Princess Celestia's Newest Arch Enemy

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4676

When a colt named "Bad Dude" storms into Celestia's personal study and declares himself as her latest arch enemy, the Princess can't help but nearly gush from the sight. But is there more to "Bad Dude" than his cute exterior would suggest?

When a colt named "Bad Dude" storms into Celestia's personal study and declares himself as her latest arch enemy, the Princess can't help but nearly gush from the sight. As perhaps the cutest villain Celestia has ever encountered, she hurriedly calls for Luna to meet him as well.

But is there more to "Bad Dude" than his cute exterior would suggest?

No. No there is not.

Now with a youtube reading! HERE!

Published 2015-12-14 09:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-07 00:08:19 UTC

Secret Soup Phones

Princess Celestia strolled away from the window, the beautiful sun over Ponyville properly raised to its correct height. Back at her desk, she took a sip from her tea. It felt like a good day. A real good day. Luna had finished her duties hours ago and was peacefully asleep; the castle was alive with the hustle and bustle of busy ponies; and, Celestia had found she’d only perhaps an hour worth of actual work that day.

Maybe I’ll walk through the gardens this afternoon, she thought pleasantly, before a guard stuck his head inside the room.

“Princess… there’s someone here to see you,” he stammered out.

Celestia sat in the chair behind her desk. “Have they made an appointment?”

The guard shook his head gravely. “No. And they refuse to leave without seeing you. They’re calling themselves…” he took a dramatic breath, “your new arch enemy!”

Celestia took another dainty sip from her tea. Sadly by this point in her life, villains were a constant and almost necessary part of her daily routine—energetic clashes with the forces of evil that helped reinforce her lofty position as co-ruler of Equestria. And as her personal trainer once told her long ago: “A villain battle a day keeps the extra pounds at bay.”

Celestia raised a brow. “They claim to be my enemy yet don’t bother to barge in here?”

The guard gulped. “It’s a little more complicated than that, Princess. I would’ve turned him away if I could, but… he’s just so darn cute!”

“Cute?”

The guard said no more and retreated from the room, snapping the door shut behind him. Celestia grimaced and thought what it could mean. An arch enemy that’s cute? It was possible, no doubt. Looks could always be deceiving. They might be the type of villain that messes with the hearts and minds of others—projecting an image of pure sugary goodness so as not to be denied or attacked by the rightful and just.

They’ll be in for quite the surprise, she thought, as she levitated her armor over to her and placed it on.

Someone quietly knocked on the door.

Celestia tightened her jaw. “Come in.”

A pregnant pause followed. A small voice outside the door asked, “Can I come in yet?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes! Come in!”

Another pause followed. “I can’t reach the doorknob! Can you… can you open it for me?”

Pushing out from her seat, Celestia lowered to the ground, battle ready. Her new enemy must’ve been trying to lull her into a false sense of security by acting so childish. Not today, arch enemy three-thousand four-hundred and twenty-five! she thought triumphantly.

With her horn she opened the door and slid back into her seat the moment her latest villain entered the room. She let out a soft awwww! noise that was reminiscent of a boiling tea kettle.

Her “arch enemy” was none other than a small grey colt with large eyes and a royal blue cape tied around his neck. He stopped in the center of the room, observing his surroundings for a moment. Then his eyes found hers and he gritted his teeth menacingly.

“Princess Celestia!” he exclaimed loudly, a tiny squeak in his voice. “Finally, we meet! Now there is nowhere left to run!”

Celestia leaned to peer around him and out the doorway, curious if someone had sent him in there on a dare. Finding the hall empty, she turned back to him with mock concern. “Or course, it was never the plan to run from the likes of you…” she chewed on her tongue, “…you being who exactly?”

The colt smirked and narrowed his eyes. “Hear my name and hear it well, Princess! For from this moment on, you shall never rest without pondering my latest move—for I am Sweet Glaze and I will—”

He stopped suddenly and his cheeks burned crimson.

Celestia asked him softly, “You didn’t just give away your real name, did you?”

He stared at the floor, scratching one leg against the other. “No…” he answered miserably.

