Haymaker

by kulekitsune

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Comedy, Romance, Adventure
Length: 15118

Human survives end of the world, ends up in Equestria.

It's the end of the world. A vagrant knight, a Caballero, survives- out of his element- on the street. A Sentinel of the Heart, torn from a dying, decaying reality, lands in a world where his family's covenant to defend can finally be restored… and upheld. He swears his shield to the Princess of Hearts, but his own belongs to someone else entirely…

<Rated Mature for future clop, might get the gore/dark tag depending on how action-y (yes, that's totally a word) it gets. Maybe.>

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-02 22:41:27 UTC

String 'Theory'? Not anymore...

Well. This could have turned out significantly worse, that’s for DAMN sure. I suppose I’m grateful for everything that has happened to me so far. The locals have treated me far better than my own family have. Plus- I gotta say- the end of the world does wonders for your self esteem. Surviving it, that is.

But, I get ahead of myself. Introductions, all that. My name is Thomas Cody, age 23, 6'6”, 220 pounds. I have brown hair and powder-blue eyes.

I am ostensibly the last remaining human from planet Earth.

And I am an alien.

***

This whole mess started in the middle of January, right around my birthday. My cousin and I were attending a family reunion, and he decided to show up with some boy he'd met, announcing that he was gay. Naturally, my homophobic father- being the head of everything- cast him out of the family at large. And then proceeded to hold a secret inquisition of all the family members, starting with the closest to him and moving out.

Now, my uncle knew that my cousin was in the closet. He also knew I was bisexual, and nobody- I mean NOBODY- hides anything from my father. I won't go into great length, but some of my cousins outed me under threat of physical violence, and I was already headed for the hills by the time my father found out.

So, here I find myself (in more meanings of the phrase than you can possibly imagine), in San Francisco. It was the last day of the Mayan calendar, and I had just gotten off work to head back to Hobo town where my pal Markus Grahams was sitting on my spot. We looked out for each other.

Oh, yeah, by the by- I'm homeless.

I take him a grinder, or some Stromboli every night as thanks for saving my stuff, and my boss just takes it out of my paycheck. But Tommy, you ask, why would someone employ you without a place of residence? Well, it helps when you save them from a mugging. That and overlooking a few small OSHA violations in the kitchen. Hey, I like to live on the edge.

Markus takes his dinner and goes up top to watch the stars every few nights, and I sit listening to the news on an old radio I had one of the other squatters fix up, while playing jazz and reggae on my guitar. Helped brighten up the mood for most everybody. But tonight, God or Vishnu or... fucking Cthulhu, I don't know, decided he/she/it wasn't having any more of this 'existence' bullshit, and promptly rained on Earth's goddamn parade.

And by rained, I mean bathed in deadly cosmic radiation. Sorry, I tend to swear like a sailor when I get pissed off. So, anyway, a deep-space pulsar zaps the sun, which promptly throws an epic hissy, and begins- for some messed up science-y reason I will probably never understand, despite the fact that I am a colossal nerd- to grow superdense and collapse in on itself violently.

I guess.

The chain reaction sent a beginning wave of radiation at like... one one-millionth of the rest of the waves' power. Like a warning shot- “Eight minutes, get your shit together”, or something like that. All we saw was the night sky turning red as the other side of the planet was deep-fried. The ambient temperature shot up to 'holy shit, my car just melted' levels, and I saw weird yellow...gaps, for lack of a better term, floating- or not existing, take your pick- in midair.

And in a strange kind of... dissonant serenity, I figured 'Hey, I'm dead anyways, might as well get... spaghettified, or whatever wormholes do to you, y'know? Exit with style'. So I gathered my iPhone (yes, I know I should have sold it, but I can't get through the day without some kind of music, I'm an addict, okay?), guitar, and a satchel of clothes I kept close in case I needed to bail fast. And I stepped through oblivion.

*

And here I am in a forest. Why am I in a forest? I turned around, and the air was... not broken, or whatever. And there was a road, in the open. I decided that 'civilized' was probably a safer bet than wilderness for my foreseeable wellbeing, and started walking... that-a-way. Cause I'm freakin' Magellan, okay?

It is about... 'crack-of-dawn' in the morning, and I have no idea which star is Polaris, and the moon is new, so I ain't got crap to navigate by. Not that it matters, without an atlas or map, or something. I walk for about an hour, until the now-unexploded sun pokes its way over the horizon, showing me that I am heading northeast. I come across rolling farmlands and see a little cottage by the side of the road. I casually stroll up to the house and knock on the nondescript door, calling out for assistance.

“Hello? Is anyone there? I've been walking for quite a while, and I was wondering where the closest city is.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw brief movement in the window next to the door, followed by a feminine gasp, and a dull thud against the door, as if someone were braced against it.

“G-g-go away!” a young woman yelled from inside. “Whatever you... j-just leave!”

“But...I'm lost...I don't know where to go!” I threw my hands up in exasperation.

“N-north! Just keep going north! You should see lots of tents along the road.”

“...Fine! Whatever. It's not like I've really got anywhere to be.”

An elderly man's voice sounded from inside: “Dagnabbit, JUST GO AWAY!!!”

I hurried along the cobblestone road, not wishing to incur the further wrath of the homesteaders. I took this opportunity to pop out my iPod and listen to music, strolling lazily along the path for another half-hour until my legs got tired. I sat down on a stone wall, weighing all my options, and letting the events of the previous day sink in.

Had I really survived the end of the world? If I had, then WHERE THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I NOW? Did I get blasted back to pioneer...or pre-industrial days, or something? Oh, god... if I did, then I can't really listen to my iPhone anymore, won't have indoor plumbing, medicine, and all those bible-thumping wild west folks will kill me if I ever come out! I'm back where I fucking started!

“Sonovacrap!” I swore, shutting off my iPhone, and shoving it in my rucksack. I slung my guitar over my shoulder and resumed my now-angry walk to town. And, lo and behold, as I crested the ridge, I saw apple trees to my right and pink and yellow tents ahead. I picked up the pace and saw that the tents were actually market stalls, without a single merchant in sight.

Among the tents, in a large clearing, was a large building. Or carnival ride, I couldn't tell which. It looked like a merry-go-round, with chibi horses surrounding it. On the front of the building, in very ornate lettering, were the words 'Carousel Boutique'. I knocked cautiously at the door, although I wasn't honestly expecting an answer at- what, five in the morning, or something? So I figured I would hide around back, where I could maybe catch a few Z's without anyone seeing me. Hell, getting picked up for vagrancy would be a godsend, since it would mean a bath (sort of), a few meals (sort of) and a bed to lie down in (again, sort of).

I laid my rucksack down on the ground, close to the back door- which I noted has a cat-door installed- and close my eyes. Not five minutes go by before I feel four little points of soft pressure on my sternum. I crack open one eye, and see a rather large Persian cat with a blue bow on its head sitting on my chest. I reached up out of its field of vision, and grabbed its back. It immediately braced itself, but calmed down when I started scratching under its chin.

I sat up and set the cat on the ground next to me, and it started to climb up on my shoulders. I held my hand over my bowed head, and she rubbed her face on it, all while I was degenerating into sappy baby talk. At some point, she hopped off my shoulders and ran back to the cat door; as my gaze followed her, I was greeted by another four-legged guest.

This new creature must be some odd breed of horse, nearly identical to the ones adorning the boutique. They must be the city's mascot. “Well hello, cutie! Where did you come from?” I started making kissing noises and beckoning with my fingers, but it just stood there, eyes wide and mouth agape, as if it were absolutely shocked to see me. Speaking of its eyes... they faced forward. Stereoscopic eyes are a trait that only carnivores have, so here's hoping I don't lose any fingers.

I knelt next to the shivering creature, and its ears immediately folded back, eyes wrenching shut. I think I heard it whimpering, too. “Shh, shh... it's okay, cutie. I just wanna be friends, okay?” I was close enough for a better look in the low morning light, and saw that the equine had an alabaster coat, and... A purple mane? Curled and styled, too. She must have an owner at a farm nearby. Or the jeweler, if that three-diamond brand/tattoo thing was any indication.

Then, I noticed the front of its head. There, atop this beautiful creature's noggin, swirls running down the side...was an honest-to-God horn. Like a miniature, nubby unicorn. “What.” I said flatly. Not even a question, I just blurted out a brain-fart of pure disbelief. I stared for a moment, collecting my thoughts, before pondering aloud: “What are you?”

“P-p-pony...” I heard a small, feminine voice whimper. I immediately perked up, looking around for the source.

“Hello? Someone there?” I waited for an answer, but the only sounds I heard came from the terrified... unicorn, I guess I'll call it, until I figure out what it really is. Could be a land narwhal, for all I know.

When I didn't receive a response, I turned back to the horse. I ran my hand down her mane, trying to calm the poor creature, and said “I should get you back to your owner. They're probably worried sick.” The moment the words left my mouth, the unicorn did something I could barely comprehend. She began sobbing hysterically. I didn't even think horses could sob. Actually, I'm almost 100% certain that they can't. And then, my entire world came crashing down around me as the terrified animal skittered away from me, pressing flush against the wall of the Boutique… and began to speak.

“Please don't take me away! I don't want to be somepony's pet! Please, I have a baby sister to care for! She would be lost without me!” she sobbed hysterically.

“...WHAT.”

*

“Opal! Opalescence? Sweetie, where are you? Mommy's getting worried; it's time for your bath, your coat has become simply grungy today!” Rarity beckoned her cat out of hiding with a saucer of cream, a toy mouse, and even a bit of ribbon, and neither hide nor hair of the furball was evident in the Carousel Boutique…until she spotted the cat door in the kitchen swinging closed. Rarity let out an exasperated sigh.

