FireStarter

Chapters

Chapter II: Writing A Chapter Title Without Spoiling It is Hard Sometimes(Rewritten)
Chapter III: Heated (Rewritten)
Chapter IV: A Noble Encounter (Rewritten)
Chapter V: Moonflower (Rewrite In Progress)
Chapter VII: Things Get Buggy
ALT Chapter VII: The One Where It's A Valentine's Day Thing
Chapter VIII: On The Highway To Hell!
Chapter IX: I'll Never Look At Telescopes The Same Way...
Chapter X: Abdication
ALT Chapter X: "Cuddle Bug"
Chapter XI: "Are We Nearly There Yet?"
Chapter XII: Homesick
Chapter XIII: "Great Scott!"
Chapter XIV: Chronos
Chapter XV: Long Time, No See?
Chapter XVI: Anomaly
Chapter XVII: Red And Blue
Chapter XVIII: Burned Out
Chapter XIX: On The Road Again...
Chapter XX: Back At It Again
Chapter I: Embers (Rewritten)
Chapter VI: When Did My Life Become So Insane?
Chapter XVII Alt scene: Is this a...?

Chapter II: Writing A Chapter Title Without Spoiling It is Hard Sometimes(Rewritten)

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Chapter III: Heated (Rewritten)

Waking up and moving my legs was as difficult an effort as killing a Xenomorph with a feather duster, and after the momentary confusion of waking up somewhere new, I tried to get up but my muscles seemed to have stiffened up like planks of wood, every time I would try to contract the muscles in my legs, they would cause agony. This left me to waddle around like a spastic Penguin.

Twilight and Spike were chuckling in the background as I started to feel my legs again, and I gave them the evil eye. I'd like to say they shut up and started cowering in a corner, but they just laughed even harder.

Dressing myself, I realised that I still gad that shield on me, fastened to the backside of my jeans.

"Forgot about this, I should probably take it back to the palace."

'Yep, that's probably a good idea.'

Well, Well Well! Look who finally decided to say something. Where have you been?

'Dunno, where have you been?'

Why do you sound like me? Your voice was all grumbly and monster-y before.

Side effect of cohabiting your mind. Since I am weakened, Your thoughts pollute mine, if I was at my peak, your mind would have become mine the moment I entered you. That's assuming your body would survive me for longer than a second.'

Well, so~rry Mister: I'm an edgy eldritch being, but you aren't at your peak, so your stuck with me for now.

'Cool, by the way, don't mention me to anyone, unless you want to start a countrywide witch hunt.'

Will do, chief.

Twilight and Spike seemed to be getting ready as well, so once I was finished clothing myself, I opened the door and leapt down the stairs into the main reception of the inn all the way from the top, like the five year old inside everyone demands of them.

But then, out of nowhere, Twilight ~~RKO'd~~ had me in a telekinetic field. I tried waving my arms around, causing me to spin slightly in the air.

Shining Armour had decided to walk into the inn, causing Twilight to drop me and I awkwardly fell on my ass, disoriented.

"I see you two are getting along. Twilight, if your gonna start levitating him around and pinning him against the wall, shouldn't you have a few dates first?" The stallion smirked.

"BBBFF! Stop being embarrassing, you know it isn't like that! Also John, why are you on the floor?"

"You put me there." I deadpanned, giving Twilight a glare which she sheepishly avoided. Unbeknownst to Twilight, a pink alicorn- 'another? Just how many rulers does this country have?' -was trotting up behind her, "Hey Twi?" I waited for her to stop talking, "Who's that?" I tried my best to point at her.

Shining asshole immediately recognised her, "Cadence! I thought you went home yesterday," He nuzzled her. Was that like a horse version of a kiss? Weird, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Auntie Celestia said she was going to be having some trouble with the meetings today and you both know that I used to be an ambassador before the Crystal Empire appeared," how does an empire simply 'appear'? When did Luna do the horizontal tango? Does Celestia have another sister or some shit? So many questions.

"Afternoon," I struggled to greet her, which is quite a chore when your tongue is in agony whenever you talk, "You must be this Cadence person I've heard nothing about," I rasped.

At first she was shocked to see me, but that last comment amused her once she settled down, "Oh, hello um... what's your name?" Well at least she asks someone's name before their species.

Twilight answered for me, "his name is John. Cadence, Its actually really interesting how it all happened, you were here yestetday weren't you, oh and how is Flu-"

I stopped paying attention to the conversation then, choosing to look around the inn. I was rather surprised to find a Hippogriff sat down next at the bar. A pony had just taken a barrel from him at put into the backroom. Probably a supplier or something. Anyway he had a beak, claws and...oh. In the place of where wings would be were little stumps, covered in bandages showing where they were taken off.

For those who haven't watched Harry Potter, Hippogriffs are Half eagle, half pony/horse. They can also get tramp stamps like ponies as well.

To be a flying creature, then to have that taken away... that must be like losing a part of your soul right there. The Hippogriff stirred and yawned, blinking away his tiredness. He turned to me, "What in Five Talons are you?" He recoiled, well, as much as you could recoil sat on a bar stool.

"Hungry, what about you?" I remarked sarcastically.

"Eh, I'm hungry too," he said nonchalantly, "But i could go for some meat right now..." He licked his lips. Does he think I'm a herbivore?

"You know what I want though?" I asked, turning to him and baring my teeth in a grin, "Chicken breast," his eyes widened in shock, before he started laughing.

"Sorry for mistakin' ye as a Herby, lad!"

To those who do not know: a Herby is a term used by most sentient carnivores and omnivores to describe a herbivore (It literally took me two years of living here to find that out).

Wait, does he have a Scottish accent? How did Scottish accents carry over from dimensions/an absurd amount of time? The answer: no clue in all hell.

We had a conversation over the time I was stuck there, I found out his name was Flagon. We were just discussing the merits of fingers against claws against hooves until Twilight and Spike told me it was time head out into the streets of Canterlot, hopefully without any prison break chase scenes this time.

"Oi!" I turned to Flagon again, "Once they let me out, I run a pub downtown: The King's Claws. Come down sometime, an' we can talk again over a pint!" I need to note that down quick.

Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, me and the dynamic duo just walked up through Canterlot like we planned, with no problems for once.

"Halt, Creature!" ...until the guards decided to take me from them and into the castle.

They tossed a bag over my head. "Really, I've already been here, why do I need a bag over my head?"

They didn't reply.

"Why do I need a bag over my head?" I repeated as we turned a corner.

"Silence creature!" The guard barked.

"Where did you get the bag from?"

"Silence creature!" Fucking day guards.

"Are we nearly there yet?" Another corner.

"Stop!"

...Right there criminal scum, you have violated the law! Sorry, I couldn't resist. Twilight had caught up to the guards who had snagged and bagged me, "Guards, I order you to stop this instant," the sudden halt nearly through me over.

"Thank you Twilight-oww, what the hell was that for!?" One of them jabbed me in the back with a spear, "You pricks need to-" he tried to jab me again, so I took the thing away from him, Then smacked him over the head with the blunt end, "-respect-" I swung it at the other one's head, nailing him right under the helmet, "-your-" I threw the thing on the ground, leaving two concussed guards on the floor, "-betters!"

Cheers for doing one hundred percent of the work there. I felt Lavan nod. Somehow. I'm not gonna question that.

"Now, let's go see the princess," Twi just gaped.

"...you never told me you were combat trained!" PurpleSmart was lost for words, "you just beat two top quality guards like they were nothing!"

"I'm not, they're just really bad," and I also have a godlike creature who is entirely capable of taking on multiple ponies at once. Brushing some dirt off my jeans. I started walking, trying to remember where I was from the escape yesterday.

'Damn, those guards are more dickish than I remember.'

...I've been meaning to ask you something. He beckoned me to continue. How come magic is so easy?

'Its because I'm the one doing the work, all you do is use it, while I create the spell matrices and move mana around your body.'

Really? Cut that out, I want to learn myself.

'Good. It was getting tiring to say the least. I shall begin altering your body to make room for a thaumatic system. It will not hurt, as I will finalize it once you sleep.'

Spike just looked at me, silent throughout the little exchange between me and Sparky.

Twilight ended up leading the way because she practically lived in this place for eleven years, apparently. The more you know, I guess.

After a short walk, we ended up in the throne room, which I immediately pushed open, alerting absolutely everyone to my prescence. "You!" I pointed to Celestia, who just kept a straight face, "You need to spend less money on architecture and more on security, The guards here are more abrasive to other races than North Korea is to everyone else, and trained far worse than anything I've seen in any movie." I was walking through the sea of nobles that were lined up, getting some snide comments from them as I passed, and one or two of them actually muttered some agreements, apparently, "and finally, why have you been chattin' shit about moving the sun!?" Damn, she's probably a champion at poker, no emotion at all on that alabaster mug of hers.

The room was so silent you could hear a mouse shit itself.

Celestia smiled, "well," she sipped her tea, "that is the second most interesting greeting I have ever had the pleasure of receiving."

"What would it take to make it the best?" I waggled my eyebrows.

"..." She was silent for a moment before beginning to laugh like a madman. She was having a giggle fit not one foot from my face, bowling over in her throne giggling uncontrollably, a few tears dropped before she wiped them away. It wasn't THAT funny...

"Umm..." I turned back around to the now shocked and flustered nobles, a blushing Twilight, and Spike just laughing into his claws, "I think I broke your princess..." she was still laughing, struggling to breath, "It wasn't that funny! Get a hold of yourself!"

Then Luna came in, "Sister! What is all this about..." She trailed off when she saw me. She had a purple bruise on her snout where I punched her, but it wasn't nearly as noticeable as you would think.

Luna and I stared.

Celestia kept laughing like the joker on crack.

I can't think of anything to keep the rule of three.

I chose to break the silence, "Luna." She moved, I dropped into a defensive position behind Celestia, who was surprisingly warm, "You've lost Alicorn! I have the high ground!" The reference seemed rather appropriate, stood behind the white lump sat on the throne. A lightsaber would be nice though.

"I will ask thou for the second time," her eyes narrowed, "What. Art. Thou?"

I peeked out from behind the wall of white fur that was Celestia, who had finally begun to settle down, "a Human," Luna looked genuinely pissed, so I knew I was treading on thin ice.

"Who art thou?"

"John," ~~CENA!~~

"I congratulate thee," she let a competitive smirk shine through,'wait, what?' "not many have been able to put up such a challenge as thee."

"Uh, thanks? Can I just get the pardon acknowledged?" I pointed to Twilight. Both of these sisters are crazy as fuck.

As I write this, Shining Asscrack is behind me, failing at sneakily looking at what I'm writing, so Shining please fuck off, I don't have any feelings for your sister. There we go, he's leaving the room now. Aaaaand he's gone.

Back to the story. Twilight gets the contract again.

A lot of boring legal stuff happens that would take far too long to write so I'll just keep it simple: Twilight ended up only pardoning me for arson, NOT the count of royal assault.

Punishment: I get to be a servant of the crown for a month, so she basically just knighted me temporarily, but gave me fuck all in terms of perks. I had to follow any order they gave me. That means ANYTHING.

This month is going to suck major ass.

Dawn of the first day...

I woke up in a soft bed for the first time in Equestria that morning. Twi was nice enough to let me have her old room, a large cylindrical two floor library, office and bedroom all in one.

I spent that morning reading about magic, how to use it, focal points, all the basic stuff, as neither Celestia or Luna gave me orders.

Turns out the human focal point is the hands, unsurprisingly. At least thats how Minotaur spell-swords do it., I has assumed Lavan would do the same.

After an hour of research, two hours of trying different techniques, I finally did it.

A flame, a small flickering flame was licking the skin on my index finger. Sustaining itself without fuel, purely of my own power, did the flame exist.

Plasmid unlocked...Incinerate!

Ok, maybe not yet, but with a little bit of elbow grease and some wishful thinking anything is possible when it comes to magic... or something like that.

Needless to say that the fire didn't burn me, so I took my shirt off and tested putting my hand in the fireplace. No, just a light warm feeling.

I managed to light a candle from across the room before I started to feel drained, There was a light headache setting in as well. According to some of the texts, it's called 'magical over-expulsion', the name says it all.

"Odd," Luna had silently opened the door, "Have you not used magic before?" I paid her no mind, too invested in trying to light up another candle. She didn't like that, "Human, answer me!"

"Sorry 'your Highness', but that info is classified," I remarked sarcastically.

She stamped her hoof, "I will not put up with your disrespect, servant!" Maybe you should give some respect yourself, bitch.

"I'm trying to concentrate!" I threw my hands up, accidentally shooting a few embers in the air, "No. Humans don't have it normally, so I'm guessing I've been soaking it up since I've been here. Can you go now?"

"Human, my sister has requested your prescence in the throne room," she scowled. Oh, grow up, you oversized mule.

"Alright then, I picked up my shirt on the way out, putting it on as I walked through the empty corridor, I remembered the way to the throne room from here.

The two guards positioned at the door halted me crossing their spears over the door without magic. Because fuck logic we've got hooves!

"Password?" The grey one on the left droned.

"Go fuck yourself."

They refused to let me in. 'Well if they're going to be dicks about it...' I walked off to find another entrance.

I just went outside, found the window with a vine hanging from it and climbed up that.

I walked into the throne room, the nobles were nowhere to be found.

Celestia turned and raised an eyebrow at my rather odd entrance.

"You need new guards, these ones suck," she smiled.

"And you would be willing to train them, I hope?" I shook my head. Plopping down on Luna's throne to the side of her.

"No chance, mate. Why'd you call me then?" I put my hands in my pockets.

"Do you know what it means if you call somepony 'mate'?" Oh shit. I facepalmed.

"It means friend to me. Look, just get on with it Celestia, I don't want to lose more time than I have to." I need to see if I can use firebolts. Now that would be cool.

"Very well, you are to come with me to a meeting I am having with the Griffin parliament, and Minotaur council." Sounds serious. I guess I'll just fuck around the entire time.

Her horn lit up and the next thing I knew I was on my ass, in one of the many identical corridors of Canterlot castle. Did... Did she just teleport me? That was rather sudden.

Once I had gotten up, Celestia opened the door.

I was instantly bombarded with noise from the arguments of the Griffins.

"No you brown-beaked son of a-"

Ahh, politics.

"No. No. NO! Are you deaf!"

Good ol' politics.

The table which the two species were situated was rectangular, Minotaurs on the right, Griffins on the left, then one larger, more throne-like chair at the end for Sunbutt.

While Celestia was trying to silence the Griffins, a few of the Minotaurs were eyeing me curiously.

"Sup," that brought them out of their little reverie.

The light brown one closest to me spoke in a deep gruff voice "How are you here, Human?" Well these guys just got a lot more interesting. The only way I can describe Minotaurs is that they're just really buff Humans with fur, hooves on their feet, horns, a severe case of cow face and awkwardly small hands. Pretty similar to the normal mythology.

"The truth? Not a clue. I was plucked out of my time or something, got put in jail for being too cool," I lazily replied. I need some food, I haven't eaten a substantial meal since the stuff Helix got from Old Canterlot, I eyed the plates of food on the table, each species had been given a shit load of food. Meats, veg, there was even a half-eaten cake near the centre. Celestia probably ate it all, the fat ass.

"Do you have any artifacts with you? We have found many across the world, but only a few in very good condition," I shook my head, he sighed, looking downtrodden, "Ancient, you should visit the museum in Tauros, our capital, once your business is done here in Equestria, maybe you can uncover their uses?" I might do just that.

Celestia had calmed down the rabble of Griffins who had now taken their seats, the meeting started off with some boring shit about trade routes that I zoned out, instead choosing to re-light my fingertips. After the initial talk things got more interesting, one of the Griffins asked "Princess, if you don't mind me asking, what is that awful looking creature you have there?"

"Have a look in the mirror, Pigeon shit," I'm really getting tired of other species, thinking they're better than me. He took great offense to that choosing to flare his wings, one of the many ways to say 'you wanna go mate!?' In Griffin body language.

"We will be having no brawls in this meeting," Celestia calmly, but sternly interjected, "John do not antagonize the Griffin," I mumbled a few choice words under my breath that I won't record here.

"That's right, pet! Obey your master!" The Griffin tried to rile me up.

"You know, back where I'm from, we kept cats and birds as pets," I idly remarked, "maybe I should start that up again. Teach you some fucking manners, you flying rat."

"Enough, John," Celestia asserted.

I returned to my regular position, "as you wish, your Highness."

None of them said anything to me the entire meeting after that little episode.

After a good hour of political nonsense, they finally stopped, both delegations filing out of the room, leaving me and Celestia alone.

"What did you do to that Griffin?" She sounded rather curious.

"My species are predators, every other sentient species seems to notice it, my gaze seems to unnerve them, nothing else," I started rolling various joints, trying to limber them up, "why did I actually have to do this? it had nothing to do with me."

"You made an example of my entire royal guard, and my sister, Jonathon," I hate being called my full name, reminds me of when my parents would scold me for something, "I thought it a good defusal of the situation by letting them know you're under my command," clever, she could just disguise the breakout as a security inspection.

"You need me for anything else? I've got some shit I need to get done," I crossed my arms.

She sighed, "very well, I require nothing of you, you may do as you wish," I walked off without saying anything else. I haven't actually said much about Canterlot or the palace, so I'll go into more detail now. In one word, Canterlot is simply 'clean', too clean, there's no seedy part of town, no litter, no smog, and the roads practically look polished. The entire city has this uniform colour scheme, of light gray stone and gold.

I was planning on going to Flagon's place, but then a wild Luna appeared.

"John, I require thee to guard the dungeons, I have instructed my guard captain," a thestral mare flew in, "Moonflower, to escort thee to your post." Woah, Woah, Woah, when was I required to do this shit!?

"Luna. No." I started to walk away. I heard hooves behind me and only had a half second to dodge the oncoming thestral, "Luna, you know by experience that I will hit girls if I am required to do so," she rubbed the now faded bruise on her snout.

"You will come with me," she tried to pull me up with her telekinesis, thanks to my research this morning I was able to create a small burst around me, disrupting the field, "You lied," she growled.

I could see her thestral trying to creep behind me, so I decided to humor her, "about what?"

"Thou said Humans were not capable of magic, a field disruption spell takes weeks, even months to learn for most, without completely draining them of energy," have you ever tried doing something random, then after doing it without much difficulty, then found out it was hard for everyone else, that's what basically happened right there.

"I'm a fast learner," the thestral was taking ages doing whatever she was doing, "Luna, I'm not spending my night guarding a bunch of prisoners so two guards can go suck each other off in the meantime," her cheeks were on fire, they were so red. I snickered shortly.

"Thou think that this is FUNNY! Thou shalt learn to respect me and my sister! I was willing to be lenient due to the events of thine escape, but thou must learn respect!" I hate those kind of speeches, especially when the person talking is as hypocritical as she is being.

"Hypocrite! You demand respect, yet you do not respect me enough to not demand I tell you somethi-" the thestral lunged, teeth bared, hissing. I sidestepped it, slapping the mare on the ass as she passed, causing a loud smacking noise. If the thestral wasn't pissed before, she sure was now. She roared as she lunged again, tipping me over on collision, she tried to bite me!

Oh so that's how you wanna play it!?

On her next attempted chomp on my neck, I moved my head to the right, pushing her head down with my arms, exposing her neck and locking her head.

"Stop fighting, I'll let you go." she started struggling more, causing me to tighten my grip while Luna was just watching while I incapacitated her captain in front of her, after a while she settled down, panting and out of breath. I let my grip slack slowly before letting her go.

If you can hear me, cheers for that Lavan.

"Now, I'm going to go to my room, and you," I pointed at Luna. "Are not going to stop me, savvy?" She sighed before blasting me with a spell.

"Son of a..." I passed out. Again.

After Luna knocked me out, I woke up in my old house, wondering if it was all a dream.

Dressing myself, I found the same clothes I had put out for the day before I went to pony Wonderland, devoid of any burns, scratches or tears.

God I need a piss.

After opening the flood gates, I looked over to the bathroom sink, my phone set squarely in the middle of the bowl. I picked up it, an old Android, to find that it was out of charge. Odd, when I went to sleep here last I swear I plugged it in.

Back through the corridor I went, closing in on my bedroom door with each step.

I opened the door.

My room was on fire, a sizable orb of lava and rock pulsing in the centre of the fire. The orb emitted a shriek before howling its piece:

"FIRE IS YOUR BLOOD, AND DEATH IS YOUR MIND, YOU WILL KNOW NOTHING BUT RAGE!"

"RAGE!"

I woke up in a cold sweat, the shocked face of Celestia was the first thing I saw, "John, calm down, please!" I kept struggling and grunting, breathing heavily.

"Wh-What happened!?" I gasped. Celestia wrapped her wings around me.

"It seems you lost yourself. You had some form of magical awakening, similar to a foal, although I have no clue as to why."

The wallpaper and paint on the walls had burnt away showing blackened cobble walls, the floor had somehow survived, although anything remotely flammable; the carpet, the bed the dressers, were ash. Some curtains were still burning, allowing the sun to flood the room. Although, if the curtains are burning, does that mean... oh, I'm fucking NAKED! IN FRONT OF CELESTIA! She can see it! Right now! I covered myself, before Celestia magicked (I have now trademarked this verb, please do not steal) a towel from somewhere, which I promptly tied around my waist, protecting Private Johnson from any wayward gazes.

"Umm... I don't think I can pay for this," Celestia smiled before lightly chuckling.

'I assure you, that won't be a problem," I awkwardly looked around, kicking some ash off my now shoeless, sockless feet. Getting new clothes was gonna be a pain.

"Sooooo... What now?"

Author's Note

Derp.

That is all.

Chapter IV: A Noble Encounter (Rewritten)

After my second little episode from getting zapped, this time incinerating everything, Celestia had the royal tailor in for measurements. It was rather quick and boring, so I won't bother with the details.

Alone in my room, I studied some more magic and ran through possible ways to get me home, be it time travel or dimensional travel. I also considered the possibility of somehow going through a portal to somewhere else in the universe, but then remembered that the geography was a slightly distorted version of my basic knowledge of the continents. Although I could just ask the princesses if they could just spell me back to Earth. It was well into the evening now, and the moon was approaching it's zenith.

Searching for Celestia, I found Luna's captain. Ah shit, here we go again, we approached each other in the corridor, bracing myself for the oncoming bullshit.

What I didn't expect was for her to wink and smirk, she trotted past me and whipped me lightly with her tail. My brain kinda malfunctioned. Are ponies that quick to warm up to others? Fuck, if only it was that easy back home.

Wait, I'm getting off track. Seriously though, what the everloving fuck? DID SHE GET TURNED ON WHEN I SLAPPED HER AND CHOKED HER OUT!? Why couldn't she be human? I swear, these ponies...there is definitely something wrong with them. I can't really talk either, I suppose, given the literally incarnation of destruction residing inside me.

Seemed like the other night guards weren't so taken by my manliness. Any I saw around the castle were rather miffed over the whole 'punching the bitch you were sworn to protect' thing. It ranged from insults to one or two walking into me outright, something that became rather anusing when I braced myself and ended up bowling over a guard. I honestly didn't care about the guards opinions at this point, as they're the ones relegated to the life of the NPC, patrolling corridors and reciting the same six voice lines no matter where you meet them. I'm only going to be here for a month, so it doesn't matter.

"John," I swear Luna has a cloaking device, how does a horse that big get that close so easily?

"Hello, Luna. You still angry from our last scene?"

"Nay. You are irritating, but Sister seems to believe you are better than what you have shown me." She rubbed a hoof under her chin. "Maybe all fire mages are as eccentric as her... That is a horrifying concept." She discarded that train of thought, "She said that appealing to you as an equal would be much more in line while conversing."

"Yeah. Princess, I gotta ask you, but do you guys actually genuinely move the Celestial bodies? Because, if you are, I'd like to know why and how." I refrained from telling her she was full of shit since I realised that would just agitate her again.

"Of course. Discord had done many strange things during his previous reign. Celestia and I took up our mantles once we had sealed him."

"Ah. I heard about that? Wait, Twilight said something about a council of unicorns doing it previously. Is that real?"

She scoffed. "No, those were just a bunch of charlatans attempting to parade around vitriol about how Unicorns were the truly superior race. The Celestial bodies moved on their own previously."

"Yeah, I knew about that. It's crazy that Discord literally just fucked up physics that badly and everything is still alright."

"Yes, it was regretful. We asked if he would undo it after his reformation, but he said that bringing order was impossible for him. How did you know of such things, might I ask?"

"Human technology is centuries ahead of yours. Even then we've been looking up at the night sky for millennia." That peaked the interest of the princess.

"I see. Your kind long for the stars also?"

"Many of us. It's one of the most popular dreams for kids growing up, being an astronaut. Those are people who go into space, if ponies haven't made those up yet."

Her eyes widened, genuine happiness coming through in her voice. "Astounding... this is no jest, is it? I would hate for this to be a simple ruse, as not many ponies are so willing to talk of the night."

"Nope. To tell you the truth I want to go up there too. Imagine being the first person or pony to step on another planet... that feeling is something that only one person will ever get to feel." This was probably the most honest thing I've said in a while.

"Truly, such a possibility is both frightening and exhilarating. I once longed to touch my moon. A childish thing really, but ai knew that doing so would doom my subjects. Thry did not appreciate my moon in the way they did Celestia's sun." She steeped herself. "What am I saying? You do not wish to be bored with tales of my self-loathing. I shall bid you farewell, human."

"Luna, wait!" She had already teleported away, prompting an irritated groan. I was enjoying that conversation. "I should probably be off to sleep." And so I made my way back to my room, through of all of my clothes, contemplated all of the bad decisions I'd made for a while, and then nodded off.

Morning. The glare of the sun through the window momentarily left me blinded, until my eyes slightly adjusted to the harsh light.

I closed the curtains, dropping the room into darkness once more. I'll be having none of this 'rising with the sun' bullshit here, I did it enough to last a lifetime back home. Now, to the bed! I dragged my feet, crawling into the nice warm covers once again...

Then the doors swung open, "GOOD MORNING!" Celestia, sing-songed. Her overly cheery voice grating into my ears like a razor blade scraping down my urethra.

I muted my hearing, thank God that was a spell. She just broke the muting barrier with something, "Wake uuuuppp!" Celestia then threw off the covers like an absolute cunt. My sleep addled mind not processing the fact that she had a front row seat to my morning wood.

Wait. Brain rebooting...

"My, my! You weren't bluffing when you asked what it would take to make it the best greeting I'd ever recieved!"

Fuuuuuuuuuu...

"Celestia, get out!" I covered myself. I swear, sometimes she just acts like a sexually charged stepmum, straight out of a Brazzers video.

"Hush now, I've seen it all before... just get dressed and we can be on our way to breakfast!" Fucking Celestia, dammit! I launched from the bed, getting dressed quickly while making sure to cover myself from her wandering eyes.

Xenophile ponies, man. xenophile ponies...

"Breakfast is served your majesty," a hazel unicorn carefully placed down a plate of assorted vegetables and cake. Yeah, you heard me, Celestia eats cake, FOR BREAKFAST.

A Griffin servant put down a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me. After a few days of a fruit and veg only diet, bacon felt near orgasmicly good. Yes, I'm being slightly over dramatic, but you would be too if you were so fucked in the head, you thought that you were in a world of living mythology. Aren't pigs meant to be sentient here though? Probably not the same ones as these.

"John?" Celestia was trying to get my attention, trying not to look at my bacon in disgust, "today, you are to accompany me to the festivities, as a guard, of course." Eh, I was planning on going into town anyway.

"What? What kind of festivities?" I haven't heard anything about something going on in Canterlot.

"You'll see," she sipped at her tea, menacingly.

Well, that isn't ominous at all, is it?

"Fine, be like that, do I have to stay at your side the entire time?" She nodded. I sighed in response.

We just quietly ate, a few guards looking at me like I was going to slit Celestias throat with a spoon and a fork. Much to my annoyance, one such guard blocks me on the way to the toilet.

"Bugger off, mate. I need to use the loo," I literally have only one shit to give, an I'm not going to give it in the dining room, right in front of a bunch of armed guards and a princess.

"You better not be planning anything," the grey pegasus narrowed his eyes. One day I'm just going to set all the royal guards on fire.

"Of course I'm planning something," he looked shocked at that, "I'm planning on taking a dump in your mouth if you don't get out of my way," he shivered at that rather pleasant mental image before reluctantly moving aside. God these fuckign guys were annoying.

"Be nice to my guards John! You'll be working with them today," Celestia called back.

No one saw the smirk on my face as I entered the loo. I'll be nice... Very nice. Mwahaha!

-Discord, Behind Celestia. He somehow got his hand on the book... Note to Self: Discord-proof the journal. On the other hand, he did a pretty good imitation of my writing style.-

Discord put his paws over Celestia's eyes, "Guess who!?" He imitated Chrysalis' voice.

She snapped to a combative stance immediately, her chair flung aside and the table had been flipped.

"Oh, Chrysalis? She isn't here, I was just having my fun," the Draconequus took out a tape measure, before applying it to Celestia's body in various ways, "Celestia! You've gained weight! Honestly, you need to lay off the cakes, or you might get as bad as your mother," Discord knew how to push her buttons, it was practically his self imposed job for the last six millennia.

"Now why would you make such a mess Celestia!" He said in a clearly fake fatherly tone. He snapped his talons, putting the room right. And then enchanted the remaining bacon to crawl off, snorting like a pig.

"You will not talk that way about my mother!" Celestia turned on the caps lock mode that is 'the Canterlot voice'.

Ok, so we're back to Me (John) now. I went to go brush my teeth and saw Discord fly out of the room as I came back.

I walked out of the now quarantined toilet,"Who's making 'your mum' jokes?" I looked over to Q, "Hi."

"Salutations my bald baboon-like friend!" I just gave him the finger, "I assume Celestia has told you what's happening today?"

"Nope, she's being dumb, gimme the details or I tell her about the Enterprise," he threw a torrent of black envelopes at me.

"That is blackmail!" He huffed, "fine, it's the first anniversary of the day the Changelings were defeated by Cadie, Shining armour and the power of 'love', you know it's also their wedding anniversary?"He motioned quote marks with his claws. Celestia needs me to guard her: why? Probably some political crap to do with my escape. Also 'Cadie?'

"Must've been a bummer of a wedding. Where were you?" He was about to say something before Celestia butted in.

"We are late, John," she just teleported me out of the pile of postage before I could say goodbye. I landed on my ass, I'm still not used to teleported.

"So, what's first on the agenda?" I asked, still trying to get used to the new surroundings. I wanted to know why Discord had a nickname for the princess of love.

The passage we were now walking down was a far cry from the banquet hall of Canterlot castle, it looked like I was backstage to a play or something, a lot of well made props and wires tangled up in the rafters. I'm guessing she has to do a ceremony or something, she is the supposed 'Sun God' of the ponies.

We turned around and came face to face with a crowd of cheering ponies, for Celestia, not me, obviously. I noticed Luna had appeared at the same time with her guard captain, walking parallel to us. We were still in Canterlot but had teleported quite far away, a good mile or two across from the castle.

There was probably some symbolism about day and night in the little introduction spiel but I'll just skip it.

This is where the actual ceremony begins. Celestia called out to the crowds for any flying pegasi to settle down onto clouds, or for parents to hush their foals.

"Ponies of Canterlot!" I noticed Twilight, Spike and the other five elements slip onto the stage, Pinkie even ceased her bounce walk, "we are gathered here today to remember the lives of those lost in the siege of Canterlot, not just those of our own, but those of anyone, even the Changelings themselves," I wasn't expecting any remorse for the Changelings, she seems so dedicated to her ponies, "let us have a moment of silence to mourn and to remember the dead," I also didn't think that they carried over old traditions like that either.

The people of Canterlot, the ponies, the Griffins, the few Minotaurs I could see towering over others at the back. I could see a few unicorns lighting their horns with magic, a bright glow emanating from them, I copied, putting a hand up, letting little flames flicker from the tips of my fingers. This lasted for a solid three minutes, before Princess Cadence and Shining Armour came from somewhere while I wasn't watching. Celestia and Luna flared their wings, 'which I later found out that it was what they did to sign the end of the silence, not some sort of boner on their wings like I thought at the time.'

Cadence, moving forward from her position next to 'El Capitane', she gave a nice short speech about the power of friendship persevering and that 'love conquers all', you get the idea.

Once that was over the crowd dispersed, going off to enjoy the festival. Me, on the other hand? I was going to have to stick here and listen to Celestia and Luna talk.

"John?" Twilight poked me in the back of my leg to get my attention, ah, an alicorn I like being around.

"Good afternoon, Twilight." I was pulling at my rather tight fitting shirt, adorned with Celestia's rather unimaginative mark of a sun on the right breast.

"Good afternoon to you too, John! So, what was your punishment?" Her voice lost some of its enthusiasm at the mention of punishment.

"Nothing too harsh, I just have to hang around the old bats," she looked surprised then slightly angry that I was besmirching her divine leaders, "and then there's the princesses... they are such handfuls!" Twilight shook her head, smiling wryly as Spike came plodding up, "Oh yeah, Spike do you breath fire?" He nodded, before blowing a rather sizable flame. I grinned, "now hit me with it, don't worry I can pyromance!" He looked at Twilight, who nodded before blasting my hand worth green flame, "ooh, that's really nice..." I moaned as the fire flooded my body, I was struggling to keep down the hounds, "unf," Spike stopped giving me flame, looking at my hand, which was now glowing red. The pleasurable feeling slowly left, leaving me severely aroused with nowhere to let it go. I was rather pissed, to be honest, "Dude! Not. Cool. I was enjoying that!" Spike looked ready to pass out. 'Looks like that fire absorbing did a number on him.'

Then I crossed my arms, forgetting about the dragon fire I just soaked up. The immediate reaction was that my sleeve caught on fire, ruining yet another shirt. I must be setting a record here with clothing destruction. Twilight was blushing heavily, her mouth wide open.

Spike was blissfully ignorant, running off and hopping up onto Rarity, before lying down into her neck. It was kind of cute, in a way. Rarity definitely thought so, cooing at the tired body of the drake on her back.

Twilight coughed, "Umm I was wondering..." She twirled her hoof around on the ground, "You are the only human I've seen, so... um," jeez she's worse than the shy one whose name I forget, "Could you answer some questions I have about your species?" She was looking up at me with puppy dog eyes.

"Eh, sure. When are we going to do this?"

Then everything changed when the Rainbow Dash attacked, "Woah! What were YOU guys talking about!? All I heard was something about 'doing it'!" Dammit Skittles.

Twilight was stuttering heavily, failing to put together a single word of response, much to the blue pegasus' mirth.

I simply rolled my eyes, pulling the high flyer down to eye level, "Pfft, so what? Why are you making a big deal about it? For all you know I could be rutting the princesses so hard their beds break, but why do you feel the need to embarrass Twi publicly? That's her parents' job, not yours," get shut down biatch! Then she burst out laughing, what? Then I felt Celestia's spectrum hair thing graze my shoulder.

"What was that about rutting us?" Shit, Luna heard me too...

"Fuck me and my big mouth..." I facepalmed.

"Gladly," the newly named 'Molestia' was walking around me.

The feral look she had in her eyes vanished with a giggle. They were just taking the piss. Thankfully. Losing my virginity to a princess sounds hot, but I'd prefer not to cuck Lavan out with Celestia, and there is a negative chance of me fucking Luna.

The younger of the two sisters just snorted and teleported away. Tssh, Spoilsport.

"Right," I pushed the intruding Pegasus away, "so when are we going to set up the Q&A, Twi? Twilight, you there?" I snapped my fingers in front of her face, that got her attention, "you ok? you keep spacing out anytime something in the least bit sexual happens."

"Nothing!" She declared, I wasn't going to pry into her private life, I might act real experienced but I'm more virgin than... I don't know what! Make one up yourselves if you're reading this, "uh, well we could just go to my room," she turned to her fellow princess, "Princess, is it alright if I ask John some questions about... where are you from?" Her gaze shifted between Celestia and I.

"England." Land of fish, chips and nothing else too important.

"...about England?" Celestia nodded. Twilight seemed pretty bookish to me, so I couldn't wait to blow her mind with the idea of the Internet.

"Well my country is part of a collection of countries called the United Kingdom. We drink a lot and know stuff, mainly. Affection was actually banned in England during the early thirteen-hundreds and in order to succeed their father as man or woman of the house, we duel to the death on horseback." I might as well just chat shit for a while. Not like they'll ask much more about the place than that.

"Interesting. It reminds me of early Griffin civilisations." Celestia offered. "Aside from the on horseback bit. The Griffins kept to themselves, if you know what I mean."

"Nice." I smirked as the two of us left Teilight in the proverbial dust, thanks to her still bring smol and innocent.

After that I had a pleasant conversation with AppleJack, the element of honesty, unsuprisingly: she's an apple farmer! Who woulda thunk it! She was quite enthusiastic about her job, "So yer sayin' that hoomans can change what fruits act like by givin' 'em those gene things?" She was quite astonished by the revelation that you could get apples to grow faster and juicier by splicing them.

I nodded, "it's quite a popular method in better off countries like mine, you can make entirely new species with it."

Back on Earth I was always one to marvel at technology, how it changed humans back home, how it protected them, how it enabled such destruction with a single button push, how it kept us fed, and the many other things it did for us. I imagine most of this is going over your heads, unless you're human, so I'll shut my yap and continue the story.

"That's amazing! But... erm, ain't it kinda cheatin', if not everyone can do it?" I shrugged.

"You aren't alone in that point of view, but I would say that cheating is impossible when it comes to science."

She nodded, giving me an "uh huh." Of mild confusion, I imagined some of it might have been going over here head, since genetic sciences is probably a bit out of her field of expertise. There's just an awkward silence as I don't really have anything more to say to her.

Celestia swooped in and saved the day, "John, you do realise I was joking about having to stay by me the entire festival.

"Really? Sounds like you just want me to go cause some trouble."

"Possibly." She slapped me on the back with a wing. "Or maybe I can just see your obvious boredom leaking out. Go have fun."

"Sheesh, fine. You're the one who's gonna deal with the possible backlash of letting out such a handsome human unguarded on the streets of Canterlot."

"I'm sure you'll survive. You aren't that charming, you know?"

"Ouch, my pride. See ya Sunbutt." I parted the sea of various ponies in the street, noting the variety of species out and about. A few Griffins had showed up, along with some thestrals.

I wonder if that guard captain is here?

I was snapped out of my thoughts from a carriage coming through the middle of the road. The driver yelled at me. "Out of the way, yer blocking the road, ya dimwit!" I huffed at his words, moving out of the way before I smacked the side of the chariot in response.

What a dick. There's probably a pub around somewhere. Maybe that carriage is going somewhere nice. I decided to follow it, in an attempt to satisfy my curiosity. Surely it must have been carrying a reputable pony in the back.

The sight I was greeted with as I came through the doors of the establishment was rather extravagant. Marble pillars decorating the room and jewels embedded in the walls. A couple paintings of the princesses and landscapes of Canterlot and the surrounding area.

The driver from the carriage was nowhere to be seen, despite it being parked directly outside. There was a gaggle of unicorns sat at one of the central tables though, being waited on by servants.

One of the servants, a pegasus, noticed my presence, flying in front of me. "Excuse me! Sir, this restaurant has been hired out by these guests. I am going to have to ask you to leave."

"Ok! Ok! Chill. Hey, stop pushing me. I'm moving." He attempted to push me out of the establishment, my shoes making an awful squeaking noise as they slid against the smooth surface of the floor.

"Lunch Rush! Be a dear and show the stallion to his seat." A mare called, waving a pristine white hoof.

"Uh. What?" Who's the posh mare trying to get me to sit with her?

The demure mare ushered me towards her with a slightly seductive tone. "Come now, sir. Princess Celestia and Luna have been talking quite extensively with you over the last few days. The nobility has noticed your... exploits."

"Nobility? You guys aren't on some GoT stuff are you?" I asked, the two stallions at the table sizing me up.

"What is 'got'?" The mare asked.

"Nothing important." I pulled out one of the open chairs. "Why do you want to talk?"

"You certainly are straight to the point, I admire that. My name is Fleur De Lis. The two fine gentle stallions on either side of you are Prince Blueblood and Fancy Pants, respectively." I hid a smirk at the name of the second one.

Blueblood took the initiative. "How do you do?" He presented a hoof.

"Good. How are you?" If my senses were correct, he wanted me to kiss his hoof, but I settled for a firm handshake.

"I am... fine, thank you. My aunts have been rather busy with you lately."

Prince... "You're related to Celestia and Luna? I thought there was only two of them."

"Not quite. My family have been with the two of them since Canterlot's conception, they saw fit to have us instated as a sort of pseudo-royalty. I'm tasked with keeping the peace with other nations sometimes."

An ambassador. "Cool. How about you, Fancy?" Blueblood looked slightly miffed that all I had to say in response to his occupation was cool, but was mature enough not to be a dick about it.

Fleur and I keep the nobility under control. There are a fair few bad apples in Canterlot, something you'll find out, given enough time in the streets of our fine city."

Fleur cut in. "As for why we wanted to see you? You are quite the Discord of the card pack known as Canterlot."

"Excuse me, but I don't get the reference."

"The fifty-third card in the pack?" She sipped at a glass of wine.

"Oh, the Joker. That's what my people call it. Odd that we have a similar game back home."

"That was another thing we've been meaning to ask." Blueblood said. "Where do you come from? Are your people looking for you?"

"No. They can't. We don't have magic in the way ponies do, so being whisked off to some magical land filled with ponies is probably beyond the scope of any investigation into my disappearance."

"We are sorry to hear that." Blueblood continued. "Care for a drink?" Blueblood lightly shook the bottle of wine as one of the servants slid a glass onto the table. I'd nearly forgotten were there, thanks to how quiet they were.

"Sure. I was planning on getting pissed today anyway." After the waiter had poured out the drink, I gulped it down, savouring the warm feeling in my mouth. It was good stuff, but I'm no posh cunt who can tell every tiny feature of the wine apart. "Fuck. Pony alcohol is kind of weak. Not gonna lie."

"Should we tell him?" Fancy Pants looked between his two compatriots.

"No, it would probably be more amusing to watch." Fleur slinked down from her seat and over to me.

"What are you guys talking about? Oh, oh shit." I felt the alcohol take effect. "Fleur, what the fuck is in this?" She tapped me on the nose and I fell backwards...

"Hold up." I said, waking from my slumber, a note hung over my head. "Something ain't right." I blinked, grabbing the paper from my face. A light throbbing somewhere in my brain was causing me immense discomfort.

It was a clear tactical error, as once I removed it, I was assaulted with blinding sunlight. "Gahhhh. Fucking headache. What does this shitty note even say?" I narrowed my eyes, trying to focus on the small pin writing.

Hello again, Jonathan. This is from Fleur. I had you taken back to the palace, as you were in no form to continue that conversation. The princesses and your friends are aware you are here. Any and all of your belongings ahould be on your person or in a small bag that was sent to the room with you. The purpose of our meeting was to evaluate your likelyhood as a political threat, you very obviously are not, and so you will most likely not see us very often. This process is done to most ponies who end up in close proximity to the princesses.

I hope this letter has alleviated your worries.

a small emblem of the Fleur de lis was present at the bottom of the page.

"Huh. Doesn't it make it obvious that it's her if she literally puts her namesake at the bottom of the page? Whatever, not like I care."

Sighing, I contemplated the fact that I've lost count of how many times I've passed out over the last few days. Five, six? Hell, I dunno.

On further inspection, I noticed I was in Twilight's study. I could hear her humming somewhere else in her quarters. The cheerful sound slightly stinging my ears.

"Twi? You there?"

Then Twilight blessed me with the holy gift of a hangover recovery spell, I didn't know and don't care why she had a hangover spell. All I know is it gave me relief from my torture.

"Twilight?" Her horn stopped glowing, "You are the best princess..." She smiled gleefully before making a noise I can only describe as a 'squee'. I looked around, the hangover still slowly waring off, "what time is it?"

"It's ten in the morning, you were out for nearly twenty hours, John." Twenty!? New record!

"Pfft, I've had worse," she opened her mouth to respond but I cut her off, "No I've not really, it was just a joke." she closed her mouth before seating herself behind the desks I was using to study on earlier.

She sighed, looking at the scattered books all over it, filing them away automatically with her magic, "you know, I used to read these same books on this same desk, back when I was still learning about magic. It's funny, really, I lived here for so long... but it isn't the home it used to be anymore," my friendship sense is tingling.

A shortened version of what she said: "it just shows how far I've come with my friends, that they ARE my home."

I was reminded of a certain episode of The Inbetweeners and 'friendly friends'. Man that show was great back in the day.

I just spaced out, thinking about what it would be like if Twilight saw 'Twilight' the movie for no reason in particular.

"John? John! are you even listening?" Oh.

"Yes, I was. Can we do the Q&A thing we talked about earlier? I'd like to get it over and done with," she readied herself again, a quill and pile of scrolls levitating up next to her.

Something tells me I'm going to be here for a while.

I was. I gave Twilight a fairly censored version of history: not massive detail into the bad parts. She thought I was lying when I mentioned electricity, and was under the impression that magic was the only way to generate such power. Blasphemy! Apparently basic physics was no longer a thing in Equestria anymore. Probably due to the moving the 'sun and moon' bullshit the sisters had pulled on everyone.

"Those pens you have?" Thankfully I left it here when I incinerated that room, "those are as commonplace as quills?" I nodded, "How do you humans think this stuff up!? It took decades of work to create our airships, yet you can build them in minutes, one after the other!"

"We're efficient, simple as that. It doesn't help that you guys have to hoof craft this stuff instead if having it on a factory system."

She gazed over at the clock, "Eleven! It's late, I should go..." She made for the door.

"Twi, there won't be any trains till tomorrow. You should sleep here, I can take the sofa downstairs," Twilight's only been nice to me for as long as I've known her, I might as well let her stay.

"I couldn't! I should just get another in the castle then..." the look I gave her made her chuckle, then she turned back and hopped onto the bed, "fine, but you know if Shining finds out I'm in the same room as a stallion when I sleep, there'll Tartarus to pay!" I rolled my eyes, walking down the small pony size stairs, laying myself down on the sofa by the warm fire and starting to train my magic once again.

I should've realised what I started that Sunday morning, but now that I look back at it, it was horrifyingly easy to see.

Author's Note

Exams coming up, so I won't be writing for a while.

Chapter V: Moonflower (Rewrite In Progress)

When I awoke, the sun was shining right in my face from a little crack in between the velvet curtains of the tower. Not the best way to wake up, but certainly not the worst.

Scanning the room, I found a purple thing still lying asleep on the bed. She was curled up in a ball, not unlike a dog, letting off cute little snores. You know times like this are when I wish I had my phone on me.

Hope one of the other shirts are less tight, this new one clings to me like some kind of full body alien face-hugger with abandonment issues.

Opening the wardrobe, I found no shirts, but there was a book on dark magic, titled: 'How to embrace the dark arts.', written by some guy called Sombra. Sounds like an emo.

Fuck that, I ain't going to the dark side yet. I slid the book to one of the back corners of the inside.

Looks like I'm wearing the sweaty, tight shirt from yesterday, which had a rather large stain over the sun emblem.

I looked like a hobo with a fashion sense. So, with that in mind I strolled out the door...

Right into Luna's captain again, yay.

"Her majesty requests your presence," Moonflower looked completely smashed, blood shot eyes with dark rings around them, barely awake, shaking constantly.

"Hangover?" She nodded grimly, "Hold up a second, there's a cure in one of the books in here."

Five minutes later I found it, 'Partymare's Panacea', the spell was titled, took me a minute but I figured it out, and so, with a wave of my nonexistent magic wand, she was cured. She seemed to be alright after a few seconds, some of the blood retracting from her eyes, clearing her irises. She brushed up against me.

Wait, does that mean the bit in the corridor we had yesterday wasn't part of the dream? I was hoping it was.

"So, why is it Moony deemed it necessary for you to fetch me?" I queried.

"Not a clue," we turned a corner, "Thank you, for the healing spell, I mean. A lot of the unicorns are too plastered to get that spell done, leaves a lot of drunk guards, and a lot of missed patrols," we had started walking when I cast the spell, and now we were walking up a spiral staircase, the walls surrounding it were quite a sight, star maps, complete with views of nebulae, all in strikingly vibrant colour. "Also stop with the insults. I'll bite you."

"Didn't work last time." Some of those images looked an awful lot like photographs. Probably stolen from somewhere with a connection to Hubble. I wonder how far away that is right now? A lightyear? A thousand? Destroyed by an asteroid? Doesn't matter now anyway...

After a few minutes of walking, we finally reached the top. These princesses are really just taking the piss with these stairs. I opened the door, vampire horse in tow, "Luna!" I shouted into the darkness, "Oh well! She isn't here, let's go." I began to walk out.

"Human," 'awww, I thought I had gotten away with that too.' I gritted my teeth, before putting on my most hideous smile.

"Yes, Dictator Luna?" I asked through the smile.

"You are to accompany me to a weaponry demonstration, performed by the royal guard," Aww, she doesn't react to me calling her names. She's certainly matured over the last week.

"Cool. I always liked medieval weapons and stuff." Like most guys my age, I'd played a decent amount of Skyrim, Dark Souls, etcetera. I wonder if they can just scan my brain with magic to see modern weaponry. I hope not.

"Thine attitude around our guard is what makes sister so insistent that you attend," basically she wants me to get shown up by the guard, in order to make me stop being an ass.

I snorted, "Fine. I have nothing planned, so why not? It'll be funny seeing guards try and fail to perform simple combat exercises." I wouldn't put it past them to be that stupid.

She merely narrowed her eyes before teleported our little group to the training yard. A few guards jumped away, surprised by our arrival. One of them even fired off a spell into a nearby tree, setting it on fire. "Wait, I got this." I absorbed the flames, burning the long sleeves of my shirt slightly, oh well.

"Oh yeah, that feels really good. What the heck?" It tickled, kinda. I find it odd that not all fire seems to give me the same effect, dragon fire has is a rather pleasurable experience, while the kind of fire created by burning wood, or a spell, is just a light ticklish feeling. "So, are we all just gonna fuck around and stare at me, or are you going to show me something so I can get on with my day?" I shouted, bringing the guards out of their stupor.

The best they had was a semi-functioning wooden crossbow. Their swords were made of steel, which I can't really say anything interesting about, one of them DID end up knocking himself out by twirling his spear, causing me to lose my shit for a minute, causing Luna to sigh and Moonflower to explode on the dude.

"Okay I'm-" I started chuckling again, "I'm good, I'm good it's just-" I took a deep breath, wiping away some tears that had collected in my eyes, "that was the funniest shit since forever," It was perfect, the way the day guard just went rigid, then dropped to the ground with a thud. "My sides- they hurt!'" Moonflower was busy barking some sense into the dude for the majority of my laughing fit.

Collecting my composure, I turned to the Dictator in disguise, "Luna, can I go back to the tower now, I've done the little exercise."

"Captain, you are dismissed." The Princess of the Night growled irritably. I simply stuck my tongue out playfully.

She did the same, using the collar of my shirt to yank me downwards to trip me, as a final 'screw you' before leaving me and Moonflower with a flash of light.

"Ow. What a little crybaby. Got dirt on my clothes too." I pulled myself back to my feet, brushing off the brown bits on my front.

"That was oddly relaxed for her, she usually doesn't act like that."

"Yeah, well Celestia talked to her about me, so she seems to have mellowed out, we also had a pretty interesting conversation about the moon and stars yesterday, which probably helped quite a lot."

"Yeah, that'll do it. She doesn't get many chances to talk to ponies about her domain." She stretched like a cat. "I'm gonna go get undressed. My shift is over."

"Does that mean you're off-duty?" The mare smirked at that.

"Why, you gonna take me out to lunch? Take a romantic walk through the park?" She batted her eyelashes flirtatiously before dropping her sultry gaze and shoving me in the waist. Well she's certainly different when she's off the job.

"And what if I say yes?" I quipped in response, jokingly. she just shook her head.

Ignoring me, she continued. "Let's just go, I got an idea of where to eat, friend of mine runs the place," she did a little hoofpump, before following me. I just rolled my eyes at her display. "I need to go to the barracks real quick though, give me a minute."

The mare trotted off towards one side of the open court, pulling off the violet helmet on her head, revealing her lavender mane. "C'mon! Staring doesn't get us anywhere." She motioned for me to follow her with a hoof.

As we entered the inside of the palace Moonflower slipped into one of the doors to the side of the entrance, one with a Moon symbol emblazoned on it. Pushing open the door, I was blasted away, rolling a couple times before coming to a stop.

"Ow." I grumbled asMoonflower came back out, holding the door open.

"Sorry, there's an enchantment to stop civilian ponies coming in without permission. Hop through while I hold the door. " she had a wing pushing on the door, keeping it propped open.

I dusted myself off, limping through the doorway while Lavan seemed to fix me up internally. The brief agonizing pain of him performing a reduction on my dislocated arm nearly caused me to fall over again, but I braved through it.

"You alright there? You look hurt." Moonflower gave me a look of concern.

"Nah, I'm good. Trust me." I rolled my now fixed arm.

"If you say so." She shrugged. "Be careful, if anyone is gonna be doing you in, it's me."

"Oh, really." I slipped through the doorway, drawing envious looks from a couple of guards who were also undressing as the captain pushed me through. "How do you plan on that?"

