Logic is Vain

by Black Hailstorm

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Fluttershy, Original Character, Mystery, Spike, Comedy, Tragedy
Length: 3665

Fluttershy writes a letter to Discord and sends it with Spike's help. However when Hailstorm discovers this he questions how she was even able to write, let alone what that means if she can.

Fluttershy and Discord send each other letters. It is an asynchronous form of communication used between the two ever since they became friends. Once done writing the letter the pegasus meets with Spike and Twilight to gain the dragon's help in sending the message. Spike complies, the message is sent and everyone is happy. But when Hailstorm, finds out that the mare actually wrote a message he asks a question that confuses the mare greatly.

Additional Tags: Innuendo, Tension, More Innuendo.

I'm going to call this universe the Bemusiverse.

Published 2015-12-18 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-18 21:30:01 UTC

How Do You Even?

Fluttershy hummed to herself sweetly. The yellow pegasus had spent her mid afternoon writing to Discord after he’d replied to a message she’d sent the week before. She smiled after she’d finished the letter, setting it down on her desk and grabbing a ribbon to tie the parchment up in.

It only took a few seconds for the mare to find a good ribbon, before she tied the parchment up and carefully placed the letter under her wing. “Angel” she called to her cute little pet.

Angel’s head popped out from the kitchen where he was making a salad, his brow cocked at the mare in question. Fluttershy smiled and rubbed her nose against the bunny gently. Angel being the tough bunny rabbit he is decided to take this cute show of affection, but not before putting up a little retort by looking away in annoyance.

Fluttershy simply smiled at the rabbit. “I’ll be back in a bit, I’m going to send this to Discord okay?” The rabbit merely nodded as Fluttershy made her way towards the door, going back to his salad slicing.

Fluttershy made her way towards Ponyville, humming to herself silently as she trotted down the dirt road path.

The mare was sure Discord would be happy to see her respond to his message so soon, especially since other times she had been too busy taking care of her critter friends to be capable of replying earlier.

A few seconds of humming and the pegasus could now see Twilight’s castle off in the distance.

Ohhh I can’t wait to see how Discord reacts when he sees how quickly I responded she thought with a content smile.

Trotting straight into Twilight’s castle the mare climbed the steps up into the common room, only to hear Spike mumbling something from the kitchen.

“Spike!” Fluttershy called meekly. “A-Are you there?”

Spike walked out of the kitchen wearing his apron and chef hat. “Oh hey Flutters. What’s up?”

Fluttershy moved towards the baby dragon, spreading the wing a bit that held her letter before using it to hand it over to him.

“I’m sorry if I bothered you Spike. But you see I had some free time today and wanted to send Discord the response to his letter early. I think he’ll be quite pleased” she said with a small smile.

Spike took the letter in his claws, moving back over to the kitchen the baby dragon took his hat off then walked back to Fluttershy’s side with the letter firmly in his claw.

“Sure no problem Fluttershy. But uh, do you mind if I ask what the letter’s about?”

“Oh not at all. You see Discord and I have a picnic whenever I’m not busy with taking care of my critter friends. And you see last week I was really busy and couldn’t do it then. So I’m letting him know that I’ll be free for most of tomorrow.”

“Oh I see, that sounds cool.” Spike took in a deep breath and blew onto the parchment his green flames licking the letter before it disappeared and was carried off to the draconequus.

“There sent” he said with a smile.

“Thank you. Oh yeah, where’s Twilight and Hailstorm?”

“Twilight went to Rarity’s to help her out with something. Hailstorm should be in the library, hold on let me check” the dragon said moving over to the library.

“Oh ok thank you. What were you doing in the kitchen if you don’t mind me asking” she said following him to the library.

“Oh just trying to bake myself a good old fashioned gem cake. It’s going to be delicious” he said with a lick of his lips

“Oh I’m sure it will be.”

“Well there he is” Spike said pointing to the figure hunched over a book on the floor. “Wonder what he’s reading. Hey Hailstorm!” The former human’s ears twitched.

“Fluttershy’s here she wants to say hi before she leaves.”

The stallion rose from his haunches turning in the mare’s direction. “Oh hey Fluttershy. What’s up?”

“Oh nothing. I just came to deliver a letter I wrote for Discord” she said with a smile, both her and Spike oblivious to how I tensed up when she said the word ‘letter.’

Was I hearing things again? I cleared my throat drawing their attention to me. “I’m sorry Fluttershy did you say you delivered a letter that you wrote?” I asked with a hint of skepticism.

Fluttershy nodded. “Yes I wrote the letter. Why?” she asked with a confused look and slight tilt of her head. I glanced over to Spike and saw that he held the same confused look as she did, which in all honesty I couldn’t really understand. If anything Spike should be confused with me not for me.