“Honestly, I don't know why I let Applebloom install this thing in the first place. All it does is encourage my little darling to become absolutely filthy, day in and day out,” she muttered to herself as she opened the back door. “Opal, baby, come to mommy!” As soon as she stepped outside, however, her blood nearly froze in her veins.

There, sitting on the ground, facing away from her, was a large... thing. And Opalescence was sitting on top of the creature, rubbing up against...

Oh, Celestia, it has paws like a... like a...Diamond Dog! Oh, no! What if it has come to take me back to those horrid cretins?

Rarity stood paralyzed as her beloved kitty ran from the creature, back inside the Boutique. This ultimately led the creature to turn and face her.

“Well hello, cutie! Where did you come from?”

Did it… he… just call me… cute?

Rarity's horror was partially replaced by confusion as the creature made odd beckoning noises, extending its paw towards her as it slowly crept forward, reaching out to touch her mane. She cringed as he put his paw- albeit gently- on her head, wrenching her eyes shut as he ran his... claws? (They weren't exactly sharp) down her neck and back. “Shh, shh... it's okay, cutie. I just wanna be friends, okay?” he cooed.

Rarity was still confused and terrified, but for some reason, she was starting to be put at ease.  She truly believed that the being meant her no harm, but she just couldn’t calm herself. Even though that rubbing felt amazing… she still shivered with fear. The big…thing looked her all over, pausing finally at her horn.

He stared, mystified for a moment, before uttering a disbelieving “What.”

A few moments later, he mysteriously asked “What are you?”

…What am I? Doesn’t he know? How could he not- wait! If he does not know what I am, then he couldn’t be working for the Diamond Dogs! Come on, old girl, talk! Something!

“P-p-pony...” she managed to stammer out. …Well, better than nothing…

He immediately began looking around, asking “Hello? Someone there?” in a cautious tone of voice. As if he couldn’t tell where her voice were coming from! After looking around fruitlessly, he turned his attention back to Rarity. She felt she had worked up enough nerve to continue diplomacy with the foreign being, when all of a sudden, he stated “I should get you back to your owner.”

And that was when Rarity lost all composure. OH GODS  HE WANTS TO SELL ME AS AN EXOTIC PET!!!!

She attempted to “Please don't take me away! I don't want to be somepony's pet! Please, I have a baby sister to care for! She would be lost without me!” she sobbed hysterically.

The creature reared back, eyes bugging out of it’s head, an gave a gob smacked “…WHAT.” It began holding its paws up as if it were being robbed, and stood up abruptly as it began stuttering wildly. “But, you with the- and how- talking fuzzy- in the - why what how- FFFFFF-” It promptly went cross-eyed and collapsed into a twitching heap.

Rarity looked on in confusion. What happened? I really couldn’t have beaten it…could I? I never laid a hoof upon it! She glanced about, hoping nopony noticed the scene: the last thing her poor nerves needed was an inquisition.

With no small difficulty, she precariously levitated the unconscious alien inside the boutique, laying him to rest upon the couch, where her plight was hers, and hers alone. She looked over the unconscious creature briefly, trotting in place and glancing about whilst making small, panicked and uncertain noises, before dashing out the door, letting out a pained, distraught wail, “TWI- HIIIIILIIIIGHT!!!!!”

Fate, Grand Designs and other such nonsense

{Will now display locations}

I awoke to find myself laying on a luxurious sofa-no idea how I got there-, surrounded by classy digs and dresses hanging from the walls. And on mannequins.

Horse-shaped mannequins.

And suddenly I was standing bolt upright, my last few minutes of consciousness rattling back into my head. Well, THAT can’t be right. So I dismissed it as hallucination.

I walked tentatively over to the doorway and looked around; in the distance, I could see thatched roof cottages, and some larger structures overlooking them. I decided that if there were… humans… in this place, they must be in that direction. God almighty, I hope there are.

I stuck to the bushes and trees as best I could (even though I saw neither hide nor hair of… anything) and eventually came upon… a schoolhouse? Great… fat lot of help a bunch of kids would be. But I paused in my leafy camouflage, seeing not human children exiting the school, but MORE FACACTA PONIES! Are there no people here?! Oh, god… this is a thousand times worse than bigots…I’m stuck on AN ALIEN PLANET! There goes my constitutional rights! I’m probably going to end up in some laboratory somewhere and- are those three wearing capes?!

My internal invective was interrupted by three of the smaller ponies screaming something about crusaders and rushing off down the block. I couldn’t see any other ponies in the street, nor any better options, so I followed them, sticking to the shadows and hedges, trying to figure out if there was some way I could possibly introduce myself to the locals without a repeat of this morning’s spectacular fail.

And now that I’ve written it down, that sounded a lot more diabolical than I intended it to be. Fuck. Whatever. I found them playing perilously close to a construction site, taking turns leaping over one another on…some kind of motorized scooter. …What. I swear, I had too knock the cobwebs out of my head; I thought I was going crazy…er.

The white one with pink and purple hair stood in front of a mud puddle, seemingly daring the orange one to leap over both, as a yellow one with an enormous bow in her red hair stood by watching. I cringed as the scooter- riding equine (Did I really just write that?) clipped the white one, dragging her into the mud. The orange ones’ scooter snagged on its cape, dragging it off into the distance while the panicked yellow one chased after her. The white one continued to flounder in the mud.

I would have thought the whole thing was hilarious, if a wheelbarrow of construction paraphernalia wasn’t about to fall on her. I swear, I don’t know where… whatever I felt and did next came from. Maybe Papi’s old stories about the Caballero from olden times had worn off on me. Maybe - and here’s a selfish thought if ever I had one- I just wanted to make a good impression so that the locals didn’t draw and quarter me. Or maybe it was because she was so goddamn cute.

I was leaping out of the bushes.

I was vaulting over bystanders.

I was halfway there.

I was looking into her horrified eyes as she scrambled to get away from me.

I was baseball sliding into the mud puddle as someone screamed.

And then, finally, I was being crushed under wood and steel.

Then… I blacked out again.

*

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, steward for the last month, sat idly on the throne whilst her husband patrolled the grounds outside. There had been reports of strange creatures sighted in the outland farms, but no actual incidents… aristocrats jockeying for favor with the temporary regent, and Aunty Tia just sent a letter extending her vacation for another two weeks.

How could Celly stand it? No wonder Woony had gone nuts. No wonder Discord wanted anarchy. No wonder Chrysalis wanted to wrap everypony up in big, soundproof bubbles so they would SHUT THE BUCK UP. She had a throbbing headache and her back was cramped from sitting regally in one position for hours. This was the most boring-

*BOOM*

THE SENTINEL IS COME.

Cadence shouted in the middle of the nearly-empty audience chamber, rearing up on her hind legs. The Royal Advisor turned towards her, interrupting his conversation with Captain Aquilinus. “Majesty? What ails you?”

“Wha- I- …you didn’t hear that just now?” she said breathlessly, looking around. Her heart was aflutter, and sweat beaded on her brow.

Advisor Puddinghead XIX gave her a worried look. “Um…Majesty, I did not hear a thing…art thou feeling ill? ‘Tis been a long day for us all, mayhaps we should close chambers early?”

“I…” Everypony was staring at her. She considered the ramifications for a moment, before it was decided for her.

IT BECKONS YE.

There was that migraine again, too. “Yes. I fear something is amiss. I must…uh…convene! Yes, that’s the word, convene with the detail regarding the security of the outer settlements. We are hereby adjourned.” Cadence quickly trotted out of the hall. As the doors closed behind her, she let out a sigh of relief. Well, at least I’m out of that stuffy room. Thanks, sudden schizophrenia.

IT BECKONS YE.

She reeled as the voice urged her onward, south and down the mountain. Gosh…pushy, aren’tcha? She sped up, hurrying to the Barracks to meet her husband, just as he was returning from patrol.

“Honey? Is something wrong?” a voice from behind her asked. She turned around to see Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard…and her husband of two years. “You look… exhausted.” He gave her a passionate kiss as they sat down in the hallway outside the Barracks. She leaned against him, listening to his heartbeat.

“I don’t know how my family does it. Listening to power plays all day, hearing the tiniest of squabbles blown up into giant feuds. And if that wasn’t the hardest part, now I’ve got this booming, telepathic voice screaming at me every five minutes.”

“…I’m sorry, what was that last one?” Shining said with no small amount of apprehension in his voice.

Cadence sat up and rubbed her temple. “Alicorns, especially ones governing emotions, have a sort of limited telepathy. Usually, only other alicorns in distress, or a being just as powerful, can contact us that way. But whatever this… thing is… it’s pulling me towards Ponyville.”

Shining Armor listened understandingly, but at the final word, he leapt to his feet, startling his wife. “We should go there, then. I’ve spent too much time away from Twily, and we haven’t seen her since the wedding. She probably misses us like crazy, too.”

“I think that would be perfect. I’ve never even seen her house! And I can get to know her friends better, too!” Cadence secretly hoped for another excuse to do a silly dance with Pinkie.

Shining looked pensive for a moment, tapping his chin with his hoof. “But what about Canterlot? We shouldn’t just leave the place without a ruler and head of the guard.”

“I think Puddinghead and Aquila can hold down the fort till we get back. We’ll just tell them that we’re checking out the reports of strange monsters by the Outlands and-”

IT BECKONS YE.

“OW. Okay! Fine! Enough already.” Shining gave her a strange look. “Whatever we’re going to do, let’s do it fast before my head explodes.”

The couple agreed to meet at the train station in fifteen minutes. If they felt the need for an extended stay in Ponyville, they would send for their luggage later. And if Shining wasn’t there in twenty minutes after Cadence arrived, she would go on ahead without him, try to solve this conundrum as quick as possible, for the princess’ sake.

