More Country Than a Polecat on a Hickory Stump
It was late afternoon at Sweet Apple Acres, and Applejack had a guest. A very unusual guest.
He'd wandered onto the farm a little while after lunch, just as she was getting ready to start bucking her way through the golden delicious trees. He was some kind of strange dog...bear...creature with a wide head, huge round eyes, big flaming blue eyebrows, and a green kerchief slung around his neck. He introduced himself as Komasan, and he looked hungrier than a hound dog in a butcher shop, so she offered to share some of Granny Smith's fresh-baked apple pie with him.
"Oh mah swirls," Komasan said, eyes wide as he set down his fork. "Why this here pie...this here pie's better'n a Louisiana fiddle in a Mississippi riverboat band!"
Applejack chuckled. "Eeyup, Ah reckon Granny Smith done outdid herself. Why, she can bake a pie like a squirrel can run up a tree after a nut!"
"Why, Ah ain't tasted nuthin' this good in so long a snake coulda done shed a whole pair o' boots all by itself!" Komasan exclaimed.
Applejack tilted her head. "Y'know, Ah done met some mighty strange critters round these parts, but you're about as outta place as a Sunday suit at a square dance."
"Last time Ah met a talkin' horse was when Ah drank some cactus juice that went funnier'n a dog chasin' a cat through a pig waller," Komasan said.
Applejack laughed. "More pie?"
"Much obliged." Komasan looked out over the orchard and sighed. "It sure is mighty peaceful here. Ah miss th' days when everythin' was all quiet-like, afore Ah moved t' th' big city."
"Ah hear ya, sugarcube," Applejack said. "Ah tried t' make it in th' city when Ah was a filly. Ah felt more lonesome than a coyote in a canyon."
"Ah just wish mah brother Komajiro didn't make it look easier'n shuckin' corn," Komasan said. "Why, he took t' city livin' like a cow t' grass."
"Mah li'l sis knows all this citified stuff she picks up from her friends," Applejack said. "Why, sometimes, she gits t' talkin' 'bout things, an' Ah feel like...like..."
"Like a three-legged polecat chasin' a prairie dog?"
"Exactly!" Applejack sighed. "Ah git worried, like one day she'll need me about as much as a turkey needs a belly full o' buckshot."
"It's hard bein' th' one they gotta look up to," Komasan said, nodding sagely. "Harder'n gittin' a goat away from a box o' paper."
"Harder'n plowin' a field o' rocks with a fryin' pan," Applejack agreed.
"Ah still ain't got no idea how Ah got here," Komasan said as he finished his second piece of pie. "Why, Ah'm more confused than a sheep dog in a saddle shop!"
"Well, don't you fret none," Applejack said. "Soon as mah friend Twilight gits here, she'll have you home quicker'n a rodeo pony gittin' thrown off a bull."
"Ah'm just glad Ah got t' meet somebody Ah can have a real conversation with," Komasan said. "Why, you're more country than a polecat sittin' on a hickory stump!"
Applejack laughed. "Well, you know whut they say. You can take th' pony outta th' country, but you can't take th' country outta th' pony."
"Wish that was true about Komajiro," Komasan said with a sad sigh. "Ah'm afraid he's gone all citified an' forgot his roots."
"Now, don't fret none," Applejack said. "Ah'm sure he'll always have some giddyup in his spurs. You just gotta remind him that th' rooster don't crow where th' corn don't grow."
"Ah know, Ah know."
Applejack looked up at the sky. "Ah wish Apple Bloom'd hurry up an' git back with Twilight," she said. "Ah swear, sometimes that filly's slower'n a—"
In a bright magenta flash, two ponies appeared: a lavender alicorn and a small yellow filly with a red mane topped with a pink bow. "We're here!" Apple Bloom called.
A few seconds later, a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane swooped down from above. "Whoa!" she cried. "What th' heck is that?"
"Rainbow Dash! Be nice!" Applejack called. "Sure, Komasan here might be funny-lookin' as a rattlesnake tryin' t' wear boots, but he's good people."
"Oooooh mah swirls," Komasan said. "A flyin' pony? An' here Ah thought city folks was crazier'n a possum playin' peekaboo in th' middle of th' street..."
"Hey now, Rainbow Dash is mah best friend," Applejack said. Then, with a laugh, she added, "even though sometimes she's got about as much sense as a frog eatin' bees."
"Ah saw a girl wearin' a shirt that looked like your friend th' other day," Komasan said. "She was jabberin' away like a monkey in a tree, walkin' around with one'a them fancy ear warmers..."
Rainbow Dash scratched her head. "Uhh...Apple Bloom? A little help?"
"—grinnin' like a dog eatin' hornets—"
Apple Bloom tilted her head. "Y'got me," she said. "Usually when Applejack starts with th' countryisms, Ah jes' start hearin' banjo music in mah head until she shuts up."
"—might as well be fishin' in th' clouds—"
"Seriously?" Twilight asked.
"—makes about as much sense as slingin' a hammock between two cornstalks—"
Apple Bloom waved a hoof at Applejack and Komasan. "How else d'you reckon Ah stay sane livin' with that?"
"—an' church ain't over till the choir stops singin'!" Applejack and Komasan laughed heartily, slapping their knees. Applejack wiped tears from her eyes. "Boy howdy, Ah could git t' like havin' you around. Sure you don't wanna sit a spell? We was gonna churn us up some homemade ice cream later on."
"Ice cream?" Komasan asked, eyes wide and glowing. "Ohhhh mah swiiiiiirls..."
Komasan ended up staying in Ponyville for a week.
Rainbow Dash can't hear anything but banjo music anymore.
Author's Note
Written after watching one too many Komasan skits in the Youkai Watch anime.