"Like this." She grabbed me with a leg and and flipped me onto the floor. "I'll end up doing this again if you make the princess unhappy."

I rolled my eyes as my arms glowed. Teleporting shouldn't be that difficult. I disappeared from underneath the mare, shocking her. My position was slightly off, but I was still somewhat above her. I grabbed onto her and used my body weight to try and pin her down, she was quick and dodged, leaving me to fall onto the ground.

"Nice try. We haven't got all day, human."

"The name is John, by the way."

"I've heard. You know my name already." She parked her butt by one of the lockers. "Can you undo the clips? I'd do it myself but it'll be much easier if you do it."

"Fine." I knelt, feeling around her belly for the strap. "Got it." Her chest armour feel away, exposing her soft fluffy belly. Her fur was a dark blue, but there were blotches of lavender around her legs, tail and neck. I scratched at the chest fluff. "You know, you're very soft for a guard." She cooed inight of the attention, lying in my lap.

"What are you doing to the captain?" The group of guards were looking our way and one of them called out smirking once he noticed the captain's face. "Oh, guys, you gotta come see this."

"Wait, how are you doing that?" One asked me.

"Human technique. It's called the scritch. Completely incapacitates ponies and small animals like dogs and cats."

"It'd be nice if I had a camera..." one of the guards mumbled. "We should probably go. I dont wanna be here when the captain comes back to reality."

"Yeah." They chorused, filtering out of the barracks.

"Huh. They weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. Hey, Moonflower. Y'alright?" I stopped scratching the chest floof.

"Huh? What? What happened?"

"I gave you a belly scratch." Her ear flicked as she looked down at her chest. She noticed she was in my lap and immediately rolled off.

"Don't do that again. Especially in front of my recruits."

"Aw. You liked it though."

"Well yeah, but I was totally unable to do anything about it. I'm out of uniform now, so we should be able to get over to that place I mentioned.

"You didn't mention a place, you just said "I know a place' and nothing else."

"Did I? It's called The King's Claws."

Me and Moon were on the streets walking down to the less busy section of town.

Unlike most day guards, the thestrals under Luna's command don't have illusion enchantments in their armour, meaning they keep their original colour schemes. The guards are mainly set to light grey and white, if you didn't know, because ponies are colourist or something. Thestrals tend to be dark grey or black furred, because they're nocturnal hunters.

I know this because Twilight has a lot of books in that library. Detailed ones. With pictures. Pictures of horse dicks.

I got a couple of dirty looks from the various ponies on the street, no doubt most of them nobles more worried about my presence contaminating their evening. I almost said something to a particularly rude mare whispering something about going back to my own kind.

Almost.

Anyway, I finally got around to seeing Flagon's pub, hooray. The place was comparable to the one my father owned, it was one of the better ones around my place, always good for a drink, some food, or just somewhere to relax. The place had the same 'feel' to it, you know what I mean? Never mind.

The place was packed, mainly full of day guards, and one or two of the more working class families were littered about as well.

Some rustling came from behind the bar before a familiar face entered, "Well, look what the Human dragged in. The Nightmare herself!" The scarred Hippogriff commented from the second floor, before leaping down, for a moment I was extremely worried, but then he landed (rather gracefully, I might add) on all fours, "Haven't seen one of you outside the castle since last Nightmare Night. You ain't come to steal the pumpkin juice again have you?"

Moonflower cringed. The bat pony had already parked herself on a windowside table, grabbing a cushion to sit on, "Most of us stay around the castle, this place is far outside those bounds, also that was a couple of rowdy recruits, who got their just desserts right after." Flagon just shrugged, before hopping behind the counter.

"I'm not having anything to drink, I know I had enough yesterday." I chuckled, a few noises came from upstairs, but I just dismissed it. Flagon was searching about the different poisons, a claw pointing as he scanned it. "Do you have Coke? Shit, I mean soda. You got any of that?"

"Yeah, I'll fix you up a soda. Give me a minute. "FRESH ROUND! WHERE ARE YOU? WE HAVE CUSTOMERS!" Fresh Round? Sounds like a breath mint.

A rather sozzled Hippogriff burst from the attic, a pink mare in tow, who was brushing up against him, giggling all the while. There sure are a lot of colourful characters in Equestria. You know, it seems like a good amount of the people I've met had some form of gimmick. Might be just me though

"Oh, Hey Gramps! Didn't think you were here..." the mare teleported, leaving the half-breed to fend for himself, "umm... we may have taken some... Woah. What's this guy?" He pointed a claw at me.

"I'm a human, names John. Blah blah blah, I know your Grandpa. We met a while ago." I was getting fed up of introductions by now. The hippogriff have a look of acknowledgement.

Flagon puffed up his chest, looming over the younger Hippogriff, "Round, if I go up there and find an empty rum bottle, YOU are going to be in deep shit," the younger hybrid simply looked up at him in defiance, before harrumphing and trotting away.

Fresh Round, ever the teenager, decided that it wold be wise to escape his elder's wrath, flying through the open window, ascending to the Canterlot skyline. Flagon sighed, rubbing at his forehead with a claw, "Sorry about that, I was rather distracted by my kin, you want anything to eat, or are you just gonna mull around?"

"Yeah actually, do you have fish and chips? I haven't had one in ages," the old bird nodded, Moonflower just waved him off, before he trotted to what looked to be the kitchen.

Once he left I quickly started up conversation with the vampony (heh, see what I did there?) "So, the nightmare? What did you do for a name like that?"

"I end up breaking up a lot of fights on busy weekends. If you manage to take down fully grown stallions every week, you tend to earn a few nicknames."

"Fair enough. How do you deal with working for the princesses. I've known them for like a couple days and they already do my head in."

Moon ruffled her wings, which I thought odd seeing as thestral wings are more akin to Dragons than Pegasi, "The princesses are rather used to a degree of respect, living in a castle full of those sworn to her, servants and guards alike. Quite honestly, she thinks that you owe her respect, which you seem really adamant on doing the exact opposite," she pondered that for a second, "why is that, by the way?"

"I've always been one to disregard authority figures," I smirked, remembering the good times I spent pranking teachers and the people in my year who I found less favourable. Alone, of course, "Luna and Celestia are just expert liars as well as two of the most influential people/ponies on the planet," so basically: they're successful politicians.

"What do you mean? Do you intend to go back to umm... 'Earth' wasn't it?" She questioned, her voice unreadable.

I nodded, "Yes. If I can, I do want to go back. But I wouldn't be particularly mad if I couldn't, there wasn't much for me there anyway," my expression hardened. Moonflower tried to divert the conversation away from home and back onto food.

"So, you ever had hay-fries?" I raised an eyebrow at her question.

"Is it made out of hay?"

"No duh! Why did you think they're called 'hay-fries?" Sarcasm? Maybe these guard types can actually process humour.

"Humans can't digest hay unless it has certain things done to it." I spoke dryly.

She let out a quiet 'oh', "Well, what are you going to do once your debt is payed to the princesses?" She's really damn inquisitive.

"Go back to Ponyville, out of the toxic cesspit of a community that is Canterlot, I'll probably be able to live in the castle, if Princess Twilight is as nice as she seems," she nodded at that.

"Twilight has always been a good girl, she began living in the castle only a few years before I joined the royal guard, so I know her quite well, like the rest of the more experienced, older guards. This was before Nightmare Moon broke free, so I didn't become a Lunar guard until then," a good few years in the guard? Oh yeah, their occupation is practically chosen for them, I forgot cutie marks exist.

Turning my head I noticed some movement from behind the bar, I discovered that Flagon had the food finished, holding the plate with his claws. You could tell by the smell that it was some good fish and chips. The de-winged Griff slipped the plate onto the table and left with a muttered 'enjoy the meal' I'm guessing his Grandson is the one that deals with customers.

Much to my surprise, ketchup is a thing here so after slathering my fries with some of the red sauce, I threw a fry in. began devouring the fries with gusto. The fish was alright, I guess.

Moonflower just looked at me awkwardly the entire time.

"Are you an carnivore or a herbivore? Because your teeth are confusing me,"

"Both, humans are omnivores. Is that the same with thestrals?" I wiped my chin, getting rid of anything that might have missed my mouth.

She nodded, "Yes, thanks for this by the way, most ponies never like being around my kind, so it's hard to have anything close to fun when off duty," she beamed.

I repayed her smile with one of my own, "No problem, I'd actually be interested in making this a regular thing, if you don't mind. There isn't much for conversation around the Castle except the princesses." All the rest are either irritating or not around with any consistency..

"Sure, but it'll probably be quite on and off because of the constant shift changes these days. I spent the entirety of last week doing night patrol, yesterday I was on early morning patrol, now I'm on day patrol! It's ridiculous!"

I wasnt sure why she seemed so interested, maybe the princesses put her up to the job of teasing some information out of me? Oh well, I had fun talking to her so it isn't that big of a deal. We walked to the castle rather happily that afternoon.

Moonflower separated from me, going off deeper into the castle as I climbed the tower stairs.

I found Twilight sat on a cushion, head buried in what was most likely some magic tome filled with things I'd never be able to do.

"Hey Twilight, you in here?" I called, standing in the doorway.

"Hmm? Oh, John you're back! Where were you?" She closed the book, turning slightly to get a better look at me.

"Just went into town to get something to eat," I dropped into the armchair, slightly small for me but still comfy to sit in, "Why do you ask?"

"Just wanted to know," she started grinning maliciously, "so where did we leave off last night? Chemistry, was it?" Please no. God fucking damn it, why did I agree to this bullshit again.

Twilight likes science.

I think I gave her a little too much for someone who had absolutely no idea what an atom was before I told her last night. The girl is going to run out of paper in that little notepad if she keeps on like this. This carried on until Celestia walked in.

The Princess was happy, as usual. I waved at her to get her attention as Twilight was scrawling down an ever expanding amount of knowledge into her little pad.

"Please help, Twi is going to kill me with knowledge." I mouthed.

"No." Celestia, you fucking troll.

I gave her the middle finger, she just blinked, turning her head as if to say 'what?' Oh yeah, ponies don't know what hand gestures were. Except shrugging. Somehow ponies can shrug.

"This means, 'Go fuck yourself.', Celestia."

She merely smiled, and then suddenly Twilight qas right next to me, "I didn't expect to see you here, Princess Celestia," she had finally pulled herself away from the notepad she was assaulting with my pen.

"Hello Twilight," Her tone softened at what I assumed to be her own daughter, "how are things back in Ponyville?"

"Things have settied down since the time travel incident," that peaked my interest, "But Discord is still being himself," Wow, that's harsh, Q isn't THAT bad. Ok, maybe he's a bit annoying at times, but you get the point.

"Say Twi, how far does that time travel go back?"

"It goes as far as it is needed, if the spell Starlight perfected is as flawless as it seems."

"Can you... take me home?" I sounded slightly desperate.

"Not exactly, John. We can take you back for a short duration." She hastily added. "But we'll be able to increase that duration with further study."

A short duration. So now was the time to weigh up options. I decoded to leave the contemplation for later, but as I sit here writing this, I do feel a hollow empty feeling overtake me. There's a lot more I'd like to write here, but I feel like it would clog the entry.

"But it'll take a while to prepare, as most contract spells do," Twilight looked to her pseudo-mom as if to ask her permission.

"In all honesty, I think you should have a pony go with you. Forgive me for not completely trusting you, but if you come back with other humans, along with weapons, I would not hesitate in eradicating you," Wow. Just... wow, did NOT expect that from the happy sunshine pony princess.

"Um... ok then, I wasn't planning to do that but..." what the hell do you say to 'I won't hesitate to murder the living shit out of you.'

The smile came back, "Good! I hope you enjoy the days you spend there," Twilight was rather awestruck by the sudden dark nature her fellow princess had shown.

She then just sat down beside us, "continue on with your research Twilight," that snapped Twilight out of it.

"Oh, we were actually about done for today princess," still processing the fact that Celestia threaten to murder me.

"Yep," Celestia looked quite comfy in her seat, so Twilight ended up the first to leave, sorting the book back into place as she moved towards the door.

As soon as Twi closed the door, Celestia began talking, "You realise that if you do anything untoward to my subjects, I will reciprocate," a warning, how amusing.

"Celestia, if I wanted to do anything, I would've done it, you have exposed your neck to me several times in the presence of guards, who I could disarm. I could've turned you into a kebab, but I didn't. Trust me when I say that I won't hurt your subjects, or your daughter." That thoroughly confused her.

"I would enjoy watching you try." "Also, a daughter? I don't have a daughter," Then who the hell are Twilight's parents?

"Twilight isn't your kid?" Her magic seemed to falter for a second, her grip on the teacup slipping before she regained her composure.

"No, not in blood, but in soul I think of her as far, far more than a simple student or princess," the force behind her words was quite overwhelming, Twilight is certainly a soft spot for her then.

Not that I was planning on deliberately pushing her buttons or anything...

"Twilight's nice, so far she's been fair, if a little over inquisitive." She's also the only pony who I consider a friend so far. Not sure if Thestrals or Changelings count as ponies.

Celestia rose, "Sorry, but I must depart, day court will start in a few minutes. Have fun!" She trotted through the same door that Twilight recently escaped through.

Well now what? I've got fuck all to do, everyone is doing stuff, my phone isn't here so I cant browse... Tactical wank? I thought. Fuck yeah.

A few minutes later...

I briskly exited the room zipping up the denim rags that were supposed to be jeans. Discord? Yeah, thats a great idea, I have no clue where he is though.

All that's left is Luna, but she's a bitch. Do I have any choice? It's Luna or boredom, so I'd pick Luna.

After trekking up to Luna's secluded hideout on the royal tower, I found her asleep. My eyes were drawn more so to the tomes residing at the end of the roomore, on some sort of black wood bookcase.

Illusion magic? Why does Luna have secret illusion magic books. I turned back to the sleeping princess.

Fuck it. I grabbed a good ten of them, before creeping out of the room.

I studied. Illusion magic is very versatile, low cost of magic on the wearer, if you compound enough, you can effectively create an alternate reality inside of a room. Fascinating stuff, really. Good for me, as I only had enough power to fuel a fireplace unless I felt like passing out. The applications of being able to synthesise an environment. I closed my eyes, but when they opened a hazy view of my old room was projected along the walls, a few things out of place, but otherwise untouched.

A few good memories were surfacing from the false vision before I realised I wasn't here, I was at the castle. The pit in my stomach grew deeper with every passing second, I tried and failed to dismiss it. In the end I just got angry and started thinking violent thoughts until I chilled out.

'Why are you imagining uppercutting me in the balls?'

Hey, I never said I was thinking about useful things. Also hi, you're back.

'i was aware. Why did you do that?'

I'm not exactly the most emotionally stable person in the world.

'You seem oddly emotionally stable right now for someone talking to the voice in his head, after previously imagining bringing that person bodily harm.' Lavan whispered, like it was a struggle to get the words out.

I can accept that I'm completely insane, I've been living in pony land for the last week, I think a voice in my head is expected at this point.

'you're bit different yourself, aren't you?' the voice joked.

You have no idea.

'Well, I'm what's left of the destruction spirit, Lavan, although I seem to have been rather influenced by your personality.'

Okay.

'...'

...

'You aren't listening to a word I'm saying are you?'

Nope.

Lavan sighed 'Go to sleep. We shall discuss this tomorrow, when you aren't acting like a brat.'

I went to the tower, unsure about how much of me was me, and how much was Lavan.

I had a rather odd dream that night.

'I was casually sitting on a yellow sofa, similar to the one I stole to escape from Canterlot, eating some of my favourite dip. That was when Celestia burst in, holding a knife and shouting: "I'M PREGNANT, YOU'RE THE FATHER, AND I'M GONNA KILL BOTH OF US!" as any normal person would do, I casually blocked her knife attack with a hand.

I then nonchalantly replied with, Calm down, have some dip." I could hear girly laughter from somewhere. Then the dream ended.

'Human, you have some, as you would put it: Fucked up dreams.' Lavan was up before me, I see.

Why the hell were you in my head?

'Because Luna was there. I had to hide while she watched your dreams.'

What? That doesnt even make any sense.

I could hear Lavan chuckling darkly, 'As an old frenemy of mine once said, what's the fun in making sense?'

Fucking Destruction Spirits, man.

'Please don't, I'm male, and I can guarantee that neither of us would like it.'

Just how much of my personality did this fucker copy?

'I didn't copy it. They merged. I also have a fair few of your memories, by the way.'

You aren't going to try to perform a hostile takeover on my body, are you?

'No, we are one and the same, so I'd be doing what you would do anyway. And even if I was, why would I tell you?'

Good, what perks do you come with? I'm guessing magic and fire resistance so far.

'There will be more, but they will come as your mana pool grows.'

Sweet, you're alright about me eating meat, right?

'At one point in my life, I ate the souls of the innocent for breakfast.'

That is so metal.

'...Never say that again, it makes you sound like an American.

Okay then. Onwards, TO BREAKFAST!

'I am incapable of ingesting food.'

This was looking to be the start of a really fucking stupid relationship.

'Yes. Yes it was.' I could almost feel the spirit smile.

-A few corridors later-

'I've never actually had a proper look around this castle, the Sisters were still at the Everfree when I was beaten.'

When were you banished or whatever? According to the knowledge in Twilight's castle, you don't exist.

'A while ago, it's none of your business.'

Okay, shithead. Act like a cunt as much as you want. Maybe I'll get a fucking lobotomy while you're still in there.

I opened the door into the feasting hall, Celestia was just being given her breakfast.

'I swear her mane was far more... pink. Oh well, doesn't matter if she decided to use hair products, she's still as cute as ever. Lavan stated.

"You're up late, Jonathon, what kept you?"

"Guy stuff," Celestia merely rolled her eyes at that.

'Really? That's the best you could come up with?'

It worked didn't it?

'Pfft, barely.'

Mate, just shut up.

Lavan didn't shut up. ' In the next episode: Will John finally stop being a little bitch? Not likely! Will Celestia figure out I'm here? Maybe?'

Who are you talki-

Lavan tried to drown out any protests I made with his last sentence: 'FIND OUT NEXT TIME!'

Author's Note

Sorry about the delay, life is happening. Therefore problems.

PS: I need an editor. Badly.

PPS: RIP in Writers' block..

PPPS: Huzzah! 1000 views, that didn't take long.

--October, 2019--

Wow, it kind of hurts to read some of this old stuff.

Chapter VII: Things Get Buggy

The final day.

My new residence will be Ponyville Castle, Twilight was happy to have me around, especially seeing as I was going to be doing some experiments combining Human science with Equestrian magic.

Moonflower has completely stopped talking to me, not even attending the sessions about teaching me to be a captain, meaning I had to ask Celestia if I could borrow her one.

Captain Swift was a grey old pegasus stallion, not really much to talk about, not too good in conversation. He's the kind of teacher who just gives you a textbook and tells you to copy down whatever is in there.

It's for that reason I won't bother detailing the sessions.

I woke up slowly and comfortably, for once. No Celestia yanking off the covers, or Lavan telling me to get up.

Not even a Thestral mare waiting for me by the fire or in the corridor.

Solemnly, I get up. Why am I so unhappy? I'm going to be free of the castle. I'll still have Lavan and Twilight.

Occasionally.

Getting dressed, I head down to the dining hall. Celestia is waiting for me, along with Discord and... Luna?

Discord is his usual self, but it's clear that Celestia is less jovial than usual.

"Hello. Having a good morning?" I yawn, sitting in front of my bacon and eggs, beginning to ravage them. They were cooked how I like them, thanks to the kitchen staff. I actually taught them how to make a pretty nice curry, which has apparently gone off well with the nobles.

Discord perked up at my voice, "Johnny! Are you ready to go to Ponyville? I've been asked to take you, it's going to be a lot of fun with another abomination around town!" Discord had created a chariot made of chocolate, poised next to a hole in the wall. Well at least I won't get hungry on the way there.

Celestia was next, "I expect letters from you on our new guards, Captain, as well as some of your findings about this scientific-magic hybrid subject you've theorised.

Luna, ever the charmer, asked me bluntly: "Why has my captain begun slacking? I assume it is because of you, for thou art rather close to her, or you 'were' rather close to her."

"I have some idea but it's rather far-fetched." REALLY far-fetched.

"If you were to do me one thing before you leave, could you help her, she seems rather hopeless. I will not have any of those under my command fall unwell. She is too useful to have in such a state of disarray." So she only wants her to be better so she can work.

"Fine, I haven't said goodbye to her yet anyway." A few more strips of bacon and I would be done with breakfast anyway. I heard Discord sigh, then making a noise not unlike a car locking. A car would be nice at some point...

Eating the last scraps of food, I push off of the table, making my way to the barracks, a large building just at the edge of the training yard.

The looks I'm getting from guards as I walk in doesn't full me with confidence. I know Each captain has their own room, at the back of the barracks, behind their subordinates' quarters. I swiftly made my way passed a couple of glaring day guards, one of them trying to look badass, brandishing his spear.

Moon was sat at her desk, writing something I couldn't get a good look at. Once she noticed me, her concentrated gaze dropped, and she just scowled at me.

Our eyes met, locking as we faced off against each other.

"I'm going." My words caused her scowl to deepen. I sighed, turning around in the open doorway. "Goodbye, Moonflower." I waited a few seconds for a response, receiving none. Ieft the door slightly ajar, soon hearing it shut behind me.

Well that didn't work...

The castle slowly grew smaller as Discord and I flew away. The morning light hitting the castle looked beautiful, each of the stained glass windows still visible shine bright with colour, projecting the endeavours of Twilight and her friends, along with a few other historic heroes.

"Why didn't we just teleport?" Q can do that can't he?

"Well this is much more fun, and you can't get hungry on it either! Want a piece?" Discord pulled off a large chunk of white chocolate from the side of our confectionery carriage.

"Not in the mood." I feel like that should of gone... better.

Discord flattened slightly, trying to cheer me up in different comical ways. I soon ended up tuning out the Draconequus' blabbing.

Wait, why am I getting so depressed over this!? I can just go back whenever I want!

'You'll have to practice your teleportation. Nice work with Moon by the way. It looked like it went swimmingly.'

Ah, the prat under my hat is back.

'First of all, you don't wear a hat. Second of all we're both prats.

Touché.

'Don't get French with me.'

I'll speak whatever language I want with you, Amigo.

'Oh, look! I appear to have found the part of your brain that handles bladder control! Wouldn't it be a shame if something were to happen to it...' Lavan semi-threateningly explained.

Ok, I give in. Please don't make me call in an unscheduled rain storm on Ponyville. Lavan chuckled before going silent again.

Discord was still talking, not having noticed that I was ignoring him, "...and then I said, WELL WHY NOT BOTH?" The Chimera rolled over laughing, clutching his sides.

"Cool story." I automatically replied.

"I know! Gelding IS the best punchline." Gelding? What's that?

"Hey Q-" I began, only to be interrupted by the chaos spirit.

"Were here! Pinkie has quite the welcoming party set up for you when we touch down, so hold on to your perceptions of physics!" Did he get even more eccentric with old age, or is it just me?

As Ponyville grew nearer, I could make out a few distinct shapes on the ground, coming in an assortment of colours.

'Princess Twilight and the bearers of the elements, it seems.' I'm pretty sure I can see Spike on top of Rarity's back.

Thanks for the heads up, hot head.

The chocolate carriage (which was just flying through the air, not even being drawn by Pegasi) slowly made a descent as we grew closer, the almost Tudor-age houses becoming more much more detailed in my vision.

Rainbow Dash flew up to meet us, because she's like the birthchild of Sonic and a packet of Skittles.

"Uhh...Sup dude." The sky. God, that joke is so horrible.

"Found I have magic, it's pretty cool actually. How's it been in Ponyville? Hopefully you lot haven't angered any demons or monsters while I'm away. If anything like that's happening, I want in." Rainbow Dash laughed.

"Nah, no monsters, but what are demons?"

"Creatures from Tartarus." Longest conversation I've ever had with a normal Pegasus, this. Discord flew ahead, and was currently hugging the bearers, everyone except Fluttershy was attempting to escape. I smiled, "lucky you aren't down there."

"You got that right, I don't know how Fluttershy deals with that guy! I mean, he tried to plunge Equestria into eternal chaos! TWICE!"

"When was this? No one's told me about that." Rainbow Dash then explained both of Discord's imprisonments. Soap roads? Flying pigs? I'd say that's pretty tame. The chariot landed quite roughly, nearly throwing me over. But thanks to my pro standing skills, I survived.

I was quickly greeted with a surprise hug from Twilight, which I actually didn't mind, and ended up reciprocating.

"Hi," Twilight said as she dropped from the hug, a barely noticeable blush on her cheeks.

'I bet she's thinking about your little pencil dick.'

NO SHE'S NOT!

'I like how you didn't deny that you have a pencil dick.'

...

'Ok, ok, ill stop, jeez stop getting so huffy.' The spirit trailed off.

Good thing you learned your lesson.

"Where are we off to then? I don't really have anything packed, so we don't need to go to the castle."

Pinkie was the first to speak up, "Sugarcube Corner of course!" She proclaimed as if it was obvious.

"Ehh, I'm not hungry," I casually replied. Pinkie looked absolutely crestfallen for all of about two secondswords before she burst into liveliness again. Her hair seemed to deflate and inflate at will, or something.

"Well, oke dokie, but make sure to get there sometime, or they'll be consequences!" Her tone become more menacing for the last part of her reply. Dark much?

"What kind of consequences?" I asked.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie both looked between each other before narrowing their eyes, and smiling scarily. Pinkie told me this.

"Pranks. Pranks pranky enough to prank you to the prank-terlife." All of that was in the most serious voice the Earth pony could muster, making it seem even worse than the should've been.

'I'll make sure to remind you later.'

You'd better do, or we're both screwed.

'You should go find your changeling friend, now that I think about it.'

"Girls," I paused, "and Spike. I need to go find my 'friend' quick, you know where he is?"

Suprisingly, Applejack answered, "Just a few houses down from the castle, off to the right if yer entering, he's next to the 'Bob Bon Sweet shop', ya can't miss it."

"Thanks AppleJack." I set off for Helix's house, which he somehow managed to buy with only one month's pay.

Walking up to the door, I realised it was slightly ajar.

'probably just kept it open, it's boiling out here.'

Most likely, I opened the door fully, and my first view of his home was kind of shit, to be honest, I don't think he's cleaned it at all. I searched the entire house for the self-exiled changeling, coming up with nothing.

'I don't like this.' Me neither.

As I was leaving, I noticed a note plastered to the door.

Elements of Harmony.

I'm sure you remember Queen Chrysalis? I've taken your puny little friend to be harvested.

Try and get him back if you dare.

Your soon to be ruler, and harvester

-Queen Chrysalis

Motherfu-

'I see her game. It's pretty obvious what she's planning.'

What is she doing?

'She's trying to bait out the elements by telling them he's a pony, in order for them to be captured, leaving Equestria devoid of its most practical defence. Shes probably signed an agreement with another nation to share resources if they aid the attack effort.'

You're probably right, so I'm going to go.

'Alone? Really? You have at least one person who can help you.'

Who?

Moonflower, if you're lucky. Maybe Flagon? He seems to be one of those more veteran guys.'

You're just saying that because he lost his wings.

'I'm actually being serious with you, and you're still joking? Your friend, the only reason you aren't sitting in a cell right now, is most likely being dragged back to an angry Queen to get his horn ripped off and shoved up his ass so he bleeds out from his bum, and you're taking the piss out of MY SUGGESTIONS FOR HELP!?'

...Let's go talk to Twilight, she's a princess, so she'll know what to do.

'You have problems.' looks who's talking Mister Fire Fetish.

I know, and I don't really mind to be honest.

Rereading the note a few times, I ran to the castle. "Twilight! We've got an emergency!" She quickly teleported in front of me, taking the note I held out once she saw it. Her eyes quickly scanned the note, shrinking marginally as she did so. "We need to contact the princesses. Where's Spike?"

"He went with Rarity to the boutique! Get closer to me, I'll be able to teleport us both out." Twilight beckoned me closer. I put a hand on her back, before I experienced the familiar, surging effect of teleportation. When we arrived we were in front of a... carousel? That's really fucking morbid considering it was made by equines, it's got bodies pierced on spikes, for them at least. ~~Plot Twist: Rarity is a serial killer.~~

Twilight galloped in first, with me trailing behind her. By the time I was through the door, Rarity was nowhere to be found; but Twilight had Spike by her; reciting a letter as the drake scribbled it down on a piece of parchment that came from... somewhere.

Finishing the message (Twilight had attached Chrysalis' note to the scroll), Spike shot a small jet of flame at it, the green embers quickly flew out through a window towards Canterlot. So that's what those weird messages that kept dropping in on Celly all the time. Twilight must be some sort of compulsive reporter to Sunbutt.

Spike and I nodded a greeting quickly, settling down and waiting for the princess's reply.

...And waiting...

...Aaaand waiting...

'She's either masturbating or eating cake, that's why she hasn't replied yet.'

All we need is some elevator music and we'll be set.

Spike suddenly choked up a scroll, which Twilight snatched out of the air, unfurling it quickly. Her eyes quickly scanned the reply, before she held it out to me.

I grabbed it and began reading:

Dear Twilight Sparkle and John Smith-

This news is most troubling, Twilight. Luna and I are currently preparing a detachment of guards. They will make for the changeling wastes tomorrow, at dawn.

Twilight, under no circumstances are you to come with them, Chrysalis' plan involves the elements being personally involved. I would encourage allowing Spike to make his choice on the manner, he is one of the few ponies with a direct line to me. You may try to dissuade him, but it is ultimately his choice.

John, I am speaking directly to you now. You are not required to come, but I would advise it, you are familiar with the taken citizen, and it would be good for you to introduce him back after he has been rescued.

Good luck to the both of you.
-Princess Celestia

'Atta' girl.'

"I'm going, I'll head out tomorrow. Ask Spike about it." The confused drake looked at Twilight his gaze conveying his message to her.

"Spike, it doesn't matter..." She trailed off, trotting over to the purple dragon (ayy wagwan) as he hopped on her back. They left quickly, the princess now flying over to the castle. Rarity entered through a door that looked like it led to a bathroom.

"Did I miss anything?" The pale unicorn brushed her indigo mane with a wooden brush.

"No, not really."

Spike decided he wanted to go. Twilight wasn't happy about it, if the shouting match I heard earlier was any indication. The little guy walked into the barracks area, asking if he could have one of them. I said yes, and he dragged a small pile of comics down until he fell asleep. He was lying in a cot for some reason, so I gently lifted him into one of the free beds, beds that were, in a few months, to be filled by some smart-ass mages.

If you want me to write their argument, then the answer is no. That's personal to them, and I don't think I should've been there to hear it either.

I'm not really sure about Twilight and Spike's relationship. Twilight seems to think she's his mother, but acts like his sister. Spike acts more like a brother to her, while letting himself be babied.

It's quite odd actually. Biologically, Twilight is the surrogate mother (Twilight told me the story of how Spike came to be) and Rainbow Dash... she's kind of his father if you think about it...

I'm getting off track: Anyway, I'm proud of the guy, he's acting independently. And we all know that's just a part of growing up.

Oh God, he snores.

Morning came quickly, far too quickly, if you ask me. I didn't even get time to spend a whole day here, and I'm already going back to Canterlot... then to Mexicolt. South West Mexicolt is the area the Changelings roam, just on the Pacific coastline, for your information.

After a short farewell from each of the six, as well as a longer and more desperate attempt to get Spike to stay with them, our train arrived.

"C'mon, Spike! Next train doesn't come for ages. It's do or die time!" The train touted as it slowly edged it's way from the platform, I had already hopped on, while Spike kept looking back and forth between me and the six.

He quickly rushed onto the train, causing gasps from the elements as we left them behind. "I'll keep him safe, Twi! That's a promise!" I only had time to see the tears form around her eyes before the train jarred to the left, obscuring my view of her.

'She'll be fine.'

I hope so.

'You two are in Carriage 3, Row F'

Thanks Lavan.

"Spike, you alright?" He had a bit of a distant look in his eyes, I followed his gaze to the silhouette of Ponyville against the rising sun. "You'll be back in no time, I promise." We walked to the cabin in relative silence, the only sound the trundling of the old steam engine, and some muffled conversations of ponies heading to Canterlot.

Both of us dropped our backpacks at the same time, he pulled out some comic that looked suspiciously like a pony version of the Avengers, but I wasn't looking too hard. Me, on the the other hand? I was out like a light within a few minutes, thanks to last night's sleep deprivation.

I awoke just before we entered the station, from the toot of the train, signaling the oncoming platform. Spike had fallen asleep on a pile of comics at some point, sprawled out across them.

"Spike?" I lightly shook him. "Time to get up Spike, we're in Canterlot." No response.

I rolled my eyes, and began shaking him harder.

"Wuh-What? Stop!" He grabbed my arm as I shook him awake.

"We've gotta go dude. Train's in Canterlot." He piled off the comics, dropping them in the small bag.

"Ok, got my stuff." He affirmed, and we made our way out of the carriage quickly.

And who else would be waiting for us at the platform?

"Nice morning isn't it?" I asked rhetorically.

"Yes, it is." The familiar Thestral replied.

OF COURSE. Fucking- "Captain Moonflower."

"Captain John, Princess Celestia wishes to see you." She turned to Spike, "Spike, you can come to the food Hall with me. The Princess needs to talk to him alone."

'Private audience with Sunny? Better not do anything naughty.'

I'm pretty sure Celestia isn't interested in me.

'I said that a thousand years ago, I was putting it in every hole she had available within the next half hour.'

I'm not sure whether I should be disturbed or aroused by that.

'Why not both?'

Spike was in the middle of us, unknowingly preventing an argument, Moon still shot me looks every once in a while.

'What do you think of ponies?'

What do you mean?

'Would you put your dick in one?'

Where did this line of conversation come from?

'It keeps circulating around in the little peanut you call a brain.'

The answer is edging towards 'yes', but is still 'maybe'. Also fuck you for the side comment on about brain size.

'Yes, come to the dark side, you filthy little xenophile...' Lavan whispered.

What?

'Nothing!' The spirit admitted nervously.

Better be nothing.

It took a few minutes for us to get within distance of the castle, a few tiring minutes walking up an irritatingly steep incline, but a few minutes all the same. I still got a few upturned noses and dirty glares from passing ponies, but it wasn't as bad as it it was back when I first got here.

I'm so used to the guards not letting me through the front doors, I tried stepping into a hidden passage into the gardens I found on day fifteen. I saw the looks the Bat-mare and Dragon were giving me and followed them through the main gates.

I haven't really described the castle have I? Imagine the palace in Agrabah from Alamein, plus Hogwarts.

That is the most accurate description of Canterlot Castle I can muster.

Once we were inside, I was whisked away by a group of guards, while Spike and Moo- I mean 'Captain Moonflower walked off down a separate path.

Celestia was waiting for me in the throne room, her face betraying no emotion. I need to figure out how she does her poker face someday.

"Captain, I assume you are here to take up the offer on the journey to Alpha Hive." I nodded. Changelings are very inventive with their city names, it seems.

"Spike has too, although I'm not sure why. If you could do me a favor and ask about it, that would be great." Celestia's face slipped from that, not expecting my words.

"John, that is what I planned to do after this meeting. Now, I know that the 'citizen' in question is indeed the same changeling that escaped with you after your... shock arrival." She went on, "Did he tell you anythin to do with the Changelings, anything useful in an attack?" I see where this conversation is going.

"No, he talked about Changeling society, and Discord's attack on them a year and a bit ago, but nothing we can really use." Besides that thing about Reavers, but I'm pretty sure Chrysalis can't control them on something.

'Do you think I'm being too quiet? I feel like I've been talking less, recently.'

You DID pull some silent treatment crap on me for the last few days.

'Oh. I guess that would explain it.'

We're running out of jokes aren't we?

'Yep.'

Well at least now we get to be all serious and gritty.

'Like Heath Ledger Joker?'

Exactly like Heath Ledger Joker.

From then on, I half-listened to the princesses spiel about Chrysalis' origins or something. The other half of my mind was thinking about how sore my feet were, and how comfy the bed was in the tower.

Why are we still here?

'Dunno.' I could feel Lavan mentally shrug.

I feel like shit.

I'm tired, but not enough so to fall asleep.

The worst kind of tired.

I almost slip into unconsciousness as I hear a knock at the door.

I grumbled something along the lines of, "son of a fruiting birch". I tried ignoring the sound of knocking, but each hard tap on wood was getting stronger and faster.

"I'M COMIN!'" The knocking stopped. And I left the warm embrace of the bed to open the door.

What I didn't expect, was Moonflower, out of uniform, looking away from me and scuffing her hoof along the floor.

"Hi. Can I help you?" I huffed.

Moonflower sighed before saying a word I've never heard from her before: "Sorry."

"About what?" I raised an eyebrow.

"About yesterday, or this morning. I was angry " I feel like there's something else in there.

"...And?"

'I'm just gonna leave for a while.'

Before I knew what was going on, the crazed mare pounced on me. I ended up on my back, with her hooves pressing down on me and her muzzle merely inches away from mine. I could feel her breath lightly grazing my skin as her lips closed in on mine...

"Ahem." We were rather rudely interrupted by a certain dark blue alicorn standing in the corridor and the doors were wide open.

'False alarm. Luna still cock-blocks people after a good two millenia.' Lavan idly commented.

-John's Insides-

Brain, do you copy?

\\ [ERROR CODE: 69] PENIS HAS MUTINIED, I REPEAT THE PENIS HAS MUTINIED. ////

Well that's not good, anything about heart?

(WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DUDE? THE HEARTBEAT DOWN HERE HAS GONE HAYWIRE!)

Damn, I guess we have no other choice.

[MURPHY'S LAW VARIABLE UNACCOUNTED. BLUE ALICORN HAS ARRIVED. ORDERS FROM MISSION COMMAND?]

Commence the V-card disposal. Use new found abilities to shut the door.

[V-CARD DISPOSAL REQUIRES AUTHORIZATION. PASSWORD INPUT:_]

I forgot the password.

Shit.

-Equestria-

I wanted a perfectly calm evening. I got a mare on top of me, we were most likely going to end up on the bed. That's bad enough. Then Luna walks in and is like: 'LOL, gt trolled m8, no hoarse seks 4 u.'

When will the torture end?

'When it's no longer funny?' the spirit mused.

You're a riot, Lavan. Now, what are we going to do with the mare on top of us.

'Fuck her right in the pussy?'

No, we can't rely on a weird old guy for life information, even if he says comical lines on TV.

'That is true... Headless Chicken mode?'

Headless Chicken mode.

For many soundly sleeping inhabitants of Canterlot, John's (Girly as fuck) screaming was an unwelcome wake up call. Needless to say, Nobody was happy with him right now. Luna: I nearly made out with her captain; Moonflower: I just bailed on her; Celestia could probably find some obscure reason to be mad at me, as she's a female.

"GET BACK HERE JOHN!" Oh yeah, Moonflower is pissed.

'If you can turn left, turn right, then go up the first set of stairs you see, then take the second door to the left, you should find Celestia's chambers, if my memory is correct, it's the one with the massive sun across it.'

Thank you, SatNav.

I followed ~~Lavan~~ SatNav's directions, and soon I was in front of Celestia's door, while Moonflower had just managed to fly up the staircase.

Shit. SHIT. SHIT! GET IN, GET IN, GET IN! my hand nearly slipped off the polished handle, and I was through the door, a second quicker than my crazed assailant.

'Safety.' We let out a long, heavy breath.

"Hello John." Celestia whispered, scaring me. I faced the pseudo-goddess, her hair was a light shade of pink, not dissimilar to Fluttershy's.

'I CALLED IT! THE RAINBOW HAIR IS FAKE!' Lavan yelled triumphantly.

*THUNK* Moonflower tried opening the doors I was still pushed up against. Fuck it, chameleon cantrip.

And I faded into the door. Illusion magic is OP like that.

"Where is he!?" Her wings were flared, fangs were bared and I was scared.

'You're a poet and you didn't know it.'

"My, my, Captain, why are you up this late? Aren't you meant to be preparing for this morning?" She's coming as well? Damn. That's going to be awkward.

Invisibility spells are so much easier when you're calm. Sadly I wasn't.

'Keep it going, Celestia's getting her out of the room.' I was too busy keeping up the invisibility to listen in on Celestia and Moon's conversation. At the edge of my endurance, I heard the door to the room shut.

Phasing out of the door again, I flopped to the ground in a heap.

"Thank. You." I breathed heavily as Celestia trotted closer to me.

"You should be getting to sleep as well." She looked down at me, disappointed.

"Just give me a minute, princess." I fell asleep before Celestia got back to her bed.

-Six hours later-

There are many strange ways to wake up.

I didn't expect to wake up spooning Celestia.

Well, that's a good start to the day.

I untangled myself from the princess' wayward limbs before getting up and walking to the door. I listened to Celestia enough the night before to know where the group headed to changelingland, or wherever the fuck we're going.

Celestia, I have entrusted this book to you now. If I don't make it back, find a way to bring it back to my time.

I'll only say what you said to me yesterday, in the letter.

Good luck to you.

And hopefully to me as well.

Author's Note

I F :flutterrage: KING HATE THE PUBLISH BUTTON PLACEMENT! WHENEVER I TRY TO ADD TO THE STORY ON MY PHONE, I KEEP PUBLISHING THE HALF-DONE CHAPTER!

:twilightangry2: THIS EMOTE DOESN'T EVEN COME NEAR THE AMOUNT OF PISSED OFF I AM WITH THE PUBLISH BUTTON.

ALT Chapter VII: The One Where It's A Valentine's Day Thing

The final day.

My new residence will be Ponyville Castle, Twilight was happy to have me around, especially seeing as I was going to be doing some experiments combining Human science with Equestrian magic.

Moonflower has completely stopped talking to me, not even attending the sessions about teaching me to be a captain, meaning I had to ask Celestia if I could borrow her one.

It's for that reason I won't bother detailing the sessions.
I woke up slowly and comfortably, for once. No Celestia yanking off the covers, or Lavan telling me to get up.

Not even a Thestral mare waiting for me by the fire or in the corridor.

Solemnly, I get up. Why am I so unhappy? I'm going to be free of the castle. I'll still have Lavan and Twilight.

Occasionally.

Getting dressed, I head down to the dining hall. Celestia is waiting for me, along with Discord and... Luna?
Discord is his usual self, but it's clear that Celestia is less jovial than usual.

Celestia was next, "I expect letters from you on our new guards, Captain, as well as some of your findings about this scientific-magic hybrid subject you've theorised.

Luna, ever the charmer, asked me bluntly: "Why has my captain begun slacking? I assume it is because of you, for thou art rather close to her, or you 'were' rather close to her."

"I have some idea but it's rather far-fetched." REALLY far-fetched.

"If you were to do me one thing before you leave, could you help her, she seems rather hopeless. I will not have any of those under my command unwell. She is too useful to have in such a state of disarray." So she only wants her to be better so she can work.

Eating the last scraps of food, I push off of the table, making my way to the barracks, a large building just at the edge of the training yard.

Moon was sat at her desk, writing something I couldn't get a good look at. Once she noticed me, her concentrated gaze dropped, and she just scowled at me.

Our eyes met, locking as we faced off against each other.

"I'm going." I made for the door, behind me I heard shuffling, and Moonflower was stood next to me.

"Umm..." She leaped onto my chest, dropping me to the floor, "Moon? Wh- mmph!" I stood there in shock as the mare who had been my best friend in this strange world kissed me.

She was kissing me. Moon was kissing me.

Did I mention she was kissing me?

She tasted... fruity?

Far too quickly, she pulled away, both of us were panting. Once she had caught her breath, she pushed back in, and we locked lips again, this time I reciprocated, pushing back with my own. She moaned into my mouth, and I felt her canines lightly graze my mouth. The sense of danger and the slight pain only intensified the pleasure. Once again our lips parted, leaving us both breathless as we stared at each other

Her gaze trailed downwards, towards my chest, then to my crotch.

The return of the whyboner.

Her demeanor suddenly became more sultry as she moved backwards slightly.

Oh, boy.

THEN THEY FUCKED.

THE END (Not really)

Author's Note

This chapter is ALT for a reason.

This never happened.

Shhhhhhh. Just forget about it.

Chapter VIII: On The Highway To Hell!

Dear family of John Smith

I, Celestia, regret to inform you, that on the 23/11/1067 AD (After Discord) he was Killed In Action.

...

...Get bamboozled.

OH YEAH! I DIDN'T DIE IN THE CHANGELING PLACE!

Barely.

here's what happened In... I've already forgotten the old name. Let's just call it Changelingia.

Sounds better than the new one anyway.

Spike was by my side as we walked down to the chariots, of which there were two. One for supplies, (where the day captain was flying around) and one for passengers. We quickly climbed aboard the latter, and my entrance was met with glares from the guards inhabiting it. All the rows were filled, except for the space near the end...

'Next to Moonflower' Lavan added.

Right. The one next to Moonflower. Well, this conversation was gonna have to happen sometime...

I plopped myself down, and Spike decided to curl up like a cat in the middle of the doorway to the front of the chariot, where it was freeze-your-dick-off cold.

Not a second after I sat myself down, the cart began moving forward, accelerating briskly while the paved road underneath was hit by the rickety wheels until... nothing, no friction, barely any noise, aside from the distant hustle and bustle of Canterlot. Looking out the window, I noticed something rather pressing.

We were flying. Very quickly.

It took a moment for it to sink in.

"Who's flying this?" Because they sure as hell don't have jet engines, medieval tech, remember?

A guard opposite me spoke up, "a couple of Halulan Pegasi, sir. High wing span, very long distance fliers. Can't sprint for their lives though." Thank you, anonymous guard who I will most likely never see again.

Leaning back, I looked at my seat-neighbour.

Moonflower wasn't happy.

Again.

She started pretending I wasn't there. Little does she know, silent treatment is always the easiest to deal with.

I started tickling her wings. Wings, if stimulated correctly are an erogenous zone, because they are in essence, an additional limb attached directly to the spine. making them really sensitive.

Biology triumphs.

She couldn't help but start laughing into her hoof as I mercilessly attacked her wings from behind, making sure no one else could see my mischief.

In retaliation, she hit my arm with a free hoof, trying to get me off. It didn't work, but it bloody hurt. My arm felt like it had been hit with a small hammer, and it took every bit of restraint I had not to yell out. Somehow, we managed all this while escaping the notice of the many guards, both day and night, that surrounded us.

"Captains, could you do this in your own time?" One of the guards called out.

Our appendages withdrew from each other, and we shuffled away slightly.

'Damn, dude. Just fuck her already. You can tell she wants 'The D' from miles away.

That's kind of demeaning, Lavan. And anyway, I'm not sure what my position is on the whole 'inter-species relationships' thing anymore.

'So what would it take for you to consider it?'

I'm getting relationship advice from an eldritch abomination that tried to burn away all life on the planet.

I don't see anything wrong with that.

It'll take a long while before I'm ready to do so. A long while without human females. I'm still a little against the idea of putting it in a small horse. Kissing? Depends, but sex? No thanks.

'And you were having a go at the ponies for being racist. Hypocrite.'

I'm pretty sure I have more leverage in an argument here, it's not that I don't like Moon, or other species, I'm just not interested in them... Yet.

'Foreshadowing...'

Lavan, that's the second time you've done that, we are not in some kind of idiot's story book. We. Are. REAL.

'Keep telling yourself that, bub. But I know the truth is out there.'

The truth is ou- THIS ISN'T THE X-FILES!

'Prove it, Scully.'

Turbulence jerked the cart as we slowly moved upwards, this caused me to accidentally headbutt the low-lying roof of the cart, which drew the mirth of many a guard. As I rubbed my head, I peered out the side window.

There was a pink blob in the supply carriage. (which was flying just to the side of us, if you didn't know) I rubbed my eyes and blinked. The blob was gone.

'Probably just the minor concussion talking.'

Yeah. I guess.

I rested my head on the wall, arms and legs crossed as I tried to get into a comfortable sleeping position. Alas, twas not to be. This carriage was so awkward to sleep on, even without the occasional turbulence which would try it's best to give me some measure of brain damage.

The minutes ticked on, and I was no closer to sleep than I was when I boarded. Everyone else was rather soundly sleeping, and Moonflower had her head in my lap, smiling blissfully as she slept. Id never tell this to her, but she looked ridiculously cute, as her wings tried to curl round me in a sort of hug, her nose buried in the belly of my shirt.

It helps that she was quite warm too. I dropped a hand onto her back. Enterprising on the heat she generated.

As time went on I found myself getting a bit drowsy.

Peaceful, even. But somewhere in there...

Happiness.

The distant sound of thunder shook me from sleep's embrace. I saw a few ears flick as the tired guards woke up themselves.

"Was 'appenin'?" I grumbled, still in a sleep-induced stupor.

'Storm, a big one. Like 'a weak hurricane' big. Lavan warned.

"Is this storm gonna be a problem?" I asked innocently.

"Sir, we will most likely have to land, luckily, we're just at the Mexicolt border, so we won't be in any immediate danger from Changelings." Oh, good.

Then everyone noticed Moonflower. Who was hugging me tightly now, looking nearlying inseparable from my midsection. I took note of the light blush her cheeks held as she embraced my crotch area.

"Quite the catch, Human." A night guard raised a brow, wiggling it suggestively. This fucking guy.

"Shut up..." The captain was completely unaware that anyone was staring and so a few continued to do so.

*THUD*

"MMPH!" From where Moon's head had been resting the sudden landing sent her chin smashing to my testes. C'mon, that MUST have woken her up...

She would not wake up. At all. She was like some sort of sleeping Leech, refusing to let go until she was satisfied. I had to stay sat there while others stretched their legs, as to not wake her, the pins and needles were rushing into my waistline, and getting worse as time went on. I was half tempted to do the ear blowing trick I used on Twilight a few weeks ago.

Damn, those times seems so far away now.

Eventually I came up with a suitable idea.

I hauled her around, carrying her to one of the tents that had been set up while I was inside. It was one of the larger ones, royal purple with a golden line drawn around the top. Seems like it's for important people.

The guards here must think they're a right bunch of jokers. They set up a candle-lit dinner for two.

'Even the guards can see it. So just DO IT!'

Subtle coercion isn't really your specialty, is it?

'Nope. I was alway more direct. Especially when it came to MARES.'

Can we stop going on about this and get the mare to bed?

'Bow Chicka Wow Wow.'

I've never even watched Red v.s. Blue.

'That doesn't mean I can't quote Tucker.'

I sighed in that 'I can't believe I have to put up with this shit' way before unceremoniously dropping the lump known as Moonflower onto the hastily made... bed thingy. I don't even know what to call it.

'Describe it.'

It's uhh... like a hammock, but with a duvet, and a wooden frame.

'It's just a really unorthodox hammock, John.'

OK. Why are we focusing in on a hammock?

'Because the guy in charge is clearly running out of things to say.'

Who is in charge?

'...'

He's gone. Now then, let's go get some grub-

A hoof on my thigh.

"Don't go..." Moon asked me. I knew I shouldn't turn around, because then I'd have to defend myself against the puppy dog eyes both her and Twilight seemed surprisingly adept at.

"I'm hungry, Moon, we can talk in a bit."

'She's super clingy. Like a poor abandoned pup.' Lavan commented as I pushed through the flaps of the purple tent.

I'll talk to her after dinner, or breakfast. Whatever it is now.

"Lunch." I was wrong on both accounts. They had nearly everything I'd ever need here. Including a nice piece of bacon...

The bacon is calling to me~

It took me a few minutes to stock my plate properly, but I dived into the meal quickly. Hastily munching on the assortment of fruit, veg and meat. I stopped only once, finding a strand of blonde hair stuck in my apple. Gross. I hope I don't get that often. Do the ponies who stock this stuff not use mane-nets? As i was removing myself from the seat, I could see that most guards were hurriedly heading inside their tents.

The storm was fast approaching and the lightning strikes were becoming vigorous, every so often one would strike a mile away, and more were visible further back.

It's still better than British weather.

When I got back, Moon hadn't noticed my entrance, and was rolling around on the floor, tossing and turning. She would stop for a second, huff and then continue on. My laugh alerted her that I was standing in the doorway.

"How long have you been there?" She asked, still upside down.

"Long enough." I quipped back, smiling wryly.

She sighed, "can you scratch my back? I need a little help here."

'Bruh, she's trying to get you close, so you can cuddle her. Don't fall for it!'

Lavan, she can't scratch her back. If you were trapped in stone, like Q, then you know more than most how annoying that is.

'...I was trapped in Canterlot Mountain. Warded in at the top, then buried under it.'

Buried alive? Seriously? Celestia did that to you?

'Yep. Old me had serious claustrophobia as well. Until he went mad with loneliness. I, or He, had a bit of a rough ride.'

I'm still gonna scratch her itch.

'That's what she said.'

It's what you make it.

Sitting down on the hammock, I patted my thighs, motioning her to move over. She reluctantly laid down on my lap, stretching out and exposing her winged back to me.

As I began scratching, she melted into my lap, purring like a cat and pushing lightly against my hands.

Ponies are so weird.

'I hear you, Celly had some weird fetishes too.'

Because I DEFINETELY needed to hear about your relationship with Celestia.

Moonflower's tail was lifting slightly as she nuzzled into my chest. Damn, she looks cute like this, she was really soft as well.

Fuck it, let's just bite the bullet. "Would you like to try something?" Her ears perked up. "When we get back to Equestria, I mean. I'm not really that used to thinking that way about ponies, but... I could try."

