Soulful Soliloquies and Vague Visitations
Twilight Sparkle levitated in mid-air, sorting through ever so many books at the castle library, magic engulfing the manuscripts.
"Which castle?" she asked aloud, not even sure of her location anymore. "Didn't I have a castle manifesting from the tree of harmony?"
Twilight shrugged indifferently. All libraries were beautiful in her eyes, all founts of knowledge.
“Yes, I love this place so much.” she chuckled, twisting about as she guided books to and from shelves. “Every subject imaginable, with countless points of views and re-tellings. Oh, so much to catalogue!”
Twilight giggled, fluttering back and forth between cases, levitating up parchments and manuscripts, eagerly reading through them at astonishingly rapid pace, ever hungry for more knowledge.
“I could stay here forever!” Twilight squealed, spreading her wings in joy, wearing a massive grin.
A sudden seriousness fell over her, the sparkle in her eyes growing dim. Twilight set aside most of the ancient scrolls, sighing softly.
One blank scroll remained hovering beside her, crinkling with a familiar scratchy sound as she unfurled it. A quill pen drew up near her ear, a huge soft feather of light purple as her wings were. She found it strange, how she never seemed to run out of wing feathers for quills.
Looking up at the tall bookcases within the palace, Twilight marvelled at the many histories, summaries, diaries, encyclopaedias, studies, stories, tales, and legends still remained to be learned!
Looking back over her shoulder, she peered through an immensely tall window, enjoying the serene bounty of nature down bellow: rolling forests, mountains, clouds, endless plains. It all seemed very far away, as though the library was high in the sky.
“Oh, so many worlds within, and without," Twilight sighed wistfully.
Twilight stared at the quill on her hoof then, concentrating, then frowning, a tear forming at her eye. “Why is it so difficult for me to write though?” she wondered aloud. “Is it because I am too... too perfectionist? I can relax and focus to write!”
Twilight Sparkle was all alone, just her in the colossal castle library. Nonetheless she felt a strange breeze, as though a draft swept across the shelves. "I wonder what's causing it?” She stared at her levitating, gently hovering feathers. “So much to conceptualize. I seem to hover within these cold corridors just fine though,” she sighed, uncertain of her predicament.
There were many possible circumstances though. Being a princess of magic meant nearly anything became possible. “Why write at all? I'm living a story after all, aren't I?" Twilight grumbled. "The story of this world, the story of my life. I may as well read others' tales, instead!”
She closed her eyes, leaning back against the edge of the window pane, gazing into the endless sea of books, then turning to look once more into the endless blurry green plains outside. Or were those the trees? From this distance it made little difference.
"Fiction never seems my forte, forever analytical," she chuckled aloud. “What am I to do though? To be part of a story and also alive at the same time, that's how it feels!
"Why can I not find peace in here," she muttered, hooves trembling. "Why do this strange pattern of contentment, confusion and loss keep happening?!”
Twilight suddenly shuddered and dropped to the ground, weeping wretchedly. “I'm so alone. I have been alone for so long in this place... this prison of knowledge.” she whimpered, full of aching sorrow, desperate to have connection to somepony, anypony. “It's been so long, and I am just so tired.”
Twilight imagined writing her own story in her own mind's eye, trying to find the answer, browsing through and compiling her self-analytical research mentally.
Then she remembered her parchment and quill again, bringing them close, like sacred treasures, ready to wield.
“Okay. I hold myself in... reasonable esteem," Twilight chuckled reassuringly. "I believe myself to be astute and fairly aware of existence. Yet I also keep yearning and struggling for something more intentional, more spiritual, more magical. Friendship... or more...”
Twilight shook her head, scowling bitterly. “But it always turns out this way in the end, doesn't it? I become frustrated and lock myself away.” Twilight Sparkle pressed her head against a bookshelf. “Now I have become a prisoner. Why must fate be cruel? Or have I simply forgotten how to weave my own destiny.,,”
She looked down at her hoof with a sigh, suddenly remembering a hand mirror she had left at a nearby coffee table. Whooshing the mirror with magic, Twilight gazed into her own exhausted, sad, weary eyes.
“Oh!" She exclaimed, somewhat surprised. "There there, Twilight Sparkle,” she muttered gently to her reflection, relieved to see compassion in those eyes reflecting back still. “You can get through this. You have the power. You can do this.. but.... you must find how.” she put down the mirror again, sprawling against the floor, gazing outside.
