The Adventures of Blotto and the Devil Fruit Warriors

by Matthew Stone

Rating: teen
Tags: Anthro, Main 6, Alternate Universe, Romance, Original Character, Equestria Girls, Spike, Queen Chrysalis, Adventure, Discord
Length: 2059

Four boys meet 6 mare/humans and a dragoness. Let the adventure begin.

Four teenagers decide to launch a surprise attack on the Changelings. Pretty crummy choice, but then we encounter six pony girls, and the most beautiful-looking dragon girl ever. Oh, there's also the bughorse leader, a spirit of chaos, and general weirdness.

My name is Blotto.

In Equestria, I am a Marsupilami.

Welcome to my life, as of now.

Contains R63'd Spike and Discord.

Published 2015-12-12 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-12 19:20:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Surprise, Suprise

As the full moon blazed over the dark skies of Canterlot, it would appear that from a distance, everything was peaceful and calm.

However, one thing that seemed particularly out of place was a large black van parked in a neighborhood. And what was even more out of place was that several shadowy beings with insectlike eyes were sneaking out with unconscious teenagers and loading them into the van.

“Once we perform a little mind-scan on these overgrown brats, we’ll be able to drain PLENTY of love from their pathetic little bodies!” snickered one.

“And our leader, Queen Chrysalis, will be UNSTOPPABLE!!” cackled another.

Little did they know that from the rooftop of one house, four unusual figures were observing the scene and they were listening. Though nobody would be able to see them, the moon gave them somewhat of an outline.

“Look at ‘em…makes you sick, doesn’t it, guys?” whispered one voice.

“YEAH! YEAH!! CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY, ANNIHILATE, PULVERIZE, OTHER SYNONYMS FOR ‘EXTERMINATE! EX-TER-MI-NATE’!” whispered another in a pretend-robotic tone.

“Whoa, whoa, hold your horses, man. We gotta plan this out carefully,” replied another.

“Sure, let’s just stay up here and plan while those bug-headed FREAKS make off with those teenagers! But hey, no pressure, right?” retorted another in a sarcastic tone.

“Guys, guys, GUYS, CHILL THE FUCK OUT!!” whispered another. “The key to doing this right is to know the best time to make our move. We must strike hard, and fade away into the night…”

“That sounds like you got it out of a comic book, Boss.” Whispered a voice with a Brooklyn accent.

“I did. It’s called ‘The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Issue #1, May 1984’. I enjoyed it so much, I put it at the top of my ‘Recommended Reading’ list,” whispered ‘Boss’. “…but that’s beside the point. Let’s just get this pain party started, because THOSE guys down there are on the guest list!!”

And as the four mysterious warriors leaped from the rooftop, one could tell that the following battle would certainly be one hell of a showdown…

In an abandoned warehouse, General Camouflage walked through the hallway towards the holding cell. Another Changeling ran up to him and walked next to him.

“So what’s the 4-1-1 on these interlopers?” asked the General.

“Well, sir, they interrupted our nightly feeding session, so we saw no other option but to capture them.”

“Fair enough…show me who they are.”

As the doors of the holding cell opened, the lights went on. There, chained to the wall were:
· A kid with yellow hair under a red baseball cap turned backwards. Over his eyes he wore a pair of Squirtle Squad styled sunglasses; he also wore a red jacket, with long yellow sleeves. Under this, he wore a plain white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans.
· A big, bulky-looking, jock-type kid with dyed-green hair, a brown jacket, and khaki pants
· A middle-sized guy wearing a lab coat.
· A teenager, wearing a blue button-down shirt adorned with multiple purple triangles, a pair of khaki shorts, and a pair of auburn sneakers

The Changeling scientist handed the general several files. These are the contents of said files.
· Name: Blotto Rama Stretchbrain
o Aliases/Codenames: Six-Shot Blotto, Cannonball Blotto, Buzzsaw Blotto, etc.
o Devil Fruit Power: The ability to integrate weapons into his body by eating them
o Bio: A brave, scruffy young Marsupilami who was granted the ‘Chomp-Chomp Fruit’ by his then-future sensei Nazo, who repaid him with this treat when he and his friends rescued him from drowning. Due to his keen eyesight and supersensitive hearing, Blotto’s very well-balanced. No matter how tough things get, Blotto seldom minds sticking his neck out for others.
o Voiced by: Jason Biggs