“Want to try again?”

He brightened and shook his back to straighten out his cape. “That was only my trick name, Princess! The real name of your greatest enemy is actually… Bad Dude!”

Using a hoof to cover her mouth, Celestia could hardly keep the giggles at bay. “Oh, really? As in one really Bad Dude?”

He nodded enthusiastically.

“And what, pray tell, have you come here to do today, Bad Dude? Wage war against all of Equestria?”

Again, the colt stared at the floor, downcast. “No… I’ve come here to fill out a villain application form. That’s what the guard outside told me I’m supposed to do. He said all new villains need to register with one of the Princesses before they’re allowed wreaking havoc on the masses.”

Celestia gave a deep nod, gathering an extra scrap of parchment to her. Her guard must’ve been trying to shoo the colt away, mentioning a “villain application form” that had to be filled out before any villainy could take place. “And my guard was right,” she told Bad Dude bluntly. “Always need to follow protocol. I’ll just get this form started, then.” She pretended to jot down a few lines by the top. “Name: Bad Dude… occupation: villain…”

“Super villain,” he corrected.

“Super villain,” she said, before continuing, “… Earth pony… grey… what grade are you in, Bad Dude?”

“Two.”

“Favorite subject?”

“History.”

Celestia smiled warmly. “That’s one of my favorite subjects, too.”

Bad Dude sneered at her. “I like it because we get to learn all about old villains and how they took over parts of Equestria before they were stopped. I’m planning on doing the exact opposite of what they did.”

“That’s smart,” Celestia said.

“I liked King Sombra the best.”

“And I’m sure you’ll do a lot better than he did.” Celestia smiled. “Is that your whole costume? The cape?”

He shook his head. “No. My mom’s still working on a mask. A really scary one. She’s the one that dropped me off here, actually… but I probably shouldn’t have told you that.”

“And does Bad Dude have an origin story already?”

Bad Dude furrowed the brows over his big expressive eyes. “A what?”

“An event that made you want to go bad?”

“Oh, yeah. I was sitting in school one day, looking out the window when a saw a squirrel running around outside. Then I thought how much I’d love to go play with the squirrel, but I couldn’t on account of being stuck in school.”

Celestia pursed her lips. “And that made you want to be a villain?”

“Yep, because villains don’t need to go to school unless they want to. I thought about being a superhero too, because they don’t need to worry about school either, but most of them are princesses and I don’t really think I’d be a very good princess. Also, I really like wearing capes.”

Celestia murmured, “ORIGIN: Squirrel”, before setting her bit of parchment aside. “Would you care for a cookie, Bad Dude? My chef’s just made a fresh batch this morning and left a tray out on my desk.”

Bad Dude’s eyes shot open. “Really? I love—” He stopped himself again, frowning. “Villains aren’t really supposed to have cookies with Princesses… it might ruin my reputation…”

Celestia thought for a moment. “Well, I’m sure being a new and intimidating villain such as yourself, you wouldn’t have a problem stealing a cookie from me? Perhaps when my back was turned?”

Giggling to herself all over again, Celestia spun her chair around and listened as Bad Dude approached the plate of cookies on her desk before he made a hurried retreat. When she faced him again, the colt had bits of chocolate and crumbs on his muzzle and another cookie on a hoof, waiting to be devoured.

She shook her head in fake disgust. “Not only do you steal cookies from the Princess of Equestria, but you take two? You truly are one seriously Bad Dude.”

He gave her a very chocolate-covered grin. “I took three cookies!”

Celestia gasped. “Then maybe I underestimated you. Perhaps it’s time you met my sister—your other arch enemy. Only then can I officially place you in the Royal Canterlot Villain Database.”

A bit of cookie fell from Bad Dude’s mouth. “Princess Luna? I thought she slept during the day? You… you don’t have to bother her… I mean…”

This is way too cute not to show Luna, Celestia mused, and she can always sleep later.

On the side of her desk, Celestia opened a drawer and retrieved an empty soup can tied to a length of string. She held the open end of the can up to her ear and made a bring-bring noise out of the side of her mouth.

