Fallout: Lavender Wastelander

Nick Valentine held a mug of coffee in his exposed-metal hand. Sure, he was a synth and didn’t need to eat, but it was nice to have a cup of joe and another smoke as he listened to one of the wildest tales he had ever heard.

Colonel Sparkle’s explanation would have been unbelievable were it not for the simulation having a mythical Greek monster in the back of the mess tent cooking bacon and eggs. If that hadn’t been enough evidence, Dr. Braun and Sergeant Dornan corroborating Colonel Sparkle’s statements about the existence of Equestria were enough.

Sergeant Dornan had been the last person to appear, and had done so in a suit of power armor rather than army greens. Besides confirming the existence of Equestria, she had also confirmed the pre-war rumors of the ‘Enclave’ were true.

“And that’s when you all started to appear,” Colonel Sparkle said, finishing her explanation before scarfing down a few bites of scrambled eggs.

Introductions had already been made. Colonel Sparkle wasn’t a Colonel at all, but she looked more like a Colonel than she did a Princess. Thin body, gaunt face with slightly sunken eyes, but not lacking in energy. Despite being on the wrong end of some bad business—leg brace on her right leg, a shortened finger on her left hand—the dame was all smiles and friendliness.

“So, I guess we’re stuck here until we finish this, huh?” Veronica Santiago asked sarcastically through a mouthful of grits and bacon. She had refused to take off her power fist, so she ate entirely with her left hand. She wiped her lips with the sleeve of her uniform. “If I’m going to help you take the city, then there is something about me you need to know. I’m from the Mojave Chapter of the Brotherhood of Steel.”

Nick Valentine caught the glare from Sergeant Dornan. He may not have been able to see the woman’s face through her dented and dinged-up power helmet, but her posture and body language were clear tells.

“How are they doing?” Twilight asked, leaning in. “Here in The Capital Wasteland, things weren’t going too good for a time.”

“Well,” Veronica sighed, “Whatever’s going down on the East Coast sounds about as wild as the last few years we’ve had with the New California Republic moving into the area. At least the East Coast chapter is still doing something. We’re hiding in a bunker with our tails between our legs after… nevermind.”

Veronica shook her head and went back into digging into her food. Nick recognized it as a clear sign of avoidance. Something bad had happened, and Veronica didn’t want to talk about it. Nick wondered what it was, but wouldn’t pry. She wasn’t a client for his detective agency, or a subject of investigation. He wasn’t going to go rooting through her life with inappropriately personal questions like Piper would have. Any day now that journalist was going to have her mouth run faster than her wits.

The speaker in Sergent Dornan’s power helmet crackled as she mocked spitting. “I don't know which is worse. That my leave is interrupted by this shit, the NCR hasn’t collapsed in on itself yet, or I’m going to be working with the Brotherhood of Steel.”

“You don’t hear me complaining about working with a genocidal goon,” Veronica muttered under her breath before attacking a piece of toast like a rabid dog.

Sergeant Dornan glared at Veronica and growled a low, bassy note before shooting to her feet, the damaged power armor creaking. “I think I’d be offended if I knew what that meant. Should I?”

Veronica made to stand, but Twilight slammed her hand down onto the table hard enough it rattled everyone’s cafeteria trays.

“Hey!” Twilight snapped. “We’re going to have to work together to get out of this. The safeties are turned off, so if we die here, our real bodies go into cardiac arrest. No fighting each other, please.”

Sergeant Dornan kept her visor locked on Veronica, before finally relenting and sitting back down.

“Fine,” she grumbled. “But some of us don’t have a heart to stop—” Sergeant Dornan gestured to Nick, who frowned. He knew what was coming next. “—like some people here.”

“This ‘some people’ has a name, and it’s Nick Valentine,” Nick said, unphased by Dornan’s brutishness. He was used to people staring by now. He sipped on his cup of coffee. "If we're being more open with each other, then I'll tell you exactly what I am. I’m a prototype synth from the Commonwealth. The Institute shoved the recorded memories of a pre-war detective into me before tossing me out in the trash.”

Nick chuckled mirthlessly. Waking up in a ditch in the Commonwealth two-hundred years after the real Nick Valentine had died with a brand new face had been a nightmare for the first few months. But Nick had eventually adapted.

“And if I die here, I’m honestly not sure if it would kill me or not," Nick said, shrugging. "Technology can be temperamental, so I’d rather not risk it.”

