"Remember, sister mine, that we aren't with family. The ponies here have terribly confusing grammatical customs, including odd use of pronouns and speaking in third-person."
"I und- Er, Me understands."
"Good. Therefore, if anypony asks, your name is Melina, okay? That should help clear away any confu... sion..."
You steps off the train car and looks down at the inexplicably blank space where his sister had stood just moments before.
"...Oh dear."
*****
Me rushes forward, ready to make the most of her visit to the 'charmingly quaint' little town of Ponyville. To see the sights! To taste the tastes! To smell the smells! All three at once! Me spies a little flower shop, just over there, and it sells real flowers! She looks up at the sign, which reads 'Edible Arrangements'.
Me briefly ponders whether she has died and gone to paradise-
"MEEEEEEEEEE! Me, where did you go?!"
-but quickly decides against it.
*****
The stallion searches frantically for his little sister. What if Me got lost? Or injured?! Or BOTH?! The horrors that He and I would wreak upon You if something happened to her can only be described in the imagination! You scans the town, hoping to find some trace of Me. Unfortunately, the endeavor fails, and he is forced to ask for help.
"You there! You behind the apple stand!" You swiftly calls.
"Huh?" asks a somewhat confused orange mare. "Welcome! How can Ah help ya?"
"Please, you must help! I've lost--" You pauses for a moment, then growls under his breath. "Bah... Forgive You. You had forgotten about the strange customs in this town in You's haste to find Me."
"...Come again?" the mare asks, eyebrow raised.
"You has lost You's sister! A little yellow filly with-"
"A red bow?! Apple Bloom! Ah'm comin' for ya!" And with that, the strange orange mare bolts off into the distance.
You groans in frustration. "This is going to be harder than I-- Harder than You thought..."
*****
"Mmm! Thangs fo' de flowahs, Mish!" Me exclaims, her cheeks blissfully filled like a chipmunk's with flower petals. "Dehw delishish!"
Rose Luck chuckles at the little filly's antics as she scampers away. "You're very welcome, young lady!"
"She enjoyed them so much, Rosey!" Daisy says with a giggle.
"You said it, Daisy. I think this may be the best batch we've had in a while." Lily comments as she picks up a fresh bundle of flowers. "I think we should push our wares today!"
"You said it!" Rose looks out over the crowded marketplace. "Hey, everypony! These are our best flowers of the season, and they're on sale! Anypony wanna buy a few before they sell out?"
A moment passes as the crowd mulls over her words. Then, just as the three flower ponies start to lose hope, a resounding, "MEEEEEEEEEE!" echoes across the plaza. The three look over to see a blue pegasus with bright yellow eyes bolting toward their cart.
"Wow! Look at that, Rosey!"
"It worked like a charm!"
"We should reward such enthusiasm!"
*****
"MEEEEEEEEEEE!" You calls loudly, casting his eyes out over the marketplace for a glimpse of Me. A mere second later, he spies the mischief-maker darting around a corner beyond a small shop. With renewed vigor, he sprints after her.
Just then, three mares dart out in front of him. "Thank you, sir! We can gaur- OOF!" one of them grunts as You crashes into the group, sending them all into a heap of tangled bodies and limbs. It takes a few moments for them to disengage from each other. "Oh dear! Are you alright?"
"Is You alright..." You corrects under his breath. "Why can't these ponies get that right..." The stallion gets up to his hooves and pats himself down to brush away the dirt. He turns to face the group, intent on glaring at them, but after seeing them with wide eyes and enormous grins, You instead starts slowly backing away. "Uhh..."
"Wow!" says the cream one with red hair.
"You must really want our flowers!" the pink one with green hair exclaims.
You blinks at them, only to realize that they're advancing on him. "Uhh... Flowers?"
"They way you tumbled into us..." the last, yellow haired mare sighs.
"We got all tangled together!" says green hair.
"I've never seen anypony in such a hurry to get our wares!" the cream one giggles.
You begins to sweat. He glances around and backs away just a little faster as the trio comes closer. "You, uh... doesn't want your 'wares'."
"It's not that we don't want them, but you just looked so eager!"
"We'll give you a deal! Half price!" The cream one winks at him.
"Nope!" And with that, You flees from the wicked temptresses.