Quick as a flash, (as cliché as that simile is) she was hugging me comfortably, and pushing her mane up pinto my chin, tickling me slightly. It was nice, all things considered. "Ok." She whispered. "Would you like to sleep here?"

I mulled it over for a second. "I don't think I'm comfortable with that yet. Hugs and kisses, maybe. But I'm not really ready for anything more." Moon nodded understandingly and squeezed me a bit tighter before letting go. She walked off out of the tent, swaying her hips.

"Uh, Hey isn't this your tent?" She shook her head, and her rump, although she did the latter more subtly.

"No, it's yours." So she rolled around in my bed for a while, just to scratch an itch. "I was just making sure to get my scent on you in case any other mare gets ideas." Oh. Aaaaand she's gone. I'm just gonna go clean those sheets. But, before that...

*sniff* it does smell like her.

Maybe I won't clean them...for a bit.

The rain dripped down in a small pitter-patter on the roof of the tent. I idly scratched under my armpit, the long-sleeved shirt I was wearing in bed slightly rubbing against it.

I was having trouble sleeping.

Wouldn't you? If anyone's reading this, that is.

I'm effectively going off to war with a nation of shapeshifters under the control of a dictator. I'm scared shitless, really.

You don't see it, but I am terrified, anyone here could turn out to be an assassin, now I know I'm being overly paranoid but... my paranoia is well founded.

Anyone out there could of been sent to kill us.

The day guard group is about nineteen strong, then the there's the day captain, me, and there's nineteen night guards, discounting Moon.

We have a group of forty-one, and forty of them may very well be Changelings.

'Relax, Changelings burn easy.'

Mate, that's a fair point, but I will not kill anyone, unless it is absolutely and utterly impossible to do otherwise. Preferably not losing my life.

'Go to sleep, John.'

That doesn't help in the slightest.

Desperately trying to sleep, I had finally found comfort...

'Get up, John.' Lavan ordered.

*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Please tell me I'm just hearing things.

'Nope.'

I called it changeling...attack?

It was just a bee.

A really fucking loud bee.

Wow, Lavan, you woke me up for an abnormally loud insect.

'You weren't asleep, so I couldn't have woken you up.'

Don't be pedantic, you oaf. I stretched, clicking various bones as I did so.

'What are you doing? I thought you were tired.' Lavan inquired as I pulled on a pair of jeans. Denim is actually a really unpopular material here, but ponies have shit tons of it lying around for some reason, so Celestia let me have some. It would probably be muddy outside, so I donned a pair of walking boots.

Goin' for a walk. I need to walk off any energy I have left.

'It's dark out.'

And? You scared of the dark?

Lavan stopped talking after that, so I just pushed through the flaps in the tent, to be immediately buffeted by a small gust and rain in my face. Meh, I was always a fan of the rain anyway.

'A pyromancer that likes the rain? What is this world coming to? ' Lavan bemoaned.

*Slop* *Slop* *Slop*

Gotta love the noise of mud underfoot.

'It sounds like you're taking a whip to a pile of diarrhoea.'

That's a lovely mental image you're conjuring there. As I walked the perimeter I noticed a few shadows next to the supply cart, and investigated, lighting my arm and using my magic as a torch.

Twilight Sparkle dropped the apple she had in her mouth.

"What. Are. You. Doing. Here!?" I harshly whispered.

The other elements moved into view from behind the cart.

"We can explain..."

"Stay." I commanded. Those six had one job. Not to come here, and they fucked up.

I'm getting Spike.

I stomped off into the middle of the camp, peering into tents until I found the dragon whelp.

It took a few guesses, but I found him curled up in a small basket on his own.

"Spike. Get up, Twilight is a dumbass." I lightly shook him.

"Uhh, five more minutes, Twi. Thanks..." He mumbled with only the slightest bit of coherence.

"Spike!" I urged him up.

"Fineeeee. What do you want written?" He pulled a piece of parchment from somewhere again. Does he just store them in his ass or something?

'Imagine if he got a papercut.' Lavan chuckled.

Yet again, a lovely mental image.

"How did you-" I began asking Spike, before he waved a hand.

"That's literally all I'm good for anymore..." Jeez, that's fucking harsh.

"Uhh...Well, No it isn't, you're good at loads of stuff! But, write:

'Celestia

Twilight is stupid and followed us to the Changelings in a supply cart, teleport them back or something.

Your favourite human, John.'

"Send it." I ordered, and as soon as he finished scribbling down the letter, he set it on fire, which then flew away through the flaps of the tent.

"So Twilight's here?" The drake asked, and I nodded lazily.

With out another word, he ran out of them tent as fast as his little legs could carry him.

'Silly lizard.'

I caught up the dragon, who had woken a few guards on his way to Twilight. He was latched into the unicorn, leaning up to hug at her neck shakily, she reciprocated with her own, enclosing him in her fore-hooves, then wrapping him in her wings once she got a better hold of him.

"Now that you've kissed and made up, let me drop the bombshell here. Celestia's gonna be pissed, so tell me: Why the fuck are you here? The one thing you weren't meant to do!" I jabbed Rainbow dash in the chest, just above a tuft of fur that signaled the front end of her belly.

"We can't let ponies do this for us! We're the protectors of Equestria!" She stomped at the ground, kicking up a bit of mud.

"Hello? Look around you! This isn't Equestria, we aren't in the borders! You can't very well protect it if you're miles and miles away from anyone you can protect!" I was most likely lying, I wasn't sure whether we had actually crossed the border yet. She still saw the truth in my words, her pose faltering for a second.

"You know what I mean! We don't need to be in Equestria to protect it! We have the elements!" She glowed pure white for a second, before emerging out as some kind of super saiyan-pony crossbreed thing. Her mane was somewhat ethereal, sparking with rainbow lightning. She turned it off for just as quickly.

"So are these ponies!" I motioned towards the guards that were slowly forming a circle around us, Moon was among them, pretty much right behind me. "Except, and no offense to any guards here, they are more expendable, Fuck I'M more expendable! You six have the game changing weapon, and you took it with you into the enemy territory, where if you lose one of them, we can no longer use them!" I hadn't ripped into someone this heard since I was in Equestria. "Now, you are going to STAY HERE!" I breathed, "until Celestia replies and sends you lot back to Ponyville or Canterlot, or wherever the hell you're meant to be!" And with that I walked back to the tent, my mood soured.

It was certainly effective, and all of them, even Pinkie, saw how stupid of a move that was.

'I think you just tore Rainbow Dash's ass apart right there.'

I think I just tore EVERYONE'S ass apart back there.

Pushing through the entrance of my new temporary room, I undressed myself and dropped into the hammock, finally tired enough to sleep.

I didn't pay much attention to what happened next, but I know that Princess Twilight and the elements were using Moon's tent, so she came in while I was half-awake, and settled down on a chair across the way.

The morning was a trying affair, Celestia couldn't bring the elements back to Equestria by teleportation, as they were too far, and she was in the middle of extremely tense negotiations with Yaks, who seemed to be ridiculously angry twenty-four-seven. We also couldn't spare a chariot to drop them back and we definitely couldn't leave them here. Early in the morning, I cast an alarm spell on the tent the elements were inside, keeping it focused inside with a helpful day mage, who was capable of creating a soundproof forcefield.

Rainbow Dash especially hated her wake-up call.

"John?" The voice of Moon rang from just outside, as I was sending my third reply of the day to the mare, about why the fuck we didn't keep an eye on them, to make sure they wouldn't come with us.

Her response was, in simple terms: 'I didn't think they would do it.' AKA: 'I thought they were more competent than that, and would realise how fucktarded of an idea that was.

"Yeah, Moon?" I shouted from the hammock, where I had a scroll propped up against my legs and a pen in hand.

She trotted in, ruffling her wings slightly. "Has Celestia figured out how to get the elements back safely?" I shook my head, before continuing with my reply.

Moon's eyelids drooped, and she began eying me mischievously. "...You know, last night I remember you saying something." I turned to her.

"And what might that have been?" I dropped the scroll onto a nearby chair.

"Something about 'being fine with hugs and kisses'?" I rolled my eyes, realising her intent.

"Come on up then." She flapped her wings once, a small gust rocking the hammock slightly as she lifted off. "Oof, Moon, don't land on my stomach like that." She had accidentally winded me.

"I'll make sure not to do that next time..." She trailed off, her (rather sexy) tone inflecting her voice.

She eyed me longingly, her tail was whipping side-to-side, lightly brushing against my thigh and tickling me.

"So, what are we gonna do on the hammock, Johnny?" I could barely suppress a laugh from that.

"Depends...What do you want to do on it?" I teased.

She leaned in closer, "a lot of things..."

"JOHN!" Spike called from outside, rushing in through the front of the tent, "John! You need t- Woah, am I interrupting something?" Moon and I huffed in irritation and she hopped off of my chest.

'Twice in a row? You have to be under some sort of cock-block spell. I bet it was Luna!' Lavan surmised.

"Yes, Spike, you were interrupting, but it doesn't matter. What do you need me for again?" Spike shook himself from his little moment.

"Twilight wanted to see you."

Of course she did. Couldn't have a morning to myself could I?

"I'll get to it once I'm finished with this," I grabbed the parchment with my half-written letter to Celestia. He nodded and scampered away, most likely back to Twilight and his other slave drivers.

That was a joke, by the way. Spike is kind of a lapdog to those six, but they don't take advantage of it.

...To my knowledge.

It took me a while to finish it, but the letter was ready to send, and I was walking over to the large, dark blue tent with a golden stripe across the top, which I guessed was the one a certain mare should of been sleeping in last night.

The elements were dotted around the tent, Rainbow Dash as lying on a cloud (because Pegasi can do weird shit to clouds) and Applejack was sat on a chair, they looked to be playing a card game; Pinkie had left a note saying she was out to lunch; Fluttershy was admiring a small flower that had grown where the tent was placed down; Twilight was pacing around nervously, mouthing things to herself and Rarity was asleep in the hammock, a white hoof had been placed over her eyes.

"What is it, Princess?" Twilight snapped out it, and her face lit up once I had made myself known.

"John, has Princess Celestia arranged a carriage to pick us up?" I facepalmed.

"That are the exact words I said to her in the first letter. Apparently, she can't redirect any, as they are all in use right now," Twilight was about to open her mouth, but I swiftly cut her off, "She cannot teleport you back, you cannot just flying back on your own, and we cannot leave you here until help arrives, or stay here and wait until help arrives either."

"So we have to come with you to Alpha Hive?" She quickly interjected. I nodded grimly.

"I got nothin'," Applejack dumped her cards onto the table, and Rainbow Dash pumped her hoof in the air.

Oh, yeah! Royal Flush! I'm the best!"

"Consarn' it Dash, you always win! Are ya cheatin'?" She glared at the multicolour-maned mare.

'You really like alliteration don't you?'

I can't help it. It makes writing these journals much more fun.

"Nahh~, You're just terrible at lying." She poked the Earth mare with a hoof.

Applejack pushed her away. "And you are terrible at playin' fair Dash."

I quickly put an end to their banter. "Did you two listen to any of that?"

Applejack shook her head, Rainbow Dash nodded slowly, before thinking about it and proceeding to copy Applejack.

"I was listening..." Fluttershy answered meekly, her ears splayed.

'No one cares...'

I do.

"Right, so for those of you her weren't listening," I shot a look at the two card playing mares, "You lot are going to have to come with us, to the Hive, I'm leaving it up to the other two captains to figure out what you'll be doing. Including the princess. She will also have to take a job." Each of them nodded in confirmation.

I was hoping for moans of disappointment but: eh, close enough.

Then storm had cleared up now, and a lot of the guards had began wrapping up tents and putting out any campfires.

When I got back, Moon was supervising two guards taking down my tent.

"Real productive aren't you?" I quipped. This would be how we would usually begin conversations, a cheeky remark or an insult, and we would begineed talking, fucking around, just generally having fun.

"You'd prefer to see me all sweaty?" She smirked

"Maybe later," I paused. "What ideas do you have for our little stowaways?"

"Nothing, really. I know that the princess is gifted in all areas of magic.

"So, we could have her as a medic? Or maybe supporting troops from afar with shield spells?" I was using my combined knowledge of video game tactics, along with what I could remember about magic from Twilight's on-suite library.

"Valid, but as risky as it is, I'd like to bring the princess with us."

"Why!? She's a HVT, as well as my friend, so I'd still prefer her off the battlefield anyway."

"But you're perfectly fine with me going out there and risking my life?" Her reply made me groan.

"That's different, YOU are trained, quite a lot better than most of the peo- ponies here." I pointed over to the six, who had begun bringing down their tent, "THEY are not."

"Sir, Ma'am!" A guard called out to us, "we're ready to go, the only ponies we're waiting on are the EB's! Sir!" I'm guessing 'EB' means element bearer.

"Moon, you wanna take it from here? I'll just get in the chariot."

"Ok." She began, "-but before you go, she flew up to me again quickly tried to give me a peck on the lips when-

*YANK*

Twilight's aura had surrounded me and dragged me over.

"John, could you help with the tent?"

That just happened?

'Yes, it did. I'm just gonna do a full body check for curses.' I could feel Lavan shifting around inside me.

When did you get back a material form?

'Last night. I was pretty surprised when it happened, I'm just a blob, but it feels so good to stretch my metaphorical legs, even if I'm confined to your body.'

The chariot being circled by guards, most of whom were strapping various bits and bobs onto the side, or sitting on top of it, waiting until it was time to fly.

Those Pegasi who flew the chariot? Their wings actually look proportional, like each one had a span of two metres.

It was time to fly once again. Straight into the horizon, this time. I only had one thought going through my head as I boarded the chariot:

It must be a pain in the ass for those Pegasi to have to stare at the sun while they fly.

Author's Note

I haven't slept for approximately 43 hours.

I'm very tired. Let me just pass out for a second.

*THUMP*

Chapter IX: I'll Never Look At Telescopes The Same Way...

Turbulence rocked the chariot.

Most were asleep, only a few had fought against it.

I was among the latter group.

I looked around the cart. Twilight and her friends were given a wide berth, leaning on each other in a group as they slept, Pinkie was making some cat noises while she slept, most likely just to confuse me.

I KNOW HER GAME. SHE'S TRYING TO PUT ME OFF GUARD SO SHE CAN TURN ME INTO ICED BUNS.

I was just thinking about stuff.

Between going off to a place where I could potentially die and my lack of a coping system, I wasnt doing too well. It was getting bad enough for me to lose hours of sleep, even with the comforting embrace of Moonflower keeping me warm all night.

On the outside, I was staying calm, collected.

On the inside? I was terrified.

As I wrote this, my left hand was shaking constantly as I gripped the pen, while the other systematically stroked Moon's mane, pushing out a few happy purrs from her.

It was barely easing my nerves.

...

I don't want to die tomorrow.

Another sleepless night. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

We were steadily closing in on Alpha Hive, which from a distance, you could have mistaken for a more jagged and black version of that city from The Wizard of Oz.

'You see all that? That's made of chitin. Want to know something fun about Changeling chitin?'

Sure, I could do with some fun.

'It isn't fireproof.' the spirit grinned maliciously.

I'm not going to burn a city down, as badass as it might look.

A few others were waking up now, only the guards, the Six and Spike probably weren't used to getting up this early.

Alpha Hive was closing in fast growing larger with every second. A description? Imagine a hollowed out version of Canterlot Mountain, separated into spikes. There was one that stood far higher than the others, that was where I guessed the Queen was.

'I don't know why other villains always put themselves in the tallest tower, it never ended well if they couldn't fly.'

Because they have a superiority complex?

Lavan considered it, 'Probably.'

The entire structure was black, a few lines of green flowing down from the tip of each claw-like tower. Large ones were dotted up the side of each structure, not unlike what I guessed from Helix would be a normal changeling.

It looked like something from 'Alien'. Fitting, considering what Helix told me about Reavers.

Captain Swift, who I hadn't seen too much of the entire trip, actually, had suddenly appeared in the doorway to the outside.

Loudly, he whistled, waking up everyone. A few of the elements collapsed onto the floor in a heap, right on top of Spike, who's face had been buried under Rarity's tail in the process.

Moon pushed her barrel off of my chest, yawning loudly. "You're really comfy, you know that?" She mumbled, nuzzling under my chin.

It's been four days since we entered Mexicolt.

Over the last few days, Moon had been slowly breaking down my defences against the species barrier thing. I'm genuinely getting blue-balled consistently. It was usually one of the elements butting into our conversations, and on occasion, Moon was just called away for something by a guard.

"Maybe you just prefer being on top?" I quipped crudely, causing her to blush.

"And what if I do like being on top huh? Would you be uncomfortable going bottom?" She shot back.

"Not really. But you'd have to fight for it." I nipped her ear, a spot she was really fond of.

"Mmmm, I like a challenge..." She ran her sharp canines over my neck dangerously. "Think you can give me one?" She whispered in my ear.

Holy shit, Lavan, is there a species changing spell?

'Yes, there is. Are you thinking of going native or something?'

I'm thinking of turning Moon into a human. Because if I can, I'm thinking of doing some very dirty things to her right now.

'Damn dude, you became pretty bold over these last few days.'

I've had a mare lying on top of me for half of it. A rather good looking one as well.

'Can't fault your taste, mate. She has a very nice plot.' Lavan laughed.

I always was more of an ass man. I keep thinking about something the teen-John said.

'What?'

'Maybe if you stare at them long enough, they'll look human.' It's suprisingly accurate.

'It works like that with most inter-species relationships I knew of. Including mine.

Hopefully we live long enough to actually get home.

'Don't think about that. Think about how much fun we're going to have.'

Doing what?

'Burning things...' he admitted quietly.

Stop it, dude. I know you like to burn shit, but don't let it turn you into a physcopath.

Lavan shuffled about inside my body, which feels really odd, seeing as he goes through the circulatory system (Blood system, for any non-boffins).

'Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit more... burn-ish today.'

Stressed?

'Slightly over-excited.'

What? You mean 'over-excited' to burn sapient creatures to death?

'To fight again, it's been so many centuries since I've had a good fight.' Lavan reminisced.

*THUD*

for the fifth and final time on the outgoing journey, the two chariots dropped down simultaneously, landing on the arid dirt, littered witth sand, rather than the lush fields of green assoiated with Equestria.

This is the point whee I make some joke about the pathetic fallacy in the environment.

Well guess what? I'm too hipster for that!

And so, with my hipsteriority in mind, we set up the camp yet again.

One of the good things about keeping Twilight around was her interest in magic, it meant that I could figure out how to cast a jet of flame, instead of just fireballs.

So now I'm a walking flamethrower. If that doesn't sound cool, I don't know what does.

Illusion? I can disguise myself as Helix, based off of memory.

And of course I've been growing a goatee. Mostly because I haven't shaved in a while.

Someone packed that armour with us. You know, my Captain's armour.

The one that's enchanted to be fireproof.

Does no one remember that?

Oh well. Where was I? Ah. The camp was set up within the hour, this time the colours of the tents had been changed to orange using magic, under my orders. Can't have them seeing us can we? Moonflower and I were perched on top of a particular prevalent dune, using a telescope to try and map any entrances.

If we can sneak in, I can cause some hysteria and the others can get the prisoners out, keeping undetected, from there I should be able to get through to the Queen. I take her out, A pegasus swoops in and carries me out. Or a unicorn can teleport me.

That's the basic plan.

Of course shit never goes to plan anyway.

"You see anything?" I called out to my surveillance buddy.

"Nah, not too much. There's a patrol that have done four perimeter patrols and are just about to finish the fifth, so with luck, their shift is about to end and we can see where they go inside from." Moon declared as I put my head back against the ground. I looked around for a second before scratching Moon's right ear, eliciting a gasp from her.

"Staaahhp iiiit." She moaned, causing me to smirk playfully.

"You say no, but your body says yes~" I teased. She slapped my hand. Not very hard, but hard enough to get across her message. "You're no fun sometimes..." I harrumphed.

"I can guarantee you that I'm fun at other times." She winked before raising her plot slightly and shaking it.

"Really? How so?" I quipped. Her response was to make her eyes half-lidded, before turning the telescope upwards.

"Like this." She ran her tongue from the base to the tip slowly, before flicking the tip and putting her tongue back inside of her mouth. "That fun enough for you, John?" My jaw dropped.

'I have the weirdest boner right now.'

Took the words out of my mouth.

She wiped off the top of the telescope and reset it, locking back onto the five-man patrol again. And she's back to normal, just like that.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh..." ///ERROR CODE 404///

"CAPTAIN!" A night guard called out from behind us, still trotting towards us.

"Yes, Paladin?"

"Princess Twilight wants an update on any entrances you've found." She sighed, taking her eye from the bronze-gold telescope.

"We're tracking a patrol right now, in case they have an above ground entrance. We haven't seen anything, get some grey mages and see if you can detect any disruptive charms they might have put on the walls. That is all."

"Do you have anything to add, Human?" I shook my head in response.

"Nah, she's already said anything we were discussing. As a side note, do we have any water? It's boiling out here." The guard saluted before trotting off back to the camp.

"Now that we're alone..." I started.

"Hold up, I've got movement on the wall. They're... phasing into the wall! Must be a spectrum disruption spell. Crafty mother-buckers! Mark it." She pointed, and I shot a small bolt of flame, singing the dirt below it, turning it black.

She took wing and we hurried back to the camp, my steps and the flaps of her wings reflected in the sand.

We slid down the larger dunes, once or twice I grabbed her and we tumbled together, laughing as we rolled around in the sand.

We were sandy and itchy when the multicoloured dots that were ponies back at the camp were given shape.

But we were happy.

"Twilight!" I fell over as Moon tripped me, earning her a scowl. She just laughed. "Dammit Moon!" I yelled as the younger princess came forward to meet us.

"Have you found anything?" Twilight asked.

"Disruption charm-Gaaahkk" I spewed out before Moon could open her mouth.

"Hey! I was gonna say that!" She tackled me to the floor as I was getting up.

"Captains!" Twilight growled, blushing.

"Sorry about that Twilight." I admitted, slightly embarrassed.

"So there's a spectral disruption charm on the wall?" Moon and I nodded in sync. "I should be able to disintegrate it, unless it's much stronger than normal pony magic." As a side comment, she turned to me and added, "We haven't had many encounters with Changelings, so they're still largely an unknown."

I let out a small 'aah' of acknowledgement. "The spot's been marked with a burn, so we can prepare to set out and all that."

As I looked up, I noticed that guards, dressed in full armour had begun to form a circle, and Swift bad moved in to my right.

The other five EB's had closed in on Twilight, backing her.

"Actually, dude. I think we're all ready. It's only you who needs to get your dorky armour on." Rainbow dash commented as she looked around, seeing everyone. Ow, my pride (not).

I didn't really have a particular comeback to that, so I conceded.

"Well, ok then..." I walked over to the larger tent, which held a lot of the armour and weapons. My armour was one of the few remaining pieces.

A though crossed my mind: Holy shit, we're actually doing this.

'Keep it calm, John. We're going to live through this. I guarantee it.'

Easy for you to say.

'Trust me, it isn't.'

I came out of the tent minutes later, donning the robes. I had them magically dyed black, so I could sneak around in the darkness. Because Camouflage.

Moon and I led the group over to the marked spot, and we stopped at the telescope.

Twilight tried doing some rallying speech, but it was kind of sappy and boring so I'll skip it, like most other parts of my life that are way too boring.

And so we moved in on Alpha Hive.

Once Twilight had easily tore apart the charm they set on the entrance, we crept in, sticking close to the walls. About halfway down, anot her patrol of five crossed our path, and we hid.

These Changelings were not nearly as large as Helix, and there eyes were compound, like those you might find on a fly.

As they walked past, one lagged behind, before walking straight towards the place I had used that chameleon spell on.

Examining the wall, he took a large whiff, before snorting in my face and continuing on.

My heart was beating out of my fucking chest.

Once the changeling was out of range, I let out a sigh of relief, followed by about half the group.

'It's a nice rush, isn't it? Nearly getting caught.' Lavan mused.

I don't think my heart could take much more shit like that.

"You alright, John?" Moon asked from my side.

I stared down the way the patrol had moved. "...Yeah, just a bit shaken. I'll live. We continued on down the carved tunnel. As we moved forward, voices could be heard above us.

'There's a lot of them above us, maybe it's an outdoor area, possibly a market square or the City hall, if Changelings still have those.'

What were the Changelings like before?

'Hard to find. They mostly just lived as a small group in towns, usually a family. They fed off the ambient love energy given off by ponies... Stay on task, stop trying to put me off on a tangent.'

I thought that was working pretty well.

'Well you thought wrong, jackass.'

"Right, I go up from here, you guys need to split into groups of 5 and search for the prisoners." I turned to the EB's, "You girls can act as a six." Because otherwise they'll have a collective aneurysm.

Teams were quickly assembled, and we soon took our leave.

"Hey, Moon?" I asked as she was walking away, "Be safe." She smiled reassuringly.

"I will." She turned and her group followed her.

I was alone in the passage.

'We set? Let's get moving.'

Almost alone.

'Hey, not many people have the privilege of having a voice in their head AND staying sane.'

I feel so special.

'Yes John, you are VERY special.' Lavan quipped.

Let's give 'em a show up there, shall we?

'Exactly what I've been waiting for...' He grinned.

It was a normal day in Alpha. Changelings were doing their weekend runs, taking back their groce-

'WAPOW! LET'S GO BURN SOME SHIT!'

Then we erupted from the ground.

Illusion is so good for effects. I was using it to give me flaming wings of pure badassery, while I superheated the ground around me, giving it an eery red glow.

Those exercises Twi put me through, as well as Lavan's tips had increased my magic pool a lot.

Needless to say I had the attention of everyone.

"Queen Chrysalis, you inbred fuck! Get down here now, so I can beat the shit out of you! Or are you scared of a species that's far less evolved than your own!" I was trying to taunt her as much as possible. "Chrysalis, guess what? You mama so ugly, she would've looked better with more holes on her!"

I swear I heard a few calls of 'OHHHHH, SICK BURN!' from a group off to my left.

It took a few more minutes before she actually got here.

"Wow, bitch, you been eating too many donuts, you look fatter than when I saw you last. That was the time I fucked your mum, by the way!"

The largest looking changeling, who looked to be wearing a crown, growled and her eye twitched.

"Did I mention I had sex with another member of your family!? Well I DID!" Honestly, I was running on empty when it came to insults, I usually have more time to prepare before I do this kind of thing.

She shot me, a large jet of green electricity heading straight for me.

I just stepped out the way, before sending some fire back at her.

She dodged similarly...

Then I detonated the shot as it went past her.

Fire magic = OP.

She clearly wasn't expecting that and smashed into a small house, singed slightly from the blast.

After a moment of silence, I spoke. "Is that it? All this hype for just a one pump wonder? I mean I was ac-"

*ZAP*

A shot of similar green electricity hit me dead on, throwing me into the floor.

"A-A-A-A-H!" I tried to call out as I was electrocuted.

"I will enjoy feeding off of you... Ape."

"I'm not an ape..." I mumbled, the effect of the bolt leaving my system. "I'm a chimp, cheddar-legs."

And I let loose a jet of flame, trying to push her away.

It was effective, and gave me time to prepare an illusion of myself on the ground.

"You are pathetic." She walked up to my illusion and I crept behind her, invisible. "Did you really think you could beat a Changeling Queen?" I made my illusion scowl and she stomped on its face, dispelling it.

I had charged another spell in the meantime, a paralyzing spell, one which I got from Shining Armour, actually.

The spell hit her as she turned, freezing her body from the neck down.

I took a knee beside her, grabbing her horn. "Why did you take him? Helix." She looked confused for a second, before letting out a giggle. I found it really cute.

Hopefully Moon never reads that...

"You don't know? Didn't he tell you?" Now I was confused.

"Tell me what?" I asked, curious.

"He's a lot more than he let's on, Ape." I started bending her horn awkwardly.

"Tell me. Tell me what you've done to my friend right now, or I swear, I'll snap this little twig off and use it to cut vegetables when I get home. And not just any vegetables, messy vegetables, so it gets all sticky and blunt and dull." I ordered.

She grinned before I was tackled by one of those drones, the ones with the compound eyes.

Damn it, Lavan! You're were meant to be watching my back!

'Wait, I thought I was just along for the ride?'

The Queen teleported away, leaving me at the mercy of several drones which were closing in around me.

"Coward." I created a magical shock wave, throwing off the drones on my back and pushing back the others.

I was using up magic, and fast.

It can't have taken them that long to find the prisoners. Where are the guards and EB's?

'They literally just arrived.' Lavan answered as Rainbow Dash whistled past me, grabbing a changeling, then looping get and throwing it into Applejack's waiting buck.

A pink laser came from my left, as Twilight continued to mow down anything that got close.

The cavalry had arrived. And for six mares, they were beating a lot of Changelings.

"Twilight! Did you guys find anything?" I called to her.

She blasted a group of drones that were charging us. "No we didn't, we found a dead end, no hidden rooms, nothing at all. After that we came back, Rainbow Dash figured you could use the help." She shot across my left shoulder, nailing another Changeling behind me in the face.

"What do we do now, then? Apparently my friend was pretty important, so I need to find him. Are you alright holding off here?"

She nodded, "We'll keep them off of everyone while you search with them." I began to run towards the hole in had melted through the middle of the city as Twilight said one last thing to me. "Good luck."

'Hurry it up! The faster we get this done, the faster we finish off Chrysabitch.'

I jumped.

The fall was a bit rough, my bum and my legs hurt after landing, but I was still fully functioning.

"Aww, my ass hurts..." I clutched my precious buttocks.

'You'll survive, now get to it.'

Thank you for your concern, Cortana.

'You know, it's funny because your name is John.' I am Chief. It's confirmed.

Then where's my MLG magnum?

'You have fire magic. I'm pretty sure a pistol doesn't live up to that.'

I don't know how long I spent down there, but eventually I came across a familiar face.

"Moon?" I asked as I saw her amber eyes in the darkness, and she was followed by a few night guards.

"John! You're meant to be distracting them!" She scolded me.

It took me a minute to fully explain the situation.

"So your friend is now a HVT? D'you have any idea why?"

"It's something he hadn't told me. I wager, he didn't really reveal much to me." Thinking back to Helix, I thought of something: Where are those Reavers? Weren't they the main attack and defense force?

'Don't question your blessings, John.'

You're right.

"How much have you explored?" I asked.

"You just met us at a T-junction in the caves, so you accidentally ruled out a path. We'll try the other route."

And so we did that.

'Bingo!' Lavan celebrated.

We had found the prisoners.

Most were strung up in pods, pink tendrils seeping out threw their horns or their mouths. It was odd. Not really disgusting or creepily beautiful.

Just odd.

Theating others didn't share the sentiment, and were already cutting down ponies hastily, dropping them onto a gelatinous surface below them. Changelings were in cells, their condition not far off from Alcatraz.

I was setting them free, most of them would be against Chrysalis when they got out, orthey wouldn't kin her at the very least. I was melting the hinges of the cell gates one by one, a few Changelings I had gotten out were even helping me to do so.

At the very end, in a darker cell, chained to the floor, was Helix.

'She thinks he's dangerous, John. Be cautious.'

"Helix?" I spoke into the darkness, and his eyes opened, our gazes met and he smiled.

"Ah. John, I appear to be in a bit of a bad spot." He rasped, "You think you can find the keys for these chains?"

"Not needed," and I yanked the bars off of the small hole in the wall that counted as a cell.

Helix was surprised, "You've certainly been practicing."

"You ain't seen nothing yet, mate." I said as I melted apart the chainlinks.

"You shouldn't be wasting your magic like that..." He rubbed his wrists, fetlocks, I can't remember what it's called again.

"If you're what Chrysalis seems so afraid of, then it's worth it. So tell me: Why are you so special?"

He sighed, "I didn't want to have to tell you this but... I'm the only one who can claim the crown." I raised an eyebrow. "I may have 'manipulated' the truth, as it were."

"What did you lie about?"

"I was in the room when the Hive Mind's died, but... I wasn't a guard." He breathed, "I am the last Hive mind. That's why I'm a problem. Another thing is that she needs my permission to take control of the Reavers, so she's been torturing me." He chuckled, "she didn't even say 'please' or 'thank you'."

"Makes sense. So how do you claim the crown?"

"One must challenge her in the ways of old. A fight to the death, no magic from either advocate. If it's a successor, the King or Queen's young, usually a child will kill their parent in a ceremony to claim their succession." That's just nasty.

"Does it say anything about someone else using magic?"

He looked shocked before shaking his head and grinning maliciously. "No...No it doesn't...would you care to help a friend settle a bet, John?"

"Gladly."

I left Moonflower and her guards to continuing cutting down ponies. Me and Helix were discussing strategies when...

"You want to WHAT!?" I shouted as Helix told me his (frankly insane) idea.

"We can ride the thermal it creates. It should get us up to the throne room far faster."

"Right, apart from that being fucking stupid, how do we know it'll last all the way up the tower?"

"Because I believe you can do it." Helix said with the utmost confidence.

"If we die, I'm going to kill you again." I threatened as I climbed onto his back.

"I don't doubt it." He trotted along, unfazed by the sudden weight change.

We hit the surface within a few minutes, where Twilight and the bearers were still fighting, the princess was continuously firing off bolts, each having one just as powerful as the other, without showing any stress.

'Her magic pool has to be the size of a bloody ocean.' Lavan spoke, amused.

Probably. "We ready then?"

"Yep, takeoff in three, two, one-" Helix launched powerfully into the air. And the sounds of lasers, Bucks and party cannons was replaced by the rushing winds. Turning around, I shot flame backwards, causing us to be pushed higher by the heated air behind us. "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!" I yelled as we rocketed upwards.

To any normal passers-by, we would sound like a Boeing flying into your ear. I couldn't really hear much so I can't give my opinion.

We shot up the side of the black pillar, trailing two blazes of fire, like the Delorean from back to the furure

If it wasn't so terrifying, I might have been having fun.

It only took half a minute before we reached the top. From there Helix dropped me before looping and descending onto the plateau, creating a small crater as he landed.

"You been gaining weight?" I shot back as I looked at the indent in the floor.

"Enough banter. I must avenge my brethren." Sounds edgy.

The throne room was not too unique, in a way, it reminded me of Canterlot Castle, whites and golds were replaced with blacks and pulsating greens, like they were some sort of creature, wrapping itself around the room.

Instead of the stained glass windows, there were honeycomb patterns which looked like figures but I couldn't be sure.

As we walked through, flames lit up down the side of the silky grey carpet that let to a throne.
*Wap* and Helix was on the floor.

"Ah, Ape, I do believe we had some business to attend to."

"I thought there was meant to be honour in challenging the Changeling crown, from what he said."

Chrysalis stepped out of the shadows, laughing. "Did he issue a challenge? I didn't hear one." She threw his unconscious body to the wall.

"Now, where did we leave off again." Her eyes glowed green as her body began pulsing with energy.

I merely stood there as the light faded from the room, leaving us in darkness.

The only sound I heard was my laboured breathing and a small unconscious moan from Helix.

Then, quietly, in my ear.

"Ah yes, you were insulting my mother." Chrysalis whispered.

I'm so fucked.

Author's Note

If you're going to be doing some writing, I'd recommend listening to that new Coldplay album.

It really seems to get the creative juices flowing for me (if you know what I mean) when I listen to 'Hymn for the Weekend'.

Maybe I'm just a bit of a weirdo. :pinkiecrazy:

Chapter X: Abdication

Wait a minute!

Now I know to anyone reading this journal, it might seem a bit odd to cut out of the start of an epic pounding scene, but just to let you know...

You left the stove on.

*ZAP* I couldn't move.

"It is sooo amusing to watch you squirm." Chrysalis trotted forwards. "I do admit, it is rather satisfying to see prey under the hoof of predators." The bug stamped into my chest, cracking a rib or two, before fading into darkness

Ow.

Through the pain, I gained a new focus. The adrenaline stored in my system kicked in, and the pain, although it was still present, was numbed heavily.

"Are you ready to accept your fate, Ape?" She called out, her voice splitting off in several directions.

"Not yet." I set the entire floor on fire, revealing her and pushing her into the air. As soon as I had a lock on where she was, I shot a firebolt. Instead of dodging, she caught me off guard by curling it back around and sending it towards me with exact precision.

I absorbed it back into my body, suprising her.

"You are a rather accomplished mage aren't you? It took my years to figure out how to bring magic back into myself."

I've said it before, I'll say it again, I'm a fast learner." I was running on empty, trying to re-absorb heat from the room, not getting much, we were far up enough for it to get cold, the atmosphere was getting thinner.

With unimaginable speed, she shot towards me, charging me.

I barely dodged, the tip of her horn grazing my skin as she tried to slice with it. Not a second had passed and she had charged up another paralysis spell, I knew I wouldn't have time to dodge, so I tried to parry the shot off to a wall, using magic to bend it's path as it struck.

One of the honeycomb structures blew apart as the bolt impacted, sending debris flying everywhere. Picking up a cracked piece, I tossed it at the Queen.

With a flick of her head, and a light green tinge of magic, she atomized it.

"Do you see how pathetic you truly are?" She grabbed a larger piece, around the size of a small car, and lobbed it at me far harder. "Struggling." It smashed into the wall, and I barely got away from it without being smashed to a pulp. "Weak."

'John!'

I was so focused on what was happening, Lavan was barely noticeable.

I felt a drip of sweat slowly make its way down from my forehead.

I could hear the cracking of the rubble under my feet, and under her hooves.

"You didn't even realise who you were up against until now. I am Chrysalis, the Queen of the Changelings, and I shall be forever heralded as the one who put the ponies, and all those other inferior species in their place..." She laughed as she threw me against a wall opposite to Helix. "Beneath us!"

The impact had broken my left leg, and I felt a searing pain when she pulled me back towards her on it.

"AAAAGHHHHH! YOU FUCKING CRAZY BITCH!" I yelled. As she pulled me back, I reached out and found a sharp piece of stone, trying to slash at error with it, I hit my mark, although not very effectively.

Chrysalis was now sporting a small gash on her cheek where the rock had grazed her. She inspected the wound with a hoof, seeing the green blood on it, she scowled, putting pressure on my broken leg. "Look what you've done!" She showed me the blood soaked hoof. "You will beg for mercy before me."

"Go fuc-AHHHHHHHH!" I screamed out, hearing a nasty crunching as my leg broke further down the shin.

"Beg." It was not a request, it was an order, and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of obedience.

"I won't. Not to anyone. Not ever." She was amused.

"Humor me, then. Why not?" She smiled, a look of pure sadistic pleasure plastered on her face. Her left hoof still pressing firmly into my now twice broken leg.

"You aren't trying hard enough..." I joked weakly. My response was a jet of pain, injected into my spine.

I screamed so loud my voice ran dry.

"I will ask again: Why do you not beg, Ape? You are lucky I am so curious, otherwise you would already be the larvae's next meal."

"Because-." Every word, every breath had become a struggle now, my vision was hazy, my hearing muffled.

She laughed raucously, "Go on..." She teased the same pain back into my spine.

"Be-cause." I could hardly speak, "Helix is right behind you..." I whispered, my eyes slowly closing as I let the pain overtake me. She twisted her head around, looking at Helix's still unconscious form. "Ha-ha... Made you look..." I choked out weakly.

"I'm not done with you yet." I heard, as she shocked me back up to consciousness before doing that horrifically painful shit to my back. I couldn't even scream. I could only cry silently as tears dripped down my cheeks, and I yelled out in complete silence.

I was pathetic. I had never felt weaker than I had than in the prescence of that whore, she had tried taking me apart.

I would not be torn.

"Any last words?" I asked her.

She smirked at my choice of phrase. "Before you die, know that your friends can't help you. Anything on the other end?" She mocked.

"Expect the unexpected." She looked confused.

I let off a final bolt of fire, the last of my magic ebbing away. The resulting hit had seared off her left wing, leaving a stub in its place.

She yelped, slamming me back into the wall several times.

Ribs.

Right leg.

Arms.

All broken.

Once she was done, she was seething and her left eye was visibly damaged. Shaking with rage. "Wise words, I'll make sure to write it down." Those were her last words to me.

I closed my eyes, waiting for the spell that would end my life...

*Shlick* the sickening sound of flesh giving way echoed around my damaged cranium.

Chrysalis stood there, blinking rapidly, frothing at the mouth slightly.

It took me a second to realise that she was frothing her own blood, as it tried to escape through her mouth.

"You know..." the distinct voice of Helix called out from behind her, as a jade glow encompassed a shard of rock, now embedded in her neck. "...I always wondered how Queens bled." I could barely move. "I thought it would be different, but..." the male changeling shrugged.

"You..." She coughed up.

Helix locked a hoof into one of the holes on her horn, and had another one keeping her head in place. Then he snapped it. A couple black shards dropped to the ground, and Helix chucked me the horn.

"Yes, tis' I fair... well actually, unfair lady." Helix ripped the makeshift shank from her neck. "I have come to slay the fearsome beast, who lives in the tallest tower. It just so happens that YOU are the beast." He dragged her back to the balcony. She howled out, scraping at the floor, trying to tell him to stop.

"Plesh, I-iyl d' anefin!" She croaked, obviously missing a few vocal chords.

"Good." Helix said to her face, the colour still barely in her eyes and he carelessly hurled her from the balcony.

A few seconds after he muttered, "Do us all a favour and die then."

And that as the last we ever heard from Queen Chrysalis.

"Unn..." I groaned.

"Hey, John? That fight seemed pretty honourable, didn't it?" He trotted towards me, wiping some Changeling blood off of his face.

I nodded my head, that was the only thing I could do.

He hoisted me up on his back again. "I don't know any healing magic. I'll get you to someone who does."

I moaned before passing out into Helix's back.

*beep?

Rebooting...

*Beep*

Consciousness.exe initialised.

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

A heart monitor.

That has to be the longest dream I've ever had. I actually nearly fell in love with a figment of my own fucking imagination.

'Yeah, you are a complete freak.'

I know. I even dreamt that there was this complete prick in my head, who kept telling me to do stuff, and never shut up when I asked, and always fucked off when I needed him most.

'I know that feel, see I'm sharing a living space with this guy who has mental issues and a micro-penis.'

Fuck you too, asshole.

'Welcome back to the land of the living, John.

It really isn't good to be back.

My everything ached substantially.

'We're back in Canterlot, by the way. Looks like you caught up on that sleep you've been missing out on.'

Since when did they get heart monitors? Their technology is confusing me.

'Well actually, it's a bit complicated...'

The doors opened to the room, and I went lax, closing my eyes.

"Princess, I would advise against entering the room, we don't know what the Changeling leader could have done to him while he was unconscious!"

"This is a private affair, Doctor Hoof. It is of the utmost importance that you leave." Celestia. Wouldn't of guessed she was my first visitor.

'She wasn't, Moonflower and Twilight Sparkle have visited you several times. You even got a visit from Discord a few hours ago.'

The door shut, and Celestia sighed. "John, I know you're awake." I stayed still.

Celestia dropped something rather harshly onto my lap, giving me a twinge in the broken leg. "Explain. Now."

Peeking, I saw the journal I am currently writing in.

Lavan waved about uneasily. 'Does she know?'

Yes, she knows.

"Now, first: Why did you refrain from telling me you had an... evil spirit trapped inside of you." I yawned, spring any chances of convincing her I was asleep.

"Uhh... it wasn't..." ideas passed through my head, "Really on my mind?"

Lavan facepalmed inside of me.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "It didn't cross your mind that you were harboring a fugitive in your own mind?"

I paused, "No..."

Lavan double-facepalmed. 'John, stop embarrassing yourself and tell her I want to talk to her.'

"Lavan wants to say hello."

Then Lavan decided to figuratively throw me into the backseat.

"Hello, Tia.' Lavan smiled.

"Get out of him, now. I will not have you corrupt him and those around him with your prescence."

"Well, the problem is... I kinda need him."

"So if I extract you from him, you would be powerless?"

"Yep. Of course, we could just pretend I don't exist, I mean, that worked well the last time didn't it?" Lavan shot at the princess, causing her eyes to widen.

"Well, I didn't mean to... I thought that you were cheating!" The princess argued.

"I was talking about putting me into the mountain." Lavan deadpanned.

I sighed from inside my own head. Lavan, can you discuss relationship problems later, please?'

"John wants control back." And I could use my own body again.

"That felt weird." I stated blankly.

"Along with the problems that hiding Lavan gives you, there's this." She skipped to a different page.

'Even if Equestria never exists.'

"Well, you kinda got me there. I was really looking forward to not getting beheaded yet. So go prepare the guy, or whatever you do here."

"I was actually planning to have you learn how magical this place is, and how a world without it would be worse off, but now that I think about it..." She looked like she was genuinely contemplating that.

"Don't piss around with me, Celestia. Tell me whether I'm going to die or not."

Her ears twitched, and she moved back slightly, "We will talk about this later."

"How do you know I won't just escape?"

"Just a bit of mare's intuition, Captain Smith."

Then Twilight trotted in, her posture distinctly somber. "Hello princess, I didn't know you visited John?"

"Wait, Celly visits me!?" I questioned from the bed, and Twilight dropped something she was carrying.

"John! You're alive!" She practically leapt up to me. "What happened to you? All we saw was a big changeling put you down and wave us over!" She practically yelled.

"Woah, Twi. Ease up on the hugs, your kinda collapsing my rib cage." I got out weakly. She moved off of me, blushing. "Thanks. Celestia over here says you've been visiting me, is that true?"

She nodded profusely, "Of course! I'd do the same for any good friend I knew."

'You just got so friend zoned.' Lavan commented, sniggering.

I really care. I mean, I'm drowning the entire hospital with my tears of overwhelming care.

"Cool, you seen Moon anytime she visited? I need to talk to her about something." Twilight shook her head.

"Sorry, John. I haven't seen the captain much at all." Her face lit up. "The doctors said we'd be able to do the healing spell once you awoke, so I can get them now, and we'll be back to Ponyville in a few hours!" Why is she so excited?

'Because she'll get to see you naked again when you two do inter-species biology?'

That really isn't how I imagine it.

'Of course you don't expect it!' Lavan humorously added.

"Right, is Spike back in Ponyville? And the others as well?" I recieved two small yep's from the younger princess. "Well that's good...How's life been for the last few days? Mine hasn't been too funny, I assure you." I joked, getting a laugh from Twilight in return.

"Not much, but we've gotten the finished contract spells from Starlight, so you should be able to say goodbyes to your family, or if you want, we can just send you back..." She paused, saddened. "But, I'd like you to come back... and so would everypony else, I promise." She smiled through her little moment of depression.

I don't have anyone who needs me holding me to Earth.

'What do YOU want, John? Don't let that decision be influenced by Twilight.'

Fuck it: "I'm coming back. Fuck Humanity, the economy was screwed anyway, and some idiot's were about to screw it up even more." I just need to grab some shit.

During the conversation, I hadn't noticed Fat Princess walk out. (Seriously, have you seen the amount of 'junk in the trunk' she has?)

'Yes, I have. And that ass is mine.'

I thought you two broke up?

'IT WILL BE MINE, ONCE AGAIN! ' Lavan vowed triumphantly.

Sure it will.

Night had fallen on Canterlot once more.

The stars were out, not obscured by light pollution like they would be in any Human city.

I had a nice view out of the window, the moon on the horizon as it crept upwards in the manner it had done for billions, upon billions of years.

And there was a Thestral flying through the window.

"John? You awake?" Moonflower whispered as she trotted up to the bed-side.

I decided to tease her a bit by staying quiet.

"John?Joh- EEEE," she yelped as I grabbed her and hoisted her up to me.

"Gotcha." I playfully smiled, and she reciprocated.

"Yep, you got me. So I've been kind of... itchy again lately." She flirted, "would you mind?" Sticking her wings out, she looked me in the eyes, orbs that shone a glorious amber.

"My pleasure." And I began scratching at her again.

"Lower." She commanded.

I went higher.

Mock-scowling, she put her face in front of mine once again, and she became all that I could see as her wings enclosed over us, giving us full privacy from the outside world.

"No more interruptions." And she dived towards my face...

And began shouting.

"*MEEP* *MEEP* *MEEP*" Moon yelled into my ear. WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT!? I WAS ASLEEP!

"I believed it was time for you to wake up, Captain." Luna...

"Right, I get it. I'm sorry for rubbing you the wrong way Luna, now: Would you kindly leave me alone?" I threw the pillow over my face.

"And that reaction is going to help you? You are being childish." She scolded me. I am actually going to shove the IV monitor up her anus.

"Just... leave me alone. I wish to wallow in my injuries."

*snap* and her horn lit up.

And she shoved the bone back into place, and healied it with some magic. She then did the same for all the broken bones I had.

To say it hurt wouldn't really do the experience credit.

"There. Your injuries are healed." Luna affirmed, "If thou did not act like such a cretin during thine time in Canterlot, then I would not be so abrasive. Unfortunately, thou decided to insult us, steal the works of Starswirl, then not even have the courtesy to bring them back!" She was furious by the end of it.

I sighed, the pain from her little skeletal adjustment ebbing away. "I get it, I'm an asshole. Now let me get on with my life."

"Thou shall be on the next train to Ponyville. I suggest you make haste, as it is meant to arrive in thirty minutes." She looked at me while I did nothing, "I do not except thine apology. Yet."

"Am I going to have to do setting to get in your favour? I really don't want to..." I bemoaned.

She nodded, "Yes, we shall discuss it at a later date. John the Human."

"Fine. Do you have anything I can wear? I'd rather not walk naked through the streets of Canterlot."

'It's not like they'd have much to look at...' Lavan sniped.

That joke isn't even funny anymore.

'Ok, I'll stop with the dick size jokes.'

You think you could do that thing where you take over my body to get us to the station? I can be bothered to get up right now. Lavan assumed control, and got me up.

'Your clothing is on a chair to the side of you. Farewell." And Luna teleported away.

Lavan dressed me, and we left the hospital for the station,one of the doctors tried to stop us, but Lavan dismissed it. As we bumbled through the cobbled streets of Canterlot, most ponies took less notice of me than usual, so I took that as a sign that they were becoming less snobby, or just getting used to me. I bought a sandwich from a cafe not far from the train station, the place was called Donut Joe's or something. I'm surprised I didn't find this while I was stuck in Canterlot for a month. The train was late, so I can confirm that it's a universal thing, for trains to NEVER be on time. I, meanwhile, had been looking at an interesting piece of news.

ELEMENTS OF HARMONY RESCUE IMPRISONED CHANGELING SLAVES

It was reported by Princess Celestia herself, that in an operation led by Twilight Sparkle, 200 ponies have been set free from chambers deep under the Changeling hive. Later in an interview, Twilight Sparkle said that "The real heroes are the royal guard who cut them free while we held off the Changelings from the outside...". Reports have said that the fighting came to an abrupt end, shortly before the corpse of changeling queen: Chrysalis, was seen plummeting from the tallest tower, as evidence was gathered, it was revealed that new captain of the Arcane Guard, John Smith, singlehoofedly fought the Queen until he was incapable of movement, leading to the soon to be crowned King of the Changelings, Helix, had thrown her from the balcony. More on this story on Pg.23, more on John Smith and Arcane Guard on Pg.24.

Because it's me in the news, I skip to page 24.

NEW SECTION OF ROYAL GUARD FOUNDED BY PRINCESS SPARKLE AND MYSTERY CREATURE: JOHN SMITH

One month ago, residents in Canterlot would have seen a yellow sofa rolling down the high streets of Canterlot, piloted by a strange creature now known as a 'Human', Minotaur ambassadors who were in the area commented, "His species has been the basis for our society, most new technologies, such as the Ponyville hydroelectric dam, various equipment used in hospitals, and even video games, along with other complex machinery created by Minotaur technology experts: MinoSoft, have been reverse engineered by relics discovered in ruins by Minotaur archaeologists, which are believed to have been cities, located under New Pork, Talondon, and even Maris." These relics are displayed in a museum, built in Minos, the Capital of Greece. (See fig.2).

The picture appeared to be a collection of trinkets from modern day Earth, an IPhone, split in two. The front end of a Jeep, and a double-barrel shotgun. I really need to get there at some point...

THE CREATION OF THE ARCANE GUARD

Not much could be gleened from the royal guards, but one witness says "I dunno, seemed a bit... on the spot, if you ask me. Like the Princesses forgot, and the Human just made 'em realise." The Human has apparently raised the point of why Princess Sparkle was not guarded whatsoever, and the princesses deemed it's creation necessary, at which point the Human volunteered.

As the tooting of the train became apparent, Lavan folded up the newspaper. 'For educated guesses made by reporters, those are fairly damn accurate.'

We departed Canterlot quickly, and I let the light chugging of the train become a metronome for my own thoughts.

When I go for the resources trip to 2016, what do I get? Essentials? Enough Coca-Cola to recreate the stuff, then sell it as my own? Ponies are into sugary stuff, to my knowledge so it could end up making me a richuge son-of-a-bitch... hell, why don't I just hoard loads of tech?

'Why don't you ask Twilight if you can even take stuff back, for all we know, this shit could transport us back and forth like a terminator.'

Fair point, actually. We need to get the specifics of this time travel stuff at some point.

Luna's reasons for telling us to go now became apparent when Twilight Sparkle strolled onto the train in front of me, Spike in tow.

Let's see which carriage they're in then

'Nah. Wait a minute. We'll troll them.' and Lavan cast an invisibility spell, following them into the train. Our targets were unassuming as we slipped into the carriage just before the door closed.