“Nor vould I,” Dr. Braun said. Everyone with knowledge from before the war knew of Dr. Braun, one of the heads of Vault Tec. Sure, she wasn’t a household name like Robert House of RobCo, but with the war looming on the horizon, Vault Tec had been on everyone's mind.

It was only after the bombs fell that people realized the Vaults that Dr. Braun had helped design were giant death-traps.

“I've vorked vith simulations before, and as Herr Nick stated, it is a temperamental technology, especially vith the enchanted parts ve vere adding into the simulations here. It could delete me upon death.” She then looked at Nick and smiled. It was a genuine smile, not the look of a narcissistic sociopath like he’d expected after all of the rumors. “I vould like to ask, are there any synths with blank memory banks? Perhaps there is a way out for myself and my vault’s residents.”

Nick caught Twilight perking up and paying more attention to them than her food.

“I don’t know. The Institute isn’t keen on sharing,” Nick said, scratching his chin before taking another sip of coffee. He didn’t need it to stay awake, and actually couldn't even taste it. It was just an old habit left over from the man whose memories Nick had swirling around in his head.

“So,” Veronica started, “taking an entire city is going to be one hell of a challenge with only six of us.”

“You’d be surprised how much can get done in Equestria with only six people,” Twilight said with sheer confidence and enthusiasm that Nick didn’t feel. He had to agree with Veronica. Taking a whole city with so few people would be a tall order.

“Just one pilot and their wingman can change a battle,” Pearl—the white-haired older woman—agreed with a grandmotherly smile.

“You’re a pilot?” Nick asked, arching an eyebrow. “I thought pilots were an extinct species after the bombs.”

“They were, but the Boomers want to bring back the tradition,” Pearl said. “I’m one of their leaders. We’re from Vault 34, originally, but now we’re in Nellis Air Force Base. I was in a flight simulator when I was pulled here.”

So, not all of the Vaults were deathtraps after all.

“Fascinating,” Dr. Braun said. “I think I remember the plans for your Vault. It vas home to a massive armory, and everyone in the Vault could own a veapon, correct?”

The Vaults were ineffective deathtraps.

“Yes,” Mother Pearl said, both nodding and frowning. “But the damn Overseer wouldn’t let us keep our guns, which is why most of us left. Haven’t heard a word from the old place in years. It doesn’t help that we fire artillery at anything that so much as steps a toe within a mile of our perimeter.”

“As a scout that’s been on the receiving end once, your people have one hell of a gated community,” Veronica said with a shake of her head.

“As much as I enjoy conversation, and I hate to be a stick in the mud,” Nick said, setting down his now-empty mug. “But with how unreliable technology is, maybe the sooner we get at this, the better? I’d hate to meet my maker because some two-century old server crapped out on us. Do you have a plan to get us out of this jam, Miss Sparkle?”

The four others around the table looked at her expectantly.

“I do, Mr. Valentine, and Twilight will do just fine,” she said with a smile as she turned to Dr. Braun. “Did you notice that we’re all humans in Equestria?”

“Now that you mention it, ve should be ponies if we’re on this side of the portal,” Dr. Braun replied, scratching the back of her head. “But if this is a vork of speculative fiction set in 2088, then the programmers assumed the formula for my serums vould be perfected, allowing full humans in Equestria or Ponies on Earth.”

“So you’re suggesting we take some medicine and turn into things like the cat-bird over there?” Pearl asked, pointing to the gryphon cook. “Will it work on Nick? He doesn't exactly look biological.”

"Who knows?” Nick said, "When I'm hurt, I reach for a toolbox rather than a Stimpak, but we’re inside of a simulation and literal magic is involved. I give it a fifty-fifty shot. Dr. Braun, you worked with simulations before, what do you think?"

“Magic is very adaptive,” Dr. Braun said. “I’m curious as to vhat the simulation vill decide to turn you into since the program is likely based off DNA samples from my first contact vith Equestria. If it goes off vhat it thinks ve should be, I’ll turn into a gryphon.”

“I guess I’ll have to take your word on it, Doc,” Nick said.

“So, what are we doing, ultimately?" Sergeant Dornan grumbled. “Turn into a bunch of ponies and walk into Canterlot?”

“Something like that,” Twilight answered with a smile.

<>~<>~<>

It was a short walk to the medical tent. Twilight took the lead, following instructions given to her by one of the cooks.

