Friends Do Everything Together - Almost
The Elements of Maternity
Friends Do Everything Together - Almost
An unearthly howl roared through the Ponyville hospital maternity wing, a base scream of primal agony which could never emerge from a mortal throat. The ground shook as a titanic blast of lightning clove through the skies outside and a sheet of incandescent light flared through the closed windows, illuminating the crowded room and all of the ponies in it. A second and third blast of lightning crashed against the thick walls of the hospital, but even over the sound of the roaring thunder, the screaming voice could still be heard. Raising to an ear-splitting crescendo, vague words could barely be discerned from inside the wails and gnashing of teeth.
“You will find the hellspawn who did this to me and bring him forth so that I may bathe in his blood! He will writhe in exquisite torture for an eternity to experience one small fragment of what I’m feeling right now before I draw his still-beating heart from his chest and turn it to ashes in front of his eyes! Where is he? Bring him to me!!”
“Hang in there, Twilight!” called out Pinkie Pie from the other room where she and her friends were gathered for love, care, support, and certain other things. “We’re all with you, even though we can’t come into the delivery room because the doctor is being a big meanie pants. Foalbirth is fun! Whoopsie, there’s another contraction.” The pink party pony curled up in her bed and giggled at the ripples traveling down her swollen tummy. “Granny Pie was right. The Pies really are made for having little foals.”
“Pinkie Pie.” Rarity managed to pitch a vicious glare at her friend from her own birthing bed. The fashion designer had a substantially larger pair of lumps distending her normally sleek white middle into something which vaguely resembled an albino whale. “I have never loathed you more than I do this minute,” she gasped, momentarily between contractions. “You are my best friend in all of Equestria, but if you don’t shut up, I’m going to — Hurk!!” She doubled over in pain as the nurses fussed with the array of little glowing thaumaturgic monitors scattered across her massive belly, all showing the brilliant green of a pair of active foals reluctant to exit their comfortable home of the last eleven months.
“Mom!” Rainbow Dash looked down from her cloud bed at the rest of her friends, all sporting a belly bulge somewhat larger than the hyper-competitive pegasus. Her mother sat next to her on the little cloud they had dragged into the converted hospital delivery room, monitoring the process while holding a stopwatch and a clipboard. “My friends are all ahead of me! I’m going to be the last one to deliver, and they’ll all laugh at me!”
“Now dear,” said Windy Whistles, patting her daughter on the hoof and checking the time on her stopwatch. “Even though it looks like you’re about in third place, this isn’t a race. I was in labor with you for twenty-seven hours, and you came out just fine, and mostly in just the last ten minutes. You’re both a mareathoner and a sprinter. Why can’t you just lie down and try to relax, like your friend Fluttershy over there.”
The pegasus in question was curled up in the midst of a dozen of her smaller and less-fanged forest friends, laying on a thick mat of straw in the corner of the otherwise spotless hospital room. Every few minutes, a small quiver would run through her mane and she huddled a little tighter around poor Angel Bunny, who was looking a little squashed, but neither of them made a sound. Well, other than the occasional squeak from the annoying rabbit, and everypony ignored him.
Little glittering green thaumaturgic monitors lay across her belly exactly like the ones on the rest of her pregnant friends, except one of them had turned a light shade of yellow, and the nurse bent over to check it with a gentle pat to her back.
“Hello, Fluttershy. You’re progressing really well. Do you need any ice chips? A wet washcloth?” The nurse let out a started squawk as one dainty yellow foreleg darted out, grabbing her around the neck and dragging her down to the floor with her ear against Fluttershy’s mouth.
“What’s that?” she gasped through the chokehold.
After a moment, the nurse managed to gargle out, “Drugs. Can we have some drugs over here please? And some apple juice?”
“Cider!” moaned Applejack, curled up around her own swollen belly. “Granny, when ah die, there ain’t gonna be nobody to help with cider season. You gotta get one of the relatives to come in and help take care of the farm! Red Gala or Golden Delicious would do. They’re young and healthy, and can help take care of Apple Bloom and Big Mac.”
“Eh?” Granny Smith looked up from her knitting and thumped Applejack on the belly much as one would check a watermelon. “Why would ah wanna do a dumb thing like that? A week from now you’ll be out bucking trees with a foal carrier on your back, just like ah did with yer pa, and just like your ma did with you. Now shut yer yap and get to contracting. Ah’ve got sewing circle in an hour.”
Another blast of unearthly screaming roared out from the nearby delivery room, accompanied by the lights dimming and the distinctive stench of brimstone. The walls shook, and blood began to seep down the wallpaper as a chill fog swept across the floor to the distant sounds of what might have been bats in some other dimension, calling to each other with shrill cries of “T’keel, T’keel.” A deafening crash made the entire building shudder with tiny bits of ceiling tiles raining down on all five of the pregnant friends and a mighty voice as loud as the heavens thundered.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. And some ice chips. The appointed hour is nigh.”