Spike sighed, "Twi, there's no use worrying about it. John'll be alright. He seemed pretty tough when I was there." Spike consoled the bothered alicorn.

"I know Spike... it's just- he's from a highly advanced race that predates ours! He has nearly unlimited amounts of knowledge, and a mental capacity higher than most ponies. He said that fourteen-year-old's were taught quadratics! Most ponies have a hard time getting a grip on some of the mathematics, and it took Equal Value thirty years to figure out some of the higher level rules of mathematics. That mathematic prowess hasn't been seen before! Can you imagine what he'd be able to solve? He knows what happened before the planet was even a few rocks bunched together! His species has credible theories for nearly anything you can imagine! John is-"

"Right here. Thank you for the compliments Twilight." 'Get back in control, John.'

Will do. I assumed control of my body again, and disabled the invisibility. Twilight's face was fully flushed, red as a tomato, and Spike was cracking up. "Hi." I said plainly.

"She- she just- oh Celestia, that's great!" Spike gasped out, laughing his head off.

"JOHN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!? YOU SHOULD BE IN THE HOSPITAL!"

"Luna did some... healing magic on me. I'm fine, see?" I flexed my arm, showing off my meager, scrawny little muscles.

"Bu- Buh-"

"Twilight, I'm fine, let's just get back to Ponyville." She looked a bit indignant about getting cut off, but ultimately just sat across the seat, near the window and let her blush slowly fade.

"How do ponies even blush anyway?" I asked as the slow chugging of the train became apparent.

Twilight was happy to tell me.

No one shall ever know the secrets of pony blushing.

Author's Note

For those who didn't read the blog, I'm taking a short break from FireStarter to have a look at some new stories, so updates will either slow, or be non-existent for a short while.

There's a one shot clop.

A HiE where a baby is transported to Canterlot, and taken care of by the Sparkle family. It deals with his life, as the middle sibling between Twilight and Shining.

This one is more of a concept than the other two, which are being written, but basically a guy with Multiple Personality Disorder wakes up in a hydra body.

They are all HiE's because I'm an unoriginal NONE A' YO BUSINESS!

ALT Chapter X: "Cuddle Bug"

Wait a minute!

Now I know to anyone reading this journal, it might seem a bit odd to cut out of the start of an epic pounding scene, but just to let you know...

You left the stove on.

*ZAP* I couldn't move.

"It is sooo amusing to watch you squirm." Chrysalis trotted forwards. "But I must finish this quite soon." Then she stamped into my chest, cracking a rib or two, before fading into darkness

Ow.

Through the pain, I gained a new focus. The adrenaline stored in my system kicked in, and the pain, although it was still present, was numbed heavily.

"Are you ready to accept your fate, Ape?" She called out, her voice splitting off in several directions.

I absorbed it back into my body, suprising her.

"You are a rather accomplished mage aren't you? It took my years to figure out how to bring magic back into myself."

With unimaginable speed, she shot towards me, charging me.

I barely dodged, the tip of her horn grazing my skin as she tried to slice with it. Notwo a second had passed and she had charged up another paralysis spell, I knew I wouldn't have time to dodge, so I tried to parry the shot off to a wall, using magic to bend it's path as it struck.

One of the honeycomb structures blew apart as the bolt impacted, sending debris flying everywhere. Picking up a cracked piece, I tossed it at the Queen.

With a flick of her head, and a light green tinge of magic, she atomized it.

"Do you see how pathetic you are?" She grabbed a larger piece, around the size of a small car, and lobbed it at me far harder. "Struggling." It smashed into the wall, and I barely got away from it without being pulp. "Weak."

'John!'

I was so focused on what was happening, Lavan was barely noticeable.

I felt a drip of sweat slowly make its way down from my forehead.

I could hear the cracking of the rubble under my feet, and under her hooves.

The impact had broken my left leg, and I felt a searing pain when she pulled me back towards her on it.

"AAAAGHHHHH! YOU FUCKING CRAZY BITCH!" I yelled. As she pulled me back, I reached out and found a sharp piece of stone, trying to slash at error with it, I hit my mark, although not very effectively.

"Go fuc-AHHHHHHHH!" I screamed out, hearing a nasty crunching as my leg broke further down the shin.

"Beg." It was not a request, it was an order, and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of obedience.

"I won't. Not to you. Not ever." She was amused.

"Humor me, then. Why not?" She smiled, a look of pure sadistic pleasure plastered on her face. Her left hoof still pressing firmly into my now twice broken leg.

"You aren't trying hard enough..." I joked weakly. My response was a jet of pain, injected into my spine.

I screamed so loud my voice ran dry.

"I will ask again: Why do you not beg, Ape? You are lucky I am so curious, otherwise you would already be the larvae's next meal."

"Because-." Every word, every breath had become a struggle now, my vision was hazy, my hearing muffled.

She laughed raucously, "Go on..." She teased the same pain back into my spine.

"I'm not done with you yet." I heard, as she shocked me back up to consciousness before doing that horrifically painful shit to my back. I couldn't even scream. I could only cry ilently as tears dripped down my cheeks, and I yelled out in complete silence.

I was pathetic. I had never felt weaker than I had than in the prescence of that whore, she had tried taking me apart.

I would not be torn.

"Any last words?" I asked her.

She smirked at my choice of phrase. "Before you die, know that your friends can't help you. Anything on the other end?" She mocked.

"Expect the unexpected." She looked confused.

I let off a final bolt of fire, the last of my magic ebbing away. The resulting hit had seared off her left wing, leaving a stub in its place.

She yelped, slamming me back into the wall several times.

Ribs.

Right leg.

Arms.

All broken.

Once she was done, she was seething and her left eye was visibly damaged. Shaking with rage. "Wise words, I'll make sure to write it down."

*whap*

"She's out cold, John. Don't worry, I'll teleport you to your friends." Helix said as I drifted off.

--Many months later...--

"Attend to me, Chrysalis."

The former queen sighed. "Yes, Master..."

Life had been easy in Sparkle Castle, my harem had increased to 50,000 mares today, and my personal maid Chrysalis was just dressing me for my meeting with Celestia.

"All done, Master." She said as she straightened my tie.

"Thank you. I shall make sure to reward you justly upon my return.

And I jumped in the batmobile I had commissioned, and set off to Canterlot, the wind at my back, and the theme song in my ears...

*MEEP* *MEEP* *MEEP*

I woke up in the hospital and soon Celestia began talking to me. But all I could think about was...

Damn it, just a dream...

Author's Note

I am genuinely high right now.

Yet again, this never happened.

Ever.

Edit: Story got featured. HELL YEAH! Thanks to everyone who reads this!

it totally didn't happen ages ago and I only just realised...

Chapter XI: "Are We Nearly There Yet?"

The train ride was uneventful, aside from my surprise appearance that left Twilight flustered for quite a bit.

Twilight had left for some reason when I wasn't paying attention, leaving me and Spike alone in the carriage. As I was using an un-inked quill to get some of the dirt out from underneath my nails, Spike began talking.

"Are we nearly there yet?" Spike asked, lying down on the seat lengthways and staring blankly into the ceiling.

"No." I replied bluntly, my head propped up against the window of the locomotive.

"Are we nearly there yet?"

"No." I sighed, seeing where this was going.

"Are we-" he began.

"If you ask that again, I will show you the most annoying noise in the world." Spike promptly backed off from the demonic powers of Dumb and Dumber. It took a few seconds before the dragon began reading another of his comics. "How many of those do you have?"

"I have all 364 issues." He stated proudly. "I even have Power Ponies: Origins! You know how difficult that is to find? There's only three-hundred intact issues left of it!"

"Power Ponies?"

Spike gasped. "You don't know who the Power Ponies are? They're only the best superhero team ever!"

I raised an eyebrow. "The Human ones are better." I grinned as he went into full comic kid mode.

"What's so good about the Human ones then?" He crossed his arms.

"Well...Avengers or Justice League. Pick a name."

"Avengers sounds cooler." Of course it does. I rolled my eyes.

"Right, first off. You have Captain America..."

Much exposition about some guys in spandex, metal suits, and one seriously hot chick in a tight fitting suit later...

"...And that's basically that." I concluded, having summed up a decade's worth of films.

"Those were pretty cool...but Power Ponies are still better."

I explained the Justice League.

"Power Ponies are still better."

'This kid...'

I know right.

'John, let go of your nerd rage.' Lavan said consolingly.

I'm trying to, man, I'm trying.

Twilight chose that moment to trot back in, defusing the situation unknowingly.

"Spike, the ponies down at the bar are selling gem ice cream." Looking at Twilight the drake got a little Sparkle in his eye (see what I did there) and he quickly took off, practically flying down the carriage.

"He really likes ice cream, doesn't he?" I already knew about the whole 'dragons can eat gems' thing a while back.

Twilight laughed nervously. "Yeah... he sure does. Umm... John, about the whole Math rant I had? Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that at all." I raised an eyebrow incredulously.

"Twilight, you have nothing to apologise for. Really."

She was surprised at how well I took that, for some reason. Her ears perked, hearing something out of my range of audio perception, probably.

I really need to get a book on biology... nothing makes sense whatsoever here.

"Gah... Spike's probably going nuts with the ice cream again. I'll be back in a second."

"M'kay." I blinked.

Twilight slipped out of the room, leaving me alone.

'You still have to put up with me, you Muggle.'

I'm literally the only non-Muggle human.

'Details...' Lavan's voice seemed to drown out as be spoke. 'Earth to John? Hellooo...' Not another one...

"Uncle John?" Tom asked from the back seat, and I looked at him through the rearview mirror.

"Yeah, Bud?" Of course we had to get to the junction as the lights turned red.

"Are we nearly there yet?" He asked, smirking.

"Maybe."

"Are we nearly there yet?"

"Thomas! Stop bothering your uncle!" My older sister hissed.

"Lucy, it doesn't bother me. Wait, is Maddie still asleep?" I couldn't see my niece as her seat was in a rather awkward position.

Lucy nodded as the traffic lights turned Amber and I put my foot back near the accelerator.

After a turn or two, we came up on my brother-in-law's workplace.

"John, just turn in here. Rob'll be here in a sec, his shift just ended, so I'm gonna quickly grab some stuff from the store." I acknowledged her and once I had pulled over, she hopped out of the left hand passenger seat.

A few minutes later, Rob appeared and got in the back seat, next to his son.

"Alright mate?" I asked.

"Good, thanks. Where's Luce." I always found something odd about that nickname.

"Just going to the Co-op. She'll be back in a minute." I began tapping my fingers rhythmically along the wheel. Feeling a bit of warmth from the heated steering wheel of the car.

Slowly, and rather strangely, my hands got hotter, and I found myself unable to remove my hands from the wheeI. With little warning the warmness transformed a searing heat. My hands were on fire, licking and crackling on all parts of my body and the world suddenly started burning at the edges, like paper. I could see the steering wheel melt out of my hands, and the fuel caught fire bathing those behind me in fire. Still, my hands pulsated with that torrent of heat, and I could hear screaming from the back as an unfamiliar smell reached my nose.

Burning flesh.

As the world faded, I knew that if I looked back, I would only see horror.

"John!?" Twilight shook me, moving me from whatever episode I was having.

"Mhmm, yes Twilight." I spoke, the calm in my voice betraying nothing.

"You were unresponsive!"

"I was asleep."

With your eyes wide open?" She deadpanned.

'We're going to have to talk about that at some point.'

Not happening.

"Yep, I do that sometimes." Please buy it...

She made an unsatisfied 'hrmmm' and plopped herself back on the seat, closely followed by Spike, how was eating (I shit you not) A ruby strawberry ice cream cone.

Rubies. Like the priceless gem.

That just isn't natural.

I noticed my left hand was shaking uncontrollably, and so I quickly moved it out of Twilight's peripheral.

The uneventful train ride over, The Elements and Spike had a little group hug, it was cute, although I'm pretty sure Spike had a hand on Rarity's ass.

What a lad.

My first thoughts as I walked off: "Well shit, who do I talk to without Helix?"

'Maybe the one who lives in your head?'

That is a possibility...but as much as I enjoy the bants with my cranial roommate, I need friends.

'Maybe you should go do some trials in West Ham.'

I don't want football friends. Also, if you start referencing 'The Inbetweeners' I'll put on DYE fantasy again, and we both know how much you enjoyed that the first time. IT'S NOT CALLED SOCCER, ITS FOOTBALL.

'You've made your point. Maybe you should talk to those three. Lavan motioned towards the fillies in front of me, each of them possessing similar marks on their plots.

Not that I was looking.

'You pedophile!'

Unexpectedly, they spotted me, circling like sharks around a bleeding sea turtle.

"Woah! That's the thing Twili-" the orange pegasus blurted out, only to be stopped by a yellow hoof. How the other one managed to stay stable while on three hooves, and not paying attention to walking, I will never know.

"Scoots! We weren't meant to talk about that!" She scolded, the second sentence in more of a harsh whisper.

"Why are you circling me? It's creepy." They immediately stopped.

"Hello, I'm Sweetie-Belle." Her voice cracked in a way that I'm pretty sure my sister couldn't match. "That's Scootaloo." She pointed to the orange pegasus.

"And Ah'm Applebloom!" Clearly related to Applejack.

"I'm John."

"Do you have a cutie mark?" That sounds gay as shit (no offense to any homosexuals that get there appendages on this book. I'm looking at you, Celestia.(Yeah I just called you a lesbian, then made a bracket inside a bracket to emphasise a point: WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, BITCH?))

"Nope."

"Sounds like he and your brother'd get along AB." Scootaloo observed.

"Really? Maybe that's how we'll get our-Ah, gosh darn it! Ah keep thinkin' we still don't have 'em."

"Yeah, but who says... Where are you going?" Scootaloo trailed off, seeing me edging out of the conversation.

"Away." I sped up, moving away quickly.

"Hey! Wait up!" The three fillies began chasing me, pursuing me through the relatively quiet streets of Ponyville until I ended up in a dead end alley while trying to take a short cut.

"No." And I went invisible, that was most likely a waste of magic, but what can you do?

The persistent trio gasped. "Where is he? He just disappeared!"

Tiptoeing around, I walked over my pursuers, slyly evading them.

"Dang! We could've helped him get his cutie mark!" Lel wut.

"Bloom, it doesn't matter. What if he couldn't even get a cutie mark? He's not a pony."

"Shucks, everypony gets cutie marks don't they? I saw a Hippogriff with one once."

"Maybe...I don't think I've seen a creature like before so we probably can't assume that he can have one." Sweetie Belle began, before Applebloom cut her off.

"We need to help him!" The three fillies argued with each other as I moved.

'Don't be scared John. Fillies can smell fear. Trust me.'

How do you know this?

'...Celestia's into some kinky shit.'

Is that your answer to everything creepy you ever spew out? A mumbled 'yes' told me that it was.

Then Murphy struck.

I tripped over a bottle that was lying on its side next to a rubbish tip(*).

"Oh shit!" I yelled as I fell on my ass.

Thankfully, my sweet cheeks took the brunt of the blow, and I was running again quickly, despite my aching buttocks.

"Girls, There he is! Let's get him!" Scootaloo motioned towards me with a hoof as she hopped onto a scooter.

And so the chase began once again.

Don't ask me why I didn't tell them I couldn't get a cutie mark.

Seriously don't.

Now, where was I?

The Crusaders were in hot pursuit as I swerved through the streets, eventually ending up in a gingerbread house, Pinkie's workplace, if Twilight was telling the truth.

Leaping over the counter and startling a plump blue mare, I ran into the kitchen, trying not to fall over a load od spoons and forks and stuff on the floor. I also got a quick 'hi' from Pinkie as I exited out the backdoor (Tee Hee Hee). The CMC were still tailing me, and on the straighter runs, were gaining on me.

Then I realised: Princess Twilight! She should be able to help with this! I turned, heading get towards the palace, the trio of terror in tow.

Bursting through the front doors, I hurried across the room where I was almost arrested a month ago.

Damn. It's been a while. Long enough for the authorities back home to give up on finding me. That didn't matter right now, I had to find Twilight.

From this end of the room I could see an open door, where a lavender pony had just walked past.

'Target acquired.'

Looking around, the gaggle of fillies were still on my tail, although the pegasus had at some point acquired a scooter, using her wings as a little motor to power herself towards me, bridging the gap quickly.

"C'mon... almost at the door..." I muttered under my breath, the orange pegasus only a few metres behind me.

"Wait!" She cried out, making me look back, a wrong move, as when I continued looking ahead, my face (especially my nose) decided to say a very enthusiastic hello to the door.

'Wow, you're stupid.'

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

The pegasus and her two friends had caught up to me now, and began dragging me away; struggling I called out, hoping that the princess would hear me. "TWILIGHT! HELP, I'M BEING ABDUCTED BY MIDGETS!"

'Again?'

Dude, what are you talking about?

'Never mind.'

Twi had apparently heard me: she quickly burst through the doors, "Again!?" She yelled out.

The three fillies and Twilight's eyes met, and she began looking at us oddly while I was slowly dragged across the floor by my right leg.

"Twi, this is the first I've been abducted, Let alone by the vertically impaired." She shook her head, moving past that conversation.

"Girls, why are you taking John away?"

They unceremoniously dropped my leg, leaving me face down on the floor.

"He needs to get his cutie mark, so we decided to help him." They replied in sync, as if it was more obvious than Moonflower's advances on me.

"John can't get a cutie mark, no-human can." A dawning look of realisation was visible on each fillies face.

"I told ya so..." I heard whispered from behind me, followed by a light thump. "Ow! What the hay was that for?" The unicorn filly grumbled as the pegasus glared at her.

The door behind Twilight opened, and yellow-orange unicorn with a bacon like mane pushed through the doors, moving to Twilight's side and facing me. "Twilight, why is there a human on this side of the portal?" Portal?

"He's different from the ones you've interacted with, Sunset. Look closely; you'll see the differences."

"Sup, I'm John." Guess who said that.

"Sunset Shimmer." She replied.

"Your hair looks like bacon." I stated, my appetite catching up with me.

"Yep, doesn't taste like it though." I swear ponies are herbivores, maybe she's just an odd case? "So why are you here then? Twi said she'd need some help casting a time spell. I'm guessing you are the one it's for?"

"Astute observation. It's a round trip not a one way, FYI."

She turned to Twilight, " guessing you're using contract magic, right?" Twilight gave an affirmative, "Where's the third caster? Contracts usually take around three these days, don't they?"

"Our third is still creating the contract, but she'll be done in a week."

"A week!? When is this Guy going to? The Pre-Discordian era?" She said, shocked at the strength of such a contract that it would need at least a week until it was fully written and charged.

Contract spells are basically a mixture between rune magic (said runes are written on the scroll) and spell magic (it activates the runes, charging them extremely quickly and with an excessive amount of strength for a spell).

"It's having a week to charge. I even managed to ask the princesses to aid with it."

"Wow... both princesses, how far are you going then? More importantly, how'd you get here?"

"Long enough for an entire civilization that had colonised just about every inch of land on the planet to fossilize and have nearly every material trace completely destroyed, buried, then for every law in genetics, most laws of physics and biology to be completely fucked up the ass then spitroaste-" I began, ignoring her second question.

Twilight gave me a glare and shushed me, pushing the three fillies out with her magic.

"-You get the point; I'm going back a long way." I continued.

Twilight gasped, seemingly remembering something important before rushing out the door.

'I'm getting bad vibes from that Sunset mare. Her magic signature's all over the place. She has enough harmonic magic surrounding her to have been hit with the Elements of Harmony twice, along with a chunk of dark stuff.'

The mare began looking awkward as I scrutinized her, something I hadn't really seen ponies do that often. Most are completely fine with being stared at, because they're weird or something.

"Uhh... Can you not?" She asked, "People don't usually stare like that." First pony I've heard say people instead of ponies.

"Sorry, most ponies don't really react to it. I guessed it was a species thing."

"Oh, it is," Knew it! "I've just spent a few years with humans. Your kind's habits tend to rub off; I woke up today as a pony and tried putting on a shirt and skinny jeans. It didn't work out."

Staring at her sizable plot, slightly bigger than most, certainly more so than Twilight's, I responded: "I can imagine..."

'Do not let her posterior tempt you, John. I have lost people to much bigger buttocks than that.'

I sense a story.

'Maybe when you're older.'

Twilight hurried back in with a pile of A5 size papers, or at least close to that size.

"John! You need to organise these alphabetically by two days, the student Magi are meant to be here in three! Each of these are personal timetables I have structured myself to make each day as efficient as possible, organise by first name, have them back to me as soon as you can. " Twilight motor-mouthed out.

Where the hell did that come from? "Okay then." I re-entered the conversation I was having with Sunset. "Did you turn yourself human while you were there?" I can imagine that it wouldn't have ended well if she started waltzing around in the middle of a city.

"It was a side effect of the portal, it turns dragons into dogs though, for some reason. I'm not sure what it'll do to anything else."

"Do you have the portal with you? I'd like to check it out." She nodded, waving me back into the room she and Twilight originally appeared from. I set down the pile of timetables, and walked through into a large library, presumably the one Spike got those books for me a long while ago.

The portal itself looked like something out of a steampunk convention, a load of golden metal, and seeminglying useless cogs turned as a purple vortex was contained in an oval-shaped frame, while above it a thin line of magic seemed to constantly pulse through it.

"Is it safe for me to test out?" Another nod. I prepared myself, getting a run up on the portal. "LEEROY JENKI-"

And I went through.

The first thing that became apparent was the lack of ground underfoot.

Then the rainbow shit started. I was flung forward, spinning around like I was being flushed down the toilet. Luckily, I never get really motion sickness, so I just ended up completely losing my bearings and feeling dizzy as hell.

"Ohhh, fuck that noise... I'm not doing that again..." I said as I staggered around.

"Umm... Are you one of Twilight's pony friends?" I heard said to me in a voice reminiscent of Rainbow Dash.

"Why do you say that?" I asked rubbing at my head, suddenly noticing the lack of fingers.

I have no fingers.

Or hands.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MY HANDS! WHERE ARE MY HANDS!??!?" I yelled out to the sky. "HOW WILL I WANK NOW!?" I shook the (now that I think about it) rather attractive Rainbow Dash girl in front of me using my HOOVES!

I didn't give her a chance to respond, or myself a chance to see how I looked as a pony, before I lifted myself onto my hindlegs and dashed back through.

"Well that was quick. How'd it go?" Twilight asked as I began kissing my fingers and adopted the fetal position, along with my trademark 'I've seen some shit' face.

"NEVER AGAIN!" I shouted loudly enough for both ponies to push their ears to their heads.

'What happened in there? I couldn't do anything when you went through.'

Maybe when YOU'RE older.

'I'm very old.' Lavan replied.

That's beside the point.

I just sort of laid there for a while, unfortunately, crystal tree stuff isn't very comfortable to lie on, so I moved when my back started hurting.

"John? Are you finished?" I heard Twilight say from an armchair positioned snugly next to a fireplace, where crackling l flames licked upwards into the chimney.

I huffed indignantly, "Yeah, I'm done. What's for dinner?" It looked like it was well into the evening now, the sun barely dipping into the horizon. At least the sun hadn't changed. The while thing about Celestia and her 'divine power' to lift the sun would've given most scientists an aneurysm.

"Spike's making something." She replied, eyes still glued to the book in front of her.

"I'll get down to ordering that stuff from earlier, see you in a bit. You too, Sunset." I said, grabbing the pile once again. Sunset was kind enough to open the door for me magicly, since my hands were full.

The first order of business was finding my room. The castle didn't look too big from the outside, so I assumed that it would be a simple trial and error.

How wrong I was.

An hour later, and I was still boggles as to where the bloody room was. It was as if I was walking around in the TARDIS.

Curse you, Extradimensional horse buildings!

I was still walking around when Twi walked past, presumably to her room.

"Yours is the one with the note on the door." She said, going into what I presumed from her room, seeing as her butt mark was plastered above the door in a rather obvious fashion.

The one with the note on it? None of these doors have notes on them!

'What, not even the one that's about eight paces to your left?'

I turned my head left, noticing the bright yellow sticky note on the purple crystal door.

'Going mad, are we?'

Hopefully. This entire experience would be so much simpler if it was just a fabrication from a man's broken mind.

Lavan deemed it necessary to end the conversation with that, leaving me alone to get some well deserved sleep.

According to Twilight, I didn't deserve sleep, because she had Spike wake me up for dinner. Begrudgingly, I got myself up, a few bones clicking at the sudden movement.

"Are you ok? That didn't sound too good." The little dragon fretted.

"It's a natural thing, bones get creaky if I lie in place too long. Happens with most humans."

After an 'oh' of relief, we plodded down to the table in the entrance hall, said table was round and was surrounded by six chairs, each stuck into the ground facing inwards, towards the center.

Oh yeah, it also had a damn holographic map, but no one gives a shit about the fact that they have advanced technology that looked like it came from the set of Star-Trek (but ended up getting graffitied on by five-year-old girls with an affinity for pink aerosol on the way) so neither will I.

Dinner was spaghetti and meatballs, which Spike cooked expertly in my opinion. Twilight settled for spaghetti with a bit of random pony cuisine, obviously.

Feeling quite full, I began rubbing my belly. After a quick look around the table, I noticed that Sunset was no longer with us. I saw it as no concern, she most likely went home while I was upstairs.

It was nice to have some human-ish contact, sure she looked like a pony, but she seemed to behave like a human girl. It surprises me about how small the differences are between ponies and humans are, but how obvious the mannerisms become when you look for them: a few tail flicks, twitchy ears, another thing I've noticed is that positive feedback seems to affect ponies a lot more, if one runs, they all do; if if one stands forward, they're backed up by others.

I'm delving a bit deep in biology and psychology here, and I'd prefer not to bore you. Hopefully one day I'll put findings on ponies onto page, but now is not the time.

As he made to get up, Spike buried up a few scrolls, likely for Twilight. After sorting through them, he passed one to me while Twilight levitated the others away.

'you got mail.'

No shit. I thought as I unrolled the parchment, my face falling as I read.

John

A few days ago, we found Chrysalis' body. Earlier today, unknown, wingless Changelings slaughtered their way to her body. Here's the strange thing: A Changeling is always capable of identifying their own, no matter what but this group was completely unfamiliar. Of course, Chrysalis could've been lying when we were educated. But I'm inclined to believe something a lot more sinister.

I assume you haven't heard about the Tale of Three Queens? It's a changeling myth. The background is unimportant, but the basics of it is that the three Changeling Queens ruled the wastes: the Red, the Green, and the Blue. The Green thought she was far superior to the other hive leaders, so she devised a plan to take control.

One day, the Green Queen suggested they take a walk around the grand gem mines. Oblivious, the two Queens followed her along with a few guards each. They met a large chasm on the way and so the green Queen offered to build a bridge for them, she did so, and when the other two and their guard were in the middle of the bridge, she burned away their wings and tore away the bridge, dropping them into the chasm and shielding them inside. She then proceeded to take over the entire Kingdom and in the next few centuries, she ran the hive into the ground and attacked Canterlot.

I believe you now know who the Green Queen is.

Since Chrysalis is dead, they are free and they bred with their wingless guards to create soldiers. Therefore, wingless Changelings.

I would appreciate it if you were able to pass this onto the princesses.

Helix

Adding a small notation to dear old Sunny that I had read it previously, I gave the scroll to Spike "Yo, Spike? Send this to Celestia. " He exhaled a small blast of fire and it flew out the window.

"What was it?" He queried.

"Nothing good." Lavan and I said in time with each other. Well, he just thought it at the same time, but you get the picture. "They found Chrysalis. Her body got stolen by some rogue Changelings."

"What's so bad about a few rogue Changelings?"

"The word rogue implies that they aren't under the king's control."

He looked a bit aloof, "I still don't see a problem."

I decided to just put it plainly. "If the king isn't controlling them, who is?"

'...And there's the look of shocked realisation'

Of course, it could just be a myth.

'...I always wondered what really happened to those two. Membrane was always a very good speaker, to the masses and to her friends.'

Why do you keep this shit from me? It's not exactly need-to-know, but it's still important you tell me about these mysterious historical figures n' shit.

'I'll tell you at some point.'

Fine. After I've slept; but keep in mind, you are going to tell me when I get up.

After that I paced to my room, wrote up today's entry, then collapsed into bed.

Of course, I dreamt of the flames again. And the crawl out of the front seat.

And the loss of my sister and her children.

Author's Note

For those who don't know, a Rubbish tip is a dumpster.

Knowledge.

Also sorry about the wait.

P.S. I just took a major turn for how I wanted this story to go in this chapter. It's not going to be super dark and gritty, but it's not going to be an 'everyone' story with the only detour being the ~~occasional~~ constant swearing.

I hope it works out.

Chapter XII: Homesick

Upon waking up, I found something disturbing. I appeared to be floating in the air while hooked up to several machines. If I had been their any longer without noticing my captor, I would've freaked the fuck out.

Twilight Sparkle was facing away from me, using magic in order to draw something, she took a quick look at me, eyes narrowed and a hoof scratching under her muzzle. She either didn't notice me being awake or chose to ignore it, but with how focused Twilight is, she probably wasn't paying attention to my face. On closer examimation I discovered the sketch was an outline of the human body, T-posed with fingers outstretched, mimicking my posture.

"Twilight. Why am I floating naked in the air?" I deadpanned.

She flinched, and turned around with a sheepish grin on her face, "Well, since I've already seen you naked, and you weren't doing anything else, I thought it would be a good idea to do some studies on the Human anatomy! Would you mind giving me the scientific names of each finger and toe?"

"Well sure. You see the fat one that's opposed to the-"

"Would you also mind making your stallionhood erect? I'd like to take... measurements. For purely scientific reasons of course." The look on her face was deceptively innocent.

Lavan took control of my voice. "Of course I wouldn't, Twilight."

Fuck you dude!

If I had to guess the expression Lavan was making, it would be somewhere between shit-eating grin and suggestive eyebrow waggle and smirk.

'That's suprisingly accurate.'

I sighed, "As I was saying." I began. "The thicker one that isn't as long is the thumb." I gave her a thumbs up. "If you go down the hand from there, you have the index, middle, ring and the pinkie." She scribbled down on the side of the paper.

"Is there any particular reason for the naming? Aside from the middle finger?"

"Ring is the one we put the ring on when we are married, I can't remember why it's called the pinkie, and index is just the most useful one. The thumb is just the thumb." I said plainly.

"Hmm... are those dark spots under your eyes normal?"

"Nope. I just have bags under my eyes. Not enough sleep and too much gaming before I came here. Same goes for the inward dip on the bridge of my thumbs."

"And...Done! Now, onto the reproductive organs..."

Some time later, we walked out of her dungeon/cellar into the entrance hallway.

"So, anything we need to do today? Those timetables have been sorted."

"Nope! Which is why you and I are going to spend the day around Ponyville. You've hardly been in the town since you arrived, and I thought it would be a great idea for you and the locals to get to know each other. I even made a checklist of ponies to see and places to go, see!" She pulled a rolled pice of parchment out of nowhere, as usual, then threw it out, unfurling it as it travelled through the air.

If it had been any other situation, I would've said: 'Fuck that noise, I'm gonna go learn some new spells n' shit.' But I had been hovering in the air completely static for at least half an hour, so I needed to stretch my legs. This was just a good excuse to do so.

"Alright, who's first on the list?" I said as I pushed past the main door, pushing it further open so Twilight could slip past before the door swung back. I was greeted with a good view of Ponyville at dawn, the sun barely above the horizon. If I was some poet, I'd probably talk about the morning dew on leaves and shit. But I'm no master wordsmith, so I'll just say: it was nice out. We walked in near silence, aside from Twilight's light humming and the crunching of grass under foot (or hoof, in Twi's case).

"Lyra Heartstrings. She's a musician, but also has quite the passion for archaeology. I only recently found out she was going with Minotaurs, and from what I've heard, they seem to be looking for human artifacts."

"What does she play?"

"Lyre." I rolled my eyes.

"Of course she does. Am I going to get examined by her? Scientists and Historians tend to gush on their chosen subject, in my experience."

"Yep. Lyra's always been a bit... eccentric, to say the least. Oh, there she is now!" Twilight pointed to the minty-furred unicorn with amber eyes. The moment she saw me, she tensed up and let her jaw drop. Oh boy.

"If I stay still, will she see me?" I froze up and Twilight looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Why would staying still do anything?"

I looked back in the minty unicorn's direction to find her missing.

'Horror game logic dictates she's behind you.' I jumped around, my eyes scanning the area intently. After a few seconds, I heard a voice come from the direction I wad previously looking. "HI!"

'...or that.'

"Uh...hello?" I said as a golden aura surrounded my hands and contorted my fingers about. "There's a person attached to those things, you know." I gave her an unimpressed look, and she hoisted me up with magic so I was able to stand again.

"Sorry! It's just, I've been wanting to meet a human all my life and your finally heeeeeerrrre!" She jumped up and down while smiling giddidly.

"Eccentric was a bit of an understatement, Twi." I whispered to her.

"In my defense, I haven't talked to Lyra for quite a while."

"Hmmmm, I'll let you off this time. Next time I get in trouble because of your poor judgement, I'll spank you." She flushed quite heavily at that, her tail raising slightly. "Don't worry Twilight, I'll be gentle." Her wings quivered at her sides.

Lyra was looking quite flustered herself, her ears draped against her head, sporting a lighter blush than Twilight. "Have you been to Minos? I could take you there on my next trip, if you'd like." The minty one asked

"Sounds good, I needed to go there at some point anyway. I won't be free until a few weeks, since I need to get some stuff from home first but once I'm ready I'll join you."

I didn't really talk much after that, but Twilight and Lyra apparently had to catch up with each other, so I went to the gingerbread house that Pinkie worked in. After five seconds of searching for it (it's a fucking gingerbread house, so it sticks out more than ~~Celestia's butt plug~~ me in a crowd of ponies).

On entering, I was immediately attacked by Pinkie Pie. The battle we fought would be talked about in the halls of Valhalla for eons to come, we-

"I give up! Be gentle, I beg of you!" I screamed as the pink demon wrapped me in a spine-splitting hug.

"Okey dokey." And she let go of me, simple as that.

"Umm. Can I have a chocolate chip muffin or something?" I was sill on the floor looking up at the overly cheery mare.

One unnecessary and unrelated song about cupcakes and a short conversation later, and I was happily eating my muffin of choco-goodness outside of Sugarcube Corner, watching Twilight hopelessly try and find me in the crowd.

Once she was hyperventilating and talking to herself, I walked over to her and she calmed down.

"Where were you!?" She all but shrieked.

"Going to the loo." I automatically answered.

"The what?"

"The loo. You know... The porcelain throne? The Log Eater? The shitter? The-"

"I get it! I get it. Now quiet down, ponies are looking at us weirdly."

"Fine. Who's next on the hit list."

"That would be... Roseluck and her sisters! They are rather timid, so don't do anything threatening."

Many, many boring meetings later and we finally got to someone interesting.

"Next up is *yawn* Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Melody. Two of the top musicians in town."

"MORE musicians? Twilight, at least three quarters of the people in this town can play an instrument at a professional level!"

The purple alicorn stopped and looked at me rather quizzically. "Why is that odd to you? Do your people not value music much?"

"I'm pretty sure that the economy values music quite a lot. There just aren't enough dedicated people I guess." I sighed. "You know I wanted to play guitar when I was a teenager. My dad tried to teach me as well. He was cool like that, but I just couldn't play. I can, however, sing pretty well."

"For your information, music is a core part of Equestrian culture. For example: I can actually play the violin, my brother can play drums, while Spike is the only known dragon to play piano skillfully."

"What, because they'd crush the piano? Or because you've never seen one play it before?"

"I don't know, John." After a brief pause of conversation, she added, "You know, you have a habit of asking awkward and difficult questions."

"Is it a bad habit?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"No... I guess not. Someone has to ask the hard questions, I'm just normally the one asking. Ah! There's their house." We were approaching a wide bungalow that had been half-painted twin shades of blue, right down to the middle of the door, I just passed it off as some kind design feature. "Hopefully this doesn't turn out as bad as it did with the Rich family..." my equine companion winced at the memory.

"As long as they don't actually like vapid cunts for no reason, we should be alright." Twilight didn't even flinch, she's that used to my cursing. The Stallion, Filthy Rich seemed okay, but his wife had a stick shoved so far up her ass you could probably see it in her mouth.

Twilight made to the knock at the door, but I stayed her hoof. "No, Sparks. I am the one who knocks." And I knocked twice.

"Coming!" Was shouted through the door in one of those upper class accents everyone assumes is 'THE' British accent. What followed sounded like a full drum kit falling over, and a feminine yelp. "Vinyl, Could you be a dear and grab the door please!"

Twi and I looked between each other and shrugged. There was a small 'krchnk' of a door unlocking and we were bathed in light from the inside.

"Hi Vinyl." Twilight greeted.

"Su' Dude." I memed.

She nodded with a smile, then opened the door further so we could walk inside. The inside was split in half much like the exterior. On the left side, was a bunch of modern looking tech for DJing. I just passed it off as this world being dumb. On the right side was a small orchestra: String instruments, percussion, etcetera.

The white mare, Vinyl went behind her equipment and through a door, flipping a sign on the front to 'Don't wake me up 'til morning.'

Walking over to the other side of the room, I narrowed my eyes. "Why would she abbreviate her writing?"

From behind me, the same Pseudo-accented mare spoke up. "She's lazy. Oh, Princess Twilight! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Well Octavia, I'm actually showing John-"

"Would you like a cup of tea?" That's strike one on the English stereotype checklist.

"Yes please, now as I was saying I've come to show John around Ponyville. You two were the next stop-" Blah blah blah boring drivel that I can't be bothered to write.

While Twilight was giving a lecture on the necessities of knowing each others friends, I was inspecting Vinyl's equipment. It seemed pretty decent in all honesty, the same kind of stuff you'd find back in 2015.

That's when I left if I haven't written it down before.

It's been three fucking months now.

Three months without taxes or news of some new ISIS cell shooting up Europeans. Three months without any bullshit following me here. At least I didn't have to put up with that.

It's also been three months since I've seen my family. Or what's left of it, in any case. Thankfully, next week can't come any quicker for me.

"Well, look at the time, we should get back to the castle. It's been nice talking to you Octavia." Twilight said, moving to the door.

"Yeah, see ya." I huffed, eager to get back.

And we were back out into the country, it only took a few feet before we were assailed by an unruly gust of wind, the cold making Sparklebutt shiver.

"Twilight, something just occurred to me."

"Yes?" She queried.

"Why didn't we teleport around town instead of walking there?"

It took a few seconds for the alicorn to digest that information before I was suddenly teleported into the castle. Unlike before, I was somewhat ready for the teleport and landed on my feet, stumbling.

"Unicorns abuse the shit out of magic. I mean, what if one day you lose your horn? You'll be rightly fucked then won't you?"

"I'd prefer not to think about that. Feel free to have a look around town yourself while I reorganize the library." I made to follow her in, "and that means no reading spell books until I'm done." I visibly sagged.

"Well what am I supposed to do?"

"I'm sure you'll figure something out John." The best princess closed the door behind her. Yes Celestia/Luna/Cadence I just said Twilight was better than you. Fight me.

There's absolutely nothing to do in this castle.

I can't even torment Spike because he's gone off with his pseudo-girlfriend to do whatever he does with her. There was nothing to do in town either, since everyone had pretty much shut all their stores and I can't find a pub or anything.

So I decided to go into the Everfree. From what I gathered from Twilight, it's got some cool shit in it. A castle, the Elements of Harmony in jewel form and some blue flowers that prank you. Thankfully, there was a road into it, probably carved from when the castle was occupied.

As I moved further inside, the path started getting grassy, up to the point where you had to start looking good for bare patches where wild flowers, weeds and nettles hadn't touched yet. I got stuno once or twice on the way through, but thankfully dock leaves still growing around them this far in the future. One thing I didn't expect was to see a zebra version of a pony. She (you can determine sex in ponies and equines here with their muzzle shape) waved at me before trotting up to a cabin, one that was hidden in the shroud of low hanging branches.

After spending who knows how long wandering the fairly monotonous path of the Everfree, I turned back and saw I was being followed. A pair of glowing green orbs were visible through some shrubberies at the edge of the treeline.

'Timberwolves. They aren't fireproof.' Lavan answered.

"Thanks Jarvis."

'Fuck you, dude.'

Putting my attention back on the wooden wolf, I realised something.

"Don't wolves hunt in packs?" Turning my head to the left, I saw another pair of eery green eyes.

Clever girl.

My hand was in my aggressor's face with a fireball spell charged before you could say 'firewood'. The Wolf shrieked and howled, running off into the forest like it was on fi- you get the picture.

I looked back to see the other timber Wolf hadn't moved, and was still staring unblinkingly into my soul. With a snort, it moved out slowly, trying to keep me on guard.

My first mistake was believing this one was now on its own, and before I knew it, three other timber wolves were behind me, one grabbing each of my arms and the third was attempting to savage my back.

I growled in pain and saw the fourth leap at me. I quickly fired off a teleportation spell, putting distance between the pack and me. My arms had been badly bitten, and would most likely become infected if left untreated, so I Scooby doo'd the fuck away from them. I quickly found the pain in my left arm was too much so I was restricted to one spell at a time.

(Note: Humans are capable of using two spells at a time, so a large magic pool to draw from is useful. God I need to document the shit out of these findings.)

Anyway, back to the story. I wasn't running out of energy too soon, but the pack was on my scent now, and would relentlessly chase me until I got close to Ponyville again. The wolves were closing in on me again, and soon one ofor them was on each side of me; one was also behind me.

they're trying to herd me, probably into a more favourable position.

The fourth wolf, not having picked a point to stop me from, kept pace with the other three as I ran past the zebra's shack. About two hundred metres away from the edge of the forest, I could see the open fields ahead, but another four Timberwolves burst out from the bushes rush8 get me as the other three ttied tackling me, barely missing me. In a hazel of fear, I drew on what was probably the most powerful spell I knew at the time.

Arcane detonation.

It looks as cool as it sounds too, it takes a good chunk out of your reserves, but it's fucking worth it.

As I cast it, my hands became bathed in fire, coiling up my arms and onto my chest as I let go of a spell, roughly equivalent to a stick of dynamite going off.

A few innocent trees that were too close to the casting point had their roots torn from the ground, and had fallen over because of the shockwave. The grass surrounding me was completely burned away, leaving all of the path clear of foliage and reduced to barren earth while the dirt beneath me had been scorched black. Any bushes or other nearby foliage had been set on fire, or were now piles of sticks and ash. Of the Timberwolves, there was nothing to be found.

Just the way I like it.

As I surveyed the area, Lavan made his opinion known: 'Christ Almighty, did that spell come out of your ass? it smells like you shat yourself here.'.

I groaned, "For fuck's sake man! I was having a moment there. Also: Christ? I haven't even told you that humans had religion."

I have access to your memories. And F.Y.I it slipped out, okay!?'

"We're out of the forest now, so shut up; I don't want to look like some kind of mad man talking to the voice in my head." I scolded him, leaving behind the rank-smelling blast radius.

On the cobble road into Ponyville, I cauterised the wounds made by the wooden teeth that had pierced my arms as Lavan set to work at burning away any splinters.

You have no idea how useful it is to turn your insides to 200°C on command with no repercussions. A terminal disease infects you? Burn it out. Want to breath fire? Get a mouthful of alcohol then spray it out as you turn up the heat. And as I found out much later, it glitches the shit out of infrared optics.

That's a story for another time though.

By the time I was at the castle again, the moon was up high in the sky. Tinted blue light shone onto the crystal of the tree, reflecting beautifully onto the ground, as if the light was paving a path of diamonds to its front door.

I gently swept through the door, making sure to keep the volume to a minimum, as not to wake Spike and Twilight. Tiptoeing my way around the circular table that was surrounded by thrones, I heard a light spell trigger behind me.

Frozen in place, I turned my head to the rather agitated purple alicorn. "Uh..." I began, unable to find the words I was looking for.

Twilight's eyes narrowed, "John. Would you mind telling me what you were doing in the Everfree?"

Behind my back, I was readying a teleport spell, in case Twi went murder mode. "I was wondering about the kinds of wild flora I might find in the area."

"Mmhm. And why didn't you check the library for such a book?"

"You said I couldn't use it while you were cleaning." I threw back.

"Well, even so, could you explain to me why a high level destruction spell went off in the area?"

"Well, I think it might just have been one of those Ursa Majors farting. But that's just me."

Twilight almost laughed, giving up the serious demeanour she started the conversation with. "Well, I guess that case is closed then. We should really get to bed now, I mean we only have one day left until you go home. You should really make sure your sleep schedule is on time." Sparklebutt reminded me as she walked up to the second floor of the castle.

I let out a sigh of relief, as my secret hadn't been uncovered.

Twilight popped her head back around the corner once again, "Oh, and you're in trouble tomorrow mister. I know you know that spell, the spell book it was in had the page folded over it."

Shit.

'To be honest, I'm starting to believe that it was fate that I ended up absorbing into you. Both of us cause trouble for the princesses, both of us like explosions, both of us like asses and plots.'

Lavan, I'm pretty sure two out of three of those are just guy things.

Lavan took a second to think about it, 'Oh. So they are.' The spirit paused for a moment, 'Hey, wanna see something cool?'

Sure. Lavan pulled an upper body made of Lava out of my chest.

"Lavan?"

This time, Lavan actually talked, the volcanic body that had appeared out of my chest moving it's own mouth "Suprise Motherfucker."

"Lavan. If you don't go back inside or jump out right now, I'm gonna freak out."

He huffed indignantly, "Fine." And back into my body he went.

"So how come you can't get out of me?" I asked, wondering why he didn't just jump out.

'The bond I have with you is... Well the closest analogy is 'symbiotic' but that word is slightly too broad to be used in this case.'

Remind me to continue this conversation in the future.

'I will.' Lavan confirmed as I headed up to the room.

Quickly I got undressed, wrote up today's entry then retired to my bed.

"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of part of our family." My uncle Alan said, as we stood in the rain around four coffins. "A week ago, we lost Lucy, her husband and their children. Today we lay them to rest." He breathed, trying to reign in his emotions on the matter.

As all this took place, I stood next to my father and mother as he comforted her while she sobbed into his neck.

"Your dreams are solemn, John the Human." Luna stated from my right. A sudden clarity took my mind, and the dream seemed to lose the fuzziness where my subconscious filled the gaps.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as the attending group turned to look at her.

"Strange, your dreams seem more defensive than most." She waved her hoof and the figments vanished, leaving us in the graveyard alone, aside from the four coffins ahead of us. "Now let us continue to the matter at hand. You must atone for your mistakes in your conduct with Celestia and I. As such, I will be expecting you in Canterlot tomorrow."

"Stay out of my dreams Luna."

"I am Princess of the Night, Caretaker of Dreams! It is my right to enter your subconscious without being penalised!"

"And it is my right to tell you to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" The dream shook, cracks appearing on the ground as storm clouds rolled in.

"Fine, it is always customary to grant and ask for 'solids' as I have been told on many occasions by Loyalty on many occasions, especially before she and Laughter raid the royal kitchens... So I shall grabbed the you one: From now on, I shall endeavour to stay out of your dreams unless necessary."

The cracks in the ground started to glow red, as if Lava was just below the surface, "Wow, since when did Loony become a diplomat? I thought she was more of the 'attempt a couple then leave her sister mourning for centuries' kinda mare."

"Ah, Lavan. Sister had explained your situation to me after she found out. Trapped in a mortal? How the mighty have fallen."

"Bitch please, 'The mighty have fallen'? Says the one who spent last summer as a filly with no magical power whatsoever."

"Ladies! And Luna. Get on with what you were saying." I interjected, steering away from the argument.

She huffed, sending one last nasty look into the glowing red ground Lavan was seeping through."You should wake up soon. Return to Canterlot on the morrow." She reminded me, opening up a or talk intof an indescribable vastness. "And John." She looked me in the eye pitifully. "Do not blame yourself for what you could not have known." With that she disappeared into the void leaving me alone with the dead.

Morning came far too quickly. After taking my time messing around and and stumbling down the awkwardly sized staircase, one that was obviously not meant for humans, a whiff of breakfast hit my nostrils.

"Pancakes?" I muttered. Shouting this time, I called out. "Spike! You making pancakes?"

A second later, Spike gave his reply, "Yeah dude! Twilight seemed really cranky last night, so I thought I'd cheer her up." I followed Spike's voice through the open door into the kitchen, where the smell intensified.

Spike was holding a pan over the stove, flipping the aforementioned pancakes every so often. Internally, I debated about whether I should get an early start to the morning, or stay and eat.

It was a shortlived argument. I placed myself on the kindness throne on the mapped table near the door, putting my feet up and squashing the Crystal Empire. After a while, a ragged Twilight joined me at the table, eyes drooping and partially covered by a messy mane.

"Morning." I yawned, trying to shake off some of the drowsiness.Twilight mumbled something incomprehensible and plopped herself down on her own throne as Spike came out with three plates of pancakes and served them around, taking a seat next to Twilight.

As soon as Twilight are some of the pancakes, she just seemed to straighten out. It was creepy as fuck in all Honesty. After the lovely breakfast, I informed Twilight of Luna's commando and asked whether I could slack off and get out of it.

"You're a guard captain now, so you have no way of getting out of it." Twilight suddenly gained a curious look, "Why is it you and Luna are so abrasive to each other?"

"Silly reasons, Twi. Can I get bits for the tickets?"

Canterlot castle...

'Stop screwing around or I'll make you get in there.'

I shrugged and began my stroll into the throne room, where I guessed Luna was waiting. Walking down the suprisingly barren hallway, I felt as if I was being watched, possibly even preyed on. Then suddenly...

"Gotcha!" Moon whispered from behind me.

I had enough time to turn around before she leapt at me, wings curling around my back and shoulders as she aimed for my face.

Her lips were on mine.

'You know, I've never actually gotten lucky with a Thestral before...'

mmhm...

"Ah! Human John, I see you and my captain are getting along well." Luna glared at her lightly. "Come, the matter requires some level of secrecy." She teleported all three of us and tapped Moonflower on the shoulder, motioning for her to leave.

As the door shut behind the bat pony, Luna began talking. "Moonflower has already been briefed on the situation, so she shall stand guard while we converse."

"Oh. What's the problem then?" I asked.

"I assume you know what a necromancer is, yes?"

Author's Note

Sorry about the wait.

FIGHTTHETYPOS

Chapter XIII: "Great Scott!"

"I assume you know what a necromancer is, yes?" The princess questioned, grave undertones in her voice.

"A mage who possesses the power to raise the dead."

"We are facing possibly the strongest necromancer Celestia or I have ever come across. An undead army was seen walking the eastern mountains. Undead humans."

"Well, when I left, the east was one of the most highly populated parts of the world so it would make sense to build an army there."

"How many were there?"

"To my knowledge the number in India and China combined was somewhere around two billion." Luna's eyes widened dramatically and she became deadly serious.

"Human John, you jest? Surely there cannot be that many!?”

"There's probably a lot more if you take into account death rates and the amount of time that passed. But at the same time, most of those bodies would be ash and dust by now if my guesses on the time in between when I'm from, and when I am now are correct."

Visibly alarmed, the princess grimaced. “Then the situation is far more dire than we have realised.”

“Wasn’t the situation dire to begin with? We’re talking about someone who can use his undead to kill people, then bring them back up to fight for him?”

“Do not mistake my wording for underestimating the enemy, any and all rogue magi can cause untold amounts of trouble for the crown, especially if they are a unicorn.” There are non-unicorn mages? I found that odd, but filed away my questions for a later date. Luna looked away and then back to me, “Twilight has informed Celestia and I of your plans to return home for a short while. This is acceptable, but Celestia believes it would be right of you to bring back useful equipment. I would prefer weaponry, but ultimately, you need not follow our orders, you must, however, follow Twilight’s.” she grinned. “Something tells me that human literature may be coming back with you.”

“I've got better than books, believe me.”

“Back to the matter at hoof, it is believed that he or she is hiding in one of the Yakyakistani mountains, and my captain is in the middle of organising the group that shall make first contact with the necromancer. You are expected to be part of this group, as you are one of the guard captains. Shining Armour will also be a part of this, because the Yakyakistani’s tendency to be rather rash, we have disguised the group as a democratic convoy, and you will be joined by Prince Blueblood as the ambassador. This will also give you a good base of operations in Yakarachi, the capital. Do you have any questions?”

I shook my head, “No, not particularly. How long have you known about this guy? That plan seems pretty well thought out.”

“It was a simple coincidence. There was, and still is a diplomatic mission being led by Captain Armour and Blueblood.” her ear twitching, she looked towards the door. “We will continue this conversation at a later date. For now, I shall bring you back to Ponyville.” her horn glowed, and I was back in Twilight’s castle.

A few feet off the ground.

After a painful landing and a minute or two of feeling winded, I got myself up and trudged over to the library area in the castle and began having a gander at some new books on different thaumaturgical trees (areas of magic).

Soon after I was seated comfortably, a wild Twilight appeared through the doorway, her face completely covered by the tome she had held in her telekinesis. I coughed, waking her from her knowledge-consuming reverie, “Twilight, when will dinner be ready? It’s six in the afternoon.”

