The Definitive Guide to the Astrophysics of Alicorn Anatomy, or How to Raise Your Moon For Dummies - Starring Princess Luna

by Pen Mightier

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Nightmare Moon, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 4694

Learn how to raise the moon in 2 easy steps. You will need your alicorn, a cardboard box, a glitter marker, a pair of hands and this convenient guide.

[img]http://i.imgur.com/NtX01an.png[/img]

'Do not trust an alicorn who weighs any less than her operating manual' - Author of this Guide

Sometimes your alicorn throws a temper tantrum and runs around the house turning off all the lights while declaring herself a new breed of adorable evilness. Sometimes sibling squabbles leave you with a tearful alicorn refusing to raise the moon and allow the day to end. Keep calm and read this guide. This guide will walk you through how to safely contain evil dark pony overlords using readily available household implements such as the humble cardboard box. And if all else fails, it will at least help you make effective use of the astrophysics of alicorn anatomy to manually override the raising, lowering and general joyriding of various celestial bodies.

Published by the Royal Canterlot Publishing House for the Royal Equestrian Diplomatic Mission to Earth. For human audiences only. No alicorns (or humans) were harmed in the making of this guide.

Contains: Princess Luna being generally mischievous and adorable for Hearthswarming Eve. Also contains cardboard. Surprisingly does not contain any bubblewrap for once.

This is a standalone story, but it does sort of have a 'previous episode' you can read here. Reading it is not required to enjoy this particular story, but it's a fun short read in its own right.

Sort of my Christmas fic. I decided to get it done early as I'll be working this Christmas. Again. Happy Hearthswarming, everyone!

Published 2015-12-13 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-13 02:40:01 UTC

Luna Is In a Box and She Can't Get Out!

Light suffers from the misguided notion that it is the fastest. It is not. For wherever it goes, darkness is already there, quietly waiting for it.

Well, mostly quietly.

"COMETH AT US, BRETHREN!" The darkness challenged us from within the yawning abyss which, in happier days, is known as the royal parlour.

I had a bad feeling the darkness was not challenging us to a game of chess. At least not the sort played with wooden pieces.

Light never really destroys Darkness. That's just what Light wants you to see. What Light does, in fact, is put you between it and the Darkness. One moment you think it's all bright, until you look the other way...

As my lady, Princess Celestia, is very kindly demonstrating for us here. Thank you, my lady.

"The pleasure is all mine." My lady said from somewhere behind me.

"I am sure it is." I muttered.

"That wasn't sarcasm, was it?" She demanded. Her pout quite heavily insisted that she was not amused. It always insists on a lot of things.

"No, of course not, that was me being flippant." I said, carefully. "I will warn you when I plan on being sarcastic." In fact she has a copy of my sarcasm calendar. It is entirely blank.

I peered into the darkness beyond the doors. Some men achieve immortality through great feats that look good carved in stone or stamped on souvenirs and postcards. Some do so by leaving their mark on history, often in blood, preferably not their own. Me? I prefer to achieve immortality through not dying.

I carefully closed the double doors to the royal parlour. They snapped shut with a reassuring click.

And thus the world was saved.

"Ingenious. A problem out of sight is a problem out of existence." My lady nodded, sagely. If it were up to her, I am certain the door would remain shut for one thousand years.

"Problem? What problem?" I frowned. I hadn't the foggiest idea what she was on about.

"DON'T CLOSE THE DOORS! I CAN'T SEE-...I mean, COMETH AT US! AGAIN! BRETHREN!" An explosive voice blew the doors open. Again. And the yawning abyss yawned. Again.

And just like that, the world was unsaved.

I turned to my great leader for leadership. It's interesting that you must always 'turn' to others for leadership, suggesting they are never in front of you where leaders should be. "What do we do now, my lady?" I asked her.

"We believe in you." She explained her plan to me, all while placing a reassuring forehoof on my...knee. There is a reason they are called little ponies, I suppose. "Remember, the fate of Equestria rests on your armpits." She reminded me, just in case I forgot that I was staring in the face of Armageddon.

"Shoulders." I corrected.

"Yes, those too, if you so prefer." She nodded, quickly, "If she doesn't raise the moon and bring about the night, the day will last forever. For once, the world depends upon your witty charm."