Bad Dude stared at her bewildered.

“Argh…” answered Luna sluggishly on the other end of the can. “Celestia? Why are you calling me on the secret soup phone? You know this line is only to be used for emergencies.”

Celestia grinned thinly. “I know that, sister. And quite an emergency we have.”

“Really?”

“Yes. There is a new villain here named Bad Dude who promises to bring terror throughout Equestria the moment he can—”

Celestia caught glimpse of Bad Dude signaling to her. He told her quietly, “I just need to be back home by five for dinner.”

Celestia nodded, still speaking into the soup can telephone. “Evil villainy anytime before five, actually.”

“Where is this villain now?” Luna asked tiredly.

“In my personal study, right in front of me.” Celestia added some levity to her voice, hopeful her sister would pick up on the less-than-serious situation at hoof. “Already he’s taken from my personal cookie supply and promises more wrath in the coming days—”

BOOM!

The set of double doors behind Celestia rocketed open and Luna shot inside, clad head to hoof in her silvery armor. She slit her eyes and glared around the room.

“Where be this new villain that dares threaten my sister!” she yelled, causing pictures to rattle on the walls.

Bad Dude’s face went white and his tail shot between his legs. His mouth became as thin as a pencil line.

“You shall not hide from—” Luna glanced around the room quickly. She scratched at a cheek. “Where is this nefarious villain, dear sister?”

Celestia motioned to the trembling colt.

“Is he behind the colt with the cape?” Luna asked curiously.

Celestia cleared her throat. “Princess Luna, allow me to introduce our latest arch enemy: Bad Dude. Bad Dude, this is Princess Luna, whom I have no doubt you’ll be clashing with over the coming months.” She turned to Luna. “I’m just registering him into the Royal Canterlot Villain Database.”

Luna cocked a brow. “We do that now? Why was I not informed of this?”

Celestia gave her sister a quick kick in the knee and leaned over to her. “Just play along a bit. Bad Dude’s adorable and really wants to be a super villain, so just don’t go ruining it for him, all right? When he leaves, I’ll send a letter to his parents to try and persuade him onto another career path.”

Luna straightened and shuffled her armor. She fixed her gaze on Bad Dude. “So it is you I shall need to battle soon. I do hope you are as bad as your name would suggest.”

By that point, Bad Dude had stopped trembling and regained some of his original confidence. “Even worse! Like, one time at the Hay Burger, I got two toys in my Joy Meal by accident and didn’t tell anyone!”

Simultaneously, Celestia and Luna let out another round of awwwww!

Bad Dude, perhaps mistaking their noises for gasps of horror, grasped the edges of his cape while performing a spin. The only problem was that his cape was a few inches too long and when he stepped to the side, he ended up tripping over it.

With a faint smack, he face planted to the floor, looking up at them with tears in the corners of his eyes. He hitched in a few short breaths, clearly on the verge of sobbing.

Celestia’s hooves shot to her chest. “Oh, sweetie! Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself? Let us help you up.”

Celestia and Luna were about to go over to him when Bad Dude stood back up and roughly wiped at his wet cheeks with his cape. He told them stubbornly, “I wasn’t crying. That didn’t even hurt… much. I was just… letting out some pure nastiness through my eyes. You can’t let pure nastiness buildup for too long otherwise it gives you a tummy ache. Every villain knows that!”

Celestia and Luna exaggerated a nod to each other. “I have heard about that,” Luna agreed readily.

Celestia stood up from her desk, ready to call things a day. “Well, I look forward to our many future clashes, Bad Dude, but if you’ll excuse both of us…”

Bad Dude inhaled suddenly. “But wait! I didn’t even get to mention my sidekick!”

Luna and Celestia squeed again. Luna said to her, “He even has a sidekick! That is so flipping adorable!” before she said to Bad Dude, “Is one of your friends your sidekick? Or one of your pets, perhaps?”