She giggled, “John, you sound like Spike," Well that cant be good, "He was Always asking about food, mooching off of my own funds, Raiding the fridge constantly and-”

I put a hand up.“I get it, Sparkplug.” her face scrunched up at the nickname. I stopped and looked away before muttering, “Not like that’ll stop me from raiding the fridge...”

Twilight’s ears perked up. “What was that?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just talking to myself, is all.” I hastily covered up my grumbled comment. “So when will tea actually be ready?”

“I’m not sure, Spike was meant to cook, but he was a bit preoccupied at Rarity’s so we might have to go buy something.”

There was a moment of silence between us.

“Hayburger?” Twilight suggested.

I nodded affirmingly, “Hayburger.”

Twilight and I walked mostly in silence as we walked past Sugarcube Corner, the open windows giving us a view of The Cake Family cleaning up the café. Pinkie, of course had brushes attached to each hoof and her head, scrubbing the ceiling as if held on by a pair of suction cups.

Meh. I've seen weirder from her.

"Twilight? Am I dreaming?" I asked the purple mare next to me.

She looked utterly bamboozled for a moment, "Um, no. What makes you say that?"

"It feels like it's real, shit hurts, things feel good, all that stuff, but there so many inconsistencies. Physics seems like a suggestion rather than a set of grounded laws here. Biology doesn't make sense..." I scowled. "I mean, how do Pegasi even work? The wingspan to body mass ratio is skewed so badly that they SHOULD just be a deformity, but they work! I mean gravity here must be relatively similar if not higher due to added mass from asteroids hitting Earth and because I haven't had a drastic increase or decrease in strength or comparatively an increase or decrease in bone density. How do I know you're real? How do I know I’M real?" Twilight was keeping up with my scientific talk, unlike most ponies, who look at me like I’m speaking in tongues whenever I mention something like Pythagoras’ theorem, oh Wait, they call it PySTAGoras’ theorem, because shitty puns created by fucking equine bastards.

Sorry about that, i accidentally melted the ink cartridge in the pen, forgot to put heat resistant runes on it. Got one of the spares I had with me now.

“I know I’m real.” Twilight replied.

I huffed, “That's exactly what someone who wasn't real would say.”

“Well it's good that I’m not a someone, I’m a somepony!” Twilight grinned, using a little difference in language I had amused myself with, and by ‘amused’, I mean: irritated others by pedantically and constantly correcting ponies who misspoke. She continued, “It doesn't matter anyway! All that matters is whether you believe in this world or not.”

“I hold little belief in… Well, belief. I trust in cold, hard facts determined by logical concepts and methodology.” God, I sound like a Vulcan. Spock would be proud.

Onto something a little more substantial as to how I’ve been lately, rather than blather on about a trip to the nearest fast food joint. I’ve still kept in touch with Helix, via the exchanging messages for the last few weeks, if you wanted to know (Spike if you're reading this, I have a knife to the back of your throat). He's been doing well, doing some trading with other nations. The chitinous substance the Changelings use to build is some kind of naturally occurring carbon fibre (I know this because Helix sent me samples and Twi has some chemistry kit stuff) compound that's extremely good for building smaller structures.

We came back with a bag of fast food and laid it all out over the map table. My mouth was watering as my eyes scanned over the buffet, and looking over to the princess, I saw that she was in a similar state.

Breaking the trance we had built for ourselves, I proclaimed, “Well, let’s dig in then.”

It was a massacre, the food didn't stand a chance, as the purple terror dipped the potato civilians in the blood of their own, then tossed them into her mouth unsparingly… Nah, I'm taking the piss, she just ate the fries.

I twiddled a single fry in my hand, “Why are these called hay fries again? They look like your average potato fries.”

“Branding for ponies, probably. They must do something to them because they do taste a bit like hay.”

Taking a bite, i shook my head. “Twilight, it’s a placebo effect. these are just normal fries, same as the ones you’d get back home,”

“Really?” she gorged on a load of eight fries at once, dipping them in ketchup before munching on them. “Huh. I must be more gullible than I thought then.”

“You take trickery much better than humans.” I commented idly, adding, “ponies in general, I mean. Ponies take it better than humans.

Sparky tilted her head slightly. “What makes you say that?”

I sighed, “I despise being tricked, personally, and If something like that happened in the human world, the company would probably be fined for false advertising or something. Here? Ponies don't even seem to care.”

We finished our meals shortly, and I was taking the last bite out of some chicken nuggets (they have a carnivore/omnivore menu available there) as Twi sidled up to me.

“So… what do you plan to bring back with you tomorrow? Plenty of books, I hope.”

“I don't have many books in my house.” Twilight suddenly looked slightly offended. “I do, however, have technology which can function as a portable library.” Her mouth dropped. “And highly advanced versions of the current movie technology, some of which are interactive and you can become the main character.” She started salivating. “And a device which can access all the information ever recorded by human beings: Our science, our inventions, our stories and even our very lives. They are all processed by single machines, which are easily accessible for the general population.” I sniffed at the air and scrunched my nose. “Cor! That smells like… I don't even know what that smells like!.”

It was at this moment, I realised that my purple compadre had stopped a few paces back, and was shocked still, shuddering, as a a small amount of moisture dripped onto the floor.

The awkward silence that ensued would be remembered for ages to come.

After the silence, and some uncontrollable fits of laughter from me (yes, ‘fits” as in plural) Twilight shut herself in her room and I was guilted into consoling the embarrassed princess. And so, I found myself sitting outside the purple pony’s door, giving apologies and asking her to let me in.

“Twiii, I really didn't think it was that bad…” I was sat up against the door, trying to listen in on her to no avail. She had locked the door when she went in, i could of melted it down, or tried blinking through the keyhole but I respected her enough not to do that kind of thing, as not to upset her more.

A couple sniffles could be heard through the crystalline door. “I’m so ashamed! You’ll never be able to look at me without remembering that!”

I sighed, dropping my head against the door with a light thud. “Twi, is that really all you’re upset about? Listen, I may not be the the most empathetic man in the world.” I caught the irony in my words as I remembered the distinct lack of fellow Homo Sapiens, “I may not be the most empathetic guy in the world, but I’m pretty sure I can look past the fact that the internet gets you wet.”

Never have stupider words been spoken by a sapient being.

As I guessed, silence reigned once more, before a set of hoofsteps sounded against the shiny floor and the door clicked unlocked.

“Are you really going to let that pass?” Twilight asked, her head around the door.

I smirked, “Well… I might tell your friends but… Ow! How heavy is that!?” I put my hand to my head, rubbing the place where Twilight had bonked me on the head with a large tome; one that was thicker than my forearm. Twilight gave a smirk of her own as I tried to soothe the pain on my poor, heavily abused head. “We alright? No misunderstandings?”

The princess nodded, “No misunderstandings.”

I got up from the floor, stretching my legs. “Good. Hey, if something goes wrong tomorrow…”

“This spell has had months of planning and research put into it, the chances of failure are infinitesimal.”

“Right, I just wanted to say you've been great, and if something goes wrong and tomorrow really does mean goodbye…” I opened the door a slight bit more, knelt down to just above eye level with her and hugged her warmly. “It's been great knowing you. That goes for Spike as well.” Twilight was speechless at first, but then she melted into the hug pretty easily, putting her head on my shoulder and wrapping her hooves and wings around me.

After the long hug, we both departed to our rooms. Once I was in bed… well, it was probably the wind, but as I trained my ears, I could hear Twilight talking to herself about something or other...

But it was probably just the wind.

It was finally the day.

The day we’ve (stop reading my shit) all been waiting for.

I was finally going to be home.

After I had gotten dressed and had breakfast with Twilight and Spike, Sunset had appeared once again to help the casting, and we were waiting for this Starlight Glimmer pony, the one in charge of bringing the scroll.

“So you’re recording this?” I asked Twilight as she scribbled some things down on a notepad.

“Yep, no one has ever tried a time warp like this so its a major leap in temporal magic, so the entire event should be documented!”

“Well, my point of view will be in my journal, which I’m taking with me.” The very same one I'm writing about the trip with right now. I looked towards the modified saddlebag Twilight was standing in front of. “I’m guessing that’s enchanted to be bottomless.”

“Yeah, I made one for myself, actually, the first time I... escaped to Canterlot High.” Sunset added in, “It’s one of the first big spells I learned, because I ended up dragging books around all day. “

“Nice.” I pulled it into my hand and unzipped it, examining the inside by dipping my entire arm in the pocket size bag.

“You can keep pulling the zip to make the entrance bigger, for larger stuff.”

“Whoa! You guys were getting ready without me?” Spike yelled from across the way, causing Twilight to jump.

“Spike! Don't sneak up on ponies like that.” Twilight scolded the young dragon.

“Hey! I didn't sneak up on anypony, you're just easy to scare.”

Twilight puffed up her cheeks and was about to give a rebuke, but the castle door suddenly swung open, slamming hard against the wall and revealing a pink unicorn with a purple mane and single blue highlight.

Then the unicorn cringed and looked at the door’s impact point. “Sorry. The wind carried the door and it… kinda broke something.” Twilight rolled her eyes and took a scroll out from the unicorn’s saddlebags. This must be Starlight Glimmer, the one who was writing the scroll, which means-

“It’s time.” Twilight looked towards me.

‘Time travel hype.’

Finally! You haven't said anything for bloody ages.

‘I was allowing some deep character development between you and Twilight.’

You what?

‘Nothing!’

Fine. I don't even care.

“John? You need to get up on the table.” Twilight instructed, I thought it a bit bizarre, but still did what she said and hoisted myself up as the two unicorns and alicorn formed a triangle around me.

“This is some full-on satanic ritual shit…” the contract was levitated above me and the casting began as the trio of horns lit up with their own glows. The room seemed to darken and the ground was rumbling lightly. One at a time, three beams lit up and fired at the contract above me, causing the rumbling to intensify and a blue orb appeared above the contract, before it phased into a hemisphere with an open surface.

“One week, John! We’ll see you then!” Twilight yelled over the howling wind. “Grab the contract and you’ll be transported!”

Looking upwards I reached out for the parchment, upon grasping it, i was tugged upwards into the blue void…

--Extract from Twilight’s report, seconds after I entered the conflux--

...And like that, John had disappeared, the pressure on our horns disappeared, the others seemed to be showing some minor symptoms of magical exhaustion, so I had Spike prepare us some lunch.

Starlight idly commented about a lingering doubt that she had somehow failed, but I quickly dismissed it and went onto the the second reason I had invited her here…

--Back to Me--

After being thrown through the portal, I ended up in a back alley, since we weren’t able to teleport me directly to England, because of the spell’s radius for distance, I was being put in New York, to board a plane back to London instead.

Hopefully nobody saw me time travel back, terminator style.

One thing I noticed quite quickly was how much dirtier the air was here compared to Ponyville or anywhere else in Equestria, although that might have partially been the stench of something rotting in one of the many rubbish tips that lined the sides of the alley.

From the mouth of the alley, you could see the passing traffic along with glimpses of passersby. Luckily, a metal gate stood in the way of the alley, obscuring my arrival to anyone who may have noticed…except that hobo shaking in the corner.

Turning to him, and setting my eyes upon the first human I had seen for over half a year, i raised my hand and simply said: “Sleep.” then he fell asleep.

‘You didn't even use a sleep spell...’

I know.

And so, walking through the unlocked gate, I took my first steps back home.

And I hope I only have to take a few more to the nearest taxi, because my feet are bloody killing me.

New York really doesn't look as good as it does in photos or movies.

They always remember not to show you the bad parts of the city. A few kids smoking cigarettes, walls that had more graffiti visible than brick (Not good graffiti either, just penises or pepole writing ‘X was here.’

This was all part of my internal conversation while i was sat in the back of the taxi, being driven to the nearest airport.

“So, you English? that‘s certainly an accent that reminds me of a few vacations with the kids.” the driver said over his shoulder, trying to start some friendly conversation.

“Yep, Just on my way back from a holiday here.” Using the alibi I had been thinking for the last few hours before coming here.

“Oh, where did you stay then? There’s a whole host of hotels you could’ve been picked up from instead of walking your way down to Central Park for a taxi.” he said back to me, as we pulled out of the more dense section of the city, the airport now visible in the distance, planes departing and arriving at the runway.

“Nah, I was staying at a friend’s place.” the lie slipping through my lips smoothly.

“Huh. Well, it looks like we’re here.”

Lavan?

‘I’ve got it, just let me assume control for it. The spell is complex.’

I gave a silent affirmative and moved to my psyche, Lavan was now preparing our escape.

The young guy in front turned around, “Alright, that’ll be seven dol- why are you trying to use the force on me?”

Lavan gave him an apologetic look, “Sorry about this bud.” Lavan forced him back into the seat, casting the amnesia spell we had agreed on. The guy was out like a light in a matter of seconds.

"It's a shame." I said, realising Lavan had relinquished control of my body, "He was an alright guy."

'Oh well. There's no use dwelling on it.'

Yeah...Let's get on with this.

"Gate 17, New York to London, Gatwick, will be opening in 10 minutes. Gate 18..." I ignored information about other flights, only tuning into what was relevant. From here it seemed to be a fairly straightforward, and if i was a bit stronger, i might've been able to teleport straight to the door but that would've negated the only problem i faced: getting there. Past the metal detectors... and the staff...and all the normal people as well, seeing as most people would freak out from watching someone suddenly turn invisible in front of them.

'When did this become a stealth mission?'

Since I don't have a passport.

That shut him up. I began divising my ingenious plan to make my way through.

'We're going to try experimental magic. Experimental magic made by someone who only just learned a few months ago that it was a thing.' Lavan spoke incredulously.

Basically. I heard a wet, or in this case, molten slap that I guessed was him facepalming.

'One does not simply slow down time. You have to take into consideration the fact that it would blind you.'

that's why I'm utilising suspension of disbelief. Everything else is going to be normal. Give me a bit of extra oomph to work with, L.

A surge of extra power entered my body, obviously supplied by my brainmate and I began the spell. A few small changes could be seen, people were walking slower, a few people began to fall over as they slowed down midstep.

Well this is the best we're getting...Let's go!

And so, with all the grace of a spastic lobster, I ran through the American customs office. It actually worked out pretty well, as by the time one of them security officers grabbed a pistol or razer, whatever it was, I was already at the door to the gates.

Using an old trick I learned watching prop hunt videos, I sat next to the door, went invisible and waited for the guards to fuck off, and I ended up waiting a good ten minutes until that happened. I quickly ran to the gate, thought for a good five seconds and then mind wiped the staff I walked by. They would dismiss it, and most likely never realise I was on the flight. Just as planned.

'Hey John?' Lavan asked as I plopped down on the suprisingly comfortable seat I had stolen from someone traveling first class.

Yeah?

Why didn't we just teleport in from the fence at the end of the runway?'

Looking out of the window, I gazed at the fence, which was visible from this side of the plane.

After a moment of deliberation, I came to a conclusion: I'm a fucking idiot.

'Yes we ar- I mean, you are, John.' Lavan corrected.

--One boring flight and several watches of Star Wars VII and whatever else was on the Film section--

I swear that film is basically just more racial and gender inclusive version of 'A New Hope'. Not that there's anything wrong with being more inclusive (A.K.A: I don't want to trigger anyone).

"Attention passengers and crew, we are beginning to make our descent.please fasten your seat belts as we prepare to land. Thank you for flying *@#$%£€ airlines and we hope to see you again."

'Finally.' Lavan paused. 'you do know we could be complete badassery and jump out of the plane right now, since I can just harden your skin to rock.'

...Lavan, why do you tell me useful shit when I don't need to know it?

'It's funny to watch you squirm.'

Sadist...

'Horsefucker.'

Hi kettle, the name's pot! Have we met before?

Lavan grumbled a retort (which I pretended not to hear) as we made our way out of the plane. The English weather was amazing as usual.

And by amazing I mean storming and utterly pissing it down with rain, of course. And the sky was overcast with dark clouds, as usual.

Needless to say, it was British as fuck. Instead of being a dumb fuck, this time I just teleported out from the loo in the plane to a field just over the fence.

Which was obviously muddy, now that I think about it. After extracting my self from some knee high mud and accidentally walking onto some cow shit, which had thankfully turned hard and into a cow pat instead of squelching under foot.

Now was the hard part. The bit which I had to debate with Lavan for a while.

Getting hit by a car. Now it may seem odd, but think about this: most people are dicks and it could waste hours or even days to wait for someone who would actually pick me up. If I used an ambulance, however, I would be able to quickly gain access to London, or wherever the nearest hospital would be.

The only problem was getting run over. So here I stood, invisible on the side of a road, tracking mud with every step until a big enough vehicle came by.

This is fucking stupid! " Alright! FUCK IT! LEEROY JENKI-"

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was my everything hurting, a general trend that was quickly growing irritating.

I could faintly feel Lavan moving and thudding his head against something.

Lavan?

"John? I, uh, kinda fucked up while you were out."

How bad?

My vision clearing, I could see several police officers in front of me, cars forming a blockade and once i could hear the sound of a helicopter patrolling around above me, spotlight trained on my person.

Taking back control, I put my hands in the air, I was immediately tazed, to little effect for some reason.

I hate everything you stand for.

The officers in front of me were quickly replaced by a murky darkness as I was hit in the back of the head, "Get him contained." I heard a button push and the voice spoke, seemingly into some kind of phone. "Sir, we have Chronos neutralised requesting eta on that tra..." Then I lost consciousness once more.

Author's Note

Hi again, sorry for the wait on this chapter, but the writer's block, along with a large wave of laziness caused me to lose a lot of the momentum I had with the story back in January and February. Furthermore, I'd like to thank all those who have read this far. it's really encouraging to see that, at this point, over 400 people like my writing, along with my attempts at humour.

Last but not least, I'd like to thank My new (and first) editor, Dusty Tome, for (Hopefully) doing his job very well. I have finally moved to writing this on PC, so things should be far smoother anyway.

Chapter XIV: Chronos

As consciousness returned to me, I shook off the haze of fever dreams that bloke with the tranquilizer had dosed me up with. As the room came into focus, the figure of a man, and after that I could deduce I was in one of those police interrogation rooms, the ones with the one way glass, no windows, that kind of shit. All in all, it looked like Lavan had fucked us up real nicely while I was out.

The anonymous man made his presence known, emotionlessly asking a simple question.

"What are you doing, Chronos?" I recalled the nóm de guerre from when Mr.'Tranqs first, questions later' shot me.

"..." something about this guy's voice irked me, maybe it was its monotonous and non-emotive tone. As he drawled on about some ridiculousy long list of crimes I had commited, my mind was abuzz with entirely different inner conversations

Chronos...God of Time? Does this mean I time travel more in the future, what if that future is no longer possible now that I know I will?

'Are you seriously trying to bootstrap paradox yourself right now? We're hidden away in some facility in the middle of London, I overheard these guys calling it M.I.6, and all you can think about is some doctor who timey wimey bullshit!?'

Yep, that is about the sum of it.

'I'm really starting to regret latching onto you.'

That was only like six months ago...

'Nope it's been a year and a bit. The writer is just lazy.'

Ok, L. Have fun with your crackpot tinfoil hat 'Writer watches all' theories.

'Listen to this fucker again, and dont call me L again, or I'll write your name in the death note.'

"Right... Subject is unresponsive. Give him a shock. That should wake him up."

A dull electrical tingle ran through me, "Are you ready to talk?" I'm not sure if he knows his electric shock thingy isnt working alright...

"Mmmh." I mumbled.

"What?" The agent guy was clearly shocked by me actually speaking to him.

"What?" I mimicked mockingly.

"Right, so you do talk, interesting... this must be one of your first jumps. You refused to talk before." Okay... The man in the suit appeared to take some photographs out of his pocket. The furthest back these dates go is... 1769!? An old photo of what looks to be a couple is in the black and white photograph, with a figure off to the left, circled in red. It's difficult to make out but it's most likely me. This one is in better condition and now in colour, November 1963. Shit, did I kill JFK? That would be funny as fuck, considering I had to write essays on that shit. My history teacher can official shove those 10 pages of: 'Was Lee Harvey Oswald the main suspect?' Right up his-

'Yawn. Stop blathering on.'

Wait. Do you hear that? It sounds like someone whispering 'Lavan, shut the fuck up, nobody cares'.

Third and finally we have 10th of July, 1969, and if I remember correctly that is... 6 days before the launch date of Apollo 11. Don't even know where I am in this one, just got a more detailed frame of me dropping down on fire like a meteor. Considering the date, probably the Kennedy Space Centre or somewhere important to the launch.0

"So, do I get to go now or...?"

"No." The suit flatly told me. "You are to be contained here until further notice."

"Well shit." As the cuffs finished melting, I smacked both fists into either side of his head, concussing him, then I kicked over the table, nailing him in his kneecaps and sending him, the table and the chair falling back."for a second there I thought we could be somewhat civil with this."

'John, I'm sorry but I have to do this. I'm going to accelerate the rate you gain magic for a while, it'll sting for a bit, and drain me, but it should mean you can melt the door open and shrug off anything they hit you with.'

"How much will this hu- HOLY FUCK YOUR NAN'S SHIT WITH A CUNT UP HER ASS! YOU FUCK, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE- Oh hey, it doesn't hurt anymore." My arms lit up with an intense white fire, while my arms grayed and cracks began to appear on the palms of my hands, revealing lava flowing through most of my arms. A few droplets trickling out every so often. "This shit is siiiick."

With my new strength available, the door was quickly reduced to a pile of scrap, molten metal seeping onto the floorand quickly cooling. The instant I walked out of the room, I was pelted with tranquilizers from four soldiers , each sat behind riot shelds held by other combatants. The darts stuck to me melted, and I grinned at the group amassed at the end of the corridor.

"You guys have watched Star Wars right?" None of them made a sound. "Going to have to force choke a bitch if you don't get out of my way." Another round of shots hit me, the soldiers were still attempting to put me to sleep. "Eh, your loss." I proceeded to shove them all against the wall, melting the muzzles of each rifle.

Need to find a way up. Stairs? Oh. They have an elevator, how convenient.

Pressing the button to open said elevator, it pinged open on its own, revealing some juggernaut motherfucker with a shotgun.

My eyes barely had time ro widen before the loud shot echoed and I felt heavy impacts into my chest, knocking me over from the sheer force of the pellets flying through me.

Winded, I tried breathing only to take in small gulps of air before I had to exhale.

My vision clearing i could see the juggernaut looming, as he cocked the barrel and proceed to shoot into me multiple times.

It put its hand to it's ear and grunted out, "Sir, the target has been neutralized. Yes, he's still breathing. 4 rounds sir CO2 gas shots like you asked for. He's still burning though, shouldn't that be impossible, I mean I ain't a science major or anything but even I know that fire doesn't go to well with that stuff. Yes Sir, I'll take him back to the cell immediately." He looked down to me again, "C'mon ya sack of shit. Get up and don't try anything funny."

"Forgot one thing though. I have all the pins on your grenades ready to be pulled. Now here's what you're going to do. Give me all your armour and your gun. Simple, right?" I gasped out, still trying to get rid of the wonded felling that shotgun left me with. Staggering, he fell backwards. "Shit." A group of grenade pins were floating inside a fiery aura. "..." he didnt even notice.

Tick.

Tick. he took off the main vest of his suit.

Tick, he threw me the gun.

Tick. "I am so very sorry for this." I whispered.

Boom. His silhouette was outlined by the explosive blasts until one shoved his body into the wall. His flesh now riddled with varies cuts and shrapnel wounds, as well as harsh burns from the explosion. He was most definitely dead...

I just killed a man.

I looked at my palm, a splatter of blood dripped down my index finger, there was no shaking. No feeling of sorrow or regret for it.

I didn't feel anything about it.

I just gave a man a bloody, unnecessary death. And... I dont feel numb or...

Am I a murderer now? I don't feel different at all.

Grabbing the bottom of his suit off of him, I slowly walked into the elevator and went for the ground floor, putting on the heavy flak armour on as passed each floor.

The fuck is wrong with me?

After 10 minutes of waiting as I passed at least twenty underground floors, stopping at practically every floor, I finally arrived at the front office of the building. The circular room housed a front desk with several elevators and stairs framing the walls, while the front of the building looked to have a glass door. The entire place had the vibrant colour scheme of edgy teenage grunge; dark grey with normal grey and some slightly lighter gray on bits of it.

"Chronos! Stop where you are." I kept moving. "God damn it, you little shit! Stop where you are. I've waited fourty years for you to pop up again and you will not walk out of this fuckin' building without answering the question."

I paused, "What question would this be, person of whom I have no history with." I scanned the guy with my eyeballs, noting his scraggy hair, that of a man in his 60's: he was starting to grey, and a frame that had seen better days. He probably smelt like prune juice and farts, but I wasn't smelling the guy, because that's weird as shit.

"You know very well, Chronos I'm talking abou

The bottom of the page looks uneven and scruffy, as if parts have been torn out.

Walking out of the imposing building, I realised that I'd been kept in the MI6 Facility in London. I slipped in to the crowd as soon as possible. Trying to make sure I wasn't followed.

After a moment of pondering, I set off to Paddington Station, to ride a train back home.

"Excuse me?" I blinked, tearing myself from a long strain of thought to answer the woman in front of me. "Would you be alright with us sitting here? The carriage is full." I nodded my head in affirmation, 'us'? I notied a child slide into the opposite seat: so that was what she meant. "Thanks."

"No problem." I leaned back against the window and the chair, feeling the vibration of the engine and the wheels through my left temple. I closed my eyes, slowly dropping into unconsciousness.

'John...'

Took your sweet ass time to get back.

'I saw the situation with that soldier.'

I'm not sure what's worse: I killed someone who had offered a surrender, or that I didn't know whar I felt about it.

'You seem like you're feeling remorse right now.'

I feel remorse for not feeling remorse.

'Well that's just fucked: if your feeling remorse over not feeling remorse, then you clearly are remorseful, dipshit.' I've noticed Lavan has been using more of my colourful vocabulary lately, and referencing more shit he has no context for: he was humming along to Hakuna Matata one day, just out of the blue.

Something odd is going on there. But enough post-event conjecture and thoughts.

...You don't understand, Lavan.

'Don't try and say that destruction has never coincided with death. I have killed many, and i have seen many die. I am there every time a soul slips into oblivion, I am there every time a ruin crumbles, I was there when the first star was born, and i will be there when the last one flickers and dies. '

...

At my silence, Lavan replied with an innocent sounding 'What?'.

...Where the fuck did that shit come from!?

Lavan didn't reply.

Ok, then. Lavan's creepy shit aside, we're nearing the station.

The train station in my home town was small, mainly used for cargo trains, rather than passenger. As such, it was fairly long compared to most, as we approached, the gridlock pattern of tracks pointing from various directions coalesced into two rails, by the time we were stopped.

Hands on knees, I pushed myself up, clicking a few joints on my ascent to...standingness? Standinghood? Erectness (Oi, cheeky)? Nevermind. Basically, I stood up and made my way to the doors, both of which were opening as I walked through. On the platform, you could smell a mixture of pleasant smells from one of the local chippies. If you ever come around there at night or when the guy who runs it isn't in, there's a slight whiff of weed that comes down from a bridge just up the hill.

It was early winter then, so there was still a crunch of dead leaves underfoot, and the temperature was somewhere between mildly chilling and rather brisk. Good for that time of year.

First order of business was family, as it should be. Thankfully, I knew my town like the back of my hand. I caught a few looks from various people around, of course I was most likely reported missing. It had been almost a year since I was taken.

A small drizzle started coming down as I strolleed up the pavement. The few droplets that hit my sizzled off into steam on impact.

Look, I know this scene is pretty short but I really cannot, for the life of me, be bothered to regale you with the tale of my silent walk home.

Rapping my knuckles on the front door, I waited to be let in. Muted footsteps could be heard coming from through the door and seconds later, it opened. On the other side was my brother, Joe, and upon seeing me practically had a heart attack before giving me one of the tightest hugs I had been given in a long time. By the end of it, we both had a few tears in our eyes. He immidiately ushered me inside.

After a round of coffee had been prepared, we sat down. "I'd imagine you have questions." I prepared myself for an onslaught.

"Yeah, but only one." I was surprised. "Where were you the last eleven months?"

"Just had to hit the nail on the head, didn't you?" I smirked. He didn't. I carried on. "In a land of magcal fucking ponies, freaky bug horses, Dragons and minotaurs."

Then my brother made like the spanish inqusition, and did the unexpected he. shin-kicked me.

"Fuck sake! Be serious with me right now, man!" He growled.

"I am." I lifted both hands. And magic began to crackle around my fingertips as Joe stared on in awe. A few seconds later, I lifted his arm and made him slap himself in the face. He was not amused.

"So you're a Jedi now?"

"Pff, I wish. I'm an avatar for some freaky magic shit at the moment."

'Did you just refer to me as, 'some freaky magic shit?'

Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

'Not sure...' He mumbled, I could feel him move around and then become agitated.

I decided to continue on with the conversation as my brother asked me something.

"Hm? Sorry, I wasn't listening for a second there."

He sighed before repeating himself, "I said: What freaky magic shit?" I mumbled an answer, "Stop mumbling."

"Spirit of destruction..."

"That sounds badass."

"It is. I am capable of magic that would make Gandalf, Merlin and Dumbledore jealous."

"I'm kind of jealous myself, actually..." he smirked. I wagged a finger.

"Not a chance." I stated bluntly.

Joe harrumphed before his face turned more grim. "Right, I've been dodging the subject, but I might as well just get this over with. John," he put a hand in my shoulder. "Dad died last month."

...

"Thank fuck for that. The old man hated me anyway." A mixture of emotions crowded my brother's face in the few seconds after I made that statement, but the most prominent was outrage. And he funneled that into his next action.

It was obvious what he planned when his arm coiled back, but I felt like he needed otherwise he'd be more pissed off with me.

Joe has a hell of an arm, by the way. Which is why it actually hurt when he punched me.

"Yeah, I deserved that. Doesn't change things though. Fucker forgot my birthday a few times, but he always remembered to tell me I would fail. Which I didn't in the end. Hell, I could of finished my PhD before this shitshow pony time travel bullshit."

"John. He's our father..."

"Enough. Where's Em." I wanted to move off the subject of our father, and onto someone I actually cared about.

"She moved out with her boyfriend 3 months after you left. She tried to hide it but she was really distraught with you disappearing."

"What about Mum? Where's she?"

"Oh, she just went to the dentist. You just missed her, in fact." Joe replied nonchalantly.

"Daxter?" That was my dog's name by the way, and totally wasn't influenced by a game trilogy at all.

"Em' took Daxter with her, good thing too. He'd never get walked if he stayed here, while you were gone."

"Sweet. My room still got my stuff in it?" I questioned, walking away.

"Same as you left it, John."

Stopping at the doorway out into the hall, I called back, "Thanks Joe, that means a lot to me."

I was unsurprised to find that my room hadn't changed a bit, aside from the cobwebs over in the corner of the room had finally been gotten rid of.

My phone was even on the same spot I left it a few months ago. I picked up the old Android and swept a hand over the screen, clearing the dust.

Holding in the power button, a little green robot appeared in the middle of the screen. Smiling, I opened my phone to find that I had received dozens of messages, missed calls, close to about three thousand people had viewed my profile, a few old friends sent some sort of condolences to my family and had posted a large collection of photos most of which were just me making stupid faces, there one or two of me passed out, drunk as hell from a party back when I was seventeen, maybe eighteen? Not sure.

I swiftly magicked my room clean, dispelling cobwebs closing windows, folding clothes and packing other stuff away. All this took about half a minute.

"Hey Joe, you there?"

Silence.

"Answer me, you lazy git!"

No response again.

"Oh for fu-, are you even here!?" I blinked out of my room, into the living room.

The old man from the facility was there. "Well."he smiled, as if victorious in his own mind. "It's taken a long, long, time but-" he interrupted himself with a cough, that soon bevame wheezing and gasping. He righted himself before continuing, "I- I finally have a name for the face."

"Who are you, old man? Why are you after me?"

The smile he had previously been sporting widened, "Now that would be telling," he remarked, almost chuckling as he did so.

A light breeze was gathering around me. "Where is my brother?" My arm lit up, flames coiling like snakes up my arm, a few molten drops coming from my fingers were searing the tiled floor.

He'll be dead if you don't calm yourself, boy."

I pulled back the flames. The wind was still flowing, stronger now than it was before. A few sparks were flying through the air.

"I told you. Enough." The old geezer lost his smile.

"Not me, Jackass. I ain't doing shit right now."

Walking towards me he found a spherical barrier was covering me. Realising what this meant, I decided to grab as many necessary items as possible so I was running through the house to find everything. If I was out of time, I'd make damn sure I only had one reason to come back, and that would be kicking this guys false teeth out and saving Joe's arse.

With an armful of items, and my near lifeless phone, I felt the sharp tug of the contract pulling me back through, and heard the old man yelling his throat out.

The short trip felt more unstable than it was on the way to 2016, it felt as if the strong bridge between time had become a rickedy old rope with a few slabs of wood hanging off one side. Shades of all colours flew around me as I caught glimpses of possible futures, pasts and eventualities.

All in all, it was trippy as shit.

The first thing to assault me was not the somewhat broght colours of the castle, but a pink abomination tackling me to the floor.

"Hiya!"

"Ow..." I think that hurt more than the shotgun, if I'm being honest.

"Wow Johnny you were gone for like a week! But then it was like a year and a bit, because some lazy bones was being lazy, and now you're here again! ISN'T THIS AMAZING!!???"

"Yeah, I guess." Honestly, that mare vexes me in ways unfathomable to anyone who hasn't met her directly.

'John, I think I need to get out of your body for a while.' A few seconds after, a pile of molten sludge came seeping out of my mouth, making me look like I'd just puked lava on Twilight's floor.

'Ah,thats be-tter, now I don't have to hear all the bullshit tangents you go off on whenever anyone so much as looks at you." The spirit nagged.

"Wait, since when do I go off on tangents?"

"You do, and you do it a lot. Nearly as much
much as you swear."

"The swearing thing is mainly down to the fact that, maybe, just maybe, I'm kind of freaked out that the world I live in is now inhabited by SOME WEIRD ASS HORSES, BIRD LIONS, BIG HORSES, COW MEN, FLYING LIZARDS AND ALL THE OTHER WEIRD MAGICAL RAINBOW BULLSHIT THAT ONLY A DERANGED ULTRA FANTASY FAN COULD COME UP WITH!" I breathed, "and the only consulation is that I get is magic, along with a few friends on the side. That's probably a valid reason, as well." I ranted rather loudly in front of a shocked Lavan and a Pinkie that was trying to scoop up the sludge with a spoon, only for it to melt and sink into the shiny grimer wannabe. I sighed, "Alright, I just needed to get that out of my system. I'm ok now."

"Jonny, why did a red goopy thing come through your face?" Pinkie asked, inspecting Lavan with a magnifying glass.

"First of all you spelt my name wrong, and second of all, this is Lavan spirit of destruction, other dastardly sounding titles, and as he has never failed to remind me, Celestia's professional sex toy."

Lavan began morphing himself into a more anthropomorphic form, until he made something that, if you looked real close, was slightly similar to me, except made of lava, with yellow blobs instead of eyes.

He turned his head around to face Pinkie without shifting his sludgy form, "Hi."

He turned back to me, "I'm pretty sure that prolonged exposure to your memories and thoughts was manipulating my personality and mindset to mimic yours. And I have been proved right, as I feel less like an edgy teenager with daddy issues."

"I'm not a teenager and my dad was a right prick."

"Meh, I don't care too much to remember things like ages anyway." He shrugged, eyeing the room.

Does you not being in me mean I lose the magic stuff?"

"Yep. Well, most of it anyway." He poked some machinery lying around the room.

"So what do I get?"

You can channel energy into your hands, mold it into... what ever you want, I guess. Heat up your body a fair bit too." He coughed, muffling another bit of information.

"What was that? Couldn't hear you."

"A longer lifespan."

"Oh. Sweet. How much longer?"

"As long as there is still something to destroy. You are effectively ageless. You are taking this better than I thought you would."

"Still killable though?"

"A toaster in the tub wouldn't kill you anymore but a bullet to the head probably would, although it depends where in the head you got shot."

"Hey, I exist ya know!" Pinkie grumbled.

"Be silent pink one! now as I was-"

"JOHN!" I was suddenly attacked by a purple thing, which wrapped it's hooves around me. Twilight was soon levitating me onto the air, babbling about finally being able to send a letter to Princess Celestia.

After an ear scratch and sufficient hugs, she calmed down enough to actually notice Lavan.

I also noticed that Pinkie had disappeared leaving a cupcake with my face on it. A small note read: "If you don't eat this I'll hunt you down." Why isn't this girl in a mental asylum already?

After a long introduction filled with sample taking and magical scans, Twilight yanked Spike from... I don't actually know, he just appeared from somewhere.

"Hi." The dragon said, hanging upside down by his purple spiked tail, encased in Twilight's magical grip.

"Hey, bud. Twilight working you hard?" He huffed, crossing his arms while Twilight forced a quill into his claws.

"You wouldn't beli-"

"Spike! Take a note..." She began monologuing as a quill scraped along parchment.

"-So as I was sayi-"

"Concentrate, Spike." Twilight reminded, causing a wisp of fire to burn through his nostrils, a common bit of dragon body language to show anger or displeasure. He quickly scribbled down the letter before poofing it away.

"She's been a reaaaal slave driver." He huffed

"I can tell." Shifting my attention to Twilight, I continued, "So I'm guessing I didn't come back a few seconds after I left?"

"You've been gone for 3 weeks, and there have been real problems we've found while you were gone, as the contract seemed to have been tampered with."

Twilight's more serious tone had me interested, if not a tiny bit worried, "What was the backlash?"

Twilight levitated a parchment and quill towards us, holding the blank page vertically.

"This is you going there." A single hole pierced the centre of the paper. "And this is what happened when you were on your way back." The quill jabbed at the parchment, creating a pattern not dissimilar to a shotgun spread.

"Oh."

Twilight continued, We've found something too, and I was hoping you could tell us what it is." She motioned me forward, bringing out an extremely familiar object. "When we found it, it seemed to have displaced a perfectly spherical area of space, taking along a piece of wooden flooring and a box.

"No way... You found a Gameboy Colour?" I fiddled around and saw that the batteries had died while inside, and fried most of the electronics. "Well shit, thats useless." There was no game in there either.

"Is it dangerous?" I gave Sparky a flat look.

"No. It's perfectly safe. It's in horrible condition though." I tossed her the worn-down handheld, which she quickly caught with her magic. "If you had a good enough look at it, you might be able to salvage something." Spike nabbed the Gameboy out of Twilight's grip. "Is it possible that things might come back from different times as well?"

"Probably a temporal radius of 3000 years."

"So 1000BC till 5000AD?" I mumble to myself, forgeting Twilight had a lot stronger semse of hearing than me.

Twilight gasped, "Oooh, is that your
Species' calender?" What does BC and AD stand for? Does that mean you're from 2000AD or are there different ages than those two?"

"Yeah, BC is 'Before Christ' , and AD is 'Anno Domini'. It means 'In the year of our lord'."

"What is Christ?"

"Some magic bloke who died."

"Oh. Why is he important then?"

"It would take way long to explain so I'll just say that people thought he was some kind of deity, like how people treat Celestia." As a scientist, religion was not my forté. Mythology was always interesting though.

At this point a return letter was burped out of Spike who had been quietly listening and fiddling with the gameboy the entire time.

Twilight quickly unfurled it, looking at it quizzically before turning to the main door and opening it, only for a very pissed Celestia to come stalking through.

"WHERE IS HE!??"

Her rainbow-like mane was starting to sizzle, sparks licking froming the tips of the flowing follicles. It was actually starting to get a bit warm for me, while Twilight was starting to pant and sweat. Spike didn't seem to notice the change in temperature.

Lavan drifted through a door, and his glowing eyes widened.

"Hello Celly."

She went snout to face with the spirit, seemingly not caring about the magma dripping onto her nose.

"Why, I- Grrrrrr. You...!" Her mane was starting to fade into an orangy red.

"I know, you're too stunned by my handsomeness for words." Lavan proudly proclaimed.

"Why are you here?" Celestia spoke through gritted teeth, while the little embers left her mane, cooling the room immensely.

"Well that's a very long story." Lavan crossed his arms.

"I have time."

The Lava blob sighed, turning around. "So you remember the day I was imprisoned in the mountain?"

"Yes. I do remember sealing you away to protect Equestria. It was one of my many great regrets, but of course it had to be done."

"Well, it turns out the Canterlot actually rests on a volcano, not a mountain. Which meant I could slowly trickle through small pockets until one of them led outside." He turned around to face us and his eyes narrowed. "Every year I inched closer to freedom one crack in the mountain at a time until one day, I finally made it. I had expended nearly all of my energy and I was coming close to cooling, which turns me solid, reducing me to a stony prison." He looked directly at me. "And who else should I find but you, unconscious in an unknown building."

"Is that how the building caught on fire?" I asked.

"Of course. It wasn't easy getting into you the first time, as your mental defences were rather formidable."

The bonding process required for me to leech strength from you was violent to say the least, and it took away most of what I had left."

I contemplated this. "And then you became lucid a couple days later and began the long process of regenerating yourself."

"Regenerating myself would've been easy. It was the fact that I couldn't kill you that made it difficult."

"Why? Why not kill me?"

"It didn't seem right."

"So my life rested on whether you were in a shit mood or not?" I asked, only mildly irritated.

"Pretty much." He confirmed.

"Some days, I just really don't get you."

Celestia butted in "You still haven't answered the second most important question."

"What would that be?"

"How come you didn't start razing villages as soon as you had become strong enough?"

"I think we have Johnny boy to thank for that. Being in his mind has affected me, to say the least." Closing the distance between him and Celestia, he leaned up to her. "His personality began to shift my own. I'm still me, but there's just a tiny bit of someone else in there too."

Celestia's breath hitched, "Now there's just one more answer I need."

What is it, Sunshine?" They were so close now that they were exchanging each breath.

"D-Do you still love me?"

Neither of them needed to speak another word.

...*flash*...

The two ancient beings turned to see a rectangular object held in John's left hand, pressed against his eye.

Lavan looked furious. "Why, you little shi-"

Author's Note

It Lives...

Chapter XV: Long Time, No See?

Author's Note

To recap for those who need it:

John has had to split with Lavan, due to the effect on Lavan's mental state. Meanwhile, a Necromancer has been sighted far from Equestria. Helix, who is currently in the process of re-ordering Chrysalis' old hive is worried about old changeling legends.

In human times, Old guy McNameless has John's brother. He needs to get him back.

Be on the look out for typos people, and sorry for the wait.

Chapter XV: Long Time, No See?

After a few minutes of hiding from Lavan, he seemed to have cooled down to some extent and was currently cuddling with Sun horse in one of the many bedrooms in Twilight's castle.

I don't want to think about what else they might have done in that room.

I, on the other hand, was too busy catching up with Twilight, we talked about Starlight Glimmer, a mare who had recently became her pupil.

She also told me about her new niece, which is good for her, I guess. To be honest, I either forgot or didn't know that Cadence (Twilight's sister-in-law who I haven't written about because I don't believe I've actually talked to her) was pregnant. The child was a filly named Flurry Heart, which sounds so saccharine that only she could have come up with it.

"John, seeing as most of your powers came from Lavan... How are you going to lead the guard?"

Eating the cupcake Pinkie had gifted to me earlier, I shrugged. "I guess I'll just have to be a tactical leader."

But you need to be able to defend yourself, John! If something happens, you'll need to be able to protect other ponies too."

"My natural good looks and charm?"

"You cant defend yourself with things that don't exist." ...Did i just get roasted? I think I did.

"I have no clue then."

"Well get one soon, I don't want you to get hurt."

"Neither do I, Sparkplug."

Suddenly a loud banging sounded at the door. Spike came from wherever he was before shouting, "I'll get it!" Before he was bashed aside by an extremely quick, dark blue blur.

Then I was flattened by the blur. It hugged me very tiightly afterwards.

"You're back! I thought you were gone! When the princess told me you didn't come back I thought you just left us to go home!" I was about to open my mouth when I founded it silenced by a very soft pair of lips.

Where did this come from? Not that I'm complaining but...

I wrapped my fingers through her mane tugging her gently closer, and she closed her eyes, moaning into my mou-

"Ahem." Twilight coughed.

Moon quickly leapt upwards, "I'm sorry Ma'am, I was rather... caught up and didn't notice you." Twilight glared at her. "We will take our business elsewhere Princess Sparkle, sorry for the disturbance." In an act of suprising strength and agility, Moonflower grabbed my arms with her suction cup-like hooves and flew us away, Sonic and Tails style, except she had wings instead of two propeller tails.

You get the idea.

We were gliding through one of the castle's many hallways until Moonflower dived into one she deemed suitable and she Immediately tossed me onto the plush queen sized bed.

"Uh, Moon?"

"Yes Sweetie?" Sweetie? Never called me that before.

"Are you in estrus?"

"Yessss! I-I mean yes, yes I am."

"Is this thing just the estrus or..." I left the sentence unfinished as the heated mare slammed her lips against mine, slipping a lot of tongue.

She moved away from me the tiniest bit, her lips grazing mine as she whispered, "It's not just the Estrus."

the rest of this page seems to have remained blank, somewhat as if someone wouldn't want to share this moment with random people who came across such a book.

After five minutes of assorted games like the horizontal tango and a one-sided sausage eating contest, a knock sounded at the door startling both of us.

"John? Are you in here?" Spike. Fuck, why'd it have to be Spike.

"Yeah, bud? What d'ya need?"

"Twilight was wondering if you had chosen what weapon you were going to learn to fight with." He opened the door.

"Spike." The mare next to me snuggled closer. "This isn't what it looks like."

"So Moonflower wasn't helping you pick?" Wait, he can't actually be that naive can he?

"She was. Neither of us really came to a conclusion yet though."

"Oh, Ok. See you at dinner then."

"Bye." He lightly closed the door behind him and I let out a breath that I wasn't sure I was holding. "That was clo-

Spike quickly opened the door, "For the record, I totally know you guys were having sex." He then agily shut it before I could respond.

I was sat up in bed for one very long minute, stroking Moon's mane as I thought, "Shit." The mare underneath the covers yawned loudly. "Is getting really sleepy after sex a mare thing?"

"Only when we're in estrus." She mumbled through the covers.

"Are you sure? Because it could just be me."

I was given a light thunk on the knee for that one. As my revenge, I removed the covers from her body, making her open her eyes and scrunch her face up at me in mock anger.

"You don't know what evil you have unleashed, Human."

"But you're way too adorable to be evil." I booped her nose causing her scrunchiness to increase to heart attack inducing levels.

"You're gonna put me in a coma if you get anymore adorable you know."

She didn't like that, "Listen here, mister. You can call me sexy or beautiful but I am not ador-" boop.

The next 10 minutes consisted of chasing each other and moving our fun times to my room, which was conveniently not too far away. Spike had dropped off the stuff I had brought back with me and placed it by the bed, except for my phone, which I was keeping on my person.

Moon was too busy rolling around on my bed like a dog with an ichy back.

"You look really silly right now."

She looked at me with lidded eyes, turning and opening her hindlegs towards me. "How about now?"

I think Moonflower might have passed out, it was to be expected, I suppose. Most mares tend to pass out when their heat is satisfied, As it becomes easier and safer for conception to occur.

That won't happen, as ponies have 64 chromosomes while humans have 46.

Yeah, I researched this shit, don't judge me. Basically, we aren't genetically compatible.

So back to reality, I was looking at her for a minute and combing my fingers through her fur. I was yawning as much as she was snoring, so I just nodded off next to her. It was a pleasant rest, and the first I'd had since the train back home.

Dinner was a loud affair, with Spike pretending to puke as Lavan and Sunbutt were feeding each other at the far end of a large crystal dining table, while Twilight shushed him. Moonflower was wolfing down a salad from across the length of the bus sized slab of gems, while I was eating some imported sausages and mashed potato. I found out that Spike didn't know how to make gravy, so we made some quickly, with magical assistance from Twi, of course.

*dun Dun DUN*

An unusually loud noise came from my pocket, silencing the table. I immediately recognised the overly dramatic tone as my phone's notification sound, and pulled it out accordingly.

'Remember to take doggo for walk after food.'

I was rather unimpressed. I expected some kind of big reveal, or something major was about to happen. I unlocked and flicked through my notification tab, deleting the alarm and going back to eating.

Those sat at the table soon began talking again, but Twilight had her big purple eyeballs on me.

"John, did you forget to tell me about what you brought back?"

"Nope." I continued talking between mouthfuls. "Its just that some of it is none of your business." She seemed rather shocked at my open denial, and irritated by my attitude, and her expression ended up as a blend between the two.

"Tell me. I have to know if you brought something dangerous, John." She sternly told me.

"You know, you're starting to sound like Sunbutt," I pointed my fork at Celestia, who was currently feeding lavan an ice cream, which turned to coloured vapour before he even touched it. "And no, Its no more dangerous than a book."

"I'll take your comparison as a compliment." She beamed.

Rolling my eyes, I mumbled. "I wouldn't, it worries me. If she's turning someone into a worthy successor, where does that put her?"

"We need to talk about your attitude towards the princess, actually about your attitude to everypony."

"Pff, sorry Mum." I mockingly whined in a high pitched voice.

Sparkle growled, gritting her flat herbivore teeth together.

Dinner soon came to a close and Twilight ushered me away, while Moonflower followed us from a distance. She didn't think I noticed her, but the salad she had stank like the set of a scat porno set on fire while a bunch of dead skunks were getting cooked as well, meaning I could smell her from a mile away. Twilight wrinkled her nose up in front of me, probably thinking it was the meat I had.

You had to be there to experience that, as I don't think I could properly put it into words.

Anyway, Twilight let me into her room, sat down on a pillow by a lit fireplace and ushered me towards a larger pillow beside her. Shrugging, I plopped myself down and sat cross-legged.

"John, why do you hate Celestia?"

"Twilight, I don't hate her, I actually quite enjoy her company but her entire existence runs in the face of my beliefs." She motioned for me to continue, not satisfied woth the answer. "The Sun does not rotate around the Earth. Its a simple fact and if your explanation of why it is true involves any words that rhyme with tragic I'm going to teleport away, and this conversation will never be spoken of again." I can't even teleport but she doesn't know that.

After failing to accomplish anything from that conversation, I walked out of her room and kicked one of the walls. The wall proceeded to put up a fight and hurt my foot in retaliation.

Stupid wall.

If she wouldn't listen to anyone but Celestia, then she wasn't going to do or believe anything unless she told her.

This entire page was useless so I'm tempted to just tear it out and forget about it.

But I'll keep it here, because why not.

The next morning, I completed my morning rituals and went outside, finding lava dripping from above, onto the now ashen spot in the sea of green grass that covered practically all of Ponyville.

Walking around the puddle, I could see Lavan hanging upside-down from one of the balconies. Promptly deciding to ignore his bullshit, I walked into town and bought some stuff with money I nicked from Twilight.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm sure she has enough money to keep living comfortably.

It's not like she's a princess or anything...

As I was walking through one of the wide open streets of the town, I could see a little blue dot wiggling around a few metres in front of me. Blinking, I dismissed it as a simple trick of the eye until it suddenly became substantially larger, and surrounding ponies began crowding around it.

Then it disappeared. A moment of silence encapsulated the street as they waited for something to happen.

For a second, I could see a blue figure in front of me, and then something dropped onto the roof of a nearby house.

One pony yelled out in anger, most likely the owner of the cottage.

I asked him if he could open the door as a colourful pegasus flew towards the scene.

"What happened? I heard somethin' smash from my cloud."

"Some...thing just dropped into a house." I turned to her, you think you could airlift me in? It would be easier than going through the door and getting up to the thing that dropped in."

"No. Do it yourself."

"You're just worried you're too weak to lift me." I smugly smiled.

"Nuh-uh, Pinkie's already used that trick on me, and it's not gonna work again!"

I thanked the guy who gave me his weird pony keys that I had to fiddle with for a minute before getting a decent grip.

Unlocking the door, I could see that the floor above had caved in slightly from the impact, there were splintered pieces of wood scattered around on the floor, luckily nobody/pony else was inside, so I didn't have to worry about that.

From upstairs i could faintly hear some familiar music.

This looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow me
'Cause we need a little Controversy
'Cause it feels so empty, without me!

"What's that?" Rainbow said from behind me, which for the record did not scare me at all.

After my (definitely not) near-heart attack. I responded, "Music. Some people wouldn't 'dignify it' with that title though."

"Oh... It's catchy."

"That's probably the first thing we've ever agreed on."

"Pff, yeah. But only because you always talk so much horseapples. I mean do you really expect me to believe that ponies like you managed to go ten times faster than me?"

"More like twenty-five but you can keep believing that, Skittles, I said heating up one of the door hinges and then pushing the door away once the metal had gone soft. I kept the heat contained, so it didn't set the house on fire trying to melt... whatever metal door hinges are made of.

The door led into a small corridor, two of 3 rooms on either side, a few names and keep out signs on some of the doors. Their was a flight of stairs right next to the door I came from anyway, so I just walked upstairs instead, hitting my head on the ceiling once or twice on the way up, while Rainbow was spewing nonsense about how the Wonderbolts could beat the human air force or something silly like that.

Once I was upstairs, I could see the source of the song, a boombox. There was a little note. 'If found please return to-' there was an address from that I didn't recognise.

"Welp, its mine now." I burned off the address and flicked the power off. At Rainbow's look, I rolled my eyes. "It's not as if this belongs to anyone else any more and I doubt ponies know what a boombox is."