Another three booming reminders and a rushed explanation to Puddinghead later, and Cadence was standing outside the Canterlot Station. Passers-by waved at her, knowing she preferred informality outside the castle; very much so. Luckily, she didn’t have long to wait; Shining hurried down to her side, no longer wearing his lavender Specialist armor.

“Y’know, Shining…I think the closer we get to Ponyville, the quieter the voice gets.” Cadence mused. “Less insistent, too. I think as long as we’re aiming to GET there, whatever it is, is satisfied.”

Shining sighed as they boarded the train. “That’s a relief,” he whispered. "For a minute, I thought those headaches were gonna knock you right on your hot, little flank.”

She gave him a devious smile. “Why Captain Armor,” she whispered back, “Such language in the presence of royalty! I may have to throw you in the dungeon when we return…”

“Oh, my… is milady going to…punish me?” he said suavely. Both of them shared a naughty giggle as they stole away to the private car.

*

Rarity galloped through the city streets, sobbing hysterically; finally, she reached the home of Twilight Sparkle. “Twilight! Twilight! HelphelpHELP!!!” she squeaked as she threw open the door, sending poor Spike flying. “THERE’S A THING… IN THE PLACE…AND DOGS AND SELLING ME AND NOOHOHOHOHOOOO!!!!” she wailed, stamping her hooves.

Twilight Sparkle looked over the banister at her freaked-out friend, and swiftly teleported down. “Rarity, RARITY! Calm down! I can’t understand you!”

Rarity’s head was buzzing, but she took a few breaths and calmly (For Rarity, anyway) reported her crisis to the librarian. “This morning, I went looking for Opal- to give her a bath- and sitting outside the Boutique was… was some kind of monster! It was tall as Celestia, had fur only on its head, ragged clothes, walked on two legs and had ICKY SQUISHY GRABBY SPINDLEY PAWS!!! The fiend grabbed me all over and then said he would take me to my owner! Don’t you understand? IT WANTED TO SELL ME LIKE A PET!!!”

Twilight was horrified, putting her hooves to her mouth with a gasp. Barely thinking, she said “S-Spike. When the Crusaders get here, tell them there is an emergency, and keep them inside. Some monster has come trying to enslave ponies. Write to Cadence, tell her what’s going on. If the crusaders try to leave, tell them that would only worry Rarity, Applejack and Scootaloo’s parents. I’m only investigating. If you have to use force, do so… but KEEP THEM HERE. I’ll try to be back in an hour or so. If I’m not, gather the Elements and alert Celestia.”

Spike sat up groggily, rubbing his head. “Ugh…what? Argh…fine…” he muttered before flopping back down.

Twilight turned to Rarity with a fierce, yet tentative look on her face and uttered two words. “Show me.”

*

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DAREDEVILS!” three fillies in capes shouted to the heavens, much to the chagrin of their schoolteacher (and everypony in earshot). They galloped around the corner, where the new gym was being built, and Applebloom and Sweetie Belle began hopping up and down in place as Scootaloo donned her helmet.

“Oh, boy! What’re we gonna jump over first?” Applebloom asked excitedly. “Gallopin’ Gargoyle Gorge? Ooh! Ooh! How about Froggy Bottom Bog?!”

Scoots looked apprehensive for a moment. “Uh, how about we try jumping over something smaller first…” She couldn’t believe the words were coming out of her mouth, but then again…she wasn’t suicidal. “How about…each other!”

Her friends stopped bouncing. “Uh… wanna run that by me again?” the farm filly asked.

“I… don’t think Rarity would like that. I mean, we get into enough danger wandering outside Ponyville. Our sisters would freak if we started getting ourselves hurt inside town, too.” Sweetie added.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes in disdain. I think they would get freaked out just as much either way. “C’mon! I’m awesome on my scooter, maybe you girls could be too! Or you could probably be good at skateboards, or roller-skates, or something! Or maybe I’ll be as famous as Rainbow Dash someday, and you guys will be my awesome stunt team!”

They shot each other a flat look before turning it on Scoots. She grinned sheepishly. “Eh…heh. Or… not…”

“I’ll go first…” Applebloom sighed. She laid down on the ground, hooves over her head, as Scootaloo proceeded to rev up her scooter’s motor. The orange Pegasus gained quite a bit of air leaping over her friend, and thus it was the farmer’s turn to try. Over Sweetie’s head she sailed, spinning out and tumbling as she landed. Unharmed, she giggled and rolled back and forth, trying to get back to her feet. Meanwhile, Sweetie leapt over her, and so the game continued. After a few rounds doing flips and spins, the girls were feeling pretty winded.

“Ah think we should take a break… maybe come back later?” the earth pony panted.

Sweetie Belle stomped her hooves. “Just one more round, okay? I feel like we’re really close to getting our Cutie Marks!”

The Pegasus sighed. “Fine. We each jump one more time, then lunch. By my count, it’s my turn to jump over you.”

“OOH! OOH! I’ve got an idea!” Sweetie Belle ran over to an enormous mud puddle. “Jump this too! If this doesn’t get us some kind of scooter Cutie Mark, I don’t know what will.”

“Good thinkin’!” Scootaloo adjusted her helmet and- tongue sticking out the side of her mouth for dramatic effect-, proceeded to jump over Sweetie Belle, tiny wings buzzing. And snagged her cape, yanking Sweetie Belle neck-first into the cloying mud.

The scooter was free of Sweetie’s cape, instead hooking on Scootaloo’s, and dragging her off into the bushes. Applebloom hollered “I’m comin’, Scoots!” and followed after her, while the little unicorn slipped and slid, failing to find purchase in the slick mud.

Coughing and spitting, both from the mud in her mouth and the impromptu choking, she wiped her eyes clean to see… a monster as big as the princess charging straight for her. She screamed at the top of her lungs and threw her hooves over her head.

*

Rarity and Twilight turned the corner just in time to see the horrible beast from this morning pounce upon Sweetie Belle, just before a wheelbarrow full of wooden planks and other construction material slammed into them from two stories up. Rarity’s panic turned to dread as she let out a heart-wrenching shriek: “SWEEEETIEEEE!!!!”

Reunions and Revelations

“Sweetie… Sweetie say something!” Rarity plead as she, Twilight and Big Macintosh (who fortuitously was passing by on his way to Fluttershy’s) struggled to dig them out. “Oh, if that ruffian has harmed you, I will destroy him!”

Sweetie called out “I-I’m alright! Th-the monster was the only one that got hit! I…I think it saved me!”

As Rarity pulled a blue tarp off of them, she finally got a look at the damage; it was gruesome. Shards of glass stuck out of one shoulder, blood covered his body, and his right arm was dislocated. Thankfully, he wasn’t conscious to feel any of this. He was propped up on his hands and knees, sheltering a shaken Sweetie Belle; Twilight carefully rolled him onto his uninjured shoulder to get a better look at him.

The creature was about six feet tall, and was wearing a dirty, tattered grey shirt and torn… leg covers of some kind. They looked similar to Pinkie Pie’s weird workout clothes, but longer. It had five clawless digits on each foreleg- which were shorter than its hind legs- and a manticore-like mane on its head, yet only a fine layer of hairs on the rest of its visible body.

“We have to get… whatever this thing is some kind of medical treatment!” Twilight announced.

Rarity looked shocked at the very idea. “This thing wanted to abscond with both myself and Sweetie, and you want to help it?!”

Twilight glared at the uncharacteristically heartless fashionista and replied “I don’t think that’s exactly what it wants… and I’ve never heard of slavers trying to save a single victim at the cost of their own life. Not to mention, a filly getting injured would have been a good distraction while he picked off bystanders.

“I don’t think he means us any harm, and at the very least, we need him alive to question. There is nothing, and I mean nothing in any book I’ve ever read describing a creature such as this. The princesses need to know about it.”

Rarity looked with great trepidation from Twilight to the creature, then to her sister, before finally facing the librarian. “…All right. I… will help you, Twilight.”

As they levitated the beast into the air, Sweetie Belle had a very good question to ask. “Do we take it to the doctor, or the vet?”

The two mares looked at each other briefly before saying, in unison, “Not Fluttershy.” Rarity, Twilight, Sweetie Belle and Big Macintosh then galloped off at top speed for the hospital.

Augh…wha- PAIN OH GOD PAIN…why no more pain? Not that I’m complaining. Oof…who’s talking? Eyes. Open. Open eyes. Open- There we go! Finally. Huh. A wall. Can’t turn over. Fine. Eyes close. Close. Clo- okay. Sleepy time.

*

“Well, I’ve removed the glass which, by no small miracle, missed the major arteries and organs. The bleeding has stopped, and the only further injuries it has sustained are minor contusions on its back, a dislocated shoulder that, with the aid of a scan spell and the other arm as a template, we managed to put back into place. The anesthesia spells are holding up, and the patient seems to be drifting in and out of consciousness. We expect it to be lucid by the end of the week.” the doctor summed up for the assembled ponies.

Twilight was hanging on every word, searching her vast inner repository of knowledge, attempting to discern any possible way to further aid or hasten his recovery. Rainbow Dash sat only a few feet from the bed the monster was laying on, guarding it like it would suddenly sprout extra legs and attack them. Fluttershy sat next to Big Mac in the corner furthest from it, glancing up from the biology book she had requested from Twilight for the occasion; it was open to monkeys, as that seemed to be closest to what they were facing. Applejack was eating a salad; she’d had to work through dinner, and with the cafeteria full of paparazzi, there was simply nowhere else to hold a meal…and regardless, she wasn’t going to miss this for the world. Pinkie was cheering up some sick foals down the hall, and Rarity, understandably, refused to enter the room.

Five of the six mares were wearing large, golden necklaces set with stones representing their Cutie Marks; the Elements of Harmony. Twilight Sparkle’s Big Crown Thingy sat upon the table next to her, just in case. “But doctor…what is it?