A small chuckle escaped my lips. “I get it this is a joke right?” a small grin creasing my lips. That small grin died like a bug when the two’s confusion only increased.

I stared at them in surprise. Oh my gosh they don’t understand?!

Thoughts began to flow through my brain. How could they not get where I was coming from. Fluttershy couldn’t write a letter. Letters can’t be written by a hor- I mean pony! She has no f-ing thumbs! No magic! How the heck can she write?!

I calmed myself. There must be some logic to this. It was as simple as that. Maybe she used her wings.

I trotted towards her. “Fluttershy do me a favor” I said.

Spike and Fluttershy exchanged glances. “Um, okay what is it?” she asked.

“Show me your wings.”

Fluttershy’s face lit up like a red light. I didn’t get it. I just told her to spread her wings. There was no innuendo in there was there? How could what I have said possibly be sexual?

From Spike’s own surprised reaction at my statement I had just decided to assume that they were being idiots and ignore it.

“Well?” I said waiting for her to show me. “Spread them wings girl.”

Fluttershy bit her lip, her cheeks red, her legs shuffling tightly together with a nervous rhythm, she glanced back at Spike who simply shrugged not knowing what to tell her at this moment.

She sighed took a deep breath and spread her wings.

It was then I begun the scrutinizing inspection of her feathers. “I see” I said inspecting the wings. Lifting a hoof I gently bent the wing forward, watching it twitch and fold as I pushed it down.

I looked at Fluttershy, her face was still red and I could tell that what I was doing wasn’t making her feel comfortable. But at the same time a part of me knew that she was feeling something.

Just do it my inner voice teased. I shook my head ignoring the statement.

Backing away from the mare I waited for her to relax all while ignoring Spike’s sly smirk.

“Better” I asked gently. She nodded.

“Good. Now can you explain to me how exactly you wrote that letter?” I asked clearly voicing my disbelief.

The two looked at me with an expression that clearly told me, any perspective of them seeing me as an extremely intelligent alien from another world had completely gone out the window.

Silence ensued for a long while till they both burst out laughing. I however frowned.

This was not funny. How could they write? I wanted to know. What else did they think I’d been doing hunched up in front of that book. I was trying to figure out how I could write. Obviously these hooves, I glanced down at them, won’t be capable of doing such a thing, yet they’re strangely capable of picking things up.

I shook my head that was a question for another time. Right now I needed to know how she wrote that letter.

I waited for the two to get it out of their system. And when the pegasus and drake had finally calmed down I stared at them with a blank expression that showed them I was serious.

Immediately the two stopped laughing.

“Thank you” I said gratefully. “Now. Fluttershy, tell me how you wrote that letter.”

Fluttershy and Spike who both still couldn’t help but hide their expressions of surprise seeing how serious I was took a second before Spike replied.

“Well how do you think she wrote the letter?”

My brain froze at this question. Wha-What does he mean “how do you think she wrote the letter?” I mocked. “I don’t know why else would I be asking you?”

Fluttershy’s mouth dropped agape, while both Spike’s eyes rose in surprise.

“Oh my Celestia, you’re actually being serious you don’t know do you?” she asked.

“Of course I don’t!” I said keeping control of my voice as best I could. “Now tell me how you do it! I’ve spent the past four months in this damn library trying to figure the f-ing thing out! And haven’t found a single book that tells me how!!”

“I use my mouth” she said.

My brain didn’t seem to process this information. I think I actually underwent a brain freeze for a second because my forehead suddenly felt warm.

“I- I’m sorry what?”

“I use my mouth” Fluttershy said again.

“...I’m sorry could you say that again I think I have something in my ears” I said using a hoof to scratch behind an ear.

“She said she uses her mouth” Spike replied bluntly, the two clearly not understanding why I can’t fathom this.

Hailstorm a voice in my head said.

Yeah? I responded.

What are you doing?

I believe I’m getting answers I responded.

No. No, you’re not getting answers. You’re putting your temporal lobe through hell stop this shit right now.

But-

Shut up you walking hunk of meat.

“Whoa!” I said outloud surprising the two before me. “That was uncalled for.”

You know what else is uncalled for. Putting us through this shit. Now shut the fuck up right now and don’t ask her to repeat that or I promise you we will make you fart so bad that they will clear this room and your reputation will be ruined.

"You wouldn't dare" I whispered.

Try us, suddenly I felt my lower intestine rumble, a gaseous feeling building within.

“That ruins both our reputations!” I shouted. Spike and Fluttershy had begun to look at me with concern now.