The world really isn't worth much these days, is it?

"And...that is the plan?" I raised my eyebrow at the lack thereof.

"That is my plan. I suggest getting one of your own." My lady advised me.

I couldn't help but see wisdom in her advice.

"Do not worry. I do have a plan, albeit one about as crazy as Discord." I said, steeling myself. "Unlike Discord, however, this one might just work."

"I'll be right behind you. About three hundred hooves behind you." My Lady said reassuringly from where she was suddenly standing at the end of the long gallery. "I shall watch over you! From right over here!" She called out, waving a forehoof encouragingly at me.

I peered into the yawning abyss. It might be yawning, but darkness is anything but asleep at night. I am not superstitious. It is silly to be superstitious when you are the Butler to the goddesses of the sun and moon themselves. It would be as superfluous as believing in politicians. All-powerful heaven-bending, cake-craving politicians. But I do have a will, and that will is to not die. Not horribly, at any rate.

I suppose as the Butler to the Equestrian royal family, managing the phases the children go through is entirely within my remit; Including the megalomaniacal dark overlord phase (Interestingly, managing the Buttery isn't, no matter how much I plead that sobriety gets in the way of this job). As I prepared myself, mentally, physically and underwear-ly for the trial ahead, I couldn't help but question my choice in career. And life. Unfortunately, being a gentleman is a bit like a communicable disease. It makes you unsuitable for all the better-paid jobs, such as being a lawyer. You also get this insatiable urge to inflict it upon others.

I stepped into the darkness. I did not peer into the abyss, just in case it peered back. I would not want to traumatize the poor soul. I experimented with a light switch by the door. It worked in so far that it somehow made a sound reminiscent of one of Ms. Pinkie Pie's whoopee-cushions stuck in an industrial vice. I tried the oil lantern on the wall. It had been emptied down to the last drop, its contents splattered across the wall in the shape of a familiar alicorn blowing a pony-raspberry at me. I tried the box of matches I kept for emergencies in a cabinet by the door. I found its contents stuck together into a three dimensional alicorn blowing a pony-raspberry at me.

I do believe she is trying to communicate. Very empathically, I might add.

"Doth thou surrender to mine superior wiles?" She laughed mockingly in the dark.

But man is a creature of cunning. He must be, for he must survive in a world of women. "I would, but I loaned my white flag to Blueblood. I'm afraid he believes that together with a thick accent and a funny hat he might just convince the mares of his excuse in life; That he is, in actual fact, exotic." That earned me a loud giggle from her. I took a step towards the giggle. "Though I do not worry for Equestria's female population or its gene pool. I understand Blueblood's personality has been scientifically proven to be the first fully reliable means of permanent birth control." I got a giggle-snort this time, allowing me to triangulate on its source. "In many ways he should be deemed a national hero, fighting day by day to save Equestria's future from the threat of his progeny." An explosion of laughter pinpointed her hiding spot, a pillow fort helpfully labelled 'Castle Nightmare'.

A pair of turquoise cat-like harlequin eyes peered up at me from within the gloom. Her pupils widened in surprise. "H-how did thou find Us and Our secret headquarters in Our impenetrable darkness?!" She demanded.

"I have heart-seeking vision." I lied. It was a rather good lie, if I do say so myself.

"W-well, thou cannot hope to match Us in our darkness! We art the Night!" She declared. "Without thy light thou art nothing!"

But there is one light she cannot steal from me. The one light every true Butler has within him. The light that serves as a measure of a Butler's true worth.

I grinned.

"Kyaaah!" She squeaked, shielding her eyes from the blinding glare of my one million bit smile. "W-what dark magic is th-this?!" Nightmare Moon, queen of darkness, demanded as she squinted in the light.

"The royal dental plan." I replied. It is perhaps the only wisdom in my career choice. Alright, that, and I shall admit that my employers are rather adorable.

I made my move while Nightmare Moon was busy doing her best pony-in-the-headlights impression. All ponies, whether they be purple, blue or absolute evil, invariably share two common weaknesses. The first is an ancient, powerful ritual that was said to have defeated the frost demons of old, even give birth to the land of Equestria itself. I enclosed her in a legendary move that once belonged to the mythical Equestrian heroes of yore. My fingers systematically tightened around her barrel and rearhooves before pulling her into an inescapable hold against my broad bosom.