The doctor paused and considered his patient for a few moments. He then turned back to Twilight and gave a noncommittal shrug before exiting. Twilight threw her hooves up and gave a frustrated groan. Six days is too long to wait to learn about this creature! I have to know now!

She sauntered over to Fluttershy and Big Mac, and asked “Any headway? Do we have any clue what this is? I’d really like a better answer than ‘thing I haven’t seen before’ for-” she was abruptly cut off by the door swinging open.

“TWILY!!” her brother shouted, running over to her and scooping her up into a big hug. Fluttershy smiled gently as the siblings shared a heartfelt moment, a long time coming. “I can’t believe it’s been two years already! I missed you so much! I…um…what in the name of Celestia is that?!” Shining breathed, pointing slowly at the bedridden creature.

“We…have no clue.” Twilight responded, defeated. “Rarity thinks it’s some kind of Diamond Dog offshoot, but Fluttershy seems to think it’s a monkey of some-

“Um…ape…” the timid Pegasus interjected.

Twilight paused and said “Um, pardon?” The yellow Pegasus shrank away from her studious friend.

“S-sorry… but, um… m-monkeys have t-tails.” she finished, barely above a whisper.

“Ape, then. Some kind of ape. Obviously intelligent, since it apparently spoke to Rarity, and then saved her sister. Bipedal, clothes wearing, probably sees ponies as exotic animals, but has- had no idea that we could talk, which means that it probably comes from the furthest reaches of Maredagascar. Zecora’s on her way to examine it, since she spent most of her child hood in Zebrafrica, where apes are indigenous.”

“Well, I think maybe I should have a look at it, too.” a sweet voice from the hallway chimed. Cadence walked inside, smiling at Twilight, who immediately bowed to the pretty pink princess. Shining rolled his eyes at his always-so-proper sister. A serious look graced her visage, as she said “Twilight… I’m going to give you a direct order as acting regent.”

Twilight looked up from her prostration. “Yes, Your Majesty?”

Cadence briefly closed her eyes, and- letting out a soft sigh- said “Two direct orders, then. First, never call me Your Majesty, or anything along those lines, and second-” a smile crossed her face, “Never bow to your sister in law.” The alicorn then swept the librarian up into a great hug.

Everypony in the room smiled at the arrival of their favorite princess, and her ‘Joe Anypony’ charm. A rather off-the-wall question occurred to Rainbow Dash. “Say, Twi… doesn’t this make you, like, a duchess or something?”

Twilight and Cadence rolled their eyes and giggled. “Okay… let’s see this…monkey…thing…holy hay bales, that guy is big.” Cadence’s voice trailed off as she slowly gazed at the bedridden monster, stretched across two beds laid end to end. Well, a bed and a half, really. It wasn’t that huge. “What is it-”

“WE DON’T KNOW.” everypony monotoned in unison.

“Okay, okay…sorry I asked.” she said sheepishly. “…Say, it didn’t seem to have any…um… telepathy, did it?” she asked cautiously. Everypony (except Shining) exchanged curious looks with each other. “I didn’t think so. Nothing’s ever easy. Hmm… did it have any weapons, or such? I want to make sure it‘s not a threat.”

Again, glances all around, worried this time, and Rainbow Dash responding “We uh…didn’t think to check…heh.”

Cadence rolled her eyes and moved next to the creature. “I’m the strongest here, I guess I’ll do it.” Shining Armor opened his mouth hesitantly, then realized that she- truthfully- was the current protector of the realm, and promptly closed it. Nothing, however could stop him from worrying.

Cadence began levitating items, one by one, out of the creatures pockets. First was a ring of rusted skeleton keys, thirty in all. Next was a small, flat, squarish device made out of plastic; it had buttons covered in symbols and a black square on the front, with a few holes on one side. A pair of strings ran from a small hole on the side, ending in a mushroom-like tip. The letters iPhone were written on the back…maybe some kind of code, or something? she thought.

The princess poked the circle experimentally, and the black square lit up. A list of names appeared, and Cadence heard… music! Coming out of the strings, of all places! She put them to her ears, and listened for a bit, but seeing as the singer was making references that were meaningless to her, she simply began fiddling with the circle again.

In her experimentation, she accidentally disconnected the strings from the music box. The sound began playing loudly, causing everyone in the room to jump.

As Cadence turned the device over, trying to find a way to deactivate it, Shining Armor dragged his little sister out of the hospital, past dancing  patients and doctors, jamming to the music that the royal guard simply couldn’t stomach.

He didn’t stop until they were out of earshot of the hospital. “Okay, that was painful. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as a weapon.” Twilight laughed hysterically, half at the horrified look on her brother’s face, and half at the comment he made on the foreigner’s… eclectic tastes. Her brother watched her for a second, irritated and embarrassed looks crossing his face. “Alright! Alright! I get it, already…I need better taste- some taste- in music.”

Twilight slowly composed her self, and after a brief moment later, gave her brother a kiss on the cheek, and another hug for good measure. “Come on, I’ll show you my house… I’m sure with Cadence at the hospital, that… thing isn’t going anywhere soon.”

*

Cadence held the small, cylindrical object in her hooves, turning it over, and watching it gleam in the stark fluorescent lights. It had a pair of flat, metal protrusions were situated at one end, and a rectangular slit between them. She couldn’t pick it up with her magic, a fact that meant only one thing: her examination had bore fruit.

What she held in her hands was, first and foremost, used as a weapon.

But how? This little tube couldn’t hurt somepony, even if you chucked it at them. And what was in that little slot? Was this thing some kind of wand? She noticed a tiny bolt on one side: it seemed to be, in actuality, a button. Seeing no other recourse, she pressed it.

A short blade shot out, cutting Cadence’s leg and drawing blood. She dropped it in pain and surprise, the bloody knife cutting into the creature’s arm. What happened next reverberated throughout the entire world, and even reached deep into Tartarus. Simultaneously, every living and close-to-death organism in the animal kingdom on the planet had their hearts stopped for one second. There were no infarctions, no aneurysms. After that one second, every living, close-to-death and seconds-dead organism in the animal kingdom was revived, with enough healing energy to last twenty-four hours.

Death would be lost in Equestria this day.

*

The creature in the hospital bed began glowing, neon pink- the same color as Shining and Cadence’s Element of Love spell, the Seventh Element of Harmony. Cadence and Shining Armor likewise began glowing, and all three began levitating in the air.

THE BLOOD JOIN’D, THE PACT SEAL’D, THE COVENANT REBORN. FIND THE SENTINEL’S KIT AND KIN.

The voice boomed throughout Ponyville, shaking shingles from roofs, and scaring ponies left and right. Shining, Cadence and the being unceremoniously flopped onto the ground in their respective locations. Twilight blanched for a moment, looking around fearfully, then ran to her brother’s side.

“Shining? SHINING! Wake up! Oh goddesses, please wake up!” she sobbed frantically. The Royal Guard stirred underneath her hooves, mumbling, and sitting upright.

“Wha…what just happened? Somepony say somethin’ to me?” he groaned, rubbing his head.

Twilight threw her forelegs around him, squeezing tight. “Oh my GODDESS, that scared the hay out of me! Why did your love spell activate? And even without Cadence! And why did I feel like the world was just caving in on me? And what was that voice-”

“TWILIGHT!” her brother shouted, snapping her out of her tirade, “Calm yourself! We’ll figure it out!  Let’s just get back to the hospital and check on the others… and that…thing.” Shining Armor got to his hooves, wobbling a little bit, and then ran back towards Ponyville General, his sister in hot pursuit.

Wake Up Call

“WHAT THE HOLY FLYING FEATHER WAS THAT?!?” Rainbow Dash screamed after an interminable amount of time, almost out of her mind with fear. Applejack, however, quickly composed herself, and wrapped a hoof around Rainbow’s shoulders to steady her.

“Easy there, sugarcube, don’t be losin’ yer nerve now.  I’m…I’m sure there’s some e-explanation fer that there uh…fancy light show… right, yer majesty? …yer…majesty?” Applejack turned to look at the alicorn, but was shocked to see her lying on the floor, unmoving. “PRINCESS!!!”

Applejack immediately roused the dazed noble, pulling her to her hooves, and brushing the hair from her eyes. “What in Tartarus? How’d I get on the floor?” Everypony in the room pointed at the bedridden creature. Cadence walked slowly over to it to investigate.

The many bruises that purpled the being’s hide before were completely gone. There were no more cuts, or any sign whatsoever that he was ever injured, save for a lightly glowing scar on the back of his wrist, where the blood pact had formed.

“DOCTOR! GET IN HERE, QUICK!” Cadence shouted, almost slipping into her Royal Canterlot Voice as she did so. The unicorn doctor rushed in, skidding to a halt next to the bed.

“What? What happened?…How did this happen? *sigh*…your majesty, I must check the patient’s condition; please give me a moment.”

Shining and Twilight chose that moment to come stampeding into the room, shouting and panicking. Cadence picked them both up, holding them upside down to get their attention. “Please stop shouting in the hospital.” she hissed. “Why are you two running around like your tails are on fire?”

“Shining started levitating into the air, the love spell used on the changelings discharged WITHOUT YOU, and then he was knocked unconscious! And… it felt like…felt like…”

Words failed the little librarian, leaving her brother to finish. “Like when I got my cutie mark. Or when Twily was born, or when I first met you, or finally said ‘I Do’ to you. Same feeling.”

The princess smiled softly. “I think I felt the same thing. It was coming from our guest here. And…somewhere else, I think.” She turned back towards the bedridden visitor, being poked and prodded anew by the good doctor. “I think there’s more to this stranger than meets the eye.”