Twilight Sparkle resided in an eternal library, levitating above the beautiful plains and mountains of this world. It was a tranquil paradisical plane, shimmering with waterfalls and wildlife. She was glad for the scenic view, a form of relaxing visuals she could not control.
The library was, in fact, inter-dimensional and metaphysical in nature, a sanctuary of knowledge, a prison of enlightenment.
Twilight scribbled furiously on the parchment, or at least she made the motions. “Did I seal myself in here for a time, or am I trapped for some purpose, or some punishment?” she gasped at that last notion.
“Why is it difficult to remember? Have I forgotten everything? I seem to forget quite a bit,” she fretted. “I must not forget myself though, because I am all I have... for now..” she sighed.
She pondered her form, gazing upon her hooves, her swishing tail. “Why this? Why not another?” she giggled. “Oh, to think I would think such things now. Should I transform myself?”
“No.” she breathed softly, stepping down the hallway. The sunlight of the beautiful natural paradise outside shone through all the books, highlighting titles and beautiful cover decorations. “No. I must remain as I am. My form is part of me too.” She continued to scribble down, suddenly stopping, staring at the parchment.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I see. So, maybe I can organize my thoughts better through writing after all.
So, I am bored. I am tired. I am lonely. I am sad. I miss having company.
My own is good, I must admit. It would have to be, or I'd have gone mad.
But if I'd gone mad, then I wouldn't be coherent anymore.
Is it plausible my coherency has diminished without my knowing?
Regardless, though. What I want most of all, is to feel....
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Twilight hesitated, speaking aloud. “Feel loved? But what about loving in return. Have I forgotten how to do that, how to give love, is that the problem?”
Gritting her teeth, she tossed the pen away, glaring at the library shelves towering all around her, filled to capacity with stories and knowledge.
“Is that such a problem?! Well I can't help that there's no-one else here! What's wrong with wanting to feel the affection of another living being, anyway?!” she screamed, her amethyst horn glowing brightly, “Just because I love being alone too!” she accused the manuscripts, squinting as she took aim, firing a blast of powerful angry energy, trying to incinerate the nearest column of books with her horn. The magic seemed to disappear into nothingness.
Twilight Sparkle laughed softly, amused. “Yes, of course I would be sure these are protected. Of course I would disable any dangerous magic. I have surely threatened these bookshelves many times, through many rants. I have surely sealed myself in this place on purpose, for a time I cannot perceive, for a reason I have forgotten.”
She contemplated the alternative, “No, I couldn't possibly have been trapped here by another. Not for any malevolent reason anyway. Anyone with the power to encase a library around me would know better.”
Twilight gazed out the window again, the faint call of birds in the wind, the lush green blur beneath filling her with joy. “It's not trying to break my habit of books. I enjoy the outdoors just fine. Why would I purposefully push myself to hate one over the other? No.”
Her powerful mind kept wracking, contemplating, meditating, as she began to hover again, eyes closed. “I cannot make any horrible assumptions yet, either. This may be a place outside time and space. It may be a dream. It may be the future, or even the past. I cannot worry myself with such possibilities. I can address and overcome them as they arise. But for now...”
Twilight took a deep breath, pushing out her wings. “I must focus, and figure out why I'm here. There must be a reason.”
She focused deeply, writing now on five scrolls simultaneously, using her own soft purple feather quills, in five different languages, dragon and unicorn and gryphon alike, and two more she wasn't sure about, or when she learned them, even as she knew she perfectly transcribed them.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My self-awareness, my knowledge, my abilities.
If I even make a rough estimate on the potential time I've spent here, feasting upon the enlightenment of written word, and apparently being finding actual sustenance unnecessary...
In any case, it would only be somewhat arrogant to surmise I have one of the most powerful minds and magical capabilities across most realities by now.
Wow, did I really say that? Or write that? I feel a bit meek for suggesting it. I don't like to boast, ever. Yet still...
Is this all this is? Self-imposed training to be a Goddess of Knowledge? Why? Is Friendship and Magic not enough?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Twilight suddenly flinched in mid-air, slamming bodily against the window as she crashed. “So much pain. I have so much grief. So much sorrow. Is that all due to loneliness?”
She struggles to a kneeling position, looking out into the horizon now, the sun slowly setting behind a cloud.
