“We are gathered here today to commemorate the loss of someone someone held dear and close to our hearts. Exactly two months ago our beloved Anonymous, Equestria’s lone human and most definitely also the sexiest being in existence vanished into thin air.
“It pains me to say this but… it’s for the best. Today I am recalling all assets of the Royal Guard who have set off in a valiant effort to locate our dearest hunk of man meat. They need to come home, where they belong. It also gets really lonely during day court, mainly because that little purple usurper has taken it upon herself to fix all my problems.”
The crowd of neatly assembled ponies suddenly shudders violently before proceeding to bawl their eyes out; bringing much needed water to the apple orchard nearby with a river of tears.
“How could you!”
“Kill me now!”
“This should be a crime!!!”
“NAY THIS IS HERESY!”
“Get your ropes right here, ten bits! Up an at em Ponyville, don’t leave us hanging!”
Apart from the main throng of writhing wailing ponies stood the Mane 6, who were each having a an episode of grief and even insanity.
Applejack silently and shakily pushed in one after another of appleseeds into her mouth while Rarity magicked a red diva edition lounge couch before teetering over and smearing her ridiculously over done makeup on the cushions in the shape of a frowny face.
Flutterguy finished crossing off another item on his formerly Fetishy certified list:
~~99.Cross Burnings~~
~~98.Irony~~
~~97.~~
~~96.Leaving things unfinished~~
~~95.Gender bending~~
~~94.Penguins~~
Looking over the list one last time to search for anything that could have driven him off, he rolls it up and promptly places it in his anus, which also serves as a pony’s storage compartment. If Anon had still been there it surely would have been his skidrow too.
Rainbow Dash gazed at the ground and was stifling a sob and a torrent of tears threatening to burst out. “Bro. That’s all you ever were to him. Damn it Anon…”
Pinkie Pie was currently trying to court a bucket of rocks, her mane hanging limply and deflated over her eyes. “ Oh Rocky! You rock hard charmer!”
Suddenly, a loud roar was heard and all heads turned to it’s source--
the Ever Free Forest. Birds, Timber Wolves and various other woodland creatures poured out of the forest in droves and they barreled over the town, kicking up a cloud of dust as the rushed by.
When the furry shit storm died down and the ponies opened their eyes to survey the damage they were met with the glorious blinding light of a beast and none other than…
“A-Anonymous?!” yelled Twilight Sparkle, trying not to choke up.
Anonymous casually willed his glorious white steed to the purple nerd before swinging his legs over his mount and landing gracefully on his feet.
Kneeling down, he takes Dwight’s hoof in his hand before tenderly kissing it and presenting to her a small black box.
Gasps. Gasps everywhere.
“Anon? I-Is that-” A ring? Extremely tight lingerie?
“For you. Twilight Sparkle will you be mine for the rest of our short mortal lives? After which there is only darkness?”
Sparkle shoots Celestia a murderous look before coming face to box with an open black box containing… a piece of paper. A blank piece of paper.
Wat.
The purple mare’s mind races at 74 mph to figure out the meaning of the paper set in front of her. Almost as fast as a cheetah but not quite there yet.
Is it the deed to his land? His hand? His student debt? Maybe his soul? Hopefully. She’d take anything belonging to him, like his soiled undergarments. Been there done that.
Anon then turns over the paper to reveal the words: REALITY CHECK printed diagonally in bold red ink before jumping up 20 feet into the air and dunking it straight unto her horn.
All the wats.
Anon then magically appears 100 meters away, riding his magnificent steed into the morning sunset yelling “WOOOO! Reality check bitches! YEEEHAW!” Before traveling too close to the sun and being incinerated.
As Anon fades into the burning star, so does the world around her and she wakes up to see a group of medical ponies huddled around her.
“She’s waking up!”
“No shit!”
“Shhhh!”
“ I- erm. Princess are you alright? You were convulsing and muttering nonsense a second ago.”
Quickly getting to her hooves and wiping off dirt and saliva which had already formed a river parallel to that of the grief stricken ponies she prepared to deliver the news to the world.
“ He’s coming back. Anon’s return is nigh!”
Every single one of the ponies present snap their heads over to Sparkle.
“When is this glorious second coming set to happen?”
“ I… I’m not sure. My vision gave no indication of when--”
The little alicorn is quickly silenced as a stampede of forest creatures plows through the gathering of ponies, trampling them or tossing them about as if they were rag dolls.
Ignoring the animals now in the distance and the dust in their eyes, the equines are blinded instead by the shining light emanating from the bald head of none other than…
Cranky Doodle Donkey. However his brilliance but equally repulsive features are eclipsed by the majesty of his rider, Anonymous; who is currently sporting wavy long brown hair, a beard like the latter and white flowing robes in tow.
“Kneel peasants.”
All the ponies lower themselves but keep their silent gazes on him as he slides off his gagged mount; petting its bald head which shines as brightly as Equestria’s future now that he has returned.
All eyes are on Anon as he wades through- nay, walks over the surface of the tear and alicorn drool rivers, not once penetrating the flowing liquids.
He stops just before reaching the stage where Celestia stands, dumbstruck, before turning to look at the ponies.
“Why the long faces? What did someone die?”
“...”
“Ey real shit why are you guys looking worse than Igor over here?”
“You came!”
“ I have the biggest fucking case of blue balls right now, don’t you dare make fun of my under appreciated children.”
“Anon you’re back!” exclaims Dash as she rushes over and latches on to him, peppering his face with kisses.
