Today was the best day in the world. Well, best day of the week. She could think of many days that were better than this one, such as Hearth’s Warming, Winter Wrap Up day, and ‘Christmas’, whatever the heck that was supposed to be. Mr. Ingram seemed insistent that Christmas was coming when he wrote the new album.
Focus!
Firstly, it was Macadamia Mondays at Sugarcube Corner, which meant extra special recipes for the customers! Secondly, it meant half an hour of her shift was moved from right after her lunch break to the end of the day. Which coincided with her third point: Twilight's schedule for today. Ever since the Magic Crystal Rainbow Tree had given Twilight the Tree Chest Castle Map (Which she was delighted to learn was actually named Friendship Rainbow Kingdom Castle [to the point where she hadn’t called Friendship Rainbow Kingdom “Equestria” since {I mean… Equestria? What a boring name!}])...
What was she talking about?
Oh yes! Ever since the sparkly castle appeared, Twilight took half an hour to relax in the indoor pool in the basement.
What did half an hour of pool time mean?
It meant she got to watch Twilight soaking wet for half an hour. Oh, her dear heart pounded just thinking about it! The way the water ran through her fur and matted it down to her skin… The way she’d glide among the water’s surface with a gentle flap of her wings…
There was a distinct thumping around her, and for a moment she was scared Twilight had finally discovered her. But when she peaked out from behind the diving board, Twilight was simply reaching for a towel. Then the thumping?
Tearing open her chest, she glared down at her heart. Her heart looked up in shock, beating even harder.
“Shush!” It took a while for it to calm down, but eventually it stopped beating altogether. Pinkie smiled, glancing back at Twilight.
But this Monday, she’d cleared her schedule for the next half hour of her lunch. No Pinkie Promises, no sudden parties, just watching Twilight. But not to admire, no. Rather, to curb her admiration.
Twilight was just too perfect. She was a purple pony princess who peaked Pinkie Pie’s political push! How could anypony that let her declare holidays legally not be admired? Ever since that, Twilight had been the subject of her many fantasies, foal-rated or not. But if she found a flaw in her, then she could finally be over this obsession.
Truly, Pinkie was a genius.
Of course, if even Princess Celestia had a flaw, what hope could Twilight? All Pinkie had to do was catch her litter, or kick a bunny, or push Granny Smith, or kill somepony… something! Anything!
Donning her spy outfit, she started her mission log.
Target: Twilight Sparkle
Age: REDACTED
Height: Taller than me!
Eye color: Same as coat color!
Coat color: Darker than eye color!
Mission commenced at 11:15AM
Pink π location: High bookshelf of Twilight’s study, awaiting arrival from pool!
Target location: Unknown
“Ms. Pie, truly, are you enamored so?” Rarity asked. Pinkie glanced down from her shelf to Rarity, who was picking out a book.
“No, no! I’m doing this to stop being enamored! I’m going to catch her stealing from the poor to stop loving her!” Rarity glanced up at Pinkie.
“By Celestia, you have issues.” That, Pinkie couldn’t argue. Best friends knew best, she supposed.
Rarity shook her head before taking out a book.
“Truly, darling. If you are looking for a fault in Twilight in regards to you, it’s in plain sight. For a mare who met us not understanding a drop of social decency, it’s impossible she has not approached one of us romantically, whether truly or as a study of magic. She must be into stallions, Pinkie.”
Pinkie gritted her teeth. She didn’t want to believe it, not one bit. But there was an inkling of truth. How could a smart, rich, clueless pony like her not have a special somepony already?
She must be asexual!
But whatever she was, Pinkie still needed to find a flaw, whether it was a magic fetish or lack of genitalia.
Speaking of which,
Target enters study, approaching two irrelevant ponies.
Jokes and socializes.
Note: Horn is particularly straight and shiny from current angle. Swoon.
“So she said, ‘Oatmeal, are you crazy?’” Irrelevant pony 1 joked. Twilight giggled, but did not otherwise respond.
“Woo! That Pinkie Pie sure knows how ta make a joke!” Irrelevant pony 2 smacked irrelevant pony 1 on the back, doubling over from laughter.
Pinkie couldn’t help but frown at the ponies. She had the unfortunate time of knowing them, and they were always a pain, though entrancingly athletic.
“Pinkie Pie! That’s simply not true! I’m flattered that you’d call me a best friend, but Rainbow and Applejack have been with us through thick and thin!”
“You’re not supposed to read minds!” Pinkie shouted accusingly.
“I suppose…” Rarity muttered, turning back to her book.
Strike: Target has questionable friends.