The doctor finished his examinations, and turned back to the group. “Well, he’s in tip-top condition. I daresay he may be walking out of here tonight, Celestia willing.”

Shining nodded sharply plopped down on the floor. “And I’ll be here when it does.”

Twilight’s face fell when she heard her B.B.B.F.F. launching himself into his work again.

Cadence gave him a sad look. “Honey, I already told you. I’ll be here if it does wake up.”

Shining stubbornly shook his head and stomped a hoof. “I left for a minute, and nearly exploded. Not gonna happen again.”

Cadence’s sad look turned withering instead. “Shining, there’s nothing you could have done, there was nothing I could have done, there was nothing the Elements could have done, and if it happens again, we still can’t do anything. So go spend some time with your sister and RELAX.”

The emphasis- and venom- she put into each syllable of the last word slightly frightened her husband, who eagerly complied with her wishes. “…Hey, Twily, how’s about you show me where you’re living nowadays?”

The purple unicorn giggled, her fears and pessimistic fantasies slowly beginning to melt away at the prospect of finally catching up with her brother. The two unicorn siblings slowly (and somewhat grudgingly) departed the hospital. Whatever pressing or alarming questions they had about the stranger, they would soon get straight from the source.

Cadence also turned to the now-assembled remaining elements of harmony. “Something tells me that this creature is not a threat. That it is more…frightened, and probably culture-shocked, than outright hostile. Here, watch.” she said, lighting up her horn. The other girls suddenly blinked in unison as a pink heart entered their vision, fading to black and breaking in half.

“What in tarnation was that?” Applejack breathed.

“That will be the signal for running to the hospital with elements blazing. Me, Twilight and Shining have had it in place since we were little. If any of us is knocked senseless, or…worse…then you should see the signal, and immediately gather together. It will point you straight to whoever’s downed. So…you should return to your regular business, and…I’ll be here.”

The girls (and Big Macintosh), with no small amount of trepidation, walked slowly out of the room. All except Rarity, who walked briskly, stiffly and almost robotically, from the room to the elevator, through the gift shop and the lobby, then finally out the doors, only to bolt like Cerberus itself was hot on her hooves.

She swiftly made her way to Sweet Apple Acres, where her sister was being watched over, alongside her two friends, by Granny Smith. “Well, howdy there, Miss Rarity! How are ya doin’ this fine day?”

Rarity quickly turned and jabbered out an answer for the elderly mare. “Oh, just marvelous, Granny Smith! Just coming to pick up Sweetie Belle, do you know where she is?”

Granny paused for a moment with a hesitant “Err, uh…” then pointed shakily towards the back of the house. Rarity nearly vanished in a puff of unicorn-shaped smoke as she sped around the corner, snatched Sweetie mid jump-rope-jump, and flew back to the Carousel Boutique, a quick spell locking shut every opening in the building as she hid inside her walk-in closet, hugging her sister and rocking back and forth.

“Wha-Rarity!!!” Sweetie Belle whined, “What are you doing?! Lemme go!” she whined as she squirmed slightly.

“NO! Just…please…I-I need you here…please…” she wept quietly, burying her face in Sweetie’s mane.

Sweetie Belle listened to her sister’s meltdown, looked around awkwardly, then repositioned herself to wrap her forelegs around Rarity. “Okay…hey, is this about the…” she trailed off.

Rarity assumed she meant the alien, and nodded into her mane. Sweetie closed her eyes and sighed, and the two unicorns spent quite a while continuing to comfort each other.

*

Finally some peace and quiet…now maybe I can hear myself think. Princess Cadence sat down at the creature’s bedside, becoming aware of the regular snoring noises. At least one of us is getting some sleep. She gazed at the larger creature in wonder, levitating a clean cloth and pitcher of water over, and starting to clean some of the dirt off of it’s face.

She lifted a hoof to brush its fur out of its face as she cleaned, and nearly jumped out of her skin when the creature, eyes still closed, reached up and grabbed her forehoof, blinking the dazed sleep out of its eyes. “W-what…hit me…truck…?” he released her hoof, letting the princess back away slowly, wings fanning open in a fearful gesture.

The creature sat up, rubbing its head and eyes, as Cadence simply stared at the being. It looked up slowly, its eyes focusing on her, then slowly widening. “Oh, damn. I thought I was dreaming.”

“I…well, you…um…are not. If I may ask…what are you? And why are you here? And where did you come from-” Cadence asked, rapid-fire.

“Whoa, whoa…who- or what- are you?” he asked, confused.

Her eyes narrowed in irritation, and she stated bluntly “The regent ruling over this kingdom. The one whose job it is to make sure new, exotic species aren’t a threat too their surroundings, and deal with them, if they are.” she left the threat hanging in the air, and crossed her hooves, waiting for a response.

The creature looked around the room, unmoving, then gulped audibly. “I…come in peace?”

*

I wonder what’s going through her head right now, I thought as I watched the…horse-thing-with-wings-and-a-horn stare at me. Her eyes had gone from ‘big and soulful’ to ‘tiny pinpricks’ at my rather cliché response.

“…You…are an alien…”

I nodded quietly. “I…assume so.”

Her eye twitched. She remained quiet for a few more seconds, then let out an ear-bending squeal, throwing her hooves to her head. “Why did my aunts have to go on vacation the ONE MONTH WE MAKE *FIRST CONTACT?!?!***”

I was now huddled as far away from her as I could. “Whoa! You don’t have to shout!”

She was pacing now, and chattering so fast I couldn’t even see her lips. I scooted to the edge of the bed and, watching her a moment longer, put my fingers in my mouth and whistled sharply.

She immediately snapped to attention. “Wha…w-what?” she whimpered.

I slowly lowered myself to the floor, sitting cross-legged, head bowed and palms upward in a gesture of supplication. She slowly approached me, removing her fancy horseshoe- thingy and putting her hoof in my hand. I gently squeezed, looking her in her eyes. “Look, to the extent of my knowledge, one moment I was standing on my planet; the next, I was walking through some kind of rift, and wound up on yours. This wasn’t planned, we weren’t aware of you beforehand, and I am literally the farthest thing from a governmental representative you can get. I don’t know if there are any other humans who made it through, and there is no conceivable way for me to return to my planet.”

I didn’t mention that it was probably destroyed. She had enough to worry about without throwing me a pity-party. “Whether either of us likes it or not, I’m here to stay. I don’t have any weird or dangerous abilities, no weapons, and I really don’t have any goals beyond food and shelter.”

I must have said something offensive, because she jumped back, flaring her wings out angrily. Are you kidding me? What did I say?! “You’re lying! I found that blade! You’ve used it to kill something, haven’t you?”

“WHOA, whoa! How did- okay, fine! When you’re living on the streets, sometimes wild, rabid animals try to kill you! And running isn’t always an option! …How would you even know something like that?”

“I have my ways…what did you mean living on the street?”

I scratched the back of my neck; I really had hoped to keep my vagrancy under wraps, but she had forced my hand. “…I’m really not proud of this, but for the last five or six years of my life, I’ve been a…drifter of sorts. My last house was in the middle of the quite-large continent, in a…territory…called Kansas. I walked over fifteen hundred miles to get to the city I was living in right before I came here. I had no money, no friends, no family. And sometimes, the only food I had was whatever vermin I could catch.”

If lying about my switchblade had almost killed peaceful relations, talking about eating rats probably nuked them. The Regent looked sickened and terrified as she ran over to a waste bin and threw up. Even though horses can’t throw up. Makes just as much sense as anything else.

“Yeah, I threw up the first few times, too. But I’d rather not starve to death, and my people are…selectively charitable. I didn’t have another food source for the longest time, and no-one was going to help me but me, so I fought and scraped and struggled to get by. I’m sorry that my desperation offends you,” I finished bitterly. Maybe guilt tripping would save me. Fingers crossed.

She just stared at me, horror (and…sadness?) still crossed her face, but she looked somewhat sympathetic. “I- *glk* I’m sorry…I didn’t know anypony lived so harsh a life…I’d never even conceptualized something so sad. Our people wouldn’t hesitate to help out anypony else, especially if they had nowhere to live.”

She looked curious for a moment, putting her hoof to her mouth. “But…if you had no money, how could you afford that music box? It looks so advanced…”

“…What, my iPhone? It was a gift from my mother, right before my…before I became homeless. I never got rid of it, even for money, because…I guess I can’t go a whole day without music. That’s also why I have a-” My eyes went wide as I came to the realization that I no longer was in possession of my acoustic guitar. “Aw, my guitar! I can’t believe I left it behind! I’ve had that since San Diego!”

“What’s a guitar?”

“It’s a musical instrument. Strings over hollow wood.”

“Oh! Like a cello! Are you a classical musician?”

I looked at her skeptically. How would you even play a cello with hooves? “Okay, first of all, a cello you saw…a guitar you pick, or pluck. Second, I’m more of a jazzman myself. You…do have jazz, right?”

She nodded, a smile crossing her face. It. Was. Adorable. “We found a large case with what looked cello-shaped, as well as some weird looking saddlebags near Carousel Boutique, so we brought them with us. Your guitar should be among them!”

I nodded once, immensely grateful. “Thank you. It was given to me by someone very important, I’m glad no-one took it.”

“…Are you really that cynical? Do you trust nopony at all?” she asked quietly.

I didn’t respond right away. Instead, I lifted my shirt up on the left side to reveal a long gash right over my heart. “This is what I got the first time I trusted someone…my seventh night on the streets. A businessman, he invited me into his house for the night, and even though I was wary, I was also starving and freezing. I got a meal, and as I was standing up, offering to do the dishes, he rammed a knife in my chest. Blade came a centimeter from my heart. He smiled as he drew it out, slowly. Not a manic, wild-eyed kind of smile, just a content, happy one. I asked him why with all the breath I could muster. And do you know what he said?”

