A Second Chance to the Sun
A Second Chance to the Sun
chapter 1
It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen a sun like that. I gazed out of my fourth story apartment building window looking past the cityscape. It’s been hard for me to notice it lately. The sky has always seemed to have a sort of grayish shade over it. Sort of like a blanket creating an enveloping cage around the sky. Now I felt as though I was bathing in the glistening yellow light of this mesmerizing heated ball of gas. It truly was one of the first times in probably months that I have even given the sky a chance to gaze upon it. The only thing that was stopping me from continuing my bliss was the constant and repetitive beeping in the back of my head. Unfortunately, however, it wasn’t in the back of my head, it was on my crappy little Ikea table to the left of me. I looked over only to see my digital alarm clock blaring constant noise at a painfully obnoxious volume.
Ever had one of those amazing feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night and realize you still have more hours to sleep before getting up? Well it wasn’t one of those times. In fact it was the complete opposite. I read the sharply pointed angles of the digital numbers on my alarm clock only to see that it was in fact 7 o’clock and that I had little or no time to get ready for work. It’s pretty, hard especially considering it’s a Monday morning. After my body finally adjusted to see what was going on, I looked around and saw that my warm bliss I once had was completely gone and now all I had was a stale and cold feeling of this shitty apartment. Of course paying very little rent was great, but it leaves you with watermarks, cracks, stains, and a very repulsive smell that fills the air. Being confined in a 2 room apartment is almost as bad as a jail cell; only difference is that you have the choice to leave. I just never made that choice.
I draped my legs and feet over the side of my rotted bed to touch the icy cold floorboards underneath which, in turn, shot shivers down my spine. Waking up can be hard, but getting up is even harder. Once I balanced myself, I continued to walk away from my bed, which felt impossible, as if slumber was literally pulling me back. Not to mention tripping over small things on the ground, such as an underused weight set and the protruding nail heads. This left me with my foot in pain and the extreme urge to pee, just like every morning. I wish the pain would go away as if it was a dream. I have been having a lot of those lately and I’m still trying to determine whether or not I like them. They seem to make me think of the worst of times, yet I also end up finding joy towards the ends. Once they’re finished however I only wish to go back because I’m left in the same place that I rested my head 8 hours before.
Making my way to the bathroom I stopped, looked at myself in the mirror and immediately away to not feel a false sense of comfort as if another person was with me. It’s not that I think I’m ugly or anything, actually I think I’m not that bad looking. Well at least not for being a 24 year old college dropout with no real sense of hygiene, five o’clock shadow and a slender complexion. Of course I then proceeded to use the bathroom while looking at the shower as if it was begging for me to get it. Under my own circumstances however I blocked out the need to do so. Money was tight and the water bill can’t get any higher.
After doing my business I realized that what has now left me, I now want something in me. It seemed pretty hard to miss because of the increasing volume from the gurgling in my stomach. Upon Opening up the fridge of course I see my failure to buy groceries. In a way this didn’t really shock me because this started to become the normal. Only thing that was in there was a few beers, an empty egg carton, and spoiled milk. It’s unfortunate that yesterday’s dinner was what I could steal from my office wreck room. I don’t think the other employees have realized who has been stealing their lunches yet, and I hope to keep it that way. Thankfully the business of which I worked for didn’t really have a formal dress code. Of course it couldn’t be too casual so yes, I did have to wear a collared white button up shirt and that miserable tie which strangles me every day. I really hate it, clothes don’t really work all that well for me it seems. Wearing a monkey suit really bugs me and makes me feel…well, confined.
My closet did contain the necessary requirements for the average work day, but I only had one. I did normally get a few weird stares from wearing the same thing every day, but it wasn’t too bad. I had little respect for me or my fellow employees, or anyone in general it seems especially my boss. I think my first flounder was dropping out. School just wasn’t my thing and all I wanted was a free ride. Turns out what they did teach was that yes, the real world is a heartless place. Well more of a heartless shithole, with others who think that they are better than you, and you always get let down. I see this most of them time at the office. You really truly do not experience hell until you sit in a cubicle for almost 9 hours doing the same repetition over and over again with others who hate you and that heartless dick in the big room down the hall from my workspace.
I had almost completely forgotten about daytime until I stepped out of the lobby and out into the world once again for an exciting day of being me. I’d also like to mention that was “sarcasm”. Now the sudden realization that God truly hates you is when you expect nothing and get the smallest amounts of pain. These build up over time and I just happen to notice this again when a cold splash was felt on the top of my head. I reached up and looked at my fingers in front of my face to see the white feces of the city pigeon. I’m just going to have to ignore it I told myself. Well I wiped it off and began my trek towards the sixty stories building which held my tight square. The streets feel like my apartment, you know cracked, wet, and cold. I couldn’t afford a car, well at least not after I crashed my last one from drinking a few after a party. Its feels kind of weird to when I think about it, I never go to parties anymore. Well not with friends anyway. I “crashed” the last party at some high school kid’s house whose parents were away for the weekend. I thought I would be the coolest guy there and actually I was a total light weight loser who could only handle a couple beers and end up slamming his jeep into a pole which brings me back to standing at a bus stop waiting. The bus became my only mode of transportation. It’s not so bad once you get used to it really. Sure every once in awhile you end up with a hobo sleeping on your shoulder, but still.
