Chapters Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Story One: The Tea Tim Invaders
The Tea Tim Invaders
It all started on a Tuesday after I had my regular tea time with Discord. A strange little creature with long red hair and large, googly eyes started appearing in my kitchen. I tried to make friends with it, but it stuck out its long yellow tongue and hopped into my cupboard. That is where it is living now.
I am supposed to be the pony who can take care of all little creatures who are down on their luck. Rainbow Dash is always saying, “Fluttershy, no pony is better at taking care of animals then you.” But every time I try to get close to the little creature, it shouts at me in a language I can’t understand and crawls back into my cupboard.
One day, I walked into my back yard and saw a tiny, metal spacecraft. That is when I realized that the red furry little creature was probably a visitor from outer space.
Normally, I wouldn’t mind having a furry little creature as a guest in my home. But you see, the alien who has now taken up residence in my cupboard keeps stealing my sugar. No matter how many times I buy it, the little alien steals it all. And this makes it difficult to have my Tuesday tea parties with Discord. Fortunately, Discord can usually just make some sugar cubes appear out of thin air. But I would like to be a proper host an offer him sugar with his tea. It is the principle of the thing, you know?
Now the alien is flying in my window at night and making weird faces. I’ve tried to explain that it isn’t nice to scare people in the middle of the night by doing so. But the alien just yells in its strange language and flies away back into the cupboard, planning the next series of pranks it will play on me while I am asleep.
I've tried locking the little guy in the cupboard at night, but he just complains a lot in a language I can't understand. Then he switches over to our world’s language and whines that I am not following the rules of the intergalactic alien worker's union. Apparently there are laws that protect aliens against getting shut in cupboards. So on. So fourth. Anyway, it is a lot of legal tape I don't like to deal with.
One day I had quite enough of Mr. Alien’s sassy attitude so I took him to the side and I said, "Oh no Mr. Alien. Ya'll can't just come in here and steal my sugar and make funny faces when I am not looking. That isn't the way we treat creatures on this planet." So Mr. Alien apologized and I gave him proper etiquette lessons. Now we have tea time together every Wednesday and he always makes sure to tell me politely when he plans to abduct me. I'm glad that my little talk got through.
A few months later, the alien in my cupboard and I continued to have tea every Wednesday after our little talk about random abductions. That is when all of his alien relatives showed up on the scene. They wanted to invade the planet or something. I got mad because they interrupted tea time (who does that?) so I got on a loud speaker and said, "Hey you aliens. Stop invading earth. That isn't very nice. If you don't listen, I’m going to ground you all for a week!" So the aliens felt ashamed and decided to just join me for tea. And I zapped all of them with an electric buzzer just for good measure. "Serves you right," I said, as I zapped them and then poured the tea. And that was how the world was saved by tea time.
Two weeks later, while having Wednesday tea time, all the aliens begun to lurve each other very much. I thought this was unnatural so I squirted them with a water bottle and taught them the proper things to do during tea time. But they kept on lurving on each other so I zapped them with electricity and said "Ewww, stop being lewd," until they finally listened and became the masters of tea. Now I have a bunch of red fuzzy friends who can keep me company during the day and help out with all of the chores. Rainbow Dash was right; I really am the best when it comes to taking care of little creatures big and small. Even if these creatures happen to come from another planet.
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Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Story Four: How Pinkie Pie Summoned an Elder God
How Pinkie Pie Summoned An Elder God
Today I took a break from baking at Sugarcube Corner and decided to make myself some lunch. Unfortunately, all we really had left in terms of lunch food was half a package of the ramen that comes in the green package and half a package full of the ramen that comes in the blue package.
In the pantry was a note from Mr. Cake which read, “Sorry Pinkie. We ran out of lunch supplies so you’ll have to make do with this until Mrs. Cake and I get back from the store with the twins.”
After reading the note I shrugged and took the two packages of ramen down from the top shelf of the pantry. Then I began to cook the noodles from the two packages in a pan on the stove. That is when I learned that when you combine green and blue ramen, you summon the dark lord Cthulhu from the underworld.
Here is the process of summoning an elder god that I learned from first hoof experience. Step one is to boil the ramen noodles from the two different packages in a medium sized pot. As the noodles boil they will start to scream. Their screams summon the dark lord Cthulhu from the underworld. He will appear in your kitchen and start waving his tentacles at you. He will demand the ramen as payment for being summoned, so you will give it to him.
Anyway, long story short, the dark lord took my ramen. So now I have to make another batch for myself, since I summoned an elder god from the underworld he ate my ramen as payment for the trouble.