“I am certain now no-one else could have done this to me other than myself. None of my enemies are this subtle... this poetic with irony. None of my friends could've done this either. Nor would my sisters.”
Twilight felt a strong stirring inside, suddenly remembering them. “Yes. My sisters. Why do my thoughts go to them?” she wondered aloud.
Manifesting in her mind's eye: her beloved teacher, Princess Celestia, always nurturing and guiding. Her confidant of darkness, Princess Luna, mysterious and passionate.
“Princess Cadance!” Twilight cried out, wings unfurled, staring at the glowing form, hovering on the other side of the window, pressing her soft pink hooves against the glass, eyes filled with longing.
“Please come back, Twilight!” Cadance implored, leaning against the glass. “I miss you so much, sister.”
“I want to, I miss you too!” Twilight cried out, smacking her hoofs piteously against the glass. “Please, help me!”
Cadance nodded. “You shall be free!” she declared, pulling back, before swooping down at the glass... and smacking against it with a loud oof, flying lopsided and dizzy in mid air, wincing.
“I'm sorry!” Twilight blurted out. “Are you hurt?”
Cadance spread her wings wide, a faint glow in her chest. “Why did you do this to yourself?” Cadance demanded, gritting her teeth. “Trapping yourself in this potent magic shield! This is cruel!”
Twilight quickly considered whether she was hallucinating. It was possible. She would continue to address Cadance with courteous familiarity nonetheless.
“I'm sorry, Cadance, but I haven't entirely remembered the details of my actions. Did I simply seal myself in this plane of knowledge?”
“Yes, Twilight. This is your doing.” Cadance glared, crossing her forearms. “Why? You can't say you didn't even suspect the pain you'd have to go through. I've watched you suffer like this for so long, it's unbearable!”
Twilight said very gently, “I'm sorry, but I'm certain you aren't real.” she felt shame at this soft accusation, looking away. “It just doesn’t make sense why you would be out there. I don't want to go into all the explanations as to why though.”
Twilight manifested her scrolls again, writing her feelings.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The princess of love knows suffering more than any other.
Yet, Cadance would not give in to such pain, no matter what.
She knows how to focus on the joy and hope in life, even in the coldest hour.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Cadance took a deep breath, pressing a hoof to her chest and sighed, smiling. Leaning against the window again, she waited, until Twilight pressed her hooves too, letting them match. “Even the purest of love is not invincible to pain,” she responded softly, still audible behind the impervious glass. “Yes, I am real. For I am the Cadance in your heart.”
The alicorn of love tapped the glass right at Twilight's chest. “You are in Cadance's heart as well. We are sisters for all eternity, after all, and we must carry each other, no matter what happens.” Her eyes shimmered through the glass, beaming with adoration.
Twilight's eyes shimmered, eyes lowered. It was then she realized she had already stained this window with tears, residue and marks left there, from the many times before. A favored location for sorrow. “I am so sorry. You shouldn't bear this pain too.”
Cadance shrugged casually. "Hey, if it's for you, I'm completely up for it. Besides, having dramatic adventures is kinda our style, isn't it?" she gave a wild grin.
Twilight couldn't help but stifle a giggle.
Cadance leaned over, eyes glowing with loving peace, “Do not feel sorrow. Instead feel joy, for I still love you and wait for you, sweet sister, and love is the most sacred magic of all...” she breathed with gentle sweetness, leaning over to nuzzle against the window...
Twilight leaned forward, pressing her snout tip against the glass, sighing in happy relief, so glad to have Cadance with her now!
But the pink alicorn's muzzle faded, her form glowing brightly... and within moments, she was gone.
Twilight crouched down against the window, wings wrapped around her body. She sat like that for a long time, until the moonlight shone through the window. But even she could not tell whether it was mere moments or hours.
The moon's glow was bright, giving plentiful sight for more writing, manifesting the several scrolls once more.
She wrote in multiple languages simultaneously out of habit now, having developed a perchance for such, whether note taking, story writing, or diary filling.
Walking into the forest of shelves, she wandered aimlessly, more interested in writing than reading for once, not minding as the shadows grew longer away from the moonlit windows.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
With Cadance's sudden appearance, I was consumed with relief and joy.
With her sudden disappearance, I almost faded away into despair once more, having tasted the joy of contact for but brief moments.