We, or should I say I made it a block from my building. The bus finally stopped and I pushed aside the others who were just as unfortunate to have to get from one destination to another this way. After getting out I made my way past the abstract office art in the middle of the walkway and tacky plants scaling the garden walls. Really the only thing blander than the outside world right now was the gray two toned wall paint inside of this place. Not only was that but everything just too…bland. Every day I receive either the same blank stare from the secretary who I still have yet to get the name of. I walked over and pressed the elevator door button. Whenever I go up in the elevator I feel as if it taking me out of here to somewhere else, maybe a better place, only to be greeted by a short man tapping his foot angrily at me.
“Where have you been?” He said
“I was late…okay”
“No! This is your ninth time being late this month, I’m sick of it”
“Mr. Peterson, how do you expect me to get here on time when I don’t have a car and I can’t walk that far?”
“Well that’s not my problem now is it? See me after your shift today than we will discuss this.”
“I’d like to discuss this now as it seems to be the problem at hand.”
“Oh no you have PLENTY of problems I or should I say YOU need to deal with right now!”
I angrily shook my head and proceeded down a hall which felt like a death sentence. This wasn’t the first time this happened. We get into arguments just about every time I show up. They have only progressively been getting worse. He makes me want to crush his tiny little head in between the palms of my hands. I just have to draw away my anger from him into something else I guess. Just build all the stress of my life into the tumor that I’m sure is growing inside of my skull. I turned the corner to see my desk once again. The small crowded plastic table and a extremely old 2002 monitor screen and given the office essentials such as rubber bands, paper clips, thumb tacks, pens, a stapler, etc. Everything was out of place as usual. They can’t seem to afford new things anymore. Not like they ever did. I sat in an ugly rotating chair with cut leather to see a high stack of papers which I was meant to be filling out. You really don’t feel alone until you’re in a 4 foot by 5 foot square with claustrophobia sinking into your thoughts. Except there was one little thing that I loved and it was sitting on my desk; it was a small McDonald’s toy, probably only two to three inches tall. No one saw it because I hid it underneath work supplies. It was a tiny Rainbow Dash. It seems ridiculous but I loved the show My little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I follow an online group which I use my home laptop for called bronies. One bill I did pay for was Internet. It slowly became a necessity. It’s a love for all things My Little Pony normally around the fourth generation. Yes, it seems stupid, but it really isn’t. Kind of hard to see older men and woman watch a show that was intended for young girls, but it’s not what you would think. It has brought me a whole new level of happiness like I have never experienced before and makes me feel as if everything is going to be alright in the world. When I first found it I kind of thought it was stupid and immature, but being open minded I decided to give it a chance. I watched the first episode, than the second, than the third, and I soon got lost into this cartoon. Every time I watched it I felt like I was being transported into this new world and I could adventure off and learn about the characters and their personalities. Not only the show, but the fandom; It turns out there were plenty others like me who enjoyed the show. Soon it completely enveloped me and I began to read the fan fictions, buy the toys, and I even got into the “Darker” side of the show, which contained things you wished you could un see. None the less it’s my only real passion and love anymore, there is only one thing that is wrong with it though and it’s that I always have to return back to this unfulfillable world. I hate it and now we have just finished the next season so I have to wait six months before the next episode which is very disappointing. When I return to this world again I just feel angry and unsatisfied, mostly however is at my job. It’s true I have felt like blowing this place sky high, but I don’t know if I could pull myself to do it. Its way too hard I feel like the consequences might become too immense. Then I kept thinking. Thinking of what I’ve missed and what I could have accomplished. IT MADE ME ANGRY. I was angry at the world, at my job, and at myself. Destroying something would have been nice right about now. With that thought again lingering in my mind I looked towards my stack of papers and knocked the whole thing down. I felt good, too good. My energy began to build just as much as my blood began to boil. I may have gotten over excited, but it feels great to throw a computer monitor 10 feet over my head breaking a fax machine. Of course this was REALLY loud and I ended up causing quiet and audience staring me down.
“Now or never” I said
I rushed down the hall into my bosses office slamming the doors opens. Not sure if he had heard what had happened or not just outside of his room so I waited. The office was much bigger than what I expected with walls all around and one single wall which was a complete window overlooking the city. His new polished wooden desk glistened in the sunlight as it came in. He finally turned around and said.