The interior of the tent smelled of antiseptic and heavy cleaning chemicals. It was exactly what Twilight expected a hospital to smell like. Partitions blocked sightlines around most of the tent, separating the single large room of the tent into dozens of tiny rooms for individual sickbeds.

A human woman wearing an army uniform and doctor’s coat greeted them. Twilight didn’t know what their gold bar rank pin meant.

“Hello, Colonel Sparkle,” Mirian said. At least that was her name according to her tag which Twilight glanced at as Mirian saluted her. “What brings you to my medical tent?”

“Do you have transformation serums?” Twilight asked as she returned the salute and quickly dropped it. Mirian dropped her salute as well. “I need my team and I to be ponies for an important mission.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Mirian snapped off in a crisp reply. “I’ll go get them right away.”

Twilight smiled warmly and shook Mirian's hand, thanking her.

As the doctor stepped away, Twilight heard Veronica chuckle.

“Well that was easy,” she said.

"Being polite can open many doors," Twilight said, smiling. The plan was coming together nicely. She turned to face Sergeant Dornan, and braced herself for what she was about to ask. “Could you get out of your power armor, please?”

“I’m not leaving my father’s power armor behind,” Sergeant Dornan said heatedly. Twilight knew the relic was personal to her, even in a simulation. According to Sergeant Dornan, her father had died wearing that same suit. It was dented and banged up, and creaked as she walked. Not good for a stealth mission.

Twilight was about to make a counterpoint as to why it was important to leave it behind, but Sergeant Dornan said something that Twilight had never expected to hear from the aggressive soldier.

“Please?” she whispered. "It's all I have left of him."

Twilight worked her jaw several times as her brain processed what had transpired. Then Veronica only added to the confusion as she joined Sergeant Dornan’s side and faced Twilight.

“I mean,” Veronica said slowly, waving her powerfist around. “We could use some heavy armor if things go wrong. If we’re taking a vehicle to Canterlot, we can just throw her under a sheet, right? The transformation potions transform the clothes we’re wearing, don’t they? Or am I going to have to get naked around strangers?”

“They do transform most clothes,” Dr. Braun said. “But ve’ve never tested it vith power armor… then again, the power armor ve sent through the portal vorked fine.” She cupped her chin and hummed. “It vould be a risk, but the benefits may outveigh the danger.”

With most of the group on Sergeant Dornan’s side with the issue, Twilight relented. They had made some good points. She had considered going without the armor under her greatcoat so she could blend in, but if the Equestrian army was supplied with human equipment, then maybe they would be able to slip by dressed as soldiers regardless. She would have to check with the quartermaster to see if there were any Equestrian Army uniforms in stock for a disguise.

“So, how confident are you with this stealth mission of yours?” Nick asked.

“Have any of you ever heard of Fortresses and Freaks?” Twilight asked.

“Ooh, I love zhat game,” Dr. Braun said so excitedly that her voice briefly slipped back to male. She blushed and shook her head, and her voice returned to female. “Sorry… but yes, I love F and F. I vas a guest for a few sessions vith the dev team that likely made this simulation. I played Vagner, the flying lizard vizard.”

It was sounding more and more like what Spike had described to her when she had asked him once what he, Discord, and Big Macintosh got up to on the weekends.

“If the developers of the simulation made this anything like Ogres and Oubliettes, then the developers likely left us multiple paths,” Twilight said. General Chase had said that formulating the plan for taking the city would be ‘at her discretion’. The nod from Dr. Braun redoubled Twilight’s confidence in the mission she’d planned.

Twilight could hear the footsteps of the doctor growing louder as she made her way back to them. It was time to put all their theories to the test.

<>~<>~<>

Twilight watched the snow-covered Equestria below as she rode through the sky in the back of a large wagon pulled by Pearl and Dr. Braun. Pearl had been overjoyed to be a pegasus, and Twilight occasionally heard a giggle or an ‘oh my god I can’t believe this’ from her every few minutes. Additionally, Dr. Braun had been correct in her assessment that the simulation would turn her into a gryphon rather than a unicorn.

Veronica sat on Twilight’s left, idly calibrating her powerfist with a screwdriver while humming a tune that Twilight couldn’t follow. The melody kept changing like a radio playlist set to randomly shuffle. Nick was on Twilight’s other side, adjusting the boots hiding his metal and plastic legs. Veronica, Nick, and Twilight rode on one side to offset the weight of Sergeant Dornan, who lay on the floor of the other side of the cart. A sheet had been draped over the armored bulk of the sergeant to conceal their stash of weapons and combat armor, Veronica’s powerfist the sole exception.