So today I learned that if you mix the green and blue ramen together, you will summon the dark lord Cthulhu or another one of his Elder God friends. On the bright side, he promised to help me fix the downstairs toilet that Mr. Cake keeps putting off fixing because he has been too busy making deliveries for the shop. So Cthulhu is kind of hanging around making repairs to various things while I eat the new batch of ramen. It turns out he's pretty good at repairing stuff so I had him fix the squeaky door in the kitchen as well.
At the end of the day, I give this method of summoning an Elder God a 10/ 10, would summon with ramen again. Try it yourself one time if you need something repaired. All you need is some ramen that comes in the blue package and the green package and you are on the way to a better functioning home.
Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Story Five: Between A Rock And A Hard Place
Between A Rock And A Hard Place
Maud looked across the dinner table at her date. A few waiters stared at the odd couple curiously as they walked by but kept their thoughts to themselves.
Maud frowned at her partner at the table. After a few moments of silence she said, '"Boulder, I think we need to see other ponies. It's not you. It is me. I need a rock with more edge."
Boulder sat on his end of the table, atop a mountain of books. He didn't say anything in reply. Maud expected this. She signaled for a waiter so she could pay for the bill, and then she left the establishment alone, leaving Boulder alone with his thoughts.
The next day, Maud went on a picnic with her new love, Tom the Rock. They were enjoying eating some hey burgers under the sun. It wasn't long into their date when Boulder showed up on the scene. Or rather he was placed there by Pinkie Pie who noticed he had been left behind at the restaurant the night before and made sure to return him to Maud when she caught sight of her.
After Pinkie said a few words of greeting, she hopped off leaving Boulder behind. Maud let out a heavy sigh.
"I know you persuaded Pinkie to drop you off here. Listen, I'm dating Tom now so you just need...to leave.”
Maud turned slightly away from Boulder, hiding her emotions. Boulder didn't say anything for a few moments but then he faced Tom and said, "I don't know who you are, but you need to roll along. This mare is my special somepony! So just beat it already."
Tom yelled, "I'll never give Maud to you!" Before jumping at Boulder, posed to fight.
The two rocks rolled around for some time on the ground getting some good knocks in. Maud kept running to each of their side, trying to break up the fight, but she wasn't having much luck.
Finally, the fight ended with Boulder coming out on top. He looked up at Maud and said, "See baby? I can be edgy too."
He jumped into Maud's Hooves and the two made up on the spot. Maud turned to Tom after placing Boulder in her pocket and said, “I’m sorry Tom. You are a great rock and all. But I guess Boulder is the only rock who knows what I want.”
Tom nodded in understanding and Maud walked off into the distance with her one true love.
Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Story Six: Spike Goes To Pet School
Spike Goes To Pet School
Twilight took Spike by the claw and led him into the new school he was set to enroll in. Spike was less than amused. You see, Twilight had enrolled him at pet school. You know, one of those places where pets learn tricks like rolling over, sitting, and not peeing on the carpet. Spike sincerely hoped that Twilight had been joking the first time she told him about it, but unfortunately this didn't seem to be the case.
Twilight had tried desperately to get Spike enrolled at the Ponyville Schoolhouse, but due to the lack of understanding about dragons, she wasn't able to enroll him there. She tried a number of schools in many different towns and kingdoms all across Equestria, but no one would take dragon students in. They always muttered something about not having enough property damage insurance before quickly bringing the conversation to an end and hanging up the phone. Twilight was clearly getting nowhere with traditional methods.
Finally the only option she had left was pet school. It might not be a formal education, but at least Spike would learn something. Who knows? Maybe by learning all of those tricks Spike could become an acrobat in a traveling circus one day or even a stuntman who worked on movie sets. Twilight hoped he'd be a stuntman because that was a rad job in her opinion, even better than being a princess. I mean what did she do as the Princes of Friendship anyway? Just read books all day? And organize them if things were really slow? No, she wanted a life of action, adventure, and magic and she was going to live this life vicariously through her adopted son dang it.
So Spike was brought to pet school, along with all of the other pets of the mane six, and some pets of the background ponies but nobody cared about those because they belonged to main character wannabes. Spike went to pet school every day and trained real hard. He learned how to jump through hoops. He learned how to walk the tight rope. He learned how to jump over barrels and other items like chairs and cars. He encountered a few bullies here and there, like Lyra's pet pit bull which kept giving him some sass. But Twilight told him to stand up to his bullies with the law. So Spike served the pit bull with a restraining order and Lyra was forced to pull it from the campus.
It was a great victory for all dragons everywhere that day. Spike even wrote a book and got a movie deal about standing up to bullies in school with the legal system and not force. Anyways, after the book was written, the movie came out and since Spike was pretty much famous anyway, he graduated from pet school with honors. Much to Twilight's delight, he became a stuntman in films. He even joined a traveling circus for a while. Now Spike kind of has a permanent gig in Las Pegasus where he works as a full time acrobat in Circe De Mare. In an interview, Spike was quoted as saying that going to pet school was the best decision of his life, and he owes his enrollment all to his adopted guardian Twilight Sparkle.