She gave a loud, helpless squeak of defeat as my impenetrable enclosure sealed away all hope of escape. She struggled. She squeaked. She thrashed. She squeaked some more. But no matter how much she wiggled her tail or flailed her forehooves at my nose in a rapidfire boop, Nightmare Moon was trapped.

Here in Equestria, the gods aren't so much feared and worshipped as they are snuggled.

I decided to declare my victory. "Yes, please, do wriggle and squirm. It is adorable." I chuckled, darkly.

"Thou monster!" She squeaked at me. "We shalt hide under thy bed at night and produce eructations and embarrassments that shall only be whispered of in legend! We shalt mix thy colours and whites in the wash! We shalt swap thy sugars and thy salts! We shalt lick all thy desserts!" She threatened in between each struggle. She finally collapsed against my chest, panting from her futile exertion. "We hate thee. Lots." She muttered, settling for chewing on my shirt button vindictively.

"So, what did Celestia do this time?" I asked, wondering just what transgression had triggered the end of the world this time. "Steal that cookie jar you stole from my kitchen?"

"Our debt is thrice repaid." She said, smugly. "We hath stolen all her toilet rolls! All of them! Her flank shall forever remain unwiped!"

"So what is it then? Did she steal the sweetrolls you were saving for Hearthswarming Eve?" I frowned.

"We hath drawn a flaming banana on her flank in her sleep in retaliation!" She declared, proudly.

"I have a flaming what on my what?!" We heard a loud voice demand in the distance. We ignored it.

I took a stab in the dark. "Did she eat my gift to you before you could open it?"

"JUSTICE SHALL BE SWIFT, JUSTICE SHALL BE PAINFUL, JUSTICE SHALL BE DELICIOUS!" Nightmare Moon roared at the heavens, vowing revenge, mischief and tomfoolery of divine proportions.

Oh. So that's what it is.

"I agree she certainly qualifies for some divine intervention." I said, pulling the blinds open, letting light spill into the darkened room. The light lit up the dark midnight blue mare in my arms, her eyes blinking and squinting in the sudden brightness. It is comforting that here in Equestria our demons and politicians dress evil in accordance to some secret evil dress code that all evil share. It is a form of user-friendly labelling for the masses. You see one, you run. It makes life (and staying alive) so much simpler. What would we do if the evil and the politicians looked just like us, dressed like us, walked amongst us as any regular little pony?

You'd get Earth, I suppose.

"But this is not the way." I said firmly, pressing her muzzle up against the window.

"Thou has something against double glazing?" She asked, her voice a little muffled by the glass.

"No, I have something against the fact that it is 4 PM in the evening and I see about as much night as common sense!" I pointed out how curiously bright the sunless sky was, almost as if night was lagging behind despite it being the shortest day of the year.

"Oh." She nodded against the glass. "Well, that is the point. Without Our night, the day shall last forever! Everypony's fur will bleach and there shall never be another pizza night forever! Soon everypony shall shun the day and crave Our night! Bwahahahahahah!"

"Are you done monologuing?" I asked, pointedly.

"Yes, that is why We cackled menacingly. Can you not tell?" She pointed out. "Should We do it louder?"

"I shall admit your master plan is at least creative this time." I said, generously.

"Why, thank you. We hath taken to this modern notion of 'thinking outside the box'. It works well for Us." She crossed her forehooves, nodding sagely at her own ingenuity.

"I approve of thinking outside the box. That is, assuming there was any thinking going on inside the box to begin with." I said. "A rare phenomenon, but one I am hoping you might take to."

"Huh? Wait, wha-...." She squeaked as I executed my coup de grâce.

Over the centuries, man has attempted a variety of unimaginative strategies to combat darkness; Rituals, prayers, good deeds, shotguns and all manner of pointless nonsense. The reason evil remains in the world is because none of said tactics are actually worth a winkledoodle in the face of true evil.

There is only one true cure.

I placed her squarely inside a cardboard box.

...

She frowned. "This is a box. A cardboard one." She observed, her turquoise eyes peering out at me over the edge of the box.