Yet, it is still technically a part of me, not Cadance herself.
Yet, she said we are connected this way. Why is that?
Does this help me complete my task here? Yet, I grow tired of not knowing.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“It's infuriating!” Twilight snapped, her scrolls instantly disappearing again with sparkling magic. She took a deep breath, pushing out the energy.
“I must acknowledge my negative emotions,” Twilight breathed softly to herself, “But I must have control of them too. They are certainly not doing me any good here.”
A sudden darkness filled the hallways, a creeping dread Twilight could barely fathom. 'What now?” she whispered.
Painfully familiar eyes glowed at the long end of the hallway, a billowing cloud of darkness spreading around her body: Nightmare Moon. “You should give in to fear. It is the most true and honest feeling of all,” she laughed viciously, slowly approaching, a great distance away, yet painfully close.
Twilight stood her ground, glaring. “I am not afraid of you anymore!” she announced.
“No?” came a familiar voice, the creature of nightmares having teleported a few shelves forward. “How about now?” she asked, moonlight piercing through between the shelves, revealing a tall dark purple mare, elongated and eerie, a smile in her eyes. Nightmare Twilight.
“Stop. Don't come any closer,” Twilight demanded, trembling. “Why am I afraid of you?” she demanded, becoming angry and worried.
Nightmare laughed aloud, rearing back, before breaking into a mad dash, crackling darkness pouring from her, a thousand screaming voices echoing down the halls, the books falling and tumbling off the shelves as she passed.
Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes and focused, writing.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO MY FEAR!
YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The deafening roars and screams stopped, and Twilight chanced a peek.
Luna stood before her, glowing with the moonlight, her mane twinkling with a thousand stars.
She put a hoof to her chest, gazing intently into Twilight Sparkle.
“Do not ever forget: you are dangerous, immensely so. You have such terrible power, awful strength.” She took a step forward, ignoring Twilight's guilty eyes and flinching muscles, drawing away from Luna. “You can become a nightmare for so many!”
Luna smiled, reaching out to Twilight. “Yet, you have overcome your inner darkness, far more than I ever have. It is a part of you, but you are its master.”
Twilight frowned, annoyed and stressed. “I know you were making a point or something, but was that really necessary?”
Luna laughed beautifully, winking slyly, Twilight unable to resist a blush. “You seemed to need some perspective. Do not hold yourself with such harsh accountability. That is something you've already taught me, long ago. To forgive.”
Twilight smiled at that. "Oh yeah, I did, huh?"
“I only hope I have been of some aid in your quest, Twilight,” Luna declared, seriousness to her tone, a stern expression of longing. “To see you in flesh once more, is something I look forward to, and I will do everything I can to aid you!”
Twilight beamed, reaching out to touch Luna's hoof... only to find her form fading away.
“Another piece of their hearts, sealed within in mine,” she whispered gently.
Twilight stood for a time, contemplating, digesting the insight bestowed upon her by the princess of love and princess of moon.
The princess of magic sighed deeply. “Alright. Onwards then,” and with that, resolve shone in her eyes once more, heading into the depths of the eternal bookshelves.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Two elder alicorn sisters had paid the littlest magic one a visitation.
Yet the eldest remained hidden.
Where was she now?
What insight would she bestow?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As Twilight focused on her levitating transcriptions, she continued trotting through the library at a leisurely pace, an endless journey.
Skylights overhead showed the sky become dawn become day become dusk become day. She walked for a few hours, then a few days.
She had written a tome of musings and thoughts by then.
“Perhaps more focus,” Twilight contemplated.
She swept open her wings, and took to the air, flapping with steady beats, her speed vastly increased as she soared through the library.
Yet still, the journey felt like eternity.
Endless blurring of knowledge.
Forever.
Until, the bookshelves began to blur around her, to reshape and reform, contorting into new physical form... having become tall trees, reaching out into the sky.
She landed, on the rustling leafy undergrowth, leaping over roots, ducking under branches, on and on, gasping for breath.
The vegetation choked at her, enshrouded her, urging to be lost in the woods forever, to surrender to the rich green magic of life all around her.
Until, she burst out into an open meadow. Lush and beautiful and serene. A rushing river hurried along nearby, crickets chirping in the grass, birds whistling in the bushes dotting the landscape, flowers bursting with color everywhere.
Was she on the world bellow the library? She looked in the sky, and could not see it.