· Name: Shark
o Aliases/Codenames: Professor Shark, Sharkasaurus X
o Devil Fruit Power: The ability to piece himself together after being cut apart or decapitated, thanks to the ‘Chop-Chop Fruit’
o Bio: Shark is the brains of the team and the designer of the Blotto-mobiles. Rather than use his obvious brawn, Shark would rather utilize a wild or wacky new invention. However, he can sometimes be his own worst enemy; being something of a crackpot inventor, sometimes his inventions blow up in his face—and that’s just if he gets lucky. Despite his inventive nature, he still gets dino-size pleasure out of kicking bad-guy butt.
o Voiced by: John A. ‘Jack’ Riley, Jr.

· Name: Fingers
o Alias: Filch, Sneaky Pete
o Devil Fruit Power: The ability to stretch like rubber, courtesy of the ‘Gum-Gum Fruit’
o Bio: Fingers is the ultimate party animal who knows how to make a quick buck at a quick pace. Though the odds might be stacked against him, Fingers somehow manages to keep his cool—because he’s master of the ‘Super Stretch n’ Smash Attack’!! Fun fact: it takes 8 lbs. of pressure per square inch to break bone. Fingers’ fists generate 100!!
o Voiced by: Alexander Polinsky

· --Name: Snapper
o --Alias: Travis, Slice-Meister
o --Devil Fruit Power: The ability to grow blades from his wrists, due to the discovery of a new devil fruit, the ‘Shred-Shred Fruit’
o --Bio: Snapper is the wittiest wallaby around, and he knows it. If things aren’t going too good, his tongue whips out sarcastic jokes dipped in arsenic. His clever skill with his blades of doom, not to mention his witty flair for sarcasm has earned him a reputation for having a ‘sharp tongue’ and being quite ‘sharp’.
o --Voiced by: Don Brown

“Eh….hey, doc; don’t we get our one phone call?” asked the blonde kid.

“Yeah! It’s customary to present the prisoners with one phone call to contact someone to bail them out.” Agreed the kid in the pilot’s jacket.

“SHUT UP, FOOL!!” scowled the General. “You might as well tell us all you four know. I mean, the odds of somebody coming to save you are—“

But before he could finish, the wall suddenly smashed open and six oddly-colored anthropomorphic equines walked in through the hole.

“We rang the doorbell, but nobody showed up,” smirked a blue one with a multicolored mane and a pair of wings. “…so we just decided to let ourselves in with the key under the mat.”

Blotto could only smile at the General’s terrified expression.
“Now...what were you saying about the chance of somebody saving us? Well, from where I hang, those odds are lookin’ pretty good for us right about now. For you guys….ehh...not so much.” he retorted, smugly.

“While I am not normally inclined to such brutish violence, I’LL TEAR YOU TO SHREDS IF YOU HARM ANY OF THOSE BOYS!!” shouted the white one with a purple mane & blue eyes.

Then, the pink one with a puffy mane somehow pulled out a baby-blue cannon with two little wheels attached to it.

She began to speak in a ‘Clint Eastwood’ impression:

“I’ll bet you’re thinking this much: ‘would Pinkie Pie put a REAL cannonball in her Party Cannon?’ She’s crazy, it’ll never work,’ well, then…go ahead, punks—make my day.” She concluded with a dark smile.

But when she turned, her ‘Party Cannon’ was gone. She looked to her left and saw the blonde boy, consuming the entire thing in one gigantic bite.

Then, the boy’s body began to shift and change. His forearms transformed into miniature cannons; his hat turned into a lit fuse, and his stomach trans-morphed into a giant cannon. The boy looked almost inhuman—cartoonish, even.

“You gotta ask yourselves a question: ‘do we feel lucky?’ Well…do ya, punks?” the kid smirked.

He held his breath and his cheeks puffed up, as the two cannons where his arms had once been, opened fire, launching large, pitch-black cannonballs at the Changelings, causing them to scatter for cover.

“YAR-HAR!! AVAST, YE SCURVY DOGS!! CANNONBALL BLOTTO BE HERE!! YOU’RE JUST LUCKY I DIDN’T MAKE YE SWABS WALK THE PLANK!!” Blotto cackled, talking like an old-timey pirate.