“Good afternoon, my little ponies.” Princess Celestia strode lightly into the waiting room turned birthing room and was greeted with various degrees of pleasantries from the five pregnant mares, including some rather non-ladylike profanity from Rarity, who had the misfortune of experiencing a contraction at the wrong time. The Princess of the Sun took a moment to pat Rarity on the hoof and offer a whisper of encouragement before straightening up and asking, “How is Princess Twilight progressing?”
An unearthly stream of demonic curses roiled the air and rattled the windows as a mighty voice bellowed, “There is no Twilight Sparkle, there is only the Goddess of Pain and Fertility who labors to bring forth the Destroyer of All Things! Bow before your new overlord as she — Ugggh!” For one brief instant, reality crumbled in upon itself, pi became equal to 3, and the Equestrian Revenue Service seriously considered sending a check to Sweet Apple Acres for overpayment of taxes.
“Sister, hurry! Her power doth chafe against our wards!”
“Luna, don’t be a drama princess,” called back Celestia. “Remember, I was around when you were born.” A second tremor rattled the hospital, making the blood on the walls writhe and coil into symbols of an ancient lost language. The resulting wrinkle in the dimensional folding turned their relatively peaceful delivery room into a barren scarred world running red with lava and cinders before a quick spell from Celestia made the floor tiles and artificial lighting of the crowded birthing room fade back into sight.
“Seems like she’s about ready to crown,” said Celestia contentedly. “I had better get in there and help Luna hold the dimensions together if we don’t want Tartarus turned inside-out. Does anypony out here need anything before I go?”
A general wave of negative responses later, the Princess of the Sun vanished into the other delivery room with a cheerful wave, calling back over her shoulder, “Lieutenant Broadhooves, please attend to the rest of the Element bearers until I return.”
“Yes, Princess.” The guard in question only stuck his head into the crowded delivery room for a moment, but Rarity gave out a shriek of agony at his appearance. A brilliant blue magical aura grabbed the unicorn by his horn before dragging him forcefully into the middle of the circle of delivering mares.
“You!”
Despite the frantic clatter of backpeddling large steel-clad hooves, the hapless unicorn was dragged entirely too close to Rarity, who observed her captive with bared teeth and a savage sneer. “I never forget a measurement. Size 7 and ⅞ head with an Elipsis style longhorn and counter-clockwise fluting. Thirty-eight broad across the shoulders, size sixteen shoes, stout ankles. You were at the bar that night! Hurk!”
The attending nurse looked up from her rather intense inspection of Rarity's other end and called out, “Doctor, could we see you over here for a minute by Miss Rarity. I think I can see the tip of a nose.”
“It. Will. WAIT!” snarled Rarity, dragging the guard right up to her face in a flare of blue magic which made her eyes go white. “My friend is currently delivering this — Hiaaaayyaaa!!”
Bits and pieces of metal flew in every direction as the Royal Guard armor peeled itself off the hapless stallion, revealing a brightly blushing young unicorn stallion with broad shoulders and an astonished face. The armor all reassembled and stacked itself against the wall like a shuffled deck of cards in Rarity’s magic field, bright, polished, and only bent on the occasional corner. Panting for breath, the fashion designer snarled at the naked guard with deadly intent.
“You were talking with my friend. You left the bar with her. Admit it!”
The guard nodded almost imperceptibly.
“Then that’s your foal being born in the next room,” growled Rarity.
The brave Royal Guard quaked like a terrified child and stole a glance at the shimmering barrier across the delivery room door that flared and shuddered with arcane blasts, as if something terrible and mighty was attempting to escape.
“You have two choices,” snarled Rarity. “One of them is going in there willingly.”
The doctor fussing around Rarity’s other end called out, “You better hurry. The first one's head is almost out.”
“Aaaahh!” screamed Rainbow Dash from above. “The contractions won’t stop and I’m still not going to beat Rarity.”
With a wrenching of the elemental laws of physics and a victorious howl of demonic laughter, the shimmering barrier across the double doors to the delivery room faded away. Both doors swung slowly open with a grinding creak of shifting stone, revealing an obsidian darkness which coiled and writhed in the light. Wisps of pure shadow slipped out of the doors, twisting as if beckoning innocent ponies into a cavernous hungry maw while a deep voice boomed with such volume that little flecks of ceiling tile drifted down.
"It is time. Bring the Progenitor forth, so he may witness the birth of the Destroyer of Worlds.”
The tall stallion paused, looking into the churning darkness swirling in the doorway to the delivery room.
Then he looked at Rarity…
And marched forward.
~ ~ ~ ⌘ ~ ~ ~
Several hours later, as the hospital fell back into its normal routine and all of the extradimensional visitors had all been shooed back to their home planes (after just one or two quick and adoring peeks at the cute new foals) the Elements of Harmony gathered their cushions around in a circle so the new sleepy foals could be corralled while they talked. The mothers and assorted other relatives had been shooed out of the ongoing meeting and over to the Carousel Boutique under strict orders not to spill the beans before some proper parental princess planning could take place, pronto.
As said planning meeting was called to order, Princess Celestia occupied the largest pile of cushions and giggled at the wobbly-kneed little fillies and colts as they toddled around the blanket-covered corral, surrounded by their new mothers.