“Nyah! Take about ten steps back from my butt crack you flying fruit bowl!” yells Anon before tossing her into the mud and brushing imaginary dust off his robes.
Adora-pout. jpg
“ I am a man of faith and great fuck mothering wisdom now! I offer you knowledge and salvation from your doomed heretical existence through myself and this!” he announces, holding up what appears to be a not religious text but actually a secret compartment for canteens.
“But we want your sexy body!” yells one mare.
“Ha! What do you think I am? A horse fucker?”
“ Anon Hu Akbar!” yells one of the dignitaries from Saddle Arabia before exploding into a ball of cheer and dancing.
“Heil Anon!” This time a stallion wearing a stahlhelm raises his hoof towards Anon in salute.
“ Uh, thanks I guess?”
Anon casually jumps up on stage, giving everyone present a good view of his floppy love stick. That’s all it takes to set the mares off as the sound of hooves hitting bodily parts
rings out.
“Thank you! Thank you, now hold your applause please!”
*clopping*
“Ok seriously stop.”
*more clopping*
“ The power of Christ compels you!”
Silence.
“Ok so before I get to setting this God forsaken country straight, I have a few niggling questions I need answered. First! I want to know why the hell there aren’t any paved roads here, I mean hell a little gravel would be nice. Seriouly it’s ridiculous, there’s a NYC rip off metropolis over that hill, DJ turn tables and even a complex gas and water main system running under Canterlot! Shit you guys even have a Bat Man Pon--”
“That’s that little shit eater Mare Do Well!” pipes up Rainbow Dash. “I’ll find out who she is one of these days.”
The rest of the Mane 6 tug on the collars of their non existant shirts before looking down at the ground with thier ears layed flat across their heads.
“Thank you Miss Dash for pitching in your insight with that little fit of autistic rage. Anywho since someone brought up shit eating-”
“That was me!”
“Yes we fucking get it Dash, thank you. Ok, back to shit eating!”
“Mare Do Well!”
“Can someone please gag her? Thank you Mr. Flash Sen- gah!... Who the fuck just did that! Which one of you slimy cock suckers just fucking did that!!!"
The light from Twilight’s horn dissipates and an innocent smile etches itself on her face.
“Ill let that slide for now, but only for the sake of time! I need to use the little colt's room. Ok, phew. Straight to the point; Applejack can you please get Winona to stop eating her own shit? It’s really distracting. Oh! Also why are you holding up sentient beings in pens and corrals? I’m pretty sure that’s a universal crime to treat someone like that.”
“B-but they’re animals.” stutters the farm pony.
“Seriously? You’re not helping with the whole racist hickbilly stereotype flying around. Check your privelege.”
“ Sooo, last and probably least on the least of peeves I completely forgot is Rarity. How does she do it? You know, the whole couch thing?”
“What ever are you talking about my handsome, rugged, exotic, diiirty ape?” Marshmallow pone inquires, putting emphasis on and drawing out the last of her sentence.
“I.. am… going… to… break… every… one… of… your… legs.”
“Erm *cough*, seriously how do manage to just pop so many into existence whenever you get into a hissy fit? It’s like you have an infinite supply of invisible couches in tow. Oh God, you probably have Sweetie making them in your sweat shop.”
“...”
“Now ponies, the time has come… I have judged you and made my decision regarding this country and it’s spectacularly incompetent leadership!”
“Princess Celestia! Your crown thing please.”
“You mean my tiara?” says the now teary eyed goddess as she levitates it over to his head.
“Now your little Russian orthodox patriarch chest girdle thingy. And the slippers
too.”
Frowny Face. exe
“Oh and your cutie marks too.”
“But they’re a part of me! They’re my destiny!”
“Oh shush you big baby you! Everyone knows they’re just stickers from the back of a cereal box. Celestia Bran… fucking rip off.” Anon promptly rips the sun pasteis from Celestia’s flank before smacking them unto his own.
“Unf!” All of Ponyville orgasms for the second time that day.
Anon stands up straight with pride as he wears Celestia’s 2,000 year old smelly lead painted golden attire, whislt Celestia lays sobbing on the stage’s floor.
“Aw cheer up not so sun butt you were bound to retire soon right? I mean you are 2,000 years old, wrinkly and inferti-”
“No it’s just that you haven’t taken Luna or Cadance’s things or even Twilight Sparkle!”
“Wow real mature… ahem well, the writer forgot to mention Luna earlier on and was too lazy to go back and edit her in anywhere in between this shit fuckery and Cadence is off plowing Shining Armor with her horn. As for Sparkle? She’s… well she’s the princess of Friendship. Doesn’t get anymore autistic than that.”
“Way to pour some salt in the wound meanie…”
“Your welcome- for securing the future of Equestria and getting rid of these insuts to royalty!”
The crowd of ponies cheers as they rush over to their new overlord and carry him off stage.
“Down with the autistocrats!”
“Bear my foals!”
“Ahhh. Feels good to be the new Vatican High Priest Assassin Warlock. Feels good man, feels good.”
Author's Note
I sincerely hope you didn't loose too many brain cells on the way down first work (If you can even call it that). Obviously if you enjoyed drop an up vote and if you didn't then drop one any ways in the name reverse psychological warfare. That way I'll know if you want me to keep on churning out this stuff because you like it or you want me to keep churning out this stuff because you want to judge and spite me based on my stuff.
Happy New Years you magnificent people you!