*****
Me's eyes widen and she throws her hooves out in front of her to slide to a stop. Her eyes close. Her nostrils flare. Her head rises upward...
"What is that amazing smell...?" With eyes closed, her nose guides her little hooves to the left, taking her forward until they step off the dirt road and onto hard tile. But she doesn't stop moving forward. She doesn't stop until she walks headfirst into a glass counter hiding all manner of baked deliciousness behind it. "Wooow..."
"Hi there!" A poofy pink mane pops up over the countertop, followed by a pale pink head. "Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!"
Me gasps. "Pinkie Pie!"
"Yep! That's me! But how did you know? I know everypony in Ponyville, but I've never met you before."
"Of course Pinkie has! Pinkie met You the last time You was here in Ponyville! Me is Me! You's sister!"
Pinkie's eyes light up. "Oh, You! I remember You! You had lunch with Pinkie and Twilight. You is a silly stallion!"
Me giggles. "Yea, You is."
"Anyways, would Me like to have something? It's Pinkie's treat for being a new face and sister to a friend!"
Me's eyes sparkle. "Pinkie means it? Anything?"
"Anything!"
Me regards the goods in the counter. "Hmm... Why doesn't Pinkie surprise Me? It all looks so good!"
Pinkie's grin broadens with a 'squee'. "Pinkie was hoping Me would say that! Why doesn't Me sit over there while Pinkie whips something up?" Me looks to where Pinkie is pointing and sees three other fillies sitting there, talking amongst themselves. Me looks back and nods, then approaches the group.
"Ah'm just sayin' that we've already tried roller coaster buildin'. We should do somethin' else."
"Like what?"
"Hello!" Me says as she trots up. "Me is Me! Can Me sit here?"
"Sure! I'm Sweetie Belle," said the white one. "This is Apple Bloom," she said as she pointed to the yellow one, then pointed to the orange one. "And this is Scootaloo. What's your name?"
"Me!" Me exclaimed.
"Yea, you."
"No, not You. Me."
"I know not me. I'm talking about you."
"Oh. I thought you asked what Me's name was."
"What my name was," Sweetie corrected.
"But Sweetie Belle just said Sweetie Belle's name was Sweetie Belle!"
"Well, yea, but you never said your name!"
"That's because You isn't here!"
"What? Yes I am!"
"No, I isn't here either! I is at home with the rest of the family!"
"But-- you--"
"Sweetie, stop." Apple Bloom put a hoof over Sweetie's mouth. "Now, what didja say yer name was?"
"Me!"
"Yer name is Me?"
"That's right!" Me claps her hooves together in glee as Apple Bloom glances at Sweetie with a stop-over-thinking-this look.
Sweetie Belle blinks. "Ooooooohh! Now I get it!"
Scootaloo just rubs her temples. "My head hurts..."
"Hey, yer a blank flank too! Wanna join the Crusaders?"
"Crusaders?" Me asks.
"Yea!" Scootaloo chimes in. "We're a group dedicated to finding our cutie marks by trying out everything we can!"
Before Me can reply, Pinkie arrives with a tray filled with enough sugar to make any parent cower. "Here Me goes! One Pinkie Surprise for Me, and one each for Me's new friends!"
"Wow! Thanks Pinkie!"
"Me is welcome!" The four friends tear into the chunk of sugary heaven Pinkie extracted from the universe as she bounces happily back to her post.
*****
You looks over his shoulder to make sure the 'flower ponies' aren't following him, then pauses to rest for a moment. As he takes in deep, revitalizing breaths, he tastes the aroma of a bakery in the air. When he turns toward the scent, he spies no other than Pinkie Pie bouncing behind the counter. You smiles and trots inside.
"Pinkie!" he says as he enters the shop.
"You!" She waves to him. "How is You, today?"
"Tired. You has been trying to find You's sister all day, but Me has been eluding You."
"Oh! Well, why didn't You say so? Me's over there!" Pinkie points to a table holding a decimated pile of baked goods.
*thump thump*
The table is surrounded by four fillies.
*thump thump*
All of their faces are covered in frosting and sugar.
*thump thump, thump thump*
One of them is Me.
*thump thump, thump thump*
You locks eyes with Me. Me gulps down the last of her bite.