Silence ensued, without a retort.

“Conscience?” I said.

No response.

“Hey Conscience I’m talking to you!” I muttered now noticing that Fluttershy had moved to touch my forehead.

Still no response.

“Hey!” I mentally yelled.

We have spoken Hailstorm. You tell her to repeat that and we do what we’ve said, reputation does not matter to me. I’m your brain. Deal with it.

“Well fuck you to then” I muttered.

“Um Hailstorm?” Fluttershy said drawing my attention to her worry held in her eyes. “Are you alright?”

I had noticed both dragon and pegasus were seriously questioning my sanity now. I coughed, cleared my throat and smiled weakly. “Yeah I’m fine just uh...having an internal argument. Anyway!” I said changing the topic.

“What do you mean you can write with your mouth, can you give me an example?”

Spike looked at Fluttershy waiting for her response. The mare shifted uncomfortably but nodded. Spike left to get some parchment and a quill.

A few seconds later Spike returned, moving over to the table and putting the parchment and quill with ink down on the table.

“Alright then” I said with a small grin feeling it in my gut that this was all some kind of farce. “Show me.”

Fluttershy lifted the quill into her mouth with her hoof, something I still couldn’t seem to get how to do no matter how many times I tried, and placed it in her mouth.

To my disbelief she began writing, in cursive with her mouth.

My jaw went slack. “Mother of french fries...” I whispered in disbelief. “She’s writing” I whispered, falling to my haunches. “She’s writing...and in cursive. In freaking cursive with her mouth!”

Fluttershy dropped the quill and moved towards me with Spike. “Are you alright Hailstorm?” Spike asked.

“I...I don’t know. First the moustache now this...what’s next these tails have the ability to carry things despite being only made of hair?”

“Actually-” Spike began, only to be cut off as I rose to my hooves and began trotting in place.

This changes everything. If they could write with their mouths then that meant only one thing. My eyes darted towards Fluttershy, then moved towards the parchment where she had written so eloquently in cursive handwriting that would make even the greatest of historic writers look like a baby scribbling on paper.

I let my hoof run across the parchment in disbelief.

My brain was currently frozen by this level of nonsense. What was I seeing right now? What is this mockery. Are you telling me that a equine can write something this good with his/her mouth while a person who had, had fingers couldn’t even write this well with opposable thumbs.

“My gosh Fluttershy” I said in utter shock.

There was no way I could accept this. This was illogical, it made no sense. How could she write this well? It looked just as good as Spike’s amazing handwriting and even still mine paled in comparison.

It was then I realized one thing.

“I should have spent kindergarten here a long time ago” I muttered.

“Hailstorm” Fluttershy said drawing my attention. Spike stood by her side with a raised brow.

“You’ve been staring at that for quite sometime now. Are you alright?” he asked.

Of course I wasn’t alright. I’d just been shown that my handwriting was like a bug compared to your divine ways of crafting literature. So no, I was not alright. And frankly I'm kinda pissed.

“I’m fine” I lied.

Fluttershy took a step forward looking into my eyes with her teals. “Are you sure” she asked gently patting my shoulder.

A thought popped into my head as I nodded. It was crazy enough to work but if that was the case then I’d try and ask.

“Fluttershy?” I said. She nodded with a smile goading me to continue.

“How good of a kisser are you?” I said bluntly.

Never before have I seen a mare’s eyes widen like that so quickly. Spike couldn’t even help himself go wide-eyed before he busted out laughing leaving the mare to blush under my serious stare.

“U-Um..no, um I don’t know” she stuttered. “W-W-Why do you ask?”

My LORD! They don’t even realize the heavenly powers their mouths possess?!?!

I gulped, forcing all feelings of both envy, sexual tension that his form had built up through this conversation and angst deep down within me. “I uh...no reason Fluttershy.”

I took another look at the parchment with the heavenly written words on it. My parietal lobe begged me to stop, for this was to much to handle.

“So...you guys can write with your mouths huh?” I asked one more time.

She nodded. I accepted it. Accepted the fact that I couldn’t even fathom, how she could even do it, but then again I couldn’t fathom a lot of things in this world.

Nodding to Spike, I walked by the still slightly embarrassed, slightly confused Fluttershy without a word.

I went straight to the bathroom and took a cold shower to rid myself of the load of crap, illogical bull I head just seen and feed myself that afternoon. Once done with my shower I went straight to bed and layed there contemplating life. And even then as I layed there I still couldn’t fathom how she could even do it.

I went downstairs later on to read a book

It was late night when I’d finished reading the book on Why things don’t make sense to you. It was a relatively small book. A very small book actually more like a small comic book in size.

