn't mean it'll turn out well. Sometimes just because you like something doesn't mean others will, and when you hate something others might not. Because sometimes, the majority opinion drives you mad, and yet there's nothing you can do about it.

And yes, I realise the irony of writing indefensibly meta bullshit about indefensibly meta bullshit. This is a joke, not serious, so please nobody be offended--I just wanted to try my hand at writing it to see where the appeal was for people.

Also, I'm so, so sorry I won't do this again
I'll be good

Published 2012-06-05 17:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-05 17:44:02 UTC

Or, how to be the pony everypony should know

Lament Of An Author

Or, being the pony everypony should know

"Hey! Hey Twilight," Applebloom shouted, spotting her across one of Ponyville's busy streets. Twilight was out for one of her scheduled walks, taking in the scenery and chatting with the townsponies. Applebloom was on a mission.

"Oh, hello Applebloom! Not with your friends today?" Twilight asked with a smile. It wasn't often she saw one of the three inseparable Cutie Mark Crusaders on their lonesome. A chill ran through her spine as she talked, as if this conversation was to start an unfortunate series of unwanted events.

"Nah, they're planning something big for the school paper, and I've been sent to get help!" she replied.

"Oh!" Twilight said, her ears perking up. She always enjoyed helping little fillies and colts kindle their love for learning. "How can I help?"

"Have you seen our new stories page?" Applebloom asked, pulling out a copy of the latest paper. Twilight hadn't—she didn't read the local paper, preferring to get her news from imported Canterlot sources like The Equestrian Daily and Playmare.

The stories page hung before her, and Twilight scrutinised it. The page was filled with words, even more so than the usual news or gossip articles, and the header lay at the top of the page like a mission statement: Pony Words Page.

"It's for stories people write!" Applebloom explained, "Anybody can send them in! We've had almost a dozen already, and people keep writing more! Scootaloo thinks the newspaper's gonna take off! She's even writing her own story for it!"

"That's lovely, Applebloom! I'm so glad your class is discovering the fun of creative writing! Why, I used to be quite the author myself, back in my crazy fillyhood days!"

"Twilight?" Celestia called. "Twilight Sparkle, are you up here?"

The princess walked into Twilight's bedroom, searching around for her young protégé. It was time for her lessons and yet she hadn't appeared; Celestia was worried.

"Twilight, it's time for class!" she calmly shouted into the room, hoping Twilight would be able to hear. An instant later she heard a squeak and a bump, followed by an almighty crash from one of the adjacent rooms.

"Twilight!" Celestia gasped, galloping into the room at full speed. When she entered, her mouth fell open in surprise; the end of Twilight's tail was barely visible from under a gargantuan pile of papers and parchments. The trapped unicorn struggled and wiggled, but was stuck tight.

Celestia lifted the obstructions away and brushed the debris from Twilight's coat. "Twilight, are you okay?" she asked, smiling softly to try and ensure the pony it wasn't her fault. Twilight could be so self-concious.

"I'm sorry, Celestia! I couldn't see my sundial under there, so I didn't realise I was late! It won't happen again, I promise!" Twilight replied, shuffling on her hooves and looking down at the floor. She spoke quietly, as if she was resigned to her fate of receiving whatever punishment Celestia thought most worthy.

"You have nothing to apologise for, Twilight. What were you doing under there?" Celestia asked with a voice as smooth as butter and an expression matched only by angels.

"I was writing," Twilight mumbled, still resolutely staring at her forehooves as if the shadow they cast on the ground was the most interesting thing in the world.

"One of your papers?"

"A story," she whispered.

"What's it about?" Celestia prompted, hoping to get more than a 2 word answer from the puzzling mare. How bad could it really be?

"It's about, um..." Twilight trailed off.

"Hm?"

"It's about you," Twilight replied, wincing, "and one of the adventures you went on. I thought everypony should know about it so I started to write about it." Twilight's voice was quiet and squeaky.

"Aww!" Applebloom squealed, "That's so cute!"