And one new father, who was curled up next to Princess Celestia with a mixed expression of exhilaration and impending dread.
A very perceptive eye might have noticed a thin silver cord tied around Princess Twilight Sparkle’s foreleg and snaking its way across the short distance of floor in a rather indeterminate way, as if the restraint really did not extend fully into this plane of reality. The other end seemed to vanish under where the young stallion was reclining, and from his occasional nervous glances at it, one might infer that it might possibly have been tied to something he really did not want to lose in the event he were to consider a break for freedom.
The group of six friends, one sleeping dragon, and two elder alicorns (one of whom was stretched out on the ground, apparently sound asleep and being used as a bouncing platform by two of the infant colts) were remarkably quiet. The first awkward feeding had been taken care of, several diapers had been expended in the attempt to learn their proper use by the new mothers, and things had calmed down to a series of silent glances and quiet throat-clearings.
Strangely enough, it was Fluttershy who asked the first question.
“So, Mister Broadhooves. Sir. I was wondering. Since you met Twilight on that night. You know. When… It happened.”
“Yeah,” growled Rainbow Dash from where she had plunked down and gave no indication of future movement from her comfortable spot. “Where’s the rest of your pals?”
Princess Celestia raised a hoof and the growing murmuring of demands cut off abruptly. “Lieutenant Broadhooves is one of my Royal Guard, and I’m ashamed to admit, not among the list of young stallions who I suspected of being the father of any of your foals.”
“It’s a surprise to me too, Your Highness,” admitted the young unicorn stallion. His eyes narrowed. “In fact, it’s a surprise to all of the Royal Guard in my squad. How could you keep something like this secret from us? All of the Elements of Harmony being pregnant? We should have been informed.” He paused. “We really should have been informed.” He paused again and looked at Princess Twilight Sparkle. “In fact, this can’t have happened by accident.”
“You can say that again,” said Applejack, flicking her tail into the circle of little foals and back out again as they chased it.
Lieutenant Broadhooves shook his head. “No, I mean the probability of a mare getting pregnant after intercou—” He stumbled to a dead halt and stared at Princess Celestia, who merely nodded and wordlessly encouraged him to continue. “Ahem. I mean, there’s only a twenty percent chance of pregnancy even in the best of circumstances. Given that mares in certain environments can… cycle synchronously, it still means at best, less than a sixty-four thousandth of a percent chance of this happening to all six of you at once.”
“Twins,” said Rarity flatly, “do not run in our family.” She looked over at Princess Twilight, who seemed to be running some internal calculations in her head. “Darling, do you have something to say? Perhaps something about the spell you performed before our little escapade?”
~ ~ ~ ♀ ~ ~ ~
Eleven Months Ago
The newest Equestrian princess and her five best friends gathered together in the castle bedroom suite, still far too excited to sleep. The coronation had been filled with stuffy ponies and hoof-shakes, singing and pageantry, dresses and introductions, and very little time for friends to simply be friends together. Spike had clunked out like a light once they had returned to the castle suite, too tired to even twitch when Rarity had squealed, “Oh, all the glitter and glory of Canterlot, and I just wish we could all be out there enjoying it.”
“Ah’m too excited to sleep too,” said Applejack while brushing the last of the flowers out of her mane.
“I got a whole bunch of books for coronation presents,” said Twilight, looking at the stacks of boxes alongside the wall of the suite. “We could have a reading party! It would be so much fun!”
“Pass!” declared Rainbow Dash. “You girls can stay cooped up here in the castle if you want to, but I’m going to go paint the town in rainbows. Anypony want to come with me?”
“Count me in,” declared Applejack.
“I suppose I can,” said Fluttershy, although she hunched her shoulders and looked away when everypony looked at her. “That is, if you girls don’t mind. I’m just so excited.”
“What a wonderful idea, Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity, although with a certain hesitation. “We couldn’t do it tonight, though. Why, we’d be swarmed by the locals. They’d paw over us and demand to be in our presence, paying attention to our every single whim. As adorable as it sounds, we wouldn’t get any time for ourselves.”
“I know!” Twilight Sparkle bounced over to her boxes of coronation presents and dove in. A flurry of books stacked themselves to either side of her until she emerged with a hefty tome. “Starsworl’s Masterpiece Wroks. It’s the first edition with the typos still on the cover page. I was leafing through it and I found a number of spells perfect for a private night out on the town for just us, without any of the ponyarazzi snapping pictures or screaming crowds. See, there’s a Background Poni spell for privacy, and a Locator spell so we can find each other in crowds—”
“Ooo!” declared Rarity. “Just in case, you should use this one too.” One delicate white hoof pointed at an entry in the index and several of Twilight’s friends blushed.
“I wasn’t really planning on partying that much,” said Fluttershy, who had turned almost as pink as her mane.
“I was!” said Pinkie Pie with a happy bounce.
“Seems like a waste of effort no matter how much we drink,” said Applejack, “‘specially for RD.”