*thump thump, thump thump, thump thump*
"Pinkie..." You says slowly, his eyes widening with terror. "What has Pinkie done?!"
*****
"Now, Rainbow Dash... You know you promised to model for me if I watched Scootaloo the other day..." Rarity chided her friend.
"Well, yea, but... It's just that I've got, uh..." Rainbow's eyes dart around, hoping for some excuse to escape becoming Rarity's ponequin for the next hour. Just then, she hears four tiny screams coming from outside. Jackpot! she thinks to herself as she bolts toward the window. "What was that?!"
"It sounded like somepony screaming!" Rarity replies, following closely behind. When the pair arrive at the window, they see the Crusaders and a small yellow filly with deep blue eyes and a sky blue mane literally blazing across town as Scootaloo's scooter's tires scorch the ground.
"I'm gonna go figure out what's going on." Rainbow flies through the open window and lands in front of the fleeing fillies. "Hey, squirts! What's going on?"
"Scootaloo! Look out!" the three passengers all shout as their driver jerks to the side. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, who are used to such motions, manage to stay inside the cart as it flies past Rainbow Dash at speeds that impress even her. However, Me is not prepared and tumbles out of the cart, crashing into Rainbow with enough force to send them both tumbling.
"Let Me go! You's gone crazy!"
"Wha?"
"Come back here!" The filly's eyes widen and she bolts around Rainbow Dash. Scootaloo is waiting for her a distance away, and the Crusaders are shouting for her to hurry.
Rainbow looks up at the coming stallion. If he were clean, he might look pretty snazzy. There are shades of glossy blue peeking out from behind a dirty coat and tussled mane, and his golden eyes match well with both. However, Rainbow doesn't take the time to admire what he could be. She just sees a dirty, crazed looking stallion chasing a screaming filly, and she knows that if she doesn't do something about it, he'll catch her and do Celestia knows what.
"Hey, buddy!" she calls with a hint of anger in her voice as she strafes him when he passes by. "What do you think you're doing?!"
"You is trying to catch Me before Me gets into trouble! Now get out of You's way!"
"No way!" Rainbow abruptly changes direction and slams into the stallion, bowling him over sideways. "You're not going anywhere near them!"
"You did nothing! You is just trying to keep Me out of trouble, like You said, but Me keeps running away!"
This guy's nuts! "Well, you're not running away anymore." Like a flash, Rainbow shot forward, but the pegasus darts upward and kicks off Rainbow's head, knocking her into the dirt face-first. But before he can fly after the fillies, a light blue aura surrounds him and holds him in place.
"Go get Twilight, Rainbow. I'll hold him here."
"You is not Him! You is You! Now let You go! You did nothing wrong!"
Rainbow and Rarity blink. Then they exchange a glance. "I'll make it quick."
*****
Just as Rainbow flies off, You looks up to see Me climb into the cart. As the fillies start off again, Me puts a hoof up to her eye and pulls down on the lid as she sticks out her tongue. "Bleeeeh!"
"Grr... Me can run, but Me can't hide!" You shouts just as they round a corner. "You will catch Me if it's the last thing You does!"
Meanwhile, the white mare currently holding You down tightens her magical grip and takes a small step back.
*****
"Twilight!" Rainbow calls as she flies into the castle. "Twilight, are you home?"
"Hey, Rainbow!" She looks down and sees Spike waving at her. "What's going on?"
"Where's Twilight? There's a crazy stallion chasing fillies around town!"
"What?! I'll go get her right away!" Spike runs off to find Twilight. It isn't long before there's a flash of purple light, and an alicorn with a baby dragon on her back appear.
"What's this about crazy stallions attacking fillies?" Twilight asks.
"Me and Rarity caught a-"
"Rarity and I, Rainbow."
"No, it was me and Rarity. You weren't there."
Twilight blinks in mild annoyance, then sighs. "You caught a crazy stallion?"
"Yeah! We caught him chasing the Crusaders outside Rarity's shop! Come on!"
*****
"Nooooopony knows... the trouble You's seen. Nooooopony knows... the sorrow."
"Darling, that song is so depressing," Rarity says. "Sing something with a little more bounce in it!"