Bad Dude shook his head eagerly. “No. He’s this weird looking guy I met out in the lobby. He seemed really interested in joining my team. He said he likes working for others best because they get blamed instead of him. He also said he wanted to get started right away, and that’s why he said to come in here and distract you for as long as I could.”

The warm tea in Celestia’s belly went ice cold. She had trouble keeping a smile. “He didn’t happen to give you his name, did he?”

“Discord,” Bad Dude answered openly. “But I probably shouldn’t have told you that, should I?”

Celestia sighed, then spun her chair to face the window overlooking Ponyville again. Just as she had thought she might see, all of Ponyville’s buildings and roads had been replaced with various types of potatoes—boiled, mashed, fried, cut up or cubed.

“Damn,” she muttered aloud, “Discord’s gone and made Potatoville again.”

When a half-dozen clouds of sour cream passed over the giant potato town and began raining down bits of cheese and chives, she mentally corrected herself: Loaded Baked Potatoville.

A high-pitched scream from inside the room pulled at Celestia’s attention. She turned and found Luna hovering in the air and chasing Bad Dude around the room as he nervously scampered away.

“Hold still, Bad Dude!” Luna spoke, her voice amplified to earsplitting levels. “You have only yourself to blame! I knew your cute antics were only a ruse!”

Bad Dude panted as he trotted away from her. “I’ve changed my mind! I don’t want to be a villain anymore! I’ll be a princess instead!”

“Fine!” Luna exclaimed. “Right after your defeat!”

“Can’t you just befriend me or something?”

“I have grown sick of befriending! I can barely keep track of all my new villain friends! Now hold still and prepare for swift Luna-style justice!”

It took Celestia a good ten minutes to pry Luna away from Bad Dude, and another thirty to speak with Bad Dude’s mother down in the castle lobby. Bad Dude may not have gotten the notoriety he’d been looking for as a super villain, but according to his mother he was, in fact, “In the most trouble ever in the history of Equestria.” Not bad for a first time villain. By the time Celestia returned to her study and looked out her window again, Discord had already unveiled a brand new gravy-themed water park right in the heart of Potatoville: Gravy Falls.

Celestia made a mental note to check it out sometime.

It sounded delicious.

Author's Note

Just something light and fluffy in-between longer stories. Also... secret soup phones.

For some reason, I just love writing me some silly Celestia and terrible villains. Also, Potatoville. :trollestia:

The Bidding War (Bonus Chapter)

“Looks like your plan worked perfectly, eh, boss?” Discord said smugly, as he lazily skated through the streets of the newly recreated Potatoville.

Bad Dude sat on one of the draconequus’ shoulders, a hoof wrapped around a horn so he wouldn’t slip off and his royal blue cape billowing out behind him. “That wasn’t my plan!” he exclaimed stubbornly. “You tricked me!”

Discord harrumphed. “That’s not the way I remember it. Let me see if I can recall what happened exactly.” He pulled on his beard in thought. “You said, ‘Hello,’ and I said, ‘Hi,’ and then you asked me to turn everything into potatoes. Yep. That’s how it went, I remember now. Case closed.”

“I didn’t say anything like that!” Bad Dude said squeakily. “I asked if you liked capes and you said you had to think about it.”

“Hmm. Maybe I just had potatoes on the brain. And look at that! Now they’re on the streets and on the buildings as well! We really make a good team, Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude turned to the side and found a trio of foals making a snowpony out of the mashed potatoes on their lawn. While the children laughed as they rolled their potato balls bigger and bigger, the adults looking on only shook their heads and grumbled in annoyance.

“My parents were really mad at me,” Bad Dude admitted sadly. “They said I shouldn’t be playing with you anymore.”

When he rounded a street corner, Discord leapt into the air and performed a spin, landing gracefully on his skates and spraying bits of hash browns everywhere. Bad Dude had to grip his head tight so he wouldn’t fall off.

Discord rolled his eyes. “So what? You got in trouble! You thought villains never got in trouble?” He giggled richly. “I must say for your first ‘official’ day as super villain, you did exceedingly well. Not only does Potatoville finally come to pass, but both Princesses are suddenly put out of commission?”