“Starsworls Con-tra-cept-shun spell,” said Rainbow Dash. “Yeah, Applejack won’t need it for sure. I’ll take two.”
“Don’t be silly, Rainbow Dash,” said Princess Twilight Sparkle, lighting her horn and casting her first spells since becoming a princess. “I’ll cast them on all of us, just to be certain.”
~ ~ ~ O ~ ~ ~
The corner of the hospital room was very quiet for a while, despite the play of seven small foals, as well as Spike’s and Luna’s whistling snores making a harmonic duet. After a long period of time where it seemed nopony else was going to say anything, Lieutenant Broadhooves gave a deep frown and said, “I don’t remember Starswirl making a contraceptive spell.”
“He didn’t,” said Princess Twilight Sparkle, who was attempting to hide her head under one wing, much like an embarrassed duck. “He did make a very effective conception spell, though.”
“Oh,” said the startled stallion. “So this isn’t all my fault?”
“Not unless you are extremely talented,” said Pinkie Pie, who was playing peek-a-boo with several of the little foals at once. “Still, I don’t think so. Don’t get me wrong, but you’re really not my type, no matter how much we were drinking.”
“Mine either,” said Rainbow Dash. “You’re more of an egghead than Twilight.”
Princess Celestia cleared her throat. “Before this gets out of hoof, Lieutenant, perhaps you should tell your side of how our less-than-memorable night started.”
“But not how it ended,” said Rarity rather quickly. “That’s fairly self-evident.”
~ ~ ~ ♂~ ~ ~
The street was quiet as Lieutenant Broadhooves slumped against the outside wall of the Pretty Peony Bar and Grill with a sigh and looked at his platoon. Six loyal and tough soldiers of the Equestrian Principality who had already worked their shift at the coronation and gone off-duty, except for their odd and workaholic boss who had called them back into service for one last task tonight. The differences between a guard in armor and one in the mismatched clothes they wore off-duty always surprised the young officer, and he rolled his eyes at the ragged Gustvale Growler’s hoofball team jersey Corporal Cloudhopper was wearing as the scout reported with a crisp salute.
“Sir, as you requested, I infiltrated the target zone and have determined the subjects are indeed in the building. It took a lot of concentration to pick them out, probably because of the cloaking spell you told us about, but after a suitable amount of oogling… I mean observation, I believe they’re who you said. Six smoking mares, presently unescorted by proper stallions except for a couple of college colts trying to hit on Fluttershy and one really old, old, old, overprotective decrepit pegasus who was lurking around the back door out of sight from the subjects.”
“Thank you, CC,” growled Sergeant Hammerstrike, the oldest and most experienced of the platoon, or ‘Stripes’ as his fellow soldiers tended to call him from his habit of gaining and losing stripes in order to stay a sergeant instead of being promoted into what he viewed as ‘Cloudhead Country.’ The crusty old pegasus looked up at Broadhooves (as most ponies had to) and nodded. “This bar isn’t in the best of neighborhoods. The Elements of Harmony really deserve some protection in there. What are your orders, sir?”
“They should have picked up a security patrol when they left the Guest Tower,” said Broadhooves with as little a growl as he could manage. “I was just lucky to have spotted them. Princess Sparkle seems to have used some sort of cloaking spell to slip them through security.”
“To be honest, sir,” said Hammerstrike, “the security cordon is designed to catch threats attempting to break in, not out. They’re just a bunch of young mares, out on the town. If you go charging in there and break up their little party, you’ll break Twilight’s heart. I’ve worked the castle for quite a few years and she’s a cute little bottle of nitro, if handled softly. Now that she’s a princess, I don’t think anything will have changed except for the size of the crater she’ll make when she goes off.”
Lieutenant Broadhooves chewed on his bottom lip in frustration. On the day he had been assigned to the Canterlot branch of the Royal Guard, Prince Shining Armor had assigned Hammerstrike to his team with the specific instructions: treat the words of the crusty old pegasus as if they were worth a thousand bits a piece, and if he ever wanted to be promoted again, he should listen.
“Point taken.” Lieutenant Broadhooves gave out a sigh of frustration and thought about the book in his sidesaddle which he had originally planned on reading tonight. “Ham, you stay outside. You’ve been around Princess Twilight long enough for her to recognize you right off the bat, and that would end any pretense we have of this being an unofficial operation. The rest of you are off-duty, so I can’t tell you what to do. However…”
Broadhooves looked up, seemingly surprised to find himself outside of a bar. “Well, what do you know. A place where a few totally unrelated stallions who don’t know each other might be able to buy a drink or two for some unattached mares. Cloudhopper, you’ve got a cousin in the Wonderbolts, don’t you? I’ll bet there’s somepony in there who would just love to hear about that.”
The fleecy-white pegasus grinned and gave an abbreviated salute. “Way ahead of you, sir. I mean, whoever you are.”