At that point, the others had busted out of their chains, and had begun to take part in the battle.

Shark had been sliced through by a Changeling’s horn blast, and the sneaky little bug thought he had scored his first kill. But he found a nasty surprise when Shark’s upper half ran (with his hands) toward his lower half, jumped on top of the lower half, and somehow put himself back together.

“W-W-WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF ZOMBIE?!” the terrified Changeling screamed.

“Nope. I’m a Chop-Chop man, and the last thing you’ll ever see.” Shark grinned as his large, meaty fist made contact with the Changeling’s jawbone.

Snapper was in a showdown with General Camouflage; while Camouflage was wielding a spiked mace, Snapper wielded a battle-axe. Time and time again, their weapons crashed and slammed against each other.

“HEY, GENERAL FAKER!!” yelled Snapper. “LEMME ‘AXE’ YOU A QUESTION!!”

Somewhere, deep within the reaches of the galaxy, somebody has heard this wordplay and has just done a rim shot.

“So…you like JOKES, do you?” the General snarled. “Well, here’s a REAL knee-slapper: what’s gonna be black, blue, red all over, and six feet under? YOU, AT THE END OF THIS FIGHT!!”

“Stick to your day job, soldier,” Snapper quipped. “…because you’re a terrible comedian. I mean, that joke wasn’t even funny! I’ve heard CORNY JOKES with more flair!!”

He angrily cleaved the General in half with his battleaxe, and turned and walked away as the halves of the General’s corpse dropped to the ground.

Fingers, for one, was never much of a fighter. He was more of the ‘strategy’ type, due to the fact he was rather...short for his age.

After Snapper walked away, Fingers went over to where the fight had taken place, and confiscated the spiked mace. He could only smile at this little trophy that he managed to attain.

“I figure I could clean off the spilled blood, polish it up, and sell it for some serious moolah…” he said to himself.

At that very moment, ol’ Cannonball Blotto was having a hell of a time, firing cannonballs left and right like a machine gun, sending his enemies running scared. It felt like friggin’ euphoria to him. The adrenaline was pumping through his veins like crazy, and to top it off….he had never, EVER, felt so alive.

However, the six anthropomorphic equines who had burst in to save them knew that they had to leave quickly.

“HEY, YOU FOUR!!” yelled a voice. “WE GOTTA GO!!”

Blotto turned his head to see who was addressing him, and his jaw hit the ground at warp-speed.

The source of the voice was a 16-year old teenage girl with spiked green hair, green eyes, a purple jacket, and a cute smile on her face, with a pointy fang sticking out of the corner of her mouth.

Blotto’s eyes turned into hearts, and his face turned beet-red.

FWEE-EE-EE-EET!!

He then turned back to his three cohorts. “YOU HEARD THE BEAUTIFUL LADY--WE GOTTA GO!! SO LET’S!! GO, GO, GO, GO, GO-O-O-O-O!!” he yelled.

“So long, it’s been real!!” shouted Shark.

“Yeah, real CREEPY, if that’s what you meant,” retorted Fingers.

Suddenly, the six creatures, the green-haired girl, and our four heroes were surrounded by a glowing purple aura, and in a spark of light, they were gone.

At least a minute passed, and the warehouse was silent.

Silent, that is, until Queen Chrysalis burst into the room. And once she took a gander at the destruction and the sight of 2 dead soldiers, lying on the ground, she was NOT happy.

“What in Equestria HAPPENED HERE?!” she yelled.

Just then, a soldier that had been nailed by a Blotto Ball regained consciousness, and began to cough. Taking notice, Chrysalis raced over.

“YOU!! TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED HERE!! WHY IS GENERAL CAMOUFLAGE SLICED IN HALF?!” she screamed.

The soldier coughed, and then said, “It...it was…*cough, hack*...these four kids...I mean, 4 teenage boys…”

Chrysalis’s eyes widened.

“WHAT?!” she bellowed.

“B-but these four…*cough, gag*...were teenagers with...a-attitude. T-they had...a p-powerful force, one unlike anything we’d seen before. They had...the ability to morph and to even up...the score.” he coughed.

That was all he could manage to say before he passed out.

Chrysalis began to angrily grind her teeth together in a fit of anger.

And then, she screamed in rage.

“GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH……!!!”