“What do you want “ ------“
“I want you dead!”
“What did you say?”
“You heard me, I WANT YOU DEAD!”
“Is that a threat? You’re fired! If you come anywhere near me I will have you arrested!”
I was surprised at the words that came out of my mouth, it was a little more unexpected and I wish I had rehearsed this more. I knew what he had just said, but I didn’t care what happened to me anymore.
“Maybe it was, but you know what…I don’t care anymore! FUCK YOU!”
“No!, Get out of my office.”
“You know what Mr. Peterson; I’ve had it with you and this stupid company. I quit! You think you have power over me. I have been rotting here for years dealing with your bullshit, but not anymore. Let me tell you that you are lucky the law is on your side. Take you stupid toupee and shove it up your ass!”
I knew I had to get the last word so I turned around walking out of his office to see a massive gathering of employees who have obviously heard everything and staring in through the office window. I believed it was over until I heard fast paced footsteps behind me which made me turn around. What I saw was that a five foot three man who charged towards me as if I was his pray and he was going in for the kill. I have never felt so much stress and emotion leave my body until I knocked that man to the ground. I just stood there and watched as his nose bled over the gray colored carpet. Once I came back however I remembered that threat which he gave towards me and I know I couldn’t get arrested so I did the only thing I could think of…run.
I ran down the many flights of stairs completely and deliberately not taking the very slow elevator. I knew that no one on the ground knew of what had happened 15 floors up, but I didn’t care, I just ran. I went as far as I could, in fact if I ran this much and fast every morning I probably could get to work this way. I was shooting passed civilians on the ground twisting in between them trying not to trip. The only thing different that I noticed when I was running was the forming of tears in my eyes. I didn’t even know why but I just let go while moving, completely sobbing, it was as if a family member had died. I never knew what complete sadness was until then. Just too many things went wrong I guess and now I could be sent to jail. The worst part was that I had nowhere to go; I knew that I had my apartment, but the company knew where I lived and would look there first and I no longer had any family or real friends to go to. So I kept going.
I must have run for miles. I don’t think I have ever been so tired either and in all the years I have lived in this city I don't know where I was. Really it was worse than where I lived. This place was as bad as downtown and the office building times two. The streets were literally falling apart and so were the homes. The building were narrow and had gaps in between them. It wasn’t very obvious that people lived in them but there was an insane amount of graffiti lining the walls. Even though it wasn’t very pretty and didn’t have much comfort I decided to stop and sit on the curb to the side of the road. No one was around me so I just decided to let out again and cry. It’s true that my life was shit. No one knew but I tried to kill myself once. I had everything ready. A note, a gun, and the will to do it, but I didn’t have one thing…the guts. Just before blowing my brains out I stopped. I still don’t even know why, but I just did. Maybe I felt like there was more, but as for right now if that gun was with me I’d probably be lying dead on the sidewalk.
When I was 13 my mother died in a car accident. During my freshman year of college my dad was done with me. I got really into drugs. They weren’t hard or anything, but I came from a conservative and religious family who wanted nothing to do with me. We were constantly fighting and he ended up kicking me out. You would think I could stay at a friend’s home, but I was sort of a loner. I never had many friends since we always moved. I would make some and then end up leaving without getting to really know them. I would have stayed with my girlfriend too. Well I would have if we didn’t break up weeks before hand. I found her cheating on me with another guy. It’s hard to think that someone you thought you loved for almost two years, give up and find someone who they think is better. So I just stayed on my own and fended for myself. About a few months I began my job at the office and made a few extra bucks by begging on the side. It was nice because all I needed was a high school diploma and I seemed to be better than working at something like a fast food joint. So I had enough money to rent out an apartment, and stayed there ever since. It’s sort of a shit life, with plenty more that has gone in between.
I probably looked pathetic sitting and crying, but what else can I do? My hands were holding my head up and I began becoming tired. I pulled them away and placed them in my pockets. I figured that I could use some comfort, even if it was just for a little while.
“No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible.”
I felt a lump or some odd shape of a solid, it was kind of misshaped. I pulled it out of my pocket only to discover that small cyan colored pony with rainbow hair. I seemed to have grabbed Rainbow Dash and put it in my pocket before going on my little rampage. I’m still not sure why I though Rainbow Dash was the best Pony. She was cocky and kind of arrogant, but I think I was drawn to her personality popularity. After all she was the first pony I had ever heard of. I just stared at it for a few seconds…wondering. It made me think. It made me think of what to do, were I should go, how to act, and how to feel. Kind of weird for a grown man to be staring at a My little Pony toy on the curb of a street. So much can come out of such a little thing.