Bad Dude pouted. “I didn’t mean to!”

Discord twirled them around a lamppost made out of giant fries. “Well, that’s not what the doctors are saying. Massive heart problems, wasn’t it? From what I understand, they have enough energy to fiddle with the sun and the moon while stuck in bed and little else. You really let them have it, didn’t you?”

“But!” Bad Dude stammered out, his voice cracking around the edges. “But… I didn’t mean to do any—”

Discord came to an abrupt halt and gripped his chest with his claws, grimacing in pain. “Now cut that out, Bad Dude! Just because my heart is smaller than most does not mean it cannot be torn asunder by your cute, adorable little ways!” He gave the colt’s head a playful pat. “Remember, boss, we’re on the same team here!” A single tear had oozed out of one of his eyes and he flicked it away with a claw. He muttered, “Great! Now you got me leaking pure nastiness again!”

They skated up another street and came to a stop in front of a potato statue in the form of a singing Discord. Out of his mouth was spewing a never-ending supply of rich, warm gravy.

Discord set Bad Dude down at the edge of the gravy fountain. “I know what’ll make you feel better!” He snapped a small container loaded with strips of potato and mounds of cheese onto his hand, then he stuck his hand under the statue’s mouth, drowning it in gravy. He handed the soaking container down to Bad Dude.

For a time, Bad Dude merely stared at it. “What is it?”

“Not sure, really,” Discord replied absently. “Some specialty from the Frozen North—potato, cheese curds, gravy. Some ponies must like it.”

Back on Discord’s shoulder, the pair made their may to the edge of Potatoville, where a large, purple castle seemed to be the only structure unaffected by the starchy makeover. During the ride over, Bad Dude tried his best to explain all that had happened inside Celestia’s study.

“Secret soup phones?” Discord raised a mischievous brow. “So that’s how they’ve been communicating so easily. It makes perfect sense! Of course it does!”

They stopped a few meters in front of the purple castle’s doors and Bad Dude leapt off Discord’s shoulder. Discord knelt down to him. “There’s just one more alicorn I’d like for you to meet, Bad Dude. She’s really friendly and super nice.”

Bad Dude stared up at him. “Another princess? Does she need to sign my villain application form too?”

Discord thought on that. “Uh… yes, of course. That’s totally why I brought you here. Villains also gotta make a name for themselves, don’t yah know? Spread as much fear as they can.”

Bad Dude nodded slowly. “I… guess that makes sense.” He hesitated, before asking, “After… do you think… do you think we could have a mashed potato ball fight? I saw some other kids doing it and it looked like a lot of fun.”

Angrily, Discord shut his eyes and grabbed at the skin above his heart again. “Stop being so cute, damn it!”

Bad Dude stared down at his hooves. “Sorry.”

Discord sighed. “That’s all right. It’s a talent, isn’t it? Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna—” But he cut his sentence short as he noticed a bright pink mare standing beside them. Her mane and tail expanded rapidly like an inflating balloon.

When her eyes found Bad Dude’s—and most importantly, his cape—she gasped in shock.

“Pinkie…” Discord warned her calmly. “Let’s not get excited now.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “But you forget that I’m always excited!” Before anymore could be said, she inhaled loudly and screamed, “It’s the Princess Slayer! Run for your lives! Especially Twilight! Bwahhhhh!”

Like a cannonball, the pink mare retreated into the front doors of the purple castle, before every window and opening on the huge place was sealed shut by a thick wall of stainless steel.

“Hmm.” Discord scratched his chin. “Looks like they might’ve heard about you already, Bad Dude; it seems this plan of yours was doomed to fail before it even began.”

Bad Dude stomped his hooves on the ground. “This wasn’t my idea!”

“It wasn’t? You really need to start keeping me up to date on your latest schemes, then.”

Bad Dude frowned, then frowned harder when Discord pelted him in the face with a mashed potato ball.

***

Bad Dude arrived home a while later and hid his cape underneath a leg as he entered the shop. His dad owned a world renowned donut store in Canterlot and him and his parents lived above it. Already Bad Dude’s dad was planning on giving out free donuts to anyone whose homes were “potatofied” days prior. Bad Dude just knew he’d be the one baking with him over the weekend, having been the one that caused it all to begin with.