"Astute observation, Luna." I nodded approvingly at the alicorn in the box. "Ah, I almost forgot." I produced a glitter marker and carefully labelled the box, 'I have been naughty - Boop me'.

"Is this it? Thou hopest to contain Us with mere handicrafts? Hah! Watch as thy last hope crumbles before Our might, insolent whelp!" Nightmare Moon cackled, hooking her forehooves over the edge of the box. She hopped and pulled herself up by her forehooves, scrabbling her rearhooves against the box's edge like a hamster. She huffed and puffed and squeaked....before sliding down in defeat. "We...art simply...warming up." She panted, hooking one forehoof over the edge. She leaned up, struggling to hook a rearhoof over the same edge to pull herself up sideways. She slipped and rolled back down, letting out a muffled squeak from somewhere near the bottom of the box. "Hahahah...to think...I must unleash my final form for this. Watch and despair, human!" She roared, her wings spreading wi-....snapping against the sides of the box. "Eeeeep..." She squeaked, curling up at the bottom of the box once more, nursing and suckling her wingtips comfortingly. I am led to believe that stubbing a wing is about two and a half times more painful than stubbing a toe.

Her big watery eyes glowered up at me, her ears drooping in defiance, her lips quivering in protest. "We....we can't get out of this box..." She whimpered, biting her trembling lips. "W-we can't get out....w-we're t-trapped i-in this box..." She sniffled, her eyes growing as wide and watery as a melting snowman. "YOU MOOOONSTER!" She wailed. "LET ME OOOOOUT!"

She laid siege upon my heartstrings with her tears and sniffles. But I stood firm, my heart iron, my will steel. I shall fight in the fields, I shall fight in the hills, I shall fight in my tears, I shall never surrender!

"Alright." I picked her up in my arms, earning me a triumphant pony squee.

What? I am at least a man of principle. That principle is simple; 'ponies are adorable'.

"Our hero~" She trilled, curling her forehooves around my neck.

"My goddeses." I muttered. It is sorely taxing executing the good cop and bad cop strategy when you are sorely understaffed and outnumbered. "Now, for the love of all that is adorable and pony, would you please raise the moon?"

"No." She pouted, looking away. "Mere words cannot hope to quell this schism in Our heart. Or Our stomach."

"Good." I said. "Because that would have been too easy."

"Wha...?" She blinked in surprise. "Wait!"

Not many know that when the Princess of the Night declares herself the Night, she means it in a very literal sense. So literal, in fact, that her very anatomy is the Night itself. As such, sound knowledge of the astrophysics of alicorn anatomy can easily allow one to manually override the heavens themselves.

Her eyes widened as I unsheathed my hands from their gloves. She recognized them. She knew them all too well, for these are the hands that raises the heavens themselves. While thoroughly annoying them, of course.

"N-no..." She squeaked in fear. "No! Mercy!"

"I do believe we already strolled right past mercy. We are now in Butler country." I brought my hand down upon her mane. In one fluid motion I trailed my fingers through her silky tresses, caressing her all the way down the curve of her spine gently but firmly as if it were one big furry scrollbar. Obeying my command, the sunset sky scrolled across the horizon to be replaced by the calm of night. Perhaps a little jarringly, I'll admit, with the sky pausing in its roll while I lifted my hand off her back to return to her mane and repeat.

"NNNGHHhhhmmmooooooohhhh...." Her tension melted away in a soft, sensuous purr under my touch. She gave a loud, contented sigh as she reflexively tried to roll over in my arms. I gently unloaded her back into her box, allowing her to fully roll onto her back, revealing her round furry pony belly to me.

I carefully mapped the placement of my fingers on her tummy. With a calculated flex of my fingers against her fur, I elicited tinkling giggles from her. One by one, stars blinked to life in the sky outside to the kindling of her bright giggles. She kicked her hooves at the air like a little foal under my surgical belly-rubbing. A single push of her belly button would elicit a little trill from her, giving a new star a bright twinkle. She squirmed and wriggled happily, making the accurate placement of each star more of a challenge. One misplaced star and a ship might go off course, a new breed of Ursa might arise, or, worse, a certain stargazing-fanatic in Ponyville might correct said star with my face.

The fate of the world and my face lies upon this belly rub.