Her face was surprisingly unreadable at this point. I decided to continue, regardless.

“He said it was because I trusted him. Because my world was not the kind of place to warrant trust. He said it as though instructing a small child, and then guided my fumbling feet to the door, all gentlemanly-like, and ‘kindly’ helped me down the steps. He waved goodbye I staggered out into the rain, then he closed his door and-presumably-went about his business as usual. Whatever that is.

“Bastard never stopped smiling. After I collapsed, a passersby  got me to a hospital, where they spent the next four months saving my life. Then they threw me back onto the street, knowing I couldn’t possibly pay them. Not only did the police never catch this guy, they never even looked. I do trust people, I’m not completely hopeless…but it takes a while.”

She stood placidly in front of the door for a moment, then said- stiltedly, I might add-, “Ex…scuse me…for…a…mo…ment…” then walked haltingly out the door and into the bathroom next to my room, and began to vomit again, loudly this time.

At least, I hope to god it’s a bathroom, or the other patients just woke up to a nasty surprise.

The dry-heaving slowly began to turn into sobbing, then all out wailing, and I awkwardly sat there and listened. Really nothing better to do, I guess. I looked out the window and noticed that it was almost nightfall.  How many days I had been here, I had no idea. But I did know that I was ravenously hungry. The pink unicorn-Pegasus hybrid returned, eyes bloodshot and cheeks tearstained. These creatures are so empathic and sensitive…and kind of sheltered. I really need to tone it down with the drama.

“…I’m sorry. I didn’t know you would react that way. I…guess my skin’s gotten thick to the point of being numb. I’ll warn you the next time something I say could be…unnerving.” she walked up to me and gazed forlornly into my eyes, then threw her forelegs around my neck.

“I don’t know if you believe me, but you’re safe now.” she sniffed. “We’ll show you that this world is worth trusting.” She let go and backed up, wiping her eyes. “I’ll start by granting you permanent sanctuary. And my sister-in-law will most likely be housing you indefinitely. She’s most likely going to want to study you, too. Nothing invasive, though.”

I nodded sharply. “I suppose it’s understandable; of course you’d wanna study the first and only alien you’ve ever seen…but turnabout is fair play, so…”

“Well, you’re in luck: she runs a library. You should find that knowledge is not something we squander here in Ponyville.”

I snorted derisively. Then I took a look at the serious look on her face, and immediately regained my composure. “Oh my god you’re serious.” I said softly. I cleared my throat and tried to save face: “Um, right. Okay. So…should we get going before it gets too late? I don’t think the doctors OR the patients would think this a calming, healthy atmosphere- what with having a space alien hanging around.”

She nodded. “I think, though, that you should probably stick close to me, and don’t move around too much. Look really passive.”

I gave her a thumbs-up, then realized she probably has no idea what that meant- having no thumbs and all- and instead just resumed nodding. We walked to the elevator, and as we rode down, I came to a sudden realization.

‘Anypony’?

Introductions, Impressions and Infodumps

Wagons and carts pulled by various ponies caused quite a racket throughout most of the day, along this bustling road to Manehatten…but now, it was almost nighttime, and the only sounds to be heard now were the cicadas grating the atmosphere of sunset. Contributing in no small part to this was the sole human marching stoically alongside the princess of love.

They walked without heed to the frightened stares they were receiving from windows and doorways. Ponies slammed closed shutters and doors, emptying the streets. But one figure was hiding for reasons besides fear. The other citizens, in fact, didn’t seem to notice the squatting figure draped with mottled gray robes, although they did have the low evening light working in their favor.

“I don’t understand. He looks safe. Sane. Why can’t I see him?” a voice, coming from everywhere around the figure at once, forlornly whispered.

“It’s not that simple, child,” a second, also omnipresent voice assuaged the first. “Now is not the time for reminding Thomas of what he lost; he must find himself yet again before that. He’s only just left one world, and needs to find his legs in another. The lad doesn’t need any extra stress. Give him time, you’ll see him again.”

The lone figure watched for a few minutes more, then grudgingly limped off into the treeline, disappearing into the Everfree.

*

“So how long are you guys in Ponyville? It’s been too long since the last time we spent any time together…” Twilight asked her forlornly.

Shining looked at the ground, shuffling his hooves awkwardly. “I know, Twily, but…between this secret assignment we’ve been on, and keeping the kingdom running, we’ve just had too much on our plate to come visit. If it wasn’t for Cady’s…clairaudience, or whatever that was, we wouldn’t even have been able to come down here in the first place.”

Twilight nuzzled her brother’s shoulder. “I know, you have responsibilities; I do, too. But I still make time once in a while to visit mom and dad- who, by the way, are going to be delayed just as long as the princesses on their cruise. It shouldn’t be more than a month or so. I know you most likely won’t be able to wait on them, but I thought you should know.”

Shining bowed his head, knowing that his job would more than likely prevent him from welcoming back his parents. As if to confirm his fears, a screech rang out from the window. Shining and Twilight turned to watch Philomena, Celestia’s prized phoenix, come swooping into the library, carrying a parchment in her claws.

Shining Armor unfurled the parchment and began reading, his face falling. “…And apparently Aquilinus can’t keep Puddinghead from stepping on everyone’s hooves at the summit…which wasn‘t supposed to be held for another three days. Cady and I need to return before there’s an international incident.” It was Twilight’s turn to look melancholy, as her hopes for a family reunion were dashed.

Shining hugged her and said “No rest for the weary…” He headed for the door and shot a look over his shoulder. “I’ll try to come back soon, okay? Hopefully before mom and dad get back. Write me if something changes with the monkey, alright?”

Twilight nodded once as her big brother said goodbye and stepped out the door. The unicorn sighed and began organizing books (as Spike was away at a sleepover with Snips and Snails) and spent about half an hour taking inventory, and putting pot of herbal tea to boil, to calm her nerves after a worrying day.

She was stopped abruptly by a knock on her door. Upon answering it, she was faced with her sister-in-law and a very stressed-looking ape-thing. “OMIGOSH-HE’S-AWAKE- I mean…heh…good to see you up and about! Cadence, won’t you please come in?”

Cadence rubbed the back of her head awkwardly. “Just stay out here for now.” she said to her companion. “We’ll call you in in a moment.” Cadence stepped inside, ushering the librarian in as well. Closing the door behind her, Cadence started whispering.

“I need you to keep him here tonight, and learn anything you can about him. Please be gentle, though. He’s had a rather rough time lately…and I’m not talking about the construction accident. Try not to pry too much into his personal life, okay?”

Twilight nodded, walking to the door to let her new houseguest in. “Looks like you’ll be staying here for a while! Come on in!” The creature gathered his belongings (retrieved from behind the boutique only minutes ago), and stooped slightly to enter the library. “Gosh, you’re tall…” Twilight mumbled absentmindedly.

“Six-foot-eight.” he responded.

“Wow, you must really like your veggies!” she giggled, smiling brightly. He chuckled and returned the smile.

Cadence, however, laughed a bit louder than was necessary, and said nervously “Hey, Twilight? Have you seen my husband? I thought he’d be here.”

Twilight looked shocked. “Oh my gosh! I think he was heading back to the hospital to get you! He said something about a summit-”

“OH FAUST, THE SUMMIT!!!” she raced out the open door, heading back the way she’d came. The new houseguest closed the door behind her and put his hands behind his back placidly.

“She’ll be fine.” Twilight assured him. “So, introductions! I am Twilight Sparkle.” She held her foreleg out, and he tentatively shook her hoof. “Well, I assume you’re exhausted after the day you’ve had, so how about we have something to eat and get some rest?”

“Thomas Sovereign Cody, at your service. And actually honey, I’ve been out cold all day, so I’m kind of wired…”

She smiled brightly. “Well that makes two of us! We can stay up a while, getting to know about each other’s worlds! But, about dinner, um…I…don’t know how to cook, and I don’t know if there’s anything open nearby, so…leftovers?” she finished sheepishly.

He smiled and said “I’ll handle it. I’m a pretty good cook; just point me to the kitchen.”

She honestly looked horrified. “What? I-I can’t have a houseguest cook for me! That’s would be rude!”

He crossed his arms and looked at her questioningly. “All right, then. What are we having for leftovers?”

“Hay fries and daffodil sandwiches.”

“…Um, humans can’t digest cellulose, and daffodils are poisonous to us.”

Her face fell immediately. “Oh…I’m-I’m sorry, I didn’t even think to ask. Um…what about apples?”

“Apples are just fine.” He grabbed a couple out of a bowl of fruit and tossed one over to her. She caught it expertly with her hooves and took a bite, but almost choked as a shrill whistle cut through the air.

*

“Oh! The tea!” Twilight raced into the kitchen to take the kettle off the stove, and I turned to inspect a few books. The history books, fiction and encyclopedias, while all jumbled together, were written in English. Why not? They speak my alien language, they might as well write it.

But every so often was a strange tome covered in runes that I didn’t recognize. Removing one of the random tomes, I cracked it open and flipped through a few pages. 'Cause that's what you do the minute you wake up on an alien planet. You poke around in stuff.

It was kind of trippy; holographic letters seemed to float off the page, and it kind of hurt my head to look at for very long. I returned the book to it’s original place, and then pulled an atlas out.

After examining an unfamiliar continent for a while, I was interrupted by the sound of liquid pouring. I closed the atlas and replaced it on the shelf, turning to sit down at a table with my hostess.

“I’m sorry, I only have orange tea. I haven’t been to the market yet.” The little teacup floated off the tray, and I absently reached for it before I made the connection.

“Oh, thank y-yi-YAAAHAHA!!!” I yelped, leaping off the cushion and throwing my hands up defensively.

Twilight shrunk back, terror and confusion in her big, soulful eyes. “What!? What?!”

