First World Problems of an Undead DJ

by CountDerpy

Rating: teen
Tags: Octavia, Sex, Bon-Bon, Random, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, DJ P0N-3, Lyra, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 3090

Desiring to eat brains, DJing, limbs falling off and a nagging marefriend all before breakfast? How much can one mare take!?

Vinyl Scratch is a DJ
Vinyl Scratch is an Alcoholic
Vinyl Scratch has a nagging mare friend
Vinyl Scratch does a bit of drugs
Vinyl Scratch constantly loses limbs
Vinyl Scratch has to survive on pony brains
Vinyl Scratch has to hide the smell of rotting flesh
Vinyl Scratch left her phone at home.

What? Being a zombie isn't THAT big of an issue is it?

(Rated Teen for Mild Gore, Language, Sexual References, Alcohol and Drug Use, and Ponies)

Published 2015-12-16 16:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-04 19:20:37 UTC

Problems Waking Up

Vinyl...

Vinyl....

"VINYL!" Octavia screamed into the sleeping mare's ear. "Get your plot up this instant."

Vinyl groaned as she rolled over and patted the top of Octavia's head like it was the snooze on her phone. "Nnn, five more minutes talking pancake. I wanna see the sugar falls before breakfast..."

Octavia rolled her eyes. "Well I would have already had breakfast made if you didn't keep passing out on the damn island!"

Vinyl stirred just slightly as she looked around and indeed she was laying on the granite topped island, her rump laying square on a bottle of whiskey that was firmly wedge between her flesh and the cook top stove. "Oh shit, that's why this ocean felt so hard..."

"Ugh, Vinyl come now I have to be at work in 2 hours and I would like to have a decent meal before I go. So if you would kindly get your plot off the stove so I can make some breakfast."

Vinyl sat up and looked at her with a slight smirk. "You know, you really are cute when you are grumpy.” She chuckled much to Octavia's dismay as she dismounted from the counter. "Oww, sleeping on a bottle really isn't the best feeling in the world."

"I can only imagine." Octavia sighed as she tossed the bottle in the trash and wiped down the stove. "I swear Vinyl one of these days you are going to pass out someplace you are going to regret like the furnace or the washing machine, or Celestia forbid my underwear drawer."

"Hey that was one time and I still hold that Lyra was the one that talked me into it. Besides I was drunk."

"Vinyl," Octavia deadpanned, "you are always drunk."

Vinyl gasped. "I am offended and shocked and....shockfended...that you would say I was always drunk. Such a harsh statement."

"Really? Name one night this week that you came home sober or I didn't find you laying somewhere that wasn't our bed?"

Vinyl raised her hoof in protest but quickly lowered it. "I....I use my right to remain silent!"

Octavia just rolled her eyes as she started cooking up some hay bacon. "Well whatever, you are on your own for breakfast this morning."

"What? Why?" Vinyl pouted as she sat down on a bar stool and gave it a good spin. "Got another deaf rehearsal or whatever."

"Dress rehearsal, Vinyl, and yes I do. You know I have that concert in Trottingham next weekend and I have to be in tip top shape for it. Not like last time when one of your little parties kept me up until 3 in the morning and I passed out during the Overture."

"Oh yeah, man that was an awesome party. The way Berry downed that whole cask of wine then begged us to wall her up behind some pillows. Man, that was classic!" Vinyl laughed, eliciting a scowl from her mare friend. "Oh lighten up Octavia, this is how I keep myself entertained. Besides, if it bothered you that much you would have moved out years ago."

"Well you are lucky I love you despite your....downfalls." She gave her a slight smirk before leaning over the island to give her a kiss, which Vinyl happily returned. "You really need to go shower."

"Awwww but I don't wanna!" Vinyl whined as she got up and went to the fridge. "I want to eat this chocolate bar I found last night."

"Vinyl, you know I don't want you smelling of d- wait...found?"