Twilight mentioned needing a book, which flew out from beside Pinkie without her horn even pointing at it.
Celestia, that’s hot.
She took a glance at the book cover.
A Study of Forensic Sciences in Relation to the Lauren Faust Particle
Strike two: Questionable reading material that even I don’t understand.
This meant Twilight was about to read. There was nowhere to hide in her reading room. Luckily, she wouldn’t suspect a thing out of Rarity is she followed her in. Donning a suit of Rarity, she skipped along after Twilight.
Ah, like taking lime juice from a cancerous filly. She loved it when things went her way.
“Oh, hey Pinkie. Planning to do some reading, huh?”
What.
“Twilight, dear, I don’t see Pinkie Pie anywhere.” said Pinkie, excellently mimicking Rarity’s voice. Twilight giggled, as if somepony had made a joke.
She forgot to change her voice! Repeating herself with her best Rarity impression, she trotted up beside Twilight. Twilight, rolled her eyes, turning from her book to see Rarity.
“O-oh, Rarity! I could have sworn you were Pinkie Pie…” Pinkie chuckled in her Rarity voice.
“Oh darling, whatever gave you that idea?” Twilight looked around nervously, before shrugging.
“Oh, I don’t know. I just guessed wrong, that’s all.” ~~Rarity~~ Pinkie nodded understandingly as they reached the reading room.
So far, no crime against Equestria had been made by Twilight throughout her reading section, only looking up from her book once to greet irrelevant pony 1, who had given Twilight a bottle of lotion.
Target makes the cutest faces while reading
Target has a habit of sticking her tongue out while thinking.
Target has very cute body; Pink π currently fantasizing inappropriately.
Nopony had ever made Pinkie feel naughtier than Twilight. Oh, her previous special someponies weren’t bad, but they had nothing on Twilight. Now if only she could get on Twilight…
Fell asleep! Damn. Target missing. Rarity costume melted.
Note: Don’t make disguises out of chocolate.
It was a good thing she knew Twilight’s entire schedule for today. She was likely checking her mail in the map room.
And lo and behold, Twilight was sitting in her throne, reading mail. Pinkie put on another Rarity costume, sitting down on Rarity’s throne. The room seemed to brighten as she did so, causing her to look around. Finally, she realized the light came from above her, where Rarity’s Cutie Mark glowed. She turned her head to glare at it.
“Hey, can’t you see I’m trying not to be noticed?” She poked the Cutie Mark accusingly. It suddenly dimmed.
“You’re not Rarity…”
…
Well that was new.
11:14AM
Super-hot chick walks in.
Target gives her a slow-once over.
Hot chick and Twilight make eye contact and smile.
Hot chick sits down on butterfly throne.
Must eliminate hot chick.
She hated to admit, Fluttershy was drop dead gorgeous. If Twilight hadn’t caught her eye in time, Pinkie would probably already have been in jail for sexual assault.
Strike: Totally has relations with hot chick.
Heterosexuality: Non-existent
Asexuality: Non-existent
Pink π status: Incredibly aroused
And then there was mail reading and talking. Fluttershy talking to Twilight about her boring little animals. She wondered if Twilight was bored.
Then, it happened. Twilight was opening her mouth awkwardly. She was going to yawn at Fluttershy’s boring story! That would be so rude! Yes!
Twilight sneezed. ‘Bless you’ came from four different voices, and Pinkie realized Rarity, as well as irrelevant pony 1 and irrelevant pony 2 were all here. Rarity sat on Pinkie’s throne, eyeing her awkwardly. Maybe Rarity was into her?
Twilight gasped at a letter she was reading, excusing herself. Pinkie grinned excitedly. What if the letter was a secret drug deal? An invitation from a secret lover? A booty call? Love magic lessons from Princess Cadance? That would be another strike.
Strike: Secretly in illegal drug trade or sexual relations through mail.
Ooh, Pinkie saw through everything. It was amazing she could be so insightful, while her friends still thought she was a perfectly normal pony. Quickly swiping the letter off the crystal magic map table, she let the words swim into her eyes.
Dear Twilight,
I forgot the scroll in my room!
From,
Spike
P.S. Donut Joe’s got a new flavour! You gotta try it sometime!
Damnit.
Target seems distracted when talking to friends.
Target’s tail flicking and wings twitching. Also sweating.
Something was happening, and it was going to be juicy. Eventually, Twilight excused herself again, dashing away. Stealthily, Pinkie crawled behind her. Twilight went to the washroom! Leaning her ear against the door, she licked her lips in anticipation. Hearing Twilight use the washroom would finally curb her obsession with Twilight.