As the first pegasus slipped in the door, Broadhooves turned to his dark batwinged brother and fellow scout. By accident of birth, the fraternal twins had turned out to be a hyper curly-maned thin pegasus and a laconic straight-maned batpony, just as different as Night and Day, but bonded together just as strongly as the Royal Sisters. In Broadhooves’ experience, they also made two of the best scouts in Equestria when sent into a hostile situation.
“Insomnia, I don’t think your sibling knows how to properly talk to a mare. Why don’t you go in there and see if you can demonstrate by exchanging a few words with Miss Fluttershy?”
“Uh…” The young batwinged pegasus scratched behind one ear and tried to look small. It didn’t work. In armor, he was a powerhouse, but without it, he always seemed a little like a naked boulder. “Do you think she likes budgies?”
“Only one way to find out.” Broadhooves smiled when the batwinged pegasus flittered inside and turned to the next off-duty Royal Guard in the line.
“I’m supposing you would like me to escort Miss Rarity,” intoned Corporal Noble Cause. Technically, he was Lord Noble Cause out of the unicorn Royals in Vanhoover, and stood to inherit a barony when he retired from the guard, but in the middle of a scrap, he was just as dirty a fighter as the nastiest thug in Manehattan. The creases in his dark jacket could have been used to shave, and the buttons on his pink shirt glistened a pearly-white, matching his teeth when he smiled, but Broadhooves could never remember him expressing an interest in the opposite gender. Or the same gender either.
Broadhooves made a dismissive gesture. “You’re off-duty, so what you do is entirely up to you. Did you want me to make that an order?”
~ ~ ~ O ~ ~ ~
“Wait a minute, wait a minute!” declared Rarity, although she did not change her sprawled-out position as a wall of the foal corral. “You mean all of this time when I’ve been seeking a Royal who could match my grace, charm, and natural beauty, you had to order one to sleep with me?!”
“It wasn’t an order,” objected Broadhooves. “It was a… option. He was simply to accompany you for the evening.” He looked inside the circle of new mothers where all of the foals were playing, in particular two rather enthusiastic identical unicorn colts who were wrestling. “It takes two,” he weakly added.
“No horseapples,” snorted Applejack, who was sitting on an ice pack. “What big-headed, broad-shouldered lummox did you pick out to be my stud?”
Lieutenant Broadhooves hunched his neck and looked at the largest of the little foals in the makeshift corral, a large-headed, broad-shouldered not so little filly who was the exact shade of a ripe peach. “Corporal ‘Big’ Peaches,” he mumbled. “And Specialist Straight Laced for Miss Pie.”
“When do we get to meet them again?” asked Pinkie with a bright grin. “I’ve never been able to throw more than one So You’re A Parent And Didn’t Know It party before, and now I get to throw six! Only you do know it now, which takes most of the surprise out of it, but with all of you, we’ll get to play all kinds of new games!”
“Yeah, like pin the pony on the papa,” grumbled Applejack. “There’s jest one thing ah’m missin’ here, stud. How come you got to pick yourself a princess?”
“Ah…” Lieutenant Broadhooves attempted to look away from every mare in the room. As he was surrounded, his effort was doomed to failure.
“Um…” Princess Twilight Sparkle tried to look away from the only stallion in the room, only to find herself looking at Applejack. When she moved her head, she found herself looking at Princess Celestia, and that seemed to only make her embarrassment more complete. Then she turned back to face Broadhooves. And Applejack. And Celestia.
~ ~ ~ O ~ ~ ~
Lieutenant Broadhooves sat back in a corner booth with a plate of veggie kabobs and a beer, taking his observation point with a comfortable sigh and looking out at the rest of his squad and the mares they had paired up with. It was still blessedly difficult to identify which one of the Elements of Harmony was which, due to Twilight Sparkle’s ongoing cloaking spell, but it at least looked as if all of the vulnerable young mares had young stallions pretending not to know each other as an escort for the evening, and they all were getting along quite well.
The majority of his petty cash supply had been distributed among his squad and seemed to be providing an effective level of social barrier lowering. There was a generally high level of inebriation sweeping across the dozen or so young ponies engaged in happy conversation, mixed with a little friendly competition between two hoofball team fanatics who were trying to drag the rest of their friends into the argument about who was the best power forward on their respective teams.
It seemed things were going his way for a change, which warranted a small smile and a little reward for the hard-working Royal Guard officer, who was also officially off-duty and deserving of a little relaxation of his own. He reached into his sidesaddle and quietly slipped his newly-purchased copy of the Encomium of Plotemy Philadelphus onto the table. From there on, he split his attention between the delicious kabobs, the cool beer, his observation task, and the writings of one of the greatest rulers of the ancient Geeks, as the rest of his squad would call it.
Unfortunately, one of his tasks received less attention than she really needed.
“Hi there, handsome,” breathed the presently potted purple princess who perched precariously on the edge of his table and craned her head down to look at his book. “You sexy, sexy thing, you. Hiding away from me all this time. You’re a first edition, aren’t you?”
“Excuse me?” asked Broadhooves with a startled jump, which in hindsight turned out to be a bad decision as the alcohol-fogged violet eyes of Equestria’s newest and presently most inebriated princess swept up to lock gazes with him.