Dragons started being allowed in schools over Equestria because of Spike's example. The headmasters figured that if a dragon could be a famous movie star or circus performer, then obviously they could do anything. This went rather well for the most part, although the occasional pony classmate was eaten by a hungry dragon now and then. It was usually just the problem students who got eaten though, so no one really cared. And Equestria, from that day on became one step closer to creating peace and harmony with everyone in the land.
Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Story Nine: Old Habits Die Hard
Old Habits Die Hard
As it so happened, Bulk Bicep's New Year's resolution lasted but a single hour. He had decided that this would finally be the year when he would stop saying 'yeah!' to everything every pony told him. This little habit of his was driving away clients from the spa he worked at as a massage therapist, potential girlfriends, and even his family didn't want to be around him for long periods of time. So BB decided that this was the year that he had to try using other words in his sentences. He started small by looking in the mirror and trying to talk to his reflection. But his reflection was kind of giving him a dirty look so he flexed his muscles menacingly at it and screamed, "Arrrr!" before running off. The next creature he tried to have a conversation with was Tom the Rock. Tom was the coolest rock in town. He wore shades as he sat around buildings. That's how you could tell he was one of the cool guys.
BB wanted to show his appreciation towards Tom so he walked up to him and winked. But Tom just kind of sat there, rocking his shades under the afternoon sun. Bulk Biceps shrugged. Tom was just like that sometimes. He could respect that. So he shot a double hoof point at Tom acknowledging his coolness before walking away. The next creature he tried out his skills on was Applejack. But perhaps the Element of Honesty wasn't the best pony to practice with because she kept on bringing up topics he'd have to agree with. Knowing that a 'yeah' might slip out at some point in their conversation, he nodded quickly and got the heck out of there mid conversation, leaving Applejack to scratch her head with one of her hooves and wonder why.
The last creature he tried out his new skills out on was Rainbow Dash. But this was not such a good idea either because Rainbow Dash kept on bringing up sport topics and hoofball play by plays. Mid way through talking about hoofball, Bulk Biceps couldn't take it anymore. He yelled a big, "Yeah!" and pumped his fists a few times open hearing that the Canterlot Dragons won the latest game. He immediately placed his hooves over his mouth when he realized his mistake, and ran off down the road towards his house, leaving a very confused Rainbow Dash behind.
When Bulk Biceps got home he let out a heavy sigh. It didn't look like he'd be able to stop his little habit after all. But he had some solace in knowing that he could always try again next year.
Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Story Two: A Bread Time Story
A Bread Time Story
One day I came home from a long day of training to become a Wonderbolt at the academy and noticed that something was off. It was an odd feeling, like I was being watched. I did a sharp turn and looked behind me, but I just caught my reflection in the hallway mirror. I winked at it for a moment and said, “Still looking awesome, Rainbow Dash” before carrying on to figure out just exactly what was going on.
That is when I saw a loaf of bread hovering above the kitchen counter. And that is when I knew that I had a bread ghost. You know; as in a ghost who haunts the bread. I let out a groan. Bread ghosts were near to impossible to get rid of. I mean sure; you could hire a zebra to do purification rituals and stuff. But that took months of constant visits and I just didn’t have the time to deal with all of that, what with my Wonderbolt Academy training schedule and all.
So I just sucked it up and resolved to live with the bread ghost. It wasn’t an easy task. One time when I was eating breakfast in the kitchen, it popped out of the loaf and went, 'Booo!'. And bread crumbs rolled down its eyes. Because it was a bread ghost. And it moved around like one of those huge wind sock puppet things that carriage dealers have outside of their shops for some reason that haunt your dreams when you think about them and totally don't want make you want a carriage, and it went, 'Wugga wugga wuuga'.
But I wasn't impressed by this bread ghost. So I said, "Hey bread ghost. How about you pay some rent? You've been living in this bread loaf for about two weeks now and all you do is make noise. Unless you go out and get a job, I'm going to have to kick you out. Pull your weight you lazy git."
And the ghost just kind of stared at me for a few minutes and then went 'poof'. I thought it went away, but it reappeared a few weeks later when I bought a new loaf of bread and said, "Blargggg!"
I rolled my eyes.
"Oh no, not this again," I said, looking for a fly swatter to hit it with.
But then I noticed that the bread ghost had placed some money on the counter. It had taken my advice and gotten a job. So I picked up the money, stuck it in my pocket, and shrugged.
And since that day the bread ghost still makes strange noises from the bread, but at least it pays its portion of the rent each month.
And we both lived strangely ever after. With bread that tasted strangely ghost-like.
Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Story Three: The Pancake Monster
The Pancake Monster
One time after a long day of playing at the club house with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, I came home and ate dinner. It just happened to be pancakes, since I requested that my mom make them for me when I got home. At some point during my meal, I accidently flung a piece of one of the pancakes off my fork. It flew through the air and rolled under the fridge. My mom thought she heard something so she turned around and asked, “Sweetie Belle, what was that noise I heard just now? It sounded like something got tossed under the fridge.” But I just gave her a sheepish grin and replied, “Oh it was nothing mom. It must have been your imagination.” So my mom shrugged and went back to cleaning up the mess she had made from cooking the pancakes.
Then exactly one week later I heard some strange noises coming from underneath the fridge. It sounded like something was gargling and growling underneath it. When I looked, I saw the piece of the pancake I had tossed underneath a week before. But now it was green, had sharp little fangs, and a pair of red beady little eyes. It let out a terrible yell and slithered out from underneath the fridge. When it caught sight of me, it begun to chase me around.
This went on for some time but then I realized something. The piece of pancake might have turned into a weird little monster, but it was a lot smaller than I was. It might be green and moldy but it was still a pancake. And pancakes are my favorite food in the entire world. So in honor of my love for all pancakes everywhere I stopped on my tracks and bravely faced the pancake monster. “I’m not scared of you!” I yelled, staring down the evil fiend. And then I reached out, grabbed the angry pancake monster, and I ate it in one giant gulp.
And that is how I defeated the evil pancake monster who was terrorizing my kitchen. Sometimes I feel a little bit sad when I think about how I ate it to stop its evil reign of terror. After all, it might have had a bright future if it hadn’t been carelessly tossed underneath the fridge. So that is why ever since that happened I am careful not to let any food escape from my plate when I am eating. I wouldn’t want to create any more food monsters by carelessly letting them fall onto the floor and leaving them to turn to a hardened life of crime.
Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Story Seven: A Blobby Love Tale
Story Seven: A Blobby Love Tale
The Smooze was in town blobbing about when he saw...the most beautiful creature he had ever seen in his life. It was round, and craggy, and crackly, and had faint crystals and...well, was everything a blob was looking for in a rock. He oozed over to Tom, smiling as he went. Tom remained motionless.
The Smooze said, "Bluurbable."
Tom didn't answer.
The Smooze scratched its head and said, "Gernsgfdj brudn."
Tom remained unfazed.
About the time, Pinkie Pie hopped by. She saw the Smooze looking kind of sad, so she hopped up to him asked, "What's wrong Smoozy?"
The Smooze said, "Blurbageh."
Pinkie Nodded in understanding.
"Oh I see. Love can be a tough thing. I think Tom just needs some time to get to know you."
Tom remained still.
The Smooze sighed.
"Brudhfjg," Smoozy said, oozing away sadly.
Pinkie Pie rubbed her chin in thought, then looked at Tom. She noticed that Tom was sleeping.
"Oh, that explains some things," she said, running to catch up with the Smooze.
When she caught up she explained everything and the Smooze decided to try again when Tom was awake. Tom responded to The Smooze's affections and agreed to go to a movie later that week.
Everyone beside Pinkie, on the other hand, had no idea how a blob thing could be dating a rock. But no one questioned it because they didn't want to be rude. And from that day forward The Smooze and Tom The Rock lived happily ever after, except for the occasional fights about who got to play the WII U.
Totally Pointless Pony Tales
Rusty Nails
Twilight felt around the walls of her castle library, her tongue stuck out of her mouth part way as she felt around the shelves.
Spike came around the corner, an eyebrow raised in confusion at what Twilight was doing.
He walked up beside her and asked, "What are you looking for?"
Twilight didn't pause to look at Spike and simply answered, "Rusty nails."
"Rusty nails?" Spike answered, still confused.
"Yes," Twilight said, continuing to feel along the shelves, "Rusty nails."
"But why?"
Twilight paused momentarily as if to gather her thoughts.
She picked up where she left off, feeling along the book shelf and said, "They are what did this to me."
"Did what?" asked Spike, starting to feel uneasy.
Twilight let out deep, slow laugh. She slowly turned her head around to reveal a pair of glowing green eyes, a mouth filled with sharp teeth, and matted fur.
"They are what made me, into THiS."
Then her body slowly turned green and started to gather into flames around her, to make her appear as if she was made of fire.
Spike let out a scream and ran out of the library, never turning once to look back.
When Spike was out of sight, Twilight let out a chuckle and returned to her original, normal form.
She picked up a spell book on transformations off of a nearby table and said, "I knew this would come in handy one day. That will teach Spike to play pranks on me when I'm trying to study."
She continued to laugh to herself as she went about tidying up her work space.
She would let Spike think about what he had done for a while before she went after him and explained things.
For now, it was just her, books, and hours of bother-free organization. Who could ask for more?