"Yeah just found this chocolate bar in the back of the fridge last night, thought I would save it for this morning."

Octavia glared. "You found it? It wouldn't happen to be the dark chocolate macadamia bar that Beauty Brass gave me that mysteriously went missing the other day, is it?"

Vinyl stared back at her and looked back at the now unwrapped bar. "Um....no?"

She growled a bit before turning back to her cooking. "Well whatever, you can have it after you go take a shower."

"Can't I have it before? I promise I will take a shower afterwards."

"No Vinyl, I want to make sure you do. I don't want the house smelling of death when I get home."

"Ugh, fine mom, I'll go take a stupid shower." She said as she took off towards the stairs. "But I am not going to enjoy it!"

"No one said you have to enjoy it!" She yelled as she went back to cooking. I swear that mare is going to be the death of me if she wasn't already the death of hers-

Octavia's own thoughts were cut off as the loud crash of a body tumbling down the stairs and crashing into glass echoed through the house. "Uh, hey Tavi...my hoof fell off again! Also, I think my face broke your objet d'whatever it was."

"Oh for the love of- it's always something isn't it Vinyl!" She removed her food from the hot burner plate and turned to a drawer near the dishwasher. She dug around inside until she found a surgical grade sewing kit and walked into the living room. The marble floor was coated in a thin layer of broken porcelain from an expensive vase with a mare at the epicenter. Only a few feet away, a front hoof with a slightly green and black tinge to the meat wiggled away like a fish out of water.

"Damn it Vinyl, I really don't have time for this." She sighed as she cleared out an area of glass from around Vinyl and grabbed the hoof. She fumbled with the squiggling limb for a few moments before finally getting a good grip on it. "Can't you tell this thing to calm the hell down so I don't end up sewing myself to you again?"

"Hey I can't control it, freaky little thing has a mind of its own, don't you? Yes you do, yes you do!" Vinyl giggled in a lightening puppy talk voice as she scratched the bottom of the severed hoof as if it was the chin of a dog.

"Cut that out, this is already hard enough as it is!" Octavia snapped as she pressed the hoof back to where it was and quickly went to work sewing the two pieces of flesh back together with the precision of the seamstress she learned her technique from, or as precise as she could with a wiggling hoof and a squirming, laughing mare beneath her.

"Tavi! That tickles!" Vinyl laughed beneath her, making it harder and harder for Octavia to focus on her work. "Please stop! I promise to be good!"

"Vinyl just settle down a bit so I can tie this off, you know your hoof won't properly reattach if I don't do this right."

"Fine just stop the tickling!" Octavia obliged as much as she could and quickly tied off the thick thread, completely reattaching the two parts into one.

"There, now after that heals you get to clean up all of this glass."

"Does that mean I don't have to take a shower?"

Octavia just grunted and walked off.

"What that was just a joke! Come on don't be a sour puss!"

"I don't have time to be sour, I have to leave in like 20 minutes and I haven't even gotten to eat yet. Just get the glass cleaned up and take your shower then I don't care what you do as long as you keep the house looking nice."

Vinyl stood up and looked back at her hoof. Not even a minute after Octavia finished reattaching the limb did the rotting flesh fuse back together and the string was absorbed into it, leaving a seamless mass of fur where a tear once was. She wiggled it around to confirm that it still moved and levitated over a broom. "Fine...heh, you know I spoil you."

Octavia groaned.

Octavia walked out the front door and looked back once on the inside of the house, the floor spotless from where the glass once was. She picked up her cello. "Alright Vinyl, I'll be back later tonight or maybe tomorrow morning. Just be good, take your shower and just...try not to cause any trouble alright?"

"What? Me? Cause trouble? Nah, Tavi baby you got the wrong mare. I would never ever do anything to cause trouble."

"......right." Octavia looked back at her with a small smile. "See you tomorrow, love you."

"Yeah, love you too Tavi, now get out of here or you're gonna miss your train."