“Hello, Sweet Glaze,” his mother greeted him warmly. “You help clean up some of those potatoes in town?”

Bad Dude gave a weak nod, clutching his cape to his side and out of sight. “Yep. Sure did.”

“And no more super villain tomfoolery?”

He paused. “Nope.”

“Good! You got a few letters in the mail today. Even a package.” His mother giggled to herself. “Couldn’t be from that unicorn in school again, could it? The one that sent you the Hearts and Hooves day card?”

Bad Dude blushed as his mother continued to laugh. Without another word, he stormed upstairs to his room and found a half-dozen brightly colored letters on his bed as well as a small attached package. He stared at them curiously, before selecting the black envelope on top first.

He pulled the parchment out and read:

Dearest Bad Dude,

My spies in Canterlot have informed me of your absolute and total destruction of the princess sisters and I must say I am impressed. As a new villain, you must be curious about which direction to go, but have you ever thought about joining my changeling family? It’s clear that you are a force to be reckoned with and I, for one, would love to see you come aboard team Chrysalis. Why waste your time with a loon like Discord? Could he possibly match my current pay rate or exciting advancement opportunities? I think not. We’re not just a ‘team’ here in my ever expanding hive. We’re a family. And family’s what’s important here.

If you’d like to schedule a meeting to discuss things further, don’t hesitate to write.

Lots of love and kisses,

Queen Chrysalis

With jittering hooves, Bad Dude set down the letter and picked up the next one without thinking. The envelope was blood red with specks of dirt along the edges.

It read:

Bad Dude,

I hope this letter finds you well, or better than myself at the moment. The great King Sombra has taken refuge in a small cave somewhere near the edge of the Frozen North. Over the last several months, I have been returning to my former strength and now word travels through the icy winds about a colt that manages to best both alicorn princesses at once. It is something even I was not able to do during my rule.

Although I cannot offer you the title of king, have you ever thought about a life as a prince? Together, I believe we can take back the Crystal Empire and regain control of my slaves. Sick of chores around the house? Slaves make the hardest of chores a snap. And doesn’t the thought of owning an entire empire sound the least bit intriguing? Why join sides with a clown or a bug queen when you can join sides with a true king?

As a fellow cape connoisseur, I have included one of my old capes as a gift.

Looking forward to many lifetimes of cruelty together,

Yours truly, K. Sombra

With hooves shaking even worse than before, Bad Dude undid the wrapping on the small box attached to the letter and scooped out the long red cape with white-and-black trim. He rubbed his face along it for a moment. It felt soft. It also smelled of pure nastiness tears.

After opening up the remaining letters and learning of Tirek’s current visiting hours and whether he’d like to meet for tea and talk (while also mentioning that betraying Discord is a perfectly natural thing to do), Bad Dude really couldn’t stop fidgeting on his bed.

Anxious, he packed up his letters into a saddlebag and hurried down the stairs.

“Mom?” he asked innocently enough. “Can I go play with some new friends I made?”

“As long as those friends aren’t Discord,” she answered curtly from the kitchen.

“Okay. Could I invite them over for dinner if I wanted to?”

“As long as they behave themselves and wash their hooves.”

“Okay!” Bad Dude said, before bolting to the front door.

But what would Chrysalis eat? he suddenly wondered.

Then it came to him. I’ll just give her a bunch of hugs. Maybe a kiss on the cheek for dessert.

He snickered as he left the house.

“I really am good at this whole villain thing.”

Author's Note

All right. Just a little extra idea that came to me today and also to thank everyone for making this story as big as it's become. Honestly, it was very unexpected, but of course very welcome. All I've done the last three days is read and reread comments with a really dumb grin on my face. Sadly, that means I haven't written much either. Hopefully this story falls away soon so I can get back to work already! :fluttershyouch:

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for all the likes, favs, and comments. It's been a very nice early Christmas present, I must say. :twilightsmile: