Twilight Rainbow was a very Mary Sue pony. She was royalty after being born to Princess Celestia and an unknown stallion that died at childbirth. Celestia refuses to acknowledge him and threw away all memories of him and used a spell to erase the 5 seconds of memory Rainbow had of her dad.
She was bullied in school and a bully broke her horn, but it healed and she murdered the bully and went on the run. She found herself in Ponyville and got drunk and kicked the butts of every pony in the pub( including Butt Kick, which she changed the steroid dependent stallion's name to Butt Kicked) and gained the attention of Rainbow Dash. They had a romantic relationship and had an affair with Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Spike, and Butt Kicked. Everybody found out and beat her up and she went into a large depression.
During her depression, she found out she can turn into a guy and started getting into relationships with MALES instead of females(my inconsistency can be explained because Butt Kicked was castrated by a flying shard of glass from a shattered beer bottle). Together, the two stallions had a kid named Princess Cadence. We never find out Cadence's parents are a stallion and a transgender mare in the show because America is filled with homophobic aholes.
Twilight Rainbow got massive diarrhea that got in her way of her royal duties(but made her other duties much easier). But Butt found out she was having affairs with other ponies in their dreams. Butt eventually had a lucid dream where he gave birth to a kidney stone that granted a wish. He wished for Twilight Rainbow to die. She was lucky, because the wish backfired and Butt's body was found in Diamond Tiara's backyard. She got a death penalty of public execution, all thanks to a kidney stone. Twilight Rainbow decided to become a better pony and only had affairs with one pony per relationship. Her romantic evening in a Jacuzzi with Rarity went wrong when Rainbow's diarrhea came into action when Rarity went underwater.
However, Rarity was convinced that she treat the Jacuzzi like a mudbath, which Rarity fully enjoyed. Sadly, the heat of the sludge gave her massive burns and she went to a hospital. After they were finished soaking in sludge, they left the Spa, and the spa pony mistook the pool of sewage for a mudbath.
Rainbow decided to take therapy after all this and started taking heavy medication. She went into a massive depression and she destroyed her own home, and had a special encounter with Winona before returning to Canterlot. When she returned a filly mugged her and left her moneyless.
To get money she joined the Equestrian Tea Party and earned a million bits stealing from the lower class and cutting minimum wage to 2 bits an hour, causing a recession in all of Equestria #capitalism. Eventually the guards shot down the leader, who owned a meth lab which he used to sell drugs to ponies in need so none of them would be able to get Celesicare. However, Twilight gave birth to the leader's baby and she named the baby Rarity Two. Hasbro did not approve and tried to take the baby, so they did. TR accepted that and they became great friends and TR had a spin off show about her. Twilight became a princess and that started a new smoking hot love affair with Twilight and Twilight Rainbow. Both had twelve kids together, including fourteen that were adopted and twenty that were found on their door, and that's not counting the fifty Twilight Rainbow gave birth to during Discord's chaotic reign. Rainbow Dash got jealous and attempted to murder TR, but caught her wing on a wind turbine and had it ripped off, thus causing her to fall a great distance to her ultimate death. A week after her funeral, TR found Applejack bucking apples as usual, and TR found it hot. Together, they had four babies and adopted fourteen dogs to protect the babies from murderers.
They broke up after TR slept with Cadence, and Applejack, while angrily bucking trees, snapped her legs, thus causing her to fall forward into a bucket of apples, which wouldn't have been bad if the fourteen dogs hadn't gone over and chewed up the tree that the apple cart happened to bump into, causing it to collapse on the cart and crush Applejack. Pinkie Pie, tasked with burying Applejack's crushed remains, got electrocuted to death after piercing an electrical wire with her shovel. TR gave birth to Pinkie's babies a month later, birthing forty beautiful pink babies, giving TR a nice big maternity ward to herself where she binge watched Grey's Anatomy and completed every Zelda game twice. After awhile, the two remaining Mane pones, Twilight and Fluttershy, visited TR after she gave birth. Both were happy to see TR, which changed when TR announced she was going to have Fluttershy's babies, which caused Flutter to jump into busy traffic. She didn't get to witness TR giving birth to Flutter's twelve babies, which TR collectively named "Fluttershy Bonus Pack".
Twilight Rainbow received an invitation to Princess Cadence's wedding with Shining Armor while taking a dump. Excited, she brought her carriage to Canterlot to attend. She never met Shining before, and couldn't wait. At the wedding, everybody conversed, TR took the chance to mingle with pones she never met. She met Spitfire, and Fancypants. They all became good friends. All loved watching Degrassi, and all were huge fans of Autechre. After a while, things started getting strange money, as TR started shaking and Fancy felt funny. And then the changelings came gushing. TR got dressed and then started pushin. Changelings were pouring out Fancypants' mouth. TR hid in a closet with Spitfire where she confessed to Spitfire that she was having Spit's babies. Then they heard gunshots. It turns out Shining shot and murdered all the changelings while intensely drunk. He barfed up a kidney and passed out. Days passed, and after giving birth to Spitfire's fifty babies, she attended Cadence's wedding(take two). While cutting the cake, TR accidentally lost grip of the knife and it flew back, flying into Cadence's forehead. She died, and morphed into Chrysalis.
An hour later, TR had to take a dump and found a passage into an abandoned crystal mine. She had an excruciating diarrehha episode, filling the mine with her steaming excrement. While TR licked herself clean, she witnessed a skinny pink mass float up to the surface. She found Cadence. TR gave Cadence intense CPR, and brought her back. Cadence coughed up loads of excrement, and hugged TR, ready to finish the wedding. Thankfully, Shining Armour had a thing for poop and enjoyed the wedding. As TR went to cut the cake, she lost grip of the knife again and it flew into Cadence's forehead, killing Cadence.
Months passed. After a while, TR lived alone. Spitfire had occasional visits, and they had eighty more babies together. They went to a newly emerged Crystal Meth Empire. It was in mortal danger by an evil prince known as King Sober. Sober took away Everyponys' meth and replaced it with rock candy. TR knew what had to be done. She went into Sober's castle and admitted she was prego in the eggo with Sober's babies. She then gave birth to twelve babies. Sober, petrified, sniffed a lethal dose of meth and died.
Upon returning home, TR opened her door to find an old face. Rarity waited for her return, with bright eyes and an album made by Bright Eyes.
They caught up, and a month later TR gave birth to forty Rarity babies. They all lived together in a hut with their lovely children until Twilight burst in with a shotgun and a closed mind. She pointed it at Rarity, angry that Rarity had a relationship with TR. Rarity fell over and cried. TR tried to hug her, but stabbed her heart by accident. Mortified, Twilight confessed that she deeply loved TR and wanted to have more babies with her. TR couldn't decide: she lived her life in utter baby making and blind love. She never sat and considered what would be a perfect fit in romance. TR apologized, and the two made up.
Months passed. TR and Twilight had twenty more babies, including the forty they had the week before. Also, Rarity got out of the hospital, and everything seemed perfect. And then things happened. While relaxing and having a cup of tea, Shining Armor burst through the door with a shotgun, threatening to kill TR and Twilight. TR begged for him not to do it, that she wanted to raise an even bigger family. Shining objected, and shot up TR. She flew across the room and died.
TR woke up with Princess Celestia watching her. Celestia granted TR a wish for Celestia to do as TR's last impression before ascending to Pony Paradise. TR wondered what she could do, and asked to come back to life. Celestia granted that wish, and TR came back and jumped Shining Armor like an OG Gangsta. He pledged to return with brute force and an army, and ran off, but then tripped and rolled down a cliff and into a bog, which pulled him under and drowned him.
After a while, TR decided to work part time at a Bed Bath and Beyond. Twilight Sparkle went to work at a Costco next door. Rarity worked at the next door Best Buy. Spike worked at a strip club across the street. They all highly enjoyed their jobs, and earned enough to purchase a beach house in Santa Maneica, and eventually bought all of the city. They visited the beach, dropping beer bottles everywhere on the shore and Twilight Sparkle accidentally blew up the pier practicing a fire spell. They were driven out and they headed for West Hinny Hills, where they spent their refuge months in Faust street. Spike went to school in Van Neighs, having to pay a crap ton of money a day to take the bus to education central.
While TR went shopping at Trader Joe's, she found out that she had been followed there by Tirek. He took TR's powers, but then she told him she was having Tirek's babies. Tirek felt moved by the news, and kidnapped her and flew her to Texas. TR was being held captive in a RV by a bunch of redneck ponies that shot at RC planes that the fillies were flying, afraid the Celestia could be watching them. They loved their lifestyle and wanted to keep it, shooting and killing any pony that walked by that they took as troublemakers. TR had to eat the corpses for two weeks straight, and she gave birth to Tirek's forty babies in captivity. TR's slavery didn't last, however, as he walked home and found the guards strangled by confederate flags. TR escaped the South, getting migraines from the country tunes blasted through speakers in Pickup carriages almost everywhere she went.
TR returned home and found Twilight, Spike and Rarity missing. TR was worried. She looked for them and found them in Manehatten, where they told her about how they got worried about where she went and went searching. Together, TR had fifty make up babies each: fifty for Twily, fifty for Spike and fifty for Rarity. Many days passed as they continued living in West Hinny Hills, occasionally going to Broodland Hills, taking the carriage route from Fallbrood Street. Life seemed perfected.
A year passed, and TR started housing Coco Pommel, where she and TR had forty babies together. Coco got a job at a Walmart. She earned 9 bits an hour, and she complained, with the company telling her she isn't worth it. A week later she was assigned to clean the toilets after Walmart's Annual Chipotle Buffet, but she and some other disgruntled employees took a stand, giving out free iPads to costumers. The employees were laid off, but Coco kept her job, but was demoted to the worst Walmart job position ever: costumer service. Eventually, Coco had to work as an exotic dancer in a Kmart, until Princess TR's house was featured on an episode of the Apprentice.
Coco worked in Microsoft for 4 years, so she had experience in big business. She met Donald Trump, and won the show, and put Donald out of business. Trump had no ego left, until he found out Celestia died choking on a pinto bean, which he found out the only way to boost his humongous ego was to run for president in the USA. He flew back to America and after making a highly offensive remark about Twilight Sparkle and a flagpole during his speech, Twilight Sparkle spent two whole months in her room crying. As revenge, TR sent him tickets to a Justin Beiber concert. Donald Trump was never seen again.
To celebrate, Twilight and Twilight had 400 babies.
Months later, the surviving ponies were sleeping in a hotel room to ponder over everything they've been through. Twilight Rainbow decided she wanted to find another place. She realized she wouldnt be happy with the ponies she was with. Twilight stole money from everyponys' wallets and left. The next morning, the surviving ponies, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Princess Luna, Spike, and Marble Pie were wrecking their hotel room in anger, while Twilight Rainbow proudly walked away, giving a speech that was originally ironic but now completely serious, with Underworld's "Born Slippy" playing in the background. How do I know all these things about Twilight Rainbow, you ask. Because I AM Twilight Rainbow. By the way, I'm pregnant with your babies. Boo yeah.
THE END
Author's Note
If you're part of Equestria Daily, make me famous. Not Charles Manson famous. More like....Mr. Rogers famous. Twilight's story must be heard!
Official Soundtrack CD tracklist, filled with songs that influenced the making of the fic, now available through Ghostly International:
- Pulp: Common People
- Roxy Music: Same Old Scene
- M83: Birds
- Neon Indian: Smut!
- The xx: Islands
- The Verve: Sonnet
- Tears for Fears: Head Over Heels
- Temper Trap: Sweet Disposition
- Moby: Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?
- Gwen Stefani: Hollaback Girl
- Pet Shop Boys: West End Girls
- Ultravox: Vienna
CREDITS SONG: Saint Etienne-Wilson