“Ooo, you’re not bad yourself. What’re you and your date doing way, way, way over here?” she asked with a slight hiccup.
With a sudden flash of insight, Broadhooves realized that although he had managed to occupy the attention of all of Twilight Sparkle’s friends, he had left a booze and hormone-filled bibliovore to home in on the only loose book in the room.
And its owner.
“Scoot over, handsome. Lemmie read over your shoulder.” Powerful alicorn muscles nudged Broadhooves further into the booth as Princess Twilight Sparkle, She Whom Prince Shining Armor Had Deemed Not Only Off-Limits, But Promised Specific Indignities Relating To Future Foal-Creating Abilities If Any Guard So Much As Touched—
“You are cute,” added Twilight Sparkle as she settled down on the bench next to him and added a kiss to his cheek. “And you too,” she added, giving the book a kiss also. “Although I think I should know you from somewhere. I’ll remember. Jes gimmie a minute to think.”
One purple wing wrapped affectionately around Broadhooves, causing an entire series of unused neurons to spring into life. “Barkeep!” he called out in a desperate attempt to keep his family jewels from decorating the Crystal Empire when Shining Armor inevitably found out. “Two vodka tonics over here, and keep ‘em coming!”
~ ~ ~ O ~ ~ ~
“Unfortunately, I was trying to out-drink an alicorn,” said Broadhooves. “I think we went back to my apartment. Everything went fuzzy after the first dozen rounds.” A small alicorn foal with a lilac coat so pale it was nearly white nudged up closer and blessed him with a wet nose-rub. “Really fuzzy,” he added, looking at his new daughter. “But nice.”
“It’s the memory spell,” confessed Twilight, hunched over so far she was resting her chin on the blanket-covered floor. “Starsworl’s hangover relief spell had a few unforeseen consequences. I’m going to burn the book. Maybe. Or lock it up. Or issue some corrections in the next edition. I zapped you before I left your apartment, I think, and I must have tracked down the rest of my friends and gotten them back to the castle before casting it on them too. And me. Twice,” she added. “Regrettably. All I wanted to do was forget all about that night.”
“Really?” Broadhooves rubbed his forehead as if he was trying to force a memory to the surface. “There were four magical holes blown in the walls of my apartment bedroom, and somehow there were hoofprints on the ceiling. It must have been one heck of a night.” Lieutenant Broadhooves of the Royal Guard froze in place, his eyes slowly tracking over to his superior, Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia and the sly grin she was concealing.
“In hindsight,” said Celestia in a perfectly innocent fashion, “classifying the pregnancies as Top Secret for National Security reasons may not have been the brightest idea in the world. But I was just wondering why you requested for your squad to be assigned special training in Baltimare the day after the coronation. Could it be because Princess Twilight Sparkle does not have any relatives who live there?”
“Fleeing the scene of the crime?” asked Applejack.
“A bang and dash?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Traveling somewhere you could undoubtedly spread all kinds of nasty rumors about our proclivities,” said Rarity with a sniff.
Broadhooves lifted both large forehooves and waved them in a motion of denial. “Yes, yes, no, and absolutely not. Honestly, my squad needed Personal Protective Unit training from the Baltimare facility to get any assignments to further advance their careers. During training, Sergeant Hammerstrike was detailed to shepherd a different officer and the rest of us got back to Canterlot a few weeks ago. None of my squad breathed a word about what happened, and I certainly wasn’t about to. I didn’t have any idea what was going on until we showed up here and I started counting months.”
“Congratulations,” said Twilight dryly. “You can add.”
“And multiply!” said Pinkie Pie.
Princess Celestia clucked her tongue and shook her head. “So instead of keeping a security lid over the whole event, all I would have needed to do was inform my own guards, and you would have confessed?”
“Yes.” Broadhooves returned the skeptical glares he was receiving. “Yes? I can’t speak for my fellow guards, but I would have.”
“Pinkie Promise?” asked Pinkie Pie. “Cross your heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye?”
Broadhooves looked rather surprised when Pinkie pressed a decorated cupcake against his hoof, but he obediently raised it up and recited, “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my — ouch!”
Rarity sighed as the hapless stallion began to clean frosting off his face. “Yes, we definitely found Twilight’s life mate. Tell me, Lieutenant. Are you married?”
“No, Ma’am.” The young unicorn stallion hesitated without looking away as it seemed he really wanted to. “Not yet, Ma’am.”
“Are any of the members, and I use the term loosely, of your team married, Lieutenant Broadhooves?” asked Rarity.
This time, the young officer definitely took a glance at the unusually quiet Princess of the Sun. “Not yet, Ma’am. Although Specialist Insomnia seems to spend an awfully lot of his time writing letters he won’t let anypony else see.”
Fluttershy ‘eeped’ quietly and blushed. “I was worried about his budgie’s battle with premature moulting,” she admitted. “But I didn’t have the nerve to tell him about…” She trailed off as a tiny grey batwinged filly with a pink mane nuzzled at her tummy, possibly in search of a second course for her breakfast. “We really didn’t drink much,” she added.