In a way it was just a piece of plastic, but in another it was a real thing and an entire being of pure happiness. Why are people so judgmental? Who cares if I like My Little Pony? Why should I be looked down upon or seemed weird if I like a certain show? Does it really affect you, or hurt you in some way for what I LIKE? So it seems that I don’t belong or WE as bronies don’t belong, but who cares what people think of me. Let them judge me; I know it will be ok after all. As said by Pinkie Pie all I have to do is smile.
I have never felt such a change in emotion until then. My eyes were no longer crying from sadness, but from joy, from the amazing thought and gift that stupid little girls show had given me. I truly doesn’t matter what the show is or who it was meant for, it brought happiness to me.
While staring at the Rainbow Dash toy I finished crying and just waited. I wasn’t even sure what I was waiting for anymore, maybe forgiveness, or for hope. It didn’t even matter I just wanted to go somewhere. So I said it.
“I want to go ho-“
*BANG*
Before I could even finish my sentence I hear the loudest crash or explosion in my life. It sounded as if hundreds of lightning bolts had struck at the same time. My ears were ringing and I stumbled over onto the concrete. It was obvious it could be heard from a very far distance so I got scared. I thought it might have been a close gunshot. I didn’t know how loud they were because I have never heard it before. Tons of different things were racing through my mind even if they were stupid. I began to think that it was cops coming after me or maybe someone trying to mug me, so I did what I did before…I ran, but this time I hid. I noticed that there were quite a lot of turns in this neighborhood or apartment area. I also knew they would see me on the street so I went in a narrow slit between two buildings, as they were all apart. It was an alleyway that was about 3 feet wide and very long and dark. I just decided to go down to the end because I couldn’t risk the chance of being caught. I laid my body on the brick and mildewing wall and rested. It was hard to see, but I then noticed a faint light coming from the right of me. I looked over and saw that I was at a corner. If I had kept going down the alleyway I would have hit a right turn where the light was coming from.
As I got closer to the turn I heard a light humming like a generator, but quieter. Small trash and junk were in the way so I had to narrowly move past it all. There was no sound of voices so I assumed it was safe and ok to take a peek over. What I did see however was something I would never have expected…
I was in a wide and square portion about 20 feet by 14 feet in between 4 separate building with no roof. This area was connected to all of the fire escapes and obviously used to get out in case of in emergency and to go down the alleyway that I had entered from. It also seemed to may have been in use once as there was a burnt scorch mark on the sides of a window and half of one of the fire escape. What was different however was a glistening oval about 5 feet high in the wall. It was a purple solid looking shape yet it was twisting counterclockwise like a vortex. It was giving of a light hum and was quite bright for such a darkly lit area. As I got closer I realized this is something different or more unnatural. In other words it was not from this world, it looked…unholy. For a few minutes I analyzed it and tried to see if I knew of anything like it. In all honest it reminded me of the game: portal…after all…it was a portal, right? This “portal” took me by surprise. What would your reaction be to a glistening vortex possibly leading to something such as the underworld?
Finally I made up my mind. I was going to touch it. I still didn’t really know what it was so I was kind of afraid. I began looking around my area and found a rusted piece of a latter on the ground. I picked it up and snapped it from its original base so I just had a rusted burnt metal pole. Giving it a last once over I bent down and with caution and poked it lightly. It rippled and was very easy to puncture. I pulled the pipe back out to see that there was no change in temperature or any damage. The real thing that interested me was that the portal went through the wall. In other words it wasn’t just attached to the wall…it went somewhere else. Like another world
So I began to think of my pros and cons, such as things like; well I could die. Or it might just end up with me hitting the wall. Plenty of other things began to rummage through my head and in all honesty…most of them were cons. Even though it seemed to be a bad idea, I gave it a shot. I didn’t have anywhere to go anyway to go. It’s not like my life is going to magically get fulfilling, so if this does kill me I’d imagine it would take away the pain of my life so far. I was going to go in it. I had no idea where it was going to go or what was going to happen, but for some reason I no longer cared. I felt as though nothing was going right for me and this may be my way out. This was my chance, a gift I have been given. Who knows why it showed up or if it was always here, but something in my mind tells me this is what made such a large boom. Sort of like an opening; I know that this could lead anywhere, but I have to try.
I stared at it for a few more seconds than picked up my right hand. I was nervous and could see myself shaking. I stuck out my arm and lightly touched the portal with my index finger seeing if anything would happen. I felt almost nothing besides texture. It was completely fine and was sort of like touching water. Well without being wet and all. It gave me the courage to place my whole hand through. So I sighed and slowly placed it in. I than took it back out seeing that it was completely unharmed. Again I told myself
“It’s now or never”
Placing my hands on both sides of the portal I closed my eyes and stepped in feeling a strong amount of air blow through my hair like a vent as I placed my head inside. However something felt different. I felt peace, but change. I opened my eyes but could only see white, and nothing else. I just waited as I moved…and left.