"I'm glad you think so," Twilight replied, "Celestia didn't stop laughing for days. She kept trying to apologise through the tears but having to stop halfway through. It was very discouraging."

Applebloom gasped. "Twilight, you should write a story for our page!"

"Oh, I couldn't! I'm no writer, not really," Twilight lied, knowing full well she could write circles around most of the ponies in Ponyville. She wasn't even completely certain Rainbow Dash was completely literate; Pinkie Pie read by running her nose along the letters; Rarity only read cheap soft-core romance novels, and Fluttershy hadn't taken a non-reference manual out of her library since she'd arrived. "But I guess if you really want me to, I could try."

"Would you? Oh, golly gosh thank you Twilight! This is gonna be the best issue ever!" Applebloom said, jumping up and down on her hooves in glee before running off, presumably to break the news to her friends that the real authors had arrived.

Twilight Sparkle turned around and trotted back home, mentally starting to plan her prose and design her dialogue.

"Spike!" she called, the instant she was within her dwelling. "Prepare the writing den!"

Spike gulped and nodded. The writing den hadn't been used since the last time Twilight was running late on her assignments. Those were dark days, and the less said about them the better.

"No, Twilight! We will not delay the dawn to give you more time!" Princess Luna snapped, irritated that she had been called down from watching over the night to answer Twilight's frantic queries.

"But princess! I need more time!"

"Twilight, if you cannot manage your time that is not our problem. My sister would be furious if we refused to relinquish control. Indeed, the last occurrence of that event lead to our banishment, and we do not wish to endure that once more."

"My time management?! It's not my fault you forgot to lock Tartarus again! Face it, princess, you owe me one."

"Very well," Luna snarled, through gritted teeth, "You shall have one additional hour. Pray Celestia takes mercy on me."

"No, it won't be like that this time!" Twilight promised. "I need to write a story before the next issue of Applebloom's school paper, that's all!" Twilight's voice was cheery and chipper, not the frantic and jumpy mess that usually preceded another breakdown, so Spike gave her the benefit of the doubt and went to prepare the den.

Twilight's writing den was a sacred place. A wooden cage of ideas and theory. A material creation for the creation of immaterial concepts. The den was Twilight's home away from home, the place where she could sit and work and work and work.

A few minutes later, Spike exited the den coughing and spluttering with a feather duster in his hand and the look of victory on his face. The den was cleaned and ready.

"Thank you, Spike," Twilight said, "I trust there will be no interruptions until I'm done, okay?"

Twilight walked into the den and closed the door shut behind her. The three locks slid shut, and the magical barrier was sealed. The den was now quite possibly the safest place in Equestria. Twilight turned and looked at her writing desk. Reams of paper hung from the ceiling, and a vast bucket of ink lay on the floor. A pony could write for days and barely even scratch the surface of what it was possible to create in this room.

Twilight planned to do just that.

"Thank you," Twilight said with a smile, handing the bulging letter to the grey postmare. She took it and pushed it into her saddlebag with a little difficulty. Within it was a neatly folded parchment some 30,000 words long, detailing a tale of intrigue, lost and found love, and a secret twist nopony would see coming. "Any letters for me, Derpy?"

"Hm," Derpy replied, tilting her head to think. "Ah! Yes indeed, I do recall there being an item of mail for your young dragon, Spike. Please, allow me a moment to retrieve it." Derpy lifted her wing and pulled a thin letter, addressed to Spike, Twilight's Treehouse, Ponyville, Equestria and handed it to the librarian.

"Now," she continued, "if that's all I really must be departing. It's a heavy run today, I've never seen so many letters; I can barely fly!" She took off unsteadily and flew off into the distance while Twilight waved and smiled.

"Now we wait!" Twilight grinned, handing Spike his letter and preparing herself for the inevitable torrent of fan-mail. If Derpy thought today was heavy on mail, just let her wait and see.

A week later, Twilight was concerned. It was unlike the reliable mailmare to not deliver a letter, and yet that was the only possible reason for her story's complete lack of reception.

