Straight Lines and Bald Apes

by muttstuffle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 2175

Twilight Sparkle is confounded by the impossible things that happen around her, but it get's worse.

Twilight Sparkle gains interest in the impossibility that is straight lines, feeling fairly content that they cannot exist in nature, she also manages to become comfortable with the idea that it is also impossible to perform trans-universal travel, however a certain human scientist decides to prove her wrong for fun. (On Hiatus until the end of summer)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-06 00:44:01 UTC

There's a bald ape in my living room

Straight Lines and Bald Apes Chapter One:

Twilight Sparkle sat down on her library floor, staring intently at the sheet of paper in front of her.  For the past two hours she had been studying the advanced physical anomaly and improbability that is called a "straight line."  She kept the pencil floating still in front of her, preparing herself to draw one more straight line, she had drawn forty-six thus far and she was about to draw her forty-seventh in rapid succession, it had been previously believed to be impossible to draw more than forty-six straight lines within one hour and without error, she was set to correcting this.  Calmly reminding herself of her goal, she tentatively placed the pencil down onto the paper, the graphite lightly trailing against the sheet, leaving a light black streak in it's wake.

Twilight knew just as well as anypony else that it's impossible for a perfectly straight line to form in nature of it's own accord, and on a completely unrelated note, so is traveling between universes.  She finally drew the straight line, and hopped up in excitement, but stopped herself before she would shout, as she would disturb spike, it was 11:30 pm and she didn't want to wake him up.  So she picked up a book about straight lines, how improbable they are, and how there are way to many circles in nature, she carried the book up into her bedroom and began to read.  while doing this she still contemplated what would be more likely if it more possible, tran-universal travel or a straight line appearing in nature, she fell asleep after reading this for thirteen minutes, having been awake for twenty-one hours, she needed sleep badly.  Being the narrator, I must convey to you that it is not impossible for a straight line to appear in nature, nor is it impossible to perform trans-universal travel, it's just really really improbable.

Jacob Trinate is a very odd fellow, he is a human born on the planet earth in the galaxy of the milky way, a wholly and unquestionably insignificant person on a wholly and unquestionably insignificant planet.  However, Jacob is unaware of his whole and unquestionable insignificance, and that of his planet, and he is very much convinced that he has made the greatest invention in the history of inventing, which was infact already invented by a young man in the galaxy of Centara, which was then reinvented to fit in the commoner's pocket, and could be purchased for less than one-hundred Alterian dollars. Jacob Trinate was only twenty-eight years old, he was short with a slight tan, sporting thin brown hair and blue eyes. His invention prided him, from the outside it appeared to be a large cylinder with glass between all the support beams and in the center rested a small chamber, the building as a whole was about the size of the White House.  The invention itself allowed somebody to be teleported from one universe to another, he built this assuming there where other universes, he honestly didn't care, he just wanted to see what would happen if we left this one.  He however didn't plan very far, because he never made a way to get back to our universe in the event he traveled to another one without suffocating or thinking himself to death.  He walked into the small chamber in the center of his White House sized building, nobody except him, not even the technicians, knew that most of the building's size is just because of the extra generators he decided to put in it, four self-conserving nuclear generators on the outer layers of his giant machine pumped out enough power to power all of Texas, if Texas where made of nuclear powered thunderstorms and electric cars, Having turned on all four generators, he melodramatically flipped the power lever on the control panel in the small chamber and he disappeared in a bright flash of white light, leaving some gamma radiation and a small bit of smoke in his wake.

Twilight Sparkle woke up with a start, she heard a loud bang coming from downstairs in the main room of the library, she glanced over at her clock, it was 5:30 AM, who the hay would be in a library this early in the morning, it's still closed! she thought.  She decided to walk down to the library to find out what the hay was making all that noise, maybe it was Rainbow Dash up to her old antics again, she thought as she walked down the wooden steps.  What she saw surprised her into waking up completely, before her was what appeared to be a thin, pale, and mostly bald ape.  Whatever it was it was passed out on the floor, and she could not leave such a helpless creature on the floor, however it got here it needed her help, she carried it up with her magic and carried him to Fluttershy, taking note of the singe marks that surrounded him on the floor.  As she carried him she noticed that whatever he was he was intelligent, he wore clothing apparently made of cotton, and a blue rough fabric covered his legs and lower body.

Twilight knocked on Fluttershy's door, the door slowly opened by the shy pony and Twilight quickly finished the job for her, the door now swung open, producing a loud bang as it hit the fence, "sorry" Twilight said, blushing slightly in embarrassment.

"Oh my, what's that?" whispered Fluttershy, gesturing towards the bald ape in Twilight's telekinetic grip.

"I'm not sure, but it appeared in my library passed out, I think it needs your help." said Twilight, she had no idea what it was, but she knew it was hurt and she hopped Fluttershy could do something about it.

"Oh, okay, I'll see what I can do" said Fluttershy.  Being content with having helped this as of yet unknown creature, she decided to go back into the library and continue her studies on straight lines.

Jacob Trinate woke up and all he could see was, well, pastel.  Everything had a smooth almost creamy look to it and everything was so much brighter and much more colorful.  He woke up with a headache and looked around, he appeared to be in a hut of sorts, almost like a cottage, and there was unused furniture around him, with birdhouses and mouse holes along the walls.  When he woke up completely he shouted "hey is anybody home?" Jacob heard a yelp of surprise in what he assumed to be the kitchen.