"Your country is beautiful," Nick said, finished with his boots. Like Twilight, he had turned into a unicorn, though his body had remained a mix of plastic and metal. The off-white, almost beige color to his skin and his lack of hair made him look like a ponyquin come to life. That look had been Twilight’s inspiration to accessorize him during her second visit to the quartermaster.

Snow boots, a winter jacket, scarf, sunglasses, and black stetson hat helped hide his robotic appearance. The quartermaster had said the hat was only supposed to be issued to cavalry scouts. Twilight’s Colonel rank and Sergeant Dornan yelling at the corporal had been enough to break protocol.

"It's so strange seeing how much the developers got right," Twilight replied, admiring the towers and buildings populating the mountainside. Canterlot and the mountain range were almost perfectly recreated, and they would arrive there within an hour or less of flying by Twilight’s best guess. Or at least, underneath it, looking for a sewer entrance. Everyone had to do their business, even royalty like Princess Celestia.

“Um, Frau Sparkle.” The concerned undertones in Dr. Braun’s voice snapped Twilight’s attention away from the city and to her, but quickly redirected to where Dr. Braun pointed. “Do you see two pegasi, too? I don’t see any armor on them, but I think they’re in uniforms.”

With her normal unicorn eyes, Twilight could only make out the fact there were two small dots growing closer and closer.

“Okay, everypony, act natural,” Twilight blurted. “Does everyone remember the words I taught you when speaking to ponies?”

“Yes, men are stallions, mares are women, and it's everypony instead of everyone,” Veronica said, shoving her powerfist and tools under the cover with Sergeant Dornan and the rest of their gear.

They trundled through the air in silence, until the two pegasi stallions wearing olive drab uniforms ordered Pearl and Braun to stop the cart as they reached them. One hung back as the other closed the last of the distance. It gave Twilight a good look at his uniform. Rather than U.S. Army patches, he had an R.E. Army patch below an Equestrian flag on his right sleeves. From what Twilight could tell, the two pegasi were nearly identical, and both only carried pistols and batons. They had armbands on their forelegs marked ‘MP’ in bold black letters.

“Your group needs to turn back now,” the stallion said firmly through a frown. His narrowed eyes trailed over everyone. “Canterlot is under lockdown, we can’t let you any closer to the city. The humans told us to evacuate so we’re expecting a big attack soon.”

“Hello, officers,” Twilight said, forcing a smile as she patted Sergeant Dornan’s armor. A signal to get ready to fight, though it may not be necessary. They weren’t even wearing combat armor. But how could Twilight discreetly convey that to Dornan?

“We really need to get to Canterlot to deliver some important supplies,” Twilight said, then her smile turned genuine. “How dangerous can things be if you two are flying all the way out here with only pistols and no armor?”

Sergeant Dornan shifted ever so slightly under the sheet. She was ready.

“Supplies?” The officer hanging out in the back asked. “Ask them, ‘what kind’, Dustcloud.”

Before Twilight could answer the pegasus in the back, Dustcloud asked, “What kind of supplies?”

Twilight tensed up as he leaned over the railing and reached for the covers, only for Sergeant Dornan to leap up. Pearl and Dr. Braun yelped as the cart shifted at the armored mare’s sudden movement.

“YOU ARE OUT OF UNIFORM, SOLDIER, WHERE IS YOUR COMBAT ARMOR!” Sergeant Dornan screamed. Dustcloud back-flapped his wings like the words had hit him as physically as a cannon blast.

“I d-don’t—”

“DON’T HAVE ANY!? YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT, MAGGOT!?” Sergeant Dornan continued to scream as she leaned over the cart railing, her voice echoing off the mountains. Three mountains over from Canterlot, an avalanche erupted. “TRUTH IS, YOU’VE LOST A PIECE OF ARMY ISSUE EQUIPMENT. THAT SUIT IS COMING OUT OF YOUR PAY, AND YOU WILL REMAIN IN THIS MARE’S ARMY UNTIL YOU ARE FIVE-HUNDRED AND TEN YEARS OLD, WHICH IS HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE YOU TO REPLACE THE EQUIPMENT WHICH YOU HAVE LOST!” Sergeant Dornan slammed a hoof into the wagon’s railing, causing it to crack. She pointed at Canterlot with a swing of her foreleg so fierce that Twilight swore it should have dislocated her own shoulder with the move. “NOW FLY BACK TO THE ARMORY AND DON’T GO BACK ON PATROL UNTIL YOU ARE PROPERLY EQUIPPED FOR COMBAT, SOLDIER!”