“W-how-f-FLOATING! HOW IS IT-THE THING-...HOW CUP FLY?! WHAT?!”

She looked, frightened and confused, from me to the teacup, then back to me, shrugging her forelegs in a disbelieving fashion. “I-It’s just a simple levitation spell!”

I stood gawking at her for moment, holding my breath, before finally mouthing the word ‘spell’. She stared back at me, looking like she was about to cry. I finally emptied my lungs in a breathless chuckle, a cautious smile spreading over my face as a new and unknown feeling welled up in me. “You have magic?” I almost hissed gleefully.

“…Y-Yes?” she replied carefully.

I put my hands to my mouth, and barely stifled a moronic giggle.

And then my motherfucking brain exploded.

“Omigawd-this-is-the-coolest-thing-that-has-ever-happened-in-the-history-of-forever-I-meet-aliens-and-they-have-MAGIC EEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEEE!” I squealed quietly, wringing my hands and bouncing up and down.

Twilight brightened immediately.

“Omigosh-I-meet-an-alien-and-he-thinks-magic-is-COOL EEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEEE!” she squee’d and started prancing around the room.

‘Cause, I mean, seriously. If you dropped a comic book geek in front of SOMEONE WITH TELEKINESIS, wouldn’t you expect him to dance a jig, too?

After some calming down and a little hugging, we sat on our cushions, facing one another. “How does it work, how does it work?!” I begged gleefully.

“I just concentrate until the mana in my body activates my horn, and picture where the object is and where I want it to go!” she said enthusiastically. For demonstration she closed her eyes for a moment; her horn started glowing with a purple light, and the tea set did as well, right before everything just floated up between us.

The china spun around slowly, dipping and bobbing and weaving a serpentine path around us, before setting back down on the tray. “…What about people? Er, ponies? Have you ever had it used on you? What does it feel like?”

She stopped smiling. “Oh, I could never do that so casually! I’ve only really done something like that to help a friend…or to shut Spike up…”

“Pardon?”

“Oh, nothing!”

“…Look, Miss Twilight, in my world?…Magic is just a myth. Same as unicorns. And winged unicorns.”

“Alicorns.”

“Whatever. Things where I come from don’t just move because you will them to. I-…I need to experience it. Please.” I begged her, staring straight into those enormous eyes.

She shifted uneasily from foot-…hoof to hoof, then finally said “…Well, if you’re sure it’s okay…”

“Twilight, it would be more than okay. It would be close to a dream come true.”

She smiled once again, and said “Hold up your hand.”

I did as she asked, and her horn lit up bright violet- then, so did my palm and fronts of my fingers. It felt like the shocking sensation you’d get from sticking a 9-volt on your tongue, in several moving points on my hand. It felt like glass, smooth and slick, but also…fuzzy? Like a peach. How can something be slick and fuzzy at the same time? Warm like an electric blanket, yet cold and clammy…a brilliant and bizarre kind of synesthesia.

I pushed one finger forward experimentally, and Twilight wrapped her energy gently around it. I slowly pivoted my hand, and she eventually faked up a mock hand of her own, lacing her own ‘fingers’ between mine. I smiled and crooked my head to look at the underside of the aura, poking at it with a finger from my free hand. It went through effortlessly, and all I could feel was my own palm against it.

“Wow…” I breathed. Twilight beamed at me, and for a few scant moments, we simply held ‘hands’ and smiled at each other.

The spell was interrupted by a knock at the door. Twilight stood up and answered the door, whilst I grabbed my cup of tea and tried my damndest to look civilized. Pinkie out, of course.

At the door was a sky-blue Pegasus with a RAINBOW-COLORED MANE (oh god, how fabulous) and an orange normal one with a Stetson on its head (hey, they have the normal ones too, neato).

They both walked merrily into the library, greeting my gracious hostess, but stopped dead in their tracks when they spotted me. I toasted them with my teacup, then resumed sipping at it. The blue one crept closer, anger and caution in her eyes. I turned to look at her for a moment, then gave a short, but polite, “Hello.”

She looked at me for second more, then returned my greeting. “…So, big guy…when’d you wake up?”

I set my tea down and replied “About an hour ago.”

She backed up slowly, giving Twilight a querying look, and said “So, what’s his deal? What is he? Why’s he here?”

Twilight looked flatly at the Pegasus and retorted “I don’t know, Rainbow Dash, we didn’t get that far.”

I involuntarily snorted with laughter. “Your name is Rainbow Dash?”

She glared at me. “What’s so funny? I bet you got a weird name, huh?”

I cautiously extended a hand in peaceful greeting. “My name is Tom.”

She smiled gleefully and chuckled as she shook my hand. “Actually, that name-*snerk*- ‘rocks’!”

The orange one glowered at her. “Rarity said: ‘We shall never speak of that again,’ sugarcube.”

I cast a quizzical look around the room. “Who?” Twilight stated that Rarity was the first pony I met in Ponyville. I asked why she wasn’t present for the introductions, Twilight hesitated.

“What? Did I scare her, or something?”

She nodded sheepishly. “A lot, actually.”

...Oops. Well, then I need to go apologize to the poor dear. I never meant to traumatize her. “I think that I should speak to her tomorrow.”

“I think that would be for the best.” Twilight replied.

We were interrupted my stomach growling loudly. In all the excitement, we had forgotten to eat anything. “Okay, Twilight, seriously? I haven’t had a home cooked meal in almost a decade, and you’ve had a hell of a day, meeting an alien and everything,” -Rainbow and the orange one looked beyond shocked- “I really would feel better if I could fix us dinner, alright?”

The cowgirl spoke up. “Y’all ain’t had some down-home cookin’ in ten years? Oh, now we all have got ta fix that!”

“And I will help.” I interjected. “Guest or not, I’d rather feel useful, and I cook when I’m antsy. It makes me feel better.”

She huffed and replied “Well, I never! What kinda hosts would we be if we had y’all toilin’ over a hot stove? We’re a progressive town, here in Ponyville. We get our stallions out of the kitchen; they can get any a’ the same jobs us mares can, same pay an’ everything! We ain’t no female shahoovinists.”

“‘Chauvinists.’” Twilight corrected.

I stared at them, completely bewildered. “...Wha? What are you talking about?”

The librarian piped up. “On Equus, female ponies have typically been the breadwinners, while stallions stayed home to work the fields and take care of children...after weaning, of course.”

“You mean…in this world, most sexism is…misandrist, instead of misogynist? That’s... different. Look, in my world, females were stereotypically kept in ‘homemaker’ type jobs. Males being in the kitchen and females being employed is progressive, at least in regards to the last century.”

“Well, then it seems we are at an impasse.” Orange stated.

Our stare-off was interrupted by the sound of Twilight’s stomach growling. “As much as I love learning about interplanetary sexual-social dimorphism, WE HAVEN’T EATEN ALL BUCKING DAY!” she yelled over-dramatically, flailing her forelegs in the air.

I sighed, and said “Let’s just do it together, all right?”

She nodded in response, and we walked back into the kitchen to reinspect the fridge. Orange started fixing a fruit salad, while I chopped peppers, onions and potatoes up to make a southwestern-style hash. The smell of peppers and onions pervaded the kitchen, and I started humming to myself. “Hoo-ee! That there smells better ’n apple fritters an’ flapjacks! What d’ya call that?”

I shrugged and told her “It’s just hash browns...? What about you, what are you called?” Not the most subtle (or polite) segue ever, but I was getting a little tired of calling her ‘Orange’ and ‘cowgirl’ in my head.

“Oh, where’s mah head at? We ain’t even been introduced, yet! Name’s Applejack! Put ‘er there, pardner.” We shook forelimbs (violently, might I add) and I repeated my name for her.

“So, Applejack...like the cereal?” Why I thought they would have the brand here, I’ll never know- but my brain doesn’t always go to the most logical place sometimes.

“Ain’t never heard of a cereal with mah name, but we make plenty a’ whiskey.”

“You have alcohol here? Oh, thank god.” She laughed loudly. Within half an hour we had made a presentable dinner for four and carried it out into the common room. We decided to hold off on research until after dinner, instead talking about ourselves and our various friends.

“Well,” Rainbow Dash boasted, “I just happen to be the most awesomest pony in all Ponyville! I spend my time performing amazing aerial acrobatics, and death-defying feats of daring-do! And one day, I’m gonna join the Wonderbolts, the greatest fliers in all Equestria!” she finished with a flourish. Behind her, Twilight and Applejack were perfectly- and silently- mimicking everything Rainbow Dash was doing and saying. It took everything I had not to choke on a piece of pineapple. She must rehearse in front of mirror every day.

They immediately stopped when she turned around, eying them suspiciously. “...Hmm...anyway, my oldest pal would be Fluttershy. She runs an axi- oxy-...Twi?”

“An auxiliary veterinary clinic and wildlife preservation center.”

“Right, that. She’s really good with animals. And then there’s Pinkie Pie. Pinkie is...really lively. And eccentric. But she lives to make ya laugh.”

I smiled. “Sounds like a friend of mine, Markus. He’s from the southeast part of a city called Yonkers- stop laughing, that’s what it’s called- a place called ‘little Italy’; never takes anything seriously, loves to agitate you one minute, act like your best friend the next. I met him in a place called San Francisco; The City by the Bay. We met in a neighborhood called The Mission, but I convinced him to move closer to the restaurant I worked at, the Firewood Cafe, in the Castro.

