Shining Armor's Amour's Armour

by Loganberry

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Shining Armor, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Pipsqueak, Rarity
Length: 1838

The Crystal Empire's Royal Couple are popular, successful and happy in their marriage. It can't last.

The Crystal Empire's Royal Couple are popular, successful and happy in their marriage. As if that wasn't irritating enough, they're also very good with words. The problem is, one of the words they'll need today is "Armageddon".

Well, more or less.

Now has a reading by... er... me! Yes. Definitely me. It's only on PresentPerfect's channel because, um, YouTube. She's not reading it at all. You think she has time for that? Of course not. It's me. Yup.

Reviews: Titanium Dragon | Chris | PresentPerfect

Cover art: Last Stand [Speedart] by Mithrandir730. CC by-nc-sa 3.0

Published 2015-12-18 20:20:05 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-18 20:20:05 UTC

A More Perfect Union

The Great Kitchen in the Crystal Castle was currently, thanks to extensive maintenance work, the only kitchen in the Crystal Castle. This was awkward not merely because hot food was usually stone cold by the time it reached its destination, but also because the kitchen was so distant from the Royal Dining Room that the serving-ponies needed to bake iron rations for themselves in the hope of reaching the meal’s recipients before reaching the end of their strength. In desperation, Princess Cadance had taken to flying to the nearest Griffonese takeaway from her bedroom window.

Right now, however, the kitchen seemed a happy place, although the cheerful singing that was echoing around its walls was not to the liking of everypony there. “Do You Know the Weight of Armadillos?” had been quite bad enough, Rarity felt, and “A Moor” worse – but as for this one, well...

"—like a big pizza pie, that's Amore!" The current baker (also, as she reminded everypony, the currant baker, and therefore the current currant baker) was in her element. She giggled loudly, just to underline the point.

“Pinkie Pie!” Rarity scolded. “Don't be so impolite! You know perfectly well that Princess Cadance prefers that we not use that name. Besides, she is most definitely not like any sort of pie. She has great grace and perfect poise, as befits a pony princess, and we would all do well to remember that before we go singing vulgar songs in her own castle.

“In any case, I am sure that a member of royalty would not be seen dead eating pizza pie in public. I dare say the likes of Rainbow Dash may enjoy it from time to time, but—" She sniffed. "—those in the loftier echelons of society do have rather higher standards.” A vision of Princess Twilight Sparkle tucking into a triple hayburger with extra-spicy oat relish swam before her eyes; she swatted it away irritably. “On top of which, don't you think that the line 'the Moon hits your eye' is rather unfeeling towards Princess Luna?”

“Aw, c’mon Rarity, I’m sure she’ll be cool with it,” Pinkie said. “And Princess Cadance. I mean, who wouldn’t want a perfect pizza pie, especially one with extra peas? It’s good and tasty in each taste of goodness. And if a Pie can’t bake a pie then nopony can!” She was silent for just a moment. “Well, except maybe Applejack, but Applejack’s kinda Pie-ish anyway, so it’s all good, like I said. It should be just about done.” There was a brief metallic scraping sound. “A-a-a-and here-a is-a my-a pizza...a! Have-a a-a slice-a?”

Rarity excused herself, suddenly recalling an urgent appointment with a tapestry needle.

* * *

Elsewhere in the palace, in the sumptuously furnished royal bedchamber itself, another type of game was taking place. Prince Shining Armor was attempting to impress his wife with the depth of his knowledge of the chivalry of courtly romance. As said spouse was the Princess of Love, that was probably something of a losing bet, he realised. Still, he persevered.

“Amore, mon amour!” he said, in what Cadance imagined – probably correctly – to be a truly preposterous attempt at an upper-class Prench accent. “Wherefore art thou Amore?”

“Because that's my name, Shiny,” Cadance answered shortly. She covered her mouth with a forehoof and pretended to stifle a laugh. “Well, it’s one part of it, anyway. I’d really rather you called me Cady, though. You know I like it when you do. I like it a lot. But... if you don’t want to, then I suppose Princess would work too.”

“Princess?” Shining Armor was taken aback. “Seriously?”

“Well, it would be accurate, at least. If a little confusing, and potentially embarrassing for poor Twilight. So perhaps you’d prefer to call me... Queen?” She let out a hissing cackle for a moment, then winked.

Her husband gagged. “That’s not funny.”

Cadance slumped slightly. “No, no it’s not. I’m sorry, Shiny.”

“Aw, don’t I get anything else?”

Cadance bit back a sharp retort when she noticed the glint in her husband’s eye, instead letting out a giggle.

“What was that for?”

Cadance pouted. “Can’t a grown mare be allowed a little innocent giggle from time to time?”

Shining Armor moved slowly closer until he was brushing against his wife’s side.

“Grown mare?” He ran his eyes hungrily along the curves of Cadance’s flank, bringing them to rest on her cutie mark. “Oh yes, most definitely that. But innocent? You’re not going to get away with that one, Cady. And no changelings are going to take you away, either.” He aimed a short blast of magic at the bedchamber’s door. There was a very definite click. “There, mon amour: a more interesting fate awaits you. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, you and I have some very serious making up to do.”

He bundled her onto the bed, eliciting a giggle that even Cadance could not have claimed was innocent. Three seconds later, there was a ping. Cadance’s horn flared briefly, a light blue splash of colour in the darkened room. There was a rapidly fading whoosh.