Octavia's eyes widened as she took off through town, Vinyl waving after her as she ran. As soon as she was out of sight, Vinyl grinned as she stepped outside. "Alright world, time to see what hell we can raise today!"

She turned to go back inside when her muzzle met with the cold, hard wood of the front door. She rubbed her nose and reached for the handle, the knob not turning in any direction.

"Damn it, I locked myself out again!"

Author's Note

Well this turned out a lot better than I had thought and it really was a great way to just get rid of a bit of stress. The idea for this came from an RP I had with my girl friend in which Vinyl was a zombie that constantly complained about the bad parts of being a zombie, mixed in the the kind of love/hate relationship Vinyl and Octavia have...you know...from almost every Vinyl/Octy story!

But whatever I am proud of my little story and I hope you all enjoy!

Problems With Friends

Author's Note

Only took 4 damn years, but it's here finally.....God I have to get a better writing schedule.

Problems With Friends

Most ponies would think that after about 15 minutes of turning the handle to a locked door, whoever was trying to get inside would give up and look for another way in or even leave. But Vinyl wasn't like most ponies, and was all but considering giving the knob a name and taking it out for a night on the town to get it to open up.

"Now look here, I don't know what your problem is but you better open up!" She snapped as she glared at the knob, her face scrunching in a way that Octavia would probably define as adorable.

"Um....are you talking to your doorknob again Vinyl?" A voice from beside her asked inquisitively, making her jump at least a good foot into the air.

"God damn it Derpy! Can't a mare sweet talk her door into opening up in peace?"

"...you call screaming at the top of your lungs sweet talking?"

"Well...Tavi likes it."

"Sure she does." Derpy chuckles as she reaches into her bag and pulls out a small bubble-wrap envelope. "Got a package for you."

"Huh, neat." Vinyl takes the package and shakes it a bit, a little rattling inside but nothing that is a sure fire giveaway. She sets the package down beside her and turns her attention back to the doorknob, her eyes locking on it as if in a life or death staring contest with a cockatrice.

Derpy just raises an eyebrow. "Do you want me to call a locksmith?"

"Please, Bob Knob here is giving me too much sass."

"Alright, I'll have them come right over." She sighs as she flies away. "And they say I'm the crazy one."

Vinyl sticks her tongue out at her as she leaves. She turns back to the door and sighs. "Now just have to sit here until the locksmith shows up."

"........"

"........"

"......STOP MOCKING ME DOOR!" She beats on it a few more times before growling in frustration and storming away "Whatever, didn't need to take a shower or play on my phone anyways."

Vinyl's walk from her house to the market district of Ponyville was a short one, but one that she didn't always enjoy. You had the Flower sisters usually setting up in the early morning along with every farmer in seemingly all of Equestria bringing wagons full of fresh produce. The entire place smelled like someone took a pile of dirt and threw it in an over with a good sprinkle of manure on top. Despite Vinyl's disdain for the smell, she enjoyed the fact it was at least strong enough to hide the smell of death that followed her around like a thick fog. In her mind, that beat a shower any day.

Her walk this morning, however, was cut off by a shadow bolting out from under a stand and tackling her to the ground. The two figures rolled a few yards away before coming to a stop, Vinyl's eyes squinting from the morning sun even behind her glasses, the figure dark and towering in her vision.

The dark figure leaned in and growled with drool dripping down from its mouth. Vinyl just stared ahead, clearly not amused by their antics.

She levitated over a newspaper from a nearby stand and smacked the figure on the head. "No! Bad Lyra! Down!"

Lyra jumps off an whines as she rubs her head. To anyone from out of town seeing a fully groan mare with paws, canines and a dog-like snout would be a shocker, but to the market it was an all day occurrence. "Hey! You didn't need to go for the newspaper. That was just uncalled for!"

"So is getting tackled by a wall of wolf-pony" She groaned as she picked herself up, noticing something isn't quite right with her vision. "So, are you hanging from a tree.... or is my head on upside down again?"