I was working there, waiting for my cousin- the only other friend I really had. His name is-... WAS Ronaldo Rey. We were going to meet up in Vegas, then plan our new lives in San Fran. We had to leave home af...ter-"

I froze suddenly. I had just realized that I had no idea how these ponies would react to the idea of homosexuality. I knew literally nothing about their culture, nothing about their religions... I mean, yeah, they did take in a completely unknown and somewhat terrifying  creature, giving him room and board, but this place- seemingly parallel in terms of development and language- ...how would they react in this situation? I couldn't simply find out from the subjects, either. What if these few happen to be against persecuting gays, but it also happens to be illegal? What if even mentioning the concept gets me jail time? This wasn’t America, and I had no guarantee of free speech. I wasn't going to stick my neck out based on the hopeful words of a few idealists or social rebels. No, I was going to need to go to the leader of the country, that pink one from the hospital, and- for better or worse- get the legally accepted answer, straight from the horse's mou- er, um...yeah...anyway, best not to say anything for now.

"After...he, uh... had a huge falling out with my father. My father became paranoid and violent, and chased me out of the city." They all looked horrified to hear this revelation, but I pressed on. If I didn't get this out in one go, I might lose my nerve. "So, we trekked halfway across the continent to find some friends of his, who had promised to help us. We got separated along the way, and had agreed to meet up outside the Golden Gate Hotel and Casino, then make our way to Frisco.

But... I could never find him. Those were some big cities; I could have spent the rest of my life searching either one, and even then, there was no guarantee that he had made it that far, so...I went on with my life, as best I could.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked solemnly at each other as Twilight walked over beside me, and put her hoof on my shoulder. “I’m sorry you lost your cousin. It sounds like it’s been a while since you really had a place to call home, huh?”

I smiled at her. “It was years ago. I’ve gotten past it... Let’s, uh...let’s finish the introductions, shall we?”

Twilight nodded and returned to her spot at the table, and told her story. “I am the star pupil of Princess Celestia, and- as you probably already guessed- the librarian here at Golden Oaks. I regularly send reports to her on my studies, and I also help organize several events around town.”

The introductions continued with Applejack. “Ah live at an’ help operate Sweet Apple Acres, th’ apple orchard just outside a’ town. I’ll introduce ya to ma family later.”

“SOME of her family.”Rainbow Dash interjected.

AJ rolled her eyes. “Yeah, alright. SOME a’ mah family. Anywho, y’all already Rarity: she makes clothes for when we dress up all fancy. Her sister runs around with mine, and another little friend a’ theirs, name a’ Scootaloo. They got a club called the Cutie Mark Crusaders; they get inta all kinds a’ mischief, trying ta get their Cutie Marks.”

“Their what, now?”

She pointed to- of all things- her ass. She had some kind of apple-shaped brand, or some kind of ‘tramp-stamp’.

With raised eyebrow, I cautiously asked “...You want little kids to tattoo their butts?”

Well, that was a mistake. All three looked somewhere between horrified and indignant. “YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU SMELLY JERK!” Rainbow shouted, getting right in my face. I threw my hands up defensively.

“I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!”

That, apparently, was also a mistake. They suddenly recoiled, looking at me like I was on fire. Rainbow was the first to speak: “Whoa...you think...you think we would kill you?”

“I...don’t know?” I said timidly. “Most places I’ve gone, someone’s tried!”

Silence echoed throughout the library. AJ was the first to speak. “What kinda world do y’all live in?”

I glanced back and forth between the three mares, almost hyperventilating. “I-It...it has its up-ups and downs...” I muttered lamely.

Rainbow strode up to me and poked me in the chest, stating in an authoritative tone- albeit not nearly as hostile- “‘It has its ups and downs?’ No way, dude. You aren’t gonna cop-out that easily. I want you tell me. Tell me what your world is like. I want a straight answer, bub. Who controls your weather, who takes care of the wild animals, who grows the rocks... and most importantly: who moves your sun and moon?”

I just stared at her for a few moments. Am I on drugs, or something? I glanced at Twilight and jerked my thumb towards Rainbow. “Is she for real?”

The pegasus furrowed her brow at me, and replied “Of course I’m for real! We gotta be sure you aren’t gonna try and wreck our world, or try to overthrow the princesses!”

“You mean, your world...does all that stuff? You...do all that stuff?”

Twilight just looked at Applejack and shrugged, like this was elementary stuff. “Um...yeah! Not to be rude here, but, duh.” They both just chuckled.

“Well, in my...universe, I guess-” since, y’know, screw physics- “all that stuff just happens on its own. Well, except the rock thing. That’s just silly. They get smaller, not bigger. It’s called ‘erosion’.” I tried to keep the snark out of my voice, honest.

No, really. I did.

Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes. “We know what erosion is, smart flank. What, do you live in the Everfree?”

“Well, since I’ve never heard of that place, and I’m pretty sure I already mentioned the whole ‘alien’ thing, I’m gonna have to say no.”

Rainbow started to open her big yap up to say something else, but Twilight cut her off. With an entirely appropriate hoof-to-the-mouth. “I think what Rainbow Dash is trying to say is: There is a large forest east of Ponyville, housing all manner of odd creatures. Everything within works of its own accord, unlike the rest of the world. In your world, there must be similar areas. Did you happen to live in one of them?”

I just stared. “...Twilight, I don’t know how to break this to you, but the ENTIRE world was like that. The whole thing.”

She just stared at me. Applejack cut in with “An Everfree planet?! Gosh, sugarcube... ah don’t rightly know what to make a’ that. How’d any y’all survive, just magic n’ wings?”

“...Um.”

“You... ya aren’t serious. Ya can’t be. No wings r’ magic, either?! What’d you do ta th’ monsters? Throw tomatoes at ‘em?!”

“We...built machines. Fortresses. Rallied armies. There were no ‘monsters’, nothing more ferocious than tigers. We quickly outpaced a cruel, beautiful, unforgiving and bountiful world. Soon, we didn’t have anything left to fight but each other. We climbed so high up the food chain, that we left it completely.”

“You’re carnivores?!” Dash interrupted, her wings flaring. She looked ready to beat my ass.

“Omnivores. And we didn’t start out that way! But an ice age or two with almost no other food to go around kinda drove us into it. I personally don’t care much for meat, but it beats starving to death. I’ll keep to a vegetarian diet if it bothers you, but I do need b12 from something.”

Twilight marched over and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Relax, we have other carnivores in town, like Gustave le’Grand. I have a pet owl, Rarity has a cat, and Applejack’s got a dog. We aren’t going to have a problem with what you eat. Rainbow’s just being overcautious, as usual. You eat what you need to to stay healthy.”

Rainbow glared at me and whispered “You know...I just remembered that I’ve got weather detail in the morning. See you later...especially you.” With this last quip directed at me, she flew out the window in a huff, leaving the three of us staring awkwardly at each other. Or, y’know, our feet.

Applejack was the first to break the silence. “Don’t worry none, sugarcube. Ah’m sure she’ll come around...eventually... Anywho, ah’d better git back ta th’ farm, ma chores ain’t gonna do themselves.” She hugged Twilight, then trotted out the door.

Twilight levitated the dishes into the kitchen, and I found myself following her like a lost puppy, staring at the magic aura around the plates. Once I got interested in something, it was hard to let it go. We got in the kitchen... and Twilight simply amazed me. Dishes were floating all around the room, being wiped down by airborne sponges. I ran my fingers through my hair, reveling in the mysticism of the event. “Good God... holy...wow...”

She giggled, a beautiful sound that perfectly punctuated the wonder before me. “If you get that worked up over a dish-washing charm, I can’t wait to see what you say about the vacuuming one.”

I abruptly sat down beside her, dizzy with glee, and looked her straight in the eyes. “Twilight...you are the most amazing person I have ever met in my entire life.” She smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of her head, blushing bright as the sun.

“Um...y’know, Rainbow is much cooler than me; you should have seen her at the Tornado Tourney last summer! She broke the sound barrier while passing through a thunderhead! She sent iridescent lightning bolts all over Trottingham airspace! And...y’know...I’m sure she’ll grow to like you after she gets over this whole ‘carnivore’ thing.”

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” I questioned as we returned to the common room. “She seemed to take humans eating meat as a personal offense.”

“Well...an old friend of hers showed up four years ago, and the first thing she asked was if Dash wanted to go on a hunting trip.”

I cringed. “Yeah, that...does not seem like something ponies would be interested in. At all.”

“Dash was sickened, but gave her a pass, cause her father was the kind of guy to force her to hunt for her dinner. The whole time she was here, however, she badmouthed and bullied our friends, terrorized the townsfolk, and even stole food! It all came to a head with her blowing up at a welcoming party for her, and Dash kicking her out.

But that wasn’t all...there was a pastry chef, I mentioned him earlier? Gustave le’Grand? There was a baking contest in the capital, and Gustave tried to let one of our friends lose her job when, on the train ride to Canterlot, each of the entries were half eaten! It turned out that most of the contestants were responsible, so they worked together to make just one entry with what they had left.”

“That sounds like it ended rather amicably. How would that contribute to her hating carnivores?”

“Well...after the contest, he moved into Ponyville and started his own restaurant...serving meat. He made some kind of Prench meat pasty and told her it was vegetarian.”

“Ick. Sounds like a jerk.”

“When she found out about it, she got so sick that she missed tryouts for the Wonderbolts. She kinda blames meat-eaters for losing her oldest friend, then a chance at her dreams. Please don’t bring it up around her, either. It’s really a sore spot.” We were quiet for a while, until Twilight, yawning, glanced at an old grandfather clock, her face falling. “Have we really been talking all night? It’s one in the morning!”

“Yikes... maybe I should let you get some sleep. I’ll stay up a while and browse. Still got plenty of energy, for some reason.”

She rubbed her eyes, nodded, and gave me a hug before slowly ascended the stairs. Let’s see...star charts...well, might as well figure out where the hell I am. I grabbed a few and spread them out on the desk. As I scanned the papers, an odd, errant thought entered my head.

Ponies can't eat daffodils, either!