I threw the book away somewhere then glanced over to where I could hear Twilight and the others talking. I moved over to get a better listen.

“So yeah he seemed really surprised that Fluttershy could write with her mouth” Spike exclaimed with amusement. “You should have seen his reactions they were hilarious, kind of weird but hilarious.”

“Wait” Twilight said in disbelief. “You’re telling me he can’t write?”

Spike nodded as I trotted into the room a look of annoyance on my face.

“I’ll have you know I can’t write in this form.”

Twilight motioned me to come over to her. I did.

The mare’s horn glowed where she levitated a quill and some parchment then placed it on the cutie mark table. “Try writing with your mouth.”

I blinked, the gears freezing in my brain.

“I’m sorry.”

“Go ahead darling” Rarity said gaining my attention. “We’re just going to see how good it looks and we’ll help you from there” she said encouragingly.

I look at Spike who was grinning and gesturing me to do it.

I sighed, “Alright fine but don’t laugh.”

Moving over to the quill Twilight floated it in front of me and I took it with my teeth. “This feels...weird can I just not. I mean how do you even-”

“Please” Pinkie said sweetly. “We just want to see.”

A few seconds of strained silence passed. I sighed. “Ugh. Fine”

So I began writing with my teeth, only my name though. And when I finished I backed away to let the others see.

I was dumbfounded by what happened next.

The six mares and dragon gathered around my table ready to scrutinize my work, which I believed to be horrible. But then suddenly I heard a loud thump on the table.

Spike had fallen to the ground, his eyes flowing with tears. “T-This” he sniffed loudly.”This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read.”

My eyes narrowed. “It’s...just my name...I don’t-”

“Shhh darling” Rarity said gently placing her hoof against my muzzle. “You’ve worked quite hard haven’t you? To get your work so seamless.”

I gently moved her hoof aside. “I uh...I just told you I haven’t ever written before.”

I watched Twilight take my parchment and giving it to the still weeping Spike. The young alicorn looked like she’d been enlightened by my name. “Please,” she whispered to Spike holding it in her magic. “Send this to the princess.”

Spike sniffed. “Which one, Celestia or Luna?”

Spike merely shook her head, her gaze turning to me, before looking back at the parchment with longing. “It...It doesn’t matter.”

Spike nodded. I watched in utter disbelief as he carefully took the letter in his claws like it was the most fragile object in the world, before he whispered sweet words to it then burnt in a crisp flame, laying back on the table and weeping.

What the heck is happening here?!

“Hailstorm” I snapped my attention in the direction of Fluttershy who’s cheeks were red as she looked at the crystal floor which she pawed with her hoof.

“I um...was wondering if you could um” she bit her lip, her wings shaking and flapping for a quick second. “If you could show me how good of a kisser you are.”

A part of me was suddenly interested yet the sensible part said “wait a minute.” I didn’t have time to think of an answer as the next thing I knew I was being dragged away upstairs with both Rarity and Twilight’s magic firmly encasing me. The mares following the two magic users in tow to the rather large queen sized bed as Spike continued to weep on the ground, wishing he still had that letter with my name on it.

Upstairs the door slammed shut. The five mares standing in front of the door as guards as Twilight went down to check on Spike. Ten good minutes passed and she returned stating Spike was asleep. It was then I saw the lust in their eyes.

And boy did I want to run, it was just like the time I had grown the fuzz on my lip and quickly acted like I had been asleep, without moving as the mares had made advances on me only for them to give up and decide to try the next day. Luckily the next day I had shaved it off and was safe...for now.

But now, now they knew I had this strange skill to write with my mouth, even though I’d never done such a thing before.

I gulped, as they just stood there hungrily eyeing me. “Could this get any worse?”

A blinding flash of light surged into the room, causing us all to shield our eyes. When I dropped my hoof from my vision and readjusted my glasses, I saw standing before me with warm smiles was Celestia and Luna.

They too had lust in their eyes, no doubt from seeing my masterpiece of a name written on that parchment.

I smiled. Then ran for the balcony, jumping off only for Luna’s magic to grab me and drag me back into the room with such a force that my glasses literally flew off my face and onto the ground below.

I left marks on that balcony for the second time in a night as I tried to hoof claw my way out of Luna's magic. It was a failed attempt.

And as the balcony doors were locked shut and all the mare’s eyes were locked on me with lust and desire. I couldn’t help but wonder, how I even got myself into this mess.

“Seriously. How do you even?” the doors shut, everything went dark save for the small light Celestia created so I could see all their hungry eyes staring at me.

I whinnied for the third time in my life, as the mares advanced towards me. “How do you even...”