"Oh, your awake" said a quiet female voice.

"Oh good I thought I was here by my...." Jacob trailed off when he looked in the kitchen doorway, there was a, well, thing standing there, it appeared to be an equine of some kind, but it had wings and it's body was yellow, with long pink hair and matching tail.  ".....self" he finished, wondering why he was talking to a pegasus.

"Do you feel okay? My friend found you passed out in the center of her library."  Said the pegasus, "What are you called, what's your name?" She asked, he tried to shake his head, maybe he was drunk again, the machine might have sent him into a coma and he's actually in a hospital bed somewhere having an enormous seizure, but than again, he built his machine to find something new, and this is definitely something new,

"My name is Jacob Trinate, but you can just call me Jacob, what's your name?"  He asked, assuming for now that pegasus and human stereotypical conversation was identical, he guessed right.

"Oh me?  My name's Fluttershy." She said in a barely audible whisper,

"what was that? I couldn't here you." He said, are they all this shy? he asked himself.

"My name's Fluttershy" she said in a voice barely louder than last time, but at least now he could make it out.

"Ah, nice to meet you Fluttershy."  He said, making sure not to startle the gentle creature.  Jacob took it upon himself to attempt to stand up, being noticed by the mice one of the mice whispered to the other "would this help in the program at all?" said one of the pair "I have no idea, it might." said the other, Jacob promptly left without taking any notice to the mice whatsoever.  "Oh, I guess he was fine...." Whispered Fluttershy as this odd man walked towards PonyVille.

       Jacob was amazed, there were all these equines of all different varieties, it seems that on whatever planet he was on these ponies where the dominant race!  They also seemed quite intelligent here, they had established buildings and shops, he also found out that they seem to come in three common varieties, Unicorns, Pegasi, and normal ponies, he found what appeared to be a house built into a tree and from closer observation it appeared to be the library he teleported into earlier today, he decided to pay it's inhabitant a visit in order to thank her for helping him and to find out more about this world, she owns a library, she must be a wealth of knowledge about many interesting things he thought.

Twilight Sparkle read her book intently, it was very interesting to learn about the topic of straight lines, there improbability in nature, and how circles were way to common in nature, then she heard a knocking on her door, and she groaned in annoyance, what could possibly be so important that it disrupt her absorption of the vast knowledge of straight lines?! she thought.  She opened the door to find the thing that was lying on her library floor not two hours ago standing right in front of her.  He did what she assumed to be a smile and walked in.  He said "hey, I just wanna say thanks for taking me to that Pegasus back there, I also wanna let you know I'm fine now, nothing to worry about."  Twilight looked at him, he was so odd, and he could talk!  She had to ask him a thing or two at the very least, because he definitely seemed like an interesting creature, an interesting creature that could not have come from another universe by means of trans-universal travel, because that's just impossible.

"No, come in, I have some questions I want to ask you." She said, "as do I" said Jacob.

"Okay first and foremost, what the hay are you and where did you come from?" inquired Twilight,

"Heh, what they hey, if I didn't know any better that almost sounds like a pun on what the hell." whispered Jacob, "What?" said Twilight, "oh nothing, anyway, I'm a human from the planet earth." Said Jacob calmly,

"Okay, earth, never heard of it." she deadpanned, "How did you get here?" she asked

"Trans-Universal travel, it's quite unfortunate that I can't go back to earth though, I quite honestly expected to suffocate in the extraverse, but apparently instead of the extraverse we have the multiverse, that's nice." Jacob said, quite content with the fact that he wasn't suffocating at the moment, that never did seem like a fun pastime to him.

"but that's impossible, even if there where multiple universes there is no way you'd be able to move fast enough to pass the universes expansion barrier!"  said Twilight, Jacob was quite satisfied at the moment, she seemed pretty smart, even for a society that doesn’t seem to have technology, this lot still found out a lot of stuff.

"Well I didn't like scientists telling me that, so I decided to find a way to pass the barrier anyway," He said flatly, "and besides, at this moment it is impossible for me to travel back, so I guess your half right."  Twilight was astonished at the moment, this is something that broke multiple rules of science because his coworkers pissed him off, it's quite a shame he probably won't be able to do the same here.

"So, how do 'humans' go about using magic?" asked Twilight,

"You can't be serious, there is no such thing as magic, and here I was beginning to think you where civilized and advanced."  Said Jacob, shocked by the childish question.

"Wait there is no such thing as magic in your world?" asked Twilight

"No, and it doesn’t exist here either."  he said,

"sure it does!" said Twilight, picking up a cup of fresh coffee from the kitchen and levitating it over to her, taking a few slow sips of the coffee to aid in waking her up she said "See?"

"whoa, okay never mind, I guess physics is also a tad different in different universes as well, I have a lot of notes to take about your world and your universe" Said Jacob,

"and I have a lot of notes to take about yours too." Said Twilight, they began to converse and take notes on eachother's universes, the advanced studies on straight lines forgotten at the moment, the book she was studying wallowed in self pity, knowing it would never truly get to become friends with the mare of it's dreams.