"Yeah I do! Vinyl Scratch has one."

"Does technology just exist here? I mean, You live in middle age cottages, but you have a DJ with tech from the communication age. Then there's a hydroelectric power station somewhere."

"Translate that from egghead to normal pony, please."

"And this is why I don't like talking to you."

"Sheesh, someone can't take a joke."

Gritting my teeth, I teleported out to get away from the irritating little... Wait, I thought I couldn't use magic anymore?

"That would be my doing, Johnno." Looking up, Discord had his snout pressed up against my nose. "Good afternoon! My, oh my, what do we have here!" The Draconequus slinked his arms under the boombox, lifting it from my hands. "What a fancy doohickey. Can I have it?"

"Not yet, Q. I need to give it to the squishy ponies. Could you drop me precisely in front of Twilight?"

With a snap, I was face to face with a massive poster of a dumb vampire. "Wrong Twilight. Put me in front of Twilight Sparkle and give me the boombox. Another snap and I was in front of Purple Smart.

"Take this. It might be different from the Equestrian version."

"Excuse me?" Book pone questioned.

I sighed, pointing at the box. "Human tech. Could be different from the ones you have."

"Oh. Okay. Celestia sent this to you." Sparkplug levitated a letter to me, while placing the boombox somewhere.

I nabbed it quickly in my magic, for a second my faded orange flame mixing with Twilight's pink aura, turning it into a dark purple flame until she released the letter.

Undoing the seal, I began to read.

Your first regiment will be arriving shortly.

~♡ Celestia

Blinking I re-read her sign off, verifying that she had indeed drawn a heart.

"Bizarre."

"What's bizarre? Twilight asked, flying up to eye-level before hovering in space. "Why did she write a heart at the end?"

"You ask as if I have any idea myself. Are the barracks ready to receive? I have the timetables on me."

Suddenly, from off-screen, a wild Spike appeared! "The barracks are ready, Cap'n."

"Good. What's the time?"

"Time to get a watch." Sparky and the midget dragon HILARIOUSLY sniped back, using one of the most original jokes to ever exist.

"Please end yourselves. Also, why am I the one doing this? I'm pretty sure all of them are better trained than I am." I mean, I can understand that I was in a big fight, but I got my arse beat. I can't fathom why I of all people/ponies got chosen.

"There are only three trained mages of different arts in the group. The rest will be going through standard guard training."

"Ok. You still didn't answer my question though."

"I've given you this position because I believe you can do it, and Princess Celestia agrees."

"M'kay." I didn't have time to voice any other concerns because a large contingency of guards came bustling through the front door in ordered file while two robed unicorns and a really tall earth pony moved to the head of the pack and separated themselves. They, I assumed, were the three mages of the group. Twilight handed me a list of names, some of whom were just plain weird.

Summer Oak: Tall unicorn stallion with a thick brown coat and dull golden tufts of fur growing around his spine covering the top of his head and merging into his tail. Specialises in plant based magics and medicine. He comes from up north and is used to colder climates.

Silhouette: Young mare, Dark grey fur, black mane and tail that seems to shine with a dark purple when she uses magic, Interesting. Specialising in shadow magic.

Rocky Arids: A camel, measuring up to Celestia, except this guy is built like a brick shithouse. Seems he was born in modern day egypt. Born of a long line of gifted camels with extremely potent control of earth.

"Welcome, people. Get yourselves comfortable because in a few days we'll be giving you chances to prove yourselves. The princess and I have devised a set of aptitude tests as well as a dueling tournament as monthly occurrences. The aptitude tests will be quick enough that they will barely take time out of your day."

I turned to Twilight. "If you would do the honours." Her horn began to glow as sheets of paper magically teleported in front of each member. "These are timetables, they dictate when and where you are to be on a day-to-day basis, each guard has weekly patrol shifts and training time, any time not allocated on the sheet is free time to do as you please. Any questions?" A single hoof emerged from the sea of ponies. "Yes?"

"Do patrols span across Ponyville or the castle?"

"Good question. Half of them are in castle and half of them are not. Patrol times with a star over them are in castle and the rest are in Ponyville. Anyone else?" I took the silence as a negative. "Then Spike will show you the barracks, good night." Ponies poured out of the room behind Spike who was marching out, feeling proud of himself. As soon as people left the room I breathed a sigh of relief. "Well that was terrifying."

"I think you did really well." Twilight nudged me in the side.

"You didnt see the judgemental look in their eyes, peering into your soul. God, talking to crowds is really fucking difficult. I was literally sat there internalising my anxiety for so long it felt like hours."

"Calm down John, it was only a minute."

"A minute of torture..." I mumbled. "I think I'm just gonna go outside and take a breather." I strolled out of the overly large front door and sat down on the foot of the castle steps, comfortably sat myself down. Resting my head on my hand, I took in the cool evening air and peered at the simmered down activity around Ponyville.

After about five minutes I got bored and started counting how many of each colour of pony was walking past. I had almost forgotten myself and was just blankly staring towards the town centre, unsure of what was going on around me when a pink hoof tapped at my foot, pulling everything back into focus.

"You're John, right?" The source coming from the purple maned mare above me, I believe she fit the description of 'Starlight Glimmer' a pony that Twilight had been talking about recently.

"I am, you must be Starlight, Twilight's told me a bit about you." She cringed slightly.

"Not too much, I hope?" She smiled, slightly awkward.

"Not more than your name and how you look. Why, does she know something weird about you? A deep seated phobia? A bizarre fetish?" I got a giggle from that.

"No, not quite." She seemed relieved about me not knowing whatever it is she was talking about. "Are you coming back in?

"Nah, I'm gonna stay out for a bit longer." Besides I needed to see how badly my magic was affected by the loss of Lavan.

Once I heard the loud 'clunk' of the door slamming behind me, I pushed myself to my feet snd started concentrating as hard as I could. Sadly I was only able to keep up a weak ember. A shred of what I could've done with him.

At least now I can begin to improve my own magic, instead of clinging to Lavan for support.

And so I spent several hours trying to bolster what was available to me by keeping the flame up for as long as possible, to no avail. Perhaps it isn't to do with power as much as it is to do with technique?

I'll have to try this out in the morning, for now though time to head back inside and sleeeeeeeeeeep...

Ah, what a peaceful night's sleep.

"Wake me up! (Wake me up inside) I can't wake up." My phone screeched.

"Why did I change my alarm to this again?" I sighed, rolling out of bed and tapping the snooze button before attempting to return to dreamland.

"SIR!"

One heart attack later and I was wide awake, standing on the bed while a non-descript unicorn stallion was stood by my bedside.

"Princess Twilight ordered me to deliver you this!" Ok. That doesn't explain why you're yelling. He passed a small letter that I threw on the bed.

"Tell her I'll read it when I'm able, also could ya chill with the volume, mate. Its nine in the morning. Humans require a bit more sleep than ponies and tend to wake up a lot slower." That was of course complete bullshit that I made up to get extra hours of sleep every morning. "Anyway, I'll dress myself and be down in a minute."

"Yes sir. Sorry for the disruption, sir." He spoke, this time a few tones softer. "I was ignorant to your people, sir." Jeez, this guy is a bit intense.

"Listen man- stallion, whatever. I don't really mind if you want to treat me like this but, to be honest I'd prefer if you just dropped the Sir and called me Smith. Because most of you have been in more fights than I have."

"But we didn't take part in the dethroning of Chrysalis."

"You also didn't get beaten to a pulp in the dethroning of Chrysalis. So thats one thing you have over me." As we were talking I was quickly clothing myself and had just finished putting on a shirt when a loud thud sounded below us. "What was that?"

"They must've missed some of the soundproofing on the dueling and casting room. Happens a lot at Canterlot." Of course the loudest room in the place would be underneath mine. "I've been told the current match is quite intense, sir."

"Who's fighting?" I asked, pushing my head through the collar of my shirt.

"Silhouette and Rocky Arids, sir."

"Mind teleporting us down there?" I grabbed a pair of trousers before we were both pulled through to the Dueling room. A couple eyes drew to us, which then turned to a lot of eyes when they realized my dignity was only protected by a pair of annoyingly tight boxers, I quickly scrambled to cover myself.

After some awkward seconds of rushing to put my trousers on, the room pulled its attention back to the fight, where the camel bull was balancing himself on a large pillar of rock, planting his hooves firmly as minerals and stones were flowing around his forelegs. The dark unicorn mare was firing beams of dark purple magic rapidly, while the earth pony sent pillars to block the spell before it collided, each spell shrieking as it collided with the rock before dispersing. He wrapped the mare in a tentacle-like appendage made of sand before she fazed into shadow and slipped out, appearing behind him charging a spell to finish him.

Whack! In a move that the shady mare clearly didn't see coming, the Camel reared up on his forelegs and bucked her off the pillar, knocking her unconscious.

"Rocky Arids has been declared the victor!" Apparently someone was commentating on that match.

Rocky Arids interested me, as he was probably the first new species of sapient life that I had seen since coming here. I really need to get that clarified. Because I've been eating bacon, but from what I've heard, Pigs are capable of founding cities.

He noticed me as I approached, snapping to attention. I quickly told him it wasn't necessary, which he was quite happy about considering how he had physically exerted himself. He spoke with a surprisingly soft spoken egyptian accent, something I didn't expect for one as huge as he was. Sitting down, he thanked me for allowing him to relax, "I am not one for unneeded exertion, captain, and I see now that you are not one for unneeded pomp and circumstance. Most other higher-ups do not have the same casual nature as you."

"Its no problem, man. I'm just trying not to be a cunt." He blinked.

"I was informed of your... colourful vocabulary before but I was not aware that such a word was still spoken of today."

"What, cunt?"

"Yes, that slur is very old griffish slang. Two to three hundred years old, I believe."

"Cool, I guess."

We sort of stopped talking after that and I remembered that I was in charge, so I sent everyone off to their respective jobs while I goofed off. A patrol walked by once or twice so I pretended that I was doing something important until they passed.

After I got bored, I decided to test my magic a bit more and, after an hour or so of experimentation, discovered that I could actually absorb heat from my surroundings and use a stronger form of it while in contact with objects. This ability was making me question whether or not my magic was actually based on heat, rather than fire. Although if this was true how come I can't flash-freeze anything but I can set something ablaze with ease?

I wonder if it's possible to increase the size of my mana quicker than normal?

"I have to what!?"

"You have to meditate in magma, or anything else that reaches such high temperatures. The strongest fire mages have been known to meditate for upwards of a day inside the core of a volcano." Twilight explained, magically waving about a tome big enough to kill with a blow to the head.

"Right. What if the magma hardens over the top of me while I'm inside?"

"You'll have to be mined out or reheat the magma yourself."

"...What if I can't heat the magma up?"

"Then you'd be, as you say, 'fucked'." She quoted.

"Language, Twilight."

"John, I don't even know what that word means." I then proceeded to give her the definition of what language meant until she bopped me lightly with the book.

"I ain't gonna tell you what that word means, Twiggles, you precious little pure-hearted purple horn horse." I smiled patronizingly and pinched her cheeks. The pout she made, almost made the next book slap worth it.

Almost.

Well, it's around this time I'd usually end this entry with a huge cliffhanger, but nothing really happened over the next few weeks.

Why are you still reading? I'm only writing this so I can get a few more words in to make it seem like the rest of the entries.

--A torn page--

In the deep, no light pierced the gaps that sunk downward, seemingly unending.

An unkempt group of hooves slowly pressed against the dirt covered rocks, followed by a cloak that swiftly concealed what little could be seen of what was lurking underneath it.

Like a ghost, the hooded stallion glided downwards, deeper, the only illumination was a single spell, a lantern of murky purple magic, seething and flicking off sparks of energy, arcing like lightning every so often.

Deeper.

Deeper.

The air was thin enough to suffocate down here. Not a problem, as he hadn't needed to breath for centuries.

The prize was now in sight, two large changeling corpses, one with a single large dragonfly-like wing of red and one coloured blue and wingless. Each were surrounded by mountains of drones.

A simple flex of the figure's will had his magic flood each corpse, dragging their souls back inside and crushing them.

The two royal changelings had their eyes flood with purple leaving only the black pit of their pupils and turned to their master. The magic ceased as the last frone stood, a veritable army now stood at attention, awaiting orders.

The red and blue changeling spoke in sync. "Lord, may we make a request as our first order?" They were answered with a nod. "We would like to take revenge on the ones who killed us here."

"Vengeance is my quest as well, changeling. I will not stop you from taking yours." Glowing orange eyes leered from beneath the hood.

"Thank you." They looked upwards into the darkness.

The hooded necromancer's horn glowed faintly, and the entire army warped to the surface. In the light of the desert area, the carapace of the changelings seemed to simultaneously molt, bleaching their carapace a light gray, before they cracked and shed them completely.

"I trust you can find your way home." The mage disappeared with a shriek of dark magic, leaving the resurrected hive behind in silence.

Chapter XVI: Anomaly

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter XVII: Red And Blue

"You really know how to test my patience, Spike." I said as the dragon in question, dropped another plus-four card on me. Twilight and Starlight were talking about teaming up in the background while I picked up my new cards.

Hoovo. A pony game similar to Uno and just as good at destroying friendships. Spike had made a fatal error by hitting me with the plus-four however, and revenge would be swift. Once my turn was over, Twilight and Starlight whispered among themselves.

"The wildcard is now a red." Spike told Twilight, who dropped down a red immediately, while Starlight threw a reverse, followed by Twilight dropping another normal red.

Revenge would be served, slow and painfully. I dropped a plus-four, making Spike grimace while I smugly grinned at him.

Once he was done picking up those cards, I dropped another and he looked at me with searing anger.

He finished, waiting for me to drop another, I sat still and he made to drop one of his down.

With lightning speed I slammed down the last plus-four, and he threw his arms up in the air, scattering his cards and then walking away in a huff. Twilight was openly guffawing, tears running down her face as her adoptive brother stalked off, while Starlight giggled at his expense.

"You're evil! He didn't deserve that!" Starlight grinned, magicking the cards back into the bottom of the pile.

"Maybe if he wasn't bad at it, he wouldnt of gotten hit." I talked loudly enough for Spike to hear in the other room. It was always funny to rub in a victory.

"Fuck off!" Spike yelled angrily.

Twilight gasped, "Spike! There is no need for that kind of language."

"HOW COME HE GETS TO SAY IT ALL THE TIME THEN!?" Twilight looked at me.

"Can you stop?" She asked.

"I mean, probably fucking not."

The fight against the egghead duo was tough, but eventually I won through, despite their meagre attempts at teamwork.

"You guys are just mad cause you got outplayed." I smugly taunted as Twilight pouted. "If only you were better at the game, maybe you could have won."

Twilight pouted even harder and then tried to bop me on the head with A history of Equestria, AKA the bopping book because that tome is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal, I mean, you could kill someone with it!

Around this time, Spike belched up a letter, Twilight grabbing it before it hit the Drake's palms. After a momentary scan, Twilight looked up. "John, you should get ready for a mission. We'll need to take the guard to reinforce the Changelings."

"Helix already got a war declaration? Man, he must be terrible at playing Civ." Twilight opened her mouth to ask what that was, but decided against letting me explain it now.

I make her do that a lot.

She passed me the scroll, the general situation was that there was some wack shit going on in the desert around the hive, and that reinforcements would be necessary.

"Are the guards even ready for this?" Twilight started to panic as usual before Spike and I scratched her ears, pacifying her. Spike had learned well under my tutelage as a master of scritch-fu.

"Chill out, they'll be fine, I prepared them to fight against the majority of problems we might face out there." During my time here I read up on basic biology of common pony enemies, a couple of monsters, Dragons, Diamond Dogs, etcetera. Teaching the majority to gun things down from afar while particular unicorns allocated to use barrier magic defend isn't too hard.

Thankfully, I got a group that was smarter than the lot Celestia had serving under her, and they were, the whole battalion of them were mares and stallions with quality insight and adaptive minds. They were all rather young as most had come from the newest year of recruits at Equestrian military academies. Apparently there had been a recent change in curriculum, as well as better financial support for the students. It was because of all this, the group was being hailed part of 'the new generation' of guards. Most of these reforms were actually brought in by Twilight, by the way.

"But what if somepony-" I booped Twilight, silencing her.

"They'll. Be. Fine. Trust me." She was still scrunching her nose up from the boop but she got the idea.

I went to get ready, walking into my room and finding my armour on a suprisingly well-made mannequin, courtesy of Rarity. She was a total wizard with most crafty stuff and if she didn't know something she was very quick to direct me towards those who did.

I was doing up the last clips off the armour before Twilight opened the door. "John, I'm going to put a spell on your armour to make it more bearable in the desert."

"Thanks, Sparkplug. You don't really need to thou-"

She interrupted me, "But I do. If you arent able to concentrate in the heat then you might die and then, and then, I-" I hushed her, walking to her and then crouching to meet her at eye level.

"Twilight."

"John?" Her ears flicked.

"Calm down. I already told you, we'll be completely fine." She sniffed, rubbing her snout into my shoulder.

"Ok." She steeled herself, scrunching up her face all cutely. She was freaking adorable when she did that. "I-I'll get to work on a friendship problem, something is bound to come up today."

"Hold up a second, can you do the teleport spell to make this quicker? It'll make things much easier."

She nodded, teleporting away, making me release a breath. She worries too much, although with good reason. I don't exactly have a good reputation when it comes to avoiding injury.

Once I was all kitted out and ready to go, I opened the door to find Spike about to knock.

"Hey Spike." I looked around. "I thought you'd be with Twilight?"

"Nah. She's doing another friendship thing with some of the others. I find them kinda boring sometimes. You off somewhere?" He leaned on the door frame.

"Yeah, Changeling troubles again. I'll try a bit harder not to die this time." He chuckled, scratching at his head.

"I hope they dont have to wheel you back home like last time. Twilight was having a panic attack." He paused, "Anyway! See ya when you get back." He waved as he ran down the halls, his dragon feet pattering along the floor as he went.

Next on the agenda was the barracks, in order to pick up the correct team for this job. A couple specialized in shield and defense magic, who can support those who are the effective D.P.S of the team, who should be putting out as many attack spells as possible in quick succession.

It turns out that most of Equestrian military history was lost when Discord went nuts a while back, along with pretty much all other Pre-Discordian history.

I decided to only take a few guards with me to begin with, then call for more if the situation demanded it., including Rocky Arids, the earthbending Camel. I imagined that being surrounded by sand, he would be completely in his element.

Twilight had us step outside so she could prepare a mass teleportation spell. Massively taxing spells like those usually required a couple minutes to activate as a group, or almost half an hour for most individuals, but because of Twilight's raw magical strength, it only took her a few seconds to move us several hundred miles. She is truly awe-inspiring at times.

Once she let loose the spell, we landed right next to Helix, who was clearly not expecting us, as he daydreamed from the top of the throne, humming.

"One of you, hand me something to throw at him." One stallion hesitantly passed me an empty can from some generic pony soft drink. "YAYEET!" I cried, flinging it at the Changeling 'king'. He barely flinched, looking at me while smirking.

"I see your sense of humour hasn't developed at all in the time since we fought Chrysalis." Helix threw the can back at me, considerably harder, but he missed because he's not cool like me.

"My humour has doubled since we last met. Good to see you again too, ya dickhead." I looked around the throne room, "so uh, whats the problem Bug Brain?" The changeling guards were completely stock still, but for some reason one of them wasn't emitting body heat.

"I believe an attack is imminent. I found traces of necromancy in the desert. A large part seems to be moving towards the hive."

"Gimme a second." I walked over to the odd guard from before. He was dead cold. "Check him for necromantic magic." Helix's horn glowed and the guard collapsed.

"A corpse. It seems we have been infiltrated already." He lit his horn, presumably checking everyone else in the room. "John, can you sense the magic as well?"

"I can sense heat. The corpses give off nothing. Even normal Changelings are at least somewhat warm."

"Good. Take your group and begin weeding out any infiltrators." He chuckled. "It is ironic that the Changelings, of all species, could be infiltrated."

Walking out of the throne room, we were immediately blasted by the hot, arid air outside.

I split the group up into smaller fireteams of three, making sure one of them could weed out any corpselings. This left me alone with the Camel.

"You reckon you could wall off any exits?" I asked.

He nodded, "yes, although I would need to get down to the desert floor before we tried such a thing."

"Fair enough, you get on that. I'll catch up." He stood still for a moment or two, before a dust devil appeared, carrying him down from the throne room's tower. I sighed looking at the staircase menacingly. "We meet once again, my nemesis."

After a loooong while of walking followed by teleporting a short distance multiple times, I was finally at ground level.

One group was checking changelings nearby. "Hey! Find anything yet?"

While one of them, the one checking, I believe, was fixated on his task one of his guards responded, "Nothing yet, sir. Nopony else seems to have found one either."

The other teammate piped up. "Maybe the one before was a fluke? They could've just had one to keep an eye on the throne room."

"Possible, but I'd like to be thorough. I dont want any surprise attacks on the first mission."

A flash of light behind me signalled the arrival of extra reinforcements, a couple day and night guards from the castle. I filled them in on the situation and suggested they patrol the area.

With them out of the way, I continued looking for anything out of the ordinary. The main hive entrances had been sealed off by Rocky Arids by shifting the sands into seals for the gates, completely blocking them off and making escape more difficult in case whoever was controlling them tried pulling them back.

Some time later, I heard a commotion from the main plaza underneath the tower. An argument between one of the new recruits from my detail and an old bugger of a stallion from the day guard.

"We have to follow orders, you can't just ignore him because he rubs you the wrong way!" The young stallion in purple was defending me.

"I'll take no orders but those from the princesses themselves or the captain of MY guard! I don't trust the ape, he's been a hassle since he got here, and now he's suddenly at the head of a new branch of our military. Seems suspect to me." The Earth Pony noticed me walking up to him, hitting me with a glare that really didn't do much for him.

"Sir." The unicorn who was arguing put his hood up in a salute, causing me to chuckle.

"Easy, man." He put his hoof down. I turned to the older stallion. "I don't appreciate insubordination. Neither do the princesses." I pulled out a scroll, something that Twilight gave me unless I had some troublemakers in the group. "This is a royal edict from Princess Twilight herself. Give it a look over." I levitated the scroll to him, unfurling it.

"He gave it a cursory scan before looking at it more carefully. "hmmhmm- princess Twilight decrees that -hmmmhmm." He mumbled under his breath. When he finished, he snorted in frustration. "I'll go back to my patrol then." He trotted away grumbling.

Fucking hated those kinds of ponies. The low-key racism was always there, but Ponyville was always a bit more accepting than most places. That means instead of trying to beat you half to death, they just get scared if you show up. Thats enough frustration venting for now, I don't feel like having to use quills instead of pen if I break this thing.

Not very much went on overall. It was eerily quiet in the hive, no changelings ever spoke to each other in the open so the most you'd hear was the clop of hooves or the clacking of chitin while the wind blew through the city.

After a while the wind stopped blowing and all was utterly silent. No hooves. No guards talking. Nothing.

I made to get up and a tremendous crack came through the ground, swallowing the street I was on, and dropping me into the abyss with it. I immediately clutched my leg, which was burning painfully as it violently twisted when I landed. Once the initial pain died down I checked for any particularly severe injuries. I took a few knocks on the way down but nothing seemed broken.

Standing up, I could see changelings in front of me, different from normal. These ones were almost bleached white, with cyan and maroon barrels unlike any other changelings I had seen, which all had green bands or nothing at all on them.

Correspondingly coloured magic glows lit up on their horns and I dodged a volley of spells that blasted away in the distance, causing a minor rumble. I checked to see them in the darkness but they weren't giving off any heat.

Corpses. Shit, the attack is happening now? Where did the rest of the group go?

The Corpselings didnt give me time to react, barraging me with more shots of magic. I summoned up as much fire as I could tossing a blast of flame at them, taking down one immediately and setting the rest on fire. I hid, waiting for them to burn away, as they didn't seem to be smart enough to care about the fire burning away their faces, forelegs and wings. The coast was clear now, all that was left were embers and a couple bits of pale plating on the floor, each cracked under foot as I ran past, the light filtering in from above paving the way forward. Further on another rumble occurred and I could hear rounds of spells hitting a shield. It must be one of my group. I could hear the noticable Zing of the incapacitating spell I tought them.

Rounding a corner, I could see the fight now, they were surrounded by the zombie changelings and a large undead scorpion, about as big as a Great Dane, no doubt plucked from the desert. I rushed them firing off a spell again, leaving me magically drained. I wouldn't be able to cast another one for a while, but there were a few 'lings left and that scorpion.

With a couple of them down, I made use of the bodies, tearing off a changeling horn and using it to stab a couple of the leftover enemies.

"Oi! You lot in the bubble, blast away that scorpion, I've got these things under control!" I kicked down on one of the zombies causing its fragile old chitin to crack.

The shielding unicorn nodded, pulling the shield off the group and using it as a way to contain the scorpion and then collapsed it inwards, squishing the poor arachnid.

"Sir, have you heard from the other teams?" One of the trio asked, walking over the broken up zombies, grimacing.

"No, when's the last time you saw anyone?" I tried pulling off a larger part of the chitin to use as a shield

"Approximately five or six minutes ago."

"Right." I took a moment to think. "There'll probably be a necromancer or some kind of stronger undead keeping the rest up. That's what it's like usually."

"Usually?" The guard narrowed his eyes questioningly.

"Yeah, like in the movies, I guess? We should get moving, by the way." I started walking down the cavern.

"Movies? Which ones?" I could hear them trotting behind me.

"Human ones. You guys aren't quite there yet."

"Sir. With all due respect, we've got no bucking idea what you're talking about."

"Well we're rolling with it, unless anything anyone has a better idea?" I turned around looking at them.

They didn't.

Wandering through the caverns for so long meant that my eyes had adjusted to the relative darkness, and along the floor you could see faint trails of magic. It was faded but you could still tell the colour of it. A sickening yellow, like someone had puked up.

I could hear rummaging in the dark, the guards behind me lit their horns, while i lifted an arm, small embers crackling. The obscured figure put his forelegs up in the air.

"WAIT! I'M NOT ONE OF THEM!" The quadruped yelled, he seemed to be male by his voice. "I was hiding from those...things."

"Got a name?" I said, leering into the darkness, he was a changeling, one of the sentients if i was correct.

"Thorax." The changeling smiled.

"Nice to meet ya, I'm John. We need help navigating the tunnels, you up for that?" He wasn't some sort of trap zombie, his body heat seemed normal.

"I'm sorry, I'm not really sure either. The layout if the caves have changed thanks to the two queens coming back."

"Wait, queens? As in plural? Chrysalis is dead, so who..." i mumbled, thinking back to anything Helix had told me about changelings, I wasn't sure, but I think I remembered a passing mention of red and blue queens? "Are they by any chance not Chrysalis?"

"I'm sorry, it was before I was around, so I don't know their names." He looked at the guards nervously.

"Oh well, you should go get somewhere safe, we can handle the rest." I had a strange feeling about that Changeling. With a buzz he zipped away, up out of one of the cracks further along. We traced the residue towards a large, brightly lit hall.

The source of light was a singular concentrated beam hitting a green crystalline prism in the centre, directing it all over the room. I'd say it was beautiful if I couldn't see the walls. They were decorated with ponies encased in sludgy cocoons, lining the walls until the stone was barely visible underneath the bodies. Lying on the floor, also encapsulated in cocoons, was the rest of the group.

Evil cackles resonated from the centre of the room. The point from which we entered was elevated, a staircase on either side of me leading down to the floor, following the curvature of the hall.

"We are to wait, then? The master told us we were to lure out this 'Avatar' character, and then send for him." The blue queen buzzed out.

"Yes, then we shall take this hive and restore glory to the changelings!" The red queen yelled out, jeez these bugs were cheesy.

"Sir, what's going on?" One of the guards whispered.

"I think we might've just walked into an exposition dump." I peeked over the landing of the stairs. "They're talking about their evil plan, I think." I raised an eyebrow, "The one pulling the strings doesn't seem to be here right now."

While they were cackling and doing other nefarious things, I was devising a cunning plan to deal with them.

Unfortunately, my cunning plan never came to light as Helix burst in through the ceiling magic blasting away at the queens, one of them, the wingless blue one, seemed to have some kind of frills on her neck, which flared out as Helix's spells hit, defending the both of them. The red one fired off a spell, before using her magic to fly and engaging him in the sky. They tussled in the air, before the queen had him outmaneveured and bit his wing, lashing out, he hit her in the chest breaking past her ribcage and destroying the useless organs inside. She dropped him to the floor, knocking him out and pinning him by his wing, while the other one repaired the red queen's abdomen.

"We must preserve ourselves sister, it would not do well for you to lose your stomach before we are made whole again." The ribs slotted back into place and the carapace was sealed up once again.

"Thank you, sister. I shall endeavour to not spill my guts along the floor again." She turned to Helix, who was still pinned. "Now, what shall we do with you, worm?"

I was sat at the top of the stairs, mustering as much mana as I could. One of the ponies piped up, "How long is left? He seems to be in a rather critical condition."

"Gimme a min." I lined up the shot. I tried to condense as much fire into a single spot as possible, giving me a single grape sized ball of fire, glowing intensely enough that it obscured my heat sensing ability. After making sure I was on target, I let it loose, a small ping echoing through the room.

The room was silent for a second, the red one pinning Helix down slackened before dropping onto her side.

The blue one whispered, "Marzen-cahb? Sister? Are you alright?" She poked the red queen, noticing a small grape sized hole going straight through her head.

"What!? Where..?" She noticed me, blasting me before I could fire off another shot.

"Shit," I turned to the 3 Unicorns. "Get everyone out of here. I'll handle the bug."
She blasted me again, destroying the short wall we had been hiding behind and knocking me away. "Go!" I told them, thry teleported to the centre of the room, charging up a mass teleport spell, the three of them would need a while, but I could hold her off.

"Filth, I shall destroy you for harming her!" She charged up her horn, so i used one of the bigger pieces of rubble as cover, the shot skimmed me, injuring my leg. She fired off more shots in quick succession, reducing my cover to rubble. Mustering up dregs of energy, I blinked across the room, she gave chase while I limped away down one of the corridors.

"You cannot run, worm! You stole my only sister, and I will have you begging for death by my hoof!"

"Lady, I don't even know who you are, let alone who your sister is." She grabbed me in telekinesis, trying to pull me back, so I tried to fire off a hotshot again (Yeah, I thought up a name for it just now, fight me), now that she was stationary.

With a quiet pew! I hit her in the chest, crippling her momentarily. While she recovered, I hobbled away as fast as I could.

She was still hit on my tracks, I had hid from her a couple of times, using small alcoves in walls to misdirect her for a couple seconds, giving me time to get some mana back in my tiny pool of it. I fucking wish Twilight or someone was here, they'd fucking clap that bitch in a single spell.

A particularly well aimed shot punctured my shoulder, making me double over in pain. The queen snorted grabbing me by my foot in her magical grip. I was too tired to resist, so she started ragdolling me around, before tossing me into the darkness, my body was in agony, she jad broken a lot of things in quick succession and escape didnt seem possible. She grabbed me again throwing me backwards again as the cave opened up into an entrance, I could see the desert past the mouth of the cavern. Jagged stalactites and stalagmites scattered the entrance, appearing like misshapen teeth. I coughed, spluttering up a couple drops of blood.

"You know, you changeling queens aren't very creative. Your other sister, Chrysalis did the exact same thing to me before."

Walking out of the shadows, cyan eyes glowing bright, the blue queen spoke, "Truly? Is she still among the living?" I grimaced.

"Sorry, killed her a while ago. She made quite a nice splat when she hit the ground though."

"Hmph. Irritating vermin, I wanted to do her in myself. Although, it is good to know that she did not pass peacefully." She sauntered up to me, reveling in her assumed victory.

"You three are all as dumb as each other. Look behind you." She looked, so I fired the last bit of mana I had left, hitting her square in the horn, shattering the magical implement.

I was utterly exhausted now, completely unable to move and stuck with a splitting headache.

"It shall take more than that to take me down." The changeling had arisen, eyes full of anger. "I shall destroy you as painfully as is possible. For the hHve! For my sisters! DIE!" She rose on her hindlegs, attempting to trample me underhoof. I clenched my eyes shut, waiting for a blow that never came.

"My oh my, John. You seem to be in trouble." Opening my eyes, I could see the outline of a smug changeling, his left wing torn, but sporting a grin all the same.

A hit of adrenaline coursed through me, allowing me to stand up and fight for the last minite. I yelled out, "Helix, Kill that sket, you fucking melt! She just fucked up my everything." The mare shook her head, recovering from Helix's full body tackle. "I'll fuck you up, bitch! Let's fucking go!" I was fucking pissed.

"This wing will heal, but my pride demands you die." Helix turned to me, "John, I will be without magic for this battle, one of them fractured it while we fought."

The bitch screamed out, "Usurper! Intruder! I will make you pay for what you have done!" She scowled angrily

So, the brawl began.

Immediately the blue queen rushed Helix, trying to take him out. I took up the broken horn like a knife and grabbed onto her rodeo style, driving the horn into her. She growled, throwing me off and leaving her horn embedded in her back. Helix fought back with a buck and she used that frill thing from earlier again, blocking the tremendous blow.

I was trying to see if I could muster a shot up, but my hands lit up with pain when I tried.

I had to get outside and absorb some heat. The cave was still somewhat damp, making it hard to extract anything. My attempt to retreat had her chase after me, Helix was too slow to catch up without his wings so she bit me in the right foot. I yanked my foot free, one of her fangs got pulled off as well. The weak bodies that whoever revived them had conjured weren't helping her in the slightest. I yanked it out, throwing it to the side as Helix held her down. A couple moments was all I needed to charge myself.

Turning back to the cave, the other two were still tearing each other apart. Helix was doing it more literally, as small parts of her body would fall away in response to his kicks. Taking aim, I blasted her with three shots, just as she hit Helix with a full force buck, sending him flying into a stalagmite.

"Your aim is terrible." She rushed me down, tackling me into a wall. I disappeared. The illusion collapsing. "Wha-"

I tapped her on the back of the head, hitting her with a hotshot in the same instant.

"Fuck off." She dropped like a pile of rocks, her eyes dimming and the magic sustaining her wafted out of her body, leaving the cave in silence.

I collapsed, panting and slowly dropping away.

"So this is him?" A voice called out, rough and full of anger. He paused for a minute. "He barely even won against those things, pathetic. And I thought you told me he'd be at least somewhat strong?" Again, he paused, as if a conversation was going on that I couldn't hear. "Fine! I'll kill him quickly. Fighting with those two right now isn't in our best interests."

I peeked up, and could see a hooded pony above me. He was gaunt, like he hadn't eaten in years, and his eyes were filled with a soulless yellow glow.

"Stop. I cannot let you do that." Helix called out from across the room, still slumped over the stalagmite.

"Oh? You're still alive. I thought you had done me a favour and already went on to the next life." His horn glowed as he walked towards him. "Don't worry, I won't be keeping you." I opened my eyes fully now that he had turned away, and could see he was stood directly below one of the protrusions from the ceiling. I knew I couldn't accurately hit him in the head yet, but I could certainly drop that on him.

I fired the tiny sound causing his ears to flick. Just as the jagged stone was to hit him, he stopped it, enveloping it in the same rancid yellow glow as before. His horn was still completely dark. How was he using magic?

"Almost got me there, if only I didn't have one of these wonderful little concepts in my head."

"Concepts?"

"Were you ever sharing your head with someone?" My eyes widened. "By that look, I'm guessing I'm on the mark." How did he know? "He was a concept: Destruction. Very old. One of the origins. Along with Creation, they were the first." A black glow, emanated from him, not unlike how Lavan could seep out of me. "This is..."

"Death." A woman's voice, sweet like honey oozed out of the mist.

"She's also quite old. You wouldn't know it, but she was always very fond of humans. It is a shame she could not have talked with you." He frowned. "No matter."

The stalactite was ground into pebbles in short order. A yellow light shone in front of me and it all went white.

Is...is this how it ends?

I looked around, still seeing white.

"John." A voice quietly told me.

"Yes, Who are you? Because if this is God, you've got some fucking explaining to do."

"Look up."

I looked up to see Celestia smiling down on me.

"Celestia? How the fuck did you die?" I asked.

"Enough!" Luna exclaimed to the side of me. "Let us destroy this fiend." She's here as well?

"This was exactly what I was trying to avoid." The necromancer admonished himself. "I take one minute too long and both the fucking princesses AND Destruction show up."

Lavan was sat on top of Celestia, still in a gooey form, but in the shape of a humanoid. "Yo." He waved. "We're gonna have a lot to talk about when this is over, but for now just enjoy the show.

He jumped onto me, healing my wounds and then sitting next to me, his molten appearance causing the rocks to glow red hot. It was pleasantly warm thanks to my resistance to the heat.

"Let us get you out of here, Human John, and King Helix. You have done enough for now." Luna's horn glowed and we were at the Changeling throne room tower. A tremendous blast echoed across the desert as searing flame and light turned a section of the desert into glass. Then a sickly yellow bolt of similar size screamed out as it travelled towards the Hive, dissipating as it was blocked by a massive navy blue shield of magic.

"It seems the princesses have arrived." The Changeling coughed, limping into the throne room. "Tell me when they are done pummeling that irritating little abomination."

I leaned forward on the hand rail and watched the battle properly unfold.

Chapter XVIII: Burned Out

Say what you will about the princesses, they can fucking fight.

The Necromancer seemed to be tired of the battle, constantly trying to get to the city, only to be pulled back by Luna's area control spells. He suddenly disappeared, what I thought was him coming towards me, since the sisters were flying back to the Hive. They weren't absolutely jetting over here, so I assumed that he had buzzed off.

Celestia landed behind me while Luna went down to check on the city.

"What's up?" I asked, giving a cursory glance downwards. Luna was doing her best to fix up the large crevices in the ground, causing the rubble to form back into dirt and whatever the material Changelings use to pave their grounds is.

"We've seen him off for now, but Lavan assures me he will come back." She stood next to me, a wing on my shoulder. "Are you alright? You seem troubled."

"Oh nothing, I nearly just died again." I sighed. "Do you do that often?"

"For a long time, No, but recently its been happening every few months, a changeling invasion, the return of Tirek and now this necromancer. He is clearly no pony, but he seems to hold magical power rivaling that of an alicorn."

"How do you cope?" I asked looking up at her.

"I keep the ponies I love most to me as close as possible." She looked down at Luna, who was being thanked by a couple of Changelings down below. "Treasure your time with them. Even though, my time with each pony is finite, I love all of it." She smiled, "Even when you have problems and disagreements, resolve them and do not let hatred fester. That is one that the younger me needed to be shown."

"Sounds like you were a bit of a hot head."

She laughed, shaking her head. "I could be, sometimes. However, the history books would tell you otherwise."

I put a hand on her wing and we stayed there for a while.

Soon after, Lavan came up over the side of the tower, moving like a slug as he climbed, then transforming back into his humanoid form when he got to the floor.

"Right, so here's where I'm supposed to fill you in on the things I think you're gonna ask." He walked up to me, assuming a similar stance by leaning on the rail to my left. "But right now isn't the best time to talk, especially with prying eyes around. That's including your friend, that Changeling king." He stared down at the changelings, then peeked at the throne room doorway.

"Hey, he's probably been as good of a friend as you have at this point."

"Uh huh. What I can tell you at the moment is about the previous avatar. Because all parties present are already aware of my existence over time."

"What? Who were you bonded with before me?"

"A Unicorn named Firestorm. He was a tortured soul, he went to war to protect his family and found me after his group hid in the cave I had resided in since humanity's fall. He became the Avatar of Destruction and used it as a tool to save others, burning away structures instantly to save ponies that were trapped, cauterising wounds, that sort of thing." He sighed. "He came back from the fight battered but intact. When he got home, he found that his Discord's reign had started. He lost his family, never knew where they ended up. Drove him mad and by the time Discord was defeated, he had gained a new name."

"Lavan?"I asked.

"He- 'Lavan' was completely deranged by the time he was gone. She couldn't save him but Celestia found a way to stop the insanity that afflicted me when she found me." He looked over, moving closer to her. "She found herself quite enamoured by what was hidden behind the madness."

"Then why did you end up in the mountain?" I asked.

The affliction, I had episodes of it. The first few times were no issue, a burnt tree, a broken statue... the last one nearly destroyed Canterlot and she put me in the mountain and collapsed it." The Alicorn flinched, looking away.

"It was one of the most painful things I've ever done, along with sealing Luna in the moon." Ah, I heard of this. Some business about Luna being corrupted and then beamed up to spend a millenia there.

"Yeah, I pressed the subject once to her, not knowing what it meant. She didn't react very well." I thought back to the odd dream from a couple months before.

"It hurt her deeply, having to watch herself do such things. I have pried her open about it once before and she was in tears."

Another question had popped up again in my head, one I had forgotten during my arrival, and had always nagged me a the most inopportune times.

"Do you... know why I was there Lavan? In Canterlot, where you found me.

"Not a clue. Maybe a cosmic fluke. Maybe fate." He reached across putting an arm on my shoulder. "All that matters is you are here."

I put a hand on the sludge that had burned away my shoulder plate. "Thanks dude. And you owe me a new piece of armour, because that shit is expensive and I do not have the bits for it."

Luna had finished up with fixing the fissures and flew up to join her sister. "These Changelings are quite thankful, sister. It is quite exhilarating to be the target of such gratitude!" Helix had come through the doors, looking towards the sisters.

"Would either of you happen to know why a pony was attempting to siege my city? They were quite close to taking it."

I turned around. "We were just finished talking about that, basically he was targeting me, by using your distress call as a lure."

"Hmmm. You seem to be quite a dangerous friend, Smith."

"I know. It's not my fault that everyone wants my hot monkey dick." I said, earning a smack on the back of the head from Lavan. "Ow. The fuck was that for?"

"Being retarded. Oh, don't worry, you'll be getting much worse soon." He grinned.

"What do you mea-" Twilight teleported in front of me, looking angry as fuck. "Oh."

I proceeded to get chewed out for about 30 minutes straight, and given several pointers on how I could've avoided getting hurt."

After my ears had stopped ringing, I felt something attach itself to my chest, It was a mysterious purple furry cage that was gripping me harder than death itself. Although considering current events, death's grip is probably weaker, if anything.

"As soft as you are, Twilight, you're kinda strangling me here." I choked out and she loosened her death grip.

"And that was what happened when I got teleported earlier this weekend."

"Seriously? You got beaten up again?" Spike asked as I read a book on rune-making.

"Yeah, it's really getting on my nerves now. On the plus side, I can do this now." I made a finger gun firing one of the shots of condensed flames from my index. I made sure it dissipated before it could hit anything.

"Thats kinda cool, I guess." Spike scratched one of his spines. "Hey, wanna do some guy stuff?"

I put the book down, "Like what?"

"I dunno, Oubliettes and Ogres? That what Shining Armour did when we were a bit younger." The drake offered.

Is that a table top game where you make a character and you're put through a scenario in a group?" Spike nodded. "Huh, Twilight's brother plays D&D. I'm kind of suprised he's that nerdy, I mean, he just seems more like the jock stereotype."

"He just doesn't act too normal when you're around, mainly 'cus he thinks you're gonna do weird stuff with Twilight." Spike shivered at the thought.

"I literally told him I had no intention of that." I said, raising my voice slightly with indignation.

Spike continued, "Well, he doesn't trust you, obviously." I huffed in response.

"One day I'm gonna go to the Crystal Empire and play a really toxic round of D&D, or O&O as you call it here, with him just to make him salty and get banned by the GM." I raised my fist to the sky, making an oath to do so.

"What does salty mean?" The short purple dragon asked.

"In the context I'm talking about, it means making him angry." Spike mouthed an 'oh'.

"Well, any other ideas?"

"Twilight got my phone back from the researchers. Using some ingenuity, they've managed to manufacture a version of modern batteries that use magic as fuel instead of the chemicals normally used for batteries. It should be in the lab still."

"What can we do with that?"

"Quite a fucking lot. I had tons of games on that thing. We could watch some movies or shows from an app I have." I downloaded quite a lot of things on netflix, as well as having quite a few emulators. "It'll keep us occupied for a while. I know something that'll be right up your ally, since you like superheroes so much."

We watched some Marvel movies that were on their, followed by One Punch Man, he was confused at first but thought that my world looked cool, he tried contesting how the Power Ponies could beat Saitama but I shut him down.

"But what about-"

"Saitama would literally just punch them and they'd be gone."

"You arent even listening! I'm trying to tell you that they could just-"

"LaLaLa! I can't hear you!" Spike growled, starting to batter my leg with half-serious punches.

After being angry for a minute, I pacified him by showing him Pokémon. He was immediately enthralled. I had him sat next to me on one of the big chairs at the hologram table, budging aside so it could accommodate us both at once.

"Dude, this is the coolest thing ever. Do I just pick whatever one I want?"

"Yeah. I always choose Charmander though." He looked through the three choices, before deciding on Charmander, I gave him a high five and he got into the game properly.

"So this Gary guy that's meant to be my best friend? He's really annoying."

"Yeah, I always thought that. Is there anything left in the fridge?" I stood up from the little map table. The kitchens were pretty close by.

"Yeah, those new microwave foods started popping up recently, so Twilight bought a few.

"Huh. Must have come through a while back." I wasn't surprised, a lot of random crap had come through so far. Aside from Gunnar, I hadn't heard of any people coming through.

There have been a few other additions. LED's, modernised plumbing, better communication tech and a couple of other more minor things. A big thing in the equestrian news was a couple of scientists figuring out a weird magitech combustion engine.

Looking through the selection Twilight had gotten, most of them were pony foods; hay and the like. One stood out, some pseudo-meat vegetarian version of a burger.

I slapped it in the microwave, walking back over to the little dragon while he was complaining about how he got ripped off by the Magikarp guy until he bit the bullet and put effort into leveling it. I had gone to get a drink from the castle kitchens, passing a few guards on the way when Spike came to me, yelling about how the fish Pokémon had turned into a sea dragon, which was kinda funny.

I heard the ding of the microwave finishing and walked quickly into the kitchen, before picking it up and just beginning to eat. It felt weird doing that, but I didn't need the plate since holding something piping hot was only slightly warm.

I seated myself back on the Twilight chair, because she bothered to put cushions on it and its the best thing ever.

He went a bit quiet for a while and I just continued reading my rune book and eating my burger until he got tired, which he did. Later on, he was trying to beat the fourth gym while half asleep.

"Hey bud, you wanna get teleported back to your room?" I asked. He nodded, not looking away from the screen. "Ok." He reminded me of myself, so I wasn't going to act like the asshole parent and snatch it off him.

I was kinda appalled that Twilight had him sleeping in a cot instead of his own room and we had a conversation about it. I've probably said this before, but I'll say it again: Twilight treats him very strangely.

Teleporting him back, we sat on his bed and I did a little backseat coaching before he won. Once he'd beat it, I took the phone from him while he was nodding off.

We had other things to watch tomorrow, but I could tell he was going to be obsessed with the game until he finished it.

There was something to be said about showing him it, though. The pure nostalgia, along with the feeling of happiness when you share a secret and someone responds positively.

Hmm, maybe I'll level up his starter so he gets to see it evolve to Charizard first thing in the morning...

I woke to the sound of Spike knocking on my door. I got dressed sleepily and opened the door, yawning, "John, can I have the phone?" Spike asked.

"Sure, go grab it. Its on the desk where all the scrolls are." He zoomed over there, hopping up on my office chair to reach it. It was one of thr things that came through into Equestria, it was missing a wheel, but otherwise mostly intact.

Picking up the phone, he asked, lifting up a scrolll. "What is 'Bite The Dust'?"

I pulled it neatly from his claws and sorted it back into the pile of prototype scrolls I had been making. It was a complex process and I had only managed to make 2 or 3 in the last few months. "A spell I'm working on." He peeked at one of the scrolls lower down in the pile. "Don't touch those, you might be trapped in stopped time forever." He pulled his hand back immediately.

"Aren't those dangerous?"

"Well, yes but actually no." I ushered him out of the room. "In the wrong hands, they'll kill you but they could also be incredibly useful. They aren't complete yet and unless I can find away to keep light moving through the stopped time then that one will never be finished."

"Oh."

"I also need to be able to start time again, and thats also a problem."

"Dude, just slow it down a load instead of stopping it. Thats how Tick-tock did it in issue #78 of Power Ponies."

"That... is actually a good idea." I mentally noted the dragon's suggestion for later.

"Man this game is awesome. And its in something so small! The ones at the arcade aren't nearly as good as this and the arcade machines are like a hundred times bigger."

"You know I have like fifty games on that?" He looked like his brain just melted.

"Fifty? Like five-oh? I'm starting to realise why Twilight was busting a nut over this." He looked at the phone, trying to open it.

I motioned for him to give it to me, using the fingerprint scanner to open it, before passing it back. "Who told you that kind of language?"

"You." He deadpanned, as I heard the Pokemon Centre theme begin to play.

I frowned. "Spike, I don't mind if you say that kinda stuff to me in private, but don't say that to ponies. They'll freak out, especially Twilight. Then I'll get another royal lecture." He nodded, motioning a zipper over his mouth. That was good enough for me.

Of course, as we chilled out the whole day, Twilight came in to ruin the fun. "Spike, Rarity needs you to help her with gem-hunting."

He sighed. "Do I have to?"

"Ok, get re- wait, you don't want to help her?" Twilight suddenly seemed concerned.

"I'm kinda... in the middle of something." He was tapping away at the phone, I couldn't see what he was doing since I was sat away from him.

"What could be more important to you than helping Rarity?"

"Pokermon." He mispronounced slightly, waving the phone, which Twilight quickly levitate out if his hands.

"John, what is this?" Twilight scanned over the phone screen.

"My phone. Duh. You literally gave it to me yesterday." She pouted, ignoring my bullshit.

"And what is a Pokermon?"

"A game from where I come from. One of the most popular ever."

"We can talk about this. Spike, go help Rarity."

"Ok." He grumbled, walking away.

"So John, how long did you think you would be able to get away with it before I noticed?"

"Wut?"

'The scrolls. The chronostasis spell, especially."

"Oh, what about them?"

"That spell is beyond forbidden."

"I didn't know that."

"Also this 'Dust biting' spell looks incredibly powerful. How much time did you spend writing these?" She poofed the scrolls from nowhere, causing me to cringe, in case she accidentally set one off.

"A couple months. Also, be gentle with those."

"She nodded. "I assumed as much. I was very careful, by the way, I've never even set off a scroll in my life."

"Well, excuse me princess."

"Gladly." Celestia said behind me, definitely not causing me to flip my shit.

"WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET HERE!?"

"Just now, actually. Luna and I were just planning to have a pleasant lunch with Twilight, as we finished our royal duties early today."

"Cool, guess I'll be on my way then." I tried to walk away but got teleported back in front of them.

"You are welcome to join us." Luna added.

"Something tells me I'm not welcome to leave."

"Lavan has things he wishes to speak about with you." Celestia said, as Lavan appeared, busting down the door.

"What's up?" He said after making his grand entrance.

"Get in, loser." I pointed to my head and he launched into my ear, causing the most uncomfortable feeling. "Ew."

'Oh cool, I'm back to red text mode.'

Hurry up, dickhead. I ain't got all day.

'Why've you got a mardy on?'

Just fucking tell me what you need to tell me, bitch.

'Ok, ok. Keep your bloody hair on.' he paused. 'So first things first, that mage talked to you about concepts, am I correct?'

Yeah, he said something about possessing death, and then a blob like you, but it was black started coming out of him

'Yeah, that's Death alright. So in case you hadn't gathered, concepts are tangible things. Harmony is pretty easy, its made up of Laughter, Honesty, Generosity, Kindness, loyalty and-

I finished it off. -Magic makes it all complete, yeah, whatever.

' Yeah, anyway. The Elements are tangible physical things. They are unique in that they're objects, but they are still a few of many. Second, most of us bind to a host, like symbiotes. The powers are different most of the time. There are a few famous people who bonded with Life or Creation and a few rather infamous ones who bonded with me or Death.'

Anyone in particular? I asked.

'Death's 'best work' as she called it was done with an artist she found in Vienna.'

Oh.

'Yeah.' He frowned. 'A single aspect is not a problem, in fact it often does the world good a fair bit of good. The problems occur if we end up finding an Avatar at around the same time. The most notable dispute is probably Life and Death, which is constant. I don't know who Life has bonded with but he hasn't made himself known yet, but he definitely is with at least one person. Be it pony or otherwise.'

That... was a lot to take in. How did you know what was going on back at the hive then?"

'here's a sort of sense we have for each other. It's hard to explain. Anyway, I'm the current version of Destruction. Attaching to others has effects on our personality, so I'd say I'm more like you than I was Firestorm, or Lavan, depending on what you call him.'

I could feel my self being shaken from outside. Looks like they're trying to get us back.

'Yeah, I pretty much said all that needed to be said. Try to be careful next time though, I'm in no mood to haul you back to life if you nearly die again.'

I felt myself being yanked back to reality, my vision clearing as Twilight shook me, while Rarity and Spike were panicking and yelling about something. Spike was... glowing? What the hell?

"John. Are you awake yet?" My hearing came back quickly once Lavan had exited me again.

"Yeah? What?"

"Rarity, Spike and I are going to the Dragon Lands, we'll be back in a couple hours, so don't do any testing till I get back."