“Wha—”

“DISSSS-MISSED!”

The speed at which the pair turned tail would have made Rainbow Dash green with envy. Seconds after the pair were out of earshot, everyone in the cart burst out laughing.

Veronica was the first to recover enough to speak.

“Hahah, where did you learn that tirade, girl?” Veronica asked, holding up a hoof for the power-armored soldier to bump, which Sergeant Dornan did only after a moment of staring at it.

“My father was legendary around Navarro for catching anyone out of uniform,” Sergeant Dornan said, rubbing at her throat. From the tremor in her voice, Twilight swore that Dornan was crying under the helmet. “Hope I made him proud.”

“I’m sure you did,” Veronica said. Then Twilight heard her muttering a second later. “Hope I can make Elijah as proud of me as your father would be of you, wherever he is.”

From how Veronica spoke of Elijah, Twilight knew he must have been very important to her. A father figure, perhaps?

“Alright, everypony,” Pearl joked, “we’ve had a laugh. Let’s get moving. My old bones aren’t too keen to keep pulling everyone, much as I love flying.”

And with that, the giggles and snickers of everypony in the cart died down.

<>~<>~<>

Behind one of the many waterfalls cascading off of Canterlot was a metal grate with a lock. A lock so simple that Nick Valentine was sure that he could pick it with just a look.

Which was good, because he was just looking at it… while concentrating on using a bobby pin and screwdriver. Focusing on manipulating an object without physically touching it was harder than it looked. Colonel Sparkle had made moving things with her mind seem easy.

With the waterfall blocking sight of them, and the cart parked on a rocky shelf, the opportunity to practice his new telekinesis presented itself as everyone else collected their Royal Equestrian Army uniforms and weapons.

Veronica and Pearl were going to stay behind and guard the cart as everyone else snuck through the sewers, hopefully finding a way into the palace, or at least a ‘ponyhole’ exit nearby

With one last twist, the lock popped open, and Nick swung the grate on its squealing, rusty hinge.

“How did you know this was here?” Sergeant Dornan asked Colonel Sparkle as she took the lead of the group. “Like, would the developers have accurate knowledge of Canterlot’s sewer systems?”

“Canterlot has an extensive and well documented sewer system,” Twilight replied. “All the developers needed to do was check out the ‘Municipal Architecture of Canterlot’ from the library.”

“And zey are F&F players,” Dr. Braun added. “There are alvays sewers. Be on the lookout. Zey could have populated the tunnels vith who knows what.”

<>~<>~<>

“SCHEISSE!” Dr. Braun screamed on Twilight’s left, clutching her smoking talons. The black slime that Dr. Braun had cut into with her talons was acidic. Worse, it had split into two separate—but still living—slimes.

Twilight leapt over the third, still whole slime and blasted it with a bolt of magic from her horn. Nick Valentine scooped up the wounded slime with his magic and shoved it into the canal of sewer water.

“You okay, Braun?” Twilight asked, reaching Dr. Braun and flinging the two slimes away from the gryphon. She’d flown ahead of the group to scout.

“Nein, verdammt neue Ausgaben,” Dr. Braun muttered, massaging her talons. The smoking digits had cracked, and were dripping blood like a leaky faucet. Twilight removed a stimpak from her saddlebags and injected it into Dr. Braun, who's pained expression slackened. “Danke, Frau Sparkle.”

“You’re welcome,” Twilight said with a smile. There was a ladder leading up to a ponyhole cover. Twilight climbed the ladder, looking back to the others. “Come on, by my guess we should be close to the palace by now.”

Besides the slimes, which were slow and light enough that they could easily be picked up and thrown away with magic, there hadn’t been anything blocking their path.

Twilight pushed the ponyhole cover away and poked her head out of the sewer.

The barrel of an assault rifle pressed into the back of her head.

“Turn around, slowly,” A stallion ordered. A stallion whose voice she recognized.

Turning her head, Twilight saw Dustcloud wearing full combat armor.

He chuckled.

“I’ll admit, it took me a moment to remember that we don’t have that style of power armor in our inventory,” Dustcloud said, shaking his head. “Either way, one suit won’t stop the platoon coming up behind you. We’ve already caught your friends, so just lay down your weapons and come with me to the dungeon.”

Well… shit.