Lyra plops down on her rump and laughs. "God I bet Octavia really loves it when you go down on her like that. Guys must really love you too."

"I'm not even into them but I can tell you they'd prefer my rotten head to your tooth filled mouth any day of the week, bitch." Vinyl grabs her head and quickly twists it around, accidentally going all the way around again. "Damn it!"

"I'm not even going to comment on the bitch thing, because your kind of right, but at least I'm soft and cuddly, I bet doing you is like doing a plank of wood, but it fucking talks back to you."

"Oh I'll show you a plank of wood when I fix my fucking head!"

Suddenly a pair of hooves grab her head and snap it, fixing it the right way up. "You two realize how insanely loud you are being right. I don't need to hear your vulgar talk from halfway across town."

Lyra looks up and her ears go down a bit. "Sorry Bonnie, you know how we can get."

Bon-Bon sighs as she takes her seat at her nearby confections stand. "Yes I am very well aware of how you two act on a daily basis. Doesn't make my job any easier keeping tabs on you when you just yell out everything to the world."

"Eh, it's Ponyville. Literally no one in this town gives two shits." Vinyl shakes her head as she finally gets her barrings. "You find me one normal pony who actually care about the shit we've yelled out at each other over the last few years and I'll show you a coc-"

"Nope! Don't you dare finish that statement out loud."

"....you know you can be worse than Tavi most of the time with the whole mom routine."

"Well for one her job and lively hood doesn't involve keeping tabs on what amounts to two bickering teenagers with supernatural abilities. Secondly, if she pulled that more on you, I wouldn't have to pick up the slack!"

"Ahhh come on, Bonnie. You know you love babysitting." Lyra smiles as she rubs against her side.

"I really, really don't. I just put up with it so some wacko doesn't waltz into town again talking about purging the evil demons and firing into open crowds. Surprisingly this is the lesser headache, for what that is worth."

She sighs as she looks at Vinyl, giving a sniff to the air. "...You didn't shower this morning, did you? What was it this time?"

"Hey! I chose not to shower today. I'm a big mare and I can do what I-"

"You're locked out again, aren't you?"

".....well when you put it that way it makes me sound like I'm just a fuck up."

"You kind of are." Both of them say at the same time. Vinyl's hoof smacks her face hard enough to nearly knock her glasses off. "We may be teenagers, but you are seriously a broken record."

"Whatever." She reaches into her bags and tosses out a key. "You can shower at my place, but this time for the love of god do not use the nice towels."

"Awww but the other ones are coarse, rough and irritating!"

"Good they match your personality to a T."

"Awwwwww."

"Now get going. You smell like a dumpster fire."

Vinyl sighs and picks up the key before walking off. Lyra sighs and looks up at Bon-Bon. "You know you don't have to be so rough on her."

"Lyra, it's been over half a year since she's been like this. Hell in two months time you've matured more that she did by a long margin. I have to be harsh on her so she can handle this stuff herself. She's not a regular pony anymore and she needs to stop treating every aspect of her life as if it was."

"Yes but it's a big change and it's not easy. Trust me there are set backs I ha-" She stops and looks around for a moment, sniffing at the air."-ve...Sorry there was a squirrel nearby."

The two have a nice chuckle. Bon-Bon starts setting up her candies while Lyra curls up on a chair. "Vinyl just needs more time than others to adjust."

"I hope you're right, Lyra. But somehow I don't think that is going to happen any time soon."

"Who knows? Maybe things can just snap one day and fall into place. Hell, it could even be today!"

The two perk up at a loud banging noise from about a block away. They look at each other deadpanned as a loud, yelling voice echoes out across the market. "Bon-Bon! Do you have another key! I broke this one!"

Bon-Bon raises and eyebrow at Lyra, who returns a sheepish, toothy grin. ".....maybe tomorrow?"