"Celestia damn it, I'm going to go see Applebloom," Twilight decided over her morning oats. "I'll deliver my story by hoof if I have to."

"You won't," Spike said, holding his copy of the week's paper. "They have a comments section for last week's stories, let's have a look!"

Twilight plucked the paper from his hands and started to read. "Okay, let's see here. PinkieHorse27's two thousand word story about writing stories has eighteen comments! Gosh, if that's popular I wonder how many comments mine has!"

Twilight's jaw dropped as she saw the section for her own masterpiece. "Zero?!" she gasped. "Nobody at all?! Not one?! Spike, what is the meaning of this?!"

"H- hey, don't blame me! Go talk to Applebloom about it, I guess!"

"Hmf! I will," Twilight promised, angrily munching on the few remaining oats. As soon as the bowl was empty, Twilight was away, galloping towards the troublesome trio's treehouse.

"Hey! Hey Twilight!" a voice called, interrupting her silent fury. Twilight turned to glare at it.

"What do you want?" she snapped, not in the mood for friendly discussions while her art was being mocked by the populace.

"Ooh, are you a grumpypants today?" Pinkie asked, lightly bopping Twilight on the end of the nose and giggling. "I haven't seen you all week, silly! I just want to chat!"

"Sorry Pinkie," Twilight said, sighing. "I'm just not in a good mood right now. I spent ages writing this story for the local school paper, and nobody even read it! All of the stories that were popular weren't even about anything, they were just stories about writing stories!"

"I read it!" Pinkie announced, "It was great, but there were so many words I kinda got bored in the middle and started making my own story up. Gummy liked it, though! He gave it a thumbs up!"

"Thanks, Pinkie. I think." Twilight sighed. "Why didn't anypony else read it, though?"

"Well, gosh, Twilight, I could give you some tips if you want!" Pinkie said, bouncing up and down.

"You write?" Twilight incredulously said. "With words?"

Pinkie nodded. "Come on, I'll show you!"

Pinkie bounced away, and Twilight reluctantly followed. Eventually, the two came to a stop by the side of one of Pinkie's drawers, and she pulled it open to reveal a few stacks of paper.

Twilight's jaw hit the floor as she read the name on one of them. "You! You're PinkieHorse27!" she screeched, jabbing Pinkie in the side of the neck with her horn in frustration.

"Yep!" Pinkie said, completely ignoring the assault, "I have over 30 watchers! They're over there-" Pinkie pointed to the window, where a small crowd had gathered to stare at her. She waved- "so I think people like my stories!"

"But... this one isn't even about anything! It's just you talking about things that annoy you by putting somebody else's characters in a scenario they'd never usually be in, just so they can say what you think! And what's this one?"

Pinkie snatched the parchment from Twilight's hands and hid it inside her mane. She awkwardly laughed, "Hahah! You don't need to see that one. It's not important. Gummy wrote it. I just proofread. People really liked it, but you wouldn't."

"Pinkie."

"Yes?" Pinkie innocently said, fluttering her eyes.

Twilight yanked the parchment out of Pinkie's hair and quickly surrounded herself in a magic bubble, locking the not-so-innocent equine out. "Let's see here, this one's called... Twilight and Dash's special day out?!"

Pinkie giggled while Twilight read. A few pages in she put it down with a faraway expression on her face, and the magic shield faded away.

"Pinkie, why did you write about Rainbow Dash and I kissing? That's creepy."

"People really liked it! It even got into some of the big newspapers over in Manehatten! There's a fan-sequel in the works and somepony might be doing a movie!"

"But this never happened."

"Of course not, silly! It's fiction!" Pinkie laughed.

"But... my story was original, and unique, and quality! These are... well, no offence, Pinkie, but these aren't very good."

Pinkie's smile didn't falter. "Of course not, but people like them anyway! Sometimes, Twilight, the idea of something is what people really want! They don't want to read a masterpiece, they just want something to make them laugh! Also you and Dash would be so cute together!"

"Pinkie!"

"You would!"