The stallion stares at her for a moment, then starts. "You gotta shaaaaaaare! You gotta caaaa-"
"NO!" Rarity shrieks. She catches herself and coughs into her hoof. "No. Anything but that."
The stallion rolls his eyes and sighs. "I've got a-"
"Rarity!"
"Oh, thank Celestia! Twilight, darling, I don't think I couldn't gone another minute!"
Twilight shakes her head and looks at the stallion. "So, who do we have... You!"
The stallion turns his head back to see the familiar face standing there. "Twilight! These mares are crazy!"
Spike, Rainbow, and Rarity all look at Twilight incredulously. "You know each other?" they ask in unison.
"Yeah." Twilight's hoof is already rubbing her temple. "We met once not too long ago. Let him go, Rarity." Rarity looks skeptically at Twilight, but does as she's told. "Alright, You. What's going on, here?"
You takes a deep breath.
"YoulostMeasYouandMecameinfromthetrainstationwhileYouwastryingtoexplaintoMeaboutthecustomsofPonyvillebutMehadalreadyrunoff andwhenYoufinallyfindsMeagainMe'snewfriendscarryMeawayandwhenYoutriestocatchthemRainbowmanepummelsYoulikeYouissomesortofcriminal!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...Did anypony catch what he just said?" asks Rainbow.
"Working on it..." Twilight says, her eyes closed in thought.
"That's him, Applejack! He's the one that was chasing the Crusaders!" somepony calls from the crowd forming around them.
You looks up to see the apple seller from before bearing down on him like a manticore about to pounce on its prey.
"Madre del Sol-" are the only words You has time to get out before the apple seller crashes into him like a stampeding buffalo.
"What didja do ta mah sister, ya no good lousy varmint?!" she asked, the veins visibly popping out from her forehead. "If she's hurt, Ah'm gonna-"
"Applejack! Stop!"
"Don't stop me, Twilight! This here stallion's bin chasin' mah sister all day!" Applejack shouts.
Twilight looks down at You, but he shakes his head 'No'. Twilight sighs again. "Alright, we're taking this to the castle so we can talk without any more interruptions."
*****
"So what you're saying is Me, your sister, ran away when you first got here today, and you've been trying to track her down ever since?"
"Correct."
"And every time you caught up to her, somepony kept stopping you?"
"Correct."
"And now she's on a Pinkie Pie sugar high with the Cutie Mark Crusaders?"
"If the three fillies Me is with have such a title, then correct."
"It must be Tuesday..." Twilight mutters. "Alright. You, stay here. Ponyville doesn't need any more confusion about your intentions. Girls, we've got to find them before they get into too much trouble."
Just before Twilight and her friends can open the castle doors, a knock sounds from them. Twilight opens the door. Standing there are four fillies, all hanging their heads. "...Come on in, girls. You have some explaining to do."
"Me! Where has Me been? You has been looking all over for-"
"Big brother, stop. Talking like that is silly, and it makes things confusing for everypony."
"But, in Ponyville-"
"They talk like normal, everywhere-else ponies," Me rebuts. "They don't speak in third person like you said. They do, in fact, use pronouns, so stop trying to 'help them out' by making things worse."
You stands stunned at the revelation. "You has-- I mean, I've been..." He looks at Twilight and the others. "I'm so sorry... When I first came here, I thought..."
"I know what you thought, You." Twilight says with a slight smile. "I was there."
"I've made such a fool of myself... If I hadn't misunderstood, then none of this would have happened." You hangs his head, ashamed.
"But it did happen, and I think everypony owes an apology to somepony for something. Rainbow Dash and Rarity for arresting an innocent pony. Applejack for pounding You. Me for running away. The Crusaders for helping get You into trouble. And especially me, Twilight Sparkle, for causing this whole mess. If I hadn't had such trouble when you first showed up at the Haybale, you wouldn't have misunderstood how Ponyville works."
Everypony exchanges glances with each other, before saying a collective, "Sorry..."
*****
Dear Diary,
I think I can speak for everypony when I say we relearned this lesson together. We learned that changing yourself to try and help others isn't always best. Sometimes it causes misunderstandings and conflict that could have been avoided if we were just ourselves from the beginning, rather than trying to be what we think everypony else is like. Eventually, pretending like that won't work any more and the truth will make everything seem silly.
~Twilight Sparkle