"Damn." I was going to see if I could get the chronostasis scroll working correctly. "See you guys later then."

"Actually, Twilight, I believe it would do you well to take him with you, given Torch's propensity for odd theatrics." Celestia sipped at a cup of tea.

"Very well Princ- Celestia."

"Wait, why do-" we teleported, arriving at the base of a colossal volcano. "-n't I get a say in thi- aaaand we're gone, cool." I turned to face the group, finding Spike and a shoddily crafted disguise holding the two unicorns. "Wow, you are... terrible at being stealthy. What's the situation then, Sparkplug and Diamondbutt?"

Rarity seemed flabbergasted, "Did you just call me Diamondbutt? Why, the nerve-" fortunately, her tirade was cut off by some colossal dragon, about as large as Smaug towered over us, and I noticed other dragons joining in, looking at me angrily.

"WHO ARE YOU? SPEAK YOUR NAME TO ME, OUTSIDER!" The largest dragon yelled out to me.

"Hi, I'm John. I'm uh..." I thought up a plausible explanation. "A Half-dragon?"

"A Halfling? Hmph. Very well then. We shall continue on." Wow, that actually worked.

We are gathered here today to..." blah, blah, blah, the big guy made an unfunny joke of the speech by telling the dragons how to react, before flinging a staff a couple of miles away into the hellscape behind him.

A blue dragoness seemed to just appear ou of the group and siddle up near us and hot damn, this dragon girl was a shorty but she looked good. She was decently tall, compared to a pony, about a head above Twilight.

I crossed my arms, waiting for his spiel to be over. "-Whoever gets the staff will become the new Dragon Lord. Any non-purebred dragons are not allowed to participate." He gave me the eye, before stomping, "Be on your way, then!" Most of the dragons flew off, and Spike started to run off into the distance in hot pursuit.

"Twilight." I whispered. "Go keep an eye on Spike, I'll just chill and wait here."

"One step ahead of you," she said, blinking away with Rarity and their crappy rock disguise in tow. Leaving me with the absolute unit known as Torch.

"Finally. The whole big monster act is always hard on my throat. You are John, correct? I have been told of you."

"Yeah. Who told you that?" I asked.

"Lavan. Of course, any friend of his is a friend to me. He told me you would be arriving along side the purple hatching and those two ponies."

"Wait, Twilight said you kill any non-dragon trespassers, is she wrong?

"The ponies natural fear of us is well founded, but as a higher species, we do not kill indiscriminately. Most ponies that venture here do not leave because they either die of dehydration, fall into Lava, or on the very odd occasion, they stay here."

"Oh, ok. Is there any other bullshit that ponies have been feeding me?"

He harrumphed. "They'll have probably told you that a couple other species are savage, because of their closed-mindedness towards us. I am surprised you were not discriminated upon for your nature as well." At my questioning look, he continued. "My eyesight is better than you think, young wyrm. I can see your teeth."

"So, we chill then?" He nodded.

"Yes we are... chill, I haven't heard of such a colloquialism in my time. I assume it means to be in agreement."

"Close enough. Hey, do you guys have any Lava-tubs? I tried dipping in Lava once and it was super nice."

"We are surrounded by them. Any of those should be large enough for you to sit in comfortably." He motioned towards the many pits pockmarking the terrain.

And so, I just chilled in my new 'hot-tub' for a while, waiting for the group to come back. My clothes had been enchanted to withstand more heat than usual, but I left them at the side, since they'd probably be burned up in direct contact with lava.

Slowly submerging myself, I cooed out an 'ah' of satisfaction. The normally flesh disintegrating heat felt more like a particularly warm bath now.

I could see some wild shit going on at that giant rock formation that kept blasting out fire for some reason. A couple of minutes passed and there was some kind of magical blast that echoed out, followed by another of equal power a couple seconds later.

After a while, Spike and that blue girl came back, wit the scepter from before in hand. Then some random red dragon hugged me and walked away, which was kinda weird. I asked Spike about it, but he just laughed. She was reprimanded by her father, apparently when I wasn't listening she had also been banned from the little tournament, but she went anyway because she was being a minx.

Spike informed me her name was Ember, and then they decided to join me in my makeshift jacuzzi, which was nice.

Twilight and Rarity were in a slightly different disguise from earlier, more bush than rock now.

"So you're chill with those ponies right there? I thought dragons of your age were ultra-racist?"

"Well, Spike vouched for them, and he doesn't seem the kind to lie." Spike beamed at Ember's praise.

"Eh, fair enough. How old are you by the way? I can't really tell."

"I don't really keep count." She answered. Well, at least I can say to the officers she didn't know her own age when the FBI breaks done my door. "Never seen anything like you, though. Spike was telling me your species is a hyuman?"

"Close enough." I turned back to Twilight, who was still in her dumbass disguise. "Are we planning to stick around or are we just heading home now."

She nodded, "We should be on our way. Goodbye Dragon Lord Ember." In a flash of light, Twilight and Spike disappeared, leaving me alone with Rarity and Ember.

"Wait, did she just go without us?" I looked towards the still disguised Rarity.

"Yes. Yes she did." Rarity sounded slightly panicked. "Well should we, um, wait for her to get back."

Waiting about ten seconds, I replied. "If she could come back, she already would have done so." It looked like we needed to get an alternative ride back. "Ember, could we fly back on a Dragon?"

"Father? could you explain to him?" Ember looked up at the behemoth stood beside them.

"There was a treaty established many years ago, that bars us access through the lands of Prance, and that would be the quickest way home for you. I should be able to take you to the border."

"Rarity, you up for that?" I turned towards the mare in question.

"Well I'm sure we would be able to contact somepony while in Prance and get home. Not to be rude but... anywhere is better than here." She did something from underneath the disguise, I imagined she was shaking rubble from her hooves.

Alright, Looks like It's time for a road trip.

--A torn page--

"FUCK!" The necromancer lashed out against one of the stone walls, blasting apart the horn of his current body. "We were so close! A mere second longer and we would of had him."

'You were too prideful to simply finish him quickly.' Death reprimanded. 'The blame falls solely on you for this failure. No matter, we must simply be more prepared next time. He is still weak enough to squash without resistance.'

"Yes, yes. But I'm sure we'll have to deal with those two if the opportunity to attack ever arrives again."

'That is why you must grow stronger, as well. To the south, there is an area of land beyond the changeling kingdom that was once subject to many blood sacrifices from a civilisation long lost to the annals of time, they would offer their own kind as well as many animals to their gods as a show of faith. if you were to take those sacrifices as pittance to me...'

"We would go stronger."

'Exactly, my dear.'

"Very well then. Let us leave this place." He discarded the now useless body. "I have been saving this one for a while." The soul blew away, like on an imaginary wind making it's way towards a new body, a skeleton made of alicorn.

He had made such creations before, but this was one of his best works, grinding horns to dust, only to sow them back together with his own magic into any form he wished. The form he had used this time was an alicorn, the idea of flight didn't interest him too much anymore, but he knew it would mortify the sisters if they were to see him like this.

And in the end, that was all that mattered: Ponies were not deserving of what they were given. That had been proved to him.

He simply needed to be strong enough to take it from them.

Author's Note

Publish button is still annoyingly close to the edit button. Bloody irritating.

I'm also planning to update my other story so check that out if you want.

Hope you enjoy the chapter.

Chapter XIX: On The Road Again...

"Never ridden a dragon before." I said, settling into place on Torch's back. Rarity was having trouble gripping on, so I had her packed tightly under my arm, something she had argued against for a moment, before begrudgingly accepting her fate. Waving goodbye to the cute dragon princess, I turned to her father. "We ready to go?" He snorted and began lifting off. The power in those wings must be unimaginable.

After fully taking off, he gradually accelerated to jaw dropping speeds, threading the needle through various mountains and volcanoes.

A couple minutes passed, wind rushing over my face, and I swore I could hear Rarity grumble about how this was messing up her mane. "We are nearing the border." Torch yelled over the wind. Fucking hell, that was fast.

Slowing down, I could see the ground more clearly, the countryside had become something more reminiscent of somewhere actually livable rather than looking like Mordor, which was how it was in the place where the Dragon Lord ceremony happened.

Rarity looked like she had spent several months being hit with a hairdryer, her previously curled purple locks, had been pulled backwards, causing her to look like a purple version of Sonic. She tried yelling over the wind, cursing the dragon as we descended.

"Thanks for the relatively short ride." I hopped off of the drake's back. Letting go of Rarity so she could hop onto the ground.

"It is the least I could do. Go now, friend of destruction. Return to Equestria." He took off more abruptly this time, probably because he didn't have to be careful with us now that we were off his back.

Rarity was still being rather indignant, so I told her to grow the fuck up and deal with it. She didn't take it well.

"How dare you, do you know how long it takes me to fix my hair in the morning?" I ignored her, wondering how we were going to move forward from here. Since I had no way of telling which way was which, I just moved in the opposite direction of where we came from, picking up Rarity and holding her by her barrel again. "You uncouth brute! Unhoof me this instant." I headed into the forest at the edge of the clearing, hoping I was going the right way.

"No. You're just going to complain and be mardy for a while." I replied, stepping over a fallen tree branch. She growled, trying to levitate me off of her with magic, an attempt I quickly quashed. "Deal with it. Unless you're gonna walk instead of whine."

"Very well. I see there is no arguing with such a barbarian." She harrumphed, wiggling free, following behind and glaring lasers into my back. "Do you have any idea where you are going?"

"Nope. Just went away from the Dragon Lands and hoped that was right."

"How have you managed to get this far in life with that kind of attitude?" Bitch, how the fuck did you get this far in life with that kind of attitude?

"Luck, mainly. That and my devilishly charming good looks and general sexiness."

"I honestly don't see how Twilight puts up with you." She grumbled.

"She gets by somehow."

"I still believe you owe me an apology for my mane." I OWE HER AN- Ok, fine.

"Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, your hair is messed up! Want me to pull a fucking comb out me ass and do it all back up for you? No? That's what I thought." That shut her up. I could hear a couple snide remarks and turned around as she stopped mumbling.

Despite present company, the scenery was quite beautiful, an idyllic forest, as if out of a Disney movie, a couple rabbits bounding around, squirrels in the trees and a family of ducks swimming through a narrow stream, I made sure to avoid them before jumping over it. Rarity followed suite, having calmed down after the little heated discussion we had earlier.

"I don't agree with the way you're handling Twilight's little crush." Again with this.

"Do we have to talk about this right now? I really don't feel like having this argument a second time." I didn't feel like having it the first time, in all honesty.

"As Twilight's friend, I cannot allow you to toy with her feelings like this."

"I'm not toying with them. It doesn't negatively affect her in any way. Not dealing with it just serves to avoid the possibility of things being awkward if I deny her." Its going to be a right pain in the neck if she ended up sour over it.

"Yes, but not answering means she may keep pining for your affection."

"She'll give up at some point." I hoped so. I would hate for her to just go full yandere on me one day.

"You shouldn't do that, you know! She deserves better than to be lied to." Rarity berated me.

"She does, Twilight's a good mare."

"Then why don't you?" She stamped her hoof, the cloven appendage cracking on a tree root.

"Because it's not worth risking the current friendship I have with her." I don't want to accidentally just alienate her because I didn't feel the same way. Call me a coward or whatever. I don't like hurting my friends.

The next couple hours of walking had yielded no signs of civilisation and night was slowly encroaching on us.

The two of decided to set up camp in the forest. I had warded the place to alert me if anything worth worrying about had entered the area. Like bug bears for example. I shit you not, they actually exist.

"I must say, as odd as this is for me, I don't dislike roughing it like this as much as I thought I would." Rarity was lying down, belly up while staring at the stars. "I suppose those sister camping trips with Sweetie Belle may have numbed me to it a bit."

Setting up a bit of firewood, I shot a gout of flame, lighting it. "Yeah, say that in the morning when your back aches like a motherfucker. You think you can get to sleep? If you can't, I can hit you with a sleep spell." I was sat up against one of the many trees, wishing I had a soft pillow instead of hard oak behind my head.

"No thank you. I always find that sleeping spells make me feel more tired in the morning." She seemed a far cry from the irritating, bickering filly from earlier. When she isn't mad, she actually makes for quite good conversation.

"Suit yourself." We got lucky tonight. There was a river close to us and Rarity happened to know a spell for purifying it. She said something about it being in 'top twenty spells every unicorn should know.' A column in some magazine she read at work, apparently. "Hey, you know that water-purifying spell from earlier?"

"Of course. I'm guessing you would want to know it." She turned her head to me, still lying on her back. I nodded. "I'm sorry, but I'm not exactly the best tutor. I would imagine Twilight could explain it to you far better."

"Yeah, but she isn't here right now is she?"

She hummed, "fair enough," turning herself over and facing me, she began to explain...

I awoke to the sound of a kettle boiling in the distance, while being cuddled by what my sleep-addled mind perceived as a marshmallow in the shape of a pony. For some reason it took my mind a couple seconds to process the fucker I was currently encountering.

"Something isn't right here." I mumbled, rubbing the sleep from my eyes with my free arm (the other was trapped under the marshmallow).

A slender young mare with a pure white coat and red mane appeared, opening the door gently. Once she saw I was awake, she started speaking while looking me over, resting a hoof on my head. "Oh! Bonne après-midi, je vois que tu es réveillé. Mon père t'a trouvé avec ta copine au bord du ruisseau ce matin. est-ce que tu vas bien?"

"Alright, I guess. You don't happen to speak English do you?" I removed the offending hoof from my forehead. I knew a bit of French, enough to know she said something along the lines of: 'good afternoon, are you ok?'

"Oui, I do." Her accent was very nice.

"Would you mind telling us where we are?" one of the windows was open, and I could hear the bustling of the town outside, various people going about their business.

"We are in a town called Mane. My father found you in the woods outside the town." On inspection, I could see her cutie mark, was a white five-pointed star, outlined in black.

"Why did you put us in the same bed?" I scratched Rarity's ears, causing her to shift in the bed.

"Are you not lovers? Father said 'e found you lying with each other in the morning." I shook my head.

"There's been a misunderstanding. I'm pretty sure she just fell asleep next to me."

She put a hoof over her mouth, "Sorry, I did not mean to assume. Would you like some tea? The kettle is boiling." I waved her off. I wasn't too keen on tea, despite being English (heretical of me, I know).

"It's no issue. Do you know where I should go for passage back to Equestria, by any chance?"

"You would 'ave to sail to Eagland then across to Equestria. The nearest port would be in Mareseille, but you would have to go the long way around. It would be quicker to head to Normanedy by train, then sail from there."

"Thank you." I shook the mare on the bed lightly, "Rarity wake the fuck up."

"Mmm, What happened?" She asked, still delirious.

"A couple friendly frogs carried us to their village."

"Frogs? What in Equestria are you talking about?"

"Frenc- fuck, Prench people. The horse puns in the future are fucking me up." I stood up, thankful I had my pants still on. I wouldn't have wanted to explain to Moonflower about how I woke up totally naked in a single bed with a pretty mare. "Point is, we're in a town."

"Oh, thank you Ms..?" Rarity had stopped, unsure of our mystery host.

"Estelle." The slender mare had put a name to the face. "It is only what any good pony would do."

"No, Estelle, really. Thank you very much." Rarity had gotten up now, hoping off the bed and trotting up to the mare, shaking her hoof.

"As I said, it is no problem. We will be 'aving dinner in a couple hours, if you would like to join us?"

"Thank you, but no, we should probably be on our way. Is the currency here still bits? We'll probably be in need of supplies."

"Oui, your bits will suffice as money here."

"Nice, where did you put my clothes?" She pointed to the dresser to the side of the bed. "Oh. Didn't notice that." Rarity had walked out of the room, probably talking to one of Estelle's family members.

Estelle was awkwardly standing there as I put on my clothes. My time in Equestria had done me a lot of good. While I wasn't fat or skinny before I came, I certainly wasn't fit in any sense of the word. I had sort of let myself stop exercising a couple years ago, and a bit of purge had started to creep up on me. Fast forward to a couple months in Equestria, and I'm in top notch condition. Probably the better diet combined with more physical exercise. I wasn't sporting a six pack or anything obvious like that, but I had gained a lot more definition.

Which made it all the more awkward as Estelle was feeling me up.

"What are you doing?" I asked, tensing.

"Admiring the scenery." She rubbed at my arm.

"I have a mare." Frowning, she reluctantly pulled away.

"The best ones are always taken." She sighed, seeming a bit down, she briskly moved out of the room, closing the door behind her.

I dressed myself much quicker after that. Do loads of ponies have weird hidden human fetishes or some shit? Maybe it's because to them, I'm exotic. I know I've got the hot monkey dick, but it ain't that hot.

Peeking out the window, I could see a collection of ponies, griffon, hippogriffs and farm animals such as pigs walking in the street below.

"I really need to ask someone about the whole situation with my bacon."

I exited my room, ducking as the door was too short for me to fit through normally. I could hear Rarity talking with someone downstairs.

"Thank you really, we might not have made it out of that forest if you hadn't picked us up."

" 'onestly it is no problem, cherié." A gruff looking stallion, similar in coat colour to Estelle was talking with her. He spotted me on the stairs, "Ah, the big one is up. You are doing well, I gather?"

I gave him a thumbs up. "Yeah, I guess. Is there a market anywhere, or does the town have a high street?"

"The farmer's market is in the centre of the town. You can get food there, or sit with us for dinner." The stallion offered.

"I already said no to Estelle."

"Of, come now, John." Rarity began, "It would be easier to eat here and then make our way home tomorrow."

I shrugged, "Fine, geez. We'll eat here then. I still want to check out the market though." I turned to the stallion, "Sorry but I don't think I caught your name?"

"Sauvignon." Now that I could see him correctly, he had grapes of various of colour as his cutie mark. Most likely a wine maker.

She seemed content with that. "Wanna come with me? I'd prefer not to walk around town alone."

"Your temperament seems much... meeker, than before." Diamondbutt said.

"Its because no one is being a fucking asshole. I only act like a dick because other people keep doing it." I replied.

"Oh, it's back." She sounded disappointed. "Very well, I'll accompany you to this farmer's market. I do wonder if they are anything similar to back home though."

"They'll be the same. It's not like good food is something exclusive to Equestria." I said a quick goodbye to Sauvignon before opening the door and ushering Rarity through.

Dropping down the front steps, I could see we or more accurately, I was turning heads. I imagined no one would've seen a human yet so the curiosity was forgivable, but there was some level of disgust from a group of older unicorns sat at a table in a nearby cafe.

I shrugged it off, as long as they didn't outright stop or attack me then I could care less what they thought. Thankfully, they just sat there and grumbled.

"Its weird, being an oddity." I sort of blended into crowds pretty easily back home, so this kind of attention still sometimes made me feel odd.

"Oh, hush, it can't be that bad." I snorted derisively at her comment.

The market was chock full of stalls, farmers of various types were here. Rarity was easily caught up in the culture of the town, chatting up any pony who could speak back to her. I decided to leave her alone; she was a big mare, she could take care of her self for a couple minutes.

After a while I found what I was looking for. A Griffin who was selling various forms of meat: steaks, sausages, etcetera. "Excuse me," I called out to the Griffin behind the counter, who was just checking something behind the stall. He pulled his head up, in his confusion, his head twisted to the side a bit, like a dog. "Do you speak English?"

"Non." Good thing I looked up that universal translation spell from that mare a week or so ago. A quick wave of my hand had him speaking the queen's. "Oh, a magic user. I believe that was a translation spell?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?" I asked.

"Many foreign unicorns use them. I was unaware you were capable of such a thing. Anyway, to business: what are you after?"

"Moreso a question. Are the livestock your using sapient? I've seen cows and pigs around that speak." The Griffin laughed, wiping a tear from his eye with a talon. Something that didn't seem very safe in my book.

"No, no. You see these meats are from monsters. Dire Hogs, Brazen Bulls, Blood Eagles and the like. My brother is a hunter of such beasts and very good at what he does. He finds them in the mountains over yonder," he motioned to the east. "Beasts such as that are imported or slain over in Equestria as well. Although in my humble opinion, quality Prench meats are far superior to Equestrian cuts."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Well at least I haven't been eating murder victims." The Griffin squawked as he chuckled. "Thanks for the information." I dropped a couple bits on the counter before leaving.

"Hey!" The Griffin called out. As I turned around he threw the bits back, and I caught them with my magic, "Common knowledge is free. Don't give me bits unless you're buying something."

I levitated the coins into my pockets, before navigatingtheough the market again, taking any and all free samples I was allowed as I passed any food stalls.

"Rarity!" I yelled out, searching for the mare in the crowd. "Rarity! Where the fuck did she go?" As tempting as it was to consider, I had no intention of leaving her behind. The crowd parted, and a fucking crossbow bolt flew past my face.

"Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!" What's up with the Richter Belmont impression?

"It was not by my hand that I was once again given flesh... wait, no. No jokes right now." I composed myself. "Right, so I ain't a monster." I pointed at the unicorn. "If you launch another bolt, I'm gonna teleport it up your ass." He hesitated before firing another bolt. Halting it in mid-air, I made it disappear to you-know-where while the unicorn doubled over in pain.

"John! Oh thank goodness, you wouldn't believe the nerve of this ruffian." She pulled herself from the side of another unicorn, dressed similarly to his friend on the floor."

"Pretty sure I can, actually. The dude literally just fired at me with a crossbow. Talk about rude."

"I suppose you are right in this case." She looked back at the bolt that missed, thankfully it was lodged into a cart instead of anyone else.

I put my hands over my mouth in mock shock. "Wow, you agreed with me for once instead of arguing? You alright Rarity?"

"Oh, haha," she deadpanned. "You really are uncouth aren't you? I suppose I might just have to go with this lot instead." She teased.

"By all means, do as you wish, milady." I put on an overly posh accent.

"Jokes aside, we really ought to deal with the situation at hoof." Rarity turned to the hunter's buddies, who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. "My good stallions, is there no way of resolving this peacefully?"

"Non." One of them replied.

"Well, you tried." I stretched my arm, lighting it as I readied myself to fight.

"Hush now, John. These things require a mare's touch." She gently tried lowering my arm with her magic, the aquamarine aura poking into my own. She turned to the group. "Now, now, what seems to be the problem?" She batted her eyelashes. Let's hope she rolls high for charisma.

The largest of the stallions, about as tall as Luna had moved forward, looking down at Rarity. His accent was too thick for us to understand, so I cast the translate spell again, that shit was starting to tax me. The dude on the floor had recovered now, thanks to his friend taking you-know-what out of you-know-where.

"This beast 'as threatened the town and attacked our associate." He scowled at me.

"I haven't threatened shit. You lot fired first. I gave the dude a chance to acknowledge the fact that I was not a monster by telling him not to fucking shoot me but then he did." I noticed the plaza we were stood in had quieted, Ponies, Griffins and a couple others were watching the conflict.

"If you were to apologise humbly we would be satisfied." Oh boy.

"Sorry for shooting your utter mong of a friend." I apologised.

"What is a 'mong'?" The stallion asked.

"It's a compliment." It wasn't but I'm not exactly gonna tell him that. The squadron of hunter creatures left the area and the usual atmosphere of the market returned, although several stand owners were looking at me more warily than before.

Rarity wiped her brow with a cloth that she had stashed... somewhere. "Well, that went better than expected. I was almost sure it would've devolve into a rumble, given your propensity for violence." She stashed the cloth away again, but I couldn't see where she put it.

"I dont want violence. I stick to self-defense mainly, unless there are special circumstances." Like the majority of times it's happened. I think I broke that rule once or twice, but who gives a shit? Not me. And definitely not whoever is reading this.

I still don't know how you would have gotten your hands, hooves, talons, tentacles or whatever on this though, seeing as I always keep it on me now, since Celestia got her grubby little hooves all over it.

"Then maybe you aren't as much of a scoundrel as I assumed." You're damn right I'm not.

"I'm an angel from on high. You should have more faith in me." My voice oozed with sarcasm.

"Pah! Faith, in you? Not a chance darling." Her tone matching mine. "Well! As we are done with that little upset, shall we do as Rainbow Dash says and 'hang out'? This town is quite beautiful when it's not overrun by buffoon like them."

"Ladies first." I grinned, motioning dramatically with a hand.

"What a gentlecolt." She said, rolling her eyes and proceeding onwards.

The walk around town was nice and quaint, a couple of street musicians were playing something disturbingly similar to the Song of Storms. I had thought to mention it, but realised that nobody else would get what I was talking about. I found out that the group from earlier had been causing trouble around here recently. Not a great idea in my opinion but it was none of my concern anyway. The faster we got out of here tomorrow, the faster I could put those tossers behind me.

The day had run its course and we were heading back to Sauvignon's home for dinner.

"Ooh, my hooves ache from all that trotting." Rarity said disdainfully.

"You're telling me. You have four hooves to spread the weight on. I only have two feet."

"Well that just means I go through double the pain." She rebuked, staring at her alabaster hooves.

"Ah, quit your whining. We're almost there Diamondbutt." You could see Estelle walking towards the front door from here, she noticed your approach and stopped to wave.

"I really wish you wouldn't call me that. It's so distasteful." She looked up from her hooves, noticing the mare in front of us and giving a wave of her own. "Oh! Hello dear, we've had a wonderful time in your town. The market was quite lovely."

Estelle smiled, "I love it 'ere as well, Rarity. I am glad my father decided to raise me 'ere. Come in, come in. Father has cooked a special meal tonight. We would usually eat this on Sunday's but 'e was so 'appy to 'ave guests for dinner that 'e decided to make it today." She opened the door, beckoning us through with a hoof.

"Oh, how kind of him!" Rarity dashed through the open door. "Thank you dear."

I sniffed at the air as I hopped up the porch, a familiar scent caused my eyes to widen. It couldn't be...

"You made Sunday Roast?" I queried as Sauvignon set each plate down.

"Yes. My wife was a Griffin from Eagland, so she taught me how to make the stuff, she used to love it, before she passed on."

"Sorry for your loss." He waved it off.

"Bah! She spent the time she had making me the happiest stallion alive, so I owed it to her to keep smiling after her time ended." A bittersweet expression graced his face as he sat.

I pulled out a chair. "How did you end up with Estelle then?"

"I adopted. I wouldn't trade her for the world." His daughter put a hoof on his fore leg, coling around it. "How about you? Got any family?"

I nodded, " I had...Two Sisters and a Brother. One of the sisters had kids. Haven't seen my mum in over a year now, and my brother is ok for now." I resisted the urge to scowl. "Dad passed away." I started to dig in, picking up a couple pieces of carrot with a fork, rolling it in the gravy and then eating it. The taste even reminded me of home.

"I feel like you aren't telling me something, son." He narrowed his eyes.

"And I dont plan to, as much as I'm grateful for the food, it's none of your business." I replied defensively, spearing a bit of the monster beef on the fork.

"I'd prefer not to cause a ruckus at the table, but whatever it is you're holding in, it ain't good for you." I frowned.

"I dont need some random old dude telling me I have issues." I'd had enough of that with my own dad, nevermind other people.

"John, are you alright?" Rarity was alarmed as I had stood up without realising it and was leaning across the table at the stallion.

"I'm fine, Rarity. Just lost my temper a bit." I settled back into my chair. "Sorry about that. It's a sore subject."

"I could tell." He finished, eating a mouthful of his own food. We continued to wat in mostly silence, aside from Rarity or Estelle trying to engage us back in conversation, to no avail.

After finishing the food, I turned in early, having suddenly lost the urge to sit around and talk. Plodding hoofsteps had alerted me to Rarity's presence in the room. Sauvignon had placed another bed in the room for her after we had left, and she had quickly hopped onto it and began talking.

"John, are you sure you dont want to talk about earlier?" I turned over, facing away from the concerned mare. "I may not be your closest friend, but I believe you can trust me with anything. A lady doesn't tell tales."

"Its not a matter of trust. I just... don't want to talk about it. Its painful." I'd rather not burden her with these kinds of issues. I'd done a good job hiding it, aside from Lavan knowing about it, and maybe Celestia because he might have told her about it, or she could've picked up the pieces from reading a bit of my journal. "Goodnight, Rarity." I said coldly.

"If you truly aren't ready to talk, so be it. One day you will be, and I, along with the others will be ready to listen." The sincerity of her words hit me.

"Thank you." I mumbled, closing my eyes. She decided to keep fairly silent after that, aside from getting up to go to the loo once.

As time went on, I found it more awkward to sleep, the bed was too small, the room had a draft, or the pillow wasn't comfy enough. You get the idea. I got up, sitting at the bedside while contemplating tomorrow.

Supplies? gotten. My brain? Attached firmly to body. Marshmallow horse? Acquired. I ran over various problems in my head, trying to figure out if I had something wrong. All signs pointed to no.

I had thought of using a sleep spell but remembered what Rarity had said about it just making things worse, so I refrained from using it.

My inability to sleep had plagued me all the way into the wee hours of the morning and my only way of alleviating the monotony was to dive into my imagination, wondering whether Twilight or Celestia would win in a fight? would Moonflower and I ever get a bit of time to spend together? That kind of stuff.

I started doing a bit of messing around with fire in my sleep deprived state, accidentally burning a pillow. I put it out and then turned the case inside out so no one would notice.

The morning was almost here so I decided to get ready. Having fully clothed myself I tried waking up Rarity. She didn't budge so I just slung her over my shoulder with the rest of the stuff and made my way downstairs. I thought for a moment before using my magic to write a little 'thank you' note to Estelle and her dad. It was times like this when I had my hands full that I was so glad I had magic. Holding an annoyingly heavy load as well as the supplies through the door would have been impossible without it.

Rarity had woken up as we hit the outside, grumbling as she did. Once she was cognizant enough, I set her down and she continued on with me, taking a bit of the weight off of me.

"Sleep well?" Rarity yawned, flicking an ear while looking distasteful at her unstyled mane. I wasnt about to waste three hours waiting for her to get it ready. "Oh, couldn't we have waited a while before leaving?"

"Nah, couldn't get a wink. I'll probably just snooze on the train. Your mane looks fine anyway. I also left them a thank you note." We were approaching the railroad as we spoke, a couple other early risers waiting for a train to pass at the edge of the tracks.

The station was one of the places we had checked out yesterday, having booked tickets to Maris (yeah that's seriously what it's called here), since Rarity insisted upon it and I also wanted to satisfy my own curiosity. This was the first time I was going to see somewhere I'd been before while in this new future. What could go wrong? Spoilers: A lot.

Author's Note

Apparently, my brain really just doesn't want to make things too easy for me, so it just drops a mental block every time I try writing anything for this, so it took a lot longer than I would've liked.

It also didn't help that I had to blitz through season 7 and 8 to see if I was treading over canon stuff in some other fics I have in the works.

Chapter XX: Back At It Again

"Oh my Celestia, this station is simply dazzling!" Rarity shouted drawing the attention of a fair few commuting ponies. The Marisian station was quite astounding, but I didn't feel like making a scene so I withheld my amusement, while Rarity yelled out her enthusiasm.

"Gush later. I'm hungry." I had a backpack now, having bought one from a random station while on the line to Maris. "We'll definitely find at least one good restaurant, if Maris is anywhere near similar to Paris." At least I hope there is. The walls of the station were decorated in murals of differing quality, most were quite good. There was one particularly well done mural of the four princesses.

"Ooh! I know just the place, Darling. My family and I went there when I was younger!" Rarity was looking like a giddy filly. "It's been such a long time since I've been here, you know? My mother and father took me to Prance once when I was a foal."

"Cool story. Lead the way, Diamondbutt." I filed in behind her.

"Good grief, would you stop calling me that in public." She stamped a hoof. "I really can't take you anywhere, can I?" She bemoaned, earning her an ear flick.

"I am become hunger. Eater of foods. Now take me to that which may sustain me." I was gonna get hangry if she didn't hurry up.

"Oh, fine. You're carrying everything as punishment though." She headed forward as I followed. I tried to not stare at her flank, but she fucking flaunts that shit constantly.

I raised a brow. "I already am. I have been for pretty much the entire journey." It wasn't exactly heavy so I saw no reason to complain.

Rarity waved off my retort with a hoof. "Details, darling. Details. You'll be happy to know that the restaurant also serves Griffins. It's called the Royal Marisian." We had just exited the station, various creatures crowding the pavements as carriages were drawn through the streets. An occasional Griffin or Pegasus could be seen flying a couple metres above the crowd. If I looked hard enough, it was possible to see a couple zeppelins in the sky.

"How original of them, I never would've thought to name a restaurant in Paris the Parisian." I deadpanned, putting a hand over my face as my eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight.

"My father said the same thing, aside from using your odd human words. We should hurry, since the lunch rush will probably begin soon."

"Fine by me."

"You aren't very talkative today. Are you still angry about that night in the village?"

"Rarity, can we hurry this up? I'm hungry. Chat me up while we wait for food."

"Rude." She harrumphed.

I gave a wry grin. "Posh."

"Uncouth."

"Stuck-up."

"See! You're perfectly fine with a bit of back and forth banter, just tell me what's bothering you dear."

"Rarity, I'm literally just hungr- Sorry." I accidentally barged into a short Griffin. "Yeah, I'm hungry." Pausing, I patted my pocket, noticing the distinct lack of weight.

"Motherfucker!" That Griffin had my phone. He disappeared into the crowd before leaping into the air to fly away. "Not happening."

I guesstimated where he'd be in a second or two before teleporting onto him, he was small enough that I could weigh him down pretty easily. I missed grabbing his neck but got one of his back legs, yanking him down to street level again.

The commuters trotting down the pavement parted as I tussled with him. It took a couple seconds for me to get a knee on either wing and his front claws behind his back.

"There we are. Scram, asshole." I yanked the wallet off of him and threw him away from me. He quickly disappeared into the crowd. I got up, feeling suddenly tired. "Fuck. Teleporting still takes a lot of energy to cast."

"That was very well done. Most unicorns have trouble visualising accurately when they do that kind of thing." Rarity remarked, looking in the direction the Griffin flew off. "A bit harsh though."

"I'm pretty good at it, and he deserved it." My years of gaming experience payed off. "Let's just hurry to that restaurant. I'm starving." I stumbled momentarily before I got back up, waving off Rarity's offers to take some of the baggage.

"Cor. This is so good." I was biting into a french ham sandwich, like, just a normal sandwich, but it's in baguette bread instead, I think it was called a jam on buerre or something like that. "Mmmmh, so god damn goooood." I gripped the thing with a hand, stretching my other arm. "Its like an orgasm after every bite."

"John! There are children present. Stop being so lewd." Rarity whispered loudly, looking across the rows of tables.

"Look around, Marshmallow. There literally isn't a single kid anywhere near us. Chill out." I took another large bite out of my sandwich, noticing a commotion outside. "What's that?"

Watching a large snake like creature slither across the main road, she swallowed a mouthful of her own food; a salad of some kind. "It appears to be a runaway circus animal..." Rarity steeled herself, putting down her cutlery. "Come, John! We must stop the beast. It is part of my duty as an Element of Harmony."

"C'mon, it's a single circus animal. Can we just eat? Also, you are the Element of Harmony in this situation. Not me."

She sighed in disappointment. "Fine. Since you believe it is not your problem, I won't make you go. Enjoy your sandwich." Rarity frowned, galloping out into the street.

"Yeah, that trick won't work on me." I continued munching the baguette. "Nope." Finishing the sandwich, I burped and stood up. "Eh, fuck it. Twilight probably wouldn't like knowing I abandoned her to fight a ferocious monster." The lecture wouldn't be worth the satisfaction of calling Rarity on her bluff of going without me. I tried teleporting through the window onto the street.

Zipping out of the restaurant, I felt that crushing tiredness again. "Fuck. I really need to work on my magic more." I'd been trying to do so, but I kept putting off training. Mainly because I hadn't started teleporting yet.

God, I wish Lavan was here. It was much easier doing all this shit when he was at the helm.

"Rarity! You stuck up bitch! I'm on my way!" She was still galloping after the snake thing. "Fucking hell, I forgot how fast those mares are in a straight line." They can fucking sprint like horses... oh wait.

I pointed at a rather bulky looking pegasus. "Hey you! I'll pay you 50 bits if you can catch me up to that white unicorn mare over there!" I flashed the small bag of bits.

He took a moment to consider it. Nodding, he took the bits, before flying away at top speed, leaving me low on bits and still chasing after Rarity.

"You fucking shitbag!" I thought of taking a shot as his wings before realising that it would be a bad idea. "Fuck it. Running through traffic it is then." I ran directly into the road, dodging past a chariot moving past. Another was on the other side, following the path that Rarity was taking, so I took a running jump, grabbing onto the back of the vehicle. The snake creature was still a ways away.

I quickly clambered on top of the chariot, picking out Rarity by her purple mane. I was catching up to her, thankfully.

Ahead, the snake seemed to have come to a stop, coiling around a large fountain, with its tail, it slapped away a group of public bins, launching them towards me. I dropped, feeling the rushing wind as the rubbish flew over me.

"What the fuck is that thing?" I mumbled, standing back up.Rarity was closer now, but she had just disappeared into the dense crowd. As the road curved , I hopped off, cursing as I scuffed up my knees. "Rarity!" I shouted. "She must already be dealing with it. Stupid crayon horses and their god damn bullshit." She was being too reckless. I pushed aside various Ponies and Griffins, earning a couple deserved insults and cursing.

As I entered the town square, I could see Rarity trying to figure out a way to deal with it. "Oh, John. You came? I thought you were too busy enjoying your food?" She sniped.

"I finished. Got any ideas on how to deal with this thing?"

"Don't look at me! Aren't you supposed to be a guard?"

"Well that doesn't qualify me t- shit!" The snake slammed its tail down where I was standing, causing me to dodge and push Rarity out of the way. "Know any binding spells?"

"Not my forte, darling. Was more into barriers. Give me some cloth however... LOOK OUT!" the snake opened its face, its mouth splitting into three different jaws while a group of tentacles shot out.

"Find something! I'll distract it." I used a lot of weak fire in an attempt to scare it off, opposed to hurting it. Mainly because it would have been too taxing to put any real damage into it.

Rarity galloped off as I continued to deal with the serpent. It was clear from the face opening like it did that I wasn't just dealing with an enlarged snake, but I had no idea what it was.

I spewed more light flames into its face, occasionally dodging an errant whip of its tail.

After a few minutes, I was finding it harder to deal with the snake, my reserves running low. Rarity was still nowhere to be seen and the crowd had pretty much dissipated, finally realising it wasnt a smart idea to stick around while a huge rampaging beast was flailing itself around.

This was going to take a while.

--A torn page--

The jungle was oddly silent.

'We are close now.' Death whispered in her puppet's ear.

"Good." The crunching of various leaves underhoof broadcast the presence of the Necromancer to anything within the vicinity.

'The gates of Xibalba were quite the feeding grounds for some of the older gods. Many were sacrificed here, but unfortunately for them, the gods in question were long dead. Which leaves much pittance to be harvested just beyond the threshold.'

Eventually, the delapedated constructs became visible past the copse of trees. Ancient stone, almost completely overtaken by vegetation, and it some cases held together by it.

A river stood between them and the temple, the rushing rapids would have been damaging even to this body, so he was forced to expend energy on a teleport, wasteful, but necessary.

'Do you hear that?' Death asked, her quiet tone sparking interesting her charge.

"What?"

'Listen closely.'

Lacking ears to listen closer with, he cast another spell to amplify the strength of his hearing.

Wrrrryyyy... it was an animalistic, guttural noise, coming from the temple itself.

'Be ready. One of the old guards may still be here.'

"You talk of the old gods and their guards. Who are they?"

'The ones who came before. Their names are almost forgotten now. I believe the only one who might have an iota of them is Destruction's avatar, or maybe some of his friends. I have felt a few humans pull themselves from the coil, momentarily.'

"There are more of them?"

'Yes. I have a feeling it will not slow down either. His avatar is living up to his calling, he has already caused a great disaster, if I remember correctly.'

"You are not welcome here." A voice spoke from the darkness. The necromancer looked up. "You stand before Camazotz. Begone, intruder."

'The bat. I remember now.'

"I smell the rot on you. The passage has been sealed for eons, you may not enter here."

"We need to get in."

"We?" Camazotz dropped from the sealing, catching himself on his wings and gliding to the floor. "Yes...Maybe you can enter. Ah Puch, are you there?"

Ah Puch?

'The name of one of my previous charges. Quite a penchant for suffering, he had.'

"Yes. He is here. Within me." The necromancer said, the bat sniffing at his skeletal face.

"These bones have been prepared." He nodded. "It is good to hear of one of the old ones. Much time has passed since the abandonment of the temples." Camazotz explained. "You have taken the form of this equine creature. What is it, with wings as grand as Kukulkan himself and a bladed horn?"

Death took over the Necromancer's mouth. "A new breed. After the humans perished."

"Mmm, very good. Would not do well for you to be suffering in weak body. Come. I lead the way." Camazotz clambered into the darkness, and the undead quadraped followed.

How have ponies never heard of this creature before, this Camazotz?

'Changelings have occupied the south for many years. Most ponies dont even realise anything exists below the border, just desert. In fact, I suspect the only other creatures aware that the south even exists is probably limited to us, Destruction, the human, and the princesses.'

It does not surprise me that ponies were not smart enough to look, but what of the griffon, the minotaurs, and the other greater races?

'Maybe the ponies are not as alone in their idiocy as you once thought?'

I refuse to believe that.

'Suit yourself.'

Camazotz sniffed at the air. "Odd. Smell is closer than before. Sacrifices not able to make it out of pit."

"Can you deal with them?"

"Death is within your dealings, I simply protect temples and kill intruders."

"Of course."

'In the wall to your left.'

The necromancer's horn glowed, shaking as magic seeped from his side, sharpening to a point before stabbing into the mess of vines. He dissipated the magic, the rattling horn let out one last spark before they continued onwards.

The thrum of energy became more intense the closer they were to this 'Xibalba'. Simply standing here would have killed most creatures, evidenced by the various skeletons of rats and a dried husk of a changeling that was littering various steps, the body having collapsed into smaller parts and rolled down the stairway.

"Have we crossed the threshold?" The Necromancer asked.

"See yourself." Camazotz motioned his winged arm as the stairway opened up into a cavern, various statues strewn around with several undead crowding around them, piked upon stalagmites.

Disgusting.

'This is a place for those who have commited many crimes. Did you think they would be treated kindly?'

"I did not think that you would keep them like this for so long. These are humans, correct?"

Camazotz shrugged. "Human, not human. Does not matter. They been kept like this since others left."

'That would be a couple million years, give or take.'

How do we go about taking their...energy, was it?

'Pittance. You steal their suffering. They will be yours when you are done. Some are experienced warriors, so they would have no trouble taking care of a few guards with the strength I give them. Strength you will benefit from.'

"Camazotz." The bat pricked an ear, his attention undivided. "I will be truthful. I am here to take these undead with me, I need them to deal with some unsavoury elements."

"You no need to ask me. I am guard. You are lord, you be knowing that if you were actual Ah Puch. I tell difference, see. You kinder than him, weaker. But you smell same. I trust nose more than eyes." He tapped at his pig-like nose, snorting.

The necromancer descended, taking his first steps into the unholy ground.

Approaching the closest statue, one of the hollow corpses reached out, trying to tear at him.

'Stand near the statue, I shall drain it of its power. It will hurt you. A lot.'

"No matter the cost, I shall have my revenge." He steeled himself, pressing a hoof to the rock before Death pierced the rock.

Home. The church tower. The chiming bell.

Where am I? The Necromancer asked himself. Looking up, he could see the garden.

You are not welcome here.

'You are back. I know what you saw.'

"I am fine. If anything, that made it easy to see it was fake."

'Very well. Meet your thrall.'

The undead, previously staked, were now stood upright, silently waiting for orders.

"Get out of here. I need you to bridge that gap outside. The rest will need to walk over it when we are finished."

The undead dispersed, crawling, running and stumbling away at different speeds.

So obedient.

'They are much stronger than the flimsy bugs we used before. The nature of their penance cursed their bodies to reform after their punishments. As I said, Ah Puch was cruel.'

Weren't you him?

'His cruelty was his own. I am not cruel, dear.'

It disgusts me. No creature deserves this.

'Not even a pony?' Death asked as they approached another pillar.

Ponies do not suffer their own pain. They suffer the pain of those they love. That is their strength and weakness. If you aren't loved, you are cast out, since their kindness does not extend beyond their own species.

Death's tendrils shot into the pillar once more, causing more hallucinations. They were weaker than the first and more easily shrugged off.

The new group of undead was asked to bring the totems over, they complied, lifting the stone monoliths with ease.

One after another, the pillars crumbled, as more energy accumulated in his body he felt the strain reach the skeletal horn once more.

With a sharp gasp, the pain subsided. That was the last of them.

'We are done here, unless you want to go deeper?'

I'm in no mood to trek through this imitation of tartarus.

Camazotz had found himself a comfortable perch on the ceiling hooked claws digging into the rock.

"I stay here. Keep guard. Luck to you, death mage." Camazotz seemed to form back into the ceiling.

An odd creature.

'I personally found him charming.' Death chuckled.

I'm sure. Where to next?

'I believe we may have to move across the great seas. But before then I shall show you how to hide your thrall. Dead men walking tend to attract a lot of attention.'

Men?

'A human term, borrowed from a human phrase. The magic you require is known as demiplane. I can teach you what i know of it.'

"And that's the end of it?" I asked, looking at the giant snake bound in a net of silk thread.

The guard nodded as his fellow guardstallions began to hoist the creature away. "Yes. We've tracked down the owner, and they'll pay the relevant fees to the city. Thank you for your excellent work. Give my regards to the Element of Generosity too." Holding a quill and board in his magical grip, the guard scribbled down a few notes and disappeared into the crowd, presumably following the giant snake being dragged away.

"Well dear, i have to say i enjoyed that." Rarity was sat at a nearby bench posing for the press, who immediately jumped in the second the creature was subdued.

"Sure. And i bet your wallet is going to enjoy having to pay back the owner of whoever you got that yarn from."

Rarity's eyes widened as she seemed to remember something, "That's the thing, darling. It was a human at the store! I could barely believe my eyes, but her prench was fantastic."

My eyes widened. "Finally." Someone new. Hopefully they spoke English this time. Actually i moreso wish they're at least from the same century as me. "Rarity, could you take me there? It's pretty important we get her up to speed."

Rarity hopped off of her bench. "But of course. Let us be on our way."

"Comment ça, je ne peux pas la poursuivre ? elle a sauté par ma fenêtre, a volé ma soie puis s'est enfuie!" That sounded like an angry french person. A woman from the sounds of it.

Turning the corner into the store, i caught a glimpse of a short, well built woman with tan skin and short brown hair arguing with a white esrth pony with extremely long, red, curly hair

"putain de merde!?" Pretty sure that was her saying 'what the fuck?' If there's anything i remember from school about french it's that merde means fuck. "c'est bon de voir un autre humain autour."

"Sorry lady, my french isn't great." She recognised the language, thankfully.

"Allo? You are English? Do you know where anyone else is? I 'ave been 'ere for a few weeks. And it 'as been sometime since I last saw a person." The woman's demeanour changes dramatically as she gives me a once over.

"Understandable. Its been a hot minute since I've seen a human too. How'd you get here?"

She wracks her brain for a moment. "I was at the market, picking up food for dinner, my boys, they were with me, and then, everything slowed down and..." Biting back tears, she continues. "I fell unconscious, I couldn't find them. Then these horses, they find me, clothe me and help me get work here. It was all rather surreal, and I think the only reason I'm still sane is because I'm in denial."

This was my fault.

"I may be able to help." I bit down the guilt as well as I could. "You've seen the magic, right?" She nodded. "There may be a way to get back home. I've been working with some of the leaders of the horse people- ponies they call themselves." I explained.

"Yes, it is rather cute isn't it?"

"Yes, well, the best one at using magic helped me go back in time before, but it didn't work. We're trying to get it right though." I paused, trying to properly word, what I'm saying. "Basically, come with me, we should be able to get you home, at some point."

Rarity finally decided to stop hiding behind the doorway. "Yes! So please forgive us for reappropriating your silk." Wow, smooth Rarity.

"You!" She looked angry for a second, before returning the conversation to me. "Fine, I shall go with you. This one shall pay for me." She pointed at Rarity. The white unicorn flinched slightly as the woman bustled through the door, glaring at her all the while. "I shall return to my house to pack. You are welcome to join me."

"Oh, I almost forgot. Je m'appelle John."

"Your french needs work. I am Helen, it is good to meet you."

I was honestly more nervous than i should've been, sitting in a sofa that was slightly too low to the ground for a human to be comfortable in. Helen was packing in the other room and Rarity was softly tapping her hooves together.

"You look odd, John." Rarity stated.

"W-what do you mean?" I said, probably a little too quickly.

"You're nervous aren't you?" Rarity smirked. "I assume a lady has never invited you to her apartment like this before?"

I sighed, "Yes, Rarity. It is. You done now?"

"Oh no, darling I didn't mean it like that. You just seem rather cute." Rarity smiled coyly.

"Get over yourself. Yeah, when it comes to ponies, I can usually use my suspension of disbelief to keep me calm, but everything feels a lot more real when it comes to actual humans."

"Oh. I had wondered why. You seem a lot less tense around far more intimidating ponies."

"Can we stop talking about this? Please." Fucking stop prying.

"Sorry, I just-" Rarity began.

"Stop talking." I started to get up and walk to the bathroom, in order to stop this conversation from continuing. Lightly pulling the door closed and locking it, I stared into the mirror. "Fuck."

She'll definitely tell Twilight, and then I'll have to do some stupid shit friendship thing again. Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut?

I sighed, going about my business. Helen had left her phone in here, although it seemed to be completely dead. I should make sure she doesn't forget it. After washing up and drying my hands quickly with a bit of fire magic, I grabbed the phone and walked out.

Rarity had left the couch in favour of going to bother the woman in the other room, who had seemingly gotten over what happened earlier, as he could hear the both of them giggling from the room over, the door slightly ajar.

Nope, not looking through that, I ain't about to have some anime bullshit where I trip and get beaten up for being curious.

So I sat down again on the annoying couch, waiting again. I did a bit of magical meditation stuff, and accidentally burned a pillow, but thankfully i was able to turn the case inside out and nobody would ever know.

Unless they were to read this book of course.

I will find you, mark my words.

After an incredibly long time, the two of them had finally finished, and the two of them tossed a bunch of bags at me.

"Rarity, you hold your own stuff. And Helen, take the damn briefcase." I said from under the mountain of bags.

"Not very gentlemanly is he?" Helen raised an eyebrow.

"No. I'm not. And I also only have two arms, so I can only hold a majority of this, as opposed to all of it. Rarity is a literal horse with saddlebags and you have nothing else to do, so I'm not holding all of it."

"You make a fair point." Rarity flatly said, taking soem of the bulk from me.

Helen ended up taking one bag and a suitcase, all of which were far too small for her to use. A drawback of a world where everyone is slightly smaller than you, I suppose.

"Right, so will we be using the teleportation thing in the city hall?" Helen asked.

"The what?" I almost dropped the bags that I just picked up.

"Oh, one of my friends, a lovely florist from across the street to my shop was talking about it. There was a royal emergency recently, and one of the nobility used it."

I looked to Rarity. "And you were going to tell me about this, when?"

"I may have, erm, accidentally forgot. I wanted to see what the big fuss was about, with you, I mean."

I massaged the bridge of my nose to avoid the incoming headache. "There's fuss about me? Rarity, you're world-renowned as being best friends with several people who know me. Just ask them. Or at least don't use it as an excuse to waste time here. You know what, nevermind, we'll deal with this after we get back." The shit these ponies do sometimes.

"You're very overdramatic." Helen noted. "Let's just go."

"I don't mean to be. It probably has to do with the creature thats been fucking inhabiting my brain for several months, they're normally quite easy to anger, and I think some of that has rubbed off, frankly."

"Right. So is this like an actual thing, or do you have some kind of multiple personality thing going on here?"

"Yes, it'sreal. Let's just go." I gave up on dealing with Diamondbutt. "This should at least get us to Canterlot."

"Are all the puns they use here so egregious?" The other human asked. "Every time I hear a location, it pains me."

"Nah." I paused for dramatic effect. "They get worse. A lot worse."

"Fantastic. Are we traveling to the town of Humansville?"

"No." Another pause for dramatic effect. "We'll be going to Ponyville."

I can almost feel the mental wound that was just inflicted upon her. "You're kidding, right?" I stay silent, a devious smile crossing my face. "Right?"

Refusing to answer the question, I moved forward.

Getting to the teleportation area was pretty simple, I just showed them Rarity and all the security got hand-waived. At that pont it was simply a matter of waiting for them to ensure the safety of the portal, which didn't take much at all, since it had been used very recently.

"So how have you been getting on in this place? You seem like you've been here longer."

"Very well. I got magic."

"Damn. I didn't get any of that. Would be nice to learn something like that and have it for when I get back home."

"Yeah. Its a lot of fun." I smiled. "Especially blowing things up, and teleporting, I'm improving quite quickly honestly."

"Well good for you." She paused. "Wait, are you not coming back?"

I folded my arms, "Nah. I really don't want to go back to a normal job and paying rent. Also, my family and friends all believe I'm dead, so..."

"I feel like you should've mentioned the family thing first." Helen said, a concerned look on her face.

"Eh, never a particularly great relationship with them." I shrugged as a pony waved us over. "There we go."