Was she back in Equestria?
She felt she had escaped, until her eyes beheld Celestia, standing tall and imposing before her.
The hypnotic waving mane, always levitating on its own, like its own soft comforting dimension. The expression of collected serenity.
Celestia did nothing and said nothing, but stared into the eyes of her most faithful student, transfixed.
The two stood there for a time, regarding one another.
Twilight decided to speak up, a few days later.
“You are beautiful as always, Celestia,” she declared, surprised at her new-found confidence in her teacher's presence. “Tell me, have I completed my test yet?”
Celestia smiled at that, tilting her head to one side. “Why must it always be a test? Perhaps you only wanted to continue building your knowledge, or study something of great importance. If there is any test involved, it is of your own design.”
Twilight sighed softly. “I suppose that's true. You're not my teacher anymore after all.
Celestia nodded. “It is up to you alone to break your own seal, Twilight Sparkle. When, and only when, you are truly ready.”
Celestia paused, hesitating, before then leaning over, gazing down at Twilight, eyes shimmering like her mane. “I miss you dearly.”
Twilight blushed in acknowledgement. “I miss all of you too. Still...” she sighed, turning aside. “I feel like I've lost my way. Why do you still trust me?”
Celestia spread her wings, raising them up with the radiant sun. “Because you believe in what is right and what is good. Because you are a worthy protector and guardian. You give us all great joy.”
Twilight shook her head. “I feel like I've heard these things before. You always have such faith in me, Celestia.”
Celestia giggled. “At our age, much of what we experience becomes shades of repetition. It is the heart and the perspective of the moment that matters most.”
Twilight contemplated this insight. “Okay, I feel like I'm getting somewhere now.”
“I have eternal faith in your ability, Twilight. You must trust yourself, as I trust you.” Celestia's eyes shone with conviction.
Twilight felt Celestia's mane brush so close to her, reaching to touch.
But she was gone, fading away into the sunlight.
Immediately, Princess Twilight Sparkle manifested a quill and scroll, writing intensely.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
To be a self-imposed hermit is madness, but it is also enlightenment, endurance training, sanity compiling.
And so forth.
My mind is always awake and alive. I am glad to be... to be myself.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Twilight suddenly stopped, clutching her hooves to her chest, tearing up again. “Tired of this pain,” she muttered bitterly.
She focused once more, sitting in the tall soft grass.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It just saddens me to be so alone. It is delightful to be with my own thoughts, but so lonely.
In another time and place, I perhaps would've happily wandered the halls of knowledge for all eternity.
But I crave contact too. The truth is, no matter how much I love time to myself and my books, I am not born into a particularly solitary species.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Maybe I should've been,” she says aloud, finding herself by one of the scenic library windows again. “Then I can say I'm living happily ever after. But no, even the most solitary hermit needs contact. That can't be the only thing I came here to understand, can it?”
She lifted quill to parchment once more.
“Does this really help? Maybe. But its the best I can do, for now,” she decided.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Once upon a time, there lived a little pony named Twilight Sparkle.
This pony had many neurosis and poor social skills, but she still knew what love and friendship were.
So why had she trapped herself in such a predicament, to never find it again?
Why did she think mostly of the alicorns, and not others dear to her heart?
Do I need to find comfort in just my own company, a sense of inner peace? I think I may have done so, but...
This is so exhausting.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Such an awkward place to postpone the story. But at least it is being told.” she closed her eyes and smiled.
“I will have faith in myself,” she decided.
She spread her wings wide, painting beautiful star constellations and oceans across her minds eye.
“I deserve a little relaxation. I will not forget my contemplations. I will not loop forever.”
She gazed at her faint reflection in the window.
“May I find peace, so that my gifts of knowledge can go beyond this sanctum, into the worlds beyond.”
She closed her eyes, and drifted away, lulled by her meditations, learning to cherish her own heart, too.
Three ancient timeless creatures looked over Twilight from afar, and from within, watching over her, in what little ways they could.
A voice came gently in Twilight's dreams, carried by their willpower, their hearts, and their minds: 'We love you, Twilight Sparkle'.
It was enough to soothe her dreams, tranquil and serene.
Author's Note
This story has evolved into a mid-quel dream between chapters 4 & 5 of The Quest for Everfree Enlightenment.
Reading the full quest storyline is optional, though!