7:86PM
Target: In the bathroom!
Pink π: Listening in.
There was a bit of shuffling and the ruffle of feathers.
What was she doing?
There was the sound of a bottle cap snapping open, and the glop of liquid coming out of said bottle.
Then there was the sound of rubbing and skin chafing.
Pinkie licked her lips. Was she…?
A low moan sounded from inside, confirming her suspicions.
Twilight was pleasuring herself! Of all the things… ALL THE THINGS!!!!!!!!!! And when her friends were over too?
Could Twilight hear her beating heart from inside? Her heavy panting at the thought of Twilight’s self-pleasure? Pinkie could only hear the soft hisses and moans from inside.
“Oh… that feels so good…”
17:26ZM
Target caught masturbating with friends over.
Pink π status: Incredibly aroused.
Mission complete?
Mission failed?
She had to leave. It wouldn’t do for her to get all worked up and get caught herself. About to make herself scarce, a pained yelp came from inside, echoing throughout the castle.
“Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow… Oh, that was a bad idea. Ow ow ow ow Stupid Twilight! You know how sensitive wings are! Why would you go touching them all over like that? Ow…” Rainbow dashed to the door. Luckily, Pinkie was quicker than the narrative in leaping to the ceiling to avoid detection.
“Twilight! You alright in there? Need any help?”
“No, no, I’m fine! Just... worked myself too hard. I’ll be…” A silence would have descended, if not for Pinkie’s heavy breathing.
“Actually, Dash, could you maybe come in here and… help me out?” Pinkie’s jaw dropped. The door opened, and Rainbow eagerly flew in. The door quickly slammed, knocking loose Pinkie’s grip of the ceiling. Quickly shoving her ear back to the door, she heard their conversation.
“O-oh, Twilight… That’s a… That’s… some problem you’ve got there.”
“I don’t suppose you could… make it feel better?”
“Well, I… haven’t really done this with… anypony before.”
“Oh please, Rainbow? You’re the one who knows all about this stuff!”
“H-hey, I-I mean, sure, I do this all the time… but by myself! I… don’t really know how to handle... another pony. It was Fluttershy who showed me how anyway!”
“Don’t worry about me, Rainbow. I’m sure you can help me out.”
“Well… alright. Listen, you can’t rush this kind of stuff. I know when you start off, you’ll wanna get it as fast as possible, but that’s really not worth it. Your wings are sensitive! You’ve got to be gentle with them. Like this.”
Pinkie’s heart raced as Twilight’s soft moans sounded out again.
“Wow, Rainbow, you’re really good at this! That feels… so nice.”
“Yea? Well you need to relax. Your muscles are way too tensed. It’ll feel a lot better if you do.”
“Oh! Rainbow, right there!”
Pinkie was hyperventilating. And wet. Mostly wet. Oh dear. No! Bad hoof! You’ll be baking with those hooves soon!
“Hey, quiet down! What if the others hear us? That would be so embarrassing!”
“Oh, Rainbow. What’s so embarrassing? You’re just being a good friend and helping me out with some… discomfort!”
“Y-yea, well don’t get used to it! You need to learn to handle yourself!”
“Wow, it smells… funky in here.” The door slammed open, the Alicorn and Pegasus both walking out. Luckily, Pinkie outran the narrator and dug into the ground before they did so.
“Wait, where should I leave this?” Rainbow waved a bottle of lotion in her hoof. Pinkie glanced at the label.
ALL PURPOSE WING MEDICINE.
APPLY TWICE TO INFECTED AREA DAILY.
~Fluttershy
Target caught applying herbal wing medicine.
Pink π currently feeling stupid. But still aroused.
Lunch almost over.
“Welcome, welcome, welcome to Sugarcube Corner! What would you like today?”
Oh, it was Twilight. This wasn’t part of her schedule.
“I’ll have a macadamia coconut cake. But I also wanted to talk to you, Pinkie.”
“Yesiree!” Pinkie pulled a cake from under the counter.
“I was… reading up on baking, thought I’d try it out. And I thought, who would be the ideal pony to try out my pie? I mean, it’s my first time… baking… But then you came to mind. Seemed really obvious at that point. So, Pinkie. How about when your shift ends tonight, you come over to my place and you can… taste test my cherry pie?”
Maybe Pinkie would always be obsessed, but at least Twilight wasn’t a stranger.
“Of course! I love a good meal!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. Twilight only giggled, turning away.
Author's Note
Yay, unedited parodies! I still need to finish Repentance and that AJ/Rara thing...
Does this warrant a Sex tag? Should this be M?
I'd love if readers could help put this in fitting groups!