The auburn unicorn in charge informed us about the safety protocols and how not to get telefragged. It was a really long spiel and I can't remember most of it, let alone be bothered to write it all down.

"It's a shame, really. I was hoping to explore around Maris for a while." Rarity sighed.

"Then come back here with Twilight and the rest. They'll enjoy it. Probably." I was very thankful for the excuse that Helen's presence gave me to hurry this along, since without her, Rarity probably would've had me acting as her chauffeur in Maris and on the cruise back.

"Oh hush darling, spending time with us isn't that bad, is it?" Rarity asked.

"No, I just have more inportant things to do. Like learning magic."

"You need to make sure you aren't just doing that. We're worried about you, you know. You seem generally more sour these days."

"Rarity, I appreciate the heart to heart, but can we deal with this later?"

"See! This is what I mean. It's not healthy to just skirt around these conversations."

"Not now, Rarity." The unicorns conducting the teleportation ritual flared the magic on their horns, arcing into a rising ring of arcane energies before there was a flash of pink and we were stood on marble floors once again. The sharp temperature change was made apparent as the sun beamed through a stained glass window depicting some manner of harmonious pony stuff.

"Toasty." Helen said, pulling off her coat. "Where are we?" She looked around at the mostly pristine room.

"America, basically. I had theories that Canterlot was built on Yellowstone, but I ended up being wrong, so I couldn't exactly tell you where, in Earth terms. We're a couple miles away from the place where we can send you home, follow me." We began our mini tour of the castle as I did my best to figure out what floor we were on and where the throne room was.

"Oh, magnificent. Is there another portal we're going through?"

"Nope. Unless we just waltz in on the princesses."

"Wait, you can do that?" The woman raised an eyebrow incredulously.

"The guy I was sharing my mind with is a very good friend of the princess, also I'm a friend of theirs too. If they're in, we may be able to just walk over and ask someone to voop us back to Ponyville."

"You were being serious about that?"

"Yup, I told you i had a fun time here."

"Certainly an eventful one." Helen stared up at many of the glass windows we passed by. "This... isn't a dream is it?"

"If it has, that's kinda fucked up." I turned a corner, seeing a particularly goofy looking statue of some unicorn general with a broken horn and remembering exactly where we were. "Right, there should be a set of stairs coming up." We spent the rest of the walk to the throne room fairly quietly. Rarity didn't really inerject at all for some reason until we entered the throne room.

"Well, I suppose I can stick around in Canterlot for a short time, I shall see you back in Ponyville, John." Rarity turned to Helen. "It was nice meeting you darling, and I wish you the best of luck." With something akin to a curtsy, Rarity trotted away, leaving the pair of us outside of the throne room.

"Whenever you're ready." I asked, as Helen nodded in affirmation.

And with that, I pushed open one of the double doors into the large cavernous throne room, where the big horse herself was positioned, enjoying what seemed to be a fairly slow court day. There was only one petitioner today, explaining something about map sales. Sunbutt seemed to be in the middle of approving it as we walked in, almost dropping her seal as she saw Helen enter the room.

"Thank you, True Bearing. The issue shall be resolved as soon as possible." The stallion, True Bearing, seems as shocked as Celestia when he saw two Humans stood behind him, hurrying out of the room with wide eyes.

"So..." I slapped my hands together. "How've you been?" Helen was half in awe of Celestia, and half done with my shit.

"Hi. I'm Helen, I'm another human. I was told that you could send us to," she turned to me. "Ponyville, was it?"

"Yeah." Celestia tilted her head curiously at Helen. "Gigahorse? You in there?" Some of the guards bristled at that.

Celestia snapped out of her stupor, shaking her head slightly. "Ah, yes. You need me to teleport you, I'm guessing?"

In my head, her voice rang out. 'We need to talk about the ramifications of this later. For now, I'll send you to Twilight.'

"Pretty much. Time is very literally of the essence here." I readied my stomach for the sensation of puking that I usually experienced with this kind of teleportation before Celestia nodded.

"Lavan sends his regards as well, John."

In the next instant, yellow light flashed around me and I heard Helen retching as she sat on her knees.

There was a small clatter, and my head fell on to something soft. "Damn, probably should've mentioned that." I clutched at my head before looking up and hitting my head on something purple. "Ow. Where did she pop us out at?" Pulling my head back, it seemed that i had landed directly on a rather fuzzy lavender pillow.

Wait. That isn't a pillow, that's Tiwlight's belly.

"John! Where did you come from? Oh, you've found another human." Twilight seemed oddly unsurprised.

"You're comfy." I paused. "So can you send her back?" I began to push myself off of her, noticing that I had landed half on the weird holotable, and had spilled a cup of tea when I landed.

"I should be able to." Twilight surrounded the cup in a purple glow before all the liquid seemed to flow back into the cup, in reverse. "Oh, you'll be happy to know we made a few breakthroughs in Chronomancy while you were gone. A few new spells, even."

"Cool beans. Hey, you mind if I go to my room while you set that stuff up? Its been a long day." I dropped a bunch of bags on the floor. These are Rarity's. Spike will probably take them if you ask. I'm gonna go write and then nap. Wake me up if you need help."

She won't need help., I thought as i mustered most of the magic i had in my to teleport directly into my room from the main atrium of the castle.

My feet, legs, and my shoulders ached from walking around with a hunch of bags on me for an extended period of time, but i jotted down all the main points of this whole event, magicked my clothes off and crawled into bed.

Damn, its felt like ages since I'd last written in that diary.

Author's Note

Damn. Its been a while since i last uploaded huh. Sorry about that. I got busy, basically completed a degree and lost interest in writing for a while.

Also 100k words and 20k views, sweet.

Chapter I: Embers (Rewritten)

Author's Note

Rewritio completio.

Thanks for reading.

Chapter I: Embers (Rewritten)

Crap, did I fall out of bed? This floor is hard as stone. I pushed my self away from the floor, noticing the shadow of something falling on top of me.

My eyes widened and I crawled out the way, taking stock of my surroundings as my other senses kicked in. This place was on fire, smoke pooling at the top of the building as different wooden supports burned away, dropping onto piles of wooden boxes and adding to the blaze.

I yelled out, "HELP! I'M GOING TO DIE! PLEASE SAVE ME!" A sudden draft blew threw the building sending embers omto me, burning my face, and settong half of my clothes on fire. I haphazardly slapped out the fire before looking around again.

This time I saw am orb, almost sunlike in appearance but with a luminance more similar to magma.

"I am Lavan. I would wish to bond with you, your safety for mine. I Would lik..."

"I don't care! Whatever you are, just get me out of here alive!"

The ball pulsed, almost angrily. " Mortals."

The orb entered me, and I passed out.

'Don't worry, I'll evacuate us. When you wake, be ready to run.'

My eyes drooped open slowly, taking in my surroundings.

What I didnt expect to see was a small, angry unicorn with hair that looked like toothpaste.

"What in the fuck are you?" I said, coughing up a bit of ash. Noticing I was binded in place. "You into bondage, ya..." I took a second to think of an insult, "Hornhead?"

He took a few seconds to study me before beginning some questioning, "Ahem. John was it? John Smith? That is your name, correct. We found it on several documents in the wallet we found on you. Says here that you are twenty years of age."

"The fuck do you think? Who else could that picture be of? Twat."

"Earlier today. Several ponies witnessed you barging out of a storehouse in upper Canterlot. Is this correct?

"I came out of a burning building, I think."

"Did you start that fire?"

"I was asleep in my bed at in my home, taking a midday nap on a saturday. I wake up, I'm in a burning building."

"Unlikely. Burn marks on the scene ooze the same kind of magic aura as you are now. No other evidence currently points to your innoncence, so let me ask you: why did you burn down that storehouse?"

I sighed.

'Steel yourself Smith. I will blast away your restrains.'

"Sorry for wasting your time uh... what's your name?" I looked at the unicorn quizzically.

"Shining Armour."

"I'll remember that name. As an idiot who doesn't look behind himself when my friends have knocked out the guards behind him!"

His eyes widened and he turned around to face the threat that wasn't there he gasped, looking back to me as fire extended from my arms and detonated, blasting apart the entire cell. I could see that the unicorn had put up a forcefield around himself and was crouching on a wobbly bit of cobblestone that collapsed from under him, dropping him down to the dungeon floors below us. Well, below me at least.

Barreling through a sizable whole left by the explosion, I patted some rubble off of my remarkable unscathed clothes.

'Do not worry, I have made them resistant to my powers.' That voice again.

Lavan, was it?

'Correct. I am surprised you remembered, considering your state of panic earlier.' he paused. 'There are ponies coming from either side of this hall. If you give me control, we may yet survive.'

Do what you need to.

I instantly felt myself pull back, as if I had been dragged out of the driver's seat and thrown into a rather luxurious cushion.

I pulled myself forwards and could see normally once again.

My left hand was ablaze with gouts of flame licking up to my shoulder. A troop of armoured guards rushed around the corner and into a blast of burning energy that knocked them outwards like bowling pins. Ten more came from the other side and my other arm pulled the ceiling down, caving in the passage on one side.

'You are back in control, John.'

I felt weight return to me and made for the stairwell where those guards were still recovering, grabbing a small golden shield as I went. A spell flew passed my right ear and as another one came, I lifted the shield and the spell seemed to ripple off, causing a vibration in the shield and arcing off into a wall. I quickly ran over and bashed the fallen unicorn who fired the spells off, knocking him out. Turning to the stairs I decided to keep hold of my new weapon.

After enough stair climbing for a lifetime I finally reached a door. It seemed like the hinges were in fairly shitty condition so I tried kicking it a few times and it eventually fell down, leading me out to a stunning view of a city built on a mountainside, while a decadant looking castle of various shades of white, gold and purple loomed above.

'Hmpf. Canterlot has barely changed, I see. I attribute it to Celestia wallowing in the past as usual.'

Who's she? Your sister?

'Lover, actually. Until she locked me in a mountain because I grew too powerful.'

Can't relate, man. Hey, can we get off of this tower?

'I shall soften your fall. Jump.'

No fucking way.

I could hear voices from behind me and the shadow of a large unicorn with wings coming from just behind on the stairwell.

...Fuck it. I bit my lip and jumped. While flying through the air, I could see the shadow of that winged unicorn again. Turning around, I saw it flying full pelt towards me before Lavan quickly took control and let off a blast, causing the horse to veer off into a nearby building while landing me on one of the less busy pavements.

A set of guards had already formed a wall in front of me, forcing me down an alleyway, unluckily, Blue bitch came throught the wall at the same time, attempting to disable the arm that was on fire while Lavan took my right arm and gave her another more intense blast, knocking her back through the wall and causing more property damage.

I got up and started weaving through the thin alleyways, a few blasts of energy whistling past my ears while the sound of clopping hooves became dim. The ponies had accidentally put me in an advantageous position by backing me in here, as human agility allowed me to navigate the tight paths far better than my four-legged pursuers. This continued on for a few minutes before I hit a dead end.

The stampede behind me was closing in. They quickly embedded themselves forming a line...The unicorns were sat behind a wall of shields while their horns began to glow brightly.

'Damn. They are too spread out to take out at once without seriously harming them. Human, use these powers wisely, I do not have the dexterity in your form to properly use them. Just blast your way through the wall behind you. There is no doubt that you will have to fire once again as you come through to breach the next wall. Go!'

I felt a sharp sting, as if burned and then my palms lit up. Pulling softly at a seemingly new muscle, I created a small blast of fire. I turned around thrusting my arm at the wall, pulling at this new power instinctively and breaking through. I looked in and saw a pony showering, singing a happy tune as (he???) scrubbed, once the horse noticed me it screamed girlishly and threw a brush at me. I snorted, pushing through until I arrived at the next wall, blasting through and landing in front of a large white horse as I readied another blast.

Lavan sighed, 'She hasn't aged a day.' What?

Suddenly, I found myself unable to move as a zip of light hit me dead centre and caused me to lie frozen in place. The Blue Bitch landed down beside me, nudging my frozen body and pouting. "Tia, must thou always ruin our fun?" The white horse "Tia" gave her a look that promised words later, before turning to me and glaring at me with what were probably meant to be fierce purple eyes.

"Creature, you are accused of arson, assault, assaulting an on-duty officer, assaulting a princess, theft, resisting arrest, and destruction of property, what say you in your defence?"

I spoke calmly, still frozen from the neck down from her spell, I looked towards the white royal, "I'm the Thane of Whiterun!" I put on my best shit-eating grin.

She grimaced, "Get him back to the palace..." she looked to both of the guards before turning away, retracting her magical grip. Six smaller mares trotted over to her, the pink one waving to me which I happily reciprocated. It took me until now to see that two of them were actually Pegasi.

"Prin- Celestia what is that creature?" The purple one looked upwards, gauging her reaction.

Huh, this one has wings and a horn as well.

Celestia turned at me, her purple voids piercing my hazel eyes, "I do not know, Twilight." She snorted before narrowing her eyes, "But it is smart enough to outrun Luna, your brother and a contingency of the day guard, and I believe this creature to be highly dangerous." I grinned at her words, my canines showing easily. Everyone but the blue one who I assume is Luna flinched at that.

'Do not fret. Our help is just about to arrive.'

Help?

I felt a spear jab me in the back before the two guards chained my hands again. The unicorn guard on the left taking hold of it as they lead me away, the guard holding my chain winked, his eyes flicking from blue to green, I nodded as we turned a corner.

The 'guard' unchained me silently, careful not to catch the eye of the other guard. Lavan took over and the next few seconds went very fast, four seconds after a hardly noticeable click, I now stood with one hand over the mouth of a struggling pegasus, another holding a dagger by his neck, with a weird bug thing kneeling down by the guard's head.

You see, right before that rather annoying unicorn from the prison took a tumble, I was waiting in a cell. This cell was already occupied by a Changeling, smaller than the ponies, it's carapace riddled with holes. This creature told me it was capable of shifting into any form it wanted, provided it had energy. It took some convincing but the creature bought into my plan, I lured a guard into the cell he drained a bit of 'love' which they apparently feed on, he took the guard's form we stole his armour, hid his unconscious body. He made sure that he would be there to swoop in and act as the back up plan if I got caught. It seems I was right to trust him.

Ok.

"What now?" the changeling croaked as the guard stopped shifting.

"We wait until the royals move out, they're blocking the fucking gate." I whispered gesturing around the corner. The 'ling chuckled, though it sounded more like a cat dying than laughing. "What?"

"That can be easily remedied." the changeling took form as a guard again, donning the golden armour. He put on a worried face as he bolted around the corner "PRINCESSES! The creature has gotten loose of the guards again!" He shrieked, I heard their heavy hoofsteps before a smug looking royal guard trotted casually around the corner and signaled an all clear.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Smartass." I rolled my eyes at his smug little face.

Changelings have wings and horns but the wings are more membranous and their horns are jagged, both have holes in them like their bodies, in case you didn't know. Means they're more effective fighters than most ponies because they're smaller, faster, and have the benefits of flight and magic.

We passed the gates with out opposition, beginning our trek down the surprisingly short road. On the way down I could see that their was a sort of magical barrier under the city. 'half of it IS floating over the valley below so I'm guessing that keeps it up'. I'll keep that in mind for when they inevitably track me down and take me back here.

"What shall I call you, creature?" The changeling buzzed.

"'Name's John Smith, but you can just call me John, or Smithy." The changeling nodded and we continued down the mountain. "What's yours?" I ask turning to my holey companion.

"Helix." He smiled, "I have to commend you on your talents, Smithy. You escaped from one of the most heavily guarded cities on the continent within an hour of getting locked up." It took me until now to notice that whenever he says an 'S' it comes out more like a 'Z'. Also what the hell?! That place was high security? The guards were incompetent, the security was low and they put me in a cell with a shapeshifter. I mean, what kind of dumbass captures a shapeshifter, then puts it in a cage with only one idiot guard?

Horse soldiers are really stupid.

That was pretty much a dead end topic so I tried changing the subject. "Where are we going?"

"There is a settlement near the base of the mountain, it is known as Old Canterlot, just as the city above is now Canterlot," seriously? Next think you know there'll be Manechester, or Neigh York. "I would suggest against going into the town, they are rather... xenophobic, like most of Ponykind." Wow, so I'm in a country full of racist horses.

"I'm guessing you'll just stay a pony while getting food and other crap 'round the town?"

"Precisely, we can set up a camp, as I do not require sleep and the love you helped me recover should sustain me for a good few days, I can watch during the nights." I nodded in affirmation and began to get started at making a small camp, before turning around and asking a question as the Changeling burned green and shifted into a non-descript pony.

"Why are you so friendly?" He looked back at me, confused.

"You saved my life, as I most likely would have rotted away in that dungeon, this has been the fullest I've been in weeks and you helped me get that of your own free will. That, and I can sense that you are being more genuine with me than anyone else. You speak to me as an equal, despite the differences between us. That is very rare among most species, even my own." Huh, fair enough. It's funny actually, I never thought I'd find myself talking casually to a part insect, part horse, part swiss cheese creature about this kind of thing.

Scratch that, I never thought I'd talk to a part insect, part horse, part cheese creature about anything at all.

The steep, rocky mountain track we had been walking along had devolved into a grassland path. There were a few trees littering the road as it flattened out, none of them had any fruit on them though.

The small town to the east looked so much more drab than the mountain-bound city above, where Canterlot was a filled with shops, cafes and luscious green parks, Old Canterlot simply had a market in the centre of town surrounding the town hall, I could easily make out the multicolored shapes of ponies from here.

'Wait, thinking about Canterlot, how long till the royals realise I'm gone?'

-Celestia's Journal, relevant page-

"Princess, I have no recollection of taking anything back to the palace." The guard pleaded, his helmet by his side, looking down at the floor at the base of Celestia' s throne.

Princess Celestia was rather irritated, this creature could not have chosen a worse time to make a mockery of security, The Griffin kingdom had finally decided to consider opening up trade routes to Equestria, and the Minotaur council, a group of thirteen who each governed their own territory, were staying in Canterlot for new alliance talks, to help protect against the changeling hive which had shown disturbingly small movement in the last year since the failed siege of Canterlot.

That was what worried her most, Chrysalis had been too quiet, usually there would be a raid or two every month for love, usually on Appaloosa or one of the Minotaur border towns. Both the Minotaurs and the Griffins were more warrior nations and this breach of security could be perceived as weakness, which would have been catastrophic.

This creature was more troublesome than it seemed to think it was.

"You are dismissed, Clean Swipe. Oh and would you kindly tell Shining Armour to come here as soon as possible?" The guard bowed, as he donned his helmet, his fur slowly morphed from its auburn colour to a pure white, before he mumbled a 'thank you, your Highness' and walking out.

Celestia waited a moment before summoning a quill and scroll from thin air and began to write.

Dear Twilight Sparkle

The creature we encountered in Canterlot earlier today, was found to have escaped from captivity again earlier today. It is imperative that you find this creature and bring him to me as soon as equinely possible.

The hopes of peaceful transactions with the Minotaurs and Griffins hang in the balance.

Signed, your friend and former tutor

Princess Celestia

Celestia knew that she had over-dramatized the situation a bit, but that would instill urgency in her fellow princess.

The scroll disappeared in an aura of golden fire. 'Spike should receive that momentarily, in the mean time-'. A dark chuckle echoed through the hall.

Celestia sighed, before steeling herself for her least favourite Draconequus' antics.

"Well, well, well what do we have here?" Celestia grimaced, "Oh, Celly don't be like that, I was going to offer you some advice..." Discord tutted, as if he was addressing a child.

"Discord, not today, just... not today, it's been a very trying evening." Celestia pushed her ears back against her head and looked down, her hoof pressed against the space under her horn.

"Hmmph. FINE I wasn't going to say anything useful anyway!" The Draconequus appeared in a flash of light, crossing his arms before turning round and walking away. Celestia opened her mouth to reply but was promptly cut off by the Draconequus that was now in her face, "well, if you must know, that creature you've been looking for? It's of a chaotic origin, which means I can trace it," He chuckled, pointing at his chest. "But YOU can't!" He punctuated every word by poking Celestia in the snout, causing her to scrunch up her muzzle.

"Are you going to help?" Celestia looked at the God of chaos hopefully, yet with enough despair to last several millennia at the same time.

"Well, that's the thing isn't it? Tell you what, I'll give your little elements a much needed tip at convenient time." He smiled, "if, that is, you'll allow me to help out the good man himself, I'm well acquainted with his species you see," Celestia pondered this shortly, before she spoke slowly.

"Deal." Discord's smirk morphed into a mischievous smile.

-John-

I've had a very productive three hours.

Nothing is going to go wrong

I managed to set up a campfire, which I still don't know how I'm going to light, as the sun is already beyond the horizon, I have a sizable log, which I found earlier, and Helix is getting a tent.

Yep, everything's going smoothly.

The changeling was currently in the town, looking for supplies while I tried to set up a camp. I was having particular difficulty trying to light a fire.

Nothing could go wrong at all.

"Hello." A voice whispered from in front of me. Whoa something went wrong, how could I have guessed it?

I looked up and saw nothing, "Who's there!? Come out!" I tried drawing a weapon on instinct, to remember I didn't have one here. A voice carried on the wind let loose a short chuckle.

"That's a nice wallet," the voice said from behind me. I jumped up, turning around suddenly.

What I saw behind me, in the light of the moon was one of the few sights I don't think I'll ever forget.

There was... a thing, some eldritch abomination that looked like it was made of multiple animals.

Red eyes in glowing yellow sockets, a giant antler and one form from a ram, eagle talons for one hand, a lion paw for another. A thick snake-like torso with one leg hooved and another like a Velociraptor. Wings, one webbed, the other full of feathers. All the while this thing was digging around in my wallet.

It looked pretty badass, to be honest. Besides the wallet-taking part, I mean.

You know, that voice reminds of someone...

"Mix-and-match, I don't know what the hell you are, but get your paws off of my wallet. Now," he pulled his paw away from it, keeping it in the air with his talons, peeking into it, "and your talons," he levitated it, still looking inside, before pulling out my driving license with his tongue, like a frog. "First, Eww. Second, That's cheating and third, Give that back," I jumped up taking the red leather wallet from his grasp.

"John Smith? That's peculiar, you know, I used to know one of your species, oh what was his name?" He started massaging his temples, "Loki? No, that's not it. Ahh! Jean-Luc Picard! That's the one! Funny that you two have such similar first names." He slithered down, tucking the license back into my wallet. I knew that voice was familiar!

"Q?" I looked up at him inquisitively. He put a talon over my mouth. After a moment's silence he retracted it.

"They don't call me THAT anymore..." He pulled out a Mad Hatter's hat, "I am now Discord! Lord of chaos!" He summoned up some lightning from nowhere to give him that light outline, overshadowing his front. I raised an eyebrow.

He chuckled before clicking his fingers, the hat disappearing. "Not really, I'm just Discord. Anyway, since you're pretty clueless I'm going to help you out," He pointed in a direction, "Head that way, you should find a settlement called Ponyville. It's one of the nicer pony settlements that won't start a hunt when you walk into town. Your changeling friend is coming back in a minute or two," he froze before he snapped his fingers, "Oh, and by the by, give Lavan my regards. The old chap always loved to share a good bit of chaos." He snapped his fingers, disappearing into the night. I was silent for a while.

"Well, that was odd." I spoke at no one in particular.

"What was?" Helix was back.

"I just got visited by one of my favourite TV characters," I mumbled, then turned to Helix, I spoke louder, "he told me to go to Ponyville." He was by the stack of wood and leaves I used for firewood, he shot a jet of green flame, instantly lighting the fire, but instead of fire's natural red and orange colours, this one shone with a sickly green glow.

Now that's cool.

"What was his name?" He asked, I told him, "Q? Never heard of him, Discord, however..." He shivered, "He came back from his thousand year banishment about a year and a half ago. He came to the hive, turned the Changelings into cheese, then left us with a mice infestation. No one was hurt but we were starving, and we were vulnerable following that." He chuckled darkly, "can you imagine that? The Changelings, great deceivers of the wastes, brought to their knees by tiny little rodents." He said the word 'rodents' with particular venom.

I successfully stopped a laugh from breaking through, just... the thought of him running around screaming like a little girl, while being chased by a bunch of mice, oh God, that's way too funny.

"He told me at the last second that I could perform magic, what do you think that means?" I asked.

"That you can use magic?" He smiled wryly. I just gave him a deadpan stare, causing his smile to widen.

"No shit, Sherlock. I mean what kind of magic. Can you sense it?" I looked him in his teal eyes.

"No, you have no changeling magic, but I know that you could ask any adept unicorn mage, they would be able to identify it, unless it is chaos magic." He replied solemnly. Oh well, I'll just ask Lavan later.

"No worries, we'll just ask one in Ponyville." It had been a while now since the sun had gone down, as I arrived here sometime in the evening. We sat in silence for sometime, just looking into the fire.

"So..." I looked at Helix, "What is it like being a changeling?"

He took sometime to think, "Do you want my specific answer? Or the biological one?

"Specific." He grimaced.

"I abhore it, I am nearly always hungry, I am always tired, but not enough to sleep, I am always angry, but not enough to lash out. Emotions are a rare resource, one that is rarely given for free." He sighed.

"Changeling society, however, is a different story. We are divided into castes, Drones at the bottom, Hive King or Queen at the top, although a hive king has not been seen for a long, long time." He took a deep breath as I listened intently, "drones are workers, building outposts, tearing them down again. Above the drones are our military units, the Reavers, Reavers are slightly smarter than Drones, and are much better equipped, their hooves have jagged bottoms to them, making them useful for climbing, or more useful as melee weapons, their teeth are sharper, and use a siphon that can drain a litre of blood within five seconds, if the right spot is bitten, they can also inject poison through their bites, they are capable of producing a heavy anaesthetic, as well as a fast-acting aphrodisiac." 'Fucking hell, they might as well give them acid blood and a spiked tail, then you can call them a damned Xenomorph', "They are harder to breed than drones though," staring at the look of shock on my face, he continues, "Next up are the Sapients" he patted his chest with a hoof, "of which I am from, we make up the majority population, and are given rights to build, trade and generally do what we please," his expression darkened, "Before Chrysalis came to power, that is. Second to the top are the Hive Minds, of which there used to be thirteen, they would oversee any and all military operations by commanding Reavers and Drones from afar, until they were instructed by that, buffoon, Chrysalis, to attack Canterlot, but they all refused to command the assault."

I could see the hatred burning through his eyes, "She killed them. All of them. I was in the room when it happened. I was a guard you see, and was stood by one of the Hive Mind's side, and I had to watch the one I protected get torn apart." He shuffled uncomfortably. "That waste, that murderous traitor. She took control of the hive on her own, and she was arrogant enough to think that SHE was capable of beating them with no assistance but Drones and Sapients, then punished us by taking away the public access to the love reserves. She didn't care about any of them, you know. When the Changelings that survived Canterlot were so overflowing with love that they began to pop," My jaw dropped, "she simply walked past them as they cried out for their 'benevolent leader' to save them."

If that isn't motivation to kill her then I don't know what is, "You want her dead, don't you?" He nodded, growling at the idiotic question.

"She deserves more than death for what she did to us." Helix stamped the ground, creating a small fissure in the earth.

When I suddenly backed up from the log Helix let loose a long drawn-out sigh, "Goodnight," he mumbled, before turning away.

"Night."

-John, the next morning, the camp-

I awoke to the beautiful sounds of nature, birds chirping a nice cool breeze...

And Helix kicking me lightly in the side of the head. "Alright, alright, I'm up, you abusive bughorse."

Helix yawned, although it sounded more like a buzz, "We are going to Ponyville earlier than I thought," he pointed towards The base of the mountain, I could see some golden and white dots, trotting in formation. 'More guards.' I stamped out the last few embers of the emerald flame quickly, I took some of the bags of supplies Helix got from Old Canterlot yesterday. "I have packed up the tent, we should embark quickly, unless you wish to be back in guard custody." He began trotting briskly, carrying things in a saddlebags I assumed he procured last night, I followed, albeit at a slightly slower pace. Suddenly he took up the conversation we had last night again. "I am still unsure of what you actually are, John. I have entrusted you with knowledge of my species, so it is only fair for you do so with yours."

"I am a human. Where I come from, I'm pretty average, physically, so you can imagine me as a base point. There aren't castes like there are with your species in any part of the world, but some people aren't too happy if your skin colour is different from theirs. We're mammals, and are descended from Apes or Chimps. We are the dominant species on the planet.

"How so?" He asked. Exactly the question I wanted.

"A mixture of Intelligence, the correct evolutionary traits, and a general thirst for adventure and discovery. Not to say we're perfect in sny sense of the word. We've got problems. Terrorism, poverty in some places, war being the cause of most of it. But we're getting better. At least that's what I think."

We were quiet for a very long time after that.

Chapter VI: When Did My Life Become So Insane?

Most of my days at Canterlot Castle came down to the same bullshit as yesterday: Wake up, talk to Lavan, go out with Moonflower, get questioned by Twilight, spend some time with her learning abut magic. Steal Luna's illusion books, read them, then go to sleep.

The next actual noteworthy event of my stay happened on the twentieth day, eleven days before I was released from my punishment. It was an average morning, Lavan and I were doing stupid shit as usual.

'HEY I'M GRUMP!'

I'M NOT SO GRUMP!

'AND WE'RE THE GAME GRUMPS!' We shouted in unison.

*clunk* *clunk* *clunk*

You hear that?

'Yep. Sounds like armoured hooves, be prepared for some imminent bullshit.' I prepared myself for some imminent bullshit.

"HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!" As the guards' half-drone, half shout slowly became louder, I went to investigate. As I reached the door, a stampede of armoured ponies slammed the door open and began storming into my room, filling up the floor like a gushing river of ~~Jarheads~~ water. They either paid no mind that they were walking over me or took enjoyment in my pain. The forces were a mixed group of day and night, each filling up any open space.

'Well then.' This is interesting.

Where the hell did these guards come from?

'Your mum's house.'

Screw you.

'Your mum already did.'

With a dildo.

'Are we going to get up or not?' Lavan is so sassy today.

Throwing off the guard pony that had decided to stand right on top of me, I stood up,to find that the guard factions had formed two groups on each side of the room, Moonflower, who was smiling rather happily at me apong with a grey old stallion were at the front of each group, as they were the Captains. The Celestial princesses, however, were stood by the door, along with a half awake Twilight sandwiched in between them. She waved lightly, before taking a sip of what looked like coffee from the mug she held in her magical grasp.

"Good morning, Human." I didn't even have to look to know who that was.

"Question: Why the fuck is the entire royal guard in my room at-" I looked towards the old grandfather clock, "9' in the morning?"

"You appear to not respect your princesses and so, by royal decree, we are inducting you into the royal guard as an extension of your punishment."

"Seriously, what kinda fuckass bullshit is this?" A quick nod from the eldest sister was all I needed to confirm it. Lavan, your thoughts?

'I'd pick Luna, honestly. You already have Moonflower as a friend, and she can probably convince the night guard that you aren't nearly as much of a dick than you act around the princesses.'

I'd prefer to do neither to be honest, this just seems like some bullshit arc where I do stupid shit for no reason.

'Same story with living in Equestria. You were dumb enough to stay here, so now you're gonna be made useful.

Yeah, but both of them will try to make the next week and a half as hellish as possible.

'So many choices...'

Two is quite a lot for you.

'Oh, I'm sorry, who was it who failed their further mathematics modules?' Oh damn, he went there.

Yeah but I passed all three sciences and the base maths ones, dickhead.

"John?" I heard Celestia through Lavan's blathering. I snapped out of my rather heated argument (heh, get it, because he's a deranged pyromaniac?) with Lavan.

"Scuse me? I phased out for a second there." The two princesses rolled their eyes. In the back of my head, I heard Lavan mumble something under his breath, probably telling me he wasn't obsessed with fire, which is a complete lie on his part.

"Your choice, Human?" She forgets, but I will smack a bitch if she doesn't fuck off. I had a small moment of realisation before pointing at my chosen princess.

"Twilight." Everyone gasped, princesses included, while Moonflower scrunched up her face at my choice.

'DUN, DUN, DUNNNN!'

Great sound effects, mate.

'I try.'

"Twilight has her own guard, doesn't she?" Both sisters looked between themselves.

"Well..." Celestia laughed nervously.

"We may have... forgotten to establish a guard force for our newest princess." Smooth, princess. Real smooth. If I wasn't in the prescence of about fifty guards who wanted a reason to beat the living stuffings out of me, I would've given the princesses my most sarcastic and annoying slow clap. A slow clap I have trained to do since I was six. The technique of my people, passed down fro-

'We get it, you're a sarcastic prick who can act like an asshole.'

Well thanks for spoiling the mood there.

Twilight dropped the mug in her shock, which cracked and spilled over the shiny marble floor, barely missing the book I had used as a door stop when it got too hot.

'Lucky too. She would've had a right fit if that stained it.'

Too right. Imagining an angry Twilight is not a pleasant mental image, especially when you know she has the magical ability to turn you into a potted plant. (It's a really weird story, don't ask about it.)

"So? I'll just be the captain, right Twi?" I mouthed a 'please, just go with it.'

"Umm...I'm not too sure I'm alright with having my own guards. I don't really..." She caught my glare, "Think it's too far-fetched for me to try it, though!" She caught herself, causing me to release the breath I had been unwittinglying holding.

'You are so persuasive.'

"So it's settled! I'm in Twilight's guard." I ignored Lavan's little comment. Moonflower was blushing slightly, giving me a glare that could only be matched by a Gorgon, or maybe a bitter old English teacher.

'She mad.'

Indeed. There's not much I can do about it, though.

'Except change back to the Lunar guard.

I know, but- Oi! Stop trying to cause more inner conflict, you bring enough of it just by sitting around.

I could see from here that Moonflower was talking to the two princesses quietly, receiving a nod as Celestia waved over the other captain.

I've got a bad feeling about this...

'Likewise.'

Celestia spoke up, "John, the Captains here have brought up a good point. As you are inexperienced in the management, protocols and oaths a guard captain takes, one of them shall tutor you. You have a choice, Captain Moonflower or Captain Swift?

"Moonflower." So this other bloke is the one who's in charge of the pricks who never let me go anywhere.

"It is settled, then. Today marks the formation of the..." Luna began, before looking at the younger princess.

''Arcane' has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

I closed in on Twilight before whispering the idea to her.

"The spellcunts." I said.

"No. Watch your language." Celestia chastised me.

"Horny Mofos?" I suggested.

"I am not above spanking you."

'Not gonna lie, that's kinda hot.'

What the fuck is wrong with you?

"Fine. What about The Arcane Guard?"

Both of the princesses were sufficiently satisfied with that.

"You will be given a badge of office, and armour when we have them forged, future Captain of the Arcane Guard."

'If this is how they pick their guard captains, no wonder the military is such a mess'

I know, right? There wasn't even any paperwork.

"Now to the paperwork." Celestia continued. Lavan began laughing at my misfortune.

'You retard, you just jinxed yourself so bad.

I then did my best Vader impression, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~" The castle walls echoed with my sorrow.

As my shouting continued, Twilight slid me along in her magic, I was still letting out all of my no's, so I didn't realise we had gone anywhere until I was at the chair, with the paperwork in front of me.

"~OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- Ow, that hurt!" One of the guards who had accompanied Twilight knocked me over the head with the butt of a spear. He shrugged.

And so, stocked with knowledge of my new profession, and a heavy heart, I did the paperwork concerning running an entirely new part of the military.

It took fucking AGEEEEEEES!

'I can confirm this.'

Also why the fuck am I the one who HAD to do this? These people don't know me well enough to trust me with this. Eh, doesn't matter in the short term. All I want is to get out of Canterlot.

Then, for some reason I had to do exercise.

'Fat ass.'

It didn't help that the only decent company I had was Moon, who was rather pissed off at me.

"ALRIGHT MAGGOT! YOU ARE HERE TO PUT SOME MEAT ON YOUR SKINNY LITTLE TWIGS!" Of course they have drill sergeants, why wouldn't they? "GET TO IT, CHIMP! TIME'S A' WASTIN'!"

"Push up number hundred and ninety-eight!" I told myself, muscles straining as I pushed against the mud beneath me.

"Push up number hundred and ninety-nine!" Almost there.

"PUSH UP TWO HUNDRED! FUCK YEAH!"

'You've only done five.'

Shut up, Lavan! You're just jealous because I'm so good at pumping iron!

'...But you were doing push-ups...'

I don't give a...

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? GET GOING ON A PERIMETER OF THE CASTLE!" Oh cool, something I can do.

I ran the entire perimeter in about ten minutes. I was tired as your mum was after I did her last night when I'd finished. Good time to mention I used to run cross-country. Nothing professional, just happened to have the right build for it and aside from gaming, I pretty much had nothing to do for a good few years.

When I got back to the guard training ground, which is made muddy, purely to take the mickey. They actually have to create rainstorms over that area, with the pure intent of making it abysmal.

"John." That's Moon, although she doesn't really sound pissed. "Walk with me."

'I find it amusing that you haven't seen it yet.'

That I haven't seen what?

'You'll need to figure it out, but it'll take a while to get it into your rather thick skull, I wager.' Cryptic douche-bag.

"What it is it, then? I don't think you'd pull me away from hot, sweaty manual labor for nothing." I'd caught her taking a look or two, mainly when I was exercising.

She blushed angrily, shoving me. "I can talk to Luna. Hell, I'll even put you on low patrols, just..." She sighed. "I enjoy having you around. Most of the guards are too scared of getting in trouble to actually hang out with me."

"I've already joined Twilight's guard, are you really sure that your subordinates are that scared of you.?" Lavan groaned in the background

That threw her off guard. "But, you're fun to be around, and I don't want you to go, I guess." We've known each other for barely a fortnight, and she's already trying to stop me from leaving. Do ponies build up relationships faster then?

"Moon, Luna will be a complete hag to me when ever she orders me to do something, she'salright in general, but I'd go fucking insane if I was forced to do work for her. Twilight is a friend, and she isn't going to tolerate a bunch of armoured racist ponies who, being entirely honest, dislike me as much as I do." Twilight is too cool to screw me over.

"Just- I don't want you to- Grr!" she lost her words, resulting in one angry look and a growl before she flew up into the air, creating a moment of gale force winds from lifting off, knocking me on my ass.

I spent a while just sat there before Lavan spoke up.

'Mares be crazy, man.'

It really do be like that sometimes.

Lavan nodded solemnly. 'It really do.' he weeped for the never ending cruelty of this world.

Pfft, Drama Queen.

'What remained of me imprinted on your brain, which means you're also a Drama Queen.'

No one careeeees!

'Fine! I guess I'll just sit here and wallow in my misery.'

Yeah! You better wallow!

The moon was crawling up the horizon as Lavan and I talked the evening away, laughing, talking and generally taking the piss out of each other constantly.

Good times. Good times which, sadly, came to an end rather quickly, because of some night guards who were to escort me to my room for no reason.

My badge (the weapon created for me) and my Captain's armour was ready for me the next day, I had high hopes paticlarly high hopes about the armour though. Early next morning I was being led by Twilight, along with the guy who was meant to be royal blacksmith, as well as a magus, which Twilight told me was some big wig at a unicorn magic academy.

We passed corridor after corridor, my anticipation growing with each step. The door to the armoury was emblazoned with an eclipse, backed by two swords arranged in a cross, and a golden shield. Hype, Hype, Hype.

The relatively large gateway to my new uniform was closed. With a flick of magic from the magus following us, we were given our entrance.

Ho. Lee. Fuck. That armour.

The breastplate looked like a leather cuirass but with dark purple robes coming from the bottom. There was a black and gold version of Twilight's mark emblazoned on the hips of the cloth. I could see various glowing runes from under the actual cloth, and a unicorn was drawing more into them on the bottom as I approached.

The weapon wasn't to be seen, however.

"Do I get a weapon?" That unintentionally sounded really unthankful.

"That's unveiled at the official induction ceremony. We still have to get through all the papers involving creating a new guard force." I can see why that would take a while.

A sword would be pretty cool.

'Why are you so 'okay' with all of this? If I was being drafted into Equestrian military I'd disagree. Rather violently, if the old me was still in charge.'

What the fuck can I do? I'm on my third strike with everyone except Twilight and Moonflower. Luna dislikes me greatly.

' I'm pretty sure you just mean 'Luna hates you'.'

I don't think she's at the point of hatred yet. Where was I? Ah, now i remember: Celestia doesn't trust me. Hell, the only reason I'm not on the third strike with Moon is because I pissed her off so badly she went all the way to strike three and beyond.

'That is true.'

The spirit huffed lazily, similar to how I used to when I was in my mid-teens. Oh, wait... Oh no.

Lavan's sassiness, the mood swings, the bad insults. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE.

He's becoming teenage John.

Lavan, what have you been doing in my brain?

'I've only eaten a few hormones you don't need anymore. That's about it. ohhhhh, now you fucked up!

Lavan, are you a fucking mug? You DO realise what you've done, right? You're going to devolve back to a teenage me!

Lavan gasped, before yelling out in pain.

'...John. HELP. ME. AAAAGHHHHH...' Lavan cried out, his voice cracking as he did so.

Oh no! The transformation has already begun! Hang in there!

'Gah... Tell my girlfriend... she's a bitch...'

Wait, you have a girlfriend?

'Celestia is into some some kinky shit...' Wait. WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF...

"Captain!" A voice jarred me out of Lavan's last moments. "Were you listening to anything I just said?"

I shook myself trying to fight off any lighting tiredness from getting up this early. "Sorry, I've just been a bit.." I clicked my fingers a few times, trying to call forth the right words. "...out of it,"

"Well, yes. Let me repeat myself then. I am Hedwig, current arch battle-magus of the Unicornian Institute of magic. We've partnered with the Canterlot military academy as well as Celestia's school for the gifted in producing new recruits."

That's a nice name you've got there... "Princess Twilight has authorised that you are to be sent new warlock, battle-magus, and field-medic recruits." He levitated a scroll from somewhere. "This is the first set for recruits. There are sixty of them, each of them have been presented by name, magical capabilities, and are already sorted into fire teams. Expect this batch to come in about three months, from then on, every four months a group of roughly fifty to seventy will be added to the ranks." He droned.

He seemed rather boring for a guy that shares a name with the coolest Owl.

"Sure thing, Jeff." He was quite annoyed by that.

"My name is not 'Jeff', it is Hedwig." I waved him off before Twilight started talking.

Lavan's screams halted. I could almost feel him get edgier, more immature and depressed.

'Wuh? What happened? Where am I? those were teen-John/Lavan's first words.

You're in your own ADULT head.

'Woah, dude. That's creepy.' I used to sound scarily similar to Spike.

I know, right? Technically you're actually a copy of my teenage self inside of a destruction spirit.

'Lel wut?'

We're also so far into the future, Humans are extinct and there are several new species who rule the planet, including Unicorns and Dragons. Now that I think about it, I could have explained that better to the adolescent version of myself.

'...That must've been some really fucking good weed to cause this kind of lucidity.'

It's lucid because it's REAL, YOU BASKET CASE!

'Mad, you are. Calm down, you should.'

I remember this. I used to pull this routine on all the kids who annoyed me, get them angry, then tell them to calm down, or do the Yoda voice.

The Yoda voice is surprisingly effective.

Stop. Being. Yoda. You weren't funny back when I was you, and to be honest you still aren't.

'Lighten up, you must. Get a girlfriend, you will not.' I was actually pretty good at a Yoda impression, believe it or not.

It's too early for me to get into a relationship with ponies. They are kinda cute though.

'I bet if you stare at their asses for long enough, they'll look more Human.'

I don't remember being such a pervert back then...

'Wash out your filthy mind, dude. You're having at least three different fantasies in here about having sex with the horses.' he faked a disgusted tone before making a gagging noise.

No I don't!

'Uh, Bro. Yes there is, I'm in here, so I've even got access to all of your fetishes.

I swear to God... No wonder I had no friends back then, I was annoying as fuck.

'Oh, noice, I found your internal wank bank. Teen-John snickered.

I fucking hate myself.

'Why you have to be mad? Is only game.' Bizzare Russian accent is bizarre.

I then noticed that Twilight was staring at me.

Along with everyone else in the room.

"Hi... " It was at this moment I realised I had fucked up. "...Bye!"

I booked it back to the room, as fast as my skinny twigs could carry me. So not that fast.

Damn it, Lavan. You and your stupid eating habits. Bringing back my past demons.

'Remember back when you liked Sonic? You're too slow, YOU'RE TOO SLOW!'

I'm tempted to just slit my throat now and be done with this fucker.

'Aww, where's the fun in that?' He giggled.

I don't have to talk to teenage me anymore.

There was a strange sensation in my head as Lavan took back control from teen-John.

'Testing, testing. One, two, three. John? You there?'

LAVAN, YOU'RE BACK IN CONTROL!

'...For now.

What.

'I have to purge myself of the hormones. It'll take a while but Teen you will be gone, until then, he'll be the one talking to you. OKSEEYOUBYE!' and I was left with my younger self again.

Ok, good. Lavan's on the job... and not dead, might I add.

'This has been one long high, man.'

I'm not even going to argue.

Looking towards the sky, the sun had just hit it's climax, at midday.

I still have a few hours I need to galvanise. To Luna's spell books!

Over the last few days I've been solely focusing on illusion, Twilight wasn't particularly familiar with it, but could still do a few wards and such. I, on the other hand, have become very good with it.

Two days ago, I recreated London from the base of Big Ben. There were a few gaps I had to fill in with ambiguous buildings, but it was a clever trick nonetheless. I've only had these for about a week and a half, mind you. Illusion is OP, if you think about it. Once I know how to project realistic illusions onto the minds of others, I could pracially rule the world, if I was good enough to fool the princesses.

Which I don't want to. I don't want to rule the world. Too much work involved.

Celly, please don't turn me to stone if you read this, I'd really appreciate it.

'I'm the only one here who gets stoned anyway.'

Was I really that addicted? I sure as hell don't remember having weed more than three times in my life.

'No, I'm just making the best out of my time here, and that means making you hate me.'

Lavan better hurry his ass up, or I'm gonna test if I can forcefully eject him.

'Sounds kinky.'

Without Lavan, Moonflower or Twilight for anything, I found myself becoming very bored, very fast. Teen John was still with me as a guard informed me of Celestia's usual dinner invitation, which I took up easily.

One of the whole perks of this 'Captain' crap, was that guards couldn't disobey me. It was fun finding the guards who usually stopped me at the door fuming as I gave them extra duty under the'Authority of Princess Celestia'.

I didn't actually get her permission, but that just made it funnier once they realised they didn't really have to do those patrols the following morning. I had to wait a week before Lavan finally managed to destroy teen-John, the little shit. He knew he had fucked up, so Lavan huffed a 'Sorry, won't happen again.' before reverting to his regular demeanour.

For the last two weeks I had been focusing on illusion, which was getting really tedious, so I swapped back to pyromancy, with mixed results...

'No! No! Stop, you're doing it wrong! Lavan berated.

...Mainly, pissing off a spirit.

So what do you suppose I do, jackass?

'Pyromancy is not about focus, you aren't an aquamancer. Manipulating fire has a lot more to do with emotion than it does technique. Back in my day...'

Oh, here we go.

'...when I was burning down towns and forests, I focused on hate. Hate is a double-edged sword when it comes to most magic anyway, but Pyromancy takes it to an entirely new level. Corruption is easy, but if you have a goal... a base, if you will. Then you will be grounded by it. It's one of the reasons which gets most high level mages take partners, even if they don't want children.' Cool story, Bro.

So this affects me how...?

The spirit groaned before I heard something vaguely similar to a facepalm. 'Focus on people, things, something you either love or hate. It helps drastically.

I focused. The effects were nearly immediate, I felt my magic get easier to control, and there was a hell of a lot more of it at my disposal, the flame coming from my hand became more fierce, as if there was some ethereal wind whipping it about.

This is kind of OP...

'Yes it is, John. Yes it is.' I swear I could feel Lavan smile.

We were interrupted by Twilight opening the door into the tower/library/room/ i don't even know what to call it anymore.

"Hi, John! Oh, looks like you finally figured out the theory behind your fire magic, then?" Wait the flame was just normal... OH MY GOD, MY ARM'S ON FIRE!

I didn't notice the flame because of my heat resistance ability, while the right arm of my shirt was completely burned off, slowly taking the chest area with it. Now, pay mind to the fact like that despite it not affecting me at all, I was still on fire.

"WATER! WATER! A BUCKET, A BATH! ANYTHING!" I was running around like a headless chicken while Twilight desperately tried to calm me down.

'JUST ABSORB THE FIRE BACK IN, YOU IDIOT!'

TOO BUSY PANICKING! Twilight was in hysterics now, both of us just screaming as I shook my arm up and down trying to stop the burning. "AAAAGHHHHH!" Twilight and I yelled in unison. Throwing the door open, I all but dived into the sink, running water over the flames which at this point had destroyed my entire shirt.

'Are you done fishing for brown eels? Lavan quipped, suppressing a laugh.

Then I realised: 'my arm is in a fucking toilet.' I promptly pulled my piss-water soaked arm from the porcelain throne, looming over it. I just stared for a few seconds at the contents.

Two Showers. One for the body, and one for the mind.

Two shitty showers later, (See what I did there?) Twilight seemed rather catatonic, shaking as she blushed rather cutely under the half-cover of her wings.

"John?"

"You alright Twi? You seem, umm..." To be honest the blushing and shaking confused me. I wasn't sure Hethersett he was scared, embarrassed or both.

"I, when you were in the shower, you let the door open... I-I saw your reproductive organ, it's perfectly natural. I mean, not to say that it's perfectly natural for me to stare, just that its perfectly natural for you to take it out when you're washing yourself." She let out a torrent of words, mumbling while her face turned flushed, the fur on her face going a deeper pink than I believed was possible. I'd never say it to her face, but she looks adorable when she's embarrassed.

My mouth gaped. What do you SAY to that? She didn't even give me feedback...

"I'm just going to go now." The Princess of Magic left the room, ruffling her feathers and swishing her tail all the while. "Bye!"

"Bye..." I was still somewhat stunned.

'That was awkward, yet funny as hell at the same time.'

I stayed quiet, contemplating about how my life got this weird.

'Twilight and Johnny, sitting in a tree, B-A-N-G-I-'

NO!

'Aww, I shipped you two as well. Could you reconsider?'

Maybe. If you're lucky.

'Well, until then, I'll project images of her flanks into your mind.'

Shut up... I need to think.

Lavan sniffled, 'Why do I get into these downright abusive relationships? Celestia turned me to stone... You tell me to be quiet... Maybe I should go on strike?'

How can you go on strike?

'I'll stop talking to you.'

Really? The silent treatment?

'...'

Great, now he's gone. Not like I needed him anyway.

'...'

Five days till my stay at the castle is finished.

Lavan is still quiet; Moonflower, despite her temporary job tutoring me about this whone guard ordeal, won't look at me for more than five seconds without getting annoyed; Twilight's back in Ponyville and Helix hasn't sent me a letter, or message of any kind.

I'm REALLY bored. Bored enough to start giving exposition about the world to both unknowledgable ponies, and Humans. I might as well ask Celestia for that trip to 'Eagleland', seriously, that's what the UK is now. It's capital is Talondon.

That's just a piss-take. Guess what else there is? Here are some renamed cities from Equestria alone: Fillydelphia, Las Pegasus, Chicagoat, Detrot, Neigh Orleans and New Pork. (New Pork and Chicagoat were founded by the species they sound lIke they were founded by.)

There's gotta be some influence on these names. No one just correctly chooses puns for their major cities and their countries. Not unless there is some temporal feedback from the past, influencing them.

The Geography of Earth is completely screwed: Mexicolt? (Mexico), Iram? (Iran and Iraq mashed together), Prance? (France). The list goes on.

Just what the fuck did Humans do to the world before we died out? Nuke each other? Get destroyed by Aliens? Find an uncurable Super-virus? Did we just leave the planet?

Did they create the new species'?

I need to know! If there's a way to stop the bad shit, I'll figure it out.

If there's one thing I'll do before I die. I'll save Humanity or find a way to go with them.

I looked down at Canterlot.

...Maybe even if it means Equestria never happens.

Author's Note

I feel like I need to tone down on the humor a bit...

At some point I want to actually have a viable story, not just a book of shit's n' giggles. In order to remedy that, I'm ending on something a bit more serious than usual.

Meanwhile...

*Looks in corner of room*

Romance tag? I see you hiding there. The question is: Should I use you?

Chapter XVII Alt scene: Is this a...?

...I had to get outside and absorb some heat. It was still somewhat damp here, making it hard to extract any energy. My attempt to retreat had her chase after me, Helix was too slow to catch up without his wings so she bit me in the right foot. I yanked my foot free, one of her fangs got pulled off as well. The weak bodies that whoever revived them had conjured weren't helping her in the slightest. I yanked it out, throwing it to the side as Helix held her down. A couple moments was all I needed to charge myself.

"Thats it, I've won!" She shouted out. Looking back at the spot where Helix lay, she gasped.

I was cradling Helix, his head in my lap. Putting his head down, I spoke calmly. "Helix. Your resolve is shining on the path, even brighter than Celestia's sun." I stood up, scowling at the weakened queen. "And it's shining on the path... that we're meant to take!"

"NANI!?" She spontaneously combusted, leaving the cave in silence as I asserted my dominance by dancing over her ashes.

Author's Note

You know I had to do it to 'em.

I've been watching way too much anime.