~ ~ ~ O ~ ~ ~
The party at Sugarcube Corner did not have many drinks either, other than a few bottles of formula for the mothers who were having issues with their first feedings, particularly Rarity, who swore the twins were determined to punch her sensitive tummy full of holes with their little blunt horns. The six brave stallions of the Royal Guard seemed intimidated far more by seven little toddling infants than the most fierce armed and armored opponents. Once notified of their parental status, only one had to be physically restrained, and Corporal Cloudhopper really did not stand a chance trying to out-fly Rainbow Dash, even post-partum. He was sitting in the middle of the foal corral now, surrounded on all sides by toddling and wobbling little foals while wrapped from nose to tail in a set of Applejack’s borrowed ropes. It was overload therapy of the most adorable kind, and the fluffy little filly with the curly mane and coat striped in all the colors of the rainbow who had cuddled up to his chest and was presently snoozing seemed to be breaking through his inherent desire to flee paternity.
Lieutenant Broadhooves, Royal Guard and soon to be Possible Prince-Consort, considered the hustle and bustle of the ongoing party and tried to think of the letter he was going to have to write to his parents.
Dear Mom and Dad. Remember when you used to ask me when I was going to settle down and how you wanted grandfoals?
“Bit for your thoughts.” Princess Twilight Sparkle had somehow slipped up beside him while his mind was occupied with shattered contingency planning and was looking at the young guard with a guarded expression that revealed very little of her own thoughts.
“Good Afternoon, Your Highness,” he responded just as formally as possible for an officer in the Royal Guard who had just recently seen the process of alicorn birth. Any thoughts of fleeing his impending fate had long since been burned out of his mind, particularly after noticing many of the extra-dimensional beings who had taken advantage of the spatial gap in the delivery room had referred to Princess Sparkle by her first name, and had been very compliant when politely asked to leave. Even if Broadhooves had managed to flee, there was no place in Equestria where he would be able to hide, and apparently no place outside of it either where one of the locals would not bring him back like a mislabelled parcel.
So they sat there in Sugarcube Corner’s main room, side by side, not saying a word as they looked at their friends, of both the ordinary His and extraordinary Her Highness variety. Peaches and Applejack had taken over a table to one side of the room and laid out what appeared to be a scale model of a farm with little red and orange candies indicating prospective planting and harvesting cycles. It took a little bit of checking to see the hefty little earth pony filly tucked into Peaches’ foreleg as he contributed to the ongoing planting planning, but it certainly looked as if father and daughter were about to become part of a larger family in fairly short order.
Rainbow Dash was standing at their table too, indicating her loud opinion about apple trees being the most comfortable to sleep in and expressing skepticism about any peach trees having the same level of springy lumbar support. She cast the occasional glance over her shoulder at where her new daughter was sleeping, but there was something unusual about her tail which piqued Broadhooves’ attention. She was twitching it from side to side, and after a moment, he noticed Corporal Cloudhopper was likewise watching the twitchy tail from his rope-wrapped position in the foal corral. He would look at Rainbow Dash’s tail, then look at the similar tail on the tiny little filly curled up sleeping on his chest, like some sort of curly polychromatic sheep. Back and forth went his eyes, and with every repetition, the look of nervous tension on his face was beginning to fade into acceptance, or maybe even anticipation.
Although Rainbow Dash may have lost the race to being first to deliver, it looks like she’s planning on making a second lap around the maternity ward far ahead of her friends.
There was anticipation on behalf of Corporal Noble Cause too, but it could probably be more defined as ‘dread’ or even ‘looming apocoltlyptic world-ending family pronouncements pending.’ His Nobs, as his fellow squadmates liked to call him, seemed to receive a thick package from his parents every week, detailing the bloodlines, positive characteristics, and skill sets of every single eligible Royal mare in Equestria. Broadhooves felt fairly certain the fashion designer he was currently obeying had never been represented in those informational packets, and the addition of two more small buds to the Cause Royal family tree was likewise unanticipated. Still, he was taking to the unexpected task of diapering with the consummate skill Nobs had displayed on every new task given to him during training, and from the sly sideways glances Rarity was throwing at him whenever his back was turned, there were some other skills she would be more than willing to try once she had fully recovered from the current ordeal.
It took a few minutes to spot Fluttershy. Specialist Insomnia was curled up in the darker corner of Sugarcube Corner, much as he normally preferred to be in the shadows with a pair of dark sunglasses, although Pinkie Pie had not spared him from wearing one of the more elaborate party hats with streamers spraying out of the top and topped with both a fluffy pink pom-pom and a chirping budgie for some reason. Peeking out from under one sheltering wing was a tiny little batwinged pegasus whose pink mane matched almost perfectly against Fluttershy, who was also similarly tucked protectively under his wing and seemingly willing to remain there forever.