With my other hand I carefully caressed her cutie marks. Scratching her right flank injects a purr into her giggle, increasing the brightness of the star. Scratching her left doesn't do much, but it does make her wrinkle her muzzle most adorably. The trick, however, is in cranking her tail, adding a gasp to her giggles that reduces the brightness of the star. Again, a challenge made all the more difficult by her wriggling and squirming under my ministrations. Too bright and I may accidentally cause a star to expand into a red giant and erase a civilized planet or two. Too dim and I might cause the star to implode and form a black hole, the implications of which often give me nightmares at night. And during the day. All the time, in fact.

The fate of many other stars and worlds rely upon my tail cranking. Pray for me, Earth.

It took a lot of giggling and wrestling, but soon the night sky was populated with accurately mapped stars of appropriate brightness and twinkliness, more or less. There was a little patch of night sky devoid of stars in one distant corner of the horizon.

We both looked at it.

Nightmare Moon gave me a bright, expectant look over the tips of her hoofsies, blushing softly all the while.

"Not until you're older." I muttered. The patch can stay empty. For now.

"Awwwpooo." She muttered, flopping flat on her back.

"We are not done yet." I told her, firmly.

"What else could thou-...eeeeeeeep!" She squeaked as I lifted her up into the air. As if following her lead, a bright white orb peaked out sheepishly over the horizon. Slowly but surely, I raised the moon.

She giggled ticklishly, twisting and fidgeting in my hold. The moon veered to the right, then to the left, like a drunken walrus on the longest pub crawl in the universe. I felt myself break into a minute sweat as the moon threatened me with the galaxy's biggest loop-de-loop. I fought to steady her as the moon skidded hard on the fabrics of the space before finally aiming true. And by aiming true I mean in the general direction of anywhere but Equestria.

It is like weight lifting. Except dumbbells generally don't struggle to jump out of your hands and crash entire planetoids into your planet. So do I lift, bro? Yes, I lift moons, brethren.

"Hahah!" She broke into another cackle as she watched her moon rise up into the sky. She waved a forehoof grandly at the sky. "Now the night shall truly last forev-..." She declared.

"I do not mind what colour the sky is, forever or no." I interrupted her, fixing her with a stern glare. She trailed off into silence as she stared back down at me, her eyes suddenly wide with uncertainty. "But I would prefer you in blue. And that is certainly worth lasting. Forever, if I had my way." I said, pulling her tight against my chest. "Come back to me, Luna." I said into her ear.

There was a soft 'pop'. I felt a brief rush of warm air against my face. It was the familiar feel of a single pulse of magic.

"You never play fair, do you?" She giggled softly into my ear, dropping her High Unicornian speech. I felt the ticklish touch of a light blue starry mane against my neck as she blew a soft raspberry at me, "Cheater."

"It's not even funny, Luna." I muttered, drawing back from her. I felt relief flood me at the sight of her usual bright green eyes, her soft blue fur and her bright, gentle smile. All traces of Nightmare Moon were well and truly gone. "It really isn't."

"I'm sorry." She gave me a sheepish little smile. "But you know that, in all seriousness, I will never leave again. Because I know you won't let me."

"I know." I said, wearily. "I only fear not being able to stop you."

"You've done well 'defeating' Nightmare Moon every other night." She giggled. "I wonder, Butler...what life would be like if you had not waited one thousand years to defeat me." She added, a touch of melancholy in her voice.

"Uh..." For once, I was at a loss for words.

"Just kidding." She giggled. "You should've seen the look on your face."

"Luna, now that's unfair. I..." I began. I didn't get far. She quickly silenced me. I felt a gentle peck on my nose. She slowly drew back, opening her deep, green eyes. Bright trailing lights reflected deep within her orbs. I looked at the sky behind me and found it filled with shooting stars racing across the night.

Oh, so that's what her lips are for.

She gave a little giggle. "Betcha didn't know that one."

"No, I didn't." I murmured, admittedly dazed by the grandeur of her magic. Not the sparkly unicorn tricks from her horn, no. I was awestruck by the miraculous existence that is Princess Luna.

"Hay, would you like to learn how to make an aurora?" She whispered, huskily, pressing her cheek against my chest as she peered up at me mischievously. "I can show you how to make both an aurora borealis and australis, at the same time~" She paused for a moment before quickly adding, "By australis, I mean..."