Shining Armor sighed. “Let me guess – Our Mare of the Sun herself?”

“I’m sorry, Shiny.” Cadance extricated herself from her husband’s arms and sighed as she got to her hooves, magically tidying up her mane as she did so. “Now I’ve acknowledged Celestia’s message, there’s nothing I can really do about it. One of the princesses has to be there for Armourgeddon, and the others are all busy right now.”

“Armageddon?” Shining gibbered as he heaved himself off the bed. “Isn’t that a little... extreme?”

“No, love,” Cadance replied calmly, gathering up her tiara, “not Armageddon. Armourgeddon. Two different things that sound nearly the same. It’s like Shiny and—” She screwed up her eyes in concentration for a few moments. “—and shinty.”

“Shinty?”

“It’s a game – a bit like horse hockey, but on grass. They play it a lot in, oh, what’s that dark place with all the cliffs north of Trottingham called?”

“Tartanrus?” said Shining Armor.

One thing about being Captain of the Royal Guard these last few years, the prince later reflected, was that his reflexes had been honed to perfection. At least, if not to perfection, then well enough to duck the brutal tickle-beam that had immediately flashed forth from Cadance’s horn.

“Missed,” said Shining Armor. He stuck his tongue out.

Cadance shrugged resignedly. “I’ll get you next time, Shiny. Just you wait.” Shining Armor didn’t look too worried by the prospect. “But, my dear Prince Whining Armor, Armourgeddon is a big jousting tournament, like a larger version of the matches they have at the Crystal Faire. It’s very prestigious and historically important, so I’m going to need my full ceremonial armour for this. Where is my full ceremonial armour, anyway?”

“Where it always is, dearest. In the armoire in the armoury.”

“The what? Since when did we have an armoire for armour?”

Shining Armor risked a small sigh. “The one we got from Mr Davenport in Ponyville? As an anniversary gift last year? You know, because we’d finally gotten him to understand that we really, really didn’t need any more sofas? So he sent us that customised amoire he’d crafted himself from the finest woods in all Armare? You know, that one.”

“Where’s Armare?”

“I believe it’s part of Northern Shireland. I’ve never been there myself, but I think I can remember Twily writing an essay on it when she was a filly. Which doesn’t narrow it down that much, I know. Now, off you go to the armoire and get yourself into that armour right away.”

Cadance huffed. “Dearest, we have huge lumps of furniture everywhere you go in this castle. How will I know which one’s the armour armoire?”

“It’s the one in the armoury, of course. Also, it has a quill engraved on the lock.”

“It does?”

“And a sofa engraved on the key.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t ‘oh’ me, please, Cady. I’m trying to help here! You told me you needed your armour, so I told you where it was. It’s in the armoire in the armoury!”

“The armoury Armare armour armoire, amour Armor?” said Cadance, absolutely deadpan.

Shining Armor rolled his eyes and nodded. “The armoury Armare armour armoire, amour Amore.”

Cadance thought for a moment, then giggled yet again, prompting her husband to put his head on one side and say, “Now what?”

“We-ell... if I were to hide in that thing, could we say it was Armor’s amour Amore’s armoury Armare armour armoire?”

Shining Armor blinked several times and shook his head before starting for the door. “I need a painkiller,” he announced as he disappeared from view.

* * *

As Cadance made another tiny adjustment to her barding, she caught a flash of movement reflected in the gleaming metal of the peytral. She turned to see a small colt standing in the open doorway of the armoury, gazing in wonder at the scene before him. The colt noticed that the mare was looking at him and started.

“Wow, Princess Cadance, you look just like a more armoured armadillo!” He blushed.

“Hello... Pipsqueak, isn’t it? Are you looking for me?”

“Oh... well... no, not really. We’re on a school trip with Miss Cheerilee. We’re learning about the Crystal Empire at the moment, and Prince Shining Armor wrote to her to say she could bring us here to see for ourselves. He sent her a map of the castle and said she could show us around some of it while we were staying. I- I sort of got a bit lost and I don’t know where Miss Cheerilee and the others have gone. I’m really sorry, Princess Cadance,” he added, suddenly downcast.

Cadance smiled and walked over to him, her armour clanking slightly with each step. “That’s all right, Pip. It’s my fault I didn’t shut the door while I was getting dressed – my husband really wouldn’t like it if he found out I’d been quite so lax about armoury armament and armour security.” She leaned forward conspiratorially. “But we can keep my little lapse a secret between the two of us, can’t we?”

Pip nodded, open-mouthed.

“Thank you. And since you’re here now, I have another question.” Cadance nodded her horn at the armoury’s armour armoire. “Shining Armor and I can’t really decide what we should do with this remarkable piece of furniture, and we... agreed that we’d see whether other ponies had any ideas about it.” Her gaze shifted uneasily as she spoke. “So, what do you think we should do with the armour in the armoire, and for that matter the armour armoire itself?”

“You mean that big wardrobe?”

The silence lasted until Pinkie appeared at the door, bearing a steaming platter of Pie’s Piece-a Pea Pizza Pie.

Author's Note

Thanks to Cerulean Voice for prompting me to write this, and to GeodesicDragon for suggesting "Northern Shireland". Everything else here is my fault.