And, of course, Specialist Straight Laced was tearing around the room with Pinkie Pie. There had always been something about Laced’s honest face which made him the last pony suspected in any water balloon attacks or itching powder pranks, and considerable experience that Broadhooves recognized quite early on made him place the placid and nearly colorless stallion first on any unofficial suspects list, regardless of his alibi or protestations of innocence. Now the comedy team of Pie and Laced was complete, and no pony in Equestria was safe. Broadhooves shuddered a little inside as he thought about just what had been released onto an unsuspecting planet, and in particular the little pale pegasus they had spawned, who looked just as sweet and innocent as her father.
Equestria is so doomed.
“If it will help any,” said Princess Twilight Sparkle with a sideways motion of her head to look out of a nearby window instead of meeting his eyes, “I’m sorry.”
“Why? I mean, why, Your Highness?” Broadhooves indicated the rest of the room with a gesture from one oversized hoof. “They look happy. For now.”
“They do, but you look so… down.” Princess Sparkle continued to look out the window as she let out a heartfelt sigh. “I didn’t mean to goof up your life like this. It’s my fault for not checking the spells before using them, and for… Um…”
“Fault can be spread around pretty deep for something like this,” said Broadhooves. “The best thing to do is to look forward and see how we can turn the situation to the most positive possible outcome.” He looked out across their mutual friends and gave a sigh that was if anything, deeper and more heartfelt than hers. “See anything?”
“Other than a lot of wedding parties Pinkie is going to be throwing in the near future, and seeing a lot more peaches in the Ponyville Market, not really.” Princess Sparkle sighed again. “Ponyville is so bucked.”
“Think positive,” said Broadhooves.
“I’m positive Ponyville is so bucked,” said Princess Sparkle.
“Raise your goals and try again,” suggested Broadhooves. “Straight Laced always said he wanted a baker’s dozen of kids.”
“Equestria is so, so bucked,” said Princess Sparkle, looking over at where Pinkie and Laced were actually playing catch with their foal, who seemed to view the trips between mommy and daddy as great fun and an opportunity to buzz her little wings in order to extend her glide.
“That’s the spirit.” Broadhooves reached down into the foal corral with his magic and gently picked up the pale lilac alicorn filly, who wriggled in his magical field until he managed to get her tucked under one foreleg. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. My name is Lieutenant Broadhooves, of the Equestrian Home Regiment, recently attached to the Personal Protective Unit of Princess Celestia, who I believe you have already met. This is my daughter—” He held the little filly up and waved one tiny little pale hoof at her mother, which both alicorns seemed to think was funny “—Name To Be Determined, Princess of Adorableness and Snot-Bubbles.” He wiped the aforementioned snot bubble off with one foreleg before passing the wriggling little alicorn over to her mother. “Your turn.”
Princess Sparkle took the little alicorn and tucked her under one foreleg, just the way Proper Parenting Processes for Prospective Parents had specified, although the book had not mentioned the ability of a little filly to stick her cold nose up against the mother’s coat and blow out additional snot with a cute little sneeze. “Hello, Lieutenant Broadhooves. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and you don’t have to call me princess. In fact, don’t. Call me Twilight. This is my daughter, who I really haven’t come up with a final name for either, and I’m certainly not going to call her Name To Be Determined. We’re very glad to meet you. Again.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you… Twilight.” Broadhooves smiled, feeling a little of the crushing despair at his situation lifting as the beautiful alicorn met his eyes and smiled too. “My daughter seems to like you, and she’s a very astute judge of character. Would you perhaps be interested in starting a relationship?”
“I’m not sure,” said Twilight, passing the little alicorn foal back over to him. “You seem to have met your special somepony already if you have a foal.”
“It was a chance meeting, and a lot of alcohol was involved,” said Broadhooves in a dismissive manner. “Still, my daughter is my responsibility, and I would very much like to be a part of her life, if her mother would be receptive to the idea. I really didn’t get too much of an opportunity to know her then, but I understand she’s single and very attractive.”
Twilight blushed, and accepted the little alicorn foal back into her forelegs. “I don’t know, Lieutenant Broadhooves—”
Broadhooves held up a large hoof. “Please. Call me Bo.”
“Bo.” Twilight blushed slightly more. “I don’t see how you could possibly want to start a relationship with me. After all, I got drunk and took a stallion to bed nearly a year ago, and had a foal by him.”
“He sounds like a very lucky guy,” said Broadhooves. “A little stupid to try outdrinking an alicorn, but perceptive enough to take you to the safest place he knew in town… and weak-willed enough… I got nothing.”
“Me neither.” After a little coo of encouragement from the little alicorn filly, Twilight passed her back over to Broadhooves. “Maybe we should start over.”
“Perhaps we should,” said Broadhooves. He smiled and boosted his new giggling daughter a little higher on his shoulder, which made sticking out a hoof to shake somewhat difficult. “Hello, beautiful young mare. My name is Bo, and I would like to get to know you better.”
“Hello, Bo,” said Twilight with a growing smile as she took his proffered hoof. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I would like to know more about you too.”
“A wonderful first step,” said Lieutenant Broadhooves. “For our second step, I believe we should get a large package of wipes.”
“Wipes?” echoed Twilight.
“Our daughter just peed on me.”