"Yes, I know which direction australis is." I said, quickly, "But uh..." I gulped, "Luna, I..."

"Butler! There is a banana on my flank!" A certain princess of the sun declared from the door. "Quick, write a letter to Twilight and tell her that the banana is on fire and..." She trailed off into silence as she trotted up to us. "What are you two doing?" She frowned, cocking her head to one side, even as her eyes narrowed like a hangman's noose on the two of us.

"Preparing your present, my lady." I said with a little shrug. "It is Hearthswarming after all."

"HAY!" Luna cried from where she suddenly found herself inside the cardboard box. "TRAITOR!" She waved a forehoof accusingly at me. It was a decent accusation. I did just sacrifice her as a peace offering to her sister. "Hay, let me out!" She cried, struggling to hop out. She had about as much luck as she did in her Nightmare form. "Cardboard boxes are OP!" She wailed at all the injustice and corrugated cardboard in the world.

"Come on, my Lady. It is Hearthswarming." I gave my lady a warning look. "Do you not have something to say to your sister?"

"I...uh..." Celestia gulped, hanging her head guiltily. She bit her lip uncertainly before finally giving a loud sigh. "Fine. I am sorry, sister."

"For...?" Luna demanded, glowering over the edge of the box.

"For eating your Hearthswarming present." Celestia sighed. "I'm sorry, it was petty of me. I...I wanted one of my own." She shot me a dirty look.

"Hmmmm." Luna smirked triumphantly. "Well, being the generous and merciful sister I am, I can find it in my big heart to share....ouch!" She squeaked as I tapped her on her head.

"What do you say, Luna?" I frowned down at her.

"Ponyfeathers." She muttered, glowering up at me. "Oh, fine. I'm sorry, sister." She apologized, quite genuinely. "...for trapping Butler under yonder mistletoe in the dark and having my merry way with him."

"WHAT?!" Celestia roared, her eyes narrowing into thin cat-like slits. A dark, flaming aura erupted from her mane. "YOU DID WHAAAAAT?!" Her flaming eyes flared on me. "BUUUUUUUTLER!"

Her sister simply gave me a sideways glance, blowing me a subtle if mischievous little raspberry, looking smug in her little act of petty vengeance.

Oh by all that is adorable and pony....

I decided to turn tail and get a head start on my winter holidays. And the rest of my life if I'm lucky. I would be free. I would take the seven o'clock train and cross the borders by midnight. I would be free. I would have hot cocoa in Gryphonia and breakfast in Saddle Arabia. I would be fre-...

I tripped and fell into something. By the corrugated feel of its stranglehold, I could only surmise that I had finally met my match - the dreaded cardboard box, magically thrown in the way of my escape. I struggled as a drowning mariner might scrabble for air, fighting to not drown in the mass of cardboard and karma. But as I broke the surface and peered over the edge, I found a pair of mischievous glowing cat-like eyes leering down upon me with levels of glee bordering on the insanely criminal.

One sister floated a marker over and carefully corrected the label on the box to '*Bleep* me'. The other hung a sprig of mistletoe above me like a guillotine.

"Now, my ladies, there is maximum safe limit for this cardboard bo-..." I began, only for the safety label to also be very carefully corrected to '3'.

It was a surprisingly accurate correction. The cardboard box somehow held together.

The sky, however, did not.

The End?

Author's Note

First of all and most importantly, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in advance, everyone! All the best wishes for you and yours! And may the new year bring you even more!

Secondly, shameless plugs aside, I openly admit to plagiarizing this story. :rainbowdetermined2:

And now for some proper shameless plugs, if you enjoy this story, you may enjoy another one of Butler's standalone stories, The Definitive Guide to Pony Anatomy. You may also enjoy his full series, All Butlers Are Gentlemen, which I will openly admit has been neglected for quite a while now, something I am ever apologetic about.

Fun fact, this story also made use of a lot of Butler's outtakes and unused dialogue from the Nightmare Knights story. (I'd call this another shameless plug, but if the Definitive Guide series or the original All Butlers are Gentlemen are more to your taste, I'd actually advise against clicking the link as it is an AU Butler fic set in the Crystal Wars timeline and is mostly dark comedy at best, bittersweet tear